All language subtitles for the.great.north.s04e15.1080p.web.h264-successfulcrab

- ♪ Look up there ♪
- ♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

- ♪ Like a rock ♪
- ♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

[cheering]

Well, look
what the carp dragged in.

Very late to moms night.

We were gonna send out
the coast guard.

And the sex guard.
Cause of how...

we thought you were...
You know... [grunting]

Are you doing a thumbs-up
to mean sex?

Is this better? Mm! Mm! Mm!

No.
Cease and desist immediately

- whatever that is.
- And where were you honeymooners...

Sex trapeze workshop?

Cozy booth at Olive Garden,

each breadstick more
suggestive than the last?

Actually, we were
just watching TV...

-Mm! Mm! Mm!
-put those thumbs down, Marie... and dozed off

during a marathon of
Kenai Chimney Clean-Outs.

- That better be the name of a filthy pornography.
- It is not.

Though Kenai Chimney
Clean-Outs can be pretty scandalous.

Yeah. Oh, Beef, tell
them about the guy

who found 45
rats in his chimney.

Uh, a guy found 45
rats in his chimney.

Nice. I'm gonna go put
these drinks in the fridge.

Hey. What's the
deal, lumber-crack?

You reeled in an
absolute catch like Carissa

and you're not even
taking her ass on dates?

Whoa, whoa, we've been on dates.

-Well, one date. We went to Maude's...
-Maude's?

Maude's is not romantic.

The bathroom is visible
from every single table.

But Carissa hasn't asked...

Ugh! Women don't want to

have to ask for romance.

But deep down, we all want to
be whisked away on special dates.

Like when Jamie buys me a
variety of Trader Joe's dips,

rents a river gondola,

and serenades me
for hours with his flute.

I don't know how
to play the flute.

Well, not everybody can be
Jaime but you'll figure it out.

I mean, one of the main
reasons Carissa and Ken split up

was 'cause he
never took her out.

She hasn't mentioned that.

And we've only really
been dating for a month.

A month is a long time.

Think of all the frisky Fridays

and sexy Saturdays
you've wasted.

You owe her four weekends
worth of date nights,

plus interest for
being an idiot.

You have two jobs
in this relationship:

making Carissa feel special
and reaching high shelves.

You're definitely not
doing the first one.

Not even the first one, Beef.

And I don't know
about the second one

'cause I'm not usually
around you guys

when you're near shelves.

She could dump
your ass at any time

for a stepladder
and a tab of Ecstasy.

And I've got one of
those in my garage

and the other one
in my brassiere.

Preach, Dorothy.

Hmm.

CARISSA: Thanks for the ride.

You want to come over Saturday?

I know we'll have 18
hours of summer sunlight

and should enjoy that, but...

they're doing a Chimney
Sweepers marathon called

"Oops. All Cave-Ins."

Well, um, I was thinking,

would you want to do
something a little more date-y?

I don't know, eat off a table

instead of plates
balanced on our laps?

Oh. Uh... Yeah.

I didn't think that romantic
stuff was your style.

But sure.

I wouldn't mind
being wined, dined,

and seventy-nined.

That's my average bowling score.

All right, then I will
see you Saturday.

It's a date. Oh, wait,
you want to come in

for a quick...
Er-er, er-er, er-er?

Oh, hell yeah. I'm no fool.

All right,

what do we think
of my date outfit...

Does it scream "romance"?

It screams "shirt
and khaki pants."

In Alaska, anything
without blood or dirt on it

is legally a tuxedo.

You look unreal, Dad. Scha-wing!

Babe, calm down.

It is about time you
took Carissa out, Beef.

Personally, I'm excited we're
babysitting her daughter Debbie.

She's so mean.

It's like being around
a real-life Chucky.

Oh, right. A full day of Debbie.

I'll be in my spider
hole with my comics

till my "friend" leaves.

Um, I think you'll want to stay
above ground today, Moon,

because... [imitates fanfare]

It's time for the second
annual grand opening

of the Tobin Family Pool!

And it's going to be very
different than last year.

What? Last year was perfect.

Ah...

♪ ♪

- [whoops]
- [laughs]

[Judy] Lies!

I'm sorry, what I mean to say is

lies, lies, lies, lies,
lies, you're lying!

Yeah, last year's pool
day wasn't like that at all.

Judy and I spent good
money on that pool

and an insane
amount on shipping,

then you guys turned
our paradise into hell.

Look! I'm a mighty
salmon! [laughing]

Cannonball!

Aah! Why is the
water so warm now?

Pee is water, Judy. Grow up.

Uh-oh. Bucking broncos. Yeehaw!

Wolf, careful, that's
a metal straw...

Aah!

And it turns out
OnlineDiscount-Pools. Russia

does not allow returns
for stabbed pools.

The only thing you can return
to those commies is their ideas.

Will someone please
explain modern Russia to her?

No, thank you. Anyway,
I only shop places

where if you have a
receipt, you can get a return.

In fact, I got a pair of
dungarees from 1962

that I will be returning today
to Suzie Q's Loose Slacks.

The point is that Honeybee
and I tried to provide everyone

with a nice experience last year

but it was stomped
to soggy bits.

So this year, Judy
and I will be offering

a more sophisticated
experience at our pool club,

as long as you're willing
to follow a few guidelines.

Please enjoy and read carefully.

Especially because
we ran out of toner

and everything printed
on the last page is

basically off-white.

"No outside food,
no inside drinks,

no pretending to be a large
fish swimming upstream."

How dare you?

"No peeing in, on,
or around the pool."

Wow, we get it... You
know prepositions.

[doorbell rings]

[flat voice] Oh,
hello, Mr. Tobin.

Oh, God. What's this?

Why is she talking
in that weird voice?

Morning, Beef.
Ooh, Alaskan tuxedo.

- Hi, Debbie.
- Why hello, friend!

Aah! Ah, yes, a handshake.

The greeting used to show
your foe that you are unarmed

and put them at ease
before the real attack.

[laughs] Oh, Moon,
you're such a humorist.

Okay, well, I'm ignoring
whatever that weird crap is

'cause I don't want to be late.

Let's go.

A boozy brunch

was a great idea, Beef. It's
speaking my love language,

which is carbs and alcohol
and almost nothing else.

Strong food groups on their own,

but somehow more
incredible together.

And it worked, cause I'm tipsy.

Well, being a little drunk
will actually be good

for where we're going next.

[chuckles] Wait,
there's a next place?

We've got so much daylight

and so many missed
date-ortunities.

I can hardly take you to
brunch and call it a day.

This was merely date one.

Okay. Well then, cheers to a
second surprise romantic date.

I don't want to rush
you, but we do need

to leave now to
make the reservation.

Oh. Okay. I am gonna take
this glass with me, though.

That feels right.
They have so many.

Usually, when the
mimosas are bottomless

I leave topless,
but this is nice, too.

[sighs] The water on my
skin, the sun in my eyes,

the sharp aroma of warm vinyl
possibly poisoning my brain...

Sublime.

This is the Alaskan
version of a Mykonos resort.

Except Lindsay Lohan isn't here.

She might be. She
could be anywhere.

Remember, she won Season 16

of Celebrity All Star
Hide-and-Go-Seek.

That's right. I still don't now

how she got herself
behind the Mona Lisa.

Tobin boys coming through!

I couldn't find
the beach towels,

so I brought regular
towels and toilet paper.

Do you guys want to
jump in one by one?

Or should we all hold
hands and jump in at once

like we're a rich family
taking a Christmas card photo?

- [blows whistle] - Are
you flippin' kidding me?

Did you not read the rules?

Oh, we thought
those were a joke.

Also, no, we did not.

Only one non Judy
Honeybee swimmer

allowed in the pool at a time.

Excuse me, miss Judy,

I'd like to say something.

Here it comes.

I think you're really doing

a great job setting boundaries.

- Hashtag girlboss.
- [Wolf] All right, then.

Age before beauty.

Time for this rad lad to
get his splish-splash on.

- Wolf, no!
- Uh-uh! No! Wolf!

[whistle blows]

Hey, no floaties,
flips, or dives.

You're banned.

I'll take one refund,
hold the chitchat.

I'm your customer,
not your therapist.

And I'm a retail
professional, not an idiot.

Have a nice day.

Don't you tell me what
kind of day to have.

Let's try this again.

I have a receipt and
Suzie Q's Loose Slacks has

a "no questions
asked" return policy.

We had one. My mom retired,

she goes on slut
cruises full-time now,

I took over the shop, and
we have a new return policy.

The slut cruises interest me,

but I don't give a
flying squirrel fart

what your new policy is.

And I'm not leaving
until I get my money back.

Well, I'm not leaving either.

Because, due to a
very difficult divorce

I am going through,
I also live here.

I sleep right there
on the tank top table.

And the answer will still be no
when I close the store tonight

and start crying and
wailing Rick's name.

But feel free to make
yourself at home until then.

I spent 60 years
locked in a bunker,

so you better believe
I'm ready to spend

the next million locked to this.

Better clear your calendar, hon.

I eat a lot of meat
and cheese...

It could be days
before this passes.

- [Beef and Carissa
laughing] - ♪ ♪

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry.

Ooh.

And scene. Okay,
great class, everyone.

Again, my name
is Tiffany Fantasy

and my VidVok is

VidVokokany-FantaDanceny
exclamation point.

Follow me.

Whew. Well,

thank you for the
dance and the date.

And apologies in advance,

because these
shoes are coming off

the second we get in the car.

No need. Our next date is
well within walking distance.

Oh. There's a third date?

Indeed. The wining and
dining has just begun.

♪ ♪

[both laughing]

[whistle blows]

- [Judy] Banned!
- ♪ Banned... ♪

[gruff voice] Hello,
it's your father.

- [whistle blows] -
[Honeybee] Extremely banned.

♪ Extremely banned ♪

[both exclaiming]

Oh, no.

- [whistle blows]
- Banned!

Banned for this
life and the next.

Where am I supposed to pee?

Next up, romantic
date number six.

Or, you know, we
could just go ahead

and call it here, if you want.

Today's been a
lot. A lot of fun.

Uh, but a lot.

I mean, I'm sure
you must be tired.

I know I wouldn't
be mad at a nap.

No, no. Nap dates
are a thing of the past.

Though we may have to
lay down to crawl through

a tunnel to escape.

Oh. An escape room.

Sounds hard.

Also, what does "mature"
mean in this context?

♪ ♪

Beef, this is really, um,

- elegant, but...
- Good afternoon.

Welcome. Bienvenue. I'm Burtis.

Oh, hello, Burtis.

We would like to try one of
your escape rooms, please.

Terrific. Now, before you pick

which tantalizing
room to explore,

I am required by
law to let you know

that "Erotic Alien Invasion"
has not been cleaned yet.

Then we will take a
different one, please.

All right, quick
rundown of the rules.

First, I will need you to place

your personal cell
phones in this basket.

Secondly, the electrical
wiring in the walls

is not part of the puzzle.

Please do not try to
remove it. You will die.

And, finally, I have to ask
you to not have sex in there.

Wink, wink.

Okay, but I feel like
when you said that,

you were implying we were
gonna have sex in there.

Oh, no... Wink, wink.

That's not allowed.

Wink, wink, wink,
wink, wink, wink.

Welcome to the Honeymoon Hotel.

Your time starts
now. Wink, wink.

Wink, wink, wink, wink.

Well, at least there's
somewhere to sit.

No time. We've got to
start looking for clues.

The chest has a
combination lock on it,

so I bet we're looking
for three numbers.

911? Joking, sort of.

Hey, uh, Beef can we talk?

I don't understand
what we're doing here.

Well, I think the puzzle
has something to do

with the newly-married
owners of a sex dungeon, and...

No, I mean I don't know
what you're doing today

with this marathon of dates.

You didn't have to plan so many.

Sure I did. Dorothy and Marie

practically ordered me to.

Wait, they ordered
you to take me out?

Like, forced you?

Not forced, they
just said I had to,

to make you feel special.

Oh, well, I'm feeling a
lot of things right now,

but none of them are special.

I'm tired, I'm angry...

Angry? Like, at me?

Wait, are we fighting right now?

Yes, Beef, we're
having our first fight.

And you know what,
it's probably our last,

because I don't think I want to

be on a date with
you ever again.

[Burtis on speaker]
Okay, so just let me know

when you'd like a clue.

I can't believe the ding
dong daylight will be gone

in a few hours and
we're sitting here

like a bunch of
dry, dusty doofuses.

I'm starting to suspect
those so-called rules

were designed to stop us
from ever entering the club.

On the other hand,
social decorum is really

what separates
us from raw nature.

Debbie, may I see
you in my office?

Certainly, Moon. I'd be pleased

to continue this
dialogue with you.

Mr. Ham, Mr. Wolf,
please excuse me.

Okay, Debbie, while I've enjoyed

not being bullied by you
or being threatened with

a front upper body wedgie,

at this point I am
absolutely forced

to say what the hell?

Why are you acting so nice?

Do you have one of those
cool brain-eating viruses?

[laughs] There's that
charming sense of humor again.

I mean, there's a whole
butt of pool over there

- [laughing] - and two
bigger butts who are

standing in the way of our
super-fun butts enjoying it.

Mm, maybe the real fun

is the time we're
spending together.

Ugh! The Debbie I
know would be chiming in

with a slightly north of
evil plan to extract revenge

on those pool
noodles over there.

- Oh, dear.
- What is your damn deal, Deborah?!

Oh, if you ever use
my full name again

I will punch you so
hard in the stomach

that your innie becomes
an outie n the other side.

Phew. Oh, my God.

Let go of me, you fart sack!

You're still in there.
You're still mean.

What a relief.

So, what's with the
Stepford Debbie act?

Ugh, fine! The reason I've
been super good all day is

my mom really likes
your dad and she said

I need to be on
my best behavior.

And I'm doing it 'cause...

- I'm glad they're dating.
- Oh, barf.

Yeah, but your dad
makes my mom happy,

so right now I'm
rolling in extra desserts

and so many Bratz
dolls that I found an arm

in my oatmeal one day
and I didn't even care.

I just ate it.

I don't want to get in
trouble today and ruin that.

I get it, but couldn't
you throw us a bone

on the pool situation?

I know you must have
a scheme cooking.

I mean, yeah, I'd obviously
love to build an epic Slip 'N Slide

and then ban your
power-drunk sister

and actually drunk sister-in-law

from using it.

But I'll get in
trouble if we die,

so I can't do it.

You can't, but I
can. I'll take the fall.

Besides, if anyone
dies, I'm pretty sure

Honeybee and Wolf are
gonna be in the most trouble.

Ow! She's back.

[Beef] Okay, can we slow down?

I am really sorry you
don't like the escape room.

It's not about this date, Beef.

It's about what you said
about Marie and Dorothy.

I'm confused.

Don't you want to be romanced?

Ugh! Finding out
this wasn't your idea

isn't romantic, Beef.

And now I'm trapped
on this never-ending date

on a never-ending
day wearing shoes

I'm going to have to be
cut out of at this point.

And the fact that you still
don't understand what's wrong

makes me think
you are fully crazy!

- Carissa, no, that's...
- Hey, Burtis?

Burtis, are you there?

Hello. Are you two
behaving yourselves in there?

I hope not. Wink.

Could you let us out?

I think the lady
would like to go home.

Hmm, are you really
asking to get out of the room

or are you asking me to come in?

[chuckles] Wink, wink, wink.

Just leaving, please.

Okay, maybe next time.

Auf Wiedersehen.
Please rate and review.

So, do you chain yourself

to small, family-run
businesses often?

Not as much as I'd like.

I did once chain
myself to a malt shop

because the sanitary pad
dispenser ate my nickel.

Ugh, fine.

While I usually do not
negotiate with receipt terrorists,

I suppose I could make
a one-time exception

for a batty old bunker
woman who's committed

to the same
financially-stupid principles

that my beloved mother is.

I knew it. Ha!
Now, with inflation,

we're looking at...

I will offer you
an exchange pair

from the sales rack
or nothing at all.

Deal. I'll take one of those
droopy beige numbers

with all the pockets.

Now, would you mind
unchaining yourself

and never coming
back here again?

Well, I'd love to,
but like I said before,

I'm gonna need two to
three days to pass that key.

Wait, this stunt was for real?

You don't have an
extra set of keys?

Ha! Do I look
like a millionaire?

Okay, I'm calling the fire
department to remove you.

Tell 'em not to dilly-dally.

I stuffed a grenade
in my bra as backup,

and that pin is real loose.

[Moon] It's a masterpiece.

[Ham] One hundred feet
of chaotic, lawless energy.

It's like the discount
luggage section at Ross.

Who wants to go first?

Yippee ki-yay,
splishy-splashers!

Whee! Ow, ow.

Whee! Aah!

Oh, that was incredible!

Oh, you've got to check it out!

Whee!

[all shouting, laughing]

Ah, yes, excuse me.

Your screams have
become a bit of a nuisance

for the Judy-Bee Pool Club.

So we're gonna need you
to shut whatever this is down.

Or at least, uh, let us try it.

Ooh, no can do.

Are you serious?

- Sorry, you're banned.
- [scoffs] Get out of the way.

- No!
- Let me go, Ham.

- No.
- [grunting]

[all exclaiming]

[all shouting]

Beef, I think maybe we should...

- Uh-oh.
- What is it?

I'm not sure. I have a
bunch of missed calls.

- [phone dings] - Hold on, there's
a new voice message from Wolf.

[Wolf] Hey, Dad.
You'll never guess

where I am right
now. In an ambulance!

[Judy imitates siren]

[Wolf] Yeah, the
whole fam is here.

- Say hi to Dad.
- [Moon] Hi to Dad.

- [Honeybee] Hey, Beef!
- [Ham] Who's Dad?

[Wolf] It's actually
a funny story,

but, uh, oh, oh, let me
tell you the craziest part.

I'm in an ambulance!
Yeah, did I say that already?

Anyhoo, you've
reached, uh, Wolf Tobin.

How may I direct your call?

Well, everyone's
okay. The nurse said

the kids'll be out in a few.

[music plays quietly on TV]

Uh, Carissa, did you
mean what you said

in the escape room?

About feeling trapped
and thinking I was crazy?

I shouldn't have called
you crazy, I'm sorry.

But it was kind of
nutso to ask me out

only 'cause our friends said to.

And then plan seven
consecutive dates.

Actually, I planned nine.
There was gonna be sushi,

an indoor hot-air balloon
ride at the Death cliff mall,

and then a silent disco.

Well, I appreciate
you making the effort,

but today made me feel
like a romantic charity case.

I was so excited,
but now I feel...

I feel embarrassed.

Hold on, let me clarify.

Dorothy and Marie did tell
me I should take you out,

but also, I wanted to.

And I felt like I
needed to go big

if skipping date
night was how Ken

coasted his way to the curb.

Oh, geez, Beef. Ken
sucked in so many ways,

but I ended it with Ken
because he was Ken.

I know I went a
little overboard,

but it wasn't just for
you. It was also for me.

I wanted to do this.

You wanted to
spend a full 18 hours

on a marathon of dates?

It was kind of a
dream come true.

When Kathleen
and I were together,

she never wanted
to do this kind of stuff.

- Really?
- Uh-huh.

Even if I planned a date I
thought she'd really love,

like a booze cruise.

She'd just say I was corny.

Geez, I'm sorry
she took the wind

out of your sails like that.

Pun very much intended.

Pun accepted. Yeah,
she was a bummer.

She said "yuck" three times

- during our wedding vows.
- Oh, boy.

I had to shut down that
whole romantic part of me

for so long and, I don't know,

I guess I did go a little nuts.

[chuckles] I actually
have a notebook

where I write down date
ideas when I think of 'em.

That's sweet. How many
ideas you got in there?

- Thousands.
- Well, okay, well,

I may not like dates
quite as much as you do,

but I definitely like them
more than Kathleen.

Maybe we can
split the difference?

Something between no dates

and one billion big,
exhausting dates?

That seems like
a fine compromise.

You know, it's pretty
impressive we had

our first big romantic date

and our first big
fight in the same day.

And if it's not too forward,

our first big make-up?

- [both] Mm...
- [Wolf] Nice!

Kids! Is everyone okay?

Just a couple
scrapes and bruises.

Moon begged for stitches
but they wouldn't give him any.

I'm taking this off
when we get in the car.

I want this baby to scar.

Dad, I'm sorry we interrupted
your romantic romp.

Judy and Honeybee started
an exclusive pool club,

so we had to build a
very dangerous waterslide.

What I'm saying
is it's all their fault.

What?! All we did
is make a few rules,

which we wouldn't
have to do if you guys

weren't always running
around like a bunch of

drunk bulls in a china shop.

Uh, do you hear yourself?

Bulls would make a
boring dish store so fun.

Not for the shop owners,
who are just trying to enjoy

the shop they planned and
paid for because they wanted

to do something nice for
everyone even though no one

ever says "thank
you" and it's just going

to get destroyed anyway!

Wow. That's a much sadder story

when it's not told from
the bull's perspective.

I guess today might be
a little bit our fault, too.

We did kinda wreck
the pool last year,

and we do kinda
wreck a lot of nice stuff.

Like the time you
rented a bounce castle

for my birthday
and I used it to test

whether a wolverine and
a squirrel could be friends.

Maybe we ought to all
bury the hatchet, go home,

and watch the end
of the "All Cave-Ins"

marathon on the Chimney Channel?

- I would love that.
- Should we head out?

- [all exclaim] - Why are
you here? Are you okay?

Long story short, ate
a key, got new pants,

came pretty close to
singeing off my nips.

- And they released you?
- Well, I'm supposed to stay

until I pass the key, but I
know my body, and we got time.

Shotgun.

[Honeybee] How about next year,

we can all save
up, but we'll order

two Tobin family pools.

One that's calm and one
that's absolutely chaotic.

And a third for peeing.

- And one for pooping.
- Ooh, and what about one

that's an aquatic arts
studio, just for me.

Oh, and we can do one
filled with spicy turkey chili

for when we get hungry.

- All great ideas.
- You know what,

let's just order a
dozen and we'll

figure it out when
they get here.

♪ From 7:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m. ♪

♪ Those chimneys
gonna be cavin' in ♪

[announcer] We've
gone crazy for cave-ins.

Tune in this Saturday all day

for 24 back-to-back episodes

featuring all your favorite
chimney cave-ins.

Crumbles, tumbles, slips,

slides, dusty, musty.

These chimneys go busty.

We know you're cravin'
those cave-ins

and we've got you covered.

So grab some snacks
and watch em' collapse.

♪ From 7:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m. ♪

♪ Those chimneys gonna
be caving in! ♪

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