All language subtitles for roseanne_s09e14_hit_the_road_jack

Yeah, at 79 cents a minute, this better
be good.

Hi, it's me. Where are you?

I'm just driving around, avoiding Dan.

I tried staying at home and just
avoiding his hot spots, you know,

fridge.

What do you know?

He's in the shower.

Feel free to flush.

Maybe I should just come home.

Well, I mean...

What else can you possibly say to the
guy?

Don't forget your swim trunks.

Oh, and don't rush back here. You know,
the kids are still at mom's, and you

just have to clear your head. That is
the most important thing that you can do

right now.

I guess you're right. I mean... It's not
a trip to the post office with a

newsie, but I guess it'll have to do.

Hey, before he gets out of the shower...
Don't worry.

I'll hide the towels.

What doesn't kill us is making us
stronger.

We're gonna last longer than that
greatest wall in China.

Hold that rabbit with a drum.

If there's one thing that I've heard
while waiting for my turn,

it's that each light of a rainbow.

But you also get some sun that will make
us better than okay.

Oh, you're in here.

I was going to make a sandwich.

Be my guest.

No, I'll wait.

No, I'm hungry. I... I'll wait.

Pass the bologna?

Loretta?

It's wet. You didn't dry it off.

Sorry.

Um, Jackie? Dan, given the situation
between you and Roseanne, I think it's

that we don't talk.

You mean to each other or just in
general?

I just mean that it's a very unpleasant
situation, and it's probably going to

remain that way.

Well...

Perhaps a short discussion on world
famine might be in order.

You're still talking.

Well, I was just going to tell you that
I licked that knife.

Damn it, Dan.

Don't, don't make me laugh.

Come on, Jack. We've been friends for
over 25 years.

Well, I've been Roseanne's sister all my
life.

Well, look, I don't know.

If I'm supposed to apologize to you or
anything, but if I am, then I do.

Wait a minute.

That used to be Dairy Queen.

What, they turned it into a carpet
store?

You've got to be kidding me.

Hello, can I take your order?

Uh, yeah.

I'll have a rooster bucket.

Crispy or soft?

Uh, crispy.

Regular or deluxe?

What's the difference?

I'll take a diet orange super silo.

Okay, would you like that with or
without the lid?

Duh, without the lid so that I can spill
it all over myself.

Okay, so that's one RV, an MC with a soy
chili pepper sauce and an OSS minus

lid. Would that be all?

Well, that was a joke about the lid.

What time does your plane leave?

4 .17, but they advise you to be at the
airport no later than 2 .36.

I'm going to clean the gutters today.

Oh, man, I was going to do that.

I'll do it.

Okay.

Bye, George.

I forgot, I'm a very wealthy man.

I shall hire the very finest gutter
cleaner out there in all of Lanford.

Except you won't be here, so I'll hire
somebody.

You know how to do that?

I can figure it out.

Why are you going?

Well, I told you, Deej. I gotta go back,
take care of my mom.

I thought she was doing a lot better.
Well, she is.

So why are you going back?

A hospital can only do so much, and she
needs me.

When are you gonna quit talking to me
like I'm stupid?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Look. Something bad is going on here,
and you can't pretend it's not. E .J.,

nothing bad is going on here.

Don't give me that crap. Your mom is
fine.

So why are you leaving? Hey, quit
yelling at me. Hey, quit lying to me.

told you, my mom is a very sick woman.

Fine. Don't tell me.

Wait. Wait.

There's some things that I need to get
straight in my head.

The hell does that mean?

I'm sorry, Deej. That's all I can say
right now.

You just hate me. Is that it? No, I
don't hate you.

You hate Mom? I love your mother. I love
you. I love Becky and Darlene and

Jerry. It isn't about that.

It's something I have to do. It's all
about me.

Right.

It's just about you.

Well, you'll understand someday.

Look, I understand plenty, Dad.

Have a nice trip.

Locally, an Elgin man rescued his wife
from the freezing waters of the Calumet

River. Jack Bowden said, I just jumped
in. I just want to live if she doesn't.

Hi, Dr. Susie. I guess I'm what you'd
call the other woman.

I've been with him for six years now,
and he's finally leaving his wife.

But I'm sort of feeling guilty about it.

How naive, caller. Trust me, he'll never
leave his wife. They never do.

I had four kids, for God's sake.

What did you expect, that I'm supposed
to have the very same body I did when I

was 20?

Well, actually, I do.

But he loved that body.

Who am I kidding? I don't even like
looking at myself naked.

The government is funding these rec
leagues to keep inner -city youth off

street. They have enough energy to play
midnight basketball, but they're too

tired to say a prayer at school in the
morning. Where's our America going?

Shut up, you fat ox.

Oh, my God.

They got rid of the donut shop, too.

Sorry. No, it's okay.

Oh.

That's all right. You take it. I've seen
Sid and Nancy before.

Me too. It's one of my favorites.

I think they put it on the wrong shelf,
though. I mean, this is with all the

Stallone, Schwarzenegger, $100 million
budget Hollywood media empire crap.

I was kind of looking for the
documentaries.

Oh, they're right over here.

They mix them with the foreign films.

Do you ever see Crumb?

God, I love this movie. This has to be
the most screwed up family ever.

about you, but I can really relate to
that.

Yeah.

You know, my sister used to have some R.
Crumb comics. She used to beat me up

for looking at them.

Oh, my God. Are they the originals? You
know, the ones from the 60s? Probably.

They smell funny.

Oh, here's a great French film. The
Delicatessen.

It's about a butcher who kills the
people who live over a shop, then he

them up and serves them to his
customers.

No way.

See, the message is, that's what our
inhuman society makes us do to each

I mean, we slice each other up and eat
each other.

Blood, guts, brains, and everything.

So, like, the message is, hey, hey, hey,
like, we suck.

Do you like Robert Rodriguez?

Oh, God, of course. He's like King of
the Independents. And Link later?

Totally. I mean, I saw soccer and
thought, how does this guy know me and

friends so well?

Felt the same way.

I'm Heather.

I'm DJ.

DJ. Ooh, initials but no name. I like a
mystery.

So it's DJ Stanford. Wait, wait, wait,
wait. Don't tell me.

You know, I don't like to brag or
anything, but I make videos.

Oh, wow. Me too, me too.

I want to make films that will, like,
change the world.

I mean, I love comedies, especially
silent ones. I mean, Chaplin, Harold

and of course... Of course, Buster
Keaton. That stone face, funny and

the same time, you know? Do you know he
was in Beach Blanket Bingo? God, can you

believe that great guy was in that
crappy movie?

I bet you we know a lot of the same
stuff.

I bet.

So, Scorsese, what kind of films are you
going to make?

I'm thinking documentaries, because I
just like turning on the camera around

house and seeing what I get.

It's way better than anything I could
think of. I love documentaries. Have you

seen Brother's Keeper?

It's amazing!

So, of course, it didn't get nominated
for an Oscar.

Of course.

Yeah, I think those Oscars are all
politics anyway.

They totally suck. I mean, it's just one
big fashion show. It has nothing to do

with serious filmmaking.

Yeah, I just sit there watching it every
year going, man, this bites.

Have you seen Microcosmos?

No, is it about something small?

No, it's this amazing documentary about
insects.

I mean, the people that made it, they
made their own special cameras so they

could film the insects from really close
up. No way. Okay, there's this ladybug,

and she's walking down the limb, right?
And the ants are on the limb, too, okay?

So the ants are, like, freaking out. No
way. And, like, they try to get the

ladybug. She kind of just closes herself
inside her shell. And then there are

these two bees, and they're, like, right
there. No way. And it's like there are

these two huge rhino beetles that get
into this really big fight. And, oh, my

God, the best part has the hottest, most
amazing love scene.

No way.

But only with snails.

No way.

I mean, it's totally amazing.

You just have to see it for yourself.

We should hang out together sometime and
watch it.

Yeah, sure.

How about this afternoon?

Today? Yeah, that sounds good.

Why don't you take whatever you want
from here, and then you can come over to

house later.

Sure. All right.

Here's where I live.

And here's my number.

Can you read that okay?

Oh, yeah, I read it was smaller than
that before, Ted.

I used to do that, but then I heard film
school doesn't care about grades.

Lonesome. Lonesome and thinking about
you.

This whole town is full of idiots.

Yeah.

I mean, those jerks at school, the
people you meet on the street. I mean, I

like I'm totally on my own, you know?

It's just how I feel.

God, DJ, this is so great. I've just
never met another person who gets it.

I mean, a while back, I thought I was
connecting with this guy, so we started

talking about movies, of course, right?

Then he says he liked Independence Day.
I mean, how can you walk around on the

planet with somebody like that?

I hated Independence Day.

Yeah, I really don't have that many
friends I can trust anymore.

Not since my family won the lottery.

There's a great movie, The Lottery.

I don't know that one.

It's awesome.

It's about winning this lottery, right?
So at first everyone thinks it's a good

thing, but then at the end, the winner's
like stoned to death. No way.

You should check it out.

So your family really won the lottery,
huh?

Yeah.

How much was it?

108 million.

Wow.

Yeah.

I think it'd make everything great.

All day we'll screw everything up.

My family used to have money. We heard
our Spurber drugs, we used to own it.

What do you mean, used to have money?

What happened?

You know, my mom started using, first it
was Percocet, Valium, Xanax, you know,

stuff lying around the pharmacy.

Yeah, my family's pretty screwed up,
too.

You know, at Thanksgiving dinner, my
grandmother announced to everyone that

was gay.

I think at least one of my stepdads was
gay.

One of your stepdads?

How many have you had?

Let me see. There's Tom. He's a gay guy.

Garvin, the guy with the boat.

What's his name? And the guy I never
met, so five.

You know my other grandmother, the one
who isn't gay?

She's a schizophrenic.

Yeah.

Today my dad walked out on us.

Which one?

I just have one.

One of your ragging?

Well,

maybe now that I burn my tongue and I
don't have any taste buds left, then I

won't be able to eat so much, so I won't
be such a big, fat pig, and then my

husband won't leave me.

Look at that guy.

I hate men.

I should do his wife a favor and just
run him over right now.

I am caught, though.

Sent to prison.

Then I'd have to prove myself out in the
yard every day.

No, no.

OJ can get away with it, so can I.

All I have to do is... Get me a jury of
12 fat, dumb housewives.

You better run, you little wiener!

Hello?

It's me.

I'm at a hotel near the airport.

I switched to a later flight because I
was wondering.

Well, if you're not too far away, maybe
we can be...

Look, I don't blame you for not
answering. I wouldn't talk to me either.

But I just don't feel ready to get on
the plane.

Well, I just don't feel ready to have
you come home.

Well, all right then.

Yeah, all right then.

Hey, Jackie, it's me.

I need you to come and pick me up. I'm
over at, like, 13th and Sheffield.

No!

No, I'm not okay.

My ears are freezing, my butt is tired,
and I think I have a french fry lodged

in my larynx. That's it. You sounded
crazy on the phone. You scared me to

I didn't mean to scare you. I just could
not be behind that wheel one more

second. Well, you did the right thing.
You know, coming from an ex -trucker.

Driving and crying do not mix.

Dan finally left the house.

Yeah, I know. He called me in my car.

He called you.

I think he wanted me to beg him to stay
or something. What'd you say?

I told him I didn't want him to come
home.

And then you've just been driving around
this whole time.

Yeah.

Yeah, I learned something, too, Jackie,
you know.

There really aren't too many places to
go in Lanford.

But fortunately, I was able to collect
enough ketchup packets to take us right

into the Ice Age.

Well, I'll follow you home.

You want to go by Denny's and pig out
on...

milkshakes and grand slams.

I know you're not going to believe this,
Jackie, but for the first time in my

life, I think I'm full.

Oh, what the hell, yeah.

I'm full.