All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s03e24 Bilko the Genius

There's a guy outside to see you, a
civilian.

A civilian? Yeah, his name is Buzzy
Grogan. Buzzy, you know Buzzy Grogan?

Buzzy Grogan, is he here? Show him this.
Buzzy Grogan. Buzzy Grogan. He's an old

buddy of mine. He used to run the motor
pool before I did. The last I heard of

him, he was driving a cab. Uh -oh,
sounds like a touch.

Yeah, I never heard of a hacky head who
wasn't supporting a wife, three

children, and a finance company.

That's the last five. Look, when a
buddy's in trouble, you don't ask

Poor Jack, driving a cab.

He had such a cushy job in the army.

Here he gets us.

Andy!

You old pirate!

Look at you.

You look fine. A little pale, but that's
understandable. Say hello to Rocco and

Henshaw. Hiya, boys.

How you doing?

Well, I... Don't bother. I understand.
Here. Here's a little something for the

kid. I need it. Will you?

Will you?

Why, but look at him.

Kid, why don't you reenlist?

Look, you come back in the army, you
don't have to put up with this hand -to

-mouth existence of yours in the army.
You get $250 a month base pay with

for the kid.

Oh, Andy, I own 300 cabs. First you come
back and the army can gut you.

You know what? If I don't sub -square
give you a 10 cent tip, in the army you

got security. You got a pension. You got
300 cabs.

Yeah! I'm doing great, aren't I? Oh,
it's good to see you again.

300 cabs. Andy, get the $5. Will you?
Will you? Will you?

You must have been pretty lucky. Oh, it
wasn't luck. Remember how you used to

laugh at me when I was taking that
business administration course in the

while you shot dice and played poker?

Where's your coffee?

Sit down, get some coffee.

Tell me something. The army taught you
how to become a millionaire?

Well, it helped.

Look, tell me something.

What courses did you take in the army?

Did anybody tip you off? Who did you go
to? Was it night classes?

Now, this aptitude test that you're
about to take will help the army

what you're best suited for. Whether it
be engineering, accounting... Oh, I'm

sorry I'm late, sir. I had a little
trouble finding the school building. Oh,

the way, you can talk to Buzz Brogan.

Please be seated, Sergeant Vilco. You're
just in time to take the aptitude test.

Oh, good. I was up all night studying.

Students?

Isn't it fun being back at school again?

Oh, I can hardly wait.

I love a good stiff challenge.

Let's get one thing straight right away.

Don't look it over to my pages, all
right?

I mean, you work your problem and work
mine. And you'll find out as you go

in life.

A cheater only cheats himself.

All right, gentlemen. You have exactly
one hour to complete the test.

Start.

Natural mistake, but his thing happened.
He dropped his paper

Are you finished?

Yeah. Boy, am I finished.

Look, sir, couldn't this test be our
little secret?

I don't even look at them, Sergeant
Bilko. I just send them right to

You see, I wasn't prepared for it. If I
could just work on this one. No.

Gentlemen, that's why I called you
together on Sunday to launch Operation

Power.

We are going to evaluate all the tests
that every man has taken in the Army.

The result of these tests has been
condensed and transferred to an IQ card

each soldier.

And these holes tell us a story about
the mentality of each soldier?

Yes, when put through the automatic
classification machine. And that's

what our classification department is
doing now.

Before we leave this room, the machine
will sort through millions of such cards

and give us the IQs of men ranging from
average to genius.

I thought I was going to play 18 holes
today.

What's so important you had to take me
off the golf course? I didn't even get a

chance to change.

It's a rush job. The general wants these
as soon as possible. Oh, rush job.

Here's the last. Fort Meade, Fort Dix,
and Fort Baxter.

All the data's been transferred to the
IQ card. Oh, thank you.

Here, stack these for me, will you?

Okay. Let's get this over with, though.
I'd like to play golf in the daylight.

Don't worry.

I'll have you back on the golf course
before you know it.

There you go.

There

you

are, General. Ah, good.

Gentlemen, these cards represent the
intellectual elite of our army.

Private Dawson, Fort Monmouth, PFC
Maxwell, Fort Dix, Corporal Engle, Fort

Benning.

This is a shame.

Why, here's a man who's been in the army
for 15 years and we're just getting

around to realizing that he has a rating
of genius.

Mark this name well, gentlemen.

Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko.

Bilko, a genius?

The message from the Pentagon couldn't
be clearer, sir.

Well, come to think of it, I'm not too
surprised. He took such pains with that

aptitude test.

Bilko, a genius.

I wonder how he fixed that.

Nobody can fix the automatic
classification machines at the Pentagon.

I wonder what they have in mind for
Bilko. With all the emphasis on brain

these days, probably some big job.
Perhaps even a staff officer.

Bilko, a staff officer?

And I thought he was a cinch for the
Bowery.

Oh, Captain Mark, how are you? Oh, fine,
Bilko. I'm just sorry the Army isn't

going to let you stay here to go to
school.

What? The Colonel will tell you all
about it. Good luck.

Sir, you're not going to put me out of
the army just because I failed the test,

sir? I assure you, if I had a little
more time, sir... Bilko, please.

I've got a report from Washington.

If it's the FBI, sir, I didn't cheat.

Bilko, stop worrying about the test. You
passed it. I passed it? Bilko, you not

only passed it, but this report from
Washington gives you a rating of genius.

No?

Genius? Me? A genius?

Furthermore, you received instructions
to board an eastbound train tomorrow

morning. I'm a genius.

Once aboard, you're to open these sealed
orders and proceed accordingly.

Clever, yes.

But a genius?

Some of us have a hunch that you may
even become a staff officer. You know,

Pentagon. All I meant to do was take a
small course in business administration.

But a genius.

A genius.

Bilbo, a genius?

I thought we were up against him. No
wonder he took all our money. Bill Coe,

genius. All these years, I thought he
was a crook.

Genius, Sergeant, genius.

I wonder if he'll invent anything. He
already did, the seven -hour week.

I didn't know it was going to feel
strange without a genius in the

And when you pack my stuff, be sure and
put in my books. You mean all your

copies of Keyhole Magazine?

Nothing exactly.

What are you all staring at? Excuse us,
Sarge. We never saw a genius before.

Hey, Sarge, what do you think the Army
used you for? Oh, I don't know. Maybe

nuclear physics, engineering, chemistry.

Maybe all three.

Oh, incidentally, Rocko, be sure and
wake me up at 3 a .m. That'll only give

four hours sleep. So what? That's all
the sleep Thomas A. Edison needed.

What do you think they'll say?

Wherever they need a genius.

Europe?

Asia?

Why don't you try the moon?

The moon?

You didn't hear it from me?

Good night, genius.

Sergeant Bilko, here are the men you're
going to work with, and I know you're

going to do a bang -up job for them. You
can depend upon me, sir. My brains,

they are.

Good, that's what's needed. You see,
each of these men is a specialist in his

own scientific field. Now, what we need
is an experienced army man to supervise

the men.

Naturally, somebody with the
intelligence to grasp the work that's

Of course.

Now, if you'll just tell me what this
project is.

Oh, it's much too complicated for me,
Bilko, but you'll get it the minute your

colleagues fill you in on it. Men, this
is Sergeant Bilko.

From now on, he's the man in charge.

Hi, Sergeant.

How are you, team?

They're all yours.

Well,

we're certainly glad you're here,
Sergeant. I'm Galileo Barton, the

meteorologist. How do you do? And this
is Walter Maxwell, engineering.

Maxwell, glad to have you aboard. I'm
sure you're eager to see my report on

thermodynamic improviser, Colt. Yes,
because I believe you spelled it wrong.

However, we'll go into that later.

My field is mathematics.

Mathematics. Splendid. I was always keen
on long divisions.

I see.

Gentlemen, please, must I remind you
this is a room of science.

Now, what is this bickering? What is
this? I say mathematics is infallible.

is an exact file.

And you have the nerve to argue with
that? Well, don't you see, Sergeant,

there are too many unknown elements and
factors for mathematics to be infallible

in all fields?

Tell me that.

You're going to mention the causative
factors of pure chance.

I was going to mention it, but now that
you did, why bother? No, he wasn't. He

was thinking of the unreliability of any
formula utilizing so many unknown

elements and factors. Now,

what is H2O?

Water. Of course.

There you have it.

Of what?

H2O, zero Fahrenheit, is what?

What?

Ice water.

Thank you. Thank you.

Now,

then.

Hey, Starrigan.

Sergeant Vilko reporting.

Oh, Sergeant Vilko. Well, how did you
find the men? Stimulating group, aren't

they? Oh, they're a fine bunch of chaps,
but I had to straighten them out on

water, sir. Water?

It's a little too complicated for you to
understand, so I gave them the H2O

treatment. Oh, I see. Well, I'll just go
in the security office and get the

men's records. You'll need them. Make
yourself comfortable, Sergeant. Thank

sir.

Your phone.

Hello,

Major Donegan's office.

No, the Major isn't here. Well, this is
Captain Potter at the Pentagon.

Will you tell the Major there's been a
terrible error in one of our IQ cards?

I don't know how it happened, but
Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko doesn't belong

genius class.

As a matter of fact, he's a... You
should

have it in two days.

I'll see that the Major gets the
message. Yes. Yes, I've got it.

Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko. Yes, I know.
I'll tell him.

Fig.

If I had any brains, I'd know I wasn't a
genius.

I'm thinking I'm in the same class as
those guys.

How nutty can they get? Two days.

Two days.

How can I use all that brain power?
Those guys can figure out anything.

But what? What?

Hello?

Hello?

I've been mulling over your theory. What
theory?

You still contend that mathematics can
solve any problem?

Definitely, Bill Gilbert. Why? Well,
purely in the interest of science.

a group of animals were going to any
given direction, each animal exerting

maximum amount of energy.

Now, can mathematics determine which one
would be victorious?

Like in a horse race?

Hey, that's an interesting thought. What
made you think of that? Yes, like in a

horse race.

Application of higher mathematics to
horse racing. Well, of course, if this

just theory. Oh, no, Belko, I'm positive
it can be done.

Then we owe it to science and time.

Let's find a newspaper. I understand
they occasionally print the racing

selections. Oh, uh, Dodson, would you
get us a newspaper, quickly? How do we

this? Get us a newspaper. We want to
look at the racing selections.

If we could...

There's your winner, Sergeant Bill,
called Blue Devil.

Baby, so is that nag as ready for the
blue factor? Not according to my

Here's how it works.

Track conditions plus distance over
weight plus the square root of the

age divided by the differential of his
fast performance raised to the third

power equals the winner.

Solar is to it. Blue Devil's the winner.

Well, I'd like to take your word for it,
but we've got to make sure. Turn on the

radio. It's mathematically impossible
for him to lose.

Okay, okay, but we'd better check.

Quiet. And now, racing fans, here's the
result of the fourth race at Santa

Anita. The winner is Blue Devil.

You're a genius.

I've been looking for someone like you
all my life.

With the rich.

Rich. Rich. Rich in the scientific
sense, of course. Rich in the knowledge

man no longer has to live by chance.

Oh, but forgive me, men. My emotions are
running away with me. I've forgotten

for all men of style.

I'm going to give you a chance to put
your theory to a realistic test. Gee,

thanks, Sergeant Wilco. You're going to
pick the eight winners at Santa Anita

tomorrow. Tomorrow, so for short notice.

Yes, I know, but I promised myself two
days to finish this project, and in case

something happens to me, I want it to
keep going. Do you understand?

How about it?

Okay. Good boy.

Wilkins, you and I together will achieve
something beyond the wildest dream of

science. What's that?

An eight -horse parley.

You sure these are tomorrow's winnings?
Positive. I checked with the Hobbs and

Crump Rectometer.

Okay, I'll put this call in to Patsy,
the bookmaker at Roseville.

He's riffraff. We might as well conduct
this on the field condition.

Hello. Hello. Hello.

Say, buddy, this phone is out of order.
We've got some very important business

to transact.

They're all out of order, Sergeant. New
security regulations on this post. No

outside calls.

No outside calls.

Well, there's no way out of it, Wilkins.
We've got to create our own emergency

communication. It's not my field,
Sergeant.

Engle is the electronics expert.

Electronics. That's it. We've got to
find Engle with his country calls.

If I understand you correctly, Sergeant
Wilkins, you want me to build you a

radio transmitter, but that'll take a
week. A week.

We're dead.

An eight -horse party and I'm cut off
from the world. Why do you want to go

through the trouble of building a radio
transmitter? Why don't we convert the

shortwave radio we've already got?

That's right. That's what we ought to
do. Why don't we convert this?

What are you standing there? Convert!

All I have to do is reverse these two
tubes. You've got to reverse the tubes.

Transfer these terminal wires.

See the wire? He's working with the
wire. And make a new connection here in

grid. Uh -huh.

What's that? What do you need?

Paperclip.

A paper clip. He needs a paper. You like
that? A paper clip? Come on, give me a

paper clip.

Yeah, here's a paper clip.

Is it in the way? You can do it right
now. You want another clip? Would

clip help?

Hello, Benning. Hello, Benning. This is
Greenville. Hello, Benning. Testing one,

two, three. How do you read me? Over.

Hello, Greenville. Read your five by
five. Over.

Roger, Benning. Over and out.

Good show. Good show.

This is radio transmission.

Get me four facts of Roseville, Kansas.

Personal, personal call for Rocco
Barber.

Sergeant Filco calling Fort Baxter. Fort
Baxter, come in, please. Sergeant

Filco. Come in, please. Come in. Come
in.

Ernie, I can't hear you.

Oh, here he is. Yeah.

Filco wants to talk to you. Filco on the
radio? No kidding.

Come in, Ernie. Hi, Ernie. It is Rocco.
What's up, Ernie?

Rocco, listen carefully.

Where are you, Ernie? I can't tell you.
Now, listen. I got a main horse parley

today at Santa Anita.

I want you to go down to Patsy, the
bookmaker, and bet $100.

Ernie, it's two days before payday.
Everybody's tapped out.

Never mind. I got the money. Just get me
Patsy on the phone. I'll talk to her

myself. Oh, just a minute. Get me Patsy
to book my girl on the phone.

Hold on, Ernie. Grover's going to dial
her. How you feeling?

Boy, it's crazy around here. Just a
minute.

Hello, Patsy? Hi. Just a minute. Bilko
wants to talk to you.

Oh, Bilko, it ain't too big for me to
handle. Just get the money up and you

a bet.

What?

Trust? You, Bill Cole?

I don't trust nobody, and to me, you're
a nobody.

I don't care if you got the money in
your pocket. I want it in my hand.

Patsy, pals.

Baby Patsy, this is Bill Cole, your old
buddy.

He hung up, Ernie.

There's a fortune at stake. I gotta get
that bet down.

Well, why don't you send me the money?

What do you mean, send it to you? The
race is today.

I'll never make it in time.

Wait a minute, you just hang on.

Where's Maxwell?

You're an engineer, aren't you? I
certainly am. I'm a graduate of MIT. I

doctorate in mechanical engineering.
Stand by.

My own guided missile.

Maxwell,

you sure this will work? I'd stake my
life on it. I've got Fort Baxter for

Sergeant. Hold it. Keep working.

Fort Baxter, come in. This is Sergeant
Philco. Is Rocco there?

Rocco? Yeah, Ernie.

Now, listen to me good. Listen, Rock.

You know the old sentry box in the empty
field behind the radio shack?

Well, get right over there. Jump in the
jeep, get right over there, and wait for

our rocket.

Bilko, signing off. Anytime you're
ready, Sergeant. Oh, wait a minute.

I put the selections and the money? Oh,
right here in the nose cone.

Go get it, baby.

All right, then.

Prepare for launching.

Area of distance, Greenville to Fort
Baxter, 304 .5 miles. Good. Exact target

area, one mile, due west of Bank. All
right, men, move it. It's near post

Elevation, 45 degrees. Weather
correction, wind from the north, 8 miles

Wind deflection, 2 degrees.

All right, men, stand by. History is
being made.

Prepare for launching.

Countdown. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3,

2, 1.

Round zero.

They're out.

Boy, the $2 window was never like this.

Radar station 347.

Reporting unidentified flying objects
heading due west.

10 ,000 feet.

Identify yourself.

This is your last warning.

Identify yourself.

Attention all units.

UFO over Kansas.

Condition red.

Condition red.

There's no sign of the rocket.

There's not going to be any rocket. I
think Bilko flipped his lid. Eight horse

parley rocket.

I think I hear something.

Rock, look!

Hey, hey!

Let's go!

We better get the bed down. It's only
half -hour before post time.

Come on, let's dig it out. We've got
that bed down.

Good afternoon, racing fans. Here are
the results from Santa Anita.

The first race was won by Prince Tom.

Four ready to place and three 20 to
show. And the winner of the

second race was Guy Admiral.

In the third race.

So we were in the middle of a very
important mathematical experiment. You

see to yourself as the job.

I'd like to say a few words. Oh, yes.
But, sir, we're right in the middle of

this problem. Yes, the chalk, I was
just... I understand, Sergeant. I just

to say a few words about our great
expectations for Operation Brain Power.

Pentagon Field.

This is one of the most important
projects the Army has ever undertaken.

Well, gentlemen, that's all I have to
say. Oh, really, sir? I've enjoyed

this little chat with you.

All I can say is work hard and good
luck. Thank you very much, sir. It's a

pleasure working under an officer who
understands the problem.

So much for Jamaica. And here's the
final wrap -up at Santa Anita.

Winner of the first race was Prince Tom.
The second race, Guy Admiral. In the

third race, it was Mirador.

In the fourth, it was Coronation. Ruby
Red in the fifth.

And North Light in the sixth.

Only two more. Don't tease me. Only two
more.

In the seventh.

We got it.

Don't give me grudges now. Just one more
winner.

And the winner of the last race. But
before we give you the winner of that

race, folks, here's a word from Happy
Harry.

I'll buy it. I'll buy it a lot.

Come on. Rush right down to Happy House.
We'll fly. Come on. Watch the rebound.

Here it is, folks. The eighth and last
race. Santa Anita. The winner, Bluebird.

I hope my name should be in the
neighborhood of $364 ,000.

This is a great day for science.

Shoot them through.

Talk to them.

Angle, are you still here?

I love you all.

All of you.

If we can write that back to her, I want
to talk to Fort Baxter.

I love you all.

I deeply love you. You need something?
You need a clip? You got a clip?

Clip.

Clip. Clip. I'll ask you again,
Sergeant.

What are the code names Prince Tom, Sky
Admiral, Bull Guard stand for?

I already told you. They're the names of
racehorses.

And this money?

Somebody sent us the money and the names
of the horses.

Am I supposed to believe that somebody
is using a rocket to place bets?

The place of the best joker would shoot
himself out of a cannon.

Come in, Rocco. This is Joko.

That's him. He's the guy who sent it.
Talk to him.

Rocco, come in. Where are you?

I'm here.

Make sure they pick their carbines and
go down the path in the bookie and pick

up the loot.

We're one in the neighborhood of 365
grand. We're rich. We're rich.

Ernie, we didn't get the bet down.

Stop clowning. Now go get the money.

Listen, Ernie, as soon as we picked up
the rocket, they grabbed us.

The MPs, the Air Force, the FBI.

Ernie, they think we're spies.

You hear me, Ernie?

Ernie?

Ernie?

To tell you the truth, Wilco, I'm sorry
they won't let you stay with us.

He didn't get the bet down.

But you'll be pleased to know that Army
Ordnance thinks your missile experiment

may result in a new method of combat
communication.

And the men here say you were
responsible for it. Nate Hoss Polly. He

the bet down.

He might cheer you up. I think I'll kill
him.

Maybe I'll just strangle him a little.

Wilco.

Oh, excuse me, sir. The eighth race at
Santa Anita. Bluebird didn't win after

all. He was a small five.

The winner was Andy Ball. Well, that's
impossible. So Wilkins here figured it

out mathematically. Wilkins, did you
tell me? I'm sorry.

Corporal Engle was right.

The laws of mathematics are not
infallible.

I guess nobody can ever accurately
predict the outcome of a horse.