All language subtitles for roseanne_s09e13_say_it_aint_so

Well, Jackie, some things never change.

Millions of dollars and still no life.

Dad?

You're looking for Roseanne.

She had to go back to the mall.

All the kids went to see that Dalmatian
movie.

Some coffee?

No.

Hey,

how's your mom doing? Good.

She's good, real good.

Because I know we didn't get to...

You know, with all the holiday stuff
going on and everything, and I just

wondered what you were doing to kill
time out there in California.

Well, you know, I got my mom set up at
the facility, and I saw some sights,

drove up the coast.

That's about it.

Oh, I spent a lot of time picking
avocados off my sandwiches. They put it

everything out there.

Well, you were out there for a couple of
months, though. Did you meet anybody

interesting?

Hey, I saw Don Rickles at a gas station.

That hockey puck.

But nobody else, though, huh?

Well, I didn't go out there celebrity
stalking.

Well, what would you do on an average
day? Because I know that you would go

visit your mom at the hospital, but then
what would you do?

I don't know. Have one.

Alone?

That had to have been hard. You know,
nobody to talk to or eat with. Well,

Jackie, obviously I talk to people.
Yeah, but like who in particular?

Jackie, what else do you want to know?
What color shirt I wore every day?

Hey, I got a jaywalking ticket from a
bicycle cop. I gave him some sass about

his bare legs on the upside of me and a
head with a bicycle pump. How's that?

Were you walking across the street all
by yourself? What the hell are you

talking about? I'm just trying to figure
out who you were on the phone with

yesterday.

Oh, you mean my mom.

Well, it didn't sound like that to me.

Thanks for being so great with my mom.

Well, it's one of my mom's doctors.

It was hard being away from you for
Christmas. See, that's what I'm not

You wanted to spend Christmas with her
doctor?

Well, I mean, where the hell do you get
off listening to my conversations?

In my house? Don't turn it around on me.
I just want to know what the hell's

going on. Nothing's going on. That's
bull, and you know it.

What is going on, Dan?

What doesn't kill us is making us
stronger.

We're gonna last longer than that
greatest wall in China.

Oh, that rapid with a drum is the one
thing that I've heard.

While waiting for my turn Is that in
each light of a rainbow But you also get

some sun That will make out better than
okay Hear what I

say Yeah, I got everything

Please tell me that it's not what I
think it is.

Oh, my God.

It is.

Isn't it?

Oh, my God.

Who is she?

She's my mother's nurse.

Oh, Dan. Oh, my God.

Dan!

How could you do that?

Jackie, you don't understand.

No, I know it's got to be really
complicated.

Jackie, nothing has happened.

We have feelings for each other. Dan,
just, oh, come on. Do you... See,

now that you have money, you think now
all of a sudden you're Mr. Popular?

Do you think that this woman wants you
for your girlish figure?

This has nothing to do with money. No,
right. No, it's a 45 -year -old married

man with four kids. What a catch.

Are you spending a lot of money on her?

Just because she likes me to take her to
nice places doesn't mean that she's

after my money. No, no, of course it
doesn't. She would like you just as much

you were still a drywaller. She would.
See, you don't know her.

So you have no idea what you're talking
about? No, but I don't need to know her

to know that she's not your wife.

Look, Jackie, I've been over and over
this, trying to figure out what

I don't know. Maybe there's a part of me
that needed something. Well, I know

exactly what part that was.

Jackie, you don't understand. Nothing
has happened, and you have no idea what

this is doing to me.

Being back here around the family,
trying to pretend that everything's back

way it was.

The guilt is eating me alive.

What are you going to tell Roseanne?

Soon, okay? I just... I have to find the
right words. I still love her. Cut the

crap.

Feelings are one thing. It's what you do
that counts. I'm not saying what I did

was right, but you've got to understand
something. I married young.

I gave up a lot in my life. Oh, boo
-hoo!

Who has to? Actually, you don't know
what it's like. Things are different out

there.

Life is easier. People are 60 years old.
They look 40. It's 72 degrees and sunny

all the time. It's not like here.

I don't know why I expected better from
you, Dan.

It is very clear to me now that the
apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

How's that supposed to mean? Your father
also had kind of an eye for the ladies,

didn't he? Like father, like son.

Boy, that's a low blow. Well, it's true.

All these years thinking that you were
better than your dad.

You're way out of line. First time out
on the road, you do the exact same

I guess the Conner men don't travel very
well.

And I will tell you something. It
wouldn't surprise me if years from now

sons aren't visiting their mother in a
mental institution. Who in the hell are

you to tell me what to do anyway?

Man, you tell her or I will.

Hi, Jackie.

I dropped the kids over at Mom's for an
overnighter.

What's up with you guys?

Oh,

Jackie and I are having that same old
fight about who's a better cop.

Jimmy Smitzer, that guy that's all
showing his ass.

How was the weight sale?

Well, it was awesome. For the first
time, I didn't have to buy any

All the fitted sheets I got are shaped
just like a bed.

Because you must be anxious to get the
bedroom remodeled. Hey, these babies are

top of the line.

350 thread count cotton. Nice.

Yeah, it's very nice.

Not too nice, though, I hope, because I
still want to be the softest thing in

the bed.

Dan, do you hear what I said?

I was talking about the sheets, you
know, so I go, I hope they're not too

because I still want to be the softest
thing in the bed.

Yeah.

All right, I'm going to go.

But I will be back.

Hey, yeah, that means we'll only have,
what, six more weeks of winter, right?

Roseanne, I've got to tell you
something. Hold it. You are not going to

this. I go by the gas and sip, you know,
for a bladder buster.

And I look up there at the tabloid rack,
you know, to see how the chicken boy

scored on his SAT.

And look what I found.

Disney to build theme park in Gaza
Strip.

No, not that. Right there. That prince.
That Prince Carlos at Jackie State. And

look at that.

Look at that. He married his
chambermaid, Dan.

He just met her last month because, as
it turns out, he had never even been to

the west wing of his own damn palace.

It says here it was love at first sight.

Look at her, Dan. She's 50 years old.
She's got the crow's feet and everything

like that.

How am I going to tell Jackie?

God, men are so damn predictable.

Well, Rose, I mean, you don't know the
whole situation. I mean, you know,

maybe... Don't go sticking up for the
guy just because you are one.

You know, I'm just lucky that I got me
one of the few good ones.

What were you going to tell me?

Nothing.

There you

go.

You got to keep them elevated to keep
them from swelling up.

DJ, that's so sweet.

All right, what's the scam, you little
grifter?

Oh, God, Darlene, you're 25 weeks
pregnant.

Just trying to be nice.

Yeah, right.

Last night you didn't fight me for the
remote. This morning you offered to make

me pancakes.

Now I'm getting fed up. Just tell me
what you want.

Come on, Darlene, he's your little
brother. Just because he's being nice

mean he wants something.

I think it's beautiful, DJ.

Shut up, Snow White.

She's right.

I do want something.

All right, I want to videotape you
giving birth.

Forget it. You can bring in your
coonskin cap to show and tell.

Wait a minute. I mean, this may not have
been the best method of asking, but we

do need someone to film it.

I don't want this little creep looking
at my patootie.

You film it.

Please, Darlene, it's a portal of life.

Besides, I can't film it. I'm going to
be coaching you.

I'm getting really good with the camera.

Besides, who else are you going to get?
David Stoner, a friend who did your

wedding? Another 45 minutes of Nana Mary
passed out in your shrimp cocktail?

I think it's a great idea, DJ. We'll
talk about it, and we'll get back to

All right, but you've got to let me know
soon.

A tootie?

Portal of life?

Oh, yeah.

Bedroom's going to be great, Roseanne.
Great. I like the, what do you call

the medieval theme.

Yeah, well, that's because I ordered a
lot of it out of the sheriff's catalog

here.

Boy, she's just got great taste. She can
make any room in your house look like a

dungeon for less than $10 ,000.

Jackie?

I want to talk to you.

Oh, we don't really need to talk,
Roseanne. We talk all the time.

No, come on. It's different. Sit down.

It's best that you hear this from me.

What?

Sit down.

There's just no easy way to say this.
Oh, my God.

Let's face it, Jackie.

Some relationships just are not meant to
last forever.

Yeah, but this one, you know, I thought
would be different.

Oh, you know?

Yeah, I know.

Men are dogs.

Oh, they are.

Roseanne, they are dogs.

And they are pigs. And they are swine.

Which are pigs.

Yeah, but at least pigs have an excuse.

They're pigs.

So what is it with men? Why are they so
pathetic?

I don't know. I guess they're just
little babies, you know, and they miss

mommies or something. They got to get
somebody else to take care of them.

That's why they always fall in love with
their maids or waitresses or nurses,

you know.

I can't believe it's over.

Finished. Good point.

Well, now that it's over, I want you to
know something.

I never really liked the guy anyhow.

What? It was all like an act, you know?
He smelled the money.

How can you say that?

Because I'm just being honest.

And honestly, I can't even believe that
it lasted this long.

I mean, I didn't believe it when I read
it in the Globe or the Star.

But when I seen it in the Enquirer, I
knew it had to be true.

It was in the Enquirer?

Jackie, we are going to get through this
together.

You know, I've always thought this about
the royals. They're nothing but trailer

trash with titles.

Look at her. She looks just like Dr.

Ruth.

You

know, I

don't know about DJ Tape and the birth.

Oh, he'll be fine.

Hey, DJ, what's the tape of our friend
Janet giving birth? This is an excellent

example of what we're looking for.

Yo, Spielberg, pillow?

See, the camera is present, but
unobtrusive, you know?

Okay, DJ, just to help you out, that
person in the middle of the screen is a

woman.

Well, okay, there she is. She's 100 %
effaced.

Okay, it's crowning.

The doctor picking up the scissors to
perform the episiotomy.

Just a little clip of the perineum to
make room for the baby's head.

Man, that's a lot of blood.

Here comes the baby. God, isn't that
beautiful?

Wow, look at that gush of amniotic
fluid.

This share catalog's got some stuff I
think we'll both like, like this

wallpaper. Okay, this here's a chastity
belt, but from a distance, I think it

looks like a tool belt.

Yeah, great.

So, I told Jackie about the prince.

She didn't even seem mad at that.

But you know Jackie.

Yeah, well, if he's anything like the
Moldavians, I've met the hell with him.

Well, she said his toes were all webbed
and stuff, you know, because all the

inbreeding, I guess.

Look, Roseanne, a lot's gone down over
the last six months, and I've had a real

hard time dealing with it.

Well, yeah, it's been rough on all of
us, Dan, but, you know, now that you're

home, we'll get back to normal.

Well, yeah, even though I'm home, I
still feel like I'm somewhere else.

Well, that's because you've got a lot of
that residual California crap still

left out in your system, you know.

You'll be fine again once you get back
to drinking water out of the tap.

You know, I was alone in a way out
there. I had a lot of time to think

things.

And I feel like there's something
inside. You know, something's missing.

Like there's a big hole there.

Well, as long as there's no exit wound,
I don't think we should worry about it.

I don't know what I'm seeing here.

I got something really hard to tell you,
and I don't know how to start.

Well... I am your wife, Dan.

Roseanne, something really, really awful
has happened. I've met someone.

Someone? I met a woman.

Okay, so by met, you don't mean just
met, or it wouldn't

have taken you so long to tell me.

It's more than just met.

How much more?

I met her at the hospital.

Oh, yeah?

So there's a chance she'll be dead soon?

She's my mother's nurse.

What? I didn't sleep with her.

Roseanne, you've got to believe this. I
did not go looking for this. I didn't

plan on this. If I had a choice, this
wouldn't have happened. If you had a

choice... You didn't really say that to
me, did you? I'm sorry. It's just...

Look, after I had my heart attack, I got
spooked. I started facing my own

mortality.

Oh, I get it.

She's younger.

Oh, Rosie. No, I'm right, aren't I? How
much younger than me is she?

Come on, Rosie. What do you want me to
say?

So what does she do for you, Dan?

She hangs on your every word? What, she
rubs the knots out of the back of your

neck? Does your mother know what you are
doing out there?

No. I don't know what I was doing out
there.

I don't know what else to say.

Well, are you in love with her?

I'm very confused.

I know that I still love you.

Oh, my God. Who wrote that line?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Well, this never would have happened if
we hadn't won that money, would it?

So what now, Dan? We're part of the
privileged class, and I get to give you

typical response of the numb society
wife, like I'm supposed to look the

way when they catch you in a hotel with
some call girl?

Well, I don't have that blindness that
only money can buy, Dan. I'm not Rose

Kennedy.

I'm working class.

And that means there's a right and
there's wrong.

There's black and there's white.

And no amount of money is going to get
me to see gray.

I know that.

And I know that I have a duty to this
family and I intend to see it through.

So that's what we are to you after all
these years, Dan, your duty, right?

Well, isn't that just great for you?
Then you get to be the hero and the

Well, don't bother, Dan, because while
you were gone, I learned something, too.

I'm going to be fine.

It's killing me, Roseanne. You've got to
understand this is tearing me apart.

After all these years, this is truly,
truly the very last thing I would have

ever expected out of you, Dana.

Your duty is over.

You're free.

Go.

You know.

I overheard him on the phone. Why didn't
you tell me? I thought it was better

coming from him, but if he didn't tell
you, then I was gonna.

God. God, it's like I never knew him.

If he could do this to you after
everything that you guys have been

then maybe you're better off.

You know what I just figured out?

We got dumped on the very same day.

Oh, now that's a first.

Well, I know you're not used to it, but
I am, so.

And I'll tell you something, too. This
is not an ending. This is a beginning.

I knew something was going on. I told
you. Listen to me.

We are young, we are rich, and...

We are free. We are entering the prime
of our lives, and there is no man there

to hold us back.

We have got one less egg to answer, one
less bell to fry.

We can do anything we want to do.

So don't you worry, because we're going
to get through this together.

Okay, I can do this.

Having a child is just a natural part of
life.

Okay, just like watching ER.

Here we go.

Oh, boy.

Okay, here we go. You can do it.

Come on, Janet.

Way to go, Janet.

You can do it.

I can see the...