All language subtitles for roseanne_s09e22_arsenic_and_old_mom

Dan, wake up.

Somebody's at the door.

Dan, wake up.

How the hell could it be at two in the
morning?

I don't know, but whoever it is, they're
not going away.

Oh, I had the weirdest dream.

It was, I finished my boat.

Yeah, that really was a dream.

I caught this big fish, teeth, and it
kept biting me. I think it was a

barracuda. Anyway, it wouldn't stop
biting me. What do you think that means?

Mom!

What doesn't kill us is making us
stronger.

We're gonna last longer than that
greatest wall in China.

Oh, that's rapping with a drum.

If there's one thing that I've earned
while waiting for my turn,

it's that in each last of rainfalls, but
you also get some fun.

And we'll make out better than okay.

Yeah.

Why didn't you call us and tell us you'd
been released?

Well, there's only one phone for the
patients, and that's Mrs. Dempsey, the

with Alzheimer's.

She refused to get off the phone until
she remembered who she was talking to,

so... So I just... I gave up and I hit
the road.

Well, we're very happy to see you,
Audrey.

But, you know, we could have picked you
up at the airport.

Oh, I didn't fly. I came by bus.

The bus?

Mom, we...

We've got money now. We could have flown
you here.

Yeah, first class. Slippers, hot towels,
the works.

No, heavens, no, dear. I had a lovely
seat on the bus, and besides, I can't go

to the bathroom on a plane.

Those big blue blocks of poo -poo that
fall from the sky.

And they kill people.

I don't want to be responsible.

Mom, are you sure you're okay?

Oh, don't worry about me, dear. I'm just
so happy to be out of that place.

I really miss the simple things, you
know, like sitting down to a cup of tea

with my family and having a fork.

You know, you never know. how much you
miss the simple things until they're

wrenched from your hand.

So what do the doctors say? Do you need
any follow -up? No, they said I'm well.

Voila!

Yes, I don't need to go back there
anymore.

I'm 100 % completely cured.

Yes, I... In fact, I... I don't think I
ever needed to be there.

Don't worry.

We'll take very good care of your
mother.

That's great.

I'd skip and leap around with glee, but
it's three in the morning.

Yeah, come on, Audrey. Let me show you
to your room. Oh, no, dear.

Don't bother. I'll just sit here and
wait for you to wake up.

My son, I gave you life.

And you've made my life what it is
today.

First thing in the morning, I'm calling
the doctor.

Yeah,

yeah,

Dr. Esther House. Hi, this is Dan
Conner, Audrey Conner's son.

Yeah, yeah, thank you.

The reason I'm calling is because my
mother showed up here last night, and I

did.

Oh, you did?

Okay, so everything's all right then.

Okay, fine. Yeah, we were just a little
worried because she showed up here in

the middle of the night.

Okay, well, yeah, thank you. I guess
that's all I needed to know.

Thanks.

So what did the doctor say? He said he
signed the release form himself, and

she's going to be fine.

As long as she keeps taking her
medication.

See, honey, I told you, everything's
okay. You've got nothing to worry about.

She's as normal as you or me.

Mom! Mom!

Mom! Mom!

What are you doing?

Just whacking some nuts.

Um, you're cooking?

You don't know how to cook?

Well, of course I do, dear. I read
somewhere if you can read, you can cook.

I'm making some pancakes for my Danny
boy.

Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes, the
pipes.

Is the batter supposed to be all lumpy
like that? No, dear, that's just a nut.

Well, it looks yummy, yummy, but I'm
afraid I can't eat pancakes.

What? I'm on kind of a diet.

Oh, come on.

One isn't going to kill you.

No, I gotta be good.

But I'm sure the rest of the family will
just love it. No!

This was meant for you.

And if you're not going to have it, then
nobody else is going to have it.

such a wonderful time this afternoon.

Darlene and David's little girl is so
beautiful.

Yeah, she sure is. That little girl's
gonna break a lot of hearts.

Yes, children are good at that, aren't
they?

This is so nice, isn't it? Just being
together like this.

Sure is.

Yes, when you were a little boy, you'd
come and put your head in my lap and

just sit and talk things.

Yeah.

Do you remember when I used to bring you
out to the party to do the twist?

One time.

One time you threw up on your father's
boss.

Yeah. Mr. Creighton, remember?

Yeah, Mr. Creighton. I had that real bad
flu and you dragged me out of bed.

It's almost like you wanted me to throw
up on Mr. Creighton. You hated him.

No, I didn't hate him, dear. I thought
he was a moron.

There's a big difference, you see. When
you hate someone, well, you almost have

this violent feeling.

But when you think they're morons, you
just hope for their unhappiness and

failure. That's the difference.

But you never listen to your old mother.

Yeah, that was the most humiliating
night of my life.

Not as humiliating as trying to eat a
steak with a spoon in a cafeteria with a

bunch of nervous patients.

We'll take very good care of your
mother.

Mom, what do you say we bury the
hatchet?

I didn't know you had a hatchet.

Where is it, dear?

Mom, it's just an expression. We don't
have a hatchet.

It means we just stop arguing.

Oh, dear, we're not arguing. We
understand each other perfectly.

At least I understand you. You've never
understood me. You always overreacted to

my little eccentricities.

And if you throw someone into the
hospital, be sure you get a second

Well, my, wasn't that a nice chat?

I'll just go and take a little nap.

Do you tell me, do you have a space
heater because it gets so chilly in the

basement? Yeah, I think we got one out
in the garage.

Thank you.

Okay, now the point is to sit close
enough to the movie so it fills your

field of vision.

But the trade -offs are a foreshortened
image and an inoptimal reception of the

THX sound.

My goodness, in my day, we just worried
about sitting behind somebody with a

hat.

Rosa, Elizabeth, Xanax, you've got a
pretty good mix there.

Not polite to read somebody else's
prescription labels here.

Oh, well, I didn't read the labels. I
recognized pills.

You've taken these?

No, my mom has. Plifmer, Lil, Xanax,
Rispinol, Haldol, Therazine, you name

My goodness, what did she need them for?

Oh, she's a little whacked.

You know, so whenever she felt bad,
she'd just pop every pill and hope that

of them would make her feel better.

You know, Heather, we gotta go.

DJ, the movie's not for another two
hours.

Oh, no, are we really that late?

What are you kids having to leave so
early for?

Oh, we're going to go see Return of the
Jedi.

Yeah, you must have heard of it,
Grandma. It's a late 70s sci -fi genre

Yeah, but so are Star Wars and The
Empire Strikes Back, and you weren't

as excited to see them.

Yeah, well, it does have a few features
the other two lack.

Yeah, like what?

Well, you know, advancements in special
effects and sound quality and a whole

lot of things with Princess Leia in a
bikini.

I'm sorry. I don't know why I did that.

What's going on? I thought I heard glass
breaking.

You didn't hear me yelling. I couldn't
get the door open.

Well, to go out a door, you do what you
did to get in, only backwards.

Honey, this is serious. Somebody turned
a motorcycle on, and if I hadn't have

broken that glass, I would have died in
there.

Well, yeah, or you could just have
turned the motorcycle off. I did. By

the whole place was filled with exhaust.

Well, I always said that motorcycle was
dangerous.

You know what?

I don't think this was an accident.

Don't be ridiculous, Dan. You probably
just locked yourself in there. Somebody

had to close that door.

Doors just don't shut by themselves.

Somebody like the wind?

Yes, and I suppose Mr.

Wind started the motorcycle up, too.

Honey, I think my mom's trying to kill
me.

Okay, don't be ridiculous, Dan. How much
of that exhaust did you breathe in?

Apparently not as much as she wanted me
to.

That is crazy.

Why would she want to do something like
that?

I think she's still mad at me for
putting her in the hospital. Dan, that

over 20 years ago. I'm sure she's over
it by now.

I think she's still getting in for me.

You know, you really need to stop
blaming your mother for all of your

Honey, the woman just got out of the
hospital.

Yeah, out.

Remember? The doctor told us she was
fine.

No, the doctor told us she was fine as
long as she keeps taking her medication.

Maybe she stopped.

Well, I really think that you're worried
about nothing, Dan.

But just to be safe, maybe you want to
start tearing around a whistle?

Hey, come on, Heather, let's go. God,
would you relax?

We've got plenty of time.

No, we don't. The Lanford Sci -Fi Club
has been lined up since yesterday.

Now, wait a minute. Since you leave
those swords here, you certainly can't

them to the theater with you.

Yeah, we can. They're just toys.

Besides, I like to see them try and take
it away from me.

Come on, DJ.

Let's see who's the real... Can I knight
him?

Grandma, this is not real. Put your hand
on your hip like Al Flynn.

I'm going to get you.

Isn't it time for your medication?

Thank you.

Thank you for reminding me.

Here, Audrey, let me get you a glass of
water. Oh, I'd be lost without you two.

I'd hate to forget my pills.

Okay, I'm going to go take a shower.

Where's that big white towel?

It's in the linen cabinet.

Only it's a gray towel now.

I just can't believe it when people
don't see what's right in front of their

face.

Well, that was just marvelous.

I don't remember the park having that
many flowers.

Well, the last time we went... Wait a
minute.

Have we ever been to that park before?

Oh, it's so relaxing just being outdoors
on a lovely spring day. Thank you very

much for taking me.

Oh, I'm glad you enjoyed it, Audrey.

I'm going to make a nice pot of tea.

Dan, I told you your mother's totally
fine. You just totally overreacted.

I got to admit, she was great today.

Yeah, you know, the kids were probably
just playing in the garage, and they

turned the bike on and forgot to turn it
off. Your mom had nothing to do with

it. Yeah, you're probably right.

Yeah, what was I thinking?

I don't know, but, you know, at least
now you don't have to worry. You can

relax and enjoy your mom's visit.

Yeah. I'm going to go put Jerry down for
a nap.

And I made you some.

did you get this lovely thing, dear?
Look, look how it looks like a rainbow

the lights coming through.

Sure does.

You always did love art, didn't you,
dear?

I did.

Darling, you remember the lovely
necklace that I promised you when I was

macrame from the teabag strings?

Quiet!

That woman's trying to kill me. I'm
telling you, I watched her at that

door. That's it.

I'm calling the hospital.

She's going back.

Don't call the hospital, Dan. They can
take away any one of us.

Oh, I'm sorry, dear.

I thought you were Dan.

exercise at the hospital.

Okay, you're gonna think this sounds
crazy, you know, but Dan thinks you're

trying to kill him.

Oh, dear, no.

I'm not going to kill him. I'm going to
bury him alive.

Okay, I know you're kidding when you say
stuff like that, you know, but it's

really spooking Dan.

Oh, yes, yes. I considered spooking him
to try to make him have another heart

attack. But then I knew I couldn't count
on that.

So, you see, now I'm very excited about
burying him alive.

Now you're spooking me.

Roseanne, Dan has to pay. Pay for
locking me up. I was there for years.

I was there for years. And I was stifled
and suffocated. And I was kept in the

dark. And now I've fallen in love with
him.

Bury him.

A live plan.

No, you can't be serious.

I am serious.

Anyway, he's taken away my life. Now
I've got to take away his.

It's such a lovely knife for it, don't
you think?

Okay, that's enough. Okay, now give me
the show. No.

No, but then, then, then, I'll give you
the shovel, and then you can help me

bury him alive if you'd like.

Um, okay, that's enough talk about
burying Dan alive, okay? Just give me

shovel. No, no, no. I'm giving it. No.
Damn shovel.

Damn. What are you doing? What is that?
What is it?

cool if Grandma did build us a barbecue
pit.

Yeah. I haven't had s'mores since I was
a brownie.

This is fun. Why don't you two go get
the graham crackers?

How are you doing there, Audrey?

Oh, it's wonderful now that they've
tripled my dosage. I feel so much

That's great. But Mom, remember, you
gotta keep at it.

Oh, don't worry, dear. No more trying to
kill my day.

Okay, who's ready?

Oh, I am. I am. I am. I am.

Oh,

dear.

Delicious.

Oh, that is so much better than trying
to make them with a hair dryer.

I was just thinking that same thing.

Hmm? Your mom's out of her freaking
mind.

Roseanne, people with glass mothers
shouldn't throw stones.

Bye.