All language subtitles for roseanne_s09e02_millions_from_heaven

Is that what you're telling me?

Let's kill Dan.

No!

Dan has just had a heart attack and this
kind of thing could kill him.

What's going on?

Don't panic.

Why? What's wrong?

Nothing. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is
wrong. Nothing will ever be wrong again.

Dan. Dan. I have something to tell you.
But before I tell you, you have to

promise me that you are not going to
collapse or turn blue or anything like

that.

Scout. honor.

What doesn't kill us is making us
stronger.

We're gonna last longer than that
greatest wall in China.

Oh, that rapping with a drum.

If there's one thing that I've earned
while waiting for my turn, it's

that in each light of a rainfall, but
you also get some sun that will make...

Yeah, but you know what? If this ticket
was worth only, say, 10 million, I'd

love it just as much.

You know what? You guys should have that
framed.

Yeah, we should.

Duh! You have to turn it in to get the
money, Mark.

I want you to know that no one deserves
this more than you and Dad.

Oh.

Oh, those are those pregnancy hormones
kicking in.

Oh, sweet.

Too bad you didn't get knocked up years
ago.

All right, so I have it all figured out.
You guys are going to get $5 .4 million

a year. That's like $10 a minute. 17
cents a second.

Wow. That's 17 cents.

That's 17 cents.

That's 34 cents.

What are we going to do with all the
money, honey?

I'll tell you what.

We're going to move out of here and buy
that great big house down the block.

Or better yet, wait, no.

We're going to move.

To the really nice part of town.

Or Egypt.

This is our ancestral home.

I grew up here.

Don't worry, honey. We're not going to
get rid of the house.

We'll just put it in the tree in the
backyard of our new place.

You know what we can do?

We're going to be able to send Becky to
the college that she wants to go to.

Something really great like Harvard.

What's another college?

Thanks, Mom.

Yeah, and DJ, you can just go ahead and
drop out of school altogether.

No way. I mean, now that we got all this
dough, I'm finally going to be popular.

Well, I've always had this dream that
one day I'd buy a vineyard in Bordeaux

tease the nectar of the gods from the
heart of the grape.

Why, that jug from buying bag keeps you
just as happy.

I'm going to get all new tools, finish
my boat. You know what I'm going to have

mounted next to the captain's chair?

What's that?

The Liberty Bell.

Clank, clank, crack.

I want to ride in the space shuttle.
Who's with me?

Hey, you don't even have to worry about
your health or your heart anymore, Dan,

because we can just buy one of them bad
boys.

Now, good God, I'm getting me a ton of
plastic surgery. I swear to God.

I'm getting one of them nose jobs, and
I'm going to get a tummy tuck and a ton

of liposuction.

Honey, I like it just the way you are.
Well, that don't matter to me because

dumping you for some parasitic pig. Then
I'm going to lose him for some young

guy that's really buff.

And then after that... Ho, ho, ho, ho.
Just slow down, everybody.

We can't celebrate until we've
officially gotten the money.

Okay, if I read about this guy, he's an
average guy.

Okay, you know, he's got a winning
lottery ticket.

You know, he's whooping it up. He
figures he's already got the cash.

Guess what? He lost the ticket!

Oh. So one minute, he's got millions.
The next minute, nothing.

Thanks for sharing that, Pat. I'm just
saying, I'm saying we've got to be very,

very careful here.

I agree with Jackie. Don't do that,
Mother.

Come on, Jackie, there's got to be
something you want. I'm not going to

about it until that ticket goes down to
that house. I know what Jackie wants.

Vroom, vroom, vroom!

Cherry red sports car with a leather
-wrapped steering wheel.

And a Rolex!

Hey, that wasn't so hard.

You know, they say that DeVry
Institute's a good college.

If we were here to collect, say, $108
million, where would we go?

Oh, you're the one, huh?

You know, I had two of those numbers.

Well, thanks for your dollar.

You want the lottery, director.

Stay alert, my friend.

Uh, hello.

Uh, where are the Connors? We have an
appointment.

Oh, hello, hello. So this is the lucky
couple. I'm Mr.

Russo. Boy, I bet you're excited. We
were up all night. So was I.

You know, your win, should it prove
valid, would be the high point of my

disbursement career.

Man, you guys are so much nicer here
than at the unemployment office.

Bertie took the liberty of filling out
the claim form there.

Good, good, good, and thanks for
pressing hard.

Now, I'm going to have to match the
validation number on your ticket. Yes,

Well, Dan, looks like we will be going
to our next high school reunion.

All right, now I need some
identification.

Yes, sir, absolutely.

We are us. I didn't know what to bring
here. I get the first certificate,

license, social security number. That's
my fishing license.

Yeah, and that key card there, that
unlocks room 411 at the Pine Tree Motor

Lodge.

Well, on behalf of the state of
Illinois, let me congratulate you.

You have just won the largest lottery in
our history.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I hope you folks don't mind closing for
a few publicity photos. Look at all the

paparazzi. I bet that guy's with the
Enquirer. Hey, I didn't know the

press was going to be here.

All right, now smile.

All right, that's enough, that's enough.

Now we're going to be sending these
photos along with a press release, so

going to be bombarded by the media.

Why, we didn't grow a squash that looks
like Dole or nothing.

Yeah, Mr.

Russo, you know, not to be piggy or
nothing, but when do we get the real

Well, that'll be right along. It should
take about four or five weeks.

Four or five weeks? Really?

Well, we were going to take the family
out for ice cream. Now what the hell are

we supposed to do?

I ain't never seen this room so bright.

Yeah, I think people who read would
really like this place.

Hi, I'm Kathleen Sullivan.

Hi, uh, Roseanne and Dan.

Congratulations.

Take a seat.

Okay.

Now we'll just start whenever you're
comfortable.

Okay. Put this mic here on, Mom.

Okay. Yeah.

Okay. No, that feels phony, Dan.

This is Kathleen Sullivan on remote in
America's heartland, Lanford, Illinois,

where two hardworking, self -described
regular folks have just won the biggest

lottery in Illinois state history.

So, Roseanne and Dan Conner, how does it
feel to be worth more than $100

million? Well, I feel like a million
bucks.

I guess I've sold myself short.

Tell us, you two luck birds, who are
Roseanne and Dan Conner?

Well, we were born in Lantford. Yeah, we
were born here in Lantford.

High school sweetheart. Went to Lantford
High School. Went to Lantford High

School. It was about 10th grade. 10th
grade.

Played football.

Played football.

We met. Got married. We got married.
Moved into this house. I put that

in her myself.

Mommy got the knickknacks and whatnot.
Put the heart up. And here we are. Here

we are.

Why don't we meet the rest of the
family? Oh, yeah, definitely.

Kids, come on down. Come on in here.

Come on!

Okay, this is our daughter, Darlene, and
her husband, David.

They're vegetarian, so they don't have
the strength to hold their heads up.

This is our oldest daughter, Becky, and
her husband, Mark.

I'm Mark.

This is our son, DJ, and our little
baby, Jerry. Here, give me the baby.

the baby.

What'd you do to him? Hi.

Oh, I'm sorry.

And this is Mrs. Harris, the woman who
raised me.

Hello, America.

Hello.

And my sister, Jackie. I helped pick the
numbers.

So there you are, ladies and gentlemen,
the Lucky Family.

But tell us, how do you think the
lottery is going to change your life?

Well, not much. We're probably just
going to be the same people we always

Yeah, only happy.

They ought to make the caviar bigger.

One jar barely fits on one cracker.

This is the first party we've had where
DJ wasn't in the bedroom going through

coat pockets.

And that's the way it's going to be from
now on. More meat, son.

This meat doesn't look right. I mean,
where's all the white shiny stuff?

This is lean meat, son.

Our 22 % days are over with.

Hey, hey, Dan.

Go ahead and show him that lobster and
that fancy meat with a bone still in it.

Oh, no.

The lad's seen enough for one day.

Hey, I got the plastic champagne
glasses.

Did you get the expensive ones?

$5 .99 a dozen.

DJ, run these burgers out to Mark, and
I'm going to go entertain our guests.

Hello.

Uh, no, I'm sorry, we don't have an
Uncle Sid.

Or an Uncle George.

And no Charlie. Strike three, lunch me.

Brand names are so colorful.

Oh, you got champagne.

And it's out of state.

It's so incredible. I even went to that
fancy market today, and for the first

time in my life, I didn't hold up the
line by paying with coupons.

You paid full price for everything? No,
not everything. They threw in the bottle

of champagne for free because they
recognized me. No.

It's so...

And then when Dan went down to get the
charcoal, the guy throws in a hibachi

a free set of those kebab pokers.

Wow, this pregnancy thing really bites.
I'm going to start crying again.

Oh, that's nothing.

Wait till you start peeing when you
laugh.

Or sneeze.

Yeah.

Or blank.

I got this one.

Hello?

Uh -huh.

No, I'm sorry. We've already committed
to a charity. We just bought 500 bottles

of Paul Newman salad dressing.

Hey, Leon, come on over here and help
yourself to some caviar.

You really did win the lottery.

I just had to come over and see if my
worst nightmare did come true, and in

it has.

So I am now in hell.

Kill me.

Well, I'm kind of busy right now, Leon,
but go on in the kitchen and help

yourself to what's ever under the sink.

Hello?

Gee, I don't know.

Oh, DJ, just hang up on them.

What do they want now?

How am I supposed to know? Nana Mary
just started talking. She told me to

up.

can't get over your windfall.

Well, I owe it all to you, Mom.

I mean, if you would have encouraged me
to do something useful with my life,

this never would have happened.

Thank you, dear.

And I want you to know that all that
money I lent you over the years, well,

there's no need to give it a moment's
thought.

There's a bunch of people looking over
the back fence trying to take our

picture. Don't worry about it. They
can't use any of it, man. I was mooning

and flipping them to bird the whole
time.

What's going on around here?

Well, you know, the guy at the prize
office warned us this might happen.

Hey, everybody, it's time to toast Dan
and Roseanne on their great fortune.

No, no, no, no. Please allow me.

To the Connors.

I say, and I quote, to know what God
thinks of money, one only has to look at

those to whom he has given it.

Thanks, Leon.

You guys have got to look. There's like
over a hundred people out there.

Isn't it wonderful being rich? Bitch,
I've finally risen above the people I

knew were my inferior.

I'm just giving you the schoolgirl.

Make that a private schoolgirl.

Okay, Mom, time to go out and lay on the
lawn and take a nap.

Boy, is this causing a traffic jam.

Well, I told you to take those Christmas
lights down.

You know what, Dad?

I was just thinking, you may have the
pleasure of winning all this money, but

will have the sheer delight of watching
you blow it all on collectible plates.

Collectible plates are in the past,
Leon. The future is all about Star Trek

signature coffee mugs.

Hey, hey, hey, it's a great party. I
forgot to mention, don't spend it all in

one place.

the kitchen? Well, it was great talking
to you again. Really great.

Who in the hell was I just talking to? I
have no idea.

Who are you?

Man, honey, this is insane.

Dan, how do you leave a party when
you're the host?

You know, I think technically if we went
down to the basement, we wouldn't be

leaving the party.

You're on.

Coming through!

Dangway, watch your back.

Privacy.

Sanctuary.

Man, it's quiet in here.

I hate hearing all these voices, you
know, unless they're mine.

Yeah, I think the ringing in my ears has
finally stopped.

This is the first time we've been alone
together all day.

Well, you know what? It's really nice.

We could do a lot more of that from now
on.

Just hanging out together.

Spend every single minute of the day
together.

Uh, yeah.

Well, you know, it's not like we're
going to have all that much downtime,

know. We're going to be doing a lot of
things. We're going to be shopping, you

know, going to a lot of movies, a lot of
plays, stuff like that. We'll travel.

We could take one of them Kathy Lee
tours.

Hey, I bet you we're richer than her
now.

Boy, does that put things into
perspective.

Man. So you know what we really got to
do, though, Dan? What's that? We have

really got to start taking better care
of ourselves, you know?

I mean, now that we got all this money,
I want to live.

Yeah, me too.

How do you go about doing something like
that?

See, I think we'll get a nutritionist,
you know, and they'll tell us what to

eat. And then we'll haul in one of them
trainers, you know, and they'll just

whip our butts right into shape. Yeah.

I could be buff in a couple of months.

Or ten years, whatever.

Man, it is just amazing, isn't it? I
mean, we're going to be part of the

hoity -toity, hoop -dee -doo.

Well. Remember what I told you when we
started going out?

Stick with me, kid. I'll have you
farting through silk.

No matter what happens, we're just going
to be the same people.

Same old Dan and Roseanne.

Come with me, Rob and Leach, as we tour
the home of the Duke and Duchess of Good

Fortune. Lottery winners, Dan and
Roseanne Connor.

Here is their luxurious Lanford lair.
The decor is a delightful potpourri of

American Baroque.

The carpet is a beautiful polyester
fiber.

It's no longer made for health reasons.

And this is the crown jewel of our
collection.

And what a jewel it is.

All wings of the house meet here at the
entertainment center, where Dan and

Roseanne relax after a long day of
counting their lucre.

We have all the Barnaby Jones tape.

We relax by watching an episode from
season three.

As the day drew to a close, Roseanne
proved just why she's famous for her

hospitality from Manhattan to Marrakesh.
Want a sandwich?

No lover of fine food could resist such
an offer.

I'm Robin Leach with beer wishes and
nacho dreams.