All language subtitles for phil_silvers_show_s02e24_bilkos_black_magic

In spite of the fact that for over ten
years he has been living on nothing but

coconuts and fish.

Oh, Major, this is fantastic.

Believe me, Captain, the Army feels
worse about private metals than anybody.

It was just one of those colossal slip
-ups. Well, I still can't believe it.

During the war, when our troops
evacuated the island of Uchi -Kabuchi,

Private Mendelsohn was left behind by
mistake? That's right. He was there

three days ago when he was picked up by
a Japanese fishing boat and had flown

immediately to this post. Incredible.

Captain, the army has a lot to make up
for this man. And our first job is to

ease him slowly into a normal life.
That's why we brought him to a small

like this.

I'd like you to meet him. Good.

Would you step in, Private Mendelsohn?
Thank you, sir.

Now, step.

This is Captain Hutchins. Welcome to
Fort Baxter.

Thank you, sir.

Gosh, I'm meeting so many people today.

Well, you're going to meet a great many
more.

There's your sergeant to pick you up. My
sergeant. Come in.

Captain, sir?

Yes, sir.

Sergeant Bilko, this is Private
Mendelson.

Yes, Sergeant Bilko. I'm so glad to meet
you. He's being assigned to your motor

pool. My motor pool? Yes. Well, sir, I
haven't room, sir. We're crowded. I'll

watch it with you, kid. We're crowded
now, sir. I couldn't take care of him,

sir. I would gladly break. Would you
watch it? What are you doing?

Sir, perhaps I'm not the sergeant.
Quiet.

These are his orders. I'll get him some
bedding and take him in at Paymaster's.

But, sir, what's your... Quiet. This is
an order.

Yes, sir.

Come on.

Yes, sir.

Sergeant Grove, you've been in the Army
long enough to know that the Army can't

give you an advance on your salary. But,
sir, this is Saturday night. I know.

The night you played poker with Bilko.
Oh, really, sir? Now, look, Grover. The

Army advances money to soldiers only in
the case of various emergencies.

Next.

I want a report of various emergencies.

Next. What, sir?

Next. Yes, sir.

No man checking in, sir. Oh, Rupert, can
you use the new guy in your kitchen? I

got a dope guy. Wait a minute. Wait a
minute. Let him see him. Look at it.

at his finger. How about that? Do you
ever see a better finger for punching

holes in doughnuts?

You keep them. Hey, Grover, how about
you? Can you... No dice. All right.

Well, Private Lester Mendelsohn. Oh,
forgot to meet you, sir. Well, thank

Excuse me, sir. I couldn't help but
notice that he took a liking to you

away, sir.

Sir, I mean, after all, if you're
shorthanded... We're always shorthanded,

Oh, are you indeed, sir? Well, sir,
since I can spare him from my unit, why

don't we transfer him to your unit?
Sergeant. Oh, you'll love the finance

department. They're lovely. Come here.
I'll check them in.

Private Mendelsohn, you've got some back
pegs on me. Well, Sergeant, I'm a

mechanic. I don't... A mechanic? The
world is full of mechanic typists.

what you should be, is a typist. Let me
see now. Got any experience in typing?

No. Ah, I'll put down expert typer. Wait
a minute.

You learn in no time only, sir. Yes,
yes. You heard what the officer said.

learn in no time at all. Let me see now.
You've got to get a reason for your

transfer. Shortage of help in the
financial department.

This is a sloppy office here.

I... $1 ,600.

That brings his pay up to $1 ,955.

Excuse me, sir.

Did you say his pay?

Yes. His record show, he hasn't been
paid since 1942.

Hasn't been paid since 1942?

And, sir, I am surprised that you would
rule away one of my top mechanics at a

time when I'm so shorthanded, sir. Chief
Sergeant, you really mean you're

keeping me? I'd like to see anybody take
you away from me.

Yes, we're all going to be together.

Chief Sergeant!

Oh, there, there, Mendelsohn.

I'm sorry, sir. It's just that
everybody's so friendly. Kind of gets

in here, doesn't it, sir? Is there
anything else, sir? No, I've got to make

trip to the main thing. Perhaps I can
help you, sir? No, no, we're almost

finished. Yes, sir. Gee, sergeants, you
think the other boys in the platoon will

like me? Like you, you're like a breath
of spring when suddenly everything turns

to green. They'll love you.

Gee, having friends again.

Do they still play poker in the army?

Well, you like to play poker? I love it.

I'll see that they'll all learn just for
you.

Don't cry on the money, kid.

Well, that does it.

15 years back pay is $7 ,456 .38.

Let's get back to the barracks. Wait a
minute. He can't keep a sum like that in

his barracks. Why not, sir? We're all
bonded. Quiet!

Private Mendels, as your finance
officer, I'd advise you to put all that

where it's safe, in the United States
government bonds.

Just a darn moment, sir.

Did I hear correctly you advising this?

naive young man to take his money and to
speculate?

Speculate? Bilko, it's United States
government bonds.

Yes, sir. And if you've read the Russian
newspapers lately, you'd know how shaky

our government is, sir. Bilko, why? Oh,
you ask me? Proud to have an article.

The Americans are fly upon, sir. Quiet!

Now, Private Mendelson, this is your
decision. Sir, I know that you and

Bilko are trying to protect my money.
Sergeant, don't get mad at me when I say

this, but I want to take it all in cash.

I don't know, sir. It's that word cash.
It chokes me up.

Private Mendelsohn, do you understand
what you're doing? Yes, sir. For 15

I've dreamed of spending it on my
friend.

Sergeant. Yes, friend.

Don't scold me, sir. Don't scold me. I
know you'll probably say I'm throwing it

away, but that's the way I want it.

Bless you, sir.

What am I going to do with this
headstrong, impetuous boy?

I have a pretty good idea.

Really, son? That was uncalled for. Wait
a minute. Wait, wait.

You're going to take it away in cash?
You've got papers to sign. Yeah, I

what kind of welcome I'll get from the
men. I better want them. I mean, I

get your bunk ready. Bilko! Sir?

Really? What? Oh, oh, I didn't even know
that was there.

I developed these sudden cramps
everywhere. I don't... Hit it. Hit it.

Just smile. Are you smiling?

Smiling. Smiling, everybody.

Get over to the finance department.
There's a new man there. Show him his

back to this barracks.

Hold on. I'll give it to you straight
and quick. Gentlemen, there is a Santa

Claus.

Don't give me the grudges when I tell
you something. There is definitely a

Claus. And his name is Lester
Mendelsohn.

In a minute, he's going to walk in here
with the bag on his shoulder. And in the

bag, $7 ,000!

$7 ,000!

Quiet. Watch the door. Tell me when he
comes in. Get this right away. This poor

soul has been lost on a deserted island
since the middle of the war. He just got

15 years back paid.

15 years?

And does the money mean anything to him?
No.

All this guy wants to do is be with
human beings.

And if you play your cards right, he'll
never know the difference.

I've got no time for a lengthy debate
with you. Now, look. When he comes here,

want happiness. I want smiles.

I want him to be made welcome. Make like
he's... We're glad he's here. All

right. This

is a good example of

your friends who care that you... Stop
it. This is the most beautiful thing

ever happened to me. I don't know you
fellas.

Where's the guy?

Oh, he wasn't there.

He's lost.

Leave him alone. Find him. I'm warning
you. Find him. Find him. If anything

happens to him... I don't care. Find
him. I'm checking in. I've got no time

check -ins. Find him.

These are your friends.

Leave him alone.

Leave him alone. Let's just be a man of
science. Take his things, Rocco. Put him

in my room. He's been on his feet all
day. See if he gets a nice long rest.

What's with you guys?

Have a heart. This man is dead on his
feet. Give him a chance to rest.

Really?

Just lie down and rest, Lester. Ah, do
you have a nice rest?

Come here, sit down here.

Oh, good heavens, who put these cards
here?

How about some poker?

Poker? Oh, I'm surprised a man dead on
his feet. How can you suggest a boss of

you and sisters?

That's good enough for me with Frank.

Gee, a poker game in the barracks
together.

I've been dreaming about this for 15
years.

Poker. That's the game with ten cards?
No, just five.

Oh, yes, thank God it's Krivitz. That's
really my game, Krivitz. I just can't

get over how friendly everybody is on
the phone. That's the way we are. Your

usual $1 ,000 worth of chips, Rocco?
Yeah, take Sergeant Grover and Sergeant

Rittig. $500, there's the rest.

They came in the finance office.

Here's your $1 ,000, Henshaw. And they
only saw me once, and they asked me over

the kitchen for a little game of poker.

Here's yours. Give the $1 ,000, you
better count it. No, wait, let me

Where was I?

You're in the kitchen playing poker with
Grover. Let's see. Oh, yeah. Five

cards, Dad. Yeah, I get this. This is
really funny. In five minutes, they

cleaned me out.

Five minutes, they cleaned it out. Isn't
that funny? Did you get it? In five

minutes, they cleaned it out.

Don't you get the humor of this?

Five minutes, I left them alone. They
got them into the kitchen. They paid $7

,000.

I need to shake it so fast. In five
minutes, did I do something wrong?

Yes, you did the thing wrong. I mean,
don't feel bad for me.

But you lost your entire bangle to the
two -way scamblers in the United States.

Well, I mean, what's money?

The main thing is when I left that
kitchen, I had a feeling I had two new

friends.

Sergeant Richard gave me a cupcake.

Gave you a cupcake? A $7 ,000 cupcake.

It was delicious.

It was. Well, you joked for another
thousand, you could have got one with a

raisin in it.

Five minutes I left them alone. Just
five minutes.

Why? Why?

Why?

All right, all right.

You can wipe the smiles off your face.
There is no Santa Claus.

No Santa Claus? No.

While we were practicing to be friendly,
Grover and Ritzig were friendlier. They

took the kid for everything.

What a thing to do. By those hills.
They're snakes. That's what they are.

That's what they are. What are we?

What are we going to do for them? Make
them financially secure?

Yeah, but Sarge.

Poor soul. Lost on an island all those
years. Dreaming of one thing. Coming

to friends.

What does he come home to find?

Vultures? What a homecoming that poor
kid had. Wait a minute, Sarge. Why don't

you get the money back from them the
same way they took it from the kid by

playing poker?

That's too slow.

After what they did, they've got to be
made to suffer. Well, then how are you

going to do it?

I'll think of something.

By tomorrow night when we give our
welcome home party to Lester.

Sarge, we're having a party? Yes.

And the feature of the party is going to
be when Grover and Ritzig, two

shattered hulks, come in and make $7
,000 at Lester's feet.

I'll think of something. All right, get
back to your work. You've got to stay

with me.

Like a friend? What is this?

Comic books are... Hey!

How many times have I told you guys I
don't want comic books laying around?

is this? Hey, that's mine.

Yours, Fender?

I'm really shocked.

You? You read this, Dribble? Well,
Voodoo Vengeance. Would you believe it?

with children reads this?

Sarge, listen. Oh, quiet.

On a lonely island in the South Pacific,
Goomba, the god of vengeance, in his

voodoo... Really, I'm some voodoo.

Devil doll.

Witchcrafter. If this was two idiots
like Grover and Ritzig, I could believe

But you?

You...

Grover and Ritchie?

Hello. Hello.

Hello. What are you going to do?
Whatever I'm doing, I'm doing it to

Ritchie. You see, they all wear the same
dresses because they're in the army.

They're called wax. Oh, I forgot.

I'm getting used to barrack life. When
am I going to get to work?

Oh, wait a minute. First you've got to
get adjusted.

Oh, yeah. I think the army calls it
therapy. You've got to get used to life

again. And it's normal that you do some
handicraft, make some dolls, model clay,

music. Music? I don't play any
instruments.

You can beat a drum, can't you? I think
so. Well, it's simple. I'll get you the

implements for the clay modeling you
make. Start right now. The sooner you

start, the quicker you'll get to the
diamond line. Right. Now you start

doll, then we'll get some clay for
modeling.

Jack, you're always looking at the
money. Every ten minutes. Ooh, $7 ,000.

me see it just once more. Now, listen to
me. If Philco finds out that we got

this money, I'll tell you what. Oh,

hi. Hey, that's wonderful bean soup. I'm
glad you like it.

Sorry I'm late, fellas, but those jerks
in my platoon, they're getting nothing

but trouble. Usual stakes, five and ten?
The usual.

Well, if you want to increase the limit.

Crease the limit. Where would we get
money?

Yeah, where would we get 7 ,000?

We're broke.

We're dead broke.

What was the trouble over in your
barrack? That new kid left there.

Whatever his name is. New kid? Yeah, you
know how the jerks in my platoon, how

superstitious they are? Somebody saw him
when he was undressed. He had something

around his neck. Throw him outside.
Throw him out.

What was around his neck? A monkey's
paw.

A monkey's paw?

Yeah, some nonsense about a monkey's paw
as a symbol of Goomba, the voodoo god

of vengeance. I laughed at them. Are
they kidding me?

Voodoo god of vengeance. The kid told me
this gives him powers to put a curse on

anybody that's ever done him an
injustice.

A curse?

Who would do a kid an injustice?

Yeah. And a kid in the middle of Kansas?
Where's he going to learn about

voodooism? Well, this is a kid that's
been lost for 15 years on a desert

in the South Pacific.

Really? I didn't see his records. I
don't know. Well, maybe the natives are

the island.

Oh, stop.

You're not going to give me that
malarkey. The natives thought he was a

god, and they taught him all the tricks
of voodoo magic, are you? Why not?

Oh, it's ridiculous. I'll show you how
ridiculous it is. I walked over and

I want that out of here. I took the
monkey's paw, ripped it right off his

and threw it out. Are they kidding with
me?

Did I do the target? Oh, yeah. You got
your five?

Come on.

Your hand.

What's the matter?

It's been like this almost.

It keeps getting a little shorter, but
it's nothing. Come on.

Don't take those things too lightly.

What are you talking nonsense? That may
fool you, but not me. Let's just get

shorter, all of you.

How many cards do you want?

Well, let me see. I'll take... What was
that?

What was what?

A drum. I just heard it. What are you
talking nonsense? How many cards do you

want? Well, all right. Give me... There
it goes again. You must have heard it.

It's the warning.

It's the warning.

If voodooism was true, what are you
worried about? It has nothing to do with

you. It only has powers of people that
did something to their kid or took

something from them. You didn't take
anything from them, did you? No, no.

Relax.

How many cards do you want?

7 ,000.

I don't believe this. Two grown men,

you're acting like a couple of idiots.

You don't believe in this stuff, do you?
No, no.

I wouldn't believe it if I didn't see.
You guys are nuts. I keep telling you,

it was true, what are you worried about?
It has nothing to do with... As a

matter of fact, I just remember the kid
told me, he likes you.

He does?

You did something nice. Yeah, I was good
to him. I gave him a cupcake.

Oh, did you? Yeah. Well, you see, I
almost forgot. How silly can I get? He

me something to give you.

Oh, he did?

The guy back right here. I made him for
you, he said. Oh, tell him thanks a lot.

Oh, the devil doubts.

Devil doubts.

I've seen him in comic books. In comic
books, don't lie.

Rupert Scampi. Oh, now that was a kiss.

Now, let's go home. All right.

The grace of goodbye.

Now, Rupert, we must repent.

I knew it.

Rupert McRoney. Oh, for the first time
in my life, I ever won $7 ,000.

It's got to be a Goomba, the god of
vengeance. Oh, but put yourself

Oh, it was your idea.

I didn't want to play no cards with no
voodoo. I was good, too. I gave him a

cupcake. Hey, Goomba, I gave you a
cupcake.

I gave you a cupcake.

It looks just like you, Dino.

Hi, fellas.

Hi.

The therapy coming along. Pretty good.
How long do I have to keep this up? Now,

look, Lester, you know Dr.

Zotto's handicraft is good for your
mind. I know, but I'm so tired. I've

all night beating that drum. Hey, Sarge,
how long do I have to pose here?

You're beefing about.

The minute he's through with you, you'll
go on a two -day pass.

Yeah? Sure.

The minute he's through with you, off
you go. Disappear. I don't want to see

around. Hey, Lester, hurry up, will you?
Hey, look, when you're through with it,

why don't you take it over to Richard's
kitchen, have him put it in the oven so

you'd bake it and it'll keep it nice and
hot. Oh, yeah, yeah, I know. And look,

when you put it in, carry it like this
so it doesn't crack. It'll keep it

Sure, sure. The minute he's through with
Paparelli Doberman, you pose next.

Oh, goody.

I'll give him back the money. I want you
to be calm. Be calm.

All right.

Boy, I must have slept ten hours last
night.

Say, Niner, did you hear those drums
last night?

Well, you're still not on that voodoo
kick, are you?

No. Well, let's not get too ridiculous,
shall we?

I came in here looking for Paparelli.
Did you see him?

Paparelli? No. Well, that jerk gives me
nothing but trouble. He didn't check in

last night. I'll have to mark him A
-well if I don't. Did you see him this

morning? No, he didn't even show up for
breakfast.

All the trouble that jerk gives me. Last
night he got into a fracas with this

new kid. He took the new kid's towel. I
can't even find him to ball him out. If

you see Paparelli, let me know, will
you?

There, you see?

Everybody's kicking this new kid Lester
around. What have we got to worry about?

Yeah, we're worried about that.

What's on your mind? May I put this in
your oven? Oh!

Can you tell who it is?

Paparelli! That's right.

I thought it came out pretty well.

May I put it in?

Go right ahead.

It'll take about an hour.

Lester. Yeah? You want a cookie?

Take a cookie, Lester.

Take a cookie, Lester!

Cookies? That's what he put in there.

Yeah, right with the spaghetti and the
meatballs.

Cookies, spaghetti, and meatballs. We
gotta give him back the money.

Okay, I'll give him back the money any
time.

Hey, that's Paparelli. The new kid said
he was in here. Yeah, Paparelli is here.

What is it?

Look, I've got no time for clowning
around. Ernie, this is not clowning,

here. You wouldn't believe this voodoo.
But look in there.

What are you talking about? Look in
there.

Poor Paparelli.

Well? That's the way he would like to
go, with spaghetti and meatballs.

I've got to get out of here. Hey!

We're next, we're next. What do you
mean, you're next? Well, we took $7 ,000

of Iboga.

Arnie, give him back the money. I don't
want that. There's a curse on that

money. Take it away from me.

Arnie, what can we do? What can we do? I
don't know. How did you guys get him?

Hey, wait a minute. I just thought of
something.

Counter voodoo.

Count of Voodoo? Yeah, last night I was
talking to the new kid about Voodoo, you

know, just for last year. And he said
there's a way of taking a curse off

Voodoo. He wrote it down for me. It's in
here. Well, what does it say? You read

it. I want no part of it. Do me a favor,
will you? Yeah, you don't know me. All

right? You're in enough trouble without
me. I don't want to be in... Goodbye,

Paparelli.

Paparelli!

What does the paper say? What does it
say?

How to break the curse of Goomba.

First wear a necklace of chicken bones.

Chicken bones?

Next, rub a raw egg on your forehead.

Then at the magic hour of midnight in
underwear, meet under a lone tree in a

field and offer repentance to Goomba.

Oh, no.

This is what it says.

Oh, we look like two fine jerks walking
around with eggs in our foreheads in

long underwear.

Yeah, this is ridiculous.

There must be another way. I got another
one.

That's right.

Can I put them in your oven? Wait.

Paparelli ain't done yet.

What are you doing up, Rupert? It's
midnight.

Oh, never mind. Go back to bed. Where is
he? Where is he?

Panic, I have a business appointment.

It's midnight.

It's midnight.

So what? This guy likes to do business
at night. Rupert, are you in trouble?

Look, I'm in no trouble. Stop gassing
and go back to sleep, will you please?

What now?

What's that you're wearing around your
neck?

Oh, this.

Oh, I always wear this. You probably
never noticed it before.

What are you trying to give me? I never
saw that in my life.

All right, can a man wear a necklace
made out of chicken bones if he wants

Do I complain about your hats?

What now?

What have you got on your forehead?

Oh, I got a little egg on my forehead.

You've got an egg on your forehead? What
is that for?

Oh, how did I ever marry such a nosy
dame?

you've got egg on your forehead. You're
my husband and I've got a right to know.

Oh, brother, what a pest.

Do you ask me questions like other wives
ask their husbands? Like, why do you

stay out late? Why do you go out with
other girls? No.

You've got to ask me, why do I have egg
on my forehead?

Well, why do you have egg on your
forehead?

Because I'm a sloppy eater.

What do you mean it wasn't enough?

Yeah, we stood underneath that tree and
we were freezing all night.

And Goomba didn't even show up.

Well, Goomba thought it over and for $7
,000 he decided to make a bigger

penalty, he said.

Well, what does he want?

See, I don't know how to tell you this.

Well, what is it?

The kid says that Goomba wants... Yeah?

A human sacrifice.

A human sacrifice?

Either that or in the oven.

Why don't you be a human sacrifice?

At least one of us will be saved. Why
not you?

Oh, I'm a married man. I'm deferred.

I ain't going to do it.

Now, come on. You're always beefing
about the army. Being a human sacrifice,

maybe that'll be a good way out for you.
Now, look. Let's get this straight.

I ain't going to be a human sacrifice.

Well, look, fellas.

Somebody's got to do it. But who?

I don't know what's going on around
here. People coming in, going out all

of the night. You think it's the Grand
Central Station. I'm moving off this

into an apartment where we can have some
fun.

Emma?

Oh, no.

She's my wife. I love her. We've been
married 25 years, so that's a long time.

Maybe it's long enough.

Hey, Ebba, come here. I want to talk to
you. I just thought of something. But,

Ernie, Goomba said... Wait a minute.

There'll be a full moon tonight.

I just thought of another way to appease
the vengeance of Goomba. What is it?

I'll think of something. I mean, I'll
find out, and I'll let you know. But,

Ernie, look, I...

Did you want something?

No, but... Stand by.

He's a jolly good fellow, which nobody
can deny.

What is this? Oh, this is a little
pageant we do for all the new men to

platoon. Here, give me the chair, quick.

All right, now if you'll laugh to open
up the ice.

He's your vengeance.

Here is $7 ,000.

Now, please, do not do to us what you
did to Paparelli and Doberman. What

us? Yeah, what happened? Hey, it's them.

Look at Paparelli. He's done.

Hey,

Sarge, what's going on? Yeah, what is
it?

Listen, mighty Goomba, we went to a lot
of trouble to teach you one lesson.

There's only one place for your money.
United States government bonds.

Yeah. No, no, no.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. This is my
money. I want to spend it on my

friends. Now, listen. If I have to, I'll
do it myself.

I'll take this and put it in buns for
you. Well, thanks, Sarge.

And I want you to take this, too.

A devil doll! A devil doll! He made a
devil doll of you!

Oh, stop it, Dad. You don't believe in
this nonsense. I just got through with

these two other characters.

Grover, I... I can't turn my neck. What
is that? Oh, I'm sorry, Sarge. Boom!

What was that?

Boom! Boom!

Take the money.

in tonight's cast were Hope Sandsbury as
Mrs. Hall, Paul Lipson as Lonesome Sam,

Bob Chauley as Feldman, George McIver as
the Marching Rookie, and Tony Galento

as Little Pete.

Now, stay tuned for more of our farewell
to Phil Silver's Invertivision.