All language subtitles for roseanne_s09e06_pampered_to_a_pulp

Wow. I believe they're here.

Welcome to the Golden Chamber Spa. I'm
Carol.

You must be Roseanne and Jackie?

Yeah. You got anything to drink?

Yeah, the air conditioner in our cab was
busted. Oh, man. It was so sticky, I

about pulled the whole back seat out
with me.

Why don't we check you in, rinse off,
and I'll meet you down here for your

evaluation. Yama, the bags.

And can you put us close to the soda
machine?

I'm sweating like a pig, ma 'am.

I know that this is a bit awkward, but I
do have to identify the problem area.

Roseanne, what is this back here?

Oh, well, that's a dowager's hump. A lot
of Eastern European women have them.

I don't have one.

That's because I smashed yours when you
were little.

You really are quite hairy, aren't you?

Well, I think it's just, you know, it's
kind of thick and dark, so it looks like

there's a lot. You should have a bikini
wax immediately.

I shave my thighs regularly.

I can see the stubble.

Jackie, your hair is thin.

Follicles are clogged. Root texture is
rough.

I'm very sorry.

And Roseanne, I see lots of gray and
split ends. And what is going on with

eyebrows?

I tried to light the pilot light last
week.

Your skin is dirty.

Some scarring, I would recommend a
facial every day.

It's unusual, but so is your skin.

Jackie.

Okay, yeah, a lot of dead skin on this
face.

And those eye bags.

Wow.

Okay, next skin is not firm. It has very
little elasticity.

Yours is looser than most. I'm not
really sure what to recommend here.

Well, maybe we should just pack our bags
and go home.

We do have a product from France.

It is a thigh cream, but I think that
your neck would respond.

Jackie.

Your breasts are oddly shaped and too
small for your body.

I am so sorry.

And, Roseanne, your derriere is badly in
need of a reshaping

and a lift.

I guess we're probably the most
disgusting people you've ever tried to

right?

We don't judge. We reveal and heal.

That's what we do here.

So, Jackie, why don't you hop up on the
bike and we'll test your endurance.

Okay. And, Roseanne, we will measure
your body fat.

What doesn't kill us is making us
stronger.

We're gonna last longer than that
greatest wall in China.

Oh, that rapping with a drum.

If there's one thing that I've earned
while waiting for my turn,

it's that in each light of a rainbow,
but you also get some sun.

It will make us better.

Yeah, I ain't dating.

No, Cleo, I'm dead.

must be airtight.

Gap spaces and openings will not be
tolerated.

So this cleans out all the toxins, huh?

It is not a mere cleaning.

The impurities are purged by a
relentless drive through

the skin.

I'm scared, Roseanne.

Ta -ta!

At least I can still move my fingers.

You are weak.

Pull!

Okay,

now I can't breathe.

Perfect! Now you will feel itching. It
means that the toxins are

fleeing from the purification.

After that, report to the showers.

she hadn't said that thing about the
itching.

Well, I haven't seen a worse case since
maybe Janet Reno.

That's hitting below the belt.

And Ms. Reno refused the products that I
recommended.

Just like Tommy Lee Jones and James
Woods.

Well, we'll buy your products.

Oh, yeah, we'll get all your products.

Oh, good.

Your pores are engorged.

Oh, with what?

Debris.

That's why your face looks so rough and
peasant -like.

You eat a lot of cheese. No dairy.

You know, the pores define the face.

They're little fountains that squirt
garbage out of the body, and sometimes

fountain gets clogged. And that's what
enlarges your pores.

Large pores make a face look tired and
sheep.

What is that?

It's an extractor. It gets rid of
blackheads, pimples, etc.

Ow! One.

Ow!

I'm just going to have to peel off this
top face.

I recommend an acid peel.

Michael Jackson just swears by him. Oh,
he's got beautiful skin.

you both on a very strict 800 calorie
diet.

Well, you know what? I would like to
know what Carol is eating tonight.

Tell me.

Tell me!

Ma 'am, please.

There's still dessert.

get us a pizza here in 30 minutes. No,
don't. Don't you start that.

I'm gonna get two pepperoni pizzas with
extra topping of two pepperoni pizzas.

Roseanne, you'll never get that past the
guard at the gate.

Oh, yeah, I will, because you'll
distract the guy, and I'll smack him

hump.

Roseanne.

Listen, if you are not with me, then
you're against me. You can do it. People

can go a month without food.

Yeah, because they're idiots.

I need food.

I'm not going to make it, Jackie.

of protein.

Bean ham!

Hey.

Hi. Would you like to have dinner with
me tonight?

No, but can I eat your dinner?

Let me know when you're the last man on
earth.

Come on, let's shuffle back to our room
and nap before lunch.

Maybe we'll get lucky and drop dead in
our sleep. Now see, here we're in

trouble. Here comes the hike leader.

Excuse me, ladies.

Okay, well, yeah, we're going to quit
the hike. Yeah, I'm kind of amazed you

made it this far.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, a woman of your size really
shouldn't put so much strain on her

Are you saying that I can't finish that
hike?

I'm just saying that not everyone was
meant to be fit. Well, I'm fit.

Yeah, right, and I'm the World Boxing
Council lightweight champion.

you bitch.

Jackie. What?

There's another squirrel and I am not
letting this one get away.

Oh my God.

And reach forward to the fingertips of
your left hand.

Drop the right shoulder underneath your
thigh. Reach your right hand between

your legs.

Wrap your left arm around your body with
your right hand. Grab onto your left

wrist. Inhale. Lift the chest away from
the tailbone. Exhale. Press the arm

straight. Open up your chest towards the
sky.

This is not human.

I thought yoga was about reefer and Ravi
Shankar.

And now back on your buttocks.

Press the left heel forward. And with
both hands, lift the foot.

over your head.

Hi, Pete.

I hate to disturb you, but I have a
couple of openings for past life

therapy if anyone's interested.

I think at this point I would volunteer
for lab testing.

for a person to question the reality of
past lives. So let's begin by shaking

off our uncertainty and doubt. Just
shake off that cosmic debris.

into this lifetime with these obstacles.

You with the eye bag and you so
unpleasantly fat.

So let's begin by breathing in the air
through

our eyeball and bringing it down into
our diaphragm.

Just follow Yama and I.

I didn't hear a thaw.

Inhale.

Thaw! Very nice.

Now just continue that gentle breathing
in silence and close your eyes.

And know that what we call life, we have
experienced many times in the

past.

Imagine yourselves in nature.

There's a fridge up ahead.

On the other side lies a lifetime you
have not visited in

many years.

Go ahead, girl.

Cross the bridge.

Ha -ha! There she is. Xena, the warrior
princess.

Get her!

you not to hit girls.

Zantepi, I should have known these men
were with you.

Forget them, Zena.

I have come to give you a real
challenge.

a big hand for all the hard work that
you've accomplished this fall.

Now that you've achieved these beautiful
bodies, it's a shame to cover them up.

But it is the law.

So it is with great pleasure that I
introduce to you world -renowned fashion

designer

the era that we live in, and we're
living in an era of self -expression,

colors, patterns, and textures all
mingle perfectly together, where what's

fashionable is what makes you feel good.
So today I want to show you a few

pieces from my fall 1996 collection.

So do you make anything oversized three?

Yes, we do.

Oh, great.

Todd, maybe you could give Roseanne some
help.

I think to cantilever the top section, a
really strong foundation garment is in

order. And the midsection, just keep it
dark and go with long cuts to sort of de

-emphasize this area and bring your
attention elsewhere.

And then to avoid that cloven hoof
problem, I think a closed -toe shoe

in order.

So don't wear anything reflective. Keep
it simple. Nothing shiny.

No furs. It'll add too much bulk.

No belts.

Go with what you want to do, what you
feel good about.

And you have such pretty skin, such a
pretty face.

Oh, thank you. Oh, sure.

Now, girls, is there anything special
that

you'd like in your makeup today?

No, you're the artist. Yeah, just go
with your instinct.

Good. Because from my experience, I have
found out that natural is best.

You know, let your face tell its own
story.

Would that be okay?

Great. All right.

Wow.

unpleasantly fat so let's begin

by breathing in the air through our
eyeball and bringing it down

into our diaphragm