All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s03e22 Bilko Saves Ritziks Marriage

This is a card game, not a concert. All
right, take it easy. Take it easy. I got

to warm up the instruments, don't I?

I don't know. I must be getting old. I
lay off for two days, the fingers

up on me. How's this side?

Starting to tingle. Good. Hey, Sarge, I
brought the coffee. Where should I put

it? Put it over here, Doberman. How's it
feel, Ernie? Okay, okay. But you better

stand by with some liniment in case they
stiffen up on me. Well, gentlemen.

Hiya, boys.

Hey, well, Miss Sarge and Rittig.

Flowers and candy for me? Oh, no. You
shouldn't have. No, it's for Emma.

Today's our anniversary.

No kidding.

Yep, 15th anniversary.

How's it feel to be married 15 years?

Well, the truth of the matter is I
consider myself lucky.

Lucky? Yeah, lucky I'm not married 20
years.

Take your hand off me.

Got any money?

Yeah, about 30 bucks.

Come on, sit in for a few hands. It
won't be the same poker game without

sparkling personality.

Oh, no, I can't. Emma's expecting me at
8 sharp for a special romantic dinner.

You know, candlelight and beer.

Four or five hands won't hurt you. No,
not tonight, Bilko.

Emma and I made each other a solemn
promise. I promised to be home by 8, and

promised to kill me if I wasn't.

Come on, Rupert.

Now, don't come on me, Ernie. No cards
for me tonight.

And that's final.

All right, Rupert, what do you got?

Two pair. I guess that does it. Hold it.
Not quite.

Full house.

This figures.

Who deals?

More coffee. Get him some coffee, Hans.

Hey, it's all gone.

I'll get some more. You deal. All right.

Doberman! Look at Harry.

Doberman, you're starting to wash it.
Deal me in. And don't let him try to

at my cars.

Goldman, I'm sorry I woke you here. Will
you get us some coffee?

Panty up, boys.

All right, I am.

I'm tired.

Don't get so tired. How about 30 bucks?

I didn't win it. Me neither.

All right, so I'm a little ahead.

You'd think after eight years they'd
learn how to lose graciously.

There he is, gentlemen.

The army's answer to Ben's a dream.

I'll have him, I reckon. Just put
Sleeping Beauty back in the corral.

All right, I open.

I'm out.

Hey, what's that? There's no racetrack
around here.

Francis, that was Reveille.

Oh, yeah.

Come on, let's quit. If I hit the sack,
I still could get four hours sleep.

Reveille. Oh, no.

What's the matter, Reuben? Oh, she's
going to kill me. This time she's going

kill me.

Holy smoky boo's anniversary.

She's been waiting over nine hours.

Rupert, think of an excuse.

You don't know, Emma. She's going to
kill me. Little by little.

First, the eardrums are going to go.

Don't try to cheer me up.

She's going to kill me. I've got to
think of an excuse. An excuse.

Do me a favor. Shoot me in the leg. Come
on, Rupert. Be calm. I'll think of

something. Now, come on. Help me. A
little wound.

Oh, stop.

Don't panic.

Go on, Grover. I'll take care of it.

Where's the flowers? Quick, we've got to
start organizing. There they are. Oh,

no. They're a little moldy, but for
Emma, they're good enough. Where's the

of candy? They ate it all during the
game. They ate all the candy. All right,

put some weights in the box. Tie it up
nice and neat. See, I'm chugging. I'm

thinking of you. You're wasting your
time. Shoot me. It's the only way out.

One little shot.

Oh, stop.

Come on. I'll take care of you. Move,
move.

leave in the chair.

Ernie, give me a break. Let me make a
run for it.

This is a long shot, but it may work.
What is it?

We're going to convince her that he's
only an hour late. How?

You know how wine always makes Emma
sleepy?

We give her a couple of drinks. After
she conks out, we wake her up and tell

she's been out for nine hours.

No, I'll go it alone.

Why should the four of us die?

Oh.

Change the camera.

Put on the shade.

Keep it quiet.

I just shake her.

Rupert, you know... Here,

I brought you some candy and some
flowers. Oh, isn't that lovely? Rocco,

take those flowers and put them in some
water. Take the candy and put it in the

icebox. Rupert, I've got a freak waiting
for you. What time is it? What hour

I've been waiting for you?

Well, this thing is by George that calls
for a turn.

I must say, this is partly my fault. I
insisted on coming along. I made Rupert

wait for me till I got off duty.
Although he did say this is one night he

to be along with his loyal and devoted
wife.

Is that true, Rupert? I think so. Oh,
yes. A toast. A toast to the young

Why, George, I'm in an expansive mood. I
want to wish you another 15 happy

years. Won't you join me? Good luck to
the both of you.

Isn't that grand? Drink, drink, my dear.
No, I'd better not.

I get sleepy after two. But, madam, the
night is young and you're so beautiful.

I think all right. Drink, drink.

Oh, stop that.

Marco,

stop that.

Stop what? You and your barnyard
imitations.

Oh, stop it.

It's a party. He wants to do his
imitations. Oh, you should see him with

lantern. He is a skater. Drink, my
darling. Drink to Rupert.

Unlucky in cards, but lucky in love.

of making a racket like that this time
of the year. Oh, I want the first dance.

Music. There's going to be music.

More music and more even dancing.

Oh, may I say how lovely you dance. And
the fuss they make about centuries.

Good morning, everybody. The time is 6 a
.m. This is Tom Connolly with the early

morning newscast.

Did you hear that bonus Tom Connolly
made? He's been drinking again, you

Early morning newscast.

Still so.

Oh, that moonlight is so blinding.

And we were just... Get out of my way,
Bilko. I ain't ever hit anybody with

glasses.

Now, damn it. And for you, I'm fed up
with you and your fathead friends.

I'm through.

After 15 years, it's over. I'm free.

Can you hear that, everybody?

I'm free. Free.

I'm going to have to get out of here one
day for all.

Why don't you listen to reason? Bilko,
let her go. She's nuts.

And don't...

you she was nuts. I apologize.

Nothing to do with it. She's liable to
change her mind. You don't know what

you're saying.

I don't, huh? You don't know what it's
like to live with an air raid siren for

15 years.

I'm free.

I'm free.

Look. Look what I've got to show after
15 years of being married. Two dresses

and a pair of G .I. shoes. I'm going to
show you.

Look what I've got to show for 15 years
of marriage. Two dresses and a pair of G

.I. shoes. Well, I want to talk to you.
You're getting so upset.

can sell that football to me. He never
bought me anything in his whole life.

sick of his reading his comic books. I'm
sick of his grunting instead of

talking. I'm sick of his never paying
any attention to me. All right, so he's

not perfect. Is that any reason to break
up a happy marriage?

Gilko, I wish you the same kind of
happiness. Now, out of my way. I'm free.

Here I come, world. I'm free.

Free.

I don't understand. They go after her.
What for?

She keeps yapping like that, the ASPCA
is going to pick her up.

I feel responsible for this. Somehow I
feel this is my fault. Forget it, Bilko.

You did me a favor. It's going to be a
pleasure to get some sleep without

somebody yabbering at you.

So long, fellas.

Can you imagine breaking up after 15
years?

It's not right, Sarge. Don't worry. I'll
get them back together again. No, I

think she's gone for good. That's how
much you know women. All Rupert has to

is show Emma that he loves her, she'll
come running back to him. Yeah, but you

heard him. He's glad she's gone.

Oh, yeah?

That's what he thinks right now.

When I get through with him, he's going
to be panting to come back to Emma.

Rocco, this picture. Make me ten prints
of it, you understand?

Ten prints.

Maybe I should have shot him in the leg.

Hey, good morning, Ruben. Hiya, pal.

Any word from Emma?

Nope, and no news is good news.

Funny thing about Emma, you know, I kept
thinking about her all last night.

That's your tough luck. No kidding. I
don't know why I never noticed before,

there's a startling resemblance between
Emma and a famous movie star.

Bilko, you surprise me. I never knew you
drank in the afternoon.

Take a look at this picture of Emma. So?

See the resemblance? To who?

I don't know. The name's on the tip of
my tongue. Famous star.

Your favorite star.

John Wayne?

Debra Carr? Debra Carr. Don't you see
it? The same mature effectiveness.

The generous forehead. The straight
nose. The warm curves of the mouth.

Hey, let me see that picture. See the
resemblance?

No. You must be...

But hence your thought right away. Look,
the same inner glow of beauty, the same

seductive look in the eye. I'm telling
you, it's the start of resemblance to

Deborah Carr.

And another thing, you know, they were
both born under the same zodiac sign,

Scorpio. You can tell an awful lot from
astrology.

Yeah, like what?

Well, like two lovers.

They always have a piece of music which
they call our song. You've heard that

expression, our song.

What was your song, yours and Emma's?
What?

Oh, come on, cut it out.

Oh, you've got some fond memories, huh?

Come on, what was your song?

Well, our song was, The Quesads Go
Rolling Along.

The Quesads? Yes. When we were first
married, I was the chef of the

What a coincidence.

What do you think Deborah Carr's
favorite song is? What? The British

song, The Tommies Go Toddling Along.

You can't miss it.

Deborah Carr.

Not bad.

Over here.

Everything all set?

All finished, Ernie. You got the flight
projections?

Right here, Sarge. And may I present our
star?

Hey, Sarge, did Sherry make the tape for
you? Oh, I will, dear. It's a screen.

You got the platoon ready? They've been
rehearsing two hours. Boy, let's go.

Hey, Sarge. What? Do you think it'll
work? How can it miss? I know exactly

what's going to happen tonight. Ritzig
is going to try to sleep. He won't be

able to. He'll get up and watch the late
show on television.

That won't work. So he'll play solitaire
and it'll get worse.

Leave it to me. Poor Ritzig.

Me, poor Ritzig. I'm saving his
marriage, ain't I? Yeah, but they hate

other. What has that got to do with it?

All right, now remember, sweet and
romantic.

Turn

on

the tape recorder.

Turn on the picture slot.

Rupert.

Rupert Lover.

Where are you?

Emma.

Deborah. Do you miss me, Rupert?

I miss you.

Emma.

Emma. Oh, Emma.

Where are you, Emma? Where are you?

Emma. Emma.

What a dream.

I can't sleep.

Emma! Emma! You've come back!

Emma! Oh, it's you, Bilko. I was passing
by. I noticed your light was on. I

can't sleep.

Well, what's troubling you, Rupert? You
promise you won't laugh? Oh, I promise I

won't laugh.

I miss Emma.

Oh, dear.

Get a good night's sleep and it'll be
better in the morning. I can't. I'll

dream about her. Oh, yes, I...

Well, look, you have a lovely television
set. Why don't you watch it? It'll

relax you. My, sit down.

Here. The raw television is here. For
your enjoyment, why not use it? Don't

thinking of one thing. You know what I
mean? Have a look.

Oh, he's great. He's great.

It's never... Where? On a television
set.

Rupert, what's the matter with you? That
was a late movie with Hoot Gibson.

What's wrong with you? I can't change it
to be true.

Am I flipping my lid?

This is upset about... Sit down. Play a
little solitaire. It'll relax your mind.

Yeah, all right. Maybe it'll... You
can't just think of one thing all the

Perhaps you'll come back someday. But if
you're going to keep pounding your

brain and worrying and worrying... Oh!
What?

Oh! What? What?

What?

What do you see?

What's wrong with you?

You know what I think is wrong with you?
You're carrying a very large torch and

you ought to forget it. Why don't you
get a good night's sleep and relax your

mind? You can't keep constantly
chugging, I'm going to tell you. Yeah,

you're right. I'll feel better in the
morning. Get a nice restful night's

and put this under your pillow.

Hi, Drew.

Hi, Bill. How do you feel?

Lousy. Yeah, I know. Look, I want to
talk to you a minute.

Did you see the Roseville gossip column
today?

No, why?

I hate to be the one to have to tell you
this, but after all, I am your best

friend, and I got to. Tell me what?

Rupert, Emma is living in Roseville. So?

So. There's more to this. I clipped this
out of the paper. Wait till you hear

this. Well, what is it?

Carter Wainwright III, Canadian lumber
millionaire, and popular vivacious Emma

Ritzick are past the hand -holding
stage.

Why torture yourself?

Pass the hairball.

She didn't waste any time. Oh, she
didn't. And a million and all that. I

know why he seasoned her.

Are you kidding?

There are many girls around that look
like Deborah Carr.

Oh,

what do we have for lunch today?

Consommé. Consommé. Like it. Like it.

What's the matter, Rupert? Look in the
soup. Tell me what you see.

Here. Some noodles.

It's no use, Bill. Go everywhere I look,
I see you have no space. Oh, there,

there, Rupert. I've got to get her back.
I've got to get her back. Well, I might

as well tell you. I happen to know that
Emma is working as the cashier in the

Roseville movie house.

I'll go down there tonight.

Hey, maybe she'll take me back.

I'm sure she will. She'll be glad to see
you.

I've got to get her back.

I've got to.

Thank you.

Emma, please.

You bum.

Please, give me a chance. I want to talk
to you. I have nothing to say to you.

Now, leave me alone before I call a cop.

Oh, come on, now.

I forgive you.

Officer! I told you, Rupert. I told you
I was through, and I want you to leave

me alone. What's the trouble here?

This character is annoying me.

Officer, I just wanted to talk to her.

Soldier, come here.

Now, look.

This town's full of nice -looking girls.

What do you want to bother with that old
tomato for?

That has to be my wife. Pay no attention
to him. He's back. You mean to tell me

you're trying to make a date with your
own wife? That's right. All right,

Now, the next time I see you over there,
I'm running in.

All right, do me a favor. Do something.

I'll do something. Get him out of here.

Hello, Admiral. Leave me alone, Bilko.
You've done enough harm. Oh, come on,

Anna. Let bygone be bygone. I'm not
holding any grudge, Bilko. All I want

do is leave me alone and drop dead.

Will you please? Just let me talk to
him. Do you want a ticket, Bilko? No, I

don't want a ticket. I just don't want
you to throw away half... Give me a

ticket.

Emma, I'm trying to save your marriage.
The man wants to come back. Give him a

chance. Give him a chance. Come on,
soldier. Lady, please. Don't throw away

and it's so nice. The man wants you. Why
won't you want... Oh, please. Lady, I'm

talking to him. Next, please.

Come on, give me a ticket.

Please, don't let him ruin his life.

She's too young for him.

Who's too young? Oh, I waste time
talking about her. And for the life of

don't see what he sees in a 23 -year
-old young blonde strip -seizer. What's

her? All she has is a...

Ruben's

gone with the blonde? I told him. I
said, Ruben, you're ruining your life.

incessant midnight champagne stuff.
Champagne?

I pleaded with him. I said, Rupert, a
man your age, you can't turn your home

into a nightclub. Excuse me, please. I'd
like to buy a ticket.

Oh, shut up and wait.

I'm in my house? Yes, and every night
they have these... Well, I'd like to

you more, but I've run out of money.

Don't miss the newsreel.

Hurry. Just do what I tell you. I'm used
to these things. Let me see everything.

Oh, champagne here. Good. Oh, Rocco.

The minute Emma drives up on the cab,
you let me know. And Sherry, honey, I'm

depending upon you. Give me a
performance.

Make believe you're nuts about the guy.
The minute she walks through, make her

look like the real thing. You
understand?

Take it easy, Bilko. I did four shows
today. I'm pooped.

Brady, are you sure she'll be here?
She'll be here. You'd be surprised how

desirable a husband becomes the minute
the wife finds out he's got another

in the picture. It's hard to detach. You
pull it out. This is it. Get set.

Oh, boy. I don't know how to thank you.
Emma's coming back to me. Oh, thank me.

You know I'm a firm believer in the
sanctity of the home. Here's what you

Put your arm up.

No, no, this way. It looks more... Ah,
ah, that's it. Now, give me a look in

your eye. A look in your eye, like you
mean it.

Cleans him. Whatever happens, you clean
him. Now, hold... Something, mister.

Champagne. Here.

Now, hold this there.

Gave it. Laugh. Laugh it up. Ha, ha, ha,
ha. Out, out, out.

Dad's here.

Emma, you're back. Sure, and I got a
present for you here.

What's this? A subpoena.

Oh, please.

I love you.

Save it for the judge. We'll see how
much money you'll have to spend on

peroxide.

Stephanie's divorce.

I got a reputation to think of.

I lost Emma forever.

I knew it. I knew it.

It's your fault. It's your fault.

What's this? It's a Peter.

No, they don't. They don't. I'll fight
this in the highest court in the land.

What does it say, Ernie? It says he's
got to be in the judge's chamber at 11 o

'clock tomorrow morning.

Here's what you do. Oh, no, I can't do
anything. I'm scared of judges. Oh, it's

simple. You just tell the judge you love
Emma and you want her back.

No, I lost her forever.

Our love is in the ash can.

I guess you fixed them real good. No,
no, no. She ain't getting away with

I'm going to remind Emma that she
promised to love, honor, and obey in

and in health.

Ritzik is sick?

He married Emma, didn't he?

Ritzik versus Ritzik.

Sounds like Graziano versus Dale.

Rupert Ritzig.

He's an hour early.

Probably can't wait to get rid of his
wife.

Send him in.

I really want to tell this man what I
think of him.

Where is my loved one? How have you
reached Mr. Ritsik where you can do her

harm? She's not here. My darling angel
is not here.

Darling angel, if I have my say, you
will never see your darling angel again.

Never live without my loved ones?

Then there's only one way out for me.
I'm going to jump.

You don't know it. You don't know, Your
Honor, the lonesomeness, the torture.

Life without Emma, I'd rather not live.

I would all be... Now,

according to this statement... Your wife
is the injured party, not you.

Statement? That's right. I have it here
before me in black and white, a complete

record of your abuses.

I never heard of such cruelty.

I must admit, Your Honor, I was cruel. I
used to make her get out of bed every

afternoon at one o 'clock.

She slept until one o 'clock in the
afternoon?

Oh, you would, too, Your Honor, if you
were up all night gambling. You don't

know the strain of it.

Betting, dealing.

Your wife gambled every night? When
there was no bingo game in town.

You mean she went out every night to
gamble?

Oh, I must be.

Not every night.

Just two nights a week.

The other five nights, the game was at
our house.

She didn't mind for myself.

It was just...

Just that I did so want to keep it from
the children.

Children? She doesn't mention anything
about children in here. Well, she had

some silly obsession. She thought having
the children made her look older. And

they're such fine boys, Your Honor. The
minute I heard about this mess, they

came right home from college to be by my
side.

Oh, they're here?

Oh, yes, and I want you to meet them,
Your Honor. Rosie!

Shepard! Yes, Dad?

Welcome here.

This is my boy, Your Honor. This is
Brucie. He's going to Yale. He's

be a doctor.

This is Shepard. He's going to Harvard
Law School.

He wants to be a judge like you, Your
Honor.

They look a little old for college.

Well, have you ever heard the bad news?

They age ten years overnight, Your
Honor.

Between you and mother? You certainly
kept the promise. I had to, but heaven

knows I tried, boys. I tried.

You've been a brick about it, Dad.

I'll have to be both mother and father
to you. No, no, you won't, Mr. Ritzig. I

won't. Before I met you and your boys, I
had made up my mind and was prepared to

give your wife her freedom. But now I
see this case in an entirely different

light. Do you hear that, boys?

The nice judge is sending our mommy back
to us. They cheer for the judge.

Hooray!

Mr. Ritzig, your wife is going to be
home tonight.

Tonight? Now, my advice to you is simply
this.

Mutual respect is the foundation for any
marriage.

The judge is right. Listen to him. A
little politeness, a little affection.

A long way.

I tried.

I tried. You remember that to see if you
and Mrs. Ritzy can't make a fresh

start, eh? Yes. I'll try, Your Honor.
I'll try. And I'm going to tell the same

thing to your wife.

No,

no. If you do, Your Honor.

Don't tell her about the gambling or the
children. She's so sensitive about

that. Yes, I understand.

Thank you, Your Honor. Come, boys. We're
a family again. We're a thing of

togetherness.

Here's your coffee, Rupert. Oh, thank
you, dear.

Don't mention it, Rupert. Nevertheless,
I'm grateful.

Thank you. It's all right.

Isn't it nice to behave like the judge
said, with politeness and respect?

Yeah, great.

Rupert, do you think...

Oh, I beg your pardon. I'm sorry. You
were saying?

Was there anything on television that
you'd care to watch?

Oh, I thought you wanted to see the
fight tonight, dear.

Well, nevertheless, I'm willing to
forego that pleasure if you have one of

favorite programs on.

Not at all.

I'll get it. No, let me. Well, if we're
going to have company, I'd better go in

and fix up a little. Yes, do that, dear.

Oh, hello, Bilko. Hiya, Robert. Just
checking. How's everything going?

Nice and calm.

Con? Yeah, like a funeral.

It's working out all right, isn't it?
Yeah, but it's dull.

She agrees with me. I agree with her.

It's not us. The magic is gone.

The magic?

Well, how's Emma taking it?

She's bored, I'm bored. We're like two
strangers in a house.

I think I know what to do. You just
leave it to me. Well, hello, Mrs.

Good evening, Sergeant Bilko. Won't you
stay for a cup of coffee? Oh, thank you

very much. I just came by to pick up
Rupert. We're going to have a little

game with the rest of the boys tonight.

What? Oh, don't worry. He can only lose
$50 or $60.

Nothing doing, Bilko. Do you hear that,
Rupert? Nothing doing. You're going to

let her run your life, Rupert?

What's the matter? If I go play some
cards with the boys?

Over my dead body.

Don't tempt me, Emma. Don't tempt me.

The

magic

is back.

Have fun, kids.

Also seen in tonight's show were Joe E.
Ross as Sergeant Ritzy, Paul Lipson as

Patsy, Parker Fenley as Mr. McGregor,
Bert Thorne as Mr. Forbes, Ben Lackland

Horatio Flink, and Beatrice Ponds as
Mrs. Ritzig.