All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s03e08 Bilko Talks in his Sleep

Here.

Give me a dime. I want to make a phone
call. But, Sarge, if I give you a dime,

all we'll have is $1 .90 for dinner.
Never mind the $1 .90. This dime will

us dinner. Who are you calling, Sarge?
Remember Hilda? The fat one?

Yes, she's fat, which only means she
eats good. And I understand she does her

own cooking. Let me... You can't be too
particular. So what if a dame is a

little fat and a little sloppy?

Hello! Hilda, how are you, darling? This
is Andy Boy.

This is friends of mine, and I were in
the neighborhood. We thought we'd give

you a buzz, as they say.

You want us to come right over?

Well... After all, Hilda, it is dinner
time. We do hate to barge in on you like

this.

You're not having dinner. You're on a
diet.

Well, if you think it's for your
appearance, it's all right.

Beep, beep.

Oh, there's the bus. We must run. Thank
you very much, Hilda. Take care.

Sit. No, no, no. You can't delve into
the Capitol anymore. Let's sit down.

Just relax, let the old star turn
around. You see, gentlemen, I'm ordering

well -balanced meal. It's all in your
attitude.

And gentlemen, tonight you will eat like
kings. Just let me handle this. We

start off with two hamburgers, side
order of shoestring potatoes, some

three coffees, two donuts, split by down
the middle. I believe that comes to

exactly $1 .80, which I know we have
between us.

Here's mine, 85 cents. That's my
bankroll, 95 cents. My host, I salute

See? Now, who said three couldn't eat as
cheap as two? Yeah, especially if two

have money. Oh, that's a bitter
reminder. Well, if it isn't Sergeant

Million Belko.

Hey, look at all the money on the table.

When is the branch truck coming over to
pick it up?

Hold it.

Hold it a minute.

Huh? Say, Pudgy Baby.

You're right, baby. No doubt about it. I
win the bet. What's the bet? That you

are the ugliest sergeant in the United
States Army.

Very funny, Bilko, but I'm the one
that's laughing. Take a look at this.

$96.

Wow.

And I owe it all to you, Bilko.

Oh, I seem to remember. I must have
loaned him that much. Oh, no.

Not this money. This is the money I
saved by not betting with you.

And you want to know something? I'm
going to save this much every month the

way. Yeah, me too, Pilko. We're not your
patsies anymore.

Now, just make up your mind, boys. It'll
just put you in a higher tax bracket.

Who are you going to give it to? Uncle
Sam or Uncle Ernie? Don't worry. I got

own idea how to spend it. Please, you're
spoiling my appetite.

Hey, look. There she is. Oh, hold my
hand, Robert. I'm weak.

Hello, Gladys.

Oh, it's you.

How about a date tonight when you get
through?

No, thanks. Why, Gladys? I'm sick of
going out with you and Ritzig. Why does

have to come along all the time? He's my
pal.

Well, then why doesn't he stay home and
talk to his wife?

Look, if you want to, I'll stay home.
But don't tell me who to talk to.

Well,

maybe. I'm off day after tomorrow.

I'll let you know.

Oh, thanks, Gladys. Thanks a lot. You're
sweet.

Come, Rupert. It's all settled. She's
going to think about it.

Francis.

How about them hamburgers? I'm starved.
Here, here.

Can I help you?

Can she help us? We've been sitting here
20 minutes. She wants to know if she

can... Miss, normally we're easygoing
guys, but we... May

I have your order?

What's your hurry, my dear? We're in no
particular rush.

I've been in here many times. I don't
believe I've seen your lovely patient

it. It is lovely, you know.

I want your hamburgers. Hamburgers,
indeed. Now, do I look like the

type? We'll start with Oyster's
Rockefeller, some green turtle soup.

Pheasant. Cherry Jubilee. Oh, yes, you
better stop them chilling a bottle of

champagne. Are you kidding? We don't
have any of those things.

You don't? Oh, fellows.

Why do you greet me here? It's dull,
dull, dull.

Well, I guess I'll have to eat at the
Cotillion Club tonight again.

The Cotillion Club?

That's the most expensive restaurant in
town.

Oh, is it? Well, I wouldn't know. I just
dine and sign.

Gee, I've never been to the Cotillion
Club.

Oh, you'll have to, my dear. You must
go. And when you do go, ask for the chef

and tell him you want the bilks. Oh,
it's a splendid dish. And you... Well,

even discuss it? Why don't I just take
you there?

Oh, I'm off day after tomorrow.

That would be Wednesday. Oh, that's a
splendid day. That's Guinea ham on the

glass day. Oh, we'll love it. And that's
a date there... Gladys.

Gladys. I could swear your name would be
Kim. She does resemble that Novak girl,

doesn't she?

I suppose you don't want anything then.

Oh, well, I... While we're here, you
might as well bring us three coffees.

just a minute, Kim. I mean, Gladys.

Here's a dollar and a half for your
trouble.

Oh, thank you. Quite all right, my dear.

My usual 90%.

Yeah, Ernie, how are you going to keep
that date with her? The

Canadian club's got to cost you at least
40 or 50 bucks. Yeah, what are you

going to do?

Ah, here it is.

Now, you gentlemen ever heard of that
great American institution? Guess how

beans there are in a jar?

What's a gimmick, Sarge? All right.

How many beans would you guess there are
in here? Oh, about 50 ,000. Ah, that's

a good guess. Do you agree to that?

Sure. All righty.

Observe.

See? The beans are pasted on the inside
of the jar.

There are exactly 333 beans here.

That's very clever, Sarge. But the guys
will never hold still for one of us

winning the contest.

Oh, really? Well, that's where I display
my brilliance. That's why I'll be

eating in the cotillion club and you
poor souls will be eating in the mess

None of the men do back from Charles.

Just about now, Sarge. All right, follow
me. Right.

Now, gentlemen, how about a game of
chance? Freeze!

This is the thanks again, huh, for
trying to fill your day with a little

knickknackeries. This is the reaction I
get. I have a good mind not to go

through with it. Oh, no, go ahead,
Sarge, go ahead. All right, if you

Now, pay attention. I have here a bean
jar.

Now, for a dollar each.

you can guess how many beans there are
in this jar.

I'd like to point out that neither
Corporal Barbella, Corporal Henshaw, or

will be in this contest. Thank you for
that vote of confidence.

I repeat, all the money will go to the
man who guesses closest how much beans

there are in the jar.

Now, here it is.

Study it. Observe it.

Don't touch it. Take a guess. I'd say
there's about 20 ,000 beans in there.

you're crazy. Look how big. I bet you
there ain't no more than 14 ,000. It

provokes your imagination, doesn't it?
Well, happy hunting, then.

Just one thing.

If you're running this contest on a
level, how do you end up with the money?

Elementary. When Doberman wins the
contest, it'll be a cinch getting the

from him.

Doberman's going to win? Of course.

There are exactly 333 beans in the jar.

Doberman will guess the closest.

Observe. Observe.

Yes, Sarge. Come in, Dwayne. Come in.

Now, Dwayne, what time did I give you
that detail for the furnace?

Four o 'clock this morning, Sarge. Four
o 'clock?

In the army, we don't say four o 'clock.
We say 0400.

If you're going to be military, be
military. It's 0400.

0400. Now, what is it?

0400. That's better. Remember.

Oh, incidentally, Corporal Henshaw, did
you give me the inventory from the stock

at the motor pool? Right, sir. Oh, yes,
you did tell me. There were 400 spark

plugs in stock. That's right. Ah, I must
remember.

Heavens. What was that number you just
told me?

Oh, 400!

Remember,

Henshaw just gave me. I forgot it
completely.

400. 400. Thank you. I'll remember it
from now on. 400. Thank you.

Oh, Corporal.

Yeah. Did you hear from that young lady
in Philadelphia you've been carrying on

that little romance with? You know, the
girl in society?

The girl in the 400?

Oh, no. She never answered any of my
letters. Oh, isn't that a shame? He must

have written her at least 400 times,
never heard from her once.

400 letters.

400 times this lovesick boy wrote that
girl and never heard from her. Shame.

Oh, incidentally, Dwayne, I know you're
going in the bean contest.

What number did you pick?

Gee, I haven't given up much thought
yet. Oh, just think of any number now.

number comes to mind?

Gosh, I don't.

400.

You stick with that number.

I will. Gee, I don't know how I happen
to think of that number.

Oh, Dwayne, would you help me get my
music stand, please? I want to practice

little. You see, when you don't practice
the trombone continually, you lose your

lip. Will you hold this? I'll get the
music.

Now, where ever did I leave that piece?

What? What angel blew that note?

are pulling my leg. It was the radio
play. Now, you're kidding.

You? Let me hear it again.

Crying? Crying?

Yes, I'm crying.

Crying in confusion. I've practiced all
my life. Here's a man who picks up a

horn and in one blow shatters all my
illusions.

There is.

I'll never play this trombone again.
It's yours. Take it.

I can't. Yes, for $50.

$50? But Sarge, I'm broke. Good.

Nobody expects a musician to have cash.

You pay me when and if you get the
money.

Gee, that's mighty nice of you, Sarge.
I'm thinking nothing of it. Just send me

some passes when you're playing at
Birdland.

I'll go and practice.

Well,

if you want to bow in awe, you may.

Sarge, I just want to say...

I'm proud to know you. All right, go on.
Get out there. Keep an eye on the bead

jar. I got some paperwork to do. Right,
sir.

Wait a minute.

Now, old man, will you cut out that blow
we're trying to think here?

Just for that, I want to invite you to
Birdland.

Take it easy. You're starting to sweat.
I'll strangle him with my bare hands.

Well, maybe Gladys was kidding you.
Maybe she didn't give Bilko a date.

Gladys don't kid.

I'll murder him. Look at you. You're
going to get an ulcer.

Hey. Hey, you guys. You want to get so
many beans in the jar, only a bucket

throw. Where's Bilko? In his room? Yeah,
but he's busy. Never mind. Come on.

Now... They'll go.

I'm gonna murder you. Get up!

No, no.

Flying fox can't win on a wet track.

Yes, Colonel Hall. I'll take care of it
right away, sir.

Thank you, Mr. President.

I'd love to play another nine holes.

Hey, look, what a jerk. He's talking in
his sleep.

Doberman, you don't have to pay me for
the trombone until you win the bean jar

contest. Hey, let's wake him up. Shh!

What about the bean jar contest?

Contest fixed.

Everybody gets his high.

How many beans?

Doberman, you're another Lawrence
Sewell.

How many beans?

Three hundred and thirty -three.

Did you hear that, Ritchie? Three
hundred and thirty -three.

You want to see me? Oh, no. I just came
to tell you that there's no hard

feelings about you taking Gladys out.

Oh, I'm glad you're taking that
attitude.

After all, I mean, it was kismet. The
poor girl took one look at me, and

vroom, she was... Sometimes I curse this
handsome face of mine. Hey, Sarge, we

all got numbers picked out. We want to
have the contest now.

Good. Let's go. Excuse me. We have
business.

All right, gentlemen. We don't have
business officially on. All right, line

We'll do this in an orderly fashion.
Gentlemen, I'd like to point out in the

palm of my left hand... I have the
winning number. Now we'll have your

and your guesses. Sarge, $5, five
chances.

Very good. House $23 ,000. Good chance.

Here, here. I'm taking four chances.

House $4 ,500. Very good. Very good.
You're showing good thinking. Zimmerman,

,000. Zimmerman did it again. Move,
move.

$36, $22, $35. Good number. That's
familiar.

Marilyn Monroe.

Oh, what did you think of that? I'm
always thinking of it.

You're healthy. Healthy.

Good man. I got the winner, sir. He's
got it again. Let's go. Here you are,

Yes. He remembers.

All right.

That's it. All right, gentlemen. And the
winner is... Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Here's my dollar. I think
I'll take a check. Why not, the more

the merrier. Just write your guess down
on a piece of paper.

$40 ,000?

Why don't I make it $80 ,000? No, I
think I'll take a really wild guess.

I know it's a foolish guess. Oh, don't
say that. You've got as much chance as

anybody else.

333. Well, now the winner is... 333.

Don't tell me this wins.

What a coincidence.

It almost sounds like somebody told you.

This is the greatest thing that ever
happened to us. Duco talking in his

Yeah, he'll never be able to take us
again.

Come on.

Hold it. All the men asleep.

Yeah.

mind to you.

Rapparelli, button those buttons.

No, no, Miss Sagerstrom, I didn't pull
Marion Colby's hair.

Hey, he's human about when he was a kid.
Say, ask him about the fly in the

bottle. He won a fortune for me with
that game. Okay.

Bilko, what about the fly in the bottle?

Fly in the bottle?

It's a secret.

What about the fly and the bottle?

Before I let the fly out of the bottle,
I take some sugar and I sprinkle it all

over.

This is a real emergency.

Got a date with this beautiful doll.

Sarge, we just ain't got it. We're
busted. We don't have it.

Sarge, they're leveling.

All right, all right. Fall out. This
ain't the army. It's Porpoise Anonymous.

How are you?

Russia's secret weapon. Well, looks like
I broke your lucky streak yesterday,

Ernie. Yeah, from now on, you're not
going to be that tough to take.

Oh, maybe you'd like a little more
action, huh? Yes. Well, you name it.

would you want?

Cards, poker, running broad jump,
anything you want. I'll take it from

right, let me think.

Oh, oh, I got it.

Fly in the bottle.

Okay, you're right. Wait a minute. You
let the fly out of the bottle, the first

one he lights on wins the money.

It's a bet. Wait a minute. What are we
betting? How much?

Oh.

How about this watch? Oh, no. It's a
real solid. No.

Let's make it worthwhile. I say your
next month's pay against this.

They're on.

It's a bet. I'll get the bottle of wine.
Rock, head to lay out the check. Right,

Doc.

Come on, baby. I'm going to let you out
for your dinner.

See the nice sugar?

You come to me like you always do.

That's a good little boy.

Here's my I .O .U.

Here's the fly and the button. Now,
remember the rules. You sit in your

with your arms folded.

You don't move out of the chair.

The first one to fly lights out wins all
the door, okay?

Okay.

Think of another game you want to play.

Yeah, come on. Oh, I must be very
careful how I eat after this. I seem to

some maple syrup on my face.

Come on. So long, sucker.

A pink fly.

Don't take it so hard, Ernie. Anybody
can lose once in a while. You'll get

Sure, but Amari will be beating their
brains out again.

Well, sure. And I don't want to be broke
for my David Gladys tomorrow. I'll be

broke for the whole next month.

Maybe you were too tired, Sarge. You
were up with them awfully late last

What do you mean, up with them? With
them?

Yes, Sarge. I heard you talking with
Ritchick and Grover in your room last

night. It was way past midnight.

What are you talking about? Midnight I
was asleep.

How did they... Ah,

I began to smell a rat.

Two rats.

Salt. They put salt in the sugar? That's
why they... The fly didn't come to you.

Well, how did they know about the
gimmick?

Seems when I was asleep last night, I
had my big mouth open. Yeah, that little

mistake cost you a month's pay, Ernie.
Don't worry, I'll get that month's pay

and more of theirs with it to boot.

How? How?

Next time I talk in my sleep, I'll know
what I'm talking about.

Thanks, Gordon. Thanks for the trip. I
could kiss you.

But that grateful I'm not.

Yeah, sure. I wouldn't be surprised if
you were due for a stream. Hey, yeah.

And then I could bet I'd pay for the
month after next.

Yeah, that's a bet.

I don't know. Anything.

Say something.

How about betting how many men show up
for Reveille tomorrow morning? I'll bet

you we come closer than you.

Okay. I say... No, no, no. You don't
have to tell us now. We'll meet you

tomorrow morning before Reveille in your
barracks. And we'll make our guess

then. I see. You want me to sleep on it
first? Yeah.

That's right. Let's all sleep on it. Oh,
I'm tired. I think I'll turn in early.

Yeah, me too. I can hardly keep my eyes
open.

How about you, Ernie? You look a little
tired.

Shut up. You know what they say. Early
to bed, early to rise. Makes a man

healthy, wealthy, and wise.

How true.

See you tomorrow morning.

He'll see us tomorrow morning. But we'll
see him tonight first.

Sarge, what if they don't come? Maybe
they went to bed.

They'll come. There's something they
want to know. You got a hench looking

them? Yes, sir.

They want to find out how many men are
going to be at Reveille.

They're going to hear something they
wish they never heard.

Here they come, Sarge.

It's time for Bilko's revenge.

Good night. Sweet prince. Farewell.

Okay, he's asleep.

Oh, glad he is. Please.

Everybody's looking.

Hey, he's talking about your girl.

That is.

You shouldn't say that.

You shouldn't call Sergeant Grover a
stupid clown.

How many turning out for Reveille
tomorrow, Ernie?

Seven men on pass.

Fifteen men on furlough.

Sixty -five men for Reveille.

Sixty -five. Thanks, pal.

What's the matter? Is he sick?

Doctor. Doctor.

Shh, shh. Let's listen.

Doctor, give it to me straight.

I can take it.

Three months.

Three months to live.

This has got to be our

secret.

When my time comes, I'll be ready.

Three months to live. Did you know that?
No.

What little bug.

What little bug.

I, Ernest Wilco, should hereby bequeath
all my earthly possessions to my dear

friends, Sergeants Grover, Sergeants
Ritzig, This includes my GI insurance.

He's leaving everything to us.

What a swell guy he was.

Sweet.

made again?

What's the next move, Sarge? They make
it. Figure it out. They start thinking

all the money I lost and then they want
to give it back. Yeah, and more.

Hey,

the Rover boys will be here any minute.
How do I look? Great, Sarge.

Great. That's no good. You got the
talcum powder? Yeah. Got a mirror in

Go ahead. Do me a favor. In my locker,
some shoe polish. Get it right away.

Look good. Ron.

Yeah.

Stay by the window. Let me know the
minute you see them coming. What are you

doing, Sarge? What am I doing?

Such misery from two sergeants you'll
never see in your life again.

When I get through with those two jerks,
you'll think King Lear is a comedy.

See him yet?

Hey, hey, here they come off the company
street.

I'm ready.

How do I look?

Get out of here. It's pigeon pocket
time. Get this stuff out of here. Quick,

quick, quick.

It's great to be alive, isn't it?

Gee,

Ernie, you don't look too good. Oh, what
are you talking about? He looks

wonderful. Yeah, well, that's what I
meant to say. You look great. Yeah,

you look just like if you came from
Florida. Oh, shucks, I'll have to be a

hundred years... What?

Okay.

You're fine.

Fine? How's everything? What's the
matter with you guys?

You look like you're going to a funeral.

Oh, Ernie, don't say that.

Hey, I know it's a little early. How
about a little poker?

No, Ernie.

Oh, I know why. Because I'm broke, huh?

Suppose I put up six months' salary.

Wait. Better make that three months.

How about a little poker? No, we'd like
to, but we're broke.

You're broke?

Anyway, what do you mean you're broke?
Didn't you win all the money for me in

the last few days? What do you mean
broke? You must have won at least $300.

is that? We spent it.

You spent it? It was over $300. Excuse
me. Hey, Grover, there's a guy outside

see you and Ritzing.

They're right in here, sir.

Didn't you have all the three? That's
Grover, that one.

Sergeant Grover, I'm Dr. Granger. I got
here as quickly as I could, on the very

first plane.

Doctor, what is this? Who's sick?

You are, Ernie. We know everything, and
we wanted to get you the best medical

care. Yeah, this is Dr. Granger. He's
one of the biggest specialists in the

country. What are you guys talking
about? Ernie, we spent every cent to

him here. And if he can save you, it'll
be worth it.

Every cent?

Does that mean the money I was going to
win to take out Gladys, too? Don't worry

about Gladys. We told her you were sick,
so she broke the date.

Yes, she said she didn't want to catch
anything from you.

Broke the date?

Doctor, the money?

Oh, doctor. You look like a sick man to
me. A very sick man.

Also seen in tonight's show were Joey
Ross as Sergeant

Ritzik. Jimmy Little as Sergeant Grover,
Virginia DeLuce as Gladys, and Norman

McKay as the doctor.