All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s03e28 Bilkos Chinese Restaurant

One and two. What? No, don't watch your
feet when you walk.

Padre, you're impossible. I cannot teach
you how to dance.

Did I do something wrong, Sarge? Peter,
you have absolutely no rhythm. I have a

good mind to give you your money back.

Okay, you hook me for the $10 course.
No.

No, that would be going back on my word.
I promise that every man in my dancing

class would be a future ballroom fetish
there. All right, who's next? You're

next, Fender. Fender.

Sarge, can we skip it? My arthritis is
killing me. Don't be silly, Sam. It's

best thing in the world for your
arthritis. Now, you don't want to be a

wallflower, do you?

Where were we yesterday?

The tango. What tango is it? I remember
all fire and passion.

I'm going to call these guys.

Pump.

Judo, sir. Judo.

He kicked him judo. Now, when the enemy
swings a surprise attack, you give him

the Iwo Jima, overlap, wrist lock, and
he's completely helpless.

That'll be all for today, gentlemen.

All right, the rest of you men
dismissed.

Until tomorrow when I will teach you the
jungle muckle -cracking. In case of a

sneak attack, sir, I want my men to
always be alert, sir. But why the white

gloves, Sir Bilko? The white gloves? Oh,
that's for eye -dodging, sir. We don't

want... We don't care if the enemy gets
infected.

Now, do we, sir? The captain is
interested in our work. That's a

gesture, then, for the captain. Hip
-hip! Hip -hip! Hip -hip! All right,

We have three new men for the motor
pool.

See that they get their bunks and
equipment.

New blood in the platoon.

Splendid, sir. Thank you very much, sir.

All right, you've been dismissed.

All right, men, right in here.

Hey, Sarge, how's my rumble footwork? Is
it improved any? Very good. Don't do it

in front of a hospital. They'll operate.
Move, move, out.

Hey, yo!

Private Herbert Anderson.

Here. Rob Dawson.

Private Wong Lee. Yes.

All right, attention.

You're in the army now.

I'd like to introduce myself.

At ease.

I'm Sergeant Ernest Bilkoff, men.

Your friend away from home.

I want you fellas to feel whenever
you're in need, you can come to me.

And likewise, I'd like to feel whenever
I'm in need, I can come to you. Yes,

sir. Now, that sounds like fun. That
sounds like fun.

Die out!

When it comes to things military, I'm
all spit and polish. You'll find that

I want my men to be prepared for any
emergency.

I want them to be alert. I want them to
be able to dance.

Dance? Well, of course.

Show me a soldier that can foxtrot. I'll
show you a happy soldier. Of course,

you men are all familiar with the waltz.
The cha -cha -cha, the rumba, the

merengue. What's the merengue? I've
never heard of it, Sergeant.

What do they teach them in basic
training these days?

For $5, you can all join my weekly
dancing class.

$5? Or perhaps you'd rather join my
weekly KP class, my garbage disposal

That's what it came down for the
Saturday class.

Put Dawson down for the Saturday class.

If you count me in, do you have change
of 20? Change?

20, 20.

Sarge, you're crying.

It's been so long since I've seen a 20
in this movie.

Panic, Lord.

You sure you want changes at 20? Wait a
minute, Sarge. I do have a five.

That's a five, too.

25 dollars. For 25 dollars, I can name a
dance after you. The Wong Lee Mazurka.

No, thanks.

He's fixed with the beginning.

He's going to develop his strength.

Help me, help me.

Sarge, shall I show the boys their
bunks? You show them. I'll show him.

Come with me.

Suppose you'd like a nice bunk with a
view?

Oh, I'm not sure.

He's not juicy, but I am the best for
this boy. Here's a lovely bunk right

right by the window. You'll be the first
one to see the morning sun. How about

that? But somebody's up there, Sarge.

Somebody's up there indeed.

Somebody's in there.

Just a loiterer, that's all. You'll be
very happy here.

Gee, it's awful nice of you, sir. Well,
of course. I'm always glad to help a boy

with a 20. I mean a boy in his 20s away
from home.

You'll be very happy here because... Do
you mind if I put this picture here?

What is it? A picture of your family?

Yeah, that's sweet.

Yeah, they're standing out in front of
our restaurant in San Francisco. Oh,

father has a restaurant in San
Francisco? I've never been there. Maybe

been to the one in Chicago.

The Lumley Garden?

Your father has two restaurants?

No, he has ten.

And don't stand there. Help him make his
bed.

I suppose it keeps your father very busy
going from restaurant to restaurant,

bank to bank. You sure got to hand it to
him. When he landed in San Francisco 30

years ago, he only had one dollar in his
pocket. Only one dollar. And now he has

ten. Why don't we stand here? Why don't
we help this boy in his... Look, would

you do me a personal favor?

You see that door over there? It's
exactly 20 steps from your bunk. I want

door to be your door.

Anything bothers you, knockety -knock.
And your sergeant is there.

Any favor. I'm your man. You understand
that. Thank you. Why, you stand there.

Let's help him. Help him up to his bed.
Come, sergeant. Come.

Come, sergeant.

Everything's going to be fine.

His father's a regular Howard Johnson.

Thank you, Buddha.

All right. You get the sandwiches? Six
sandwiches from the Bonton luncheonette

and six sodas cost $4.

It's a little expensive, but it's going
to be worth it. Is Wang Li out there?

Yeah, he's on his bunk resting. He said
you ordered him not to drill. Exactly.

Now, you guys know what to do with the
game. Right, Sergeant.

It's just like playing rummy, except
that the tiles are like cards.

Good boy. Now, I'll set the little trap.
I'll get our little Chinese pigeon.

Wang Li, Sergeant, we're going to hold
him up.

One more shot.

Why? Because it's the Chinese national
game. The Englishmen play with. The

French play la balette.

The Chinese play mahjong. Hey, March,
you finally got some duties for me? Your

military training will wait. Right now,
it's welcome wagon time. How about a

sandwich and a bottle of soda pop? Oh,
gee, I just had my dinner. Oh, did you?

Then we can get right to the game.

What's that, mahjong?

He knows. He knows.

My dad taught me that when I was a
child. I haven't played it in years.

played it in years. Sit down. It'll all
come back to you.

All right, Juan. You go.

Seven bam.

Three crack.

More dots.

Nine bam.

Four dots.

East wind.

East wind.

Four winds. Mahjong.

Sorry, fellas.

Boy, wait till the guys hear how much
money I want for you here.

I don't want them to know that Sergeant
Gamble. Come on, get some street.

Well, Sergeant took us to the cleaners.

You like my look?

Six months of dancing classes.

All I got to show for it is one buck.

Sergeant wants to clean up this mess?

Leave it for Doberman. He'll love it.
Come on.

Well, Andy Bilker, you jerk.

You owe me 15 years. What do you got to
show for it?

One lousy dollar.

Oh, these mumbles are killing me.

Smart guy.

One dollar.

When my dad landed in San Francisco, he
only had one dollar in his pocket. And

now he has ten rest... And now he has
ten rest... Ten rest...

From the New Orleans restaurant.

From Ernie's Delicatessen.

Why not?

This is Ernie Bilko. Listen.

First thing tomorrow morning at the
motor pool.

We're having a meeting with the entire
platoon.

Yes. We're opening a Chinese restaurant.

You might be right. A Chinese
restaurant.

First thing in the morning at the motor
pool.

I must say, Bilko, it's a pleasure to
see so much activity in the motor pool.

Call me idealistic, if you will, sir,
but I think a man should do what he's

to do, and I'm paid to run the motor
pool, sir.

Very good, Bilko. Thank you, sir. I've
been working those carburetors. Get

pistols out. Okay.

All right, hold it. All right, come on.
Stop it. We've got work to do. Now,

where were we? We just made our first
million in the restaurant business.

the Chinese restaurant business here.
Sarge, are you sure?

I see we've got a doubting Thomas in the
crowd, huh? Well, let's find out about

the rest of you. All those in favor of
opening a Chinese restaurant, say aye.

Aye. It's unanimous. Now, here's what
we're going to do.

Now, we've got to get on up with who
knows all about Chinese restaurants.

Sarge. I found the perfect spot for our
restaurant. It's right on the corner of

Main and Sycamore Streets. Next to the
bowling alley? Yeah. I clocked the

by. It's just the kind of location my
father always picks. Good boy.

Uncle Sam didn't need him. I needed him.
Make a deposit on that store right

away. But, Sarge, are you sure we can go
into business? After all, we're in the

army. Don't worry about it, kid. I
looked it up. A soldier can do anything

wants as long as it doesn't interfere
with his military duties. Am I right,

boss? Right, right. As long as it
doesn't interfere with his duties.

interfering with our duties. Now, tell
me more about the store. Wait a minute,

Sarge. What about a cook?

They come hard. Not the one I found.

Sarge, Ritzik? Of course, Ritzik.

Are you sure he can cook Chinese?

I'm positive.

He can't cook American. Come on, give me
a few boxes of Reese's. I'm making

cupcakes. Right, Sarge. Come on.

Here he is, Wong, the valedictorian of
the Cook and Baker School.

Ha -ha, Ruben.

What surprise have you prepared for our
pilots today?

Come on, beat it, Bilko. I'm busy. Wait
a minute. I want you to meet one of my

new recruits. This is Wong Lee. Master
Noyce. Hi. I'll be looking for you at

Is that right?

Is that right? Is he all charmed? You
wouldn't think of this guy. He was one

the backbones of the United States Army.

How many men do you feed a day?

500. At three times a day. And each meal
a memory.

Oh, Ernie. Well, it's true.

There's no trouble too big enough that
he won't go through to satisfy our taste

buds. This man's an artist, and his
kitchen is his canvas.

Oh, Arnie.

Here's your cupcakes.

Just for you. Thank you. Thank you. But
does he get any credit for all the pains

he goes through? Does the army give him
a medal for his tomato surprises, his

meatloaves? No.

When his hitch is up, they count the
silverware. They ask him to turn in his

apron, and then they throw him out into
the cold, cruel world.

I'm not going to make no more cupcakes
for those kind of people.

Fortunately, you have friends.

Yeah? Who?

Wong and I.

And we're going to see that you have a
kitchen all your own, where nobody

you out when you're golden gray.

And you can cook to your heart's content
anything you want, as long as it's

Chinese.

Chinese? What, are you going to Shanghai
me?

Wong and I and the boys are opening a
Chinese restaurant, and you're going to

our cook.

You're nuts, Bilko. I'm in this kitchen
from 4 o 'clock in the morning till 6 o

'clock at night.

Works out perfectly. We're going to open
at 6 o 'clock at night and close at 2 a

.m. There's only going to be two hours
at home.

I'll never see my wife.

Well?

You got yourself a cookbook.

By the way, how much is the pay?

Well, to start with, nothing.

Well, I guess you can't have everything.

I want you to land these and start
practicing on them right away. Let me

Moo, goo, guy.

Pan?

I don't know you spoke Chinese.

This is working out beautifully, isn't
it?

He says you look like Fu Manchu.

Three cups of rice, two cups of bamboo
sprouts, water chestnuts. Hey, I haven't

got any of this stuff.

Well, aren't there any Chinese dishes in
the army cookbook? Yeah.

Well, you order your supplies from
Quartermaster's. Yeah, I'll make out a

Yeah, until you get everything on these
recipes. Well, the wheels are chaining.

Hey, Ritzik, here's the raisins you
ordered for the cupcakes.

Raisins? Cupcakes? Get that out of here.

Hey, what's the matter? What's the
matter?

Cupcakes, raisins, and the Chinese
restaurants? From now on, you're making

fortune cookies. And a double.

Right,

elbows up.

Pencils, please.

London! How do they look, Wang Li? Not
bad.

You're not kidding. I think they make
better waiters than they do soldiers.

Give me the Chinese menu. Right here,
Sergeant. All right, we are now going to

rehearse waiting on customers exactly as
we will do next week when we open the

restaurant. I want you to watch a piece
of news. Remember everything that Wang

told you. Who plays the customer? I do,
Sergeant. All right, get outside,

Paparelli. Remember that. He's watching
you. He's taking notes. I want

joviality. The customer's always right.
Remember that. All right, take notes.

All right, Paparelli, come in.

Well, good evening, sir. You must have
heard about our new Chinese restaurant.

Come right in, sir. We're so glad to
have you.

This is your table right here. I think
you'll find it very comfortable. Here's

your menu, and I'll get you a waiter.
Waiter!

Good evening, sir. You're a nut, sir.
You have one of our final waiters.

What are you crowding a customer? Give
him a chance to please.

Will you order a la carte or a la
dinner, sir?

I think this evening I'll splurge. I'll
have a la carte.

A wise choice. First, I'd like some nice
crisp egg rolls and a double order of

barbecued pork.

After that, a tureen of steaming wonton
soup and then some fried rice with lots

of cantonese.

You'd better hold the lots of cantonese.
I want to save some room for the press

document. Waiter!

Waiter! I can't help it. He made me
hungry.

Waiter!

Take over this station, Sarge. I just
came from the kitchen. The Chinese

has just arrived.

Our destiny is now in Ritzik's hands.
Let's get over to the kitchen.

Hey, what about my order, Sarge? We're
closed. It's the Chinese New Year.

Two o 'clock in the morning. Let's quit,
Ernie, huh?

Will you give up, Sarge? Ritzik's never
going to learn to cook Chinese.

That last batch of egg pooyang tasted
like goulash. All right, so we won't

a Chinese -American restaurant. We'll
have a Chinese -Hungarian restaurant.

Give him a chance.

I think I got it. I got it.

This is it, gentlemen.

Stanley has met Dr. Livingston. Edison
has invented the electric light. And

Rupert Ritchick has conquered Egg Poo
Young.

Somebody eat this. My tongue is numb.

Are you sure you're following the
recipe?

In my sleep. Well, wake up and try it
again.

Oh, Heidi, not again.

Now, look, Rupert, we're going to stay
in this kitchen until you learn how to

cook Chinese.

Don't send me back to that hot stove.
Please, I can't take it anymore.

Rupert, Rupert, this is no time for
battle fatigue. I won't go back. I'm not

going to do it. I can't do it.

Thanks, Wilco.

I need it.

Let me accept it, Miss Soldier.

Now, in there and cook.

Oh, good morning, sir. Good morning.

Wonderful morning, isn't it, Colonel
Hall? Yes. Walking to the mess hall in

crisp morning air certainly gives you an
appetite for breakfast. Nothing like a

good plate of bacon and eggs to start
the day off right, sir. You can say that

again. I told Mrs. Hall, stay in bed.
I'm going down and eat with the men.

Ah, here it is.

Food, food, food.

I don't recognize you,

sir. I've heard a lot of complaints
about Ritzik's cooking, but I always

they were exaggerated.

This is the wettest omelet I've ever
seen.

It is strange, sir.

Well, pass the rolls. At least we can
have some coffee and rolls.

This is not rolls, sir. It's rice.

Coffee, sir?

It's tea.

Ritzik!

Ritter! What's going on here? Here I am,
sir. More egg foo young.

Egg foo young?

So that's what it is. Now, who's taking
over this post?

Ruby Pooh?

Now, get back to the kitchen and bring
us some bacon and eggs. Yes, sir. And

coffee. Without rose petals.

Yes, sir.

That's where we're going to send the
replacements, Lieutenant. Right in the

middle of the China Sea.

The Makuchi Airport.

I know. The men call it miserable
Makuchi. Yes, that's why we're replacing

men who are there.

Two years is about all any soldier can
take. Is that why you wanted me to find

company of men who might be more
adaptable, sir?

Yes, a group of men with a far east
orientation would be just what we need

Makuchi. I think I've found the answer,
sir. What do you mean?

Look at this group here.

From Fort Baxter, Kansas, the outfit was
stationed in the Pacific during the

war, and they already have a Chinese
soldier in their outfit, which is a big

plus. That's not enough, Lieutenant.

How do we know these men would be more
at home in the Orient than any place

else? Well, just listen to their supply
list, sir.

300 pounds of rice, 20 bushels of bamboo
sprouts, 40 boxes of ginger, water

chestnuts, snow peas, jasmine tea.

And that's just the beginning.

Lieutenant, have orders cut immediately.

I think Makuchi -America relations are
about to reach a new high.

Where are they sending us?

Makuchi at all.

Miserable McCoochie.

Why? I don't understand it, sir, but
according to this dispatch, an officer

be here tomorrow to brief us for
departure.

I thought after all my years of service,
they'd let me finish out my time here

at Fort Baxter.

But after all, I'm a soldier.

And if that's where they want to send
me, that's where I'll go.

Miserable McCoochie.

The order was rather subtle.

For us, yes.

Somehow the men knew.

What do you mean, sir?

Egg foo young for breakfast, rose petal
tea.

Oh, you can't beat the Army grapevine.

It's better than radar.

It certainly is.

Washington just made the decision an
hour ago.

That would mean our men knew even before
Washington.

That's what I mean.

What?

Captain Buck, there's something strange
going on.

When I get egg foo young in the morning
in order to go to the middle of the

China Sea in the afternoon...

I know there's something wrong.

We'd better get over to the kitchen.

Well, Walt, how is it?

It's delicious.

You hear that, Rupert? You're a success.
Come on, guys, hurry up. The old man

won't tell me.

Seconds in my mess hall.

Do you realize what this means? For the
first time in my life, I'm going to have

empty garbage cans. I'm so proud of you.

You know what you've just done? You've
created a whole camp full of

future customers.

He's great, Sarge. When do we open? A
week from tonight.

That reminds me, Rock. We'll take a
letter to Duncan Hines.

Dear Duncan, we would like you to be the
first to sample our exquisite oriental

cuisine. Oriental cuisine.

There, there. I can't tell you.

Colonel Hawthorne, I was just on my way
to the motor pool to fix your jeep, sir.

Never mind my jeep. Bill Copeland looks
as if he'll be using a rickshaw.

Rickshaw? Oh, look, Colonel Hawthorne.
Chop suey. Chow mein.

Riddick. What's the meaning of this
Chinese cooking?

Sir, he's too shy to tell you. It's his
way of welcoming our new recruit, Wang

Li. It's sort of like a package from
home, sir.

He said it's rather sweet. He said his
celestial ancestors on

high will thank Colonel Hong.

Stop it, Bilko!

Good heavens.

Riddick, let me see your supply list.

Yes, sir.

Look at this, Barker.

Water chestnuts, bamboo shoots, snow
peas.

No wonder we were chosen to go to
Makuchi Atoll.

Miserable Makuchi, sir? Yes, Vilco. Now
get your motor pool packed.

We have to be ready to ship in 24 hours.
But, sir, why us?

According to this list, we're the next
best thing to a Chinese battalion.

You mean that's why they're going to
send us to Makuchi, sir?

That's right, Vilco.

Now get your motor pool packed, ready to
move out.

An officer attached to General
Foxworth's staff will be here tomorrow

brief us. But, sir, don't you... That'll
be all.

Yes, sir.

Well, there goes the restaurant.

Restaurant? There goes Fort Baxter.

What'd you come to me for? You know I
can't cook.

Now they're going to send them all the
way from Washington to teach us how to

behave in Makuchi.

How do we behave, Sarge?

That's it.

How do we behave?

What should I do with all this
charmaine? Eat it. You'll be hungry

hour.

You, watch the door. Tell me when
Bradford's coming. Right. Is everything

set? They all know what to do. How about
the wax?

Well, it took a little talking, but they
finally agreed. They don't want to see

anybody sent to Makoshi. Good.

I don't want that briefing officer to
miss the details.

Yeah, but Ernie, you sure it's going to
work?

If it don't, I can always jump over,
boy.

Hey,

Ted! All right, at ease.

Thank you, sir. This is Lieutenant
Williamson.

Lieutenant, this is Sergeant Bilko, who
is in charge of the motor platoon.

Now, while you're briefing him, I'll go
over to the supply room and see that

they're ready for you. Thank you,
Captain.

Thank you, Captain.

Now, Sergeant, you and your men are
going on a very important assignment.

we're well aware of that. Well, fine. I
just wanted to make sure you and your

men approach it with a proper attitude.

Now, since McCoochie is such a very
strategic island, we must always

the best possible relations with the
natives. They'll never leave our minds,

sir.

McCoochie's are a very old people with a
very ancient culture.

We must in no way disturb their
beautiful way of life. I understand.

I pack the cash register, sir?

Put it in the tool chest.

Tell me, sir, what type of money do the
McCoochins use?

Oh, their main unit of currency is the
mool. It's roughly equivalent to our

dollar. Oh, the mool. That's where they
must have gotten the word mool out.

Tell me more, sir.

But a cash register in a motor pool?

Oh, it won't be in the motor pool. Tell
me... Oh, yes, they make beautiful

baskets.

What do you want with the cash register?

What kind of basket?

What basket? The ones the natives make.

Oh, well, that's great. I got the stuff
for the cigarette girl.

And how do you like the costume?

Costume? It's all right if we were going
to Alaska. We're going to the tropics.

Give me more girl and less costume. You
know, zizi.

Hold it.

Tell me more about the good she's done.

Just a minute, Sergeant.

What did you say about a cigarette girl?
Just a small detail, Sergeant. The

electric side is ready, Sergeant. Oh.
Oh, good. Tell me, sir, do the natives

read English?

Oh, yes, they read English, but...
Blender, they'll be able to see this

miles. Let's see if it works, boys.

Would you mind, sir?

Oh, splendid.

Sir, we'll have the bulbs in red, white,
and blue, and Uncle Sam will get the

credit for this, sir.

Are you going to open a nightclub on
Makuchi?

Oh, you like the idea, you told me the
lieutenant would like the idea. He's

us 100%. Let me show you our floor show,
sir. Won't you sit down? Tell me what

you think of this floor show. It's going
to sweep the island. All right,

Clayton, everybody.

It's the best rehearsal.

Clayton time.

One, two.

You're absolutely right, sir.

Fender was flat. We'll do it again from
the beginning.

John, that's what they told us when they
threw us off that last island. You were

thrown off the last island? Yes, but in
the middle of the night it was hushed

up, sir. It was during wartime, you
know. Sergeant! What you were planning

doing would destroy American prestige on
McCoochie forever.

Who else was in on this? Well, the
entire post, so we thought we'd liven up

things a bit. Well, I'm going to liven
things up a bit, Sergeant. I'm going

right to your colonel.

Thank heavens I found out about this in
time.

I don't see what harm.

You think it worked?

Will we have to go to McCoochie? I don't
know. Maybe we went too far. You mean

we won't go to McCoochie? I don't think
we'll be able to get back on Roseville.

Well,

Todd,

you got us out of McCoochie. Yep, we
dissolved the corporation and all the

stockholders have been paid off. Well,
and I'm still stuck with the same

Don't worry, Sarge. Rome wasn't built in
a day either. Rome was.

Wrong. How's about we open an Italian
restaurant?

Tiro sandwiches to go, frozen lasagna.
All right, Sarge, go ahead.

Let's play some cards and relax.

Sarge, you got a minute? Minute? I got
years.

I'd like you to meet my father. Hey,
Dad. Your father?

Hello, Mr. Lee. I'm Sergeant Bilger.
This is Corporal Barbella. This is

Henshaw. It's nice to see you in town
and see your boy, why?

Well, it started out that way, but I
think I'll stay a while.

What do you like, Roseville?

I like the location. It's great for a
Chinese restaurant.

Another one. That makes 11.

Is it true?

That you went into business with just
$1? That's right.

But fortunately, my brother had $10
,000.

He went into business with just $1.

You didn't tell me about his brother. He
almost forced me into bankruptcy.

Is it true that you were going into
business, Sergeant Wilco? Yes. I'd like

meet your brother. You see, I have the
dollar, too.

Also seen in tonight's cast were John
Lee as Private Lee.

Joey Ross as Sergeant Ritzig, Nick
Saunders as Captain Barker, Joe Sullivan

Lieutenant Williamson, John Davis as
General Foxworth, and Mark Sato as Mr.

Now, stay tuned for more of our farewell
to Phil Silver's Invertivision.