All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s03e03 Hillbilly Whiz

What a shellacking we took. We just
weren't hitting.

24 to nothing ain't fair. There they
are.

Bilko's Bombers. Oh, this is a proud
day.

24 to nothing.

Say, we're lucky at that. The score
could have been much worse.

Fortunately, they called the game at the
end of the fifth inning.

Bilko's Bombers.

Bilko's misguided missiles.

This is a day of infamy. You ought...
Where is my picture?

Where is Fireball Paparelli?

Come here, my Italian ace. Any excuses?

Sarge, don't pick on me. My control is a
little off, so I hit two batters. Oh,

is that all? It doesn't matter that one
of them was sitting in the dugout, huh?

I'm loose. Loose? If you were any
looser, they'd have massacred us.

Well,

it's probably all over the post by now.

Motor platoon, nothing.

Whack typist, 24.

How do you feel?

Judge, we tried.

How do you think we feel? You feel. How
do you think I feel? I got $50 bet

against company A platoon next week. And
that $50 we can kiss goodbye.

They're men.

Baseball players.

All right, knock it off. Take your
shower.

Doberman, shower.

That's an order.

Too bad about that bed, ain't it? Don't
worry, I'll take that 50 bucks out of

their hide. Maybe you can get out of the
bed, Sarge. Oh, sure. Can't you just

see Grover and Ritz and let me off the
hook?

If we only had some decent pitching,
we'd have a chance. Is that him? I'm

of it. Hey, can we have your autograph,
Mr. Stengler? Mr.

Stengler!

Get out of here. Wait until next week
before you start to gloat. Get out of

here. Say, Ernie, we've been thinking
about that $50 bet. Oh, I'm sure you

We will assemble right now for $49 .50.
Look, I'm almost here. Get out of here.

Wait. We'll give you a fighting chance.
How about we change the game from

baseballs to potsy potsy?

That settles it. I want that team first
team tomorrow morning out for practice.

We can't. We've got to be out in the
rifle range tomorrow morning. Oh, yeah.

Well, if I ask you for a rifle in front
of them...

Don't give it to me. Not in my house.

Watch where you're shooting. Don't waste
that ammunition.

Keep it going.

Hold it. Not really. You're not holding
a lawn. You're trying to hit a target.

Now watch it.

Hold right.

What happened? I closed my eyes.

Here's a real sharpshooter. Hey, Sarge.

Sarge, we got a new boy. They sent him
out here.

What's your name, son?

Lumpkin. Hank Lumpkin. He says he's a
pretty good mechanic, Sarge. We'll find

out. We'll take him back to the
barracks. We'll find a place for him.

Sarge, what are them men doing?

What are they doing?

They're fishing.

I get them, don't I? What do you mean,
what are they doing? You see those

in their hands? Those are rifles.

They're trying to hit that target over
there.

Chuck, Sarge, all I meant was you don't
need rifles to hit them targets.

Them's only about 150 feet away.

Don't need rifles? What do you use,
tobacco juice?

No, Sarge, I can hit that with the rock.

Hold back!

Very good. That may have been effective
a thousand years ago when they used

spears and bows and arrows, but for the
time being, if you... Hey, little lad,

where'd you learn to throw like that?

Well, Sarge, we hunt squirrels back
home, and ammunition's expensive than

going that hard. If a squirrel ain't
looking right at me, I give him what I

my take -it -easy throw.

Your take -it -easy throw? Yeah, it goes
like this.

Oh, boy!

Sarge, are you thinking what I'm
thinking? Yes.

All right.

All right, you men. Everybody back to
the barracks. Come on.

You got any more throws like that?

Yeah, I got one I call my bender.

Your bender?

Yeah, that's in case of a squirrel
hiding behind a tree. I'll show it to

Well, the target's over there.

I know.

He knows. He knows.

Oh, my!

It's too good to be true. I also got
what I call a butterfly fling.

Butterfly fling? That's if a squirrel is
looking right square at you, you throw

him the butterfly fling, and he gets
flunked and fused. Yeah. Yeah. I'll show

to you.

Hold on!

I'm not good.

What's not good? Never mind.

Did you ever pitch a baseball?

Huh? Did you ever throw a baseball?

Oh, yeah. I had a kid that went with me
to Memphis. He brought one with him. I

throwed it. What happened?

I killed me a mountain lion.

Boy, better tell the fellas when you get
back to the barracks. He's great.

No, no, wait. Keep it under your hat.
Look, we're going to teach you how to

baseball. You wouldn't like it around
here, Prime. You think you'd like it?

I sure would, sir. We sure like you.
Where'd you say you're from?

Tennessee. I had some kinfolk there. I
thought it was a tooth dentist, you

I've never seen anything like it. What a
picture. Man, he looks great.

Wow. You know something? That $50 bed
that Grover and Ritzy is just as good as

one. With one little variation, I'm
going to let them raise the ante a

Hey, there he is, Casey Stegall himself.

Hiya, Casey.

What happened to Bilko's brothers?

I didn't see them practicing today.
Maybe they're all betrayed.

Knock it off. They got a fighting
chance.

They have?

Well, I'll tell you what. How about
making it a $100 bet instead of just

Come on, knock it over. What's the
matter, Belko? No faith in your boys

because the Wax beat them? What? I don't
like that kind of talk, okay? It's a

$100 bet. Clark, are you crazy? No, I
was only kidding. That didn't count. Oh,

no. I heard you. It's a bet.

$100. You're not going to take something
I said in anger, are you? You made a

bet, Belko. It's a bet. Now, don't...
Oh, nice friends. Fine sportsmen. Now,

stop at $100? Want to take my last
penny? Let's make it $200. Let's make it

$300. It's a bet. No, you're not going
to back out now. So you said $300.

Everybody heard you. Even your pal.

Did he say $300? I didn't say it. Did I,
Rog? Rog, they got you.

My big mouth. We got to move. We got to
move.

All right, let's go. He's such
cleverness, such craftiness. Oh, it's

better and better. We got work to do.
Fill out the duty roster for tomorrow.

Rock, do me a favor. Get me the sports
roundup. I got a small bet on the

Yankees. What do you got for tomorrow?

Well, let's see. I'm taking Doberman off
the garbage detail.

No, leave him there. He's grown
accustomed to the place. This is the

roundup. Wait a minute, I want to hear
this. The New York Yankees lost their

second in a row today to the Boston Red
Sox 9 -2.

Waddy Ford came up with a recurrence of
a shoulder injury.

In the National League, there isn't too
much... They like those Yankees. They're

going to blow this penalty.

A week ago, they were leading by six
games.

You know what it is? It's the injuries.

They need a stopper. They need a
pitcher. And they need someone... Hold

got it. You got what? The pitcher for
the Yankees.

Lumpkin? Lumpkin with the Yankees? Why
not?

A bonus player. Now you're thinking
hence. But look, Sarge, maybe with

or Kansas City, but... Never!

If he goes with anybody, he goes with
the Yankees.

I've been a Yankee fan since I'm ten
years old, and this is my chance to

them for the countless thrills they've
given me through the years. And besides,

they're loaded, and I'm going to hook
them real good.

Yankee fan, including my 20 % commission
for the agency.

But Sarge, an agent's commission's only
10%. But let me run my own business,

please. Not only that, I'm going to
charge him with... There he is, the

of the year. Oh, that golden arm, those
muscles, that wiry wrist, these talented

fingers.

Good idea, keeping him warm when he's
not using them.

Did you say ouch? Ouch!

Sorry, Sarge.

What happened?

What happened?

What happened?

I'm in a hurry to kill you and you keep
me waiting. What happened?

Sarge, I was closing the hood of a Jeep
and crack!

Did you say crack?

Yeah.

Well,

there it is.

I had a million -dollar proposition laid
right in my lap, a chance to break into

the big time at last. And what happens?

Crack! And it's all gone.

No bonus, no big salary, no endorsement
money, no sitting in the audience at the

Ed Sullivan show.

The world was in my hands and crack!

What have I got left?

A pitcher with a broken hand and a fat,
stupid catcher, which I am now going to

kill! Crack!

Roger, it ain't broken.

It ain't. Doc says it's just a sprain.
It'll be good as new in a week. An

No way. Tomorrow I play company A. I got
$300 bet. What is the world going to do

for me? What do you mean I can't play in
that game?

How are you going to pitch with a
bandage hand?

I reckon I just don't know the rule.

What has the rules got to do with it?
Well, the way you're talking, there must

be some rule getting me flinging with
this other hand. Look, an accident

happened. You don't worry about the
rules. We'll get this hand in shape.

The other hand.

You can pitch with your right hand, too.

This is good.

Just...

Thank you. Just one thing. The bender
don't go this way. It goes that way.

I knew it.

I knew it.

I knew it.

I knew it. I knew it.

Hold on. Hold on a minute, will you?

Yes, Alfred. That's Mr. Phil Rizzuto.

Newback Hotel, Kansas City.

Will you stay on the call and let me
know the minute you get him? It's very

important. I'd appreciate it. Thank you
very much.

How you feeling, Hank, baby? How you
feeling? You ready, Sarge? Yeah, he's

ready. What do you want me to do, Sarge?
Now that your hand is better, I want

you to take some batting practice.

Yeah, send it. Here's three balls. Okay,
Sarge. Now, keep them out there a half

hour. Got it?

Goldman, you go and catch the paparelli.
On the double. Okay, Sarge.

Sarge, will you do me a favor?

I'm your pal, ain't I? What do you want,
baby boy?

Well, I ain't seen my gal Lula Bell in
about three months now. Could I get some

time off?

I got a better idea. Why don't you
invite her to stay down here? She could

in Roseville.

I don't know, Sarge. She ain't never
been to no big city before.

Oh, she'll love it here. This town
really jumps till 9 o 'clock. Oh, it's a

blockbuster. Why don't you call her up
and invite her down here?

I can't call her, Sarge. We ain't got no
phones at home.

Oh. Well, send her a wire.

Is that like a telegram?

Yeah.

I'll help you send her later. Go out
there and wait for her. You are good to

Sarge. Why not? Why?

Oh, this guy's too good to be true.

I think I'll ask for $125 ,000.

That's a lot of money, Sarge. It's worth
it. He throws right -handed, left

-handed. He could pitch double -headers.

By the way, what makes you think
Rizzuto's going to be interested in an

ball player?

When he hears from his old pal Ernie
Bilko, you kiddie.

Wait a minute.

Maybe Rizzuto. Keep your fingers
crossed.

Hello? Yes, operator.

Mr. Rizzuto's ready. I'll talk to him.

Hello, little baby boy. How's the old
scooter made? Are you there on a tank?

Well, this is Bilko. Look at Phil.
Here's what I... Didn't they tell you

Bilko? Look, I want... Ernie Bilko. B -I
-L -K -O. Bilko.

Must be a bad connection.

Look, Phil. Here's what I want.

Phil. No.

Wait a second. Don't hang up, Mr.
Rizzuto. This is... Mr. Rizzuto. I'll

for this call myself, and $3 is an awful
lot of money to a G .I.

who served in New Guinea and Okinawa.

Remember this?

I know you're a very busy man, but if
you want to do the Yankees a favor,

to this and listen to it good.

They got a catcher down here with the
Roseville Rockets. A catcher, yes.

He's with the Roseville Rockets. He hit
five home runs yesterday, and he wasn't

even trying. This is the greatest
natural ball player. He's a catcher.

Roseville Rockets. It's not far from
Kansas City. Rose... You will?

That's wonderful, Phil. You'll never
regret it. Thanks a lot, pal.

Yankee. Hey, Yankee. Is he coming?
Better than that. He's sending down a

scout right down here. Sergeant,
Sergeant, something I don't understand.

was all that about a catcher?

He don't dig it.

Every baseball scout prides himself that
he can discover raw talent, right? I'll

be touting Doberman. I'll let the scout
discover Lumpkin by himself.

What are you doing back so soon? Sarge,
I pitched three balls to him. I told you

to keep him out there a half hour. We
can't find the balls.

He hit them outside.

It was frightening.

Frightening? Sarge, he was bunting.

It's Stu.

Sarge, you do me a favor.

Anything. Anything.

As soon as we get some more baseballs,
could I take a real swing?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, Scout. Come down as our
guest.

Thanks, Sergeant.

Wait till you see this catcher you're
going to flip.

What's his name?

Doberman. Dwayne Doberman. Look at him.
He moves as graceful as a ballet dancer.

He looks fat and slow to me. Oh, it's
all muscle, pal. All muscle. He stole 38

bases last season. Hey, who's the
pitcher?

That pitcher. The one warming up for
Roseville. He throws pretty hard. Local

boy, no experience. You keep your eye on
the catcher. That's the way he plays.

He's pretty strong.

Oh, that Doberman is as strong as an ox
and he's still growing. I'm talking

about the pitcher.

Oh, him. Local boy, no experience. You
want to watch the catcher. He hits the

ball a mile.

He hits a ball a mile. How come he's up
eight?

Hey, who's that?

Oh, you see the... Oh, look! The game is
starting!

I believe it's a bat. Now watch it.
You'll see some fancy catching.

What's his name, anyway?

Doberman. Dwayne Doberman. I mean the
pitcher. Pitch? Oh, Lumpkin, Schmumpkin,

something like that. I don't know. Watch
it.

That's working, Dwayne, baby, babe.

Boy, look at that boy throw.

He threw that ball with his other hand.

Oh, he's a show -off. He's just a flash
in the pan. You want to watch?

I got a hunch that kid could pitch in a
majors right now. Well, you're right.

Look at him. He moves just like Yogi
Berra. And you want to know something?

I think you can pick him up for a bonus
of only $10 ,000.

What did you say? I think you can pick
Goldman up for a bonus of $10 ,000,

$9 ,000. How much for the pitcher? Oh,
the pitcher.

Him?

$125 ,000 in cash.

What?

5 ,000. He may be worth it at that. I
want the front office to get a look at

him. Good. I'll have him in Kansas City
first thing in the morning. No good. He

ain't from New York tonight.

No trouble. We'll be in New York. Come
on. Let's go.

Don't you want to watch your catcher?
I'm sick of looking at him. Come on.

I got him. I got him. Three day passes.
Come on. We've got to be at the air base

in 15 minutes. Let's go. Where are we
going, Sarge? We're going off to New

City and have us a little fun. Huh?

Wait a minute, I can't go.

Lula Belle's coming here.

I thought of that. I wired her some
money last night. She's going to meet us

New York City. Does the old Sarge think?
Do I think? What are you saying? Come

on, come on.

Oh, New York Yankees, here we come.

Hold on a minute, friend.

What's the matter?

Did you say Yankees? Yeah.

I was going to keep this as a surprise,
Hank. You're going to get a tryout with

the New York Yankees.

Oh, I don't reckon I can do that,
Sergeant.

My daddy wouldn't hold still for me
being on the same side with Yankees. Oh,

wait a minute. The Civil War's been over
90 years.

I'm sorry, Sergeant, but my pappy says
generally give up too soon.

I want to tell you a joke.

That New York Yankees don't mean
nothing. That's just a name. They're

Southern Mountain Boys.

Sure enough, I shouldn't listen to their
names, country boy slaughter.

Hillbilly Scowrin', Mickey Moonshine
Mantle, and then there's Hank Fowler.

the same first name as you've got. Well,
you sound like rotten -ass Fowler. Now,

you don't think Colonel Casey Stangle
would have anything but southern boys

him, do you?

Oh, I reckon not, Sergeant. That's the
kid I was telling you about, Cousin

Casey. The tooth dentist.

Yeah, let's go.

How does he out feel?

This is it.

Over there, Mr. Topping is watching.

Now get in there and throw like you
throw to those squirrels. You got it?

get in there. Good luck. Throw it, boy.

Hey, Sarge, should I? Get in there and
catch him. Call for the butterfly fling.

Move it.

Hey, Hank, give it to your butterfly.

Atta boy, swell hang.

What do you think, Mr. Topping?

He's amazing. I've never seen anything
like him. Now watch his fastball.

He'll win 30 games for sure. Easy.

From now on, we'll clinch the pennant in
July.

I'm tired of having to wait till
September. Don't you want to watch him

Never mind, I'm sold.

Bring him up to the office right away.

All right, where's this Bilko fellow?

Oh, he'll be here any minute. I gotta
warn you, this Bilko's a real con man.

Oh, leave him to me.

I'll get this lumpkin guy for a bonus of
$15 ,000, maybe less.

Oh, I'm sorry to keep you gentlemen
waiting. I was delayed on the phone with

Mr. Hank Greenberg of Cleveland. Very
insistent man. Don't go. This is Mr.

Topping. Hold back just a minute.

Who doesn't know the famous Dan Topping?
I've been an admirer of yours for

years, sir.

Let's get out of business, Bilko. Shall
we?

Yes, your boy's good.

Well, thank you.

I'm willing to go as high as $10 ,000
for him. Well, that's very nice of you.

However, I have a few ideas I'd like to
kick around with you. Good. Let's go in

here. We'll talk later. Thank you.

Good that you drive a hot bargain, Mr.
Topping.

I'm sorry, Bill Cole. That's the best I
can do.

Well, if that's the way you want it,
okay, he's yours for $125 ,000.

See you later, fellow Cole.

Don't forget our little plan. It's very
important. Thank you. You've done a

wonderful job. Good man.

Should get a raise. Great job.

Giving him $125 ,000?

I'm lucky at that. He wanted a piece of
the stadium.

He should be here now.

Yeah. I hear him.

He got it. He got it.

Where's Hank? I got to get him to sign
his contract. He'll be right back. He's

with Lulu Bell. Did you see her yet?
Does she at least wear shoes?

No, we ain't seen her. Yeah, but look,
and he's still upset about playing with

the Yankees. No kidding. Why? He took a
look up at the stadium today and he

said, all them flags flying are not one
Confederate flag. Forget about it. I got

a question.

What's that?

You'll see for yourself when you see Mr.
Yogi Berra.

Mighty Ford, Phil Rizzotto, and Gil
McDougal. I got a plan. Here's the way.

could be him.

Where's the roulette?

She's in her room, rushing up. Here, sit
down a minute. Here.

I want you, son, to sign this.

Write that.

What is it? That's a baseball contract.

You're going to get a bonus of $125
,000.

$125 ,000? Yeah, boy.

That's a lot of money.

Pen, pen, pen, pen. Sign it right there,
Hank. Sign it. That's a good boy. Sign,

sign. Sign it. He's not signing. Sign
it. Sign it. Gee, Sarge, I don't know.

What's wrong now?

Well, my pappy ain't gonna like it one
bit, me playing up north with the

Yankees. Hank, I told you a hundred
times they're all southern boys.

Well, I ain't calling you no liar,
Sarge, but I sure didn't hear no

accents out at that ballpark today.

All right, Hank, don't take my word for
it. The owner himself will be up here.

You can ask him.

That must be him now. Come in!

Well, bless my soul, Hank.

This here is Colonel Dan Falcon.

This is Hank Lumpkin. Well, I'm glad to
meet you, Colonel. Shown up.

Here we have Colonel Philip Calhoun
Rizzuto.

I do. Shown up. And coming this way is
Colonel Gilbert Beauregard MacDougall.

Hi, all. Shown up. Well, bless my soul,
here's Colonel Whitey Stonewall Ford.

I do.

Shown up. And last but not least from
the deep south, this here is Colonel

Ashley Burra. Why, please, make your
acquaintance.

Sure enough.

Yeah. Colonel Yogi is going to be your
catcher. Isn't that right, Yogi?

Sure enough. I like him. Good. He
reminds me of Doberman. Yeah.

Who's Doberman?

Well, gentlemen, I guess you all came
here to pick up the contract.

Sure enough. Well, Hank, these gentlemen
know how to get back to their

plantation. You sign the contract,
they'll give us the check. Isn't that

gentlemen? Sure enough.

Sure. I'll be glad to sign this. That's
a good boy. Sign right there. Sign,

sign. That's it.

Here's the contract, Colonel.

And this has been checked.

Oh, I wish I was in a line of cotton.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, General,

we'll talk to you soon. We'll talk to
you soon. We'll talk to you soon. We'll

talk to you soon. We'll talk to you
soon. We'll talk to you soon. We'll talk

you soon. We'll talk to you soon. We'll
talk to you soon. We'll talk to you

soon.

We'll talk to you soon.

Think, Hank, in a few weeks you'll be
playing in the major leagues.

That's right, Lulabelle. Don't you worry
about Lulabelle. I'll handle her. Let

me take... That must be her now. I'll
get it.

Let me handle Lulabelle, right? Honey,
is that how you handle these things?

Sorry.

Hank, honey, I thought you were coming
right back.

You left me up there all by my lonesome.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

Lulabelle, I'd like for you to meet my
buddies.

This here's Corporal Henshaw, and that's
Corporal Barbella.

Hiya. And this here's my best buddy of
all, Sergeant Bilko. Hi, y 'all. Honey,

the sergeant wants me to stay up north
for a little while and play baseball.

Dad, no.

Can't look. And you said you was getting
discharged from the army in four weeks.

You mean you ain't a coming home?

Well, it's just for a little while.

Nothing doing.

Folks back home are talking their fool
heads off about me being 16 years old

not married off the age. Little dad, I
can explain my... Watch out!

out of that mean old army, I'm going to
find me another bowl.

So now you make up your mind what you're
going to do right here and now.

Oh, Gina, I'm right confused.

Look, honey child, I can explain. Close
your flower mouth and don't honey child

me. What am I supposed to do while he's
playing that little boy's game all day?

Well, lots of the wives...

you as me. Play baseball or marry up
here with Lulabelle.

Yeah, Mr.

Sergeant.

What would you do, huh?

No contest.

I'd play ball with Lulabelle.

What?

Pitchers, it's a curve. Ted swings and
misses.

It's the third time today that he has
struck out Williams.

And now he's getting all set to pitch to
Jensen. He's got this crowd out here

just tearing up the PPAC.

Lumpkin now is going to turn around and
pitch to him. Lumpkin's got a no -hitter

going against the Red Sox. We'll have to
watch that double draw. Come on, sit

down, will you, Sarge? Don't be a sore
loser.

Jensen swings, misses. How do they get
that Lumpkin to sign?

Lulu Bell said she'd never let him go.
How? How?

Here comes Red Bob.

Folks, here in the middle of the 7th,
nobody has gotten on against Lumpkin

pitching right -handed. And nobody has
gotten on against Lumpkin pitching left

-handed. The old redhead has certainly
enjoyed being with you. And now to take

you down the rest of the way, here's my
sidekick.

Come in, partner.

Hi, y 'all sports fans.

It's a right beautiful day for baseball
here.

Isn't that a great fly, that Confederate
flying a weapon in the tree? How about

that? Ready now for the bottom of the
seventh. Yogi Bear leading off and on

smooth. Smooth scouring, that is.

The one thing I didn't figure out. They
rung in Red Barber on me, a real

southerner. That's it. The solid south,
you can't beat them. But Sarge, you're

the one that's... Oh, hush your mouth.

Sarge, how come you... Hush your mouth.

Hush, you carpetbaggers.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Dick
Van Dyke as Hank Lumpkin.

Joey Ross as Sergeant Ritzik, Jimmy
Little as Sergeant Grover, Joyce

Lulu Bell, Frank Caponella as a scout,
Frank Milan as Dan Topic, Bill Rizzuto,

Yogi Berra, Gil McDougall, Whitey Ford,
and Red Barber played themselves.