All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s03e20 Cyrano De Bilko

Yeah!

Yeah!

It's a dance. Your fans are waiting for
that toe -tapping music. Give it the old

beat. One, two... Look, Bilko, we don't
play unless we get paid in advance.

What? I completely forgot. Rocco, give
me a blank check. Ah, never mind the

phony checks, Bilko. That's the way you
paid us the last three times.

We pay cash.

Cash? If I wanted to pay cash, I'd have
gotten Lawrence Welk.

Don't forget the music. Don't be hasty.
Wait.

This is the last time you'll play for
the army.

Petrillo is a personal friend of mine,
and I'll...

have an important announcement to make.

Unfortunately, the orchestra will be
unable to play tonight.

I did this for your protection.

I found out that the trumpet player has
a severe cold and I didn't want him

blowing his germs into the ballroom.

Folks,

I have a grand surprise for you. Dance
and enjoy yourselves with the music of

Clive Zillman and his Caucasian.

Take half of his night buffet. I got 200
boxes of K -Rations. Good. Now here's

what I'll do, Sarge. Please, Harold,
there'll be no refunds. Look at the

printing and back your ticket. No
refunds. I've got to speak to you,

Look, I'm trying to run a dance. When
you bought that ticket, it was like a

contest. But I don't want my money back,
Sarge.

You don't? What do you want?

There's a beautiful girl here that I'd
like to dance with.

Well, ask her to dance.

But I don't know her. A difference would
make that what this dance is for. I'd

get a crate to go over there and that.

Very simple, Harold. Just go over there
and say, I beg your pardon, miss. May I

have the pleasure of this dance?

I beg your pardon, Miss. Not me. Ask
her.

I beg your pardon, Miss. May I have the
pleasure of this dance?

I beg your pardon, Miss. May I have the
pleasure of this dance?

Come on. We're operating moment.

Oh,

get those balloons. Hang them on our
order. Right over there. Get them on. I

didn't get to dance with them.

Well, there's a million girls here. Ask
somebody else. But I don't want to dance

with anyone. But what about the drawing
for the door prize?

The color television set.

Oh, yes.

There'll be the drawing for the color
television set.

We don't have a color television set.
Who needs it? All right.

We're going to have the drawing for the
color television set by some

disinterested, impartial observer. Oh, I
know you. You could... You, sir, would

you draw?

Blended. All right, let me see.

The winning number...

It's 4 -3 -7 -1.

Well, he's not here. We'll draw again
next week.

I got it. I got it. Oh, Dad?

Just a minute. Oh, I believe this is a
laundry slip. You sold it to me.

Let's see if it matches. 4 -3 -7 -1 by
George. This is the winner.

That's not great.

Where's my television set?

Well, let me tell you about that.

Unfortunately... Thanks, folks.

Thanks.

Unfortunately, the delivery man dropped
it. What?

Oh, don't worry about it. We're going to
do the fair thing. Now, how much did

you pay for this ticket? A dollar and a
quarter. A dollar and a quarter.

Well, there's no reason to cost that. We
had an accident that you should suffer.

Now, here's a dollar and a quarter back.

Oh, wait a minute.

Dan, Dan.

What is it? Sorry. Will you leave me
alone? You've been bothering me all

evening. Go away.

All right, come on. Work, work.

Get this gig ready. The Colonel wants it
right away.

This Jeep is in an awful mess. Who had
it out last night? You did, Ernie.

Get the hairpins off the back seat.
Move, move. Quick, quick.

Excuse me, Harold. Are you in business
for yourself?

Come on, look alive.

Hey, if that dance was too much for you
last night, you need some sleep. Get

under the truck with the rest of the
fellas.

Oh, it ain't that, Sarge. I went to bed
early.

Was there trouble at home?

No, Sarge.

Okay, who is she?

Natalie Rumpelmeyer. A girl I saw at the
dance last night. What's the trouble?

Won't she make a date with you? A date?

I didn't even have the nerve to talk to
her.

Remember one thing. You're a soldier.
And what's more, a soldier of my

Look around you. Look at these men.

The ball brummel of Fort Baxter.

Look on these men's minds.

If they don't get their face slapped
once a day, they haven't filled their

quota. Figure that. All right, boys.
Give them the call of Company B.

You hear that?

She's got to make a date with you. Oh,
you're right, Sarge. I've been a sad

long enough. Right. Hello? I want
Roseville, 8357.

Attaboy, tiger.

Hello? Natalie?

Hello, Natalie Rumpelmeyer. This is
Harold Westrom. Will you keep me? Have

met? Only in my dreams.

Natalie, may I say you looked lovely at
the dance last night in your... What was

she wearing? A red dress. You looked
lovely in that gorgeous crimson gown.

How I wanted that last waltz with you.
But why didn't I ask? Well, how does a

soldier ask a goddess to dance? I was
breathless, I tell you. Breathless?

Oh, dear, Natalie, I'm afraid I've taken
enough of your time.

The thought of asking you for a date and
us two dining alone is just too much to

hope for. And so I thank you for...

What's that?

You will.

She will?

Oh, that's splendid.

We'll say at seven tonight?

Oh, splendid.

Until then, aloha.

I did it! I did it!

In eight hours, I've got a date with
her. I'd better start getting ready.

Glad you handled that phone like a
violin.

This, this was an open phone. You should
catch me in a phone booth. I give a

country.

This is fun, standing around shouting.

Come on, Rupert. Take

that ball. You'll win the game in 20
bucks. All right, let's have it quiet.

There's a man shooting.

Quiet!

Stop making him nervous. I'm trying to
help him. Go on, shoot.

Now relax.

Don't let the stakes bother you.

I knew it. I knew it. It was his fault.

Take us something to say to make him
nice. Don't worry, I got something.

me, you left your toothpick there. Thank
you very much. Would you back away,

gentlemen, to watch a pro operate?

Fire!

Fire? Where?

You and your fire, we blew 20 bucks
again. Gentlemen, I have an announcement

make. There'll be a party at the PX,
courtesy of Rupert Ritchie.

Hey,

look who's here, lover boy. What do you
say?

Hi, Harold. How was the date with
Natalie?

I'd rather not talk about it, Sarge. She
turned out to be a dud, huh? No, she

was wonderful.

It was me.

Ah, it's your first date. Next date
you'll make a better impression.

There won't be any next date. She told
me she'd be busy for the rest of the

year. But thanks for trying to help me,
Sarge.

He shouldn't have joined the Army. He
should have joined the Foreign Legion.

I don't know how he felt about it. I
guarantee you should go for him in a

minute. Trouble is, he fumbles so. He's
a fumpher.

Get me some stationery, quick. I'm going
to write a letter. A letter? Yes. He

doesn't know it yet, but he's going to
write a love letter. It'll go down in

history. Let me see now.

Hanchper down. My dear Natalie.

No, no, scratch that. Say, my darling
Natalie.

When I saw you at the dance, I was so
overcome with emotion that I... Hold it.

Hold it a minute.

Harold's tears.

If I could speak, I would tell you that
your hair is like golden leaves rippling

in the breeze.

Your eyes are like limpid pools
reflecting the moonlight.

Alas. I cannot lay these things, so I
must say farewell, sweet Natalie.

I will love you forever.

Yours, Harold.

And it's tear -stained.

Hello? Yes, this is Natalie Rumpelmeyer.

No, the Natalie Rumpelmeyer you wanted
is my aunt. This is her niece.

Yes, I'll tell her.

Oh, who is that, Natalie? That's the
dress shop. They want you to come in for

fitting tomorrow.

Oh. I don't think I need another new
dress. I'm not the type that men look

Oh, don't worry, Aunt Natalie. Someday
you'll come along. Just you wait.

Yeah.

Well, I didn't have to wait long, did I?

We've got a date tonight.

Hi,

Roger. Hi, Dolphy. Here I am. The lady
called tonight.

We're going to have a time tonight. I
brought over Marek.

Wait till you hear the new one.

Bebop baby from Boston.

Starts off with a couple of licks like
this.

If I could speak, I would tell you that
your hair is like golden wheat rippling

in the breeze.

And on the flip side of the record, it's
a real sender. Rock and ship, rock and

roll.

What?

Farewell, sweet Natalie.

I will love you forever.

Come on, Natalie, get with it.

Roger. Look, I don't feel up to anything
tonight. I'd like to listen to records

some other time, okay?

But they'll be over by next week, doll.

But I want to go to bed early and I've
got a very important letter that I want

to answer.

Well, whatever you say, pet, but don't
wait too long.

Someone might pick me off.

news. You told me the good news ten
times.

You got a letter from Natalie and you
were out with her tonight. But, Sarge,

we're engaged.

All right, you're engaged. Go on, get
some sleep.

Like Natalie said, we were meant for
each other. Natalie said that? Yeah, and

told her, tomorrow I'm drawing out all
my savings to buy her the biggest

engagement ring I can find. Tomorrow?

Yeah. Oh, gee.

If you hadn't made that phone call.

All right, go on, get some sleep. How do
you... This way, this way.

Harold's engaged to the girl of his
dreams. I don't know. It's all too fast.

Yeah, they're practically strangers, and
they're engaged.

Well, you think there's something wrong?
I don't know. She may be a very nice

girl, but this is my responsibility. I
got him into this. I better look into

this Miss Natalie.

She may be one of those claws. You know,
give me, give me him. Go on, get to it.

This is our address, Ernie. Okay.

You think we're doing the right thing,
Sarge? Look, when a guy like Harold

in love, he's hopeless.

Now, it'll only take a few seconds. I'll
find out if this dame is on the level

or not. You got the petition? Right
here. Here it is. House looks all right.

Look, don't judge a book by its cover,
pal. Oh. Yes?

Oh, I beg your pardon, madam. I was
looking for Miss Natalie Rumpelmeyer.

well, I'm Natalie Rumpelmeyer. What can
I do for you?

You're Natalie Rumpelmeyer?

Uh -huh.

And I'm after her?

Well, listen, let me... Oh, we're just
getting some names on a petition for a

swimming pool for servicemen, but
there's no use troubling you with your

housework. No, I'd love to sign it. I'm
very fond of servicemen. Yeah, I'll bet

you are.

Thank you very much.

I hope you get your pool.

Well, if we do, we'll make a cabana
after you.

Yes. Miss Rumpelmeyer, thank you.

Well, will you listen to me for an hour?
Sarge, I don't get it. She's old enough

to be his mother. Yeah, but young enough
to spend his allotment.

Do you really think that's why she's
marrying him? Get a look at this layout.

She's probably been living off
servicemen since 1917.

Well, what are we going to do about it?

First thing we do is get back to camp
and talk some sense into that Harold.

Hey, I'm late. I'm going to give Natalie
the ring tonight.

Hey, Sarge, you're just in time. We've
got the engagement ring.

I'll say we're just in time. Look at it,
Sarge. Only $400.

Boy, when he goes, he goes, huh?

Look, kid, I want to talk to you. Oh, I
haven't got time. I've got to see

Natalie. That's what I want to talk to
you about. I just saw Natalie.

Oh, you did, Sarge?

Isn't she beautiful?

Now, look, Natalie is not for you.

What are you talking about?

Well, first, she's too old for you.
Second, all she's after is your dough.

Now, take it easy, Sarge. You're talking
about the girl of my dreams.

Well, wake up. The girl of your dreams
is a lemon.

Nobody talks that way about nothing.

Steady, boy.

All right, all right. I'm sorry, kid. If
you love her, it's your business and

that's all. Let him go.

I'm sorry, kid. I'm sorry I took a swing
at you, Sarge, but...

You know how I feel about Natalie. Well,
now I know, yes. Well, I've got to run.

I want to give Natalie her engagement
ring tonight. Oh, tonight? Oh, Don.

the matter? I just remembered you drew
guard duty tonight, all night.

Guard duty tonight? Well, what is it?
It's just one night after all. Absence

makes the heart grow fonder.

Go to your post, Harold. After all, we
must do our work, too. Love can wait.

Look, I don't get it, Ernie. First you
tell him it's okay about him and

Then you put him on guard duty so he
can't see it. You know the old adage?

While the cat's away, the mouse will
play.

And I have a huntsman's mouse called
Natalie.

She'll play.

Then you're going to set a trap?

Yeah. Oh, she's after his dough.

Anybody's dough.

Now, I'll need some capital.

Freeze. Freeze.

Freeze.

I'm asking for contributions to the Stop
Natalie Fund.

Come on, you may be the next victim.
Give, give.

Here we go again. We all got to stick
together to stop the Natalies of the

world. Jim!

And for the maker?

Oh, anything under glass.

I love surprises.

You know, Sergeant, you could have
knocked me over with a feather when you

called up and asked me out tonight.

Oh, I know it was terribly forward of
me, but the moment you signed that

petition, I couldn't get you out of my
mind, Natalie.

Oh, I may call you Natalie, may I?

Oh, of course you may. You call me
Ernie?

Ernie. Oh, my gosh.

Miss, do you have any imported orchids,
please?

I'm sorry, I just have gardenias. Oh,
Don, whenever you mind, Natalie. From

on, you'll be wearing nothing but
orchids.

That'll be one dollar, sir. Oh, yes, of
course.

Oh, here you are, Miss.

Here you are, Jane.

Five dollars.

Well, you certainly are free with your
money, Ernie. That does interest you,

doesn't it? Oh, like I said to Dad many
times. I said, Dad, you make it and I'll

spend it. Somebody else.

Let's talk about you, Natalie.

Oh, there I go again.

Oh,

don't tell me you are in the ballet
route to dance the violin.

night. It's been so exciting. A
different place than dining, dancing,

Oh, I guess I have been rather selfish
keeping you all to myself. Not giving

time to see anybody else. Ernie, there
isn't anybody else. Oh, come on, fess

There must be a teeny -weeny little
somebody else.

There isn't a nitty -bitty anybody else.

Oh, there is.

Never mind, my dear. Lita. Lita.
Miguelito.

Miguelito. Yes, sir?

More music.

We're dancing the night away. Thank you.

All she keeps saying is, Oh, my name.

Oh, my name.

And has Natalie never even mentioned
Harold? Just as if he never existed. All

she's interested in is Dad's millions.
How many more millions has Dad got?

Thirteen bucks. That's why I'm winding
it up tonight.

Natalie ready?

Ready. Frankly, I think she's a little
ahead of me.

Poor Harold.

What's with this poor Harold? What I'm
doing is for his benefit.

Tonight he's going to find out what kind
of a girl Natalie really is.

Where is he now? K .P. Good.

Release him in an hour. He'll make a
beeline right for Natalie's house. And

there he will find a little surprise
waiting for him. Oh, give me a little of

that right here.

She's somewhat of a near middle at this
point.

We'll have to change my stationery,
Ernie. Oh, I wouldn't rush and do too

changes right away.

I hope you don't believe in long
engagements, Ernie. Don't worry,

have an idea. This engagement won't be
too long.

I'm dying to tell my family.

Oh, Natalie, there's somebody I must
tell first.

Well, you're the boss.

Anything you say, Ernie.

Natalie!

Natalie! Harold! What are you doing
here, Sarge? Harold, remember, this was

for your own good. Bear that in mind.

Tell him, dearie.

Harold, Sergeant Bilko and I are
engaged.

Engaged? Sarge! 20 years. If you hit a
man with glasses, you get 20 years.

That's good news, Sarge.
Congratulations.

Look, I don't think you heard her
clearly.

You see, Natalie and I are engaged to be
married. Harold, where have you been?

Hiya, Natalie.

Natalie? My name is...

Natalie? My aunt.

This is your uncle Ernie.

Uncle Ernie?

Uncle Ernie.

Uncle Ernie. Get out of there, Ernie.
Leave me alone.

Some people cry at weddings. I cry at
engagements.

Oh, Ernie, it's not your fault. How are
you supposed to know there were two

Natalies? Oh, that's... You tell that to
the judge when he marries us.

Married? Dealing with a desperate man.

What are you doing?

I'm just going to hark it so I can get
out of town.

I'm still in the army.

You better do something fast. Harold
says she's making all sorts of wedding

plans. There's nothing to it. I'll have
to tell her. I'll tell her the

engagement was off. She's a nice girl. I
hate to hurt her feelings, but I'm

going to tell her. Yeah, but when are
you going to tell her to her? Tonight.

Harold and I got a double date.

Double date?

want to hurt your feelings, but I've got
to tell you this. Now, listen. Frankly,

I've... What is this? This is our
engagement party, Ernie.

Are you surprised?

Yes, I'm getting nothing but surprises
today. Well, Bilko, Colonel Hall.

Congratulations, Bilko.

I've known your fiancé for years.

Frankly, I was surprised at your choice.

Yeah, I'm a little surprised, too.

I was expecting you to pick some mighty
young thing. Frankly, sir, I expected

it, too.

But instead of that, you picked a fine,
sensible woman. Now, Colonel Paul! Oh,

John, isn't it fun? Now we can have the
Bilko's over the bridge real soon.

Congratulations, Sergeant Bilko!

I want you to meet some of my friends.
Oh, well, look, Natalie, there's

something I... Now, later.

And, Natalie, if I could just... Ernie,
this is Mr.

and Mrs.

Hollister. We went to school together.
Oh, that's nice.

Delighted. Yes, well, look, Natalie...
Now, Ernie, Ernie, dear, this is Police

Chief Erickson. You've seen him around.

How do you do? I've always wanted to
meet a policeman socially.

Ernie, Ernie, dear, I have to look after
the punch, dear.

Uh, Bilko, I want to talk to you.

I just want to tell you that I've known
Natalie Rumpelmeyer for 20 years.

And I don't know a woman in Roseville
who I respect or admire more. That's

of you to say that about me. I'm telling
you this because I want you to know

that if I ever hear of anybody ever
doing anything to hurt that little woman

cause her pain, I take this badge off
and forget that I was an officer in

of keeping peace.

The drinks are all ready.

Now, what was it you had to say to me?

Me?

Yes, you said you had something very
important to say.

Frankly, I had such an interesting
conversation with the chief, he knocked

right out of my mind.

Here comes the bride.

Please, have fun.

My marriage can't be all bad.

Why don't you shut up? Why don't you
think of a way to get me out of this?

Think, think, think.

Look who I'm asking.

Hey, Sarge.

If you can take a soldier to the Navy, I
can get on a submarine, maybe.

Hey, Sarge, can you fix the traffic
tickets?

I hear some of these submarines stay
under the water for six months.

Of all things, the tickets for
jaywalking. Look, I got my own problems.

you leave me alone?

Why don't I... But, Sarge, I'm not the
only one. The chief of police has been

handing out tickets like they were
samples.

And the funny thing, he only hands them
to soldiers.

Soldiers? How long has this been going
on? For the past two days.

Well, that's your problem. Look.

Two days.

Don't you get it? I don't get it. That's
when the engagement was first

announced. Two days ago, right? See if
you get this. If you were chief of

and a soldier stole the woman you love,
would you care about soldiers much?

No. Would you?

Neither does he. Wait a minute.

I don't get it. If the chief of police
is in love with Aunt Natalie, why don't

he tell her so? Because he doesn't know
it yet.

This. This ticket tells the story.

You mean you're going to fix the ticket,
Sarge? No, dear boy, but I'm going to

fix the Satan chief of police. Hey, you
still got that diary you got for

Christmas? Yeah. Is it blank? Sure. What
have I got to put in it?

and that's how it'll make it sizzle in
you.

You dove him and you showed me the way.
You deserve a kiss with this.

Rocco, kiss him.

There you are, you boulder. What a good
notion of thrashing with an image of

your life.

What do you mean by bursting in here
like this, Bill? Oh, play innocent with

you can.

Trifling with the heart of the woman I
love and I have the proof.

What are you talking about? My beloved's
diary, or as they will call it in

court, Exhibit A.

Diary? Are you crazy, Bilko? Yes, dear
sweet Natalie doesn't know I have this

diary. And oh, what a story it tells.
What are you talking about? What am I

talking about?

All right, perhaps you'd like to hear
this.

April 22nd.

Dear diary, I saw Police Chief Erickson
walk by the house again today.

How handsome he looks in his uniform.

That's the tenth time he walked by this
week.

I suppose you're going to tell me that
was your beat?

I am chief of police. I don't walk a
beat. Well, sir, perhaps you can explain

this. And don't think this is... Here it
is. May 5th.

Today... He blew his whistle at me.

How about that?

Vilco, I blow my whistle at a lot of
people. Do you indeed?

It may be a whistle to you, but to poor
Natalie, it was a love call.

Perhaps you'll explain this, sir.

May 10th.

Today, he stopped traffic so I could
cross the street.

Maybe he loves me.

As much as I love him.

You got so excited when you saw how you
stopped traffic. You couldn't wait for

the traffic light, eh?

I never knew Natalie felt like that. Oh,
didn't you? You didn't help her along,

I suppose, walking by her house,
stopping traffic, blowing your whistle.

Then I stood a chance all these years.
Too late! She's mine!

She's not yours, Belko, not until she
says I do.

You're going to fight for her like a
man, eh?

I certainly am. All is fair in love and
war.

Is it indeed?

Well, you have no chance, Flatfoot. You
wouldn't know how to tell Natalie the

things she likes to hear. You wouldn't
know enough to tell her that her lips

like wine, her eyes are like stars.

You don't know that orchid is her
favorite flower, do you?

You wouldn't even know enough to take
her dancing.

Oh, yeah?

You've got a fight on your hands, Bilko.
Oh, I'll see about that. And may the

best man win, you whistleblower.

one, but this is a double wedding.
Where's the other sign? I got it out of

car. Good. Now put this on the other
car. Okay.

Here they come. Here they come.

Here comes the bride.

Oh, the bride.

Darling, hurry up. You'll miss the
plane.

Oh, here we go.

Come on, Chief. You'll be late for your
own honeymoon.

Bilko, you're all right. I couldn't help
but admire... the way you took it when

Natalie said she was going to marry me
instead of you. Oh, it hurt, but I'll

over it.

Get on that plane and get her out of
here. Hey, Sarge, look. Look, she's

ready to throw the bouquet. Who cares
about bouquets? You got out of that with

us, Sarge. Oh, and never again I give
you my word. I swear I will... Wilco,

means you're going to be the next one to
get married.

Hey, Sarge!

Also seen in tonight's cast were Kay
Medford as Aunt Natalie, Lee

as Natalie Rumpelmeyer, Earl Rowe as
Private Harold Westrom, Norman McKay as

Police Chief Erickson, Joey Ross as
Sergeant Ritzik, Jimmy Little as

Grover, and Tim Herbert as Roger.