All language subtitles for roseanne_s09e17_some_enchanted_merger

Coffee's great. It's like regular
coffee, but like with the volume turned

Yeah, well, it's this Jamaican stuff
that Edgar told me about.

I think his dad used to own about half
of Jamaica.

When did you start grinding your own
beans?

Oh, you know, Edgar told me to do that.

He also said that you should keep the
beans in the freezer.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Well, don't drink it yet until I put the
cinnamon in there, because, you know,

that's... What Edgar does.

He's really funny when he's making the
coffee. You know, he kind of hums all to

himself. He stands there, you know, and
he's like, scoop, hum, scoop, hum.

Well, so you've been seeing a lot of
Edgar lately?

No, I haven't. Yeah.

Yeah, you've been over at his place,
like, um, every day since you met him.

That's working on the Wellman deal. God.

It's not like, you know, Edgar.

Oh, Edgar.

Edgar. Edgar.

Edgar.

What?

Well, what?

Look at it. You've said his name like a
dozen times already this morning. Yes,

you have.

What, do you have a problem with hearing
the name Edgar? No. I'm thinking,

though, that you might be getting to
develop a little crush on the guy.

Ow!

Let's go drive by his house.

If there's one thing that I've heard
while waiting for my turn, it's that

in each life there's a rainbow, but you
also get some sun that will make us

better than okay.

Hear what I say?

Yeah, I do.

Look, Jackie, I think I'm a little too
old to have a crush on anybody.

That is so lame. The guy is gorgeous and
you know it, so just admit it.

No, he is. He's really cute, isn't he?

He kind of reminds me of, like, Gary
Cooper or something, you know, one of

cowboy types that would actually, like,
tip his hat when he passes a lady.

Listen to you.

You're, like, that far away from
doodling his name in your yearbook.

good -looking. I mean, he's extremely
good -looking. You know, I'm just trying

to help you out here, because you are
really vulnerable right now. You know,

with Dan being gone, and you're alone a
lot.

Jackie, I don't do vulnerable.

Well, all right.

Fine. Whatever, you know. But you don't
have to admit that part of it. Just let

me give you a little piece of advice.

Take it slow.

Um, listen.

Once the whole Wellman deal is complete,
Me and Edgar will probably never even

see each other again.

Yeah, you're probably right.

I mean, I might have to call him once or
twice to see how things are going. I

mean, I did give the guy one million
dollars.

You're a lucky man, Edgar.

I have money, but I don't have what
you've got.

and there are things that money can't
buy.

Not very many.

Nice shot.

So, I'll just read over the contract and
sign it and we're all set, huh?

Why don't you just not worry your pretty
little head about stuff like that and

just go right ahead and sign it. Oh, if
there's one thing my old man taught me,

it's to read something over before I
sign it.

See, through the fourth quarter,
compounded annuit, parties obligated

a minute, what's this? See, this doesn't
even concern you at all. Just go right

ahead there, sign it.

I must be reading this wrong, because
according to this, after you give me the

million bucks and I pay off the bank
loan, I have to sleep with you.

No, that's not what we agreed to.

Hey, did you think I was just giving you
the money? How stupid do you think I

am? Hey, hey, hey.

Money will come and go, okay? But this
night is going to last forever.

Now sign the damn thing and get them
pants off.

Hey, Gage. How you hitting him?

How am I hitting what?

No, no, no. It's another way of saying,
how you doing? You know, they call it an

allegory.

Can you, uh... I mean, uh, Phillips
said... Cheers.

Not so good.

What? I'm not hitting him so good.

Yeah, I know. When I was your age, man,
I had a lot on my mind. Then I got a

little older and it went away.

So what's up there, big guy?

It's Heather.

We've been hanging out for a while now.

Everything's going great. We really like
each other.

Hey, stop right there, kid. You came to
the right guy.

I know women. I married one.

Been up and down that road.

Busted a couple of tires. Even broke an
axle or two.

We get the analogy, then get to the
point.

Hey, hey, look, I'm just trying to help
you out here, kid. You know, women are

tricky, and you're still wet behind the
neck.

I'm sorry.

Look, it's all right, all right?

Look, I want to help you, okay?

I don't want to waste my valuable time
unless you really, really like this

Yeah, I do. I really, really do.

Okay, so what's the problem?

All right, she went to Chicago with her
mother and didn't even tell me till the

day before.

Come on, she's 15 years old. Give her a
break, you know. She's still got to do

what her mother says.

Yeah, I know, but there's other stuff.

Like when we go out, she always wants to
pick where we go.

Well, who cares as long as you're out
with her and she's looking good.

Okay. I guess what gets me, she's all
opinionated. Doesn't even care if I

with her or not.

Dump her.

There's more to this Edgar thing than
you're letting on.

Okay, just have a seat, okay?

And I'm going to tell you something.

And I do not want you to freak out or
smirk at me or pop out your eyes or any

that weird stuff. Okay, okay, just
sitting.

Maybe I do have a crush on him.

Shut up!

Sorry, you know, no reaction, no
reaction.

Maybe I do have feelings for him, you
know, and it's freaking me out because I

still love Dan and I still think I hear
him in the house. Okay, let me say, let

me ask one question.

You better be careful.

Does Edgar know that you feel this way?

No!

Of course he doesn't, because whenever
I'm with him, I just babble like an

and stare at his teeth.

I mean, the guy's been everywhere. He's
done everything. He's been around the

world. See, that's my point, you see.

What I'm thinking now, he's sown his
wild oats. See, now he might be looking

something a little more earthy.

What's that? A nice way of saying fat?

All right. Now, you love Dan, and yet
you're attracted to Edgar.

So, this becomes the question.

Do you encourage that with Edgar and
open up that whole can of worms, or do

shut out all your feelings about Edgar,
you see, and hold everything down deep

inside to be buried for the rest of your
days, and then deal with that? Put a

lid on it, okay?

Yeah. Because you're making me even more
scared than I was when I first talked

to you.

I mean, you know, the last time I went
out with somebody, it lasted for 25

years. Well, see, that went pretty well,
didn't it?

Did he ask you on a date? No.

No, and I could never go on a date
anyway.

I mean, that would be like going back in
the workforce after your kids have gone

off to college or prison or wherever.

No, it's not that bad.

Yeah, it is. It's like a whole new
technology.

It's like if you got trained on a
typewriter and now everybody's using

computers. I wouldn't even know where to
put my fingers.

No, that would all come back to you. But
see, now what I'm thinking is... You

know, you and Edgar actually have a lot
more in common than you realize. The two

of you saved Wellman's Plastics
together, let alone the whole town.

Oh.

Yeah, well, I guess I never thought
about it like that.

May I present to you the First Lady de
Lamport.

Rosita Duarte de Wellman.

Workers of Wellman, I know you're
suffering.

I am one of you.

Or I was one of you until I got really
rich and could afford to buy all these

cool gowns.

The fact is, the general...

for me, Wellman Plastics.

The fact is, I finally bought you.

We're simple people with blue collars
who just happen to have

108 million dollars.

yeah so she uh she's independent and you
don't want to dump her your only

choice tamer you tell me how to do that
i'm sure i tamed your sister didn't i

she's a connor woman let me tell you
there ain't no freaking night in france

what do i do all right rule number uno
don't let him dress you Okay? Like

this one time Becky wanted me to wear
this tie to this fancy restaurant,

I didn't.

So we get there, the maitre d' doesn't
let us in.

We get home, she went to the bedroom
crying. I ate a TV dinner like I wanted

in the first place.

Weren't you worried she'd be mad?

Oh, no, no. See, I smoothed things out
later that night, huh?

Which brings us to rule numero two.

The man controls the romance.

Like how?

Oh, God, like say Becky's kissing me on
the neck, all right?

Even though I like it, I tell her I'm
busy, I shrug it off.

Okay, now, I don't get this.

You like it, so why do you pretend you
don't?

Well, it's all about control.

You got to let her know that you're
making the decisions here, right?

Later on, she's that much more eager.

Wow.

Rule C.

If she says to you, I love you, right,
whatever you do, you don't say it back

her, because then she's got you.

Just say, me too, or ditto.

What does that get you?

Respect.

Right? And it'll make them try that much
more harder next time.

You know, sure, they might get fed up
with you once in a while, cut you off,

know, sometimes a week, maybe two.

Once, even 46 days.

But the beauty... part of it is they're
cutting themselves off too, right?

So who's the loser there?

I'm not sure any of this stuff is going
to work on Heather, though.

Of course it will, man. All women are
the same.

Of course, some have bigger boobs, eh,
Mark?

Now you're catching on, baby.

Well, I think that about does it.

The employee buyout of Wellman Plastics
is complete.

Workers of the world, unite!

It's Miller time!

Oh, would you settle for champagne?

Whoa, I'm so impressed.

You've got your own bucket thingy. Oh,

you've done something great here,
Roseanne.

Well, I figure I owed it to the factory.
After all, it did suck the life out of

me for 12 years.

Well, that's all going to change now
that the employees are working for

themselves.

I think we should have a toast.

Oh, I know. To the people of Argentina.

What?

Oh, that's just some old saying in my
family.

So now that the whole buyout deal is
complete, I'll let you...

get back to whatever in the hell it was
you were doing before you started going

around saving all these factories.

Oh, hey, this has been great. You know,
I got to tell you, I really enjoyed

spending time with you.

Yeah? Yeah.

Well,

then, you know, maybe we could still
spend time together, you

know, if that's what we both, you know,
kind of...

He longs that you stick on that fire.

Yeah, I guess it is getting a little
warm in here.

What were we talking about?

That we don't have to quit spending time
together because we've just finished

our business.

Yeah, because you are really easy to be
with.

So are you. Thanks.

No, really, I've felt this connection
with you.

You know much about Eastern philosophy?

No. Oh, you mean much?

No. Well, you know that I lived in the
ashram for a year, and ever since we

I just had this feeling that, a strange
feeling that we've met somewhere before.

But, well, this is silly.

No.

No, that's okay. You know, you can keep
going. I'll just have more to drink.

Well, I think we must have known each
other in another lifetime.

I look in your eyes, and I see deeper
than you that's sitting right here in

front of me.

Does that make sense?

Well, yeah, I mean, you know, it sounds
okay when you say it.

I mean, if somebody else said it, I'd
think they were full of crap.

How come you never got married?

I don't know. I guess I never found the
right woman.

Well, I mean, you certainly had a lot of
opportunities, right? I mean, look at

you. Sure, I've had opportunities, but
they were all on a superficial level.

I'll bet you feel that way sometimes.

Oh, yeah. I mean, only every single
minute of my life.

I mean, you know, I'm really tough on
the outside and everything, but I don't

know.

I've always wondered what it would be
like, you know, just for one day to be

that girl that all the guys are staring
at, you know, the one that they can't

take their eyes off of.

I've never told anybody that before.

Oh, thanks for taking me into your
confidence.

I'm honored, Roseanne.

God, it's been so great working with
you.

It's just been great.

Roseanne, I can't take my eyes off of
you.

you been?

It's four o 'clock in the morning. For
all I know, you could have been rolled

into somewhere.

I was just about to start to call
hospitals.

Hey, be quiet, okay? You're going to
wake everybody in the whole house.

Hospitals? This is Lanford. There's only
one hospital.

You had me worried sick.

Well, ground me and take the car away
for a month.

All right, what happened?

Come here.

What do you do?

Pump you full of booze and turn on the
charm?

Do we have anything to eat around here?
Because I'm starving.

Oh, no.

All right, stop playing with me. I want
to know what happened. I want to know

right now.

Oh, Jackie.

Edgar is such a great person, you know?
He's nice. He's funny.

He's really smart.

God, he's so good looking. Yeah, I know
that.

I... Sit down.

You tell me the part that I don't know.

All right, well, you know, a part of me
just wanted to go ahead and just do it,

you know?

I mean, I even imagined the two of us
together. It was incredible.

I saw rockets lifting. I saw fireworks.
I saw waves crashing against the shore.

I saw great big trees of doughnuts.

It was awesome.

But it was all in my head.

You know, the part of me that was
sitting there.

I just shook his hand, and I stayed
there talking for a couple hours. And

just walked away?

Wow.

I don't know, Jackie. I just couldn't.

I'm just an old married lady, you know.
Can't fool around.

Maybe I would have met Edgar another
time, another place, you know, one of

stories. But I didn't, and it didn't,
and it doesn't, and here I am. Boom.

No regrets?

Yeah, I got a lot of regrets.

I'm going to cherish every one of them.

Well, I'm going to go.

Oh, would you just stay with me, Jackie?

I know I'm not going to be able to
sleep, you know, for days, probably.

All right.

You're stale.

Jackie, Argentina, okay?

And it's not the one with all the
rainforests or the one with all the

Hey, Mark.

Took your advice about Heather.

Great. I have to thank me.

She called me a pig and kicked me out of
her house.

That's perfect.

You got it right where you want her.

She's going to call you tomorrow and
tell you that she's sorry.

She left a headless pin doll in my
locker.

Oh, man, that's even better.

Dee, this girl really digs you.

No, I don't think so. I think she's
really mad.

Of course she is. She's miserable. She
can't stop thinking about you.

Look, I'm the one who's miserable. I'm
going to call her and apologize.

Hey, kid.

What are you, gay?

Look, we've got to think of ways to keep
this thing going here.

Got it. You walk by a house holding
another girl's hand.

How do you come up with this stuff?

It's a gift.