All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s03e15 Bilko and the Colonels Secretary

You know where the Form 20s are?

I don't know. Sylvia always took care of
that.

She had to be transferred. When's the
colonel getting a new secretary? I can't

find anything.

Personnel just sent over this list of
names and records, but I haven't had

to look at it yet. Well, she can't get
here too soon. For me, everything's a

mess. I've never seen so much work in
all my life. Oh, we've stumbled into the

wrong place, gentlemen. This must be
backstage at the Follies.

Here,

girl. Mr. Phony Bologna.

Phony Bologna? Did you hear that? Is
that a good one?

Phony Bologna.

Clever. Clever.

She must have been mingling with an old
coward set again.

I don't want any. Do you mind?

This is not for sale. It's a gift for
the past Sylvia. Will you please tell

Ernie is here?

Oh, another present for the Colonel's
secretary.

Let's see. Last week when you gave her
the bottle of arpeggio, it was for you

and your platoon to get you out of
bivouac. Well, Sylvia is very

She understood instinctively we're not
the outdoor type.

What do you want this time, a discharge
from the army? I'd rather not discuss

this with you. Will you just get Sylvia,
please? Where is Sylvia?

Where is she?

Sylvia! You'll have to sing a little
louder if you want her to hear you.

in Washington.

Washington? If she's testifying against
me, I'll deny everything. They can't

prove it.

She was transferred to administration
school.

Administration, Sylvia?

Oh, Edna, you might as well have this. I
know it's not regulation, but it'll

look lovely on your bed.

Thanks. I suppose now that Sylvia's
gone, you'll be the colonel's new right

-hand girl?

No. Well, you don't want this, does you?

Which one of you American beauties will
be the colonel's new secretary?

None of us. The colonel's new secretary
is in this envelope.

And when I pick her, Bilko, I'll pick
her for the colonel, not for you.

Oh, I see. I do hope she's cooperative.
Why don't we just look at the... Stop

it, Edna. That's no... Stop it.

You don't have no chief... Stop it,
Edna. What are you doing here?

Now, Hollywood is kind enough to send us
one of its brightest stars, and I gave

you an assignment to drive him around.

Now, you don't expect Cary Grant to
drive the Jeep by himself now, do you?

mean Cary Grant is here?

Of course, didn't you know he's over at
the PX? Did you see him, Hen? Sure, he's

hopping around out there yelling, Judy,
Judy, Judy.

Cary Grant here! Yeah, yeah, yeah. You
watch the door, let me know the minute

they come back.

Well, Edna's gone. The least we can do
is help her pick up the new secretary.

Todd, you can't do that. That's more
private. What am I doing? I'm looking

private secretary.

Don't you understand?

Our way of life is being threatened.

You mean we've got to get somebody we
can trust. Somebody who'll misplace the

aside. A nice, friendly type that'll
keep our names off the duty roster.

They're all cute. Look at these
pictures. All pretty girls. Let's see

got to choose one that'll help us.

Helen Milken.

In the army three months now. She'll be
too eager to make good. We don't want

her. Louise Jones.

Married three times now. Bitter. Bitter.

In the army ten years.

Probably knows all about me. What about
this one?

Blanche Ripley.

Pretty good. Right age, right amount of
time in the army. Look at this.

Pleasant face.

Pleasantly stationed at Camp Miller.

This is the one for us boys. Yeah, but
Ernie, how are you going to be sure Edna

will pick her?

You don't understand about women at all,
do you, Hans?

Yes,

sir. You still got your sister's picture
in the wallet?

Yeah, but you told me to take it off the
wall. Give me the picture. But, Sarge,

you said you don't want her to look at
it. This is an emergency. Give it to me.

Here.

Hold this picture.

Wait till Edna sees this.

You know what they say, one picture is
worth a thousand words. Well, this

picture will speak volumes.

But I still don't get it, Ernie. Look.

Sarge, the girls are coming back. You'll
get it. You'll get it.

Blanche Ripley, welcome to Fort Baxter.
Move. Move. Straight out.

Hey, Phil.

What's the idea of telling us Cary Grant
was here?

Cary Grant? Who's...

I said, Harry Grant, a well -known
stuntman. My diction, I must practice

Well, let's leave these young ladies to
their work, especially you, Edna. You

have a large responsibility picking the
Colonel's secretary.

Let me worry about that.

I must say I admire your attitude.

What attitude? Oh, there's no avarice in
you, none at all. Here is the

competition on the post.

Three girls for every guy, does that
bother her? Not good old Edna, she's one

the boys. Give her a good book to cuddle
up with and she's all set. Will you get

out of here, Bilko? I've got work to do.
Do me a favor, sugar.

Pick a pretty one for Rainy.

Read girls to every man?

Hey, girls, you can tell the colonel I
just picked his new secretary. Get a

of this.

Blanche Ripley.

She's sweet. She sure is. A living doll.

Good night.

Blanche.

Bill. Gee, it was a swell evening.

I hate to say good night. Me too, but
it's late. You better go.

See you tomorrow. Okay, Blanche.

Good night, baby.

I'll see you in the morning.

Hey, Ripley, where have you been?

Hey, Ripley.

Where have you been?

Heaven, I think.

Well, come back to Earth. I got news for
you. He asked me to go study with him

tonight. Who?

Bill Harrison. Oh, Julie, as far as I'm
concerned, this is it.

Well, as far as the Army's concerned,
that was it. You better start packing

right away.

Packing? Yes, you've been transferred.

What? You've got to leave for Fort
Baxter first thing in the morning.

But Bill and I, they can't do this to
me.

Gee, I'm sorry, Blanche.

Here are your orders.

I never mentioned this on the recruiting
posters.

I've been looking at your record. You
seem quite capable.

Thank you, sir. I'm sure it will get
along.

And here's something you can handle
right away.

Yes.

He certainly picks a bad picture.

I'm a little sad. Did the Colonel give
you a rough time?

No, he was very nice. Do you always feel
like that? I'm sorry.

It's just that part of me is still back
at Cat Miller.

Oh, a boyfriend, huh? That's right.

Tough luck, kid.

But you'll get over it. I don't want to
get over it.

Why did they have to transfer me here?
Out of all the girls in the army, they

had to take me. Excuse me. I was looking
for Corporal Ripley. I'm Corporal

Ripley. You can't be.

My boys who picked you up at the station
must be lying.

They told me you were pretty. So
naturally, I wasn't prepared for this

loveliness. But you're good, young miss,
right?

Early Olivia Doblin, right?

You must be Sergeant Bilko. But of
course.

Thank you for the reception committee.
Oh, just our way of welcoming you

And may I present you with this box of
candy from the congenial, friendly,

cooperative boys at the motor pool. And
these lovely twin bed lamps, which I'm

sure will make your dreary barracks a
home away from home. One's AC and one's

DC, just in case.

Why, thank you, Sergeant. I just don't
know what to say. Oh, I'm sure you'll

find some way to express your gratitude,
like baking a cake, knitting a sock.

Like keeping you off the duty roster.

Well, if you can bake or knit, that
would be splendid.

I guess I do owe you something, Sergeant
Bilko. You can depend upon me to be

cooperative.

What's up, Guy? And it finally happened.
We've met the one girl in a million. I

want this girl taken care of. I want to
jeep at her disposal every time she goes

in town, get sick and call a pipe, high
-five into her room and connect these

lands. Say, you seem to run Fort Baxter
pretty well here. Well, my dear,

officially it's known as Fort Baxter,
but off the record, this is Bilko's

country club.

You know, I'm beginning to feel better
about being in Fort Baxter already.

Oh, believe me, Glantz, you're going to
love it around here.

And do you know who got you here? No,
who? The colonel? No.

Military personnel?

No. Who?

Little old me, that's who.

You got me here? Yes, I did. There was a
lot of girls who wanted what I said.

No, I know one girl, and that's the girl
that I'm talking about. Did you assign

any men to the garbage detail?

The garbage detail?

Yes, sir.

Sergeant Bilko and his whole platoon.

I like the way you think, Corporal.
You're going to be very valuable around

here.

Don't get like that. The girl takes it
seriously. Out.

No, no, you don't understand. If he sees
that you put me on beat, he'll think

I'm gone. Out. Look, if you don't like
to laugh, you'll change him. Out.

Out. All right. Oh, this is a flip. The
pouch is for the girl.

arrived four days ago. We've been
pulling every dirty, miserable detail in

You said you'd have it right in the palm
of your hand. All I see is a

paintbrush. What do you want from me?
How did I know she had a boyfriend in

Mellon and she didn't want to leave? I
always dreamed of being in the whacked

barracks, but not as a painter.

What do you want from me? I'm helping
you, ain't I? I'm helping too. Hey,

What? What is it? What? You'll be
through here. About an hour.

Good. Here's an order from the colonel's
office.

When you get through here, you and your
men are to clean the furnace in the

officer's club.

The Batgirl has struck again.

It's like being a prisoner of war.

Yeah, that's right. War is right. War
she wants and war she's going to get.

your brushes, men. You've drawn the last
work to do.

Goldman, get some coffee. Come with me.

Hey, what are you so busy about? I'm
writing a letter to Bill. He just wrote

this morning. I want to make sure he
doesn't forget me.

Papa Ripley, we just got through
painting your barracks, and now we're

the next detail.

I think you said something about a
furnace. Hey, what's the matter with

Doberman? His face is all puffed up.
Just a slight case of pain poisoning.

Pain poisoning?

Ours is not the reason why. Ours is
about the paint and dye. Something about

the... What's the matter with you?

Oh, nothing. I'm all right. I'm lucky.
It's just a little pain poisoning. The

boys in Doberman, they got it much worse
than I have.

Do the others have it, too? Oh, but
they'll be along any minute now. Captain

Masters is examining them. He's giving
them an X -ray treatment right now.

I know, I know it hurts, but you're a
soldier. Bear up.

How about these orders?

Look, Sergeant, why don't you and the
men forget about that furnace detail

tomorrow when you feel better? These
orders are orders, and these are your

orders.

Headquarters, Corporal Ripley.

Oh, yes, Captain Masters.

I know Sergeant Belko just told me about
it. The men are in your office now.

What's Sergeant Belko doing on his feet?
I ordered that man to bed.

Nurse, give that man a sedative to ease
his pain.

Sorry for the interruption. Corporal
Ripley, I have never seen such extreme

cases of pain poisoning and exhaustion.

I want these men relieved of all further
duty.

Yes, Captain Masters, they'll have
plenty of rest.

No work details.

Three -day passes?

Yes,

Captain. I understand.

You can depend on me. I'll see that all
your instructions are carried out.

Pardon me, Corporal. Is Colonel Hall in?

Excuse me.

I'm sorry, he's out. Who shall I take
home? Captain Masters with the hospital

report. Captain Masters!

We have to take care of the clinic. Wait
a minute, Sergeant.

Oh, nothing wrong, sir. He likes to eat
cotton. I told him never to. You'll

spoil the dinner. Spit it out. Come now.

You'll be sure to get him the report.
Yes, Captain Masters.

And now, Captain Masters, you and your
staff will join Sergeant Belko in the

basement of the officer's club and start
cleaning out the furniture.

Basically, they'll be able to identify
it. All right, move it. Get back there

and help me. I can't work anymore. My
sacroiliac is out. Me too. I've had

enough. How do you get out of this
chicken house?

What is this, a mutiny? You want to wind
up in a godhouse? A godhouse will be

like the French Riviera after this.

You've got to do something. Get rid of
her, will you? What do you want me to

Come on, Sarge.

Well, get a load of this, Bo Brumell.
What are you, too good for us? Why

you on the detail?

Sarge, I've got to get the talent vote.

Vote? What, you've got your own
election?

You don't vote with anybody else?

Well, Sarge, it's not that kind of an
election.

It's a contest to elect a Miss
Roosevelt.

I'm going to vote for this one.

Look at this. Miss Roosevelt contest
nearing end.

Lucky winner to receive all -expense
trip to Switzerland.

Switzerland. I wish somebody sent that
Corporal Ripley to Switzerland.

Just get her out of here. Yeah. Well,
Switzerland isn't too far, but it'll do.

Wait a minute. You mean Miss Roosevelt,
Corporal Ripley, Corporal Ripley,

Miss... Why not?

She's got my behind.

Personally, I'm going to vote for Hildy
Schmidt.

If I hear this shit, I've got one vote.
I want it. Come on, get dressed. All

right, men, this is it.

Liberation day.

You want to enter a girl in the Miss
Roseville contest now? That's right,

Bergen. Here she is. She's a sweet girl.
They just love her in Switzerland. And

we'd love her in Switzerland, too,
wouldn't we, boys? The contest is over

tomorrow. She couldn't possibly get
enough votes to win. Excuse me. Here's 1

,486 votes from the men at Fort Baxter,
sir. Oh, hey.

As far as you can see by today's
Roseville Gazette, the three finalists

hundreds of votes ahead of her, with
only one day left.

She couldn't possibly get enough votes
to win. Oh, darn.

Well, won't you just accept this entry
as a token to the men of Fort Baxter?

I'll break the bad news to Miss Ripley
myself. Your Honor, Councilman Frank is

waiting. Oh, yeah. Excuse me, boys. Yes,
sir.

There it is. There are the three girls
who are standing between Blanche and

Switzerland. Lovely girls they are, too.

Carl Williams, Lucille Lyons, Barbara
Ritter. Oh, that's sweet.

I just hope these poor souls haven't
packed their skis yet. Have you got a

Click, click, click, click.

Miss Carter -Williams? Yes? We are
members of the screening committee of

Miss Roseville contest. Oh, well, won't
you come in? We do hate to disturb you,

but it's been agreed that you most
likely will win the contest. However, we

make sure of your qualifications.

Qualifications? Good heavens, miss, you
don't think we're going to send a young

lady all the way to Switzerland just
because she's pretty? You must have

qualifications. The list, Mr. Barbella.
List? Oh, what's on the list? Well, I'm

ashamed to have to tell you here, but it
does say you must dance. Oh, that's all

right. No, I've studied ballet for
years. Oh, really? But it says here

specifically tap dancing, and if you
don't, it's quite all right. No, how's

that? What?

Well, it'll probably pass.

No doubt. Oh, yes. It also says she must
be a collator, a soprano. Now, nobody

does that.

Almost forgot this. Yes. It says here
you must play a musical instrument. Oh,

I've played the violin for years.

Well, we'll get in touch with you, Miss
Williams. What do you want from me? Oh,

here. Here. This is when I gave a
concert at the town hall. I was only

Oh, really? Yes, and here's a $5 gold
piece the conductor gave me.

Five dollars for the child.

Well, that makes you a professional.

That automatically disqualifies you from
the contest.

Disqualifies me? Yes, the release fee.
Well, I've never heard of anything like

that in my whole life. Please, please,
Miss Williams, we don't make the rules.

We just enforce them. You'll just sign
here. I think it'll be best for all

consumers. You don't want the adverse
publicity. No. Just sign the release,

we'll just forget it until next year
when we run it for desperate

You've been splendid about this, and I
advise you practice. You have a lot of

time. Please?

Yes.

Just call me Scoop Honey. I'm the head
publicity man of the Miss Roseville

contest. And if I knew anything about
contests, baby, you're a lead person.

With that face and that figure.

Mom, did you hear that? I'm going to
win. How exciting. Is this the mother of

the winner? How are you, sugar? Is this
his dad? Is this the sucker who pays all

the bills?

Miss Roseville.

First thing in the morning, I want you
in the office. I want to pose you for

some pictures.

Down, honey. You don't get the idea. I
want some of this jazz.

You're going to be a bikini.

Bikini? Don't worry, Mom. I'll have the
door open. I've been raided before. What

about that?

I go nuts for a little doll with big
blue eyes like this. You know what I

Pop? It makes me want to go... Well, I
never.

Oh, you must have.

All the way.

All the way.

Don't worry, Pop. We'll take care of
you. I'll send you some postcards from

Paris. I'll wrap them in a plain
envelope. Get it? You got it?

For a few days, honey, there's a little
place on the left bank. Murder? It's

murder. Mister, the only place you're
slipping is out of here, and now. What

about the contest? My daughter is out of
the contest. Oh, Don.

Well, Sarge? Well, we just took care of
Miss Lucille Irons. Now for Miss Barbara

Ritter.

Barbara, look at that. There are three
gentlemen to see you. Three gentlemen?

It's regarding the Miss Roseville
contest. They say they're from the Swiss

Embassy. How exciting. Show them in,
Aunt Hattie. Right this way, gentlemen.

Switzerland welcomes Miss Roseville. Oh,
when you come to our magnificent

country, there will be dancing in the
streets.

Dance in the streets.

I haven't even won the contest.

Oh, this is not what we hear in
Switzerland.

Already we have prepared your chalet in
Zurich. Oh, I'm going to stay in a

chalet? Oh, this is only till you are
ready to climb the Alps, which you will

with Hans and Fritz. At this time you
will go to the peak.

Oh, it's a beautiful sight if you make
it, but you have nothing to worry.

They are experts. They have the strong
mountain climbing rope. This is made

in Switzerland.

If you don't mind, I'd rather not climb
any mountains, please.

But please, if you come to Switzerland,
you have to climb the mountain.

Everything is up.

Also, you must exercise.

Also, you freeze.

This is why we have dancing in the
street.

You will sign this to this farm, which
protects the government if you are

carried off by an eagle. An eagle? I've
heard enough. I'm not going to

Switzerland. What?

If you win the contest, you have to come
to Switzerland. Well, I'm getting out

of the contest.

I do not blame her.

If it was not my country, I do not go
back either.

See what you have done? I

just

can't get over it.

This Ripley girl was a real dark horse.

Just entered the contest yesterday, and
overnight she's Miss Roosevelt.

I can't understand it either, sir.

Three leaders dropping out just like
that. Yeah.

If I could win an election that easily,
I'd run for president.

Say, why isn't she here yet?

Her plane leaves in 45 minutes. I don't
know what's keeping her.

Sergeant Bilko said he'd get her here in
time for the plane.

I'd better call her.

But, Blanche, I'm on the level with you.
You're Miss Roosevelt. Here's your

picture in the paper.

I've heard about all your tricks with
fake headlines.

You're not sending me on any wild goose
chase. How do you like this? The one

time I'm on a level nobody believes. Now
listen, will you let me drive you to

the airport and then we'll send you your
calls.

Headquarters, Corporal Ripley.

Oh, you're the mayor. Ah, now you'll
believe him. Yes, Mr. Mayor, I heard

it. See?

Oh, that's nice, Mr. Mayor. I should
hurry to catch the plane.

I'll get a jeep. All right, Corporal
Henshaw, Mr. Mayor, or Captain Nassus,

whatever you call yourself. Hey, what
are you doing? Now, Mr. Mayor, let me

you something.

The new soldiers talk like that, but
wax.

Hi, Sarge. We've seen your light on.

Why don't you go to sleep?

Yeah, it's three o 'clock in the
morning. Who can sleep?

I've got to figure a way to get rid of
that Ripley dame. If I could just get a

transfer or something. Oh, give up,
Sarge. Look, you can do what you want

us, with the platoon, even with the
colonel, but you just can't do anything

that Corporal Ripley.

I've been going about this all wrong.

I've got to open up a second front.

The colonel!

Come on, boys. I've got to get a good
night's sleep, so I'll be bright and

in the morning. Go on, go on, go on.

Ross, the colonel.

Come in.

Good morning, sir.

Good morning.

Here are the progress reports on the
overhaul job, sir. Thank you, Bilko.

Anything else? No, sir.

Where are you going, Bilko? Oh, excuse
me, sir. I was just checking to see if

what the girls at the outer office are
saying is true.

What is it, Bilko?

Please don't be offended, sir, but they
say you look just like Ronald Coleman.

We don't look it all the way. Oh, I beg
to differ, sir. You're not standing

where I am. There's a striking
resemblance when you hold your head a

way.

Oh. Which way?

Hold that, sir.

No wonder your secretary feels the way
she does about you, sir.

Blanche? What do you mean? Oh, me and my
big mouth.

What is it, Velcro? Oh, surely, sir. You
must have seen it.

Seen what?

Sir, the truth of the matter is... The
poor girl is hopelessly in love with

sir.

In love with me?

That sweet, nice, young girl? Then
you've noticed her, sir?

Oh, but it can't be. Look at the
difference in our ages. I'm much older

is. You're right, sir. It's the story of
South Pacific all over again.

May and December.

Oh, I wouldn't say December.

You'll do the right thing. I know you've
been through this hundreds of times,

sir. Not exactly hundreds of times.

The letters are ready for your
signature, sir. Thank you.

about it, sir. She couldn't keep her
hands off you.

If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I
wouldn't believe it.

Sir, there's only one thing you can do.
You must leave the camp for a while

until the poor girl can pull herself
together, sir.

You're right.

Wait a minute.

I can't go away.

I'm running the camp.

You'll have to talk with Mrs. Hall.

She's a modern woman. She'll understand.
Why don't you just say to her, darling,

you'll have to share me. Never mind.

I know what to do. And she's very
progressive. At the bitch club, I've

that these women disgust each other.

Hello, personnel.

Captain Barker.

I want you to arrange an immediate
transfer for Corporal Blanche Ripley

Camp Miller.

Yes, first thing in the morning. And get
me a new secretary.

And this time, make it a male secretary.

Congratulations, sir.

That's just what Ronald Coleman would
have done.

Praise the God of the Bible!

Praise the God of the Bible!

Thanks a lot, boys. Your applause went
to my heart, not my head.

Well, did the old Sarge let you down?

It took me a little while. She had me
stymied, that Miss Ripley, but when I

my move, I got rid of her.

Poor poor Sarge. A little while I missed
you, baby.

Right, come on.

Here we go. Any side bet you did. Can
anyone tell me where I can find Corporal

Blanche Ripley?

Corporal Ripley? Yes, she's my
sweetheart.

My name is Bill Harrison. Just got in
from Camp Miller.

Well, I got good news for you, Bill. You
can go right back to Camp Miller,

because that's where Corporal Ripley was
transferred to.

Blanche is back at Camp Miller?

Yes, and you know who you can thank for
it? Me, Sergeant Ernie Bilko.

You had a transfer? It wasn't easy. Take
my advice, pal. Fly back to Camp Miller

into the arms of your loved ones. Yeah,
but I can't. I've just been transferred

here. I'm the Colonel's new secretary.

The Colonel's new secretary?

Yes, Sergeant Bilko.

And I'm not going to forget about you.

Smudge. Now what are we going to do?

Stop the panic. Relax.

He's a nice fellow.

It's just a shame about him being in
love with the colonel's wife, isn't it?

He's in love with the colonel's wife?

Not yet.

But he will be. Take a letter.

Dear Colonel Hall, please regard this
anonymous letter as a token to the

who's always the last to know.

Also seen in tonight's show are Dorothy
Stinnett as Corporal Blanche Ripley.

Joan Holloway as Cora Williams, Suzanne
Storrs as Lucia Lyons, Mara McAfee as

Barbara Ritter, Lester Mack as the
mayor, Barbara Berry as Edna, Billy

Billy, Grace Carney as Mother Lyons,
John Cecil Holmes as Father Lyons, and

McEwen as Bill Harrison.