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Justin, expelling you from school would
break your father's heart.
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I know, Dean Seymour. But look at these
marks. Failing in every subject. Falling
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asleep in classes.
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I'm sorry, sir. Of course, if you insist
on gambling all night with those low
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00:00:36,900 --> 00:00:41,260
characters in town... It's Sergeant
Bilko to see you. Bilko? He's in charge
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that motor pool platoon. We're here to
give our ROTC unit their four -week
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training course in Army vehicle
maintenance.
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He says it's urgent. Well, send him in.
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Justin, I've tried everything to
discipline you, to break you of your
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gambling. Sir, this is a pleasure. My
men and I have just been on this ivy
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-covered capital's yacht just for ten
minutes, and already the spirit of
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is in our blood.
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Schmill, men!
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Schmill, men!
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Observatory! Hill, men! Oh, it's a grand
show!
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00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:09,220
Sergeant Bilko, you said there's
something urgent.
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Yes, there is. My men and I were rather
upset to find that no arrangements had
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been made for a dance welcoming us to
the campus. Dance?
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Yes, but fortunately I had some tickets
printed.
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for a welcome visiting soldier's dance
to our campus affair.
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There'll be a slight charge, but the
faculty is admitted free. You can be
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to it or not.
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Sergeant Goethe, if you and your men
have looked forward to a gay and
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stay in some playboy college, forget it.
Schmill is interested only in the
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development of the mind. Sir, it's just
a little fundraising activity.
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That's all.
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Well, sir, I am disappointed.
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I thought that after the stern
discipline in life we lead in the
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You've changed your mind about the
dance, have you?
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Discipline. Army discipline.
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We'll need a glee club, sir, to give the
opening... Sergeant Bilko, you're just
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the man I need to help me with Justin.
This is Justin Pierce. How are you? Now,
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we'll need a place for the girls to
change. You see, the bus is picking them
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at the pickle factory. They can't bear
us.
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We'll have to have some... Sergeant
Bilko, I want Justin to take that ROTC
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training course under you.
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Justin comes from a good family.
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His father is chairman of the Pierce
Steel Company. We have the steel
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Who? Who's the steel...
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I don't believe I've had the pleasure.
How are you?
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Glad to shake your hand. Like him. Liked
him the minute I saw him. There's
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character here, sir. Character gone
wrong, Sergeant. The trouble with Justin
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he gambles.
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Gambles! The son of a millionaire, and
he gambles. Good boy!
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Sergeant Bilko, I'm depending on you to
teach this young man there's something
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in life besides poker. Sir, I assure
you, I'll never leave his side.
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You have a knack for the devil's way,
have you, young man?
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Gee, I hope this college life don't
soften me up.
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All right, all right, get moving. You
know what happens in a new base? The
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thing we set up is the card table. Look
at that. Move, move.
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You're on a college campus. You stand
still. Ivy grows all over you. Put the
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chair right there.
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Right there where young Mr. Pierce will
sit.
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Sarge, taking a college kid at cards.
What are you talking about? I'm simply
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following instructions from the dean. I
was told to show him there are other
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things in life besides poker.
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I'm going to show him there's...
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Gin Rummy, Fan Tan, Black Jack.
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Tremendous fan of time permits.
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I'll induct him into the mysteries of
two -card coyote.
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Sarge, two -card coyote. He's only a
kid.
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A millionaire kid.
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Here he comes, Sarge. Oh, now you army
men, we have to set an example for these
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young men in college.
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The first thing we do is... Oh, there
you are.
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Hey, doesn't he look nice in his
uniform? Not above... Not above any
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checks, no doubt.
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Now, you notice, son. You notice how
they move when I yell. That's army
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discipline. Sit down.
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I'm going to induct you in some training
manuals that, oh, good heavens, the
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boys left their cards.
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They're continually playing Old Maid.
Oh, Maid, that's a laugh.
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Oh, is it? Well, if you know a game that
has more spice to it, I don't mind
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learning. Oh, do you ever play gin
rummy? Gin rummy. Gin rummy. Uh, is that
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game where somebody yells, bingo?
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Oh, this is pitiful.
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None of them. Now, each gets ten cards.
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Excuse me, isn't this sometimes played
for money? Like a penny a point, a
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quarter a box, five dollars a game, and
double for blitzes? I thought you didn't
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know this game. Oh, I hear these
expressions in smoking rooms. I think, I
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I know what you're talking about.
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Now, you found yourself a new game,
Justin?
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Little Louie. Who is this man? A
gambler.
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Please, I saw him first. Out, out, boys.
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Just a minute.
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This punk's been playing it pretty big
in a poker game I run in town.
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I got a thousand bucks of his IOUs and I
want it now.
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Oh, $1 ,000. Give it to him, Justin.
Let's go out with our... I believe I was
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dealing. $1 ,000? I haven't got a dime.
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You haven't got a dime? If we don't get
it from you, we know where to go.
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Oh, please, Louie, not my father. Just
give me time.
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You got time.
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Till tomorrow.
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Not a dime.
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You're like this. My father worked his
way through college, and he's making me
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do the same. Please, we've got our own
troubles. You like my luck?
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I'm the only guy in the world who meets
a millionaire who doesn't got a dime.
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When my father finds out I've been
gambling, he'll disown me. Please, I got
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own problems. Don't give me time.
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00:05:04,240 --> 00:05:06,500
In two years, I inherit the whole steel
company.
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Steel company?
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You inherit a steel company in two
years? I'm president with unlimited
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But you're right, this isn't your
problem. What do you mean, this isn't my
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problem?
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Your problems are my problems. I help
you, maybe in two years you'll help me.
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President of the steel company, huh?
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I mean, your father didn't just say this
in a jovial mood one night. I mean,
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you've got this in writing.
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It was in grandfather's will.
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Grandfather's? Good boy.
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Let's go.
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You mean you're going to pay the
thousand?
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Pay? I made a rule earlier in life never
to pay when you can talk your way out
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of it. Oh, talking to Louie won't help.
It's Big Ed McMillan who's head of the
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gambling syndicate.
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Big Ed McMillan? Don't tell me you're
involved with him.
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That sneaky character who's got his
itchy fingers in every gambling
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Bookmaking Enterprises. Yeah, yeah,
yeah. Do you know him? No, but he's
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been my idol.
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Now, come right in, boys. Mr. McMillan,
this is the most thrilling moment.
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Excuse me. It's my daughter. She's ten
years old.
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That's it, darling.
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Now say bye -bye, Daddy.
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She said bye -bye. Smart. Smart. Only
ten years old and she came out with a
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-bye.
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What is it this time, boy? Selling war
bonds?
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Oh, no, it's just a small matter, Mr.
McMillian.
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This poor unfortunate boy in uniform, it
seems that there is some little...
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Excuse me, I have an I .O .U. here.
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Justin Pierce, Jr.? Yes, sir. It's only
a thousand dollars, you see, but...
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I haven't the money right now. Son, you
have nothing to worry about.
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Did I tell you? Did I tell you the
bigger they are, hot? Has he got hot?
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I'm sure when I speak to your old man as
one businessman to another, he'll go as
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high as ten grand to keep the side of
the papers. My father... Oh, he's
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son. Listen, you punk.
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Don't come into his office and play tin
soldier with me.
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Just because you're wearing that
cornball uniform, don't come around here
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waltzing on bets.
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Look, nobody is waltzing on bets. I
want... Tiny!
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Get these army slobs out of here. Just a
minute. What's that language?
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Nobody called any... I don't... I think
they want us over there. Let's go, go.
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And don't let him come back, you cunts.
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Sarge, why don't you forget about it?
McMillan is too big a man to try to get
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even with. No man is too big for the
United States Army. He's going to pay
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this. What did he call me? You got here
10 horned soldiers. Put that down. 10
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horned soldiers that's going to cost him
$500.
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Cornball uniform.
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Cornball uniform. Put down $1 ,000.
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Army slobs. Army slobs. That's the
one... 2 ,500.
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If I let them off for less, I would
never be able to face the colonel again.
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Next. Goldbreaker.
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$100. Only $100?
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Let's face facts. I've been called that
before. Let's be fair about it.
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What is the total? $4 ,000.
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$4 ,000, gentlemen. That's what it's
going to cost big shot Mr. McMillan to
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back these insults. And furthermore...
Before he accepts his money, he's going
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to have to eat this entire piece of
paper. Because someday... Watch out,
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comes the team. Stand back, you want to
be crushed? That was invigorating
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practice. What's invigorating?
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This is the team that plays Notre Dame.
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Okay, fellas, hold it. Here comes Coach
Abernathy.
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Ladies and gentlemen, you were marvelous
in the field today.
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Now, this is the finest team that
Schmiller's ever presented.
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Don't forget those secret plays I told
you. The flying wedge.
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Dismissed. Have a nice game, fellas.
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Please, please.
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Forgive me if I seem over -curious, but
this is the team that plays Notre Dame?
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Yeah. Who arranges this game? Blue
Cross?
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This is murder.
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Come on, fellas, let's take our showers.
Hey, you better use the buddy system.
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You'll go down the drain. Watch
yourself.
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All right, back the way.
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Milk plays Notre Dame?
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Is this record for real?
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00:09:01,380 --> 00:09:05,320
You mean that Schmill has never scored
one point on Notre Dame? And Notre Dame
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never scored less than 100.
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I wonder what the odds on this year's
games will be.
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00:09:11,040 --> 00:09:14,340
Oh, Sarge, those bookmakers ain't that
dumb. They're going to take any bets on
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00:09:14,340 --> 00:09:15,340
Notre Dame.
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00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:18,340
Suppose you wanted to bet on Schmill.
Bet on Schmill?
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00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:23,120
No one in history ever bet on Schmill
against Notre Dame. You could get 1 ,000
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to 1, Sarge.
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1 ,000 to 1, huh?
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00:09:28,970 --> 00:09:31,250
There's a soldier here about a charity
for the army.
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00:09:31,490 --> 00:09:34,170
Oh, send him in. Always glad to see the
boys in uniform.
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00:09:34,510 --> 00:09:36,930
Sir, I represent a committee that wants
a level Bunker Hill.
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Out! Oh, you don't understand, sir. The
height of Bunker Hill has caused poor
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00:09:40,610 --> 00:09:44,810
television reception at Ford Breed. Out!
The kid pays the grand or else. Oh,
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that. I didn't come to see you about
that.
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No? And what do you want?
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I wondered if I could make a little bet
on the Schmill Notre Dame game.
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Oh, how clever you are.
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You won't... me to take pity on a
soldier and take a sucker bet on Notre
194
00:10:00,940 --> 00:10:03,380
I don't know what you're talking about.
I want to bet $100 on Schmill.
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00:10:05,840 --> 00:10:07,380
You want Schmill?
196
00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:09,100
If the odds are right.
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00:10:09,940 --> 00:10:10,940
Odds. Hmm.
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00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:14,000
I might be able to give you a thousand
to one.
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00:10:14,220 --> 00:10:14,779
That's a bet.
200
00:10:14,780 --> 00:10:15,780
Uh -huh.
201
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:17,160
And here's my slip.
202
00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:20,820
Here's a $100 bill with my name and
permanent post so you can send me the
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00:10:20,820 --> 00:10:22,060
,000 when Schmill wins.
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00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:23,340
When Schmill wins.
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00:10:26,410 --> 00:10:28,610
I'll be seeing you. Beat it, dog face.
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00:10:28,850 --> 00:10:30,790
Dog face. Add $1 ,000 to his credit.
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00:10:35,930 --> 00:10:38,590
Now, thank you, gentlemen. I want you to
meet my new assistant.
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00:10:38,910 --> 00:10:39,990
Bilko, sir. Ernie Bilko.
209
00:10:40,210 --> 00:10:44,190
Now, men, I'm going to handle the
publicity for this team. I'm going to
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00:10:44,190 --> 00:10:47,830
sporting world what I see here. And I'd
like to tell you right here and now, I
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00:10:47,830 --> 00:10:48,830
like what I see.
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00:10:49,110 --> 00:10:53,330
I see the roughest, toughest team that
the old fox has ever put out on the
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00:10:53,330 --> 00:10:54,570
field. The old fox?
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00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:55,559
Who's that?
215
00:10:55,560 --> 00:10:56,499
That's you.
216
00:10:56,500 --> 00:10:57,499
Old Fox.
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00:10:57,500 --> 00:11:00,560
That's you. Refer to him by that name in
every press release. Remember that.
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00:11:01,440 --> 00:11:02,820
Old Fox, you're great.
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00:11:03,140 --> 00:11:04,039
Old Fox.
220
00:11:04,040 --> 00:11:05,040
Old Fox.
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00:11:06,060 --> 00:11:07,140
Now listen to me.
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00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:13,060
I know your record against Notre Dame is
not very good due to the lack of
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00:11:13,060 --> 00:11:15,640
manpower. But this year we got it.
224
00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:18,580
Now, give me a list of the names and the
weights of the men you're sending to
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the newspapers.
226
00:11:19,580 --> 00:11:23,540
Quarterback Cyril G. Hush, Jr., weight
126 pounds. That's me. Excuse me, I
227
00:11:23,540 --> 00:11:24,099
see Mr.
228
00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:25,100
Cyril B. Hush.
229
00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:30,300
I see Swivel Hips Hush, weight 200
pounds. Put that down. 200 pounds. Next,
230
00:11:30,560 --> 00:11:31,800
Skyler Van Twitzel.
231
00:11:32,120 --> 00:11:34,260
How are you, crazy legs? Crazy legs?
232
00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:38,040
Crazy legs. Broken field runner, weight
240 pounds.
233
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:42,580
240? Think big and you'll be big. He's
thinking big. Put down 260 pounds.
234
00:11:43,380 --> 00:11:44,380
Who's next?
235
00:11:44,490 --> 00:11:48,250
Dexter Lauradale. Don't stand up, Ox.
Ox. Yes, Ox Lauradale.
236
00:11:48,490 --> 00:11:52,650
240 pounds of the plunginest fullback
that ever hit the line. Now, the line.
237
00:11:52,870 --> 00:11:54,550
Oh, that's... Ha! Ha! No names!
238
00:11:54,950 --> 00:11:59,530
The line is referred to as those seven
rocks of Gibraltar. Total weight, five
239
00:11:59,530 --> 00:12:00,730
tons. Five tons.
240
00:12:01,290 --> 00:12:04,650
Now, get that to the IMSUP and the AP
and give it this heading.
241
00:12:05,490 --> 00:12:08,210
Schmill Avengers cry, bring down Notre
Dame.
242
00:12:08,670 --> 00:12:10,150
But, Sergeant, you can't.
243
00:12:10,870 --> 00:12:13,210
What was that expression?
244
00:12:18,869 --> 00:12:22,310
There it is, the old frame. The easiest
hundred I ever made.
245
00:12:22,530 --> 00:12:25,830
He even put his name and address on it
so I know where to send the hundred
246
00:12:25,830 --> 00:12:26,830
grand.
247
00:12:27,490 --> 00:12:30,450
You know something? I think I'll hang it
right over there.
248
00:12:30,950 --> 00:12:32,570
Here's half your paper, boss. Thanks.
249
00:12:33,260 --> 00:12:36,780
I could have given him a million to one.
I want you to spread this around, boys.
250
00:12:36,800 --> 00:12:38,180
It's good for my reputation.
251
00:12:38,660 --> 00:12:39,660
We sure will.
252
00:12:39,940 --> 00:12:41,140
Fast, heavy smell.
253
00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:43,460
Oh, a thousand to one. What a chunk.
254
00:12:43,820 --> 00:12:46,380
Anybody thinking he could take the boss
for a hundred Gs?
255
00:12:51,980 --> 00:12:53,420
Something wrong, boss? Shut up.
256
00:12:54,180 --> 00:12:55,340
Hey, boss. Shut up.
257
00:12:56,380 --> 00:12:58,380
He built the Roseville, Kansas.
258
00:12:58,660 --> 00:13:00,580
Who handles our bets around Roseville,
Kansas?
259
00:13:01,330 --> 00:13:02,850
Blinky Newman. Blinky Newman, huh?
260
00:13:03,210 --> 00:13:04,290
Get me Blinky Newman.
261
00:13:04,530 --> 00:13:07,030
Hey, boss, you don't think this
soldier's an operator, do you? An
262
00:13:07,490 --> 00:13:08,490
Hello, Blinky.
263
00:13:08,650 --> 00:13:10,010
This is Big Ed McMillan.
264
00:13:10,390 --> 00:13:11,630
No, no, there's nothing wrong.
265
00:13:12,070 --> 00:13:14,050
Hey, did you ever run into a soldier
down there?
266
00:13:14,290 --> 00:13:16,010
I think his name is Bilko.
267
00:13:16,370 --> 00:13:18,270
Boss, look, I went and bought the books
a long time ago.
268
00:13:18,610 --> 00:13:19,610
You can't beat him.
269
00:13:19,810 --> 00:13:20,810
No kidding.
270
00:13:29,710 --> 00:13:31,250
Why don't you go down and buy it back?
271
00:13:31,610 --> 00:13:36,830
Me go to see a soldier? You don't know
Big Ed McMillan. I wouldn't walk across
272
00:13:36,830 --> 00:13:38,390
small road to see a general.
273
00:13:40,530 --> 00:13:42,590
What are you all worried about?
274
00:13:42,870 --> 00:13:45,650
Those school kids playing the best team
in the country.
275
00:13:46,010 --> 00:13:48,270
Give me the race results.
276
00:13:49,530 --> 00:13:54,050
The surprising news from Schville has
the sports world agod. With players like
277
00:13:54,050 --> 00:13:56,370
the Ox, Swivel Hips and Crazy Legs.
278
00:14:08,010 --> 00:14:09,690
do if reporters try to get him to see
practice?
279
00:14:10,190 --> 00:14:12,550
Fine, and put bayonets on there. Keep
them out. Got you.
280
00:14:13,250 --> 00:14:15,250
Get these to all the papers. Get that
release out.
281
00:14:15,530 --> 00:14:19,550
Old Fox Abernathy slugs newspaper man
for trying to invade secret practice.
282
00:14:19,550 --> 00:14:20,409
did this happen?
283
00:14:20,410 --> 00:14:23,490
Tomorrow. But, Sergeant, you can't...
Now,
284
00:14:24,790 --> 00:14:27,930
does the Fox know what to do when they
ask him a question?
285
00:14:28,330 --> 00:14:29,330
Smile and wink.
286
00:14:29,410 --> 00:14:30,410
Good.
287
00:14:30,690 --> 00:14:32,350
The Miller's limousine just pulled in.
288
00:14:33,180 --> 00:14:36,000
Listen, those pro football players in
the army that I had shifted at this
289
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:38,540
outfit, do they know what to do? All
rehearsed, Sarge. They're in the shower.
290
00:14:38,580 --> 00:14:39,580
Hey, come.
291
00:14:40,420 --> 00:14:41,420
Yes, who?
292
00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:42,680
Life magazine.
293
00:14:42,820 --> 00:14:44,220
What? That's a lie.
294
00:14:45,480 --> 00:14:47,220
Confidential did not get into secret
practice.
295
00:14:48,440 --> 00:14:51,560
No, no newspaper. I'm sorry. Please,
please. You're embarrassing me and
296
00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:55,100
yourself. Oh, these newspaper people. No
newspaper people, please.
297
00:14:56,020 --> 00:14:59,260
Well, bless my soul, it's Mr. McMillan,
the chair boy. Quickly.
298
00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:01,020
Never mind, soldier boy.
299
00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:02,620
I've got good news for you.
300
00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:05,640
My conscience has been bothering me. I'm
going to let you off the hook.
301
00:15:05,980 --> 00:15:07,860
Now, here's your hundred back.
302
00:15:08,460 --> 00:15:09,460
Plus a hundred.
303
00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:10,600
Now, give me the slip.
304
00:15:10,740 --> 00:15:11,619
Not interested.
305
00:15:11,620 --> 00:15:12,539
Not interested.
306
00:15:12,540 --> 00:15:15,600
Take a look at that sporting company
that's making the uniforms. Oh, don't be
307
00:15:15,600 --> 00:15:19,400
chump. Dear sirs, what do you mean you
can't make the uniforms big enough?
308
00:15:19,790 --> 00:15:23,010
Why, that size 78 sweater wasn't big
enough to get over the ox's head.
309
00:15:23,210 --> 00:15:28,090
400, that's final. I'm gone. Goodbye.
Now, when I asked for cast iron
310
00:15:28,230 --> 00:15:30,790
dummy... What's wrong, fellas?
311
00:15:31,250 --> 00:15:34,170
The fox said we weren't big enough to
make the team.
312
00:15:34,390 --> 00:15:36,270
He just looked at us and said we're too
little.
313
00:15:36,730 --> 00:15:41,170
Look, don't take it. Look, fellas, maybe
next year, bid yourself up, drink a lot
314
00:15:41,170 --> 00:15:42,170
of milk, you know.
315
00:15:48,270 --> 00:15:50,710
Now, that's something I hate to see, big
men crying.
316
00:15:51,050 --> 00:15:52,110
Well, back to work.
317
00:15:52,370 --> 00:15:55,130
Where was I? Billko, Billko, I'll go as
high as 500.
318
00:15:55,830 --> 00:15:58,530
500? You'll go as high as 4 ,000.
319
00:15:59,070 --> 00:16:00,690
4 ,000? Yes.
320
00:16:01,330 --> 00:16:03,770
And you'll eat every piece of this
paper.
321
00:16:04,070 --> 00:16:05,290
Eat that paper?
322
00:16:05,650 --> 00:16:09,810
Why, you crumb, I... Write this down.
Make it 5 ,000. He said crumb.
323
00:16:10,950 --> 00:16:13,070
I'll give you a lot more where it's
free.
324
00:16:13,390 --> 00:16:17,030
If you think all that newspaper... but
talking is going to scare me. You don't
325
00:16:17,030 --> 00:16:22,390
know Big Ed McMillan. You just blew 600
because I ain't coming back. Wait.
326
00:16:23,410 --> 00:16:24,329
Red tie?
327
00:16:24,330 --> 00:16:26,610
I don't like red on you. I don't like
it.
328
00:16:26,870 --> 00:16:27,870
Let's get out of here.
329
00:16:28,630 --> 00:16:30,330
600 bucks.
330
00:16:30,930 --> 00:16:33,010
He hasn't even reached the first
plateau.
331
00:16:36,630 --> 00:16:40,070
The iron curtain around the powerhouse
bill team indicates one of the biggest
332
00:16:40,070 --> 00:16:41,550
upsets in football history.
333
00:16:42,510 --> 00:16:45,190
Ed, I just don't understand at all. All
of a sudden you've got high blood
334
00:16:45,190 --> 00:16:48,430
pressure. Well, I would have been a
thousand to one. Get out of here!
335
00:16:52,950 --> 00:16:57,610
I know it's bothered me. All I've been
doing is worrying about that Schmill
336
00:16:57,610 --> 00:16:58,610
Notre Dame game.
337
00:16:58,730 --> 00:16:59,890
Schmill can't win.
338
00:17:00,850 --> 00:17:01,850
Can they?
339
00:17:01,970 --> 00:17:03,730
Boss, maybe you'd better settle. No.
340
00:17:03,970 --> 00:17:06,650
His last offer was only five grand,
boss. I know.
341
00:17:07,069 --> 00:17:11,210
An evening apiece of paper won't kill
you. No, I'd crawl for no... But, boss,
342
00:17:11,270 --> 00:17:14,970
100 Jesus sinkers. That big, fast
Schmill team. That big, fast Schmill
343
00:17:15,069 --> 00:17:17,450
That's all we're thinking about. We're
forgetting that they're playing those
344
00:17:17,450 --> 00:17:18,249
school kids.
345
00:17:18,250 --> 00:17:20,250
Notre Dame, the biggest team in the
country.
346
00:17:20,810 --> 00:17:22,230
Give me the bomb -out results.
347
00:17:23,390 --> 00:17:27,130
Here we are in South Bend, Indiana, to
get the Notre Dame coaches' point of
348
00:17:27,130 --> 00:17:29,250
on Saturday's big game with Schmill.
349
00:17:29,730 --> 00:17:31,110
Coach, what do you think?
350
00:17:31,410 --> 00:17:32,410
Listen to this.
351
00:17:33,090 --> 00:17:36,950
Well, we know we've got a fight on our
hands. To the many friends of Notre
352
00:17:36,990 --> 00:17:38,990
I'd just like to say, you can't win them
all.
353
00:17:45,350 --> 00:17:47,770
But get this. I'll give it to him
straight. No crawling.
354
00:17:48,390 --> 00:17:49,390
I'll show him.
355
00:17:50,110 --> 00:17:51,850
Oh, I almost forgot. He doesn't like
red.
356
00:17:54,630 --> 00:17:57,110
Come on. We've got to get out of here.
Let's get out of here.
357
00:17:57,950 --> 00:17:58,889
Gentlemen, gentlemen.
358
00:17:58,890 --> 00:18:00,350
Please, please, gentlemen.
359
00:18:01,050 --> 00:18:02,950
Please. The old box left word.
360
00:18:03,150 --> 00:18:06,490
Nobody gets into secret practice. Stand
back for the players. Hey, wait a
361
00:18:06,490 --> 00:18:09,210
minute. I know him, Jabelski. He played
in the Chicago Bears before he went to
362
00:18:09,210 --> 00:18:09,789
the Army.
363
00:18:09,790 --> 00:18:12,710
And that's O 'Brien of the Packers. I
took his picture. What are you trying to
364
00:18:12,710 --> 00:18:13,830
pull? These guys are bros.
365
00:18:14,220 --> 00:18:14,799
All right, gentlemen.
366
00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:18,060
The cat's out of the bag, so now you
know. But let me explain what happened.
367
00:18:18,060 --> 00:18:21,680
old fox couldn't get college boys big
enough to scrimmage with the Smil team.
368
00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:25,060
had to settle for pro football players.
The Humane Society insisted.
369
00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:30,800
Practicing with pros! What a team! All
right. He's a very busy man, but you can
370
00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:32,200
see the old fox. Get the coach.
371
00:18:32,420 --> 00:18:36,020
But please, prepare your questions now.
He's a very busy... Here he comes. All
372
00:18:36,020 --> 00:18:37,020
right,
373
00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:41,200
quiet! I'm the old fox. Yes, I told
them. I told them.
374
00:18:41,760 --> 00:18:43,860
Now, what's your question? What about a
coach that's the toughest team you've
375
00:18:43,860 --> 00:18:47,100
ever seen? You. How many points are you
going to beat your by? Hey, are you
376
00:18:47,100 --> 00:18:48,100
going to beat Notre Dame?
377
00:18:48,340 --> 00:18:50,460
You heard the questions, old fox. What's
your answer?
378
00:18:51,820 --> 00:18:53,500
There's your answer. What a story.
379
00:18:53,740 --> 00:18:55,220
Hey, did you see that wink?
380
00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:57,980
He must have a flower house. Now,
gentlemen, you have all the input.
381
00:18:58,260 --> 00:19:00,540
What is this? I just tackled swivel
hips.
382
00:19:00,760 --> 00:19:01,760
Never again.
383
00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:04,400
Are you all right? The ox hit me. I'm
lucky I'm alive.
384
00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:07,240
Keep me alert, those butchers. College
team beating a pro.
385
00:19:14,060 --> 00:19:19,560
Oh, why don't you come back and give him
another... Oh, excuse me. Sergeant
386
00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:20,560
Bilko. Yes?
387
00:19:21,340 --> 00:19:24,480
Remember me? I'm Ed McMillan. Oh, Blue.
388
00:19:24,780 --> 00:19:28,440
Blue. I see you in blue. That's very
charming. You look much better. He likes
389
00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:29,439
it. Thank you.
390
00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:30,440
Look, Sarge.
391
00:19:30,650 --> 00:19:34,470
I may have said a lot of harsh things in
the past. Oh, the past, the past.
392
00:19:34,750 --> 00:19:35,970
Oh, you don't bear grudges, huh?
393
00:19:36,330 --> 00:19:40,510
No more fights? No more anger? Look,
look, here's $1 ,000.
394
00:19:40,930 --> 00:19:44,450
Why don't you wear a Windsor knot would
be better, don't you think? Give me a
395
00:19:44,450 --> 00:19:47,330
break, Bilko. $2 ,000. Why must you wear
the tie crooked?
396
00:19:47,590 --> 00:19:51,370
$3 ,000. I don't know if I approve of
this carnation. It's kind of sad. $4
397
00:19:51,370 --> 00:19:55,410
and a good job with my organization when
your hitch is up. $10 ,000 or you ain't
398
00:19:55,410 --> 00:19:56,410
got an organization.
399
00:19:56,510 --> 00:19:58,430
$10 ,000. $10 ,000 in cash.
400
00:19:58,940 --> 00:20:02,520
10 ,000 cash? You've got to give me a
little time. I'll give you a half hour.
401
00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:03,880
A half hour?
402
00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:07,900
That's more time than you gave young
Justin Pierce, isn't it?
403
00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:09,480
I'll be right back.
404
00:20:09,740 --> 00:20:10,740
Wait.
405
00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:14,900
Don't have anything to eat in the
interim because you'll have to have an
406
00:20:14,900 --> 00:20:15,900
appetite to eat this.
407
00:20:16,140 --> 00:20:18,800
Velko, you're an awful... I'm a what?
Right this time, I'm a what?
408
00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:20,320
I'll be right back.
409
00:20:26,920 --> 00:20:29,240
Sergeant, the dean wants to see you.
Later, later. He's got the faculty heads
410
00:20:29,240 --> 00:20:30,179
with him. It's a must.
411
00:20:30,180 --> 00:20:32,720
All right, all right. Dean, you suppose
he found out about that phony build -up
412
00:20:32,720 --> 00:20:35,220
he's going to cancel the game? He can't
cancel. It's a traditional game.
413
00:20:35,540 --> 00:20:38,980
I better make sure. Look, be sure the
boys, when you get to 10 ,000, they see
414
00:20:38,980 --> 00:20:40,960
him eat this paper. They can't cancel
it.
415
00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:43,820
Schmillman, Schmillman, Randolph.
416
00:20:44,700 --> 00:20:48,320
Oh. Dean Sagamore, you may have seen
certain things in the paper. Let me
417
00:20:48,320 --> 00:20:51,660
you... Sergeant, we, no matter what's in
the papers, we see what's happening on
418
00:20:51,660 --> 00:20:52,379
the campus.
419
00:20:52,380 --> 00:20:53,540
There's a new spirit.
420
00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:57,640
You've made us realize that a university
isn't just laboratories and classrooms.
421
00:20:57,840 --> 00:21:00,940
Students, for the first time, are
walking around with pride, confident
422
00:21:00,940 --> 00:21:04,480
Schmill is going to beat Notre Dame. Oh,
I wouldn't go as far as to say... Bill
423
00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:06,060
Cole, we want you to be the first to
know.
424
00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:10,540
Schmill is going to win. Schmill is
going to win? Well, who says that? The
425
00:21:10,540 --> 00:21:15,180
finest scientific minds in the country,
our faculty heads. We've been working on
426
00:21:15,180 --> 00:21:16,180
this all week.
427
00:21:16,660 --> 00:21:22,120
By using the Hedalian laws of moving
objects, our plays, augmented by Engel's
428
00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:28,260
law of calibrated distance, can place,
they can place all 11 of our players in
429
00:21:28,260 --> 00:21:31,940
front of any Notre Dame runner before he
can take a step. You see, Schmill can't
430
00:21:31,940 --> 00:21:33,820
lose. Coach, quick, what do you think?
431
00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:39,280
Get me the field house. I've got to stop
Rocco. Get me the field... As a
432
00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:44,520
professor of law, I found 11 loopholes
in the intercollegiate football rules,
433
00:21:44,780 --> 00:21:47,420
allowing us to put 14 men on the field.
434
00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:49,760
14 men? Are you sure? 14!
435
00:21:50,100 --> 00:21:53,040
Will you get me the... Wait, wait, wait.
Listen to our psychology, Professor.
436
00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:57,140
By having our players hum a certain
laboratory -tested sound... Hum a sound?
437
00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:00,700
They can get pressed.
438
00:22:01,360 --> 00:22:05,180
demoralize, and bring on a state of
complete melancholia among the Notre
439
00:22:05,180 --> 00:22:07,400
players. I mean, I got to stop.
440
00:22:07,640 --> 00:22:10,000
Rocco, I got to run. Just one more word,
gentlemen.
441
00:22:10,540 --> 00:22:11,600
We'll can't lose.
442
00:22:12,100 --> 00:22:15,860
We'll can't. Can't you? I got to run. 10
,000. Who didn't stand by? We can get a
443
00:22:15,860 --> 00:22:17,020
hunch. Oh, excuse me. Rocco.
444
00:22:17,280 --> 00:22:18,280
Rocco.
445
00:22:20,380 --> 00:22:21,940
9 ,500.
446
00:22:22,280 --> 00:22:23,280
9 ,500.
447
00:22:23,820 --> 00:22:25,360
10 ,000. 10 ,000.
448
00:22:25,700 --> 00:22:27,180
It's all out. Give me back my slip.
449
00:22:27,380 --> 00:22:29,460
Not yet. First, you got to eat this
piece of paper.
450
00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:31,320
I'll be happy to. Rocco.
451
00:22:31,860 --> 00:22:35,700
Stop it. Stop it. We got the money. Give
it to him back. Give it to him back.
452
00:22:35,940 --> 00:22:38,000
A bet is a bet. $10 ,000.
453
00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:40,380
Wait a minute. We can't lose.
454
00:22:40,620 --> 00:22:44,140
We can't lose. We've got 14 Adelians
humming depressing songs.
455
00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:46,000
Science is with us.
456
00:22:52,340 --> 00:22:53,560
Oh, 14, are you here?
457
00:22:53,760 --> 00:22:56,300
Yeah. You remember the secret place?
Yes.
458
00:22:56,520 --> 00:23:00,420
Now. Who are you? I'm the old boss. Oh,
of course. What's the matter?
459
00:23:00,700 --> 00:23:02,620
Now, let me hear that hum.
460
00:23:04,220 --> 00:23:04,979
That's it.
461
00:23:04,980 --> 00:23:06,740
That's the secret. Hey, Notre Dame's on
the field.
462
00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:07,919
All right, men.
463
00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:08,920
This is it.
464
00:23:09,220 --> 00:23:10,620
$50 ,000. Out.
465
00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:12,000
Out. Out.
466
00:23:12,620 --> 00:23:13,620
Out.
467
00:23:14,220 --> 00:23:15,900
Wait a minute.
468
00:23:16,500 --> 00:23:20,780
Gentlemen, in gratitude, I want you to
meet the gentlemen who are responsible
469
00:23:20,780 --> 00:23:23,440
for the scientific plays. Let's show
them what we think of them.
470
00:23:25,120 --> 00:23:26,700
Excuse me. Who are these boys?
471
00:23:27,280 --> 00:23:27,979
Who are these?
472
00:23:27,980 --> 00:23:29,840
This is the schmilt team you said
couldn't lose.
473
00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:32,000
Can't lose? Why, these boys haven't a
chance.
474
00:23:32,500 --> 00:23:36,540
Why, our place was centered around men
like Ox Laura Dale, 235 pounds. The
475
00:23:36,540 --> 00:23:40,020
Rocks of Gibraltar. Just as it says in
the papers and on the radio.
476
00:23:40,320 --> 00:23:41,320
Well, that was publicity.
477
00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:42,720
They're just boys.
478
00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:44,560
Well, they haven't got a chance. It was
just a minute.
479
00:23:44,780 --> 00:23:47,500
Can't science do anything for them? Yes,
after the game.
480
00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:49,740
There have been great advances in first
aid.
481
00:24:19,920 --> 00:24:22,500
time in history you kept Notre Dame
under 100 points.
482
00:24:22,900 --> 00:24:24,320
99 to nothing.
483
00:24:26,960 --> 00:24:27,960
Well,
484
00:24:34,020 --> 00:24:35,200
Big Ed, you won.
485
00:24:35,940 --> 00:24:37,580
Yeah, I won.
486
00:24:38,180 --> 00:24:39,180
Well, look at me.
487
00:24:40,740 --> 00:24:41,740
Thanks, Wilco.
488
00:24:42,380 --> 00:24:43,380
Thanks for what?
489
00:24:43,580 --> 00:24:45,720
Thanks for showing me that I was in the
wrong business.
490
00:24:46,340 --> 00:24:48,960
I'm going to buy a piece of a laundromat
with my brother -in -law.
491
00:24:49,899 --> 00:24:50,779
Good move.
492
00:24:50,780 --> 00:24:52,040
Good move. All right, here.
493
00:24:53,120 --> 00:24:54,400
Here's your betting slip back.
494
00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:57,260
Thanks. Here's Justin's IOU.
495
00:24:58,280 --> 00:24:59,280
Thanks.
496
00:24:59,620 --> 00:25:03,980
Hey, give me that slip with those names
on it that I called you. I want to eat
497
00:25:03,980 --> 00:25:07,080
it. Oh, yeah, but you don't have to eat
it. I want to.
498
00:25:07,580 --> 00:25:08,660
Wait a minute. Let me look at that.
499
00:25:09,480 --> 00:25:14,400
Did you really call me a punk, tin horn
soldier, army slob, gold bricker?
500
00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:17,980
Well, be my guest.
501
00:25:34,410 --> 00:25:37,010
as Corky and Vern Hoffman as Little
Louie.
502
00:25:40,670 --> 00:25:44,690
Now stay tuned for The Addams Family
next on TV Land.
42940
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