All language subtitles for phil_silvers_show_s01e32_the_con_men

Let's do it!

What is this, gentlemen?

This is United States mail you're
tampering in. What is this?

And Doberman stopped plowing around in
there like it was a grab bag.

May I remind you, the United States
protects mail.

Guarantees its privacy where there may
be money, money on his checks.

Now, come on now.

Let's have a little orderliness.

Mail call. Mail call.

Paparelli? Yeah.

Zimmerman. Yes.

Fender. Yes.

Kadosk. Cadillacs.

Dop... Dopamine.

Come and get it.

Dopamine. There are certain males that
can be thrown.

But when the contents is a pink slip of
paper with the words...

Paid through the order of... What is
that?

I wasn't discussing anything with you.
This is this man's private mail.

Let's not get too nosy.

Here you are, Goldman. Can we help you
open it?

No, I'm okay.

You're all right, sir. Isn't it
wonderful? Look how needy he is, like a

executive.

What is it?

Looks like a check from a bank.

From a bank! Get back!

Leave this man alone with his thoughts.
Why must you be so nosy? Is it any of

your business?

How much is it for, Dwayne?

You read it, Sarge. Your numbers keep
dancing up and down.

The National Underwriters Insurance
Company in settlement for accident.

Accident? Five years ago, I was hit by a
cab.

Goodbye.

Paid to the order of Dwayne Doberman
exactly $500.

I'm rich! I'm rich! I'm rich! Yes, you
are rich.

Rich indeed, not because of this piece
of paper.

That's false, Richards.

You are rich.

Rich indeed.

In the friends you have. Yes!

Russell, a guest in my room standing?

Sit down, boy. Sit down. Here, baby boy.
Want a cigarette?

No, Sarge.

Need anything at the PX?

No, Sarge, I got to go on guard duty.
No, no, no, no, just relax.

Today is a holiday. Today all you do is
sit here and look pretty.

You know, I was telling the boys only
the other day, the riskiest thing to do

with money these days is to invest it in
a bank. Really? Oh, yes.

This is an era when your money must go
out and earn other money. Now, if you're

wondering what to do with that... Oh, I
know what I'm going to do with it,

Sarge. You do?

Yeah.

I'm gonna give it to you. Here, take it.

Me? You're not gonna fight him? Just...
Look, Sarge, I never had any money to

invest in those wonderful schemes you
used to get the other fellas involved

I can have money now. I want you to have
it, Sarge. Do whatever you want with

it.

No,

here, I can't. What are you doing,
Sarge? Keep the money, you crazy. What,

what?

I won't be able to sleep at night.

Why must it be him with those trusting
eyes?

Why couldn't it be Mullen with those
shifty eyes if he's always looking for a

soft touch? Take that check. Get out of
here. I'm only human. Go on.

Sarge, I wouldn't know what to do with
$500.

You'll think of something.

What? I got everything a man could want.

I get my meals.

Got a place to sleep.

I got friends.

You could cry, couldn't you?

It's a choker. He's got everything.

Did you ever stop to think what a small
portion of this would do for your

appearance? What's wrong with my
appearance?

Wayne, we've been keeping this from you,
but the time has come to face facts.

You are a slob.

Me? Let me amend that. You are an ex
-slob. About to burst forth with

and beautiful new clothes, shoes, hats.

That's it!

That's what we'll do. We'll take him to
a tailoring town today.

That's what we'll do. We'll get him one
of those classy civilian suits, tailor

-made. But, Sarge, I got a civilian
suit.

Dwayne, they don't wear Prince Albert
coats anymore.

That's it. That's what we'll do. We'll
dress him up like a peacock.

Fender, he used to be a tailor. I'll ask
Fender. He'll know.

Where is... Where's Fender? Who's...
There's Fender. Here he is. Come here,

Fender.

Fender, he used to be a tailor. Look at
him. What do you see him in?

A prince out of a coat.

Always with the jokes, huh?

Hold it. I don't need anybody. It just
came to me. Tweeds? No, no, shark skin.

Please don't pipe me on this. I see him
in tweeds. He's born for beautiful

English tweeds. Don't you see what they
give it a sweep?

With a little pelt in the back. Don't
you see it? With the trousers right down

onto the shoelaces. Just in that
pinpoint correctness.

A Hamburg hat.

Gray suede gloves.

I'll die!

I'll die! No, no. You'll live. You'll
live.

The women will die.

That's it. This afternoon, right to the
details. Look, escort him to the bank,

cash the check, meet me and the rest of
the guys in the lounge at the Roseville

Hotel. We can't do it, Sarge. We got the
headquarters detail.

And the bank closes at four o 'clock.

Maybe I can go alone and cash the check.
Alone?

With $500? Are you mad?

Which one of you got it? I'll take it
back. I'll go.

You're safe for alone.

Here's what you do.

Cash this check.

Take the money. Go right across the
street to the lounge at the Roseville

You got that?

I'm a doctor.

Now, listen.

When you cash the money, put the money
in this pocket right in here. You

understand? If you cross the street and
you happen to get hit by a car, fall on

the money.

You understand?

At all times.

If a stranger talks to you, walk away.

If it's a guy with a mustache, call a
cop.

Understand? I'm a doctor. Hey, Sarge,
why don't you take the money? Get him

of here before I go crazy. Go, go, go.
Beat us in the lounge. Remember that.

I'm supposed to meet some of my friends
here.

Can I wait a while?

Sure, just make yourself right at home.

Thank you. Can I have a cherry pop?

Sure.

How much is it?

That'll be two bits, soldier.

Here.

Twenty. Haven't you got anything smaller
than that?

Now, look.

No, I'm afraid that's the smallest I
have.

18, 19, 75.

What'll it be, miss?

Lemonade.

Thank you.

Pardon me.

I hate to bother you, but have you a
light?

There's some matches here, miss. Oh,
pardon me.

Thank you.

Oh, your hand, I just noticed.

You must be a concert pianist.

Oh, no, ma 'am, I'm just a soldier. A
soldier, how interesting.

I work in a motor pool.

A mechanic. Oh, that sounds exciting.

It does?

Oh, there you are, sis. Oh, I'm sorry
I'm late, Jeannie. Heavens, now we're

going to miss the concert.

Oh, hiya. I don't believe I know your
friend. Oh, this is my brother, Steve

Smith. This is private.

Doberman. Doberman. Dwayne Doberman.
Doberman. Why is that name so familiar?

Oh, there are plenty of us Dobermans
back home. Home? Where's home?

I come from Allentown, Pennsylvania.

Allentown, Pennsylvania?

Well, what's the matter? Oh, this is the
end. Why, here we are in the middle of

Kansas and we meet a neighbor from
Allentown, Pennsylvania.

You folks from Allentown? No place else
but little old Allentown. Isn't it

wonderful folks from home?

Why, I'll bet we know a lot of folks you
do.

Maybe we went to the same high school.

Forsythe High.

Forsythe High.

Good old Forsythe. Say, remember the
cheer? Come on.

Go get them Forsythes. Ray, Ray, Ray.

Pride of Allentown, PA.

Yep, yep. Good old Allentown, PA.

Allentown, PA? Did someone here say
Allentown, PA?

Yeah. The three of us are from
Allentown. You mean the four of us?

is... Are you from Allentown, too? The
greatest little city in America. I

declare. I don't believe I've... Oh,
this is Gene and Steve Smith. I'm Dwayne

Doberman. Chester A. Foster.

How do you do?

Pleasure, Mr.

Foster. Say, I just completed a million
-dollar insurance deal, and I thought I

was going to have to celebrate alone.

We'll go up to my suite for a drink.
Grand idea.

We'll cut up old touches, maybe a little
poker game or something. I love to play

poker, but my sergeant never lets me in
a game.

Oh, so you're an insurer, Mr.

Fox. Some soldiers are going to come
here asking for me.

Will you tell them that I'll meet them
later at the barracks? Tell them I ran

into some folks from my hometown.

Come on, Duane.

Oh, Duane, you're much taller than I
thought you were.

Really? It's funny. I was just a little
shrimp until I was 15.

And suddenly I shot up like a weed.

Hiya, Dwayne.

Hiya, Dobie, baby boy.

Have a good time with the folks, Dobie?
Cut up some old touches, have a nice

little chat?

Hey, Sarge.

What?

Nostalgia. He's all choked up. He's been
with folks from back home. He's

sentimental.

We understand, Dwayne. We figure we got
plenty of time to get you to close

tomorrow. But in the meantime, we ought
to put the money in a safe place. You

know, like the platoon welfare box.

What money?

What money? Yeah?

What money?

You know, the $500.

It's gone.

Gone?

Why do you jump down a man's throat?

He doesn't have to answer. Why are you
so nosy?

A man don't have to answer to anybody.
What are you?

What are you, all district attorneys
suddenly?

This man don't have to talk if he don't
want to talk. Just leave him alone.

Where's the money?

I don't want to talk about it. You don't
want to talk about it? What do you mean

you don't want to talk?

He don't want to talk about it. He
doesn't have to talk.

He doesn't have to answer to anybody.

Now leave him alone.

Lane, the reason we ask you is because
we're all interested in you. You're a

buddy after all.

You don't have to tell us if you don't
want to, but we wish you would.

Nobody's going to hit the ceiling nice
and calm. Just collect yourself and

relax. Tell us, what happened?

Well, I met this girl at a bar. Girl at
a bar!

Tell me he didn't say he met a girl at
the bar.

A real nice girl? Yeah, you know her? Do
I know her? I've met her in Chicago,

San Francisco, Manila.

Not this one. She's from Allentown.

Allentown? How can a guy be in the Army
ten years and be so defenseless? Go on.

Well, we started to talk. And then her
brother showed up, right? His name was

Steve. Ah.

What time did Harry, the traveling
salesman, come by?

There was no salesman named Harry,
Sarge. No?

His name was Chester.

Chester. Good old Chester. And Chester
suggested you go up to his suite for a

little visit, old friend.

By accident, there was a card table and
some cards, am I right?

That's right, sir. And then he suggested
a friendly little game of poker between

old friends.

That's right. And you were very lucky.
Oh, I was very lucky. Oh, you won the

first five hands, didn't you? And that
zing -bam -boom before you knew it, the

$500 was gone, right?

That's exactly the way it happens.
That's exactly the way it always

Dwayne, how could you be such a fool?

Oh, sir, I'm so ashamed. Quiet, quiet.
Don't you see what happened, Dillingham?

Card shops. They work army camps. They
took them.

Sarge, I'm such a... Please, please.

I can't stand to see a fat man cry.

Sorry, Sarge.

Don't be sorry. Just let me think a
minute. Now, tonight I got a date with

I'll have to call that off. All right,
I'll have to work fast.

I'll get the money back.

You'll get it back? How? How? How? How?

The way they took it from him. That's
how gandy you got cards. And a double.

Fingers are a little stiff.

Look, Sarge, how are you going to get
the money back? There's two of them. I'm

in shape.

Nerve ends are still dead. I need some
sandpaper.

Sandpaper. Sarge, there's two of them.

I know. I'll use the old army maneuver.

Divide and conquer. Let me see. You won
the first five hands, right? First five

hands, that means they gave you the
Australian deal. Am I right? What's

Sarge? From down under.

There's only one way to combat that.

There's only one way to work with
stacked cards.

That's to give it the bilko shuffle.

The bilko shuffle?

For which there is no known defense.

I'll have some lemonade, please, sir,
and not two bits on the sugar, because

driving. What about that?

Oh, McDonald, hat of pop.

And then the vermiets and chicks.

Oh,

thank you. Two bits?

That's 25 cents, isn't it, sir?

Oh, there you are, sir.

Fifty. Haven't you got anything smaller
than that? Oh, good heavens. Is that a

fifty? I always think they're fives.

Twenty -five centuries. There it is. I
had to change. Thank you. All the very

best. Lemonade.

Oh.

Pardon me.

Ma 'am. Would you like?

A lot. Oh, here's some matches. Here.

May I?

You must be a concert pianist. How'd you
guess?

First off, you heard me play kitten on
the keys in the recreation hall, didn't

you? Oh, there you are, sis.

Oh, I'm sorry I'm late. I... Oh, I don't
believe I know your friend.

Oh, this is my brother, Steve.

This is private.

Bilko, ma 'am. Clem and Bilko. Back
home, they just call me Clem.

Bilko. Bilko, why is that name so
familiar?

Oh, shucks, miss. You never could have
heard of me unless you come from Council

Bluffs, Iowa.

Council Bluffs? That's incredible.

Why,

here we are in the middle of Kansas and
we meet a neighbor from Council Bluffs,

Iowa. You folks from back home? Nowhere
else but little old Council Bluffs. This

is wonderful.

What's the matter, soldier?

Oh, you must please forgive me for being
such a blubberer.

But to meet folks from back home... I'll
bet we even went to the same school.

Uh... Goosenheimer's Business College.

Goosenheimer's Business College.

Good old Goosenheimer.

Now, now, now.

Oh, you must forgive me for being such a
baby about it, but to meet folks from

home and from the same school... Let's
sing the old school song.

All right, you start it. Okay.

All Goosenheim, all Goosenheim, your
name will drag, but not

in slime.

folks are there.

They can't be the typewriter.

And Pencil's grand.

Oh, Goosenheim's got grandest grime.

Boy, you should know every word you
have.

To Council Bluffs.

Gateway to Sioux City. Sioux City? Who's
here from Sioux City? Nobody. We're

from Council Bluffs. Oh, Council Bluffs.
He's from Council Bluffs.

Why don't we go up there? Why don't we
all goose and hyme? Oh, goose and hyme.

Well, make yourself at home.

Oh, what a coincidence.

A card table and cards.

Yes. Now, let's sit down. We'll start
the game.

A game? Oh, a game. A game. I feel.

Wait a minute.

You're going to start a game without
singing the Council Bluffs high school

fight song?

Oh, but we don't know. You don't know?
You're from Council Bluffs, you don't

know the fight? Oh, sure, sure, we know
it, don't we? Yeah, of course. I just

forgot it. We always used to sing it
Mondays in the assembly hall. Don't you

remember how it went?

Oh, Council Bluffers won't be bluffed.
No, sir.

No, you remember your part. The boys
used to sing, away, away, and I, away,

away. And your part is, Council Bluffs,
Council Bluffs, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Remember now?

Council Bluffs, away, away, and I, away.
I'm brushing it.

Away, away, and I, away.

Cowboy, away, and I, away. You're coming
at the wrong time.

Cowboy, away.

Why do you say away when you're not
supposed to do it?

Cowboy, away, and I, away.

No, no, no. Don't say it. Cowboy.

Don't come in until I tell you. Cowboy.
Keep it high.

High. Soprano. Oh, look, Clem, I better
save my voice for the next sales

meeting. Why don't we just sit down?
Yes, let's sit down. We'll get the game

going. All righty. Yes. Andy up a
dollar, play showdown. Good idea. Oh, is

for money?

Oh, I never pay for money because I
always lose.

Oh, I'm sure you're going to win. I have
a feeling you'll win the first five

hands. How could you know? I have a
feeling. All right.

Well, if it's only for a dollar, all
right, I'll try that one.

I'll deal.

Do you mind?

It's the only fun I ever get. I don't
pay many, but I like to shuffle, see?

Now, away we go. Like that fat man says
on television all the time.

Just a pair of deuces. I only have
fives. He wins.

Wait, I don't win. All I have is a pair
of fours.

He has a pair of fives. He wins.

I win. He wins. You see, I never win in
cards. Oh, that was an accident. I mean,

no. He means he's sure you're going to
win the next hand.

Aren't you, Mr. Forster? I'm positive.

Well, I... Up a dollar.

Well, I'll go for one more dollar, but
I'm...

Not used to this.

There you are.

I'll deal.

May I?

The only fun I have.

I'm so sloppy at it. You do that well.

I bet you'll be lucky to meet you. I
have a king.

I have two kings.

I have three kings.

Three kings beats me.

But it don't beat him.

He has three aces, three wins. Three
aces? There it is. Now, you see, I've

two dollars. I must go back to camp. I
must have a talk with the chaplain. Oh,

no.

Now, wait. Wait.

Jeannie, call room service. Order
clement steak. He looks hungry. Steak,

nice. There's a few things I want to
talk to Mr. Foster about regarding

insurance. Come in here, Mr. Foster. I
just want to tell you about my sister's

insurance. What are you trying to pull?

I cut the cards.

For you to win. No, no, for him to win
the first five games, like always.

Don't worry, we'll get him this time.

Now, look, Chip.

If you got any idea of cleaning out this
game for yourself, if this is a double

-cross... We've been working together
for years, Steve. Don't forget that.

And then I want some kumquats. Don't
know if I like it, but I want the juice.

Back to the game. But I didn't... And
I'm halted with a neck in it, please.

Oh, I don't know why we're playing. I
tell you, because I never win. You'll

this time. I'm sure you're going to win.
Stay.

Why don't we Indian wrestle instead?

No, no, no. You can't lose.

All right. I just want to be social for
one more dollar, but that's all. Okay,

I'll deal.

Give me my fun.

And away we go.

Oh, he is funny. I have kings.

Genie, I have three kings.

Oh, I'm afraid to look at this. What was
that, Mr. Foster? Mr.

Foster, you must play this right,
because that last card belongs here.

You see, I have four kids, but we don't
know what that card is. And until he has

four aces, he wins again.

Four aces, huh?

This is your lucky day, huh, Mr.
Forster? Now, look, I didn't... I'm a

man. This is just a card game.

Soldier, this card game is just
beginning. What do you mean by that?

I mean that there's a certain pig in
here who wants to take it all.

I believe he called you a pig. You're
going to teach me how to play, huh,

I'm going to teach you a lesson.

Put your money where your mouth is.
Okay.

Auntie, $50.

You got yourself a player.

I'm in. Give me those cards. Wait a
minute.

Let the soldier deal.

See how you make out in an honest game.

All right. We'll see.

You're high.

$10. I see you. I'm in.

Still high.

$20. I see you.

You're still high.

In 30 and 50 more.

30, call, and 50, raise.

I'm in. I see you.

Pair of tens.

Pair of tens bet.

Check. Check.

$50.

$50, and I raise 100.

I'm in. I think he's bluffing.

I see you, wise guy, and you better have
better than those tens.

I have.

Aces and tens.

so fast.

Three jacks. Excuse me, please.

Excuse me. I think when they're all the
same color, it's called a flish or

something like that. A flush.

Oh, a flush. The soldier wins.

The boy soldier. Would you mind pushing
back this way, please?

I'd call with my last hundred. I'd
clean. I'm in.

Three tens full.

Wait a minute.

Three queens full.

How about that? Excuse.

Excuse me.

I believe this is called a royal flush.

The soldier wins. Good boy, soldier.

Okay, table stakes.

$500. Here's my I .O .U.

Here's mine.

Oh,

I see. We're playing for paper? Okay,
I'm in.

Look, soldier, you don't understand. You
see...

We don't have any cash, so we gotta play
for these.

These are IOUs. Oh.

I may be very dense, but to me it still
looks like paper.

No, no, no. You see, you have all the
money. We have none. So we play on

Yeah. You see, you trust us.

I trust you?

Well, I hardly know you.

All I know about you is... You're a
couple of card sharks who work army

taking over soldiers, huh? Oh, a
sharpie, huh? So that's it.

Let me see. This 500 will go back to
Doberman. This is for the welfare fund.

Say, Gene, I must have you for a steak
dinner sometime. You've been very nice.

Put the money back on the table and turn
around, soldier.

Oh, a gun.

See, that's a rare one. That's a Luger.
You don't see them anymore.

Oh, I've always been interested in guns.
Is that a .38 or a .45? I never am

sure, but the boys always know.

Boys, is this a Luger? No, that's a
Hoffmeyer .19.

Zinger Holstein. Mind your manners.
Arguing in front of company.

Here's your $500 and stay out of
trouble.

Get out the hall and wait until we call
you.

And now, you three scoffies, have I ever
seen any of your faces anywhere near an

army camp? Oh, don't worry, soldier.
He's going right back to Cleveland where

belongs to work in a garage.

She's not kidding.

Why don't you stay where you belong,
trying to be a big shot?

I wish I could live off you for the rest
of my life. Here, here's bus fare back

home. Sarge, what do you want to do with
this guy, the kid with the gun? You

want to prefer charges against him?

That's Doberman's beat. We ought to give
Doberman a little something to stand on

on his own, make his own decision.

Get me Doberman on a double. Doberman!

You've been seeing too many Humphrey
Bogart pictures. Here he is, Sarge.

Doberman, do you want to prefer charges
against this man?

Now, please, soldier, the gun wasn't
even loaded. Honest, it wasn't. All

Now you listen to me.

When he says his hotel, he means... Out
of my hotel!

What do you mean, out of your hotel?

I just met the owner out in the hall. He
sold me the whole thing for $500.

So in tonight's cast, Marie Scottfield
was Doberman, Sally Mansfield played

Jean, Grant Richards was Steve, and
Danny Dayton played Chester.