All language subtitles for roseanne_s09e21_the_truth_be_told

I'm gonna have to call you back.

The subject on the Ricky Lake show is
too fat to be a drag queen.

Mom, mom, mom!

It's Maggie Channel 4.

You're not gonna believe this.

Hollywood Tonight has learned that all
of Hollywood is in a feverish bidding

for the rights to the life story of
Illinois lottery winner Roseanne Conner.

That's you, that's you!

Oh my God, turn that off!

Hello?

Yeah, this is her.

What?

DJ, it's some network guy from Los
Angeles, Howard Morton. Oh, even I've

of him. Wow.

Uh, yeah, yeah.

Okay, well, uh, oh.

Could you hold on a minute, Howard? I've
got another call.

Hello?

Yeah, yeah, it is.

You're from where?

Oh, well, isn't that a cable station?

Listen, could you hold a minute? I've
got a real network on the other line.

Yeah, Howard, hello.

Um, no.

I really don't have any people that
could call your people.

Um, why don't you just come here and
talk to me yourself?

All right, then.

Thank you.

DJ?

A star is born.

What doesn't kill us is making us
stronger.

We're gonna last longer than that
greatest wall in China.

Oh, that's rapping with a drum If
there's one thing that I've earned

While waiting for my turn It's that in
each last of rainfalls But you

also get some fun And we'll make out
better than okay Hear

what I say Yeah!

I can't believe the department store
delivered all these clothes.

Yes, along with my own clothes boy.

God, I wonder what I'm going to wear to
try to impress this network guy.

Well, this looks very effective. Oh,
that is divine.

Now, see, that is something that you
should maybe wear when you have your

picture in TV Guide.

Hey, hey, I'm going for the cover.

I need something a little more bold.

Perhaps this.

Oh, that's great.

Now, you know who you'd look like.

That Anna Nicole Smith.

That's who should play me.

See?

She's seen her share of pain, and yet
she's still beautiful.

And smart enough to hook herself up with
some old coot that's got both feet in

the grave.

Gently, gently.

Hey, hey, hey.

I'm paying for it.

Just, uh...

Can't decide. I think I'm partial to
this one. I just decided who should play

me. Jacqueline Smith.

She's the queen of the MOWs.

I don't know. I just cannot decide.

Shall I have another truckload brought
over?

Hey, hey, hey. Look who's slacking now.

Hey, this is my meeting, not yours.

Just relax. I just want to meet him.

Although TV isn't my medium of choice,
it doesn't hurt to make a few future

connections.

Hello, hello.

I trust I am now entering Hollywood
East.

Oh, Scott, you look great. You look just
like a lawyer. Well, I am a lawyer.

Oh, these dresses are fabulous.

Is this what you're going to be wearing?

You know, you are so...

I find a guy who can pick out the
perfect dress and close a great big

movie deal. Oh, I don't know. Universal,
Warner Brothers, Paramount, Disney.

Maybe you must be so excited about
Roseanne's meeting today.

I'd be a lot more excited if I was
allowed to be there.

to be a fly on the wall.

Don't you worry now, Bev. I'm sure that
Scott will have all the gory details for

us. I know, but it is so infuriating.
She treats me like a child.

I mean, it's not like I would just blurt
out that I was a lesbian in front of a

complete stranger.

Can I help you?

I'm looking for Ms.

Beverly Harris.

That's me.

Oh, my name is Frank Andrews. I'm a
journalist, and I was hoping to get an

interview with you.

Really? Yes.

The mother of the woman who won the
lottery.

I think it's a very compelling story.

Bevy, where are your manners?

Why don't you invite the nice man in?

Hello. Hi, Leon Karp, and it's spelled
just like the fish.

And I'm Joyce.

L -E -V -I -N -E.

Levine. Levine.

So, what paper do you write for?

Oh, I'm freelance, actually. But I've
done stories for all the big

You know, Atlantic Monthly, The New
Yorker, People.

In that case, why don't you just sit
right down here by me, darling, and I

tell you all about Bevy. Well, now,
Joyce, I have known her a lot longer.

Oh, but I know her a lot better.

I want to hear from all of you, but I
think I'll start with Bev.

Oh, my, where shall we start?

Yeah, there's so many. I hope you have
more paper in the car.

We're having to charm the pants off of
these people.

This is a slam dunk.

Wow. What a remarkable piece of
sculpture.

Such a brash statement about the
inevitable failure of technology.

No, sir, that's a Buick on blocks.

Guess who?

Howard Morton, president of ABX.

And this is my associate, Bill Morris.

Hello.

This is unbelievable.

I've read your story over 15 times.

And every time I read it, I said, what
does Rosie look like? And this is what I

imagined. No, no, I'm... I know, I was
just talking to your brother.

What did I have for you?

ABX hats and T -shirts. And they're
free. In other words, they're not going

come out of the budget of this project.

Howard Morton.

Nice to meet you, sir.

Sit down.

We at ABX are so excited about your
movie of the week. And if it works, a

guaranteed series.

Well, now, hold on. My client hasn't
said yes yet.

Yeah, the guy here is, well, he's kind
of my lawyer for now, anyway.

Well, I didn't know they had
entertainment lawyers here in...

Actually, my field is probate law.

Now, I am particularly concerned what is
going to happen to my client's interest

in this project after she's dead.

Gee, Scott, I don't think after I'm dead
that I'm really going to be interested

in much of anything.

Look, let me make it clear to you what's
going on. First of all, isn't your

husband involved in this? Yes. Uh, Dan!

Whoa.

You shouldn't have drank those
milkshakes.

I think maybe we're going to have to...

Excuse my husband.

He just found out he's lactose
intolerant.

Oh,

God. Look, I feel that my client... Let
me tell you a little bit about myself,

okay? First of all, television is in my
blood from the ground up.

I graduated from Harvard.

I got a master's at Yale in drama.

I went to Carnegie Mellon and got a Ph
.D.

And how did you get involved with this
network?

A friend of my dad's got me the job.

Well, that's all very interesting, but
what we really want to hear about is

movie. Oh, give me that chart.

Hi. Oh, this is my son, DJ. DJ, this is
Mr.

Howard Morton. Mr. Morton, it's so nice
to meet you. I'm familiar with your body

of work.

Oh, thanks, BJ.

It's DJ.

I'm a filmmaker myself. I mean, I have a
reel here, if you wouldn't mind taking

a look at it.

And I think I have a unique voice.

Yeah, you do have a unique voice.

I'll show this to the executives, see
what they think.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very
much.

What's wrong with him?

Nothing.

Let's do the haircut.

Yes, anyway, you were about to tell us
about the movie.

Normally I don't get involved with this
garbage, but this is a fascinating

story.

Your profile was extremely low vis -a
-vis urban focus groups, but you're

curating outside the major metropolitan
areas.

especially among states with high levels
of lottery participation, was

significant enough for us to think the
right time slot could yield excellent

demographics, a strong rating, and a
very good audience share.

You're the lawyer. What did he say?

Well, I think I recognize the word
lottery.

Oh, my God. I'm screwed.

Don't worry, Roseanne. He's slick, but I
can handle him.

Mr. Morton, if you don't mind, let's
return for a moment to the time of my

client.

Could you just speak regular English to
us? I'm sure you must have picked that

up at Yale or Harvard or the Melon Ball
School.

I'm going to talk slower and louder.

Okay?

You're blue -collar.

Middle America is blue -collar.

Americans want to see themselves on
television.

Got it? Yes, got it.

Who would you like to see play Rosie?

I got a surprise for you.

What if I said Melanie Griffith?

Melanie Griffith? I knew you were going
to say that. You don't think we can get

her. I've already sent her the story,
and she loves it. And her husband loves

it. Can you believe that? The cover of
TV Guide?

Rosie starring Melanie Griffith and Don
Johnson?

She's not even married to Don Johnson
anymore.

Oh, that's right. Antonio Bonaduce.

Yeah, that means we'll get the Partridge
family following. This is a guaranteed

hit. Okay, you've got to be kidding me,
right?

Because... Melanie Griffith looks
nothing like me.

Roxy, we can't have fat people on TV.

What about Rosie?

Who? Rosie Greer. Not Rosie Greer.
That's the one O .J. confessed to. Rosie

O'Donnell. Who's he?

Daytime. Oh, fat works in daytime. It
doesn't work in prime.

Why is that?

Because. Because why?

Just because. That's why.

Okay, this really doesn't make any sense
at all. Just a minute ago, you were

saying that the American people want to
see a reflection of themselves on TV.

Look, Roseanne, I don't want the fat to
come between us.

We'll compromise.

Oprah.

Oprah's black.

Don't you see why that's brilliant? If
it doesn't work on our network, we can

sell it to Fox.

Well, Oprah lost all her weight.

Do you have a dog?

No, that smells from the old carpet.

We got a girl stuck in a well in Idaho.

Get the rights to it. We might want to
animate it for Saturday morning.

Now listen to me.

What we do on our network that no other
network does is we put humor into

everything so the whole family can
watch.

I'll give you an example. A guy is
married for 30 years, all right? True to

wife. He's at the Christmas parties.

And there's his wife brushing her teeth.

He said, honey, what's going on?

She said, quiet, you'll wake my mother.

Well, my God, that's horribly offensive.

Of course it is. It's cable crap.

We don't do that on ABX. That's what I'm
trying to tell you. You've got to do

your story with us.

Well, but you're not even talking about
my story anymore.

You guys said you wanted to do a real
story about my family.

Roseanne, the base characters are your
family. But we have to make them

attractive. Nobody in their right mind
is going to want to look at you.

Mr. Morton, may I point out that any
waiver of legatee obligation without

facie evidence of equalized
participation would constitute a nunc

agreement. Yeah, exactly.

What did you say? I'm not sure. I just
want to let him know we can be

too.

Let me simplify you.

It's friends meets party of five meets
Savannah.

Bingo.

So you're saying that it'll be about a
bunch of bulimics and two shows that

nobody watches.

I have been doing this for a long time.

Over a year and a half.

And I know what the American public
wants to see.

Well, I really don't think you do,
Howard. You're talking to us like you

we're a bunch of hicks. But you're the
real hick. You're totally out of touch

with what the American people want.

I get what's going on here.

Chubby is incredibly difficult to deal
with.

Now, look, I feel... You know,

I want to say one more thing before I
leave, and I'm sure you'll agree with

That was one fantastic meeting.

All we have to do is have lunch, iron
out a few details, and we've got a smash

movie. Don't lose any weight, Melanie.

Good luck at Little League.

I think we've got him just where we want
him. Let me type up my notes.

Great taste.

Howard. Bobby.

How's the softball team?

We're still undefeated.

Boy, you still got the grips.

Hi, Mrs. Connor.

I'm Bobby Barrows, president of the Home
Movie Channel Cable Network.

Yeah, sit down.

Well, looks like we got ourselves
another one.

It's absolutely true.

Roseanne stole a gallon jar of
mayonnaise from Rod Belt.

She claimed that she borrowed it.

Well, for that matter, she also borrowed
an 18 -pound salami.

That must have been some sandwich.

of marijuana.

And at first, she thought that it
belonged to David.

You see, he and Darlene were having sex,
so Roseanne let him live in the

basement.

Anyway, it turned out not to be David's
after all. Remember it was Roseanne?

Now, was that before or after DJ stole
the car?

With Roseanne, it's all just a blur.

Oh, I haven't had so much fun since I
opened for Jamie Farr at the Silver

Slipper.

I must be off.

But you have all been just delightful.

This story practically writes itself.

Could you tell us when it's going to
come out?

Trust me, you won't be able to miss it.

So I guess the bottom line is this. We
at HMC are very eager to do a movie

your life story.

Well, I didn't figure that you were here
to give us free cable.

Can you get us free cable?

Ms. Barrows, we've already had a meeting
with the president of ABX. Yeah, and he

had an assistant who came right up to
his elbow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I go back a long way with Howard.

Let me guess. He told you he loves your
story, but he just wants to change a few

things. Is that right?

No fat people, no gay people. He
basically just wants to sanitize your

life. Am I right?

That's pretty much exactly what he said.

Of course he did.

And that's exactly why you gotta go with
Cable.

Now, we can't pay you the same kind of
money the network can pay you, but what

do you care? You got $108 million.

We can give you something that the
network can't. The chance to tell your

complete, as it is, totally uncensored.

Well, that is what I want, you know. I
mean, if I decide to do it. Well, I'm

sure you're familiar with some of our
critically acclaimed shows.

Our expose on the white supremacist in
Montana.

Our ten -part series on the life of
Beethoven.

And all the naked movies on Friday
night. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Driving Friday nights.

Hey, are you guys really going to get
Pamela Lee to host?

We're in talks with her, yes.

We can feature all different kinds of
programming because we're not slaves to

the ratings.

The only thing we have to care about is
that our subscribers get their payments

in on time.

Ms. Barrows, I'm a lawyer, and even
though I specialize in probate law...

Listen, if your client dies, your
family's still in for 100 % of the

okay? Well, that answers all my
questions.

So, I could really have my story told
uncensored?

Absolutely. For example, I understand
that when you told your husband the news

about the lottery when you were wearing
your bra.

Yes, he was.

He was. I was there.

Now, you see, on our network, you could
be topless.

Or even totally nude if you wanted to
be.

And instead of saying, gee whiz, I won
the lottery, you could say, well...

DJ, DJ, this is Miss Burroughs. Miss
Burroughs? Wow, I mean, familiar with

body of work.

Yeah, thanks, kid.

You know, I'm a filmmaker myself. I have
a reel here if you wouldn't mind taking

a look at it. I think I have a unique
voice.

Yeah, yeah, I'll have one of my
development execs take a look at it.

thank you, thank you very much.

Thanks, thanks. Good, good.

What's wrong with her?

Nothing!

Must be the haircuts.

All right, so where was I? Let me see
now.

Nudity, profanity. Oh, yeah, gay people.

We love the fact that your daughter is
gay.

Well, no, actually, it's our mother
that's gay.

Yeah, well, that's fine, but the
daughter has got to be gay, the pretty

one.

Well, my daughter is not gay.

Look, doll.

There's got to be a reason here why
we're going on to cable. Do you

Picture this.

You get the news of the lottery win, and
there comes your daughter and Drew

Barrymore in the shower together.

Okay, that's enough.

Stop. That's enough.

Let me just shorthand this for you.

This is biography meets dream on by way
of the Red Shoe Diaries. Get it? Yeah,

I get it.

I get it totally. You're exactly like
the network guy. He wants to totally

me up and you want to totally sleaze me
up. Get out!

You know, you are a real...

But

you've got to admit this has been one
fantastic meeting.

I'll be in touch, baby. Ciao.

to watch the emmys this year trust me
you

won't be able to miss it