All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s03e20 Cyrano De Bilko

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,870 --> 00:00:03,270 Yeah! 2 00:00:08,230 --> 00:00:09,230 Yeah! 3 00:00:39,760 --> 00:00:42,400 It's a dance. Your fans are waiting for that toe -tapping music. Give it the old 4 00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:46,340 beat. One, two... Look, Bilko, we don't play unless we get paid in advance. 5 00:00:46,580 --> 00:00:50,820 What? I completely forgot. Rocco, give me a blank check. Ah, never mind the 6 00:00:50,820 --> 00:00:53,620 phony checks, Bilko. That's the way you paid us the last three times. 7 00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:55,020 We pay cash. 8 00:00:55,600 --> 00:00:58,680 Cash? If I wanted to pay cash, I'd have gotten Lawrence Welk. 9 00:01:00,200 --> 00:01:01,820 Don't forget the music. Don't be hasty. Wait. 10 00:01:02,140 --> 00:01:04,040 This is the last time you'll play for the army. 11 00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:06,480 Petrillo is a personal friend of mine, and I'll... 12 00:01:11,590 --> 00:01:12,970 have an important announcement to make. 13 00:01:13,490 --> 00:01:15,830 Unfortunately, the orchestra will be unable to play tonight. 14 00:01:16,490 --> 00:01:19,630 I did this for your protection. 15 00:01:19,930 --> 00:01:22,930 I found out that the trumpet player has a severe cold and I didn't want him 16 00:01:22,930 --> 00:01:24,610 blowing his germs into the ballroom. 17 00:01:26,170 --> 00:01:27,170 Folks, 18 00:01:27,830 --> 00:01:31,210 I have a grand surprise for you. Dance and enjoy yourselves with the music of 19 00:01:31,210 --> 00:01:32,930 Clive Zillman and his Caucasian. 20 00:01:36,360 --> 00:01:39,960 Take half of his night buffet. I got 200 boxes of K -Rations. Good. Now here's 21 00:01:39,960 --> 00:01:42,400 what I'll do, Sarge. Please, Harold, there'll be no refunds. Look at the 22 00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:45,180 printing and back your ticket. No refunds. I've got to speak to you, 23 00:01:45,300 --> 00:01:48,440 Look, I'm trying to run a dance. When you bought that ticket, it was like a 24 00:01:48,440 --> 00:01:50,680 contest. But I don't want my money back, Sarge. 25 00:01:51,380 --> 00:01:52,660 You don't? What do you want? 26 00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:55,560 There's a beautiful girl here that I'd like to dance with. 27 00:01:55,940 --> 00:01:56,940 Well, ask her to dance. 28 00:01:57,060 --> 00:02:00,100 But I don't know her. A difference would make that what this dance is for. I'd 29 00:02:00,100 --> 00:02:01,140 get a crate to go over there and that. 30 00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:04,820 Very simple, Harold. Just go over there and say, I beg your pardon, miss. May I 31 00:02:04,820 --> 00:02:05,820 have the pleasure of this dance? 32 00:02:06,280 --> 00:02:08,580 I beg your pardon, Miss. Not me. Ask her. 33 00:02:10,120 --> 00:02:14,000 I beg your pardon, Miss. May I have the pleasure of this dance? 34 00:02:19,900 --> 00:02:22,480 I beg your pardon, Miss. May I have the pleasure of this dance? 35 00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:29,160 Come on. We're operating moment. 36 00:02:29,380 --> 00:02:30,380 Oh, 37 00:02:30,540 --> 00:02:34,000 get those balloons. Hang them on our order. Right over there. Get them on. I 38 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:35,140 didn't get to dance with them. 39 00:02:35,660 --> 00:02:38,440 Well, there's a million girls here. Ask somebody else. But I don't want to dance 40 00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:41,540 with anyone. But what about the drawing for the door prize? 41 00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:43,160 The color television set. 42 00:02:43,440 --> 00:02:44,359 Oh, yes. 43 00:02:44,360 --> 00:02:46,520 There'll be the drawing for the color television set. 44 00:02:46,920 --> 00:02:50,880 We don't have a color television set. Who needs it? All right. 45 00:02:52,220 --> 00:02:55,000 We're going to have the drawing for the color television set by some 46 00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:59,120 disinterested, impartial observer. Oh, I know you. You could... You, sir, would 47 00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:00,120 you draw? 48 00:03:01,220 --> 00:03:02,660 Blended. All right, let me see. 49 00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:04,080 The winning number... 50 00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:06,280 It's 4 -3 -7 -1. 51 00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:08,760 Well, he's not here. We'll draw again next week. 52 00:03:10,240 --> 00:03:12,020 I got it. I got it. Oh, Dad? 53 00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:16,020 Just a minute. Oh, I believe this is a laundry slip. You sold it to me. 54 00:03:16,820 --> 00:03:20,380 Let's see if it matches. 4 -3 -7 -1 by George. This is the winner. 55 00:03:21,760 --> 00:03:22,760 That's not great. 56 00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:24,080 Where's my television set? 57 00:03:24,340 --> 00:03:25,340 Well, let me tell you about that. 58 00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:27,840 Unfortunately... Thanks, folks. 59 00:03:28,180 --> 00:03:29,180 Thanks. 60 00:03:30,380 --> 00:03:32,780 Unfortunately, the delivery man dropped it. What? 61 00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:35,860 Oh, don't worry about it. We're going to do the fair thing. Now, how much did 62 00:03:35,860 --> 00:03:38,080 you pay for this ticket? A dollar and a quarter. A dollar and a quarter. 63 00:03:38,700 --> 00:03:42,560 Well, there's no reason to cost that. We had an accident that you should suffer. 64 00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:44,060 Now, here's a dollar and a quarter back. 65 00:03:44,340 --> 00:03:45,340 Oh, wait a minute. 66 00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:46,400 Dan, Dan. 67 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:49,360 What is it? Sorry. Will you leave me alone? You've been bothering me all 68 00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:50,360 evening. Go away. 69 00:03:51,300 --> 00:03:53,880 All right, come on. Work, work. 70 00:03:54,100 --> 00:03:56,300 Get this gig ready. The Colonel wants it right away. 71 00:03:56,730 --> 00:03:59,870 This Jeep is in an awful mess. Who had it out last night? You did, Ernie. 72 00:04:00,850 --> 00:04:03,710 Get the hairpins off the back seat. Move, move. Quick, quick. 73 00:04:04,950 --> 00:04:06,690 Excuse me, Harold. Are you in business for yourself? 74 00:04:06,930 --> 00:04:07,930 Come on, look alive. 75 00:04:08,050 --> 00:04:11,230 Hey, if that dance was too much for you last night, you need some sleep. Get 76 00:04:11,230 --> 00:04:12,570 under the truck with the rest of the fellas. 77 00:04:12,830 --> 00:04:14,710 Oh, it ain't that, Sarge. I went to bed early. 78 00:04:15,330 --> 00:04:16,510 Was there trouble at home? 79 00:04:16,730 --> 00:04:17,730 No, Sarge. 80 00:04:17,950 --> 00:04:18,950 Okay, who is she? 81 00:04:20,140 --> 00:04:23,560 Natalie Rumpelmeyer. A girl I saw at the dance last night. What's the trouble? 82 00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:24,980 Won't she make a date with you? A date? 83 00:04:25,200 --> 00:04:26,980 I didn't even have the nerve to talk to her. 84 00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:30,440 Remember one thing. You're a soldier. And what's more, a soldier of my 85 00:04:30,860 --> 00:04:32,140 Look around you. Look at these men. 86 00:04:32,740 --> 00:04:34,500 The ball brummel of Fort Baxter. 87 00:04:35,140 --> 00:04:36,540 Look on these men's minds. 88 00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:39,340 If they don't get their face slapped once a day, they haven't filled their 89 00:04:39,340 --> 00:04:42,480 quota. Figure that. All right, boys. Give them the call of Company B. 90 00:04:43,340 --> 00:04:44,340 You hear that? 91 00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:49,360 She's got to make a date with you. Oh, you're right, Sarge. I've been a sad 92 00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:53,400 long enough. Right. Hello? I want Roseville, 8357. 93 00:04:54,580 --> 00:04:55,580 Attaboy, tiger. 94 00:04:55,940 --> 00:04:57,280 Hello? Natalie? 95 00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:05,460 Hello, Natalie Rumpelmeyer. This is Harold Westrom. Will you keep me? Have 96 00:05:05,460 --> 00:05:07,580 met? Only in my dreams. 97 00:05:08,100 --> 00:05:11,560 Natalie, may I say you looked lovely at the dance last night in your... What was 98 00:05:11,560 --> 00:05:14,520 she wearing? A red dress. You looked lovely in that gorgeous crimson gown. 99 00:05:16,140 --> 00:05:22,180 How I wanted that last waltz with you. But why didn't I ask? Well, how does a 100 00:05:22,180 --> 00:05:25,900 soldier ask a goddess to dance? I was breathless, I tell you. Breathless? 101 00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:30,340 Oh, dear, Natalie, I'm afraid I've taken enough of your time. 102 00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:35,120 The thought of asking you for a date and us two dining alone is just too much to 103 00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:36,880 hope for. And so I thank you for... 104 00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:38,320 What's that? 105 00:05:38,340 --> 00:05:39,340 You will. 106 00:05:39,380 --> 00:05:40,139 She will? 107 00:05:40,140 --> 00:05:41,940 Oh, that's splendid. 108 00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:43,580 We'll say at seven tonight? 109 00:05:43,900 --> 00:05:44,900 Oh, splendid. 110 00:05:44,940 --> 00:05:47,660 Until then, aloha. 111 00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:52,580 I did it! I did it! 112 00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:56,400 In eight hours, I've got a date with her. I'd better start getting ready. 113 00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:02,120 Glad you handled that phone like a violin. 114 00:06:02,580 --> 00:06:06,040 This, this was an open phone. You should catch me in a phone booth. I give a 115 00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:07,040 country. 116 00:06:10,090 --> 00:06:12,010 This is fun, standing around shouting. 117 00:06:13,130 --> 00:06:20,050 Come on, Rupert. Take 118 00:06:20,050 --> 00:06:22,750 that ball. You'll win the game in 20 bucks. All right, let's have it quiet. 119 00:06:22,810 --> 00:06:23,569 There's a man shooting. 120 00:06:23,570 --> 00:06:24,570 Quiet! 121 00:06:25,010 --> 00:06:28,250 Stop making him nervous. I'm trying to help him. Go on, shoot. 122 00:06:28,590 --> 00:06:29,369 Now relax. 123 00:06:29,370 --> 00:06:30,650 Don't let the stakes bother you. 124 00:06:30,950 --> 00:06:36,370 I knew it. I knew it. It was his fault. 125 00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:40,620 Take us something to say to make him nice. Don't worry, I got something. 126 00:06:40,620 --> 00:06:43,100 me, you left your toothpick there. Thank you very much. Would you back away, 127 00:06:43,180 --> 00:06:44,340 gentlemen, to watch a pro operate? 128 00:06:45,540 --> 00:06:46,540 Fire! 129 00:06:46,620 --> 00:06:47,620 Fire? Where? 130 00:06:48,300 --> 00:06:52,080 You and your fire, we blew 20 bucks again. Gentlemen, I have an announcement 131 00:06:52,080 --> 00:06:55,400 make. There'll be a party at the PX, courtesy of Rupert Ritchie. 132 00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:56,600 Hey, 133 00:06:57,020 --> 00:06:58,840 look who's here, lover boy. What do you say? 134 00:06:59,140 --> 00:07:00,660 Hi, Harold. How was the date with Natalie? 135 00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:04,940 I'd rather not talk about it, Sarge. She turned out to be a dud, huh? No, she 136 00:07:04,940 --> 00:07:05,940 was wonderful. 137 00:07:06,060 --> 00:07:07,060 It was me. 138 00:07:07,540 --> 00:07:10,320 Ah, it's your first date. Next date you'll make a better impression. 139 00:07:10,540 --> 00:07:13,820 There won't be any next date. She told me she'd be busy for the rest of the 140 00:07:13,820 --> 00:07:16,700 year. But thanks for trying to help me, Sarge. 141 00:07:18,340 --> 00:07:20,620 He shouldn't have joined the Army. He should have joined the Foreign Legion. 142 00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:24,000 I don't know how he felt about it. I guarantee you should go for him in a 143 00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:26,340 minute. Trouble is, he fumbles so. He's a fumpher. 144 00:07:27,480 --> 00:07:31,000 Get me some stationery, quick. I'm going to write a letter. A letter? Yes. He 145 00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:33,260 doesn't know it yet, but he's going to write a love letter. It'll go down in 146 00:07:33,260 --> 00:07:34,440 history. Let me see now. 147 00:07:36,090 --> 00:07:37,690 Hanchper down. My dear Natalie. 148 00:07:37,950 --> 00:07:41,030 No, no, scratch that. Say, my darling Natalie. 149 00:07:41,490 --> 00:07:47,130 When I saw you at the dance, I was so overcome with emotion that I... Hold it. 150 00:07:47,150 --> 00:07:48,150 Hold it a minute. 151 00:07:52,350 --> 00:07:53,350 Harold's tears. 152 00:07:56,010 --> 00:08:00,130 If I could speak, I would tell you that your hair is like golden leaves rippling 153 00:08:00,130 --> 00:08:00,989 in the breeze. 154 00:08:00,990 --> 00:08:04,130 Your eyes are like limpid pools reflecting the moonlight. 155 00:08:04,370 --> 00:08:09,030 Alas. I cannot lay these things, so I must say farewell, sweet Natalie. 156 00:08:09,290 --> 00:08:10,630 I will love you forever. 157 00:08:11,170 --> 00:08:12,170 Yours, Harold. 158 00:08:13,470 --> 00:08:15,070 And it's tear -stained. 159 00:08:18,550 --> 00:08:21,030 Hello? Yes, this is Natalie Rumpelmeyer. 160 00:08:22,370 --> 00:08:25,690 No, the Natalie Rumpelmeyer you wanted is my aunt. This is her niece. 161 00:08:26,810 --> 00:08:27,970 Yes, I'll tell her. 162 00:08:28,790 --> 00:08:32,030 Oh, who is that, Natalie? That's the dress shop. They want you to come in for 163 00:08:32,030 --> 00:08:32,709 fitting tomorrow. 164 00:08:32,710 --> 00:08:37,260 Oh. I don't think I need another new dress. I'm not the type that men look 165 00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:41,200 Oh, don't worry, Aunt Natalie. Someday you'll come along. Just you wait. 166 00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:42,480 Yeah. 167 00:08:43,140 --> 00:08:45,100 Well, I didn't have to wait long, did I? 168 00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:47,380 We've got a date tonight. 169 00:08:48,040 --> 00:08:49,040 Hi, 170 00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:53,820 Roger. Hi, Dolphy. Here I am. The lady called tonight. 171 00:08:54,420 --> 00:08:57,640 We're going to have a time tonight. I brought over Marek. 172 00:08:57,840 --> 00:08:58,960 Wait till you hear the new one. 173 00:08:59,340 --> 00:09:00,640 Bebop baby from Boston. 174 00:09:01,120 --> 00:09:02,680 Starts off with a couple of licks like this. 175 00:09:11,030 --> 00:09:15,670 If I could speak, I would tell you that your hair is like golden wheat rippling 176 00:09:15,670 --> 00:09:16,549 in the breeze. 177 00:09:16,550 --> 00:09:20,570 And on the flip side of the record, it's a real sender. Rock and ship, rock and 178 00:09:20,570 --> 00:09:21,570 roll. 179 00:09:23,550 --> 00:09:24,550 What? 180 00:09:25,590 --> 00:09:26,670 Farewell, sweet Natalie. 181 00:09:27,090 --> 00:09:28,390 I will love you forever. 182 00:09:28,790 --> 00:09:30,150 Come on, Natalie, get with it. 183 00:09:31,130 --> 00:09:34,530 Roger. Look, I don't feel up to anything tonight. I'd like to listen to records 184 00:09:34,530 --> 00:09:35,530 some other time, okay? 185 00:09:35,690 --> 00:09:37,610 But they'll be over by next week, doll. 186 00:09:37,870 --> 00:09:41,450 But I want to go to bed early and I've got a very important letter that I want 187 00:09:41,450 --> 00:09:42,349 to answer. 188 00:09:42,350 --> 00:09:45,510 Well, whatever you say, pet, but don't wait too long. 189 00:09:46,030 --> 00:09:47,490 Someone might pick me off. 190 00:10:24,590 --> 00:10:26,090 news. You told me the good news ten times. 191 00:10:26,470 --> 00:10:29,290 You got a letter from Natalie and you were out with her tonight. But, Sarge, 192 00:10:29,330 --> 00:10:30,229 we're engaged. 193 00:10:30,230 --> 00:10:32,250 All right, you're engaged. Go on, get some sleep. 194 00:10:34,350 --> 00:10:39,270 Like Natalie said, we were meant for each other. Natalie said that? Yeah, and 195 00:10:39,270 --> 00:10:43,510 told her, tomorrow I'm drawing out all my savings to buy her the biggest 196 00:10:43,510 --> 00:10:45,470 engagement ring I can find. Tomorrow? 197 00:10:45,790 --> 00:10:47,010 Yeah. Oh, gee. 198 00:10:47,410 --> 00:10:49,570 If you hadn't made that phone call. 199 00:10:49,850 --> 00:10:52,710 All right, go on, get some sleep. How do you... This way, this way. 200 00:10:54,670 --> 00:10:57,770 Harold's engaged to the girl of his dreams. I don't know. It's all too fast. 201 00:10:58,150 --> 00:11:00,290 Yeah, they're practically strangers, and they're engaged. 202 00:11:00,570 --> 00:11:02,990 Well, you think there's something wrong? I don't know. She may be a very nice 203 00:11:02,990 --> 00:11:05,730 girl, but this is my responsibility. I got him into this. I better look into 204 00:11:05,730 --> 00:11:06,730 this Miss Natalie. 205 00:11:06,890 --> 00:11:10,230 She may be one of those claws. You know, give me, give me him. Go on, get to it. 206 00:11:15,130 --> 00:11:16,650 This is our address, Ernie. Okay. 207 00:11:16,850 --> 00:11:19,490 You think we're doing the right thing, Sarge? Look, when a guy like Harold 208 00:11:19,490 --> 00:11:20,490 in love, he's hopeless. 209 00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:23,400 Now, it'll only take a few seconds. I'll find out if this dame is on the level 210 00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:25,800 or not. You got the petition? Right here. Here it is. House looks all right. 211 00:11:25,980 --> 00:11:28,320 Look, don't judge a book by its cover, pal. Oh. Yes? 212 00:11:28,760 --> 00:11:31,860 Oh, I beg your pardon, madam. I was looking for Miss Natalie Rumpelmeyer. 213 00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:34,680 well, I'm Natalie Rumpelmeyer. What can I do for you? 214 00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:36,800 You're Natalie Rumpelmeyer? 215 00:11:37,020 --> 00:11:37,819 Uh -huh. 216 00:11:37,820 --> 00:11:38,840 And I'm after her? 217 00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:42,500 Well, listen, let me... Oh, we're just getting some names on a petition for a 218 00:11:42,500 --> 00:11:45,060 swimming pool for servicemen, but there's no use troubling you with your 219 00:11:45,060 --> 00:11:49,260 housework. No, I'd love to sign it. I'm very fond of servicemen. Yeah, I'll bet 220 00:11:49,260 --> 00:11:50,260 you are. 221 00:11:50,469 --> 00:11:51,469 Thank you very much. 222 00:11:52,210 --> 00:11:53,590 I hope you get your pool. 223 00:11:53,990 --> 00:11:55,810 Well, if we do, we'll make a cabana after you. 224 00:11:56,850 --> 00:11:59,130 Yes. Miss Rumpelmeyer, thank you. 225 00:11:59,970 --> 00:12:02,730 Well, will you listen to me for an hour? Sarge, I don't get it. She's old enough 226 00:12:02,730 --> 00:12:04,990 to be his mother. Yeah, but young enough to spend his allotment. 227 00:12:05,210 --> 00:12:07,850 Do you really think that's why she's marrying him? Get a look at this layout. 228 00:12:07,990 --> 00:12:10,010 She's probably been living off servicemen since 1917. 229 00:12:10,770 --> 00:12:11,810 Well, what are we going to do about it? 230 00:12:12,010 --> 00:12:14,570 First thing we do is get back to camp and talk some sense into that Harold. 231 00:12:19,560 --> 00:12:21,940 Hey, I'm late. I'm going to give Natalie the ring tonight. 232 00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:24,820 Hey, Sarge, you're just in time. We've got the engagement ring. 233 00:12:25,040 --> 00:12:28,020 I'll say we're just in time. Look at it, Sarge. Only $400. 234 00:12:28,580 --> 00:12:30,860 Boy, when he goes, he goes, huh? 235 00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:34,480 Look, kid, I want to talk to you. Oh, I haven't got time. I've got to see 236 00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:37,420 Natalie. That's what I want to talk to you about. I just saw Natalie. 237 00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:38,640 Oh, you did, Sarge? 238 00:12:38,900 --> 00:12:40,000 Isn't she beautiful? 239 00:12:40,420 --> 00:12:42,160 Now, look, Natalie is not for you. 240 00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:43,760 What are you talking about? 241 00:12:44,060 --> 00:12:47,440 Well, first, she's too old for you. Second, all she's after is your dough. 242 00:12:48,080 --> 00:12:51,580 Now, take it easy, Sarge. You're talking about the girl of my dreams. 243 00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:54,300 Well, wake up. The girl of your dreams is a lemon. 244 00:12:54,980 --> 00:12:56,960 Nobody talks that way about nothing. 245 00:12:57,260 --> 00:12:58,219 Steady, boy. 246 00:12:58,220 --> 00:13:02,820 All right, all right. I'm sorry, kid. If you love her, it's your business and 247 00:13:02,820 --> 00:13:03,820 that's all. Let him go. 248 00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:07,300 I'm sorry, kid. I'm sorry I took a swing at you, Sarge, but... 249 00:13:07,550 --> 00:13:12,010 You know how I feel about Natalie. Well, now I know, yes. Well, I've got to run. 250 00:13:12,150 --> 00:13:16,690 I want to give Natalie her engagement ring tonight. Oh, tonight? Oh, Don. 251 00:13:16,690 --> 00:13:20,310 the matter? I just remembered you drew guard duty tonight, all night. 252 00:13:20,690 --> 00:13:24,390 Guard duty tonight? Well, what is it? It's just one night after all. Absence 253 00:13:24,390 --> 00:13:25,610 makes the heart grow fonder. 254 00:13:26,450 --> 00:13:30,010 Go to your post, Harold. After all, we must do our work, too. Love can wait. 255 00:13:32,460 --> 00:13:35,320 Look, I don't get it, Ernie. First you tell him it's okay about him and 256 00:13:35,360 --> 00:13:38,240 Then you put him on guard duty so he can't see it. You know the old adage? 257 00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:40,020 While the cat's away, the mouse will play. 258 00:13:40,240 --> 00:13:42,060 And I have a huntsman's mouse called Natalie. 259 00:13:42,380 --> 00:13:43,339 She'll play. 260 00:13:43,340 --> 00:13:44,340 Then you're going to set a trap? 261 00:13:44,620 --> 00:13:46,020 Yeah. Oh, she's after his dough. 262 00:13:46,860 --> 00:13:47,860 Anybody's dough. 263 00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:49,340 Now, I'll need some capital. 264 00:13:49,620 --> 00:13:50,900 Freeze. Freeze. 265 00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:52,960 Freeze. 266 00:13:53,280 --> 00:13:55,840 I'm asking for contributions to the Stop Natalie Fund. 267 00:13:56,060 --> 00:13:58,280 Come on, you may be the next victim. Give, give. 268 00:13:58,560 --> 00:14:01,700 Here we go again. We all got to stick together to stop the Natalies of the 269 00:14:01,700 --> 00:14:02,700 world. Jim! 270 00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:08,960 And for the maker? 271 00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:11,080 Oh, anything under glass. 272 00:14:11,300 --> 00:14:12,520 I love surprises. 273 00:14:14,740 --> 00:14:18,940 You know, Sergeant, you could have knocked me over with a feather when you 274 00:14:18,940 --> 00:14:20,760 called up and asked me out tonight. 275 00:14:21,060 --> 00:14:23,540 Oh, I know it was terribly forward of me, but the moment you signed that 276 00:14:23,540 --> 00:14:26,040 petition, I couldn't get you out of my mind, Natalie. 277 00:14:26,340 --> 00:14:28,500 Oh, I may call you Natalie, may I? 278 00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:31,560 Oh, of course you may. You call me Ernie? 279 00:14:33,680 --> 00:14:35,600 Ernie. Oh, my gosh. 280 00:14:35,860 --> 00:14:38,420 Miss, do you have any imported orchids, please? 281 00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:44,040 I'm sorry, I just have gardenias. Oh, Don, whenever you mind, Natalie. From 282 00:14:44,040 --> 00:14:46,180 on, you'll be wearing nothing but orchids. 283 00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:48,520 That'll be one dollar, sir. Oh, yes, of course. 284 00:14:48,780 --> 00:14:49,780 Oh, here you are, Miss. 285 00:14:50,260 --> 00:14:51,260 Here you are, Jane. 286 00:14:52,780 --> 00:14:53,780 Five dollars. 287 00:14:54,540 --> 00:14:58,200 Well, you certainly are free with your money, Ernie. That does interest you, 288 00:14:58,240 --> 00:15:02,640 doesn't it? Oh, like I said to Dad many times. I said, Dad, you make it and I'll 289 00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:03,800 spend it. Somebody else. 290 00:15:06,420 --> 00:15:08,220 Let's talk about you, Natalie. 291 00:15:09,660 --> 00:15:10,920 Oh, there I go again. 292 00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:12,440 Oh, 293 00:15:17,660 --> 00:15:22,060 don't tell me you are in the ballet route to dance the violin. 294 00:15:26,730 --> 00:15:31,430 night. It's been so exciting. A different place than dining, dancing, 295 00:15:32,190 --> 00:15:35,910 Oh, I guess I have been rather selfish keeping you all to myself. Not giving 296 00:15:35,910 --> 00:15:41,290 time to see anybody else. Ernie, there isn't anybody else. Oh, come on, fess 297 00:15:41,330 --> 00:15:44,030 There must be a teeny -weeny little somebody else. 298 00:15:44,330 --> 00:15:47,710 There isn't a nitty -bitty anybody else. 299 00:15:51,170 --> 00:15:52,170 Oh, there is. 300 00:15:54,830 --> 00:15:56,750 Never mind, my dear. Lita. Lita. Miguelito. 301 00:15:56,970 --> 00:15:58,190 Miguelito. Yes, sir? 302 00:16:00,410 --> 00:16:01,410 More music. 303 00:16:01,470 --> 00:16:03,470 We're dancing the night away. Thank you. 304 00:16:10,370 --> 00:16:12,270 All she keeps saying is, Oh, my name. 305 00:16:12,490 --> 00:16:13,490 Oh, my name. 306 00:16:14,250 --> 00:16:17,910 And has Natalie never even mentioned Harold? Just as if he never existed. All 307 00:16:17,910 --> 00:16:21,550 she's interested in is Dad's millions. How many more millions has Dad got? 308 00:16:21,770 --> 00:16:23,850 Thirteen bucks. That's why I'm winding it up tonight. 309 00:16:24,350 --> 00:16:25,049 Natalie ready? 310 00:16:25,050 --> 00:16:27,070 Ready. Frankly, I think she's a little ahead of me. 311 00:16:27,290 --> 00:16:28,229 Poor Harold. 312 00:16:28,230 --> 00:16:30,290 What's with this poor Harold? What I'm doing is for his benefit. 313 00:16:30,610 --> 00:16:32,950 Tonight he's going to find out what kind of a girl Natalie really is. 314 00:16:33,170 --> 00:16:34,810 Where is he now? K .P. Good. 315 00:16:35,030 --> 00:16:37,830 Release him in an hour. He'll make a beeline right for Natalie's house. And 316 00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:40,690 there he will find a little surprise waiting for him. Oh, give me a little of 317 00:16:40,690 --> 00:16:41,690 that right here. 318 00:16:42,950 --> 00:16:44,750 She's somewhat of a near middle at this point. 319 00:16:54,410 --> 00:16:57,770 We'll have to change my stationery, Ernie. Oh, I wouldn't rush and do too 320 00:16:57,770 --> 00:16:58,770 changes right away. 321 00:16:58,870 --> 00:17:03,330 I hope you don't believe in long engagements, Ernie. Don't worry, 322 00:17:03,330 --> 00:17:05,430 have an idea. This engagement won't be too long. 323 00:17:05,690 --> 00:17:07,750 I'm dying to tell my family. 324 00:17:08,010 --> 00:17:10,150 Oh, Natalie, there's somebody I must tell first. 325 00:17:10,510 --> 00:17:11,869 Well, you're the boss. 326 00:17:12,069 --> 00:17:14,130 Anything you say, Ernie. 327 00:17:14,950 --> 00:17:15,950 Natalie! 328 00:17:17,030 --> 00:17:21,470 Natalie! Harold! What are you doing here, Sarge? Harold, remember, this was 329 00:17:21,470 --> 00:17:23,109 for your own good. Bear that in mind. 330 00:17:23,819 --> 00:17:24,880 Tell him, dearie. 331 00:17:25,359 --> 00:17:28,600 Harold, Sergeant Bilko and I are engaged. 332 00:17:29,660 --> 00:17:33,620 Engaged? Sarge! 20 years. If you hit a man with glasses, you get 20 years. 333 00:17:33,620 --> 00:17:35,660 That's good news, Sarge. Congratulations. 334 00:17:36,540 --> 00:17:38,520 Look, I don't think you heard her clearly. 335 00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:42,860 You see, Natalie and I are engaged to be married. Harold, where have you been? 336 00:17:43,440 --> 00:17:44,440 Hiya, Natalie. 337 00:17:49,420 --> 00:17:52,000 Natalie? My name is... 338 00:17:56,090 --> 00:17:57,150 Natalie? My aunt. 339 00:17:58,190 --> 00:18:03,490 This is your uncle Ernie. 340 00:18:05,610 --> 00:18:06,610 Uncle Ernie? 341 00:18:12,470 --> 00:18:13,470 Uncle Ernie. 342 00:18:13,650 --> 00:18:15,450 Uncle Ernie. Get out of there, Ernie. Leave me alone. 343 00:18:15,790 --> 00:18:17,750 Some people cry at weddings. I cry at engagements. 344 00:18:18,390 --> 00:18:21,270 Oh, Ernie, it's not your fault. How are you supposed to know there were two 345 00:18:21,270 --> 00:18:24,150 Natalies? Oh, that's... You tell that to the judge when he marries us. 346 00:18:28,500 --> 00:18:30,120 Married? Dealing with a desperate man. 347 00:18:31,180 --> 00:18:32,180 What are you doing? 348 00:18:32,500 --> 00:18:35,020 I'm just going to hark it so I can get out of town. 349 00:18:36,720 --> 00:18:37,720 I'm still in the army. 350 00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:41,000 You better do something fast. Harold says she's making all sorts of wedding 351 00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:43,620 plans. There's nothing to it. I'll have to tell her. I'll tell her the 352 00:18:43,620 --> 00:18:46,080 engagement was off. She's a nice girl. I hate to hurt her feelings, but I'm 353 00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:47,920 going to tell her. Yeah, but when are you going to tell her to her? Tonight. 354 00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:49,380 Harold and I got a double date. 355 00:18:49,980 --> 00:18:50,980 Double date? 356 00:18:56,910 --> 00:18:59,890 want to hurt your feelings, but I've got to tell you this. Now, listen. Frankly, 357 00:19:00,130 --> 00:19:06,610 I've... What is this? This is our engagement party, Ernie. 358 00:19:07,010 --> 00:19:08,090 Are you surprised? 359 00:19:08,910 --> 00:19:13,630 Yes, I'm getting nothing but surprises today. Well, Bilko, Colonel Hall. 360 00:19:13,950 --> 00:19:15,430 Congratulations, Bilko. 361 00:19:15,830 --> 00:19:17,990 I've known your fiancé for years. 362 00:19:18,510 --> 00:19:20,690 Frankly, I was surprised at your choice. 363 00:19:20,990 --> 00:19:22,670 Yeah, I'm a little surprised, too. 364 00:19:23,130 --> 00:19:27,860 I was expecting you to pick some mighty young thing. Frankly, sir, I expected 365 00:19:27,860 --> 00:19:28,860 it, too. 366 00:19:29,140 --> 00:19:33,760 But instead of that, you picked a fine, sensible woman. Now, Colonel Paul! Oh, 367 00:19:33,940 --> 00:19:38,440 John, isn't it fun? Now we can have the Bilko's over the bridge real soon. 368 00:19:38,740 --> 00:19:40,860 Congratulations, Sergeant Bilko! 369 00:19:42,820 --> 00:19:46,280 I want you to meet some of my friends. Oh, well, look, Natalie, there's 370 00:19:46,280 --> 00:19:47,280 something I... Now, later. 371 00:19:47,660 --> 00:19:50,220 And, Natalie, if I could just... Ernie, this is Mr. 372 00:19:50,460 --> 00:19:51,159 and Mrs. 373 00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:53,620 Hollister. We went to school together. Oh, that's nice. 374 00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:59,060 Delighted. Yes, well, look, Natalie... Now, Ernie, Ernie, dear, this is Police 375 00:19:59,060 --> 00:20:01,060 Chief Erickson. You've seen him around. 376 00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:03,340 How do you do? I've always wanted to meet a policeman socially. 377 00:20:05,100 --> 00:20:08,520 Ernie, Ernie, dear, I have to look after the punch, dear. 378 00:20:09,680 --> 00:20:11,840 Uh, Bilko, I want to talk to you. 379 00:20:12,460 --> 00:20:16,360 I just want to tell you that I've known Natalie Rumpelmeyer for 20 years. 380 00:20:16,860 --> 00:20:20,940 And I don't know a woman in Roseville who I respect or admire more. That's 381 00:20:20,940 --> 00:20:24,160 of you to say that about me. I'm telling you this because I want you to know 382 00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:27,360 that if I ever hear of anybody ever doing anything to hurt that little woman 383 00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:31,540 cause her pain, I take this badge off and forget that I was an officer in 384 00:20:31,540 --> 00:20:32,519 of keeping peace. 385 00:20:32,520 --> 00:20:36,220 The drinks are all ready. 386 00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:39,120 Now, what was it you had to say to me? 387 00:20:39,900 --> 00:20:40,900 Me? 388 00:20:41,199 --> 00:20:45,380 Yes, you said you had something very important to say. 389 00:20:45,680 --> 00:20:49,400 Frankly, I had such an interesting conversation with the chief, he knocked 390 00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:50,400 right out of my mind. 391 00:20:52,260 --> 00:20:55,100 Here comes the bride. 392 00:20:55,900 --> 00:20:57,200 Please, have fun. 393 00:21:00,780 --> 00:21:06,280 My marriage can't be all bad. 394 00:21:06,500 --> 00:21:08,980 Why don't you shut up? Why don't you think of a way to get me out of this? 395 00:21:09,120 --> 00:21:10,380 Think, think, think. 396 00:21:10,720 --> 00:21:11,720 Look who I'm asking. 397 00:21:11,840 --> 00:21:12,840 Hey, Sarge. 398 00:21:13,100 --> 00:21:15,720 If you can take a soldier to the Navy, I can get on a submarine, maybe. 399 00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:17,840 Hey, Sarge, can you fix the traffic tickets? 400 00:21:18,040 --> 00:21:20,320 I hear some of these submarines stay under the water for six months. 401 00:21:20,580 --> 00:21:24,500 Of all things, the tickets for jaywalking. Look, I got my own problems. 402 00:21:24,500 --> 00:21:25,199 you leave me alone? 403 00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:27,940 Why don't I... But, Sarge, I'm not the only one. The chief of police has been 404 00:21:27,940 --> 00:21:29,700 handing out tickets like they were samples. 405 00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:32,220 And the funny thing, he only hands them to soldiers. 406 00:21:32,700 --> 00:21:35,280 Soldiers? How long has this been going on? For the past two days. 407 00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:36,840 Well, that's your problem. Look. 408 00:21:40,670 --> 00:21:41,670 Two days. 409 00:21:41,890 --> 00:21:44,230 Don't you get it? I don't get it. That's when the engagement was first 410 00:21:44,230 --> 00:21:47,330 announced. Two days ago, right? See if you get this. If you were chief of 411 00:21:47,330 --> 00:21:50,370 and a soldier stole the woman you love, would you care about soldiers much? 412 00:21:50,670 --> 00:21:51,670 No. Would you? 413 00:21:51,750 --> 00:21:53,210 Neither does he. Wait a minute. 414 00:21:53,470 --> 00:21:56,530 I don't get it. If the chief of police is in love with Aunt Natalie, why don't 415 00:21:56,530 --> 00:21:58,170 he tell her so? Because he doesn't know it yet. 416 00:21:58,410 --> 00:22:00,390 This. This ticket tells the story. 417 00:22:00,630 --> 00:22:03,410 You mean you're going to fix the ticket, Sarge? No, dear boy, but I'm going to 418 00:22:03,410 --> 00:22:06,490 fix the Satan chief of police. Hey, you still got that diary you got for 419 00:22:06,490 --> 00:22:08,930 Christmas? Yeah. Is it blank? Sure. What have I got to put in it? 420 00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:12,060 and that's how it'll make it sizzle in you. 421 00:22:12,540 --> 00:22:15,840 You dove him and you showed me the way. You deserve a kiss with this. 422 00:22:16,280 --> 00:22:17,380 Rocco, kiss him. 423 00:22:20,580 --> 00:22:24,260 There you are, you boulder. What a good notion of thrashing with an image of 424 00:22:24,260 --> 00:22:24,839 your life. 425 00:22:24,840 --> 00:22:27,580 What do you mean by bursting in here like this, Bill? Oh, play innocent with 426 00:22:27,600 --> 00:22:28,239 you can. 427 00:22:28,240 --> 00:22:31,020 Trifling with the heart of the woman I love and I have the proof. 428 00:22:31,520 --> 00:22:35,140 What are you talking about? My beloved's diary, or as they will call it in 429 00:22:35,140 --> 00:22:36,180 court, Exhibit A. 430 00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:40,180 Diary? Are you crazy, Bilko? Yes, dear sweet Natalie doesn't know I have this 431 00:22:40,180 --> 00:22:44,100 diary. And oh, what a story it tells. What are you talking about? What am I 432 00:22:44,100 --> 00:22:44,899 talking about? 433 00:22:44,900 --> 00:22:47,020 All right, perhaps you'd like to hear this. 434 00:22:47,600 --> 00:22:48,860 April 22nd. 435 00:22:49,060 --> 00:22:52,800 Dear diary, I saw Police Chief Erickson walk by the house again today. 436 00:22:53,120 --> 00:22:55,020 How handsome he looks in his uniform. 437 00:22:55,280 --> 00:22:57,360 That's the tenth time he walked by this week. 438 00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:00,440 I suppose you're going to tell me that was your beat? 439 00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:04,680 I am chief of police. I don't walk a beat. Well, sir, perhaps you can explain 440 00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:08,940 this. And don't think this is... Here it is. May 5th. 441 00:23:10,120 --> 00:23:13,960 Today... He blew his whistle at me. 442 00:23:14,740 --> 00:23:15,800 How about that? 443 00:23:16,160 --> 00:23:18,860 Vilco, I blow my whistle at a lot of people. Do you indeed? 444 00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:21,780 It may be a whistle to you, but to poor Natalie, it was a love call. 445 00:23:22,040 --> 00:23:23,400 Perhaps you'll explain this, sir. 446 00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:25,400 May 10th. 447 00:23:25,640 --> 00:23:28,420 Today, he stopped traffic so I could cross the street. 448 00:23:28,980 --> 00:23:30,080 Maybe he loves me. 449 00:23:30,480 --> 00:23:31,980 As much as I love him. 450 00:23:33,600 --> 00:23:37,420 You got so excited when you saw how you stopped traffic. You couldn't wait for 451 00:23:37,420 --> 00:23:38,420 the traffic light, eh? 452 00:23:38,500 --> 00:23:42,140 I never knew Natalie felt like that. Oh, didn't you? You didn't help her along, 453 00:23:42,380 --> 00:23:47,920 I suppose, walking by her house, stopping traffic, blowing your whistle. 454 00:23:50,120 --> 00:23:53,080 Then I stood a chance all these years. Too late! She's mine! 455 00:23:53,480 --> 00:23:55,780 She's not yours, Belko, not until she says I do. 456 00:23:56,540 --> 00:23:57,960 You're going to fight for her like a man, eh? 457 00:23:58,160 --> 00:24:00,720 I certainly am. All is fair in love and war. 458 00:24:00,920 --> 00:24:01,639 Is it indeed? 459 00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:04,500 Well, you have no chance, Flatfoot. You wouldn't know how to tell Natalie the 460 00:24:04,500 --> 00:24:07,860 things she likes to hear. You wouldn't know enough to tell her that her lips 461 00:24:07,860 --> 00:24:10,280 like wine, her eyes are like stars. 462 00:24:10,640 --> 00:24:13,160 You don't know that orchid is her favorite flower, do you? 463 00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:15,540 You wouldn't even know enough to take her dancing. 464 00:24:15,780 --> 00:24:16,780 Oh, yeah? 465 00:24:16,820 --> 00:24:20,260 You've got a fight on your hands, Bilko. Oh, I'll see about that. And may the 466 00:24:20,260 --> 00:24:23,320 best man win, you whistleblower. 467 00:24:27,500 --> 00:24:30,280 one, but this is a double wedding. Where's the other sign? I got it out of 468 00:24:30,280 --> 00:24:32,340 car. Good. Now put this on the other car. Okay. 469 00:24:32,860 --> 00:24:34,300 Here they come. Here they come. 470 00:24:34,620 --> 00:24:36,560 Here comes the bride. 471 00:24:37,480 --> 00:24:38,480 Oh, the bride. 472 00:24:39,680 --> 00:24:42,260 Darling, hurry up. You'll miss the plane. 473 00:24:43,900 --> 00:24:44,900 Oh, here we go. 474 00:24:45,740 --> 00:24:50,720 Come on, Chief. You'll be late for your own honeymoon. 475 00:24:51,500 --> 00:24:55,620 Bilko, you're all right. I couldn't help but admire... the way you took it when 476 00:24:55,620 --> 00:24:58,800 Natalie said she was going to marry me instead of you. Oh, it hurt, but I'll 477 00:24:58,800 --> 00:24:59,679 over it. 478 00:24:59,680 --> 00:25:03,920 Get on that plane and get her out of here. Hey, Sarge, look. Look, she's 479 00:25:03,920 --> 00:25:06,940 ready to throw the bouquet. Who cares about bouquets? You got out of that with 480 00:25:06,940 --> 00:25:13,000 us, Sarge. Oh, and never again I give you my word. I swear I will... Wilco, 481 00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:15,040 means you're going to be the next one to get married. 482 00:25:15,640 --> 00:25:16,640 Hey, Sarge! 483 00:25:22,730 --> 00:25:27,070 Also seen in tonight's cast were Kay Medford as Aunt Natalie, Lee 484 00:25:27,070 --> 00:25:31,710 as Natalie Rumpelmeyer, Earl Rowe as Private Harold Westrom, Norman McKay as 485 00:25:31,710 --> 00:25:36,250 Police Chief Erickson, Joey Ross as Sergeant Ritzik, Jimmy Little as 486 00:25:36,250 --> 00:25:38,550 Grover, and Tim Herbert as Roger. 39540

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