All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s03e23 Bilko the Art Lover

Only the hair, not my ears. You may look
better without ears. Don't move.

Hey, Paparelli, I'm next. I'm sorry,
only by appointment. Okay, I'm making an

appointment. Well, you see this, it's
the latest thing from Hollywood.

Yeah, what is it? The tab hunter trim.

It's an exclusive.

Nobody else on the post is going to get
it.

How do you like it?

I don't know. Hey, Fender, how do you
like it?

Cancel my appointment.

What are you cooking?

It's going to be a surprise.

If anybody can eat it, that'll be a
surprise.

Oh, stop.

I want those free spits in the motor
pool cleaned out. But, Sarge, that's a

dirty job.

Nobody ever looks down there. I look
down there, and what's more I want it

today. I've been too lenient with these
jerks. You give them a finger, they'll

take another.

What's that?

I just doped him with his hot plate.

It's another thing. Cook it in the
barracks, huh?

All right, Duncan Hines, pour that stuff
out into the sink. But, Sarge, it's a

new recipe.

You like cooking? Put this man on K .P.

Harry Como.

You like to cut things? Get out there
and cut the grass. Sarge, cut the grass?

Talk it back. I just trimmed the hedges,
too.

The rest of you guys get this place
cleaned up. But, Sarge, this is our rest

period. Excuse me, I forgot. This is
your rest period. I forgot all about it.

Excuse me. Okay, you're restricted to
barracks. You don't leave here tonight.

That's where you'll get plenty of rest,
huh?

Come on, don't stand there.

Hey, what's with him? He's been that way
for a week.

Yeah, he's acting like a sergeant.

Boy, if I'd have known the army was
going to be like this, there'd be no

in leaving my wife.

I'm telling you, nothing is bothering
me. I sleep soundly. I get up feeling

refreshed. I open the window. I take a
deep breath of fresh air. I eat a hearty

breakfast. And then all of a sudden...
You're in bad shape.

Maybe you should see the doctor. What's
the matter with you guys? You're acting

silly just because I flare up
occasionally?

I'm telling you, I never felt better in
my life. Look at me.

Am I calm? Look at my hand. Steady? My
eyes are clear of the color? My skin

fine? I'm telling you, I feel fine.

Relax. Relax.

Oh,

your color's good.

Your eyes are clear.

Now, whatever's wrong with you is
certainly not physical.

Then you mean it's... Oh, no, nothing
like that. Oh, it's simply a case of

nerves. Nerves? Well, how do I get it?
Well, with most people, it's from

overwork. In your case, I don't know
what it is.

Get rid of these nerves.

Change your climate, change your
scenery, my help.

Well, you're the doctor. If you'll just
sign these travel orders, Honolulu would

be a perfect place. The serenity of
Waikiki Beach.

I mean, save the luau, the guitars.

I have just the place.

The sun. Too close to Hollywood.

That's right.

I know of a Jim Dandy place, doctor. Las
Vegas. It's so rest now.

Yellowstone Park.

Sun Valley?

Well, where else is there left? I
mean... Oh, you don't.

You don't mean Roseville.

I don't know. The best I can do for you
is a two -week furlough, and you're on

your own. Thank you a lot, Roseville. I
should have stayed in the South Pacific

when I was first there.

Gee!

Oh, man, when I was mean to you, it
wasn't that I was mean.

I was sick.

Let's call it a case of delayed battle
fatigue.

Oh. You're looking disturbed, Pamperley.
Please, I see that mistiness in your

eyes. Would I be mean to you, Doberman?
You're like my own flesh and... All

I need to be my same jovial, sunny self
again is to have a vacation.

Now, I know you men have all seen those
posters.

Send this boy to camp.

Well, I'm asking you, send this boy away
from camp.

As you've always given in the past.

Hey, Sergeant, check's all right?

Yes. For those who haven't available
cash, of course.

And for those of you who wish to
contribute anonymously, I won't even

You better put your hat on, Sarge, or
Ted's cold, too.

Thank you.

I'm lucky I wasn't asking for a blood
transfusion. Oh, blood we got, Sarge,

no money. No, thank you. This is no time
for jokes.

This is serious.

Don't you see what I'm feeling with you
fellas? Don't you know what can happen?

Would you rather wait till you have to
contribute to the Bilko Memorial Fund?

Henshaw, show them what this could be.

Men, we are gathered here today in
memory of our beloved sergeant. Thank

much. I'll give a dollar. Who'll join
me?

Certainly not. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

It's a good thing to... All right.

This is a stick of the...

You like my luck, huh?

Two weeks furlough, no place suspended?

Sarge, if you can get to New York, you
can stay at my house. Oh, thank you very

much, Fender, at your house. With your
wife, your mother, law and the six kids,

it made a total wreck out of you.

I need a rest.

Hey, my uncle's got a farm.

Acres of grapes, trees, lots of cows
with fresh milk.

Sarge, you'll love it.

Yes, like I always said, when you need
them, Dino comes through. Where is this

paradise? It's in Italy.

You drive past the...

Best consideration and thoughtfulness
when you're making out the latrine duty

list.

When you're stuck, Ernie, you'll have to
spend the two weeks here.

No, never.

I'm going to go through my accounts
receivable ledger. Somebody must owe me.

Somebody owes me something.

But, Ernie, if a guy gets in your ledger
under debt accounts, that means he's in

the poorhouse.

Quiet.

I'm going to get it. Here we go.

Corporal Bernie Franks. This creep has
owed me $35 for two years now.

Is he still in the army?

Yeah, he's over at Fort Tillman. Good.
I'll put the screws on that little

welter. I'll get it out of him. He's a
major now.

He is?

Well, better to give than to receive, I
always say. Hey, Todd, look at this.

Manny Fritz.

$800 ,000.

$800 ,000? What's that?

I played him gin on a slow boat to
Guadalcanal.

Boy, if you can collect that, huh?

I collected it. I settled for $10. The
count is closed.

500 yen.

Who's got time to go to Tokyo?

Carlisle Thompson III, $4 .50.

Boy, how you played up to him, huh,
Sarge? That was the only millionaire son

ever had in this platoon. Yeah, and he
took good care of me. I thought I was

pretty sharp till I met him.

Oh, I played up to a millionaire son. I
let him sleep in my bed, right?

I let him use the Jeep. I even had
Doleman do his laundry. Then we found

don't come into his inheritance till
he's 25 years old. We had to get him a

Well, that's the brakes. That's the luck
I'm wanting steadily. Well, down memory

lane, let's see who else we got.

.22.

Bingo!

My Lord Thompson III is now 25 years
old.

That was three years ago.

Oh, we must call him and wish him happy
returns of the day.

Do you think he'd get your four and a
half back, Sarge? How dare you? You

I would hound my personal friend
Carlisle Thompson III, who lives in a

mansion on Park Avenue where a tired old
sergeant can spend his vacation?

Hound a man for $4 .50?

Never. Ah, you mean... In other words...

Carlisle III

remembers me.

Well, Carlisle, I suppose you're
wondering why I called. Well, I'll tell

The old sergeant's coming to New York
for a few days, and I was just wondering

if you could recommend some hotel to me,
some nice, homey place.

Well, my aunt always stays at the Ritz
Plaza.

The suites are big and comfortable.

Of course, there's the Waldorf.

You don't seem to understand, Carlisle.
Your suggestions are a little too rich

for my blood.

You know what a sergeant's pay is. Oh,
but don't let it disturb you. I'll just

go to some all -night movie and sleep
there.

My bed here on the post.

The one I used to let you use, you know,
so you'd feel at home.

Wait a minute, Sarge. I've got an idea.

You've got an idea?

What is it, dear boy? Why don't you stay
here at the house, Sarge?

Dad and I would love to have you.
There's plenty of room.

Well, thank you. Isn't that terribly
sweet of you? Yes, I'd be delighted.

Where? The east wing? I don't care. It's
the east wing or the west wing.

Surprise me. I'm not particular.

What?

You'll send what?

Well, isn't that terribly nice of you?

Thank you very much, Carlisle. I look
forward to seeing you next few days.

Splendid.

Congratulations, Sarge.

How are you going to get there?

By plane.

What plane?

His plane.

I've never been on a private plane.

Do you tip the pilot?

You must be Sergeant Bilko.

Well, I'm not Colonel Hall.

Carlisle.

Splendid, splendid.

Carlisle, I am telling you for the last
time, you've got to give up this foolish

notion of becoming a sculptor and go
into the family business.

Dad, I've told you a million times, I'm
not interested in the shipping business.

Oh, you're pretty independent for a
young man who has no money of his own.

I'm sure.

Well, until you're 25 years old, which
won't be for another seven months,

living off me.

And you're going to do as I want you to
do, and that's to go into the shipping

business. Don't try to bully me, Dad.

I feel I have something to say as an
artist.

Take my woman with grapes, for instance.

Grapes? You mean that says something?

Yes, it does. Well, I'll tell you what
it says to me.

It says to me that you're going to go
into the shipping business, young man,

you're on your own. Now, don't try to
bully me, Dad.

Now, listen to me, Carmel. Oh, I've
listened to you long enough.

We're putting you in the blue room. Some
blue room. Oh, John, I wish you had

told me. Anything wrong, sir? I brought
my orange pajamas. The colors will

clash. Shall I change your rooms? Oh,
no, no. I'll change my pajamas. I'm sure

you have more rooms than I have pajamas.

Marie, are the rooms ready for Sergeant
Bilko? Yes, Stanton.

I hope you don't mind, but I took the
liberty of lighting a fire in the

fireplace for you. My dear, you can take
all the liberties with me you want.

You'll find me very difficult.

Now, if you'll come this way. Oh, yes,
sir. What do you say? I've made up my

mind. I'm not going in the shipping
business.

Carlisle, look who's here.

Get out of this house and stay out.
Who's that?

My dad. That suits me fine. I can't get
out fast enough.

I don't need your money. I don't need
your house.

Carlisle, what are you doing? That's
your father. Go on in there and

And when you leave, take all of those
silly, stupid doctors with you. Don't

worry. You'll never see them or me in
this house again.

Don't mind him, sir. He's a bit
hysterical.

I'll put myself together.

I finally stood up to him. Oh, my father
knows best.

Oh, you don't know him, Ernie.

I'm leaving this house forever. We'll
talk it over. I've got a lovely room

a fire. Come on upstairs.

Oh, no, Ernie. I'm not going to let you
stay another minute in this house. Hold

it. You've got this all wrong. Your
father's mad at you. He ain't mad at me.

Come on.

I'm getting out of here. I finally had
enough of this.

Benton, we're leaving.

Your bag, sir. Where have we gone? Don't
worry. We'll find a place. Well, look,

aren't you being a little hysterical?

Tell Marie to keep that fire going. I'll
be back.

Look at this joint. It's murder.

Come on, let's go home. Oh, no, Ernie.
This is just what I want. A place of my

own where I can work.

Too bad you're a sculptor. What this
place needs is a painter.

What are you, brother? You guys want the
apartment or don't you? Yeah, I'll take

it. Oh, don't pay any attention. That
means one of those eccentric

The building's full of them.

Gee,

I only have $19.

Oh, well, that does it. Let's go home
and tell Dad we're sorry. Oh, no, no,

Ernie. We'll just have to find a cheaper
apartment.

You're in it.

Oh, look, you're just a kid. You're
excited. Okay, we'll stay here a couple

hours. Then we'll go over and check in
at one of those park avenue hotels,

right? Oh, I couldn't if I wanted to,
Ernie. I'm broke.

What do you mean, broke? You stopped at
a bank to cash a check. I haven't got a

bank account. That was my last $19 in
the world. You left?

Is that all you had left from your
million -dollar inheritance that you got

you were 25 years old?

I won't be 25 for another seven months.
Well,

let's go home and think it over for a
while, for like seven months. Oh, no,

Ernie. This is where I stay until I make
it. You don't understand. All you have

to do is tell your father, say, Dad, I'm
sorry, I lost my head.

I just heard you moving in. I'm Felix
Stanton. I have the studio across the

hall. Another artist.

I'm Carlisle Thompson, a sculptor. What
do you do? I'm a painter. You say, Dad,

I didn't know what I was saying. Well,
as long as you're going to be living

us, I thought I'd tell you about the
schedule for the bathtub. Say, Dad, I

my head. You're at the bottom of the
list. What are you, the bathtub warden?

talking to you.

Say, is this your work?

Yes, that's my woman with grapes. Your
lines are very strong. You seem to bring

the stone to life. You've got real
talent. Wonderful, wonderful. My boy,

giving you my turn at the bathtub.

You think I have a future? My boy,
you'll make a fortune.

Why, this piece alone... Take your hands
off the statue, J .D. We won't be able

to sell it.

We?

You didn't think I deserved a struggling
young artist, did you? How many of

these can you make a week? Look, when
you put a clock in the stomach, that

it a novelty.

Hey, take your hands off this.

Is that all right, Mr. King? A little
more to the left.

Ah, ah, ah, that's perfect.

Always remember, Nelson, that part of
selling sculpture is presenting it just

right. Yes, sir.

Ah, Mrs.

Emerson. What a pleasant surprise.

Thank you. I just came in town to go to
the bank. But I thought that I'd buy a

piece of sculptor for our country place.

Why, you came just in time. I have a
marvellous bargain.

A bust by Rodin for only $8 ,000.

Oh, could I see it? It's in the back.
I'll get it for you.

Excuse me.

Yes.

Stop!

Oh, excuse me. Do you know where Mr.
Tate is? Well, he's in the rear getting

something for me. He'll be right back.
For you? Well, you must be a customer.

Yes. Do you know that he has a bust by
Rodin for only $8 ,000?

Isn't that exciting?

Exciting? Well, if you're looking for
excitement, I have here an original

Carlisle Thompson III for only $6 ,000.
Gift wrapped, of course.

You never heard, didn't Mr.

Tate tell you about... Oh, dear, I put
my foot in it. I guess Mr. Tate was

saving this for the Duke and Wally.

Do you have a castle?

No, but Emerson Arms is one of the
largest estates in Connecticut.

I'll have Carl. I'll make another one
for the Duke. Why don't we step outside

and discuss? Here's the Rodin, Mrs.
Emerson.

Isn't it delicious? Oh, it's
breathtaking. Oh, yes, I must have it.

about my woman with grapes?

Oh, I can hardly see that at Emerson
Arms, you know. It's all French

Oh, I put it out on the lawn. The birds
will love it.

I thought he was your partner. My
partner? I was just telling her about

young artist that... Excuse me, Mrs.
Emerson. You want to have a conference,

yes? Now, will you get out of here with
that monstrosity, or shall I... Oh,

scratchity, how dare you? This is an
original Carlisle Thompson III. I was

to give your gallery first crack at
this. Thank you, but we don't handle

art. Modern? This was made over six
months ago. You can see me, sir.

The grapes are shriveling into raisins.

You own and you... Just a minute. All
right, just a minute.

One thing interests me. How do you get
$8 ,000 for a statue? Everyone knows

when an artist is dead, his work becomes
more valuable. Yeah, yeah, but why?

Because there will be no more work from
him. Naturally, whatever work he leaves

behind increases in value. I see,
because he's dead. But $8 ,000... Not!

Not!

Oh,

good morning, Mr. Tate.

Morning, Nelson.

Beautiful day.

Good day. Can I... I told you yesterday.

Please, please.

I just returned from a funeral. Funeral?

What funeral?

Carlisle Thompson III.

Is that the man you... Yes. So young, so
brilliant. I just had lunch with him

the other day. Struck down in the prime
of his life. Fortunately, he left some

of these precious pieces behind. You
hold this. I got the rest in the cab.

be right back.

Just a minute. I'm giving you first
packet, this. Every minute that goes by,

they increase in value. Guard!

I'll hit you. Guard!

All right, I got it, friend. Here it is.
Sculpture. Get

your sculpture.

Handmade sculpture.

It's spicy.

It's revealing.

Before the police... There, Mac.

You look like an art lover to me.

How about a nice piece of sculpture to
beautify your home? What home? I live in

a hotel.

Oh, the better. You can make an
impression on your chambermaid. There it

Look it up.

Hey, you. Hey, you, Brett. We've been
here all day and we haven't sold a

Let's take her back to the studio. Maybe
you're right. We'll get a better spot

tomorrow. This woman with grapes gets
heavier every day. Why don't you chisel

off a few grapes? All right. We can set
up right here.

Bring those cameras over here.

Art, right this way.

Watch out for that wire, folks. One,
two, three. What is this?

Television. They cover the art show
every year.

You're kidding. You mean they broadcast
this? Yeah.

Well, May, give me that statue.

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
This is Art Ford. We're here once again

paying our annual visit to the Greenwich
Village Outdoor Art Exhibit with our

mobile TV cameras. And it's a
magnificent array of art we have here

go over and meet one of our artists.

Young lady, what is your name?

Olga. Olga. Olga what?

Olga, that's all.

Well, very well. Now, suppose you... Oh,
Mitch!

I must talk to you. I salute you.

Forgive this interruption. This statue
of yours, I want to buy it. I don't care

if the sky's the limit. I want to buy
it. It's the most tremendous thing I've

ever seen. The sweep of the color. The
scheme. It's tremendous. I want it. I

want it. But it's mine. It isn't yours.

Well, whose is it? Whoever did it is a
genius.

The man.

I think his name is on the bottom. Would
you read it in my eyes? They're not

what they used to be.

Carlisle Thompson.

Carlisle Thompson.

He's tremendous.

I must find him.

Agent Carlisle Thompson, where are you?

Our art lovers are very enthusiastic.

Now, getting back to Olga. Now, where
did you say you were? There you are.

been looking for you, Carla.

What do you want? I'll write you a check
immediately.

How do you spell your last name? T -H -T
-O.

This is tremendous.

I'm not Carla.

Let's fight him because he's a genius.
Whoever made this is a genius.

Genius. Carla.

No, no.

I don't care what you bid for. It's
mine. I'll pay anything. I'll give my

fortune for this. This tremendous
statue.

Carlisle Thompson did it. Where are you,
Carlisle? I beg your pardon. You're

Carlisle? Why did you deny it before?

Why are you saying this? I love it. I
want it. I'll give you anything. I'm not

Carlisle Thompson, but I think our TV
audience would love to see Carlisle

Thompson's work. He's not Carlisle
Thompson.

Well, you want to see his... Well, he
has an exhibit right over here.

This exhibit.

You're going to be on television. This
is your big chance. You'll just stand

here. Look artistic. Don't say anything.
Let me do all the talking. Bring those

cameras over this way. Hello, friends of
TV land. Good afternoon. It's my

privilege to present one of America's
most talented sculptors. I'm very sorry.

In the weather conditions, we're going
to have to return you to our studio.

Put them back up on the truck there.

Couldn't wait a minute, huh?

Thanks for all you tried to do for me.
I'm sorry I lost some of your furlough.

Don't worry about it, kid. I still got a
week to go. I'll go back to Roseville,

live at the YMCA, eat at the USO. I'll
be all right. All right, so long, kid.

Ernie, before you go, I'd like to give
you something to show you how grateful I

am. It's going to be worth a lot of
money someday.

Hang on to it. Hang on to it? I can't
get rid of it.

I've got money for everything else.

Look at my father.

In a couple of days, he's opening up the
new Thompson building.

It costs $10 million, and it hasn't got
a piece of art in it.

That's the way the cooking crumbles,
kid. Well, don't be discouraged. Keep

chiseling. So long, then.

And now a building.

The Thompson Building.

Isn't it magnificent, Clark? It's
beautiful, Mr. Thompson.

And I think that my grandfather started
with only a little shack on a wharf.

Wait till my son realizes what he's
walked out on. He'll come crawling back.

this will bring him to his senses.

Nobody ever gets the best of UCT.

By the way, are there branch managers
all in town? Yes, they're all looking

the building now. Oh, good.

How do you do? Young lady, can you tell
me if Mr. Thompson is putting up a new

building? The newest thing on Park
Avenue. Oh, really? I hadn't noticed.

back to business. You see, I represent
this famous young artist whose name I

cannot mention. And I wanted to see Mr.
Thompson about this artist doing some

artwork for the lobby of the new
building.

I'm sorry. Mr.

Thompson has a very important meeting
scheduled with his branch manager.

manager? Here they are now. Excuse me.

Mr. Thompson's expecting you. Go right
in.

Samuel, Chicago.

Stanton, Cleveland.

Well, what do you think of us? Welcome
to

New York.

Well, now, gentlemen, I trust you've all
seen the new building?

Oh, yeah. What do you think of it? That
layout of the accounting department on

the 15th floor is superb, Mr. Thompson.

I think the rooftop cafeteria for the
employees is a wonderful idea.

Frankly, I like the building for what it
doesn't have.

Something we don't have? Yes, statues.

Statues? Statues, like the one they have
at Rockefeller Center. You know, that

big, beautiful statue of Atlas holding
the world on his shoulder? I grant you

it's a work of art, but who needs it? By
choice. I mean, it's just... Oh, I've

interrupted. Go right ahead. I'm sorry.

How would you men like the air
conditioning in every office?

When you think of it, all those people.
What people? People who come from all

over the world, you know, to take
pictures of the statue stopping traffic.

Thank heavens they won't stop at our
building and gawk at it.

Oh, I'm sorry. Go right ahead.

How would you men like... Star Pratic,
you say? Oh, publicity. That's all it

Publicity -seeking. What?

The people who talk about the statue
year in and year out. I mean, why

he spend his hard -earned money buying
publicity like you have to do?

Right,

George, that's a grand idea.

Why don't we sign up a petition and have
that statue torn down? Oh, no.

No, nothing like that.

We'll put up our own statue.

Brilliant. Why, George, why didn't I
think of that?

That's why you'll always be a branch
manager and I shall always be the boss.

That's right, C .T. You're right.

You'll have to work awfully fast to get
a statue.

Why, George, I happen to know this
famous artist who has this wonderful

It's called The Spirit of
Transportation.

Why, that's perfect.

Oh, who's the artist? Oh, Lee B .C .T.
You know him very well. No, no, no, I'm

sorry. I don't know any artists. You
know Picasso, don't you? Well, yes, of

course. Take my word of it. You know him
better than you know Picasso.

I don't care what it costs, I judge.
When you move, C .T., you move. The

of transportation.

Splendid, splendid.

And so, it is with great pride and
humility that we dedicate this new

the future home of the Thompson Shipping
Line.

And?

And, as a symbol of our great company,
we now unveil for the very first time a

new work of art, the spirit of
transportation.

Great.

Oh, yes.

That's a good shot.

Listen to this one, kid.

And the most impressive feature of the
new Thompson building is a statue. The

Spirit of Transportation by Carlisle
Thompson III.

You're famous, kid. Arnie, if it weren't
for you, I'd still be starving.

Glad to do it. Best of all, my father
doesn't mind my being an artist. Why

should he? I mean... Oh, Marie, is my
room ready?

Oh, yes, monsieur. Everything is ready
for you. I lit the fire.

Oh, bon.

Well, I've only got a week left of my
furlough. Might as well make the most of

it. Take advantage of your house.

Enjoy every moment.

Oh, there you are, my boy. Carlisle,
I've got a big surprise for you. A

surprise? Yes, thanks to Sergeant Bilko
here, I found out what a talented son I

have. Thanks, Sergeant. It's all right.

What's the surprise, then? I'm taking
you to Europe, my boy, to study art.

Europe? Did you hear that, kid?

Mr. Thompson, you're a fine dad.

Thank you. We'll close the house, leave
for Europe tonight.

Ernie came to spend his vacation with
us, and I sort of spoiled it for him.

Well, that's too bad.

Well, then there's no reason to close
the house. Sergeant Bilko can stay right

here. Have the run of the house. We're
taking Fenton with us, but then Marie

will be here.

Cut out.

Anything I can do for you? Yes.

Is my bag still packed?

Oh, yes, but I'll unpack it. No, no, no.
Leave it packed. I'll be leaving

immediately. You're leaving?

Yes. I would like to.

To know that you and... Who would
believe me?

Also seen in tonight's cast were Alan
Alda as Carlisle Thompson, Larry

as the father, Henry Lasko as the
landlord, Eddie Lawrence as Felix

and Art Ford as the commentator.