All language subtitles for phil_silvers_show_s03e01_bilkos_merry_widow

Now it's the month of May.

Thank you. You've done it again,
Hermione. Thank you.

Girls, en français.

Merci beaucoup, Madame Fessenden. And
good morning to you too, girls.

Good news on our fight to bring culture
to Roseville. In spite of our protests

to the Chamber of Commerce, we get only
burlesque shows.

They say it's for the soldiers at Fort
Baxter.

Well, at last, our picketing in the
burlesque theater has paid off.

Last night... we met the Chamber of
Commerce coming out. And they voted

there in the lobby an immediate
appropriation for culture.

$500, which I intend to offer as a bonus
to the first producer who brings a

professional company to Roseville.

Thank you.

The meeting's adjourned.

Oh, isn't it exciting, Hermione?

We may get My Fair Lady, Happy Hunting,
even Damn Yankees. Oh, there'll be a lot

in front of the girls.

Get that motor working. Okay, okay.

Now look, I want that Jeep in tip -top
shape. I've got to rent it out for every

night this week. Every minute this Jeep
stays idle, it costs me ten cents a

mile. Back in the car rental business,
huh? You must have taken some beating on

the horses yesterday. All right, all
right. My financial standing is of no

concern to you. Sarge! Sarge! Look, for
only $250, an early surplus water tank

we can use as a swimming pool. We
thought we could take the money from the

welfare fund. Yes, of course, the
welfare fund.

Sarge, how much money have we got in the
welfare fund?

How much? Look.

How do I know?

Sarge, you're the only one who has the
key to the box.

Sarge, how much have we got?

Oh, we've got about... Excuse me, Sarge.
We didn't hear you. Sarge, how much

have you got in the welfare fund? Well,
I say we've got about... Strain it out

and you've got the... Sarge, how much
have we got?

I've got to get down to the mess hall
and fix the bed. I'm afraid.

What is this? What is this? A strike?

He took it and blowed it on the horses.

Blowed it?

Blown it on the horse. I will not stand
here and listen to bad drama. No, no,

wait. I'm sorry. It's the same as Franny
Kodowski, who was just learning the

language. This man says blown it.

Blown it? Blown it.

Give it to us in good English.

I blew it on the horse.

He blew his past tense.

It happened yesterday.

Yesterday? You lost a whole $250?

No, just $50. You took only $50? Yes. So
I can win back the $200 I took the day

before. That's it, boys.

Oh, wait a minute. Now, look, Fender,
you're a man of the world. You

It was a surefire tip. I did it for all
of us. Yeah.

The swimming pool was going to be for
all of us, too.

Sarge, the horses again?

I know, I know. What am I going to do? I
try to build up the welfare fund.

What's a lousy $250?

These days, it's nothing.

Contestants get that for going on a quiz
show and just clearing their throat.

$250, is that it?

Here's a dame begging to give away $500
to the first producer who'll bring a

professional production to Roseville.

Here we go again.

Okay,

Fender, order your swimming pool. The
swimming pool?

I want you to get me the glee crop down
on the standby. Find every whack that

can enter and sing, dance, recite
anything. Get them all, you boys.

We're going to get $500 for bringing a
Broadway musical to Roseville. Oh, you

slipped this trolley. They want a
professional production. We're amateurs.

What are you, the Olympic Committee?

We get the $500 check.

We are professionals. We are the first
touring company of My Fair Lady.

Sarge, every stock company in the
country is dying to do My Fair Lady.

never give you permission.

So what? We'll do South Pacific.

Who's going to know about it? Oh,
nobody. Just Rogers and Hammerstein's

You got to get permission, pay the
royalty.

Oh, forget about it.

What's the matter with me? Why didn't I
think of this? We'll do the Merry Widow.

Merry Widow? Of course. The composer's
been dead over 50 years. We don't have

get permission.

We don't have to pay royalties.

Get ready to order that swimming pool.
Henshaw, get a car ready. We're going

over to Mrs. Fessenden's and pick up
that $500. Right. Look alive. She ain't

going to pay $500 for something put on
by a bunch of soldiers.

Soldiers, Paparelli? I'm talking about
the original Viennese production of

Widow as done by the immortal Franz
Lehar.

May he rest in peace.

Amen. May his lawyers rest in peace.

Amen. Come on. Oh,

Olivia, I'm so excited.

The great Max Steinhardt may bring the
merry widow here to Rosewood. When his

manager called me and said he was
coming, I could hardly believe it. This

make Emporia sit up and take notice.

Mr. Max Steinhardt.

Why, everybody.

What's this?

Hello. Give me Vienna. I speak with
anybody.

Oh, Mr. Steinhardt, when I heard you
were coming, I asked these ladies to

over here. These ladies are not my type.
Why do you waste my time? Hello. Forget

Vienna. I just remember.

Jar Jar, she's here. That is with Las
Vegas something. All right. Sign up,

everybody. Let's discuss.

Let me see if it helps.

What's my type? Take away the white
throat.

They are not dancers. They are
sponsoring your production.

Who are

you? I am Mrs. Fessenden.

Oh, this is my musical conductor, Gustav
Schnitzel. Oh, how do you do? I don't

speak with him much.

He warned me in Salzburg.

Salzburg? He warned me.

In the second act from The Gypsy Baron,
he hit a clinker which started the

entire landslide from the Alps, came
down with the snow, with the theater,

the audience.

It was a stinker, a clinker. What do you
hear? What, my son? No, no. It was a B

-flat. B -flat. You tell it to the 2
,000 people who are still waiting for

St. Bernard dogs with the brandy. You...
I did you with them twice.

No, no. Not him. Do not talk with him.
This is my American manager, Bridgebury.

His name is... You get another name, I
get another manager. Maestro. Mr.

Mr. Steiner, this lady is... What is the
fun thing? What? What does she want?

Does she not know I am a married man?

What is this with the chappering?

Where's my wife, Mitzi? Your wife?

Oh, yes, Liebchen.

Liebchen is in Salzburg, waiting for
the... I give you with the...

Wait, wait.

We must think of the future. Your
Broadway production...

Out the Merry Widow, which you are going
to premiere here in Roseville. Oh,

you're going to do the Merry Widow here
in Roseville? We have to. With him

conducting, we can only play in flat
country.

When I sit in the office, I have to turn
down from Chicago. San Francisco.

Denver.

Denver you would like, huh? With the one
clinker with the hole for stinking a

lucky man.

I told you that was a B -flat. It was a
B -flat. You got my wife,

but you won't get me.

We do it here. Here we do it. Where is
the nearest mountain?

Oh, at least a thousand miles away.

We are guests in this country. Oh, then
you do it quickly before he changes his

mind. Here's the $500.

What's the matter? Well, I said that
because I'm a trade man. I do not charge

money. Maestro, I'll take it. Thank you.
You see, Maestro, it's just a bonus for

bringing your professional production
here to Roseville. Very good. Although

have arranged the theater.

Oh, I'm giving you the civic auditorium.
Very good. Although we're going to

immediate rehearsal, the cast is waiting
in Ellis Island. We go.

Maestro, it's the beginning of culture
in Roseville. Yes, and with him

conducting, this may be the end of your
civic auditorium.

What is it? What? Your uniform.

They expect me to wear this?

Yeah, but... Will you tell them as
quartermasters I'm playing the part of

Danilo, the gayest blade in Paris? And
when I sweep into Maxim's, I wear this,

they think I came there to sweep up. Go.
Go.

What is it?

Sarge, the glee club has to rehearse
too.

All right, get over there. Girls, run
over your parts a few minutes. All

boys, you know this is my solo.

Remember, we all play gay noblemen.

I'm the gayest noble of them all. Now,
you understand your part, right?

It's my soul. We take it from the top.
And... I'm going to

the law.

I'm going to the law.

Then you're going to the law. What are
you, in business for yourself?

Just part of the group. Can we do it
again from the top? That's good.

I'm going to the law.

Look, I'm going to Maxine's. You're
there already. The platoon hasn't even

Maxine's and you're in there ordering
wine.

Let's try it from the table. Watch it.

Oh, no, I'll be right back. No, no, no.

I remind you of the lyric, girls. We are
little Paris ladies. I just heard you.

It sounds like you are Arkansas hard
callers. Now, get... And you, Martha, be

spicy. You have a lovely figure. Carry
yourself erect.

We'll do it from the top. We'll do it in
sections. Then we'll put it all

together in one piece. Shall we try it?

We are little Paris ladies.

Martha, you're about to... Now, to
each... One, I'm active, ladies. And you

are... Lolo. Sweet.

Dodo. Lovely.

And you, now, trippy.

Bilko, what's going on here? Sir, we
were just trying to... Quiet! Yes, sir.

Whatever it is, it's off. Sir, it's just
a little innocent theatrical amateur

show, sir.

Bilko, the word amateur means no money.
Somehow I can't associate you with the

word. Quiet!

You're all on sick call.

How is your cold, Lolo?

And Fru -Fru, your throat is still sore,
isn't it? It must be. I heard it.

Quiet!

Quiet! I don't know what Bilko is up to,
but this is an order.

I don't want you girls to be associated
with it. Yes, sir. Now get back to your

office. Yes, sir.

And as for you, Billy Rose, sir, I
would... Quiet!

Bilko, this is a motor pool, not the
Latin Quarter.

Buddy, buddy, sir, that's grand. And we
were wondering who was going to do the

comedy part of Count Popo. Quiet!
Splendid, I can see you now in your

solo. Come to the little pavilion.

Quiet! I love you with the mess up of
this. Quiet! Yes, sir. Bilko, I don't

what you're doing or who you're doing it
to.

But you're not going to do it on this
post or with my whack.

Now get back to work. Yes, sir.

All right, men. You heard the colonel.
Back to work. Get this stuff out of

All right, boys. On the double. Get it
out. Get it out. Move it.

All right, cut.

That's it, boys.

We're out of show business.

Sarge, we could rehearse in town.

Rehearse in town with what? With no
girls?

Sarge, we already sent the money in for
the pool.

We've got to do it. Sure, we've got to
do it. It's the merry riddle. We'll just

change the locale from Paris to Boys
Town.

Come on, Facebook. We're cooked.

Can't we get some girls from town? Who?
Who we get? Cleo the waitress?

Bertha the barracuda? May I remind you,
gentlemen, this is a very good one.

Everyone in this show is a lady of the
highest culture, grand elegance,

But it's hot. We'll get the girls from
Miss Nightingale's finishing school. Now

he's really flipped.

Is that Miss Nightingale's thought that
a bunch of soldiers... What? Soldiers?

She'll be tickled to death to have her
girls mingle with you young gentlemen.

You fellows who come from one of the
finest finishing prep schools in the

country. We're young gentlemen?

Of course. Each one of you from a highly
cultured family.

And don't you slobs forget it for one
minute.

I am shocked, Nancy.

Utterly shocked.

You caught putting on lipstick. But Miss
Nightingale... Oh, I've seen it happen

so often.

First it's lipstick. Next thing you
know, they're running off with the

player. Oh, I don't know what... What is
it, Miss Clutterby? There's a man

outside to see you. A man?

In here?

Yes. It's Dean Ernest Bilko.

Oh? Dean Bilko?

Yes. He's headmaster of the Bilko on the
Hudson School for Boys.

I wonder what the Ivy League is doing in
Kansas.

Miss Ivy Lear?

Oh, nice of you to drop in.

I thought it was only proper since we
are about to become neighbors.

Neighbor?

I thought your school was back east on
the Hudson.

Oh, we had to move.

The Hudson has become quite bulky, you
know. They just don't care what they let

on the river these days. So you moved to
Rosedale.

Yes, oh, we've owned the property here
for years. We were just waiting for the

ivy to grow. And there it is, grown.
It's a splendid sight.

Oh, this is wonderful.

At last my young ladies can meet young
men in their own class.

Well, that's what I'm hearing.

Matter of fashion to see you about.

I'm sure when you see my young ladies.

Well, I'm sure that I... Good!

Oh, wait a minute. Really, sir? It's an
isolated case.

Oh, I can't. I can't have this lipstick.

My boys don't even know about lips.

I have a medical license, you know.

Really, really, sir. I assure you we
have young ladies only from the finest

families. This is Nancy Winthrop.

Her father is Winthrop's... Oh, that
explains everything.

Tradespeople have to cater to the
merchant class. Did you thank heavens we

deal with them as yet? Do you mean your
young men? Oh, all hand -picked. Of

course, there's Dino Paparelli, son of
the Duke of Naples. Then there's Dwayne

Dobman, very democratic.

He doesn't care that we don't address
him by his righteous title, Darren.

Then there's Sam Fender.

Sam Fender? Of the Ford family. It's a
large family. There's so many families.

Then of course... He's one of the
fenders.

We have fun with that name once in a
while.

Oh, this sounds wonderful.

I certainly want my young ladies to meet
them. Oh, naturally. As a matter of

fact, I was planning on using young
young ladies with my young men and

presenting a musical play.

Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm.

Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm. Of course,
I'll delete all the suggestive passages.

We plan on rehearsing at the Civic
Auditorium. Oh, I'll bring the girls.

Oh, good heavens, not you. We don't want
you there. We want you there when it's

all ready so we can show it to you as a
big surprise.

Oh. Allow me this little thrill, won't
you?

Oh, this is thrilling.

Very sweet, miss. It is, Miss
Nightingale?

Yes, why?

Well, one can dream, can't one?

Where am I going?

Tell him then.

No, no, no, no. Coco, Michael, Froot,
Froot. No, I...

We've rehearsed all week. This is the
dress rehearsal of the performances

tonight, and you're still beating me to
Maxine's. Why? Sarge, if you want to get

in the dress rehearsal before the
performance... This is for the dress

rehearsal.

Sarge, Sarge, when should I pull the
curtain? On the first note, you pull the

curtain.

Sarge, it's Philco. These costumes just
don't fit. Nancy, Nancy, they'll fit by

the time I get them to a quartermaster.
They'll fit. But remember one thing. You

promised not to tell Miss Nightingale
that we're soldiers.

Oh, are you?

All right, boys. This is that one scene
on the big scene when I enter into

Maxine's. You know how to give me the
entrance?

Hit it!

Women, women, women, women, women, women
all.

Ah, the women.

Oh, the women. How to remember. Tell us,
pray. It's an art, I'm rather dimming,

for there is no pattern to it.

You may study always as you can. Women,
women, women. But a woman's too much for

a man. Women, women, women. It's deeper
than diving for pearls.

Caught in girls, girls, girls, girls,
girls.

With a fair fraction of hair, eyes of
blue.

She's a long way to knowing for you.
Yes, yes, she is dark. Or she's fair.

may smile. Or may frown. Never mind, you
will get done brown.

What is this?

She's here, she's here, Prince Danilo.

It's Sonia, the merry widow. The merry
widow.

The most beautiful woman in Paris. At
last, I get to be to be still my

heart. Can they be as beautiful as they
say?

Attention!

Countess Sonia, the merry widow.

darling though I say that what I may not
know

I insist on seeing my daughter right
now. I'm just passing through town.

But I told you, Mr. Winthrop, Nancy is
rehearsing. My girl in a play?

It's perfectly proper, sir. It's Dean
Bilko's boys.

They're doing Rebecca of Sunnybrook
Farm.

Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm.

Naturally.

Let's go.

But I said I wouldn't... I haven't any
time. Come on.

I take the first at hand.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Why isn't this one in tights? Dean
Wilcox! Miss Nightingale!

You promised to stay away. What?

You mean this is Rebecca of Sunnybrook
Farm?

Of course it's the modern version. This
is the climax.

She's about to lose the farm, so she
turns it into a roadhouse. What's going

Miss Dyer, just for tonight. We need
to... Now what?

Now what? We're cooked, that's what. Our
back's to the world. We've got to get

some girls.

Wait a minute.

Why not?

Paperelli, on a double. Here. Come here.
Do you know how to get to the Burlesque

House?

Look who I'm asking. He was born then.

Give this note to Beulah. You know the
Blonde Bombshell. Simmer down.

Give her the note. Tell her to get the
rest of the girls. I'll explain the rest

when she's here. Go.

That may do.

Oh, Beulah, you and the girls ready.

Just say the word, Ernie.

Okay, here we go. From the top. Here's
your cue, honey.

She's here, she's here, Prince Danilo.
It's Sonia the Merry Widow. The Merry

Widow. The most beautiful woman in
Paris.

She's still my pounding heart.

At last I get to meet her.

The Countess Sonia the Merry Widow.

All right, but look, you're the merry
widow.

Women and children will be up. You've
got to tone it down. What do you mean?

asked us to do it ladylike, and that's
how we've done it. Look, do the best you

can. Go to your dressing room, learn the
words on the records, play them over

and over. Oh, and here are your
costumes.

We've got to wear these?

Yeah, why?

Oh, I don't know.

Working in clothes, we could get in
trouble with the union. Look, will you

the best you can?

Go to your dressing room. We'll show
them to their dressing room. Come here.

Come here.

Please, now, sir! No, not now. Not
forever, he'll tell you when.

Here are the records we learned at home.
Thank you, Buell. I'll never forget you

for this. Now, listen to me, do we
really got to wear all these clothes? I

we got fans out there. That's what
allows us up in this town. Baby, baby,

do the best you can, please.

Showtime! Oh, this is it. Now, look,
keep that curtain up and the show must

going. If you don't want to see me in
love, I'm working pinstripe. Keep this

show moving.

Our union delegates.

What are you doing in them clothes?
They're helping out a friend.

I'm sorry. All right, girls. Out. Out of
the theater.

It's the program. Please. I'm sorry.
They're wearing clothes. That's another

union altogether.

We've got to call it off. We can't.

Everybody's out there.

Well, Sergeant says the show must go on.
But we've got no women.

Wait a minute. We've got the costumes.
We've got the records to play.

Let's go.

Here, she's here, Prince Danilo. It's
Sonia, the merry widow. The merry widow.

The most beautiful woman in town. At
last I get to meet her.

Be still, my loving heart. The Countess
Sonia, the merry widow.

Well,

the merry widow is late. However, that
is the prerogative of all two.

Women, women, women, women, women, women
are.

You may start in the ways that you can.

But a woman's too much for a man.

I get to meet her.

The Countess Sonia the Merry Widow.

can -can girls. Bring on the women, the
can -can girls.

No, no. No, no.

I'm going to Mexico.

Weinhunt, in Vienna you would all be
horsewhipped.

Here, I am Max Steinhardt. I have never
given a bad performance, and I've never

given back a penny, so you might as well
get... Here's Mrs.

Fessler. Tell them who I am. Yes, he's
an embezzler. You've obviously been

drinking. Will you please be seated?

He took our $500.

You'll get your $500 back.

She will? Every cent. And, Sergeant,
will you please go on with the show?

It's about time the girls from your
school had a little fun.

Nancy, are the girls ready? They're all
ready, Dad.

Then on with the show!

Also appearing in tonight's cast were
Gretchen Wyler as Beulah, Margaret

Hamilton as Miss Nightingale, Janet
Medlin as Nancy Winthrop, Edith King as

Fessenden, Frank Thomas as Mr. Winthrop,
Paula Truman as Mrs.

Kremish, and Kay Strozzi as Mrs.

Gant.