All language subtitles for phil_silvers_show_s02e11_where_theres_a_will

I do not!

With this $100, which you get according
to the rules of the platoon, help a

buddy fund, we send you into civilian
life with memory.

Over here, over there.

Memories, memories. Remember your first
20 -mile hike? Remember how your feet

hurt and I used to let you wear
sneakers?

Did he ever pay for the rental of those
sneakers? No. How much was that? $8.

$8.

Memories of the barracks.

Don't cry on the money. The memories of
the barracks that you spend with your

buddies. Did he pay the bunk tax?

$12. Let me see. Latrine toll?

140 times 10 cents, $14. Smoking
license?

$2. What does that count to? $28.

$28.

$28. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle
all the way. Oh, listen to that.

Remember the fun we used to have at the
Christmas party? Yeah, what fun?

Fun we had.

Do you remember you fell into the
Christmas tree and knocked it over?

What was the breakage on that?

$9. $9.

$9. memories,

memories. Do you remember the bivouac?

Oh, the bivouac? I was having fun with
your buddy.

How does he stand on that?

Rental a sleeping bag, $5. Tent and
cooking utensils, $5. Permit to build a

fire, $6.

Listen, what about water? For water, you
may have to pay cash.

Oh, I see. Now, what does that come to?

$25. $25 makes us even. Even, but I...
Hello.

Did you get the money?

That's some fun. Help a buddy fund.

Yeah, it's easier to get money on a Fort
Knox with a can opener. Oh, wait a

minute. What's with you guys?

Rick Chickering is a civilian now. What
would that $100 mean to him? It just put

him in a higher tax bracket.

And who gets the tax money?

Uncle Sam.

What does Uncle Sam do with the tax
money?

Spend it on soldiers.

What are we?

Soldiers? See?

All I did was eliminate the middleman.

Look, we've got to replenish the welfare
fund. Is that rookie here, the kid with

the freckles? Yes, sir. We'll start a
pool on how many freckles a kid has.

All right, you all got your bet found,
Ritzig? You got your bet in? Yeah. Now,

you're sure you never saw this kid
before?

Are you kidding? He's a recruit. He just
checked in 15 minutes ago. Okay. Hold

it.

$15 and avoid my single -core platoon.

What number? We'll take 175 freckles.
Put down a signal, 175.

Will you all set it?

Go ahead.

Count. One, two, three, four, five...
Hey, Josh, Josh!

Wait a minute, what's this? I know, but
look, come here.

I just picked up this Detroit paper in
the day room.

The will of the late Abner Chickering,
industrialist, to be read Wednesday.

That's today.

Chickering? Yeah. Is that the kid that
was... Yeah, yeah, the uncle of Gregory

Chickering, who used to be in our
platoon.

Look, here's his name.

Gregory Chickering. He's one of the few
heirs.

Gregory Chickering? Yeah. Gonna be a
millionaire.

Hey, maybe he'll remember his buddies
when the door rolls in. Are you kidding?

The only thing he'll remember is the
four years he spent with us.

The wound up broke.

Thanks to a certain sergeant who shall
be nameless.

What do you want from me? How did I know
he was going to be a millionaire? He

dressed like us. He ate the same food.
How else was he going to dress?

Well, I mean, he gave no indications of
being nervous. I mean, I've been around

heirs before.

The minute a Western Union boy shows up,
they start putting on a black armband.

I mean, I never even caught him once
reading the obituary column. I read the

obituary column, and I come from a long,
unbroken line of paupers.

Hey, get $20 out of the welfare fund.
Right, Sarge. Why?

Flowers. We've got to show him we want
to share his grief.

Yeah, but, Sarge, it's too late to be
nice to him.

What do you mean, too late? I was always
nice to him.

Didn't I treat him exactly like any
other member of this platoon?

Yeah.

All right, it's too late. Back to the
table.

I, Abner Chickering, being sound of mind
and body...

I bequeath to my beloved nephew, Alfred,
and his wife, Agnes, my townhouse and

all its possessions.

To my loving niece, Hester Reeves, and
her husband, Carl, I leave my

And finally, to my nephew, Gregory
Chickering, who thought more of going

the army than learning the family
business, I leave one dollar and my pet

parrot.

One dollar?

And the parrot.

But I was one of my uncle's favorites.

Now, please.

Now, for the disposition.

Mrs. Gregory, here are the keys to the
house.

Mrs. Reeves, here are the keys to the
car.

Gregory, here's some seed for the
parrot.

There must be some mistake.

Cousin Alfred, it was you who said that
Uncle Abner wanted me to go into the

house. Nonsense, my boy. But you did.

It's too late for your tears, Gregory.

Four years in the army and you didn't
even write him one letter.

Not one letter. I wrote every single
week, Hester.

Oh, Cousin Hester, you always opened the
mail for Uncle Abner at the factory.

Didn't you see them?

I never saw anything from you. Come,
Carl. But that's impossible. I wrote

week.

Oh, Mr. Garner, they poisoned his mind
against me. My son, I wouldn't accuse

anybody unless I had proof.

One dollar to Paris.

Isn't there anything I can do? Gregory,
as a lawyer, I must tell you, they have

blocked all avenues of escape.

There must be someone I can turn to.
Well, I'm afraid it would take a special

type of genius to outfox those cousins
of yours. Special type of genius? Yes, a

master conniver, an ingenious finigular,
a man with honey on his tongue and

larceny in his heart.

Then you know Sergeant Bilko.

Sergeant who?

Bilko. May I use your phone, please?

Long distance? Give me Fort Baxter,
Kansas. Gregory, the legal fees on these

will cases isn't as large as people
think.

I understand.

Reverse the charges, please.

Here you come. All right, thank you.
Hello, hello.

Please.

Hello, operator.

Yes, this is Sergeant Bilko.

I can't hear you.

You must be calling ship to shore.

His yacht may be in choppy water. Hello,
operator. Yes, I can hear you now. What

is that?

Will I accept the call?

You mean he reversed the charges?

So what? You can't put $100 into a coin
box.

Yes, Alfred, I'll be glad to accept
those charges. Thank you.

Hello? Hello, Greg!

How much did you... Hiya, boy! Hiya,
baby boy!

Ernie, you're the only one I can turn
to. They just read the will and all I

was $1 and a parrot.

Gregory, what are you talking about?
It's a bad connection.

Heck, it's weird. I heard you say that
all you got was $1 and a parrot.

What?

That's what you did?

Opera, there's some mistake about
accepting the charge. You've got the

number. This is the San Francisco Opera
Company. We're doing bigoletto.

Well, I'll be here. Oh, no, no, no, no.

Sgt.

Sgt. Sgt. Sgt. Sgt. Sgt. Sgt. Sgt. Sgt.
Sgt. Sgt.

Sgt. Sgt. Sgt.

Sgt. Sgt. Sgt. Sgt. Sgt. Sgt.

Sgt. Sgt. Sgt.

Sgt.

Sgt.

Sgt.

Sgt.

Sgt.

Sgt.

Sgt.

Now pull yourself, pry me the whole
story. Go ahead.

Which cousin was that?

Well, is the lawyer to be trusted?

Hey, Sarge, are you really going to
Detroit? It's the least I can do. I've

to see that chickering gets his legal
inheritance. That jerky kid, he's been

with me four years. He figured we'd
learn never to trust anybody.

Okay, Sarge, you're all packed. I'll put
it in the jeep. I'll pack your bag.

Mine? You're going with me. Me? Help!

Come on, I've got to get some help
around here. I'm dealing in millions.

Now, let me see. Now, who's got a three
-day pass coming?

Dolman and Fleischman.

Fine. That's great. I'm shooting for
high stakes. I ran over a pair of

All right.

Doberman, pack your bag. You pack your
bag. You're coming with me to Detroit.

Detroit? I don't want to spend my three
-day pass in Detroit, sir. Hey, listen

to him. Didn't you ever hear of Detroit
F .O .B.? You know what F .O .B. stands

for? Sure.

Full of blonde.

Who's been talking to him?

He came here a sweet, innocent kid. Look
at him now. All right.

Go on. Pack your stuff. I always keep
bickering with underlings. You heard the

sergeant. That's right. Now hurry up,
Doberman. Good boy. Now you pack your

Henshaw. Me? Yeah. I don't know anybody
in Detroit.

You know Doberman? Yeah. He'll be there.
All right.

Cool. Hey, Sarge, what plan are you
going to use on those crooked cousins?

been thinking about it. Let me see.

I think I got it. They just got newly
rich, you know? They'll be suckers for

culture.

That's it. I'll sell them an original
Rembrandt.

Is Corporal Sam Rembrandt still with the
kitchen platoon?

No, he was transferred.

Well, that's that odd.

Hey, have I got any of that phony South
American uranium stock left?

Phony? You sold it all to us.

Oh. I just wanted to see if you boys
were awake.

Hey, Sarge, what about that stock? Hold
on to it.

But you said we'd make millions. I just
got a wire from the president of Peru.

They're starting to excavate. The Inca
people are helping. They've come down

the mines, and they're digging
furiously. Come on. Let's go.

Give me time. I haven't picked my comic
books for the trip yet.

Train number 76, the Midwesterner from
Omaha, will arrive on schedule on track

34. All passages changing for Toronto.

Suspense.

You know how to do his call, right?

Here we go again with the bit, come
here.

Look, we haven't got much time. I've got
to find out all the information I can

quickly. Now, you're out of it.

Where's Dortmund? He's right up in...
Chuck, I told you to keep an eye on him.

This is a big city. If they find him
wandering around, I'll put him in a

There he is.

Do you have Elvis Presley in outer
space?

Dortmund, stick with the group like I
told you. Stick with the group. Keep an

eye on him.

Now, look, I've got to find out quickly.

Your relatives, are they sporting
people? I mean, will they bet on a fixed

race? No, they never play the races. Oh,
that's sad. How about this? Will they

buy a mean coat without seeing it first?

No. Well, I've got to think.

Uh, if I... If I get the... Where's
Doberman?

Did I tell you to keep an eye on him?
Didn't I? Where is he?

Doberman! Doberman!

Two Mickey Mouse's for one Donald Duck,
okay?

Come on, come on, Dalton, come on.

Sarge, I got the sucker about to be
fleeced.

Okay, come on.

Now listen, I'll tell you what, stick
with the group.

Hey, Sarge, did you see the way I
handled it? Oh, that was so clever.

Oh, no.

What's the matter?

She took me. What do you mean?

She slipped in the National Geographic.

Keep an eye on her, Sarge. Did you think
of anything yet?

Yes, Dalton just gave me an idea.

We'll make a trade. A trade?

What if I got the trade? The parrot.

Cyclops? Cyclops. That's what they call
him because he only has one eye.

One eye or not. They're going to be so
anxious to get that parrot, they'll

you anything to get it. Leave it to me.
I don't understand.

If you understood, it wouldn't be any
good. Let me see.

Where are your relatives now?

They're probably over at Uncle Abner's
house. I got the address and phone

number, Sarge. All right, Jack. Now you,
don't stop. Hold it. Hold it. If you

want to do any crying, go down to the Y
where you're registered. We'll call you

when we want you. Come on. Now we've got
to move fast. Let's go.

I mean...

Come on. Come on before she gets your
uniform. Come on.

Why don't you pick on somebody else's
sides, miss?

We're too sorry.

The first thing we do, we get out of
these clothes, right? Then a quick

rehearsal. Do you know how to pick the
pony points? Let me try it.

Let's go.

Don't let them have it, Hester. No, it's
part of the estate. We got half the

estate. Don't think you can pull that.

You're not talking to a sap like Cousin
Gregory.

All we want is something to remember
beloved Uncle Abner by.

Good. Then take the portrait.

Oh, I don't want that ugly old picture
in my house.

I'll take this. Oh, no, you don't. What?

Who can that be?

This house has been closed up for two
years.

See what it is.

Oh!

Well, is there anything I can... Shut
up!

See here, you just can't break it. Shut
up!

Just keep perfectly still and nobody
will get hurt. There must be some

This is the home of the late Abner
Chickering.

Chickering. So that's the name Hard Rock
went by, huh?

Hard Rock?

Shut up!

Where is it? Where is what? Shut up!

Wherever it is, I'll find it. I'll find
it.

That's for me.

Hello. Yeah, this is a weasel.

I didn't find it yet, but it's here and
I'll find it.

Now, there's nobody here but a group of
stupid relatives.

What? Yes. Now, get ready to sail. The
minute I get it, we're off.

You got the crew together?

No ears?

The beast? The hook?

The rat?

Don't tell anybody but the rat. He's the
only one I can trust.

Here. I'll find it. Don't you worry.
I'll find it and away we go with it. All

right.

All right, Hard Rock.

I'll find it. If it's here, I'll find
it.

Thought you had the last laugh on me,
didn't you, Hard Rock?

I'm the last one of the gang left.

You left me for dead on an anthill in
the Gobi Desert.

But you didn't figure out my one, the
Camel Zimum, who nursed me back to

and untied me. And you're dead and I'm
alive?

You may find it. You may find it.

We've got to find it before he does.
Find what? Whatever it is your uncle hid

from the rest of his gang. Oh, gang?

Uncle Abner was a timid little man. I
don't think he ever left Detroit.

it is, we've got to find it first. Yes.

I'll find it, Hard Rock. Wherever you
put it, Hard Rock, I'll find it. Don't

worry about that. I'll find it, Hard
Rock. You're never going to outsmart me.

You'll find it. Find what?

Well, if you'll just tell us what you're
looking for. Sam!

Get this straight right away. I'm not
sharing this with anybody.

I didn't travel halfway around the
world.

I didn't outwit 30 secret police
officers in different countries.

No, sir, it's all mine. I'm the last one
left. The last one left.

You were the last one left, Wolf.

Wolf Larson.

Hello, Wolf. I didn't know that... I
wouldn't... Reach, Weasel. Grab some

Surprised to see me?

Surprised? I say I'd be surprised. No
reason, except you pushed me into a

pit in the middle of Africa.

Now, look, you know what I mean. Yeah,
you took those tigers to take care of

didn't you? But one thing you didn't
figure out, that I'd be saved in the

of time by a passing band of friendly
Mau -Maus.

Oh, those friendly Mau -Maus. Yeah,
they'd nice me back to health.

Now, look, Wolf, you know I was under
instructions from Hard Rock. Shut up.

your prayers.

Is this it? Yeah.

All right.

Wolf, let me go out like a man.

Give me a cigarette.

Yeah, okay.

Thanks, Wolf. I knew you'd... All

right,

say your prayers, Wolf.

All right, Weasel, kill me. Make the
biggest mistake of your life.

What do you mean? If you kill me, you'll
never find Hard Rock's map of the

island. They don't know about the
island.

They didn't hear me say nothing about
Hard Rock's map of the island.

All right.

Keep talking.

I got half the map, see? And I'm the
only one who knows where the other half

If you kill me, you'll never find where
Hard Rock buried it. All right, Wolf.

You've bought yourself a pot. Where's
the other half of the map? Now you're

getting smart.

Right here.

This is what happened.

Come on in the next room.

Walls have ears and nobody moves.

Did you hear that? Uncle Abner buried it
on an island.

Buried what? It's ours. It's ours. What?
I don't know. We've got to find it.

Yes. We've got to find it.

Looking for something?

Oh, no.

We're just spacing up the house.

We'll be out of here in a minute. Find a
map.

Right. It's in the wall safe, right
behind this picture.

What wall safe? Are you out of process?
I swear to you, weasel, I was told it

was in the safe behind that picture. Who
told you?

Was it the title?

Yeah. He's a liar.

Yeah.

Let me see. Where did you get your half
of the map? From Hilda.

Hilda? Yeah. Hong Kong Hilda? Yeah, that
crazy hunk of stuff who used to sing in

the half gas joint. Are you nuts?

She's Crazy China Charlie's gal. Why
would she give you half of the map? If

gave it to anybody, she'd give it to
Crazy China Charlie.

Why dig him up just to give him a map?

What do you mean?

I had to. We usually knew about the
Duchess.

The Duchess?

Who told him about the Duchess?

Was it Noah Schmidt? Who could tell
Noah?

He heard it from

me. Crazy China Charlie.

Look, Charlie, I want to talk to you.

Throw me your half of the map.

What good is half a map for you?

Because I've got the other half.

Where'd you get it?

The Eskimo gave it to me.

The Eskimo. You'll never figure on the
obvious. The Eskimo.

Now look, you don't want this half of
the map. Give me the map.

There's enough here for the rest of us?

There certainly is.

Thirty million dollars worth of
diamonds.

What? Thirty million dollars worth of
diamonds. Quiet, they'll hear you.

I want to tell you something, Charlie. I
always liked you. This may come as a

surprise to you, but if I ever had a
son, I was going to call him Crazy China

Charlie Jr.

Give me the map.

The map.

The knife. The map.

I'll give you the map for the knife.
It's a deal.

I got the map. I got the map. I got the
knife.

I got a gun.

I'll give you the knife for the gun.

Not the gun.

Now to put the two halves of the map
together.

What's wrong? Look.

It's just the outline of an island with
an X on it and some crazy foreign

writing. There's no writing, no nothing.
That's funny.

Fire. There must be a million islands.

Maybe there's a clue in these maps where
the island is.

Yeah. Hey, Charlie, who did you kill to
get the map?

Singapore Sam.

Singapore Sam. Hey, we should hear that.
Singapore Sam is dead.

Singapore Sam. Wait a minute. Isn't he
the one who works for? Oh, no.

The bad man.

I'm going to get out of here. Me too.
Wait for me.

Wait a minute, man. We were only trying
to get...

Good evening.

Well, well, gentlemen.

So glad you could come. Look, fat man,
if we wouldn't have a question... If we

knew you were involved... Made me dirty
an excellent pair of gloves.

Now, uh, what have we here? Now, wasn't
I the one that said... Oh, he's at the

block. Silence!

The meth's wrong to you, fat man. You're
the only one that can sign with a code.

This is interesting.

What is it, Batman?

Mongolian hieroglyphics.

My native tongue.

To find exactly where the treasures lie,
ask Cyclops, who has one eye.

Wait a minute. There's no guy in this
cave who has one eye, Batman.

Maybe they know something.

Let me interrogate them. No, let me.
But, Sarge.

He remembers my name from that old
Russian bank job. Serge Kuzitsky.

Fat man wants to know, you got any heirs
or any relatives with one eye?

Psycho! What? What was that what she's
saying? What?

Nothing, nothing.

We're up against a stone wall. They
won't talk, fat man.

What'll I do with them?

Oh, let them go.

I beat it and thank your lucky stars
that the fat man's in a good mood. You

didn't see nothing. You don't know
nothing. No, no, no.

Thank you. Oh, thank you.

No, quick, let's get to him first. We'll
get in the house.

We'll get in the house.

Yes.

Boys,

you are magnificent.

No, but what was that with the, with the
brassards?

Brassards. Oh, shut up.

Hello. Hello, is this the Y? Let me
speak to Gregory Chickering. Hey, Sarge,

when you said one eye and her face is
lit up.

All right, all right, it's over.

Hello, Gregory?

Gregory, I've got to talk fast. This is
Sergeant Billigan. I hear me. I can only

tell you once. I've got to get your
train back to the camp. Now, look.

Your beloved cousins are on their way
over there to see you. Now, look. They

want that parrot.

Don't ask me why they want it. But don't
give it to them unless you get the rest

of the estate.

The house, the car, the works.

Everything is yours if you pay it right.

Averelli? Zimmerman?

Mullen? Bender? Yeah.

That all? That's it, Sarge.

There you like that. Now, one postcard.

Not one postcard. Here I am, practically
laying an inheritance in his lap. You

think he would write and show his
gratitude? No.

You know what I think of Gregory
Chickering? He's just a no -good,

Sarge, look!

Gregory, maybe I'm just talking about
you.

What? I'm going to share the inheritance
with all of you equally.

Is that hot?

Hot? You don't have to. How much did it
come to? I mean, the cars, the house?

Sarge, I've been around you too long to
fall for that kind of stuff.

What do you mean? My cousin has to burn
it out. We got 30 million coming to us.

Oh, I've got to go through all this
again. Who's got a three -day pass?

All right, you're Aram, a Syrian rug
dealer with a secret patent woven into a

Persian rug.

Sarge, this pirate knows where a fortune
is buried.

Yeah. You're Abdullah, secret son of a
chief of the Moorish tribe.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Bruce
Kirby as Gregory Chickory.

Members of the family were played by
Abby Lewis, Martha Greenhouse, Bernd

Thornton, and Ben Lachlan.

Harry Bannister was the attorney.