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Fort Baxter to be tested for reception
center.
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Men, I don't have to tell you what it
will mean to show General Rogers...
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that we can process, uniform, and induct
over 300 recruits into the Army within
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the standard limit of three hours.
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We must operate like a machine, but
without using any names, if there's a
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wrench thrown in that... Oh, really,
sir, I would... I'm not mentioning any
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names, Sergeant Bilko.
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Men, I think Washington is in for a
surprise.
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Captain Barker will tell you about it.
Captain Barker? How about that? Quiet,
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little Joe, quiet.
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Thank you, sir.
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By eliminating eight of the steps now
used in processing by the army, which
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nothing but red tape and repetition,
through the means of my revised system,
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which for the present time we'll call
the Barker system, we can process these
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men not in three hours, but in two
hours. Two hours? Sound impossible.
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Oh, no, it isn't. If we can keep these
men moving at top speed from the time
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they check in, moving, moving, moving,
moving, moving, we can do it. This is
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men. If we can do it, promotions for you
up and down the line.
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Not only the officers, but the enlisted
men.
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And I may add, your commanding officer,
instead of an unknown colonel on a
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forgotten post, will be an officer of
stature and military importance.
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You're leaving us, sir.
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Never mind. You'll be missed around
here, sir. What about adventure?
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Quiet!
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I'm staying.
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And I'll stay right behind you, sir,
reflecting in the glory of your leaving.
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Quiet! No.
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Wilco, whether you stay or not depends
on what happens today.
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There will be an inspection by General
Rogers just before zero hour.
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A general inspecting my barracks, sir?
Sir, may I suggest that... I know, I
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thought of that too, but it's too late
to burn your barracks. Too late.
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All right, men, let's do it.
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Oh, Rocco, these loose signs were an
inspiration.
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Thanks, Sarge. Oh, the barracks look
nice. Now look, they've got a shine.
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I want all the belts right in the line.
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Oh, come on, Doberman. Lift it, lift it.
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Now, stomach's in.
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Oh, never mind.
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Now, here's what happens. When the
general walks in, you'll probably walk
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like, well, this is a fine barracks, and
the first one he'll see, uh, uh, get
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back just a little. Just, that gives a
little more dimension. All right, the
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general will walk in, and I can still
see him. Block him off a little. Just
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cover it up.
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Why is he here today?
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He's the barracks orderly. Ah.
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Barracks orderly, front and center.
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Take care of the furnace room, Doberman.
In the middle of the summer, Sarge? You
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never know, the wind may shift on a
double. All right, barracks looks better
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already. Now, police everything.
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Get everything shining, understand?
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Here come the rookies, Sarge.
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Welcome. Welcome to the hotel,
gentlemen. There'll be a private room
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everyone. Doctor Bilko, this is section
7B, 12 men. You're responsible for their
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processing. That's all. Thank you very
much, sir.
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All right, men, let's keep a steady
line. Nice little line. Hey, hey, hey!
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No, no, men!
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Don't be proud. That's just the way we
do it. Come on, men, on the double.
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be nervous. May I introduce myself?
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I'm your master sergeant, Sergeant
Ernest Bilko, but you men, you can call
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Ernie. What about that? That's a good
way to start, isn't it?
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You can check your valuables with
Corporal Barbella.
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He's bonded.
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And those of you who want to leave your
suitcases, that's Corporal Henshaw on
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the left and a ruckle.
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Sergeant, Sergeant, my name is Chapman.
I have a question.
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There's always one. There's always one.
Like what? Well, you see, I have some
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perishable things in the bag. I'm afraid
if it's under a pile of luggage, if
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there was some empty room... All right,
all right, all right. Put it in the
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furnace room at the end of the barracks
on a double. All right, men, let's have
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that line. All right, a little spark to
it. Now, men, in a few minutes, there's
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going to be a general in here on
inspection.
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Now, take it easy, will you, Zippo?
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Everything is going to be all right.
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Here, let's get behind the furnace. I'll
get you out of the bag.
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Come on, now.
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Now, Zippo.
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Now, listen.
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Try and understand. Hey!
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Oh, keep it quiet, will you? Are you
crazy?
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A monkey in a bag? You don't understand.
It was the only thing I could do, you
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see. My brother was supposed to... Now,
remember, you men.
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Not a shoelace out of line. Hey, Sarge,
the inspection party just left the mess
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hall. There's a general with them. Let
him come. All right, men. Give me those
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steely eyes, those hard muscles. I want
all you fellas doping in. I want you
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back in the freighter's room.
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Listen, you.
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I told you, didn't I? I want doping in
back in that freighter's room.
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Don't freeze on me in an emergency.
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Sarge, that wasn't doping. That was a
monkey.
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Oh, you're really cracking up. Did you
hear that, men?
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Rocko says he thought that he saw a
mark.
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It's a monkey!
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Grab him! Grab him! Grab him!
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Come on up and take me straight to the
back. Hide!
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Hide! Here they come, Sergeant!
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This is an orderful mission.
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Sergeant Bilko in command.
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Isn't that a rather odd formation,
Sergeant?
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Sir, it's just an example of the vision
of our commanding officer.
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We are constantly training, learning the
military maneuvers of foreign nations,
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sir. Oh, and what's this one?
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Well, surely the general recognizes the
British square.
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The British square? That's the square
that won over India, you know, sir. Very
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interesting, Colonel.
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I wish I had time to show the general
the Armenian oblong, but I... No, never
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mind. We haven't much time.
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Armenian oblong. You must explain it. Of
course, of course. Belko, what's going
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on? Sir, everything's going as smooth as
glass. Thank you. Three cheers for the
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colonel. Hip, hip. Hooray!
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00:06:09,340 --> 00:06:12,340
Now, listen to me. You get that monkey
out of here. He's not a monkey. He's a
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chimpanzee. Excuse me. I'm sorry if I
hurt your feelings. Please, I've got no
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time for that. Get him out of here.
What's your game? No game. We're a board
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a life.
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Charlie and Zippo here.
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I raised them. Look, I tried to explain
to the draft board that if I left them
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with strangers, they'd pine away and
die.
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Why? Why?
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My brother was supposed to meet me here
in Roseville.
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If he would have been on time, the train
was probably late. He's probably right
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in town now looking for me. Hey, Sarge,
maybe we could sneak the monkey into
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town. Are you nuts? The post is
swarming. Please, I don't want that.
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Please, I'll just stop now. Wait a
minute. Listen, Sarge, maybe we could
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him off the post. Then he could pick up
his brother in town, bring him back
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home. And listen, Sarge, he could take
care of the monkey. Yeah, you're getting
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him from the back fence into town and
back before the processing begins.
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having a lot of fun, aren't you? You
know what this means if they find a
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on a post?
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Get him out of here. You go and get your
brother. Get him off.
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Come on, suppose.
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There's some bananas in the bag.
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Get a bag of bananas. Stay right there.
You, get him hidden in the latrine.
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Cover him with something.
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Why?
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Why?
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All right, you guys, fall in, just like
you was before. Come on, line up. Hurry
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up. Come on, now. What a double line
-up, will you? Let's go. Get somebody in
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here. All right, now, listen, you guys.
Not one word about the monkey.
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Attention, all units.
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This is Captain...
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to the staging area.
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It is zero minus three.
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Oh, no. Not already. Get rid of the
monkey. Hide him in the latrine, will
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need! I need!
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Latrine? What's a latrine?
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I don't know. Hey, hey, hey. There's an
officer coming.
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All right, Squad 7B. This way. Follow
me.
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All right. All right. Oh, oh, oh.
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Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh.
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Oh, oh, oh.
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Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh.
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Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh.
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Oh, oh, oh.
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Oh, oh,
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oh.
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William O 'Brien, have you ever had
rheumatism, pneumonia, smallpox,
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00:08:01,550 --> 00:08:03,550
German measles? Next. No. State your
name.
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Edwin Dubrow.
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Edwin Dubrow.
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00:08:06,330 --> 00:08:09,910
Edwin Dubrow. Edwin Dubrow, have you
ever had rheumatism, pneumonia,
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00:08:10,070 --> 00:08:12,670
chickenpox, German measles? Next. State
your name.
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Harry, speak up. Harry, speak up.
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00:08:16,790 --> 00:08:20,050
Harry, speak up. Harry, have you ever
had rheumatism, pneumonia, smallpox,
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chickenpox, German measles? Next.
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German measles. Next. All right, speed
it up. Speed it up. Keep moving.
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How's it going? Oh, Bilko's squad all
checked in. Captain, I must explain
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something. Oh, say, Bilko, your squad
and seven of you all checked in. All?
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Yes, you had 12, didn't you? Yes.
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What? Oh, they must have got them back
in time. What is that? A jam up in the
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dental unit?
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Bilko, push them through dental. Come
on. All right, get them. All right.
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Come on.
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Smallpox, chickenpox, German measles.
Next. Move, move, move. Everybody on a
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double. Keep this line going. All right,
all right. Come on. No smoking. All
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right.
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But sir!
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Aye, that's an order!
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The channel.
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All right, the channel.
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Open wide.
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Cavity upper left molar. Next. Edwin
Dubrow. Edwin Dubrow. Open wide.
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Check my cockpit.
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Next. Harry, speak up. Harry, speak up.
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Open wide.
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Overdeveloped canine.
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00:09:26,750 --> 00:09:27,750
Martin Ford.
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00:09:27,830 --> 00:09:28,830
Martin Ford.
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00:09:28,890 --> 00:09:32,390
Oh, if you give us... Small post, a
chance to show what we can do. We'll
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00:09:32,390 --> 00:09:35,390
surprise you. Colonel Hall, I'm... Bill
Coe, I'm busy. Sir, I must see you.
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00:09:35,710 --> 00:09:39,530
It'll keep till later. Sir, this is very
important. I must see you. Sir, you've
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00:09:39,530 --> 00:09:43,070
got to stop the line, sir. Of course.
Long enough for you to collect a bet
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00:09:43,070 --> 00:09:44,610
we won't finish on schedule. Sir,
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00:09:46,450 --> 00:09:50,770
I must see you. Bill Coe, get back to
your station. Squad 7B, take off your
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00:09:50,770 --> 00:09:52,190
shoes. Get ready for foot clinic.
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00:09:52,750 --> 00:09:53,950
Foot clinic. Oh, no.
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Edwin Dubrow.
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Cleverly left arch. Check.
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00:09:59,430 --> 00:10:00,740
Next. John D .K.
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00:10:00,940 --> 00:10:02,460
Okay. Check. Next.
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00:10:02,720 --> 00:10:03,720
Harry, speak up.
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00:10:32,270 --> 00:10:33,910
feet all day, it's bound to happen.
201
00:10:36,110 --> 00:10:37,390
Next, Martin Ford.
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00:10:38,750 --> 00:10:39,910
Concipian bunion, left foot.
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00:10:40,110 --> 00:10:42,810
Jack, there was a stoppage. We lost 10
seconds. What happened?
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00:10:43,150 --> 00:10:48,230
Nothing. Next. I have to take one of the
men out of the line. Out of what?
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00:10:48,470 --> 00:10:52,570
He isn't what you think he is. That's
for the psychiatrist to find out.
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00:10:52,570 --> 00:10:53,570
heading there now.
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00:10:53,690 --> 00:10:54,690
Psychiatrist?
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00:10:55,810 --> 00:10:58,890
You know, and sometimes my frustrations
get so great that I think I'm going to
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00:10:58,890 --> 00:10:59,890
go... Next,
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00:11:01,630 --> 00:11:02,630
Harry, speak up.
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00:11:03,630 --> 00:11:06,350
Well, Harry, be free to talk now. Do you
love your mother and father or any
212
00:11:06,350 --> 00:11:07,350
frustrations? Do you agree?
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00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:31,100
Tell me about your mother and father.
Were they kind to you when you were a
214
00:11:31,100 --> 00:11:34,340
child, or about your aunt? Sir, please,
just don't say anything until the
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00:11:34,340 --> 00:11:38,420
general is off the post, please. What
are you talking about? You know, this
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00:11:38,420 --> 00:11:39,420
Harry Spico.
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00:11:39,620 --> 00:11:42,280
What about Harry? I just had a nice chat
with him. He's going to be all right.
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00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:45,160
All right,
219
00:11:46,060 --> 00:11:47,100
what's the jam up here?
220
00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:51,300
They're taking the intelligence test.
Get them through. All right, let's go,
221
00:11:51,340 --> 00:11:52,340
let's go, let's go.
222
00:11:52,640 --> 00:11:54,380
Intelligence test. Keep it moving, keep
it moving.
223
00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:57,760
All right, let's go. Keep it moving.
Take any seat. Now, you'll find...
224
00:11:58,060 --> 00:12:00,800
Bilko, what are you doing here? Nothing,
sir. Just thought if I could help out.
225
00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:03,560
All right, all right. Never mind. You'll
find a printed test and a pencil at
226
00:12:03,560 --> 00:12:06,920
each desk. Read the instructions
carefully before you begin, then check
227
00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:07,679
answers clearly.
228
00:12:07,680 --> 00:12:08,680
Begin. All right.
229
00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:16,340
Sir, are there any irregularities, sir?
If there's any irregularity, Bilko,
230
00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:17,400
there'll be an investigation.
231
00:12:17,720 --> 00:12:18,960
Investigation? You all through?
232
00:12:20,500 --> 00:12:21,500
Oh, your pencil.
233
00:12:25,290 --> 00:12:27,850
Print your name in the upper right -hand
corner. Print your name. Print your
234
00:12:27,850 --> 00:12:29,410
name in the upper right -hand corner.
All right.
235
00:12:29,850 --> 00:12:31,730
Dismissed. That's all. Get him up. Get
him up.
236
00:12:32,130 --> 00:12:33,630
All right, fellas. Keep it moving.
237
00:12:34,610 --> 00:12:39,450
I don't believe it. You may make it in
two hours. Two hours? General, you
238
00:12:39,450 --> 00:12:42,210
get over to the assembly hall to swear
them in or they'll beat you to it.
239
00:12:43,950 --> 00:12:47,050
We're going to do it, sir. We're going
to do it. All right. Get those records
240
00:12:47,050 --> 00:12:51,230
off. One hour and 46 minutes. We're
going to do it, sir. We're going to do
241
00:12:52,910 --> 00:12:56,050
I don't know. You must stop the line.
Not now, Bilko. Say you don't know.
242
00:12:56,110 --> 00:12:57,150
There's an emergency, sir.
243
00:12:57,550 --> 00:13:02,910
Stop the line when we're on the verge of
breaking all records for inducting 309
244
00:13:02,910 --> 00:13:04,870
men into the army in under two hours?
245
00:13:05,210 --> 00:13:06,230
308 men, sir.
246
00:13:07,239 --> 00:13:07,999
308 men?
247
00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:09,980
Yes, one of them is a monkey, sir. A
monkey?
248
00:13:10,300 --> 00:13:13,160
Yes, sir. It's an emergency. Please
listen to me. Bill Coe, is this one of
249
00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:16,200
jokes? It's not a joke. I was never more
serious. It's even got a name. Private
250
00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:19,820
Harry Speakup. I don't know how it
happened. He got in on sir inducting a
251
00:13:19,820 --> 00:13:23,060
into the army and you did it, sir.
You've got to... Sir, you must stop
252
00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:26,600
please. Stop the processing. Stop the...
What?
253
00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:28,920
What is it, sir?
254
00:13:28,940 --> 00:13:29,940
Sir, what is it?
255
00:13:57,610 --> 00:13:58,730
was nobody's fault?
256
00:13:59,930 --> 00:14:01,350
What a way to end a career.
257
00:14:04,030 --> 00:14:08,150
Will they remember me as a West Point
officer that was cited twice for
258
00:14:09,310 --> 00:14:13,910
No. They'll remember me as a man that
opened the doors of the army to the
259
00:14:13,910 --> 00:14:14,910
kingdom.
260
00:14:16,650 --> 00:14:17,650
A monkey.
261
00:14:18,050 --> 00:14:21,170
Well, sir, there's another way to look
at it in these tense times. The world
262
00:14:21,170 --> 00:14:25,550
needs a good laugh, sir. One hour and 58
minutes. We did it, sir. We did it.
263
00:14:27,120 --> 00:14:30,360
I knew you could do it, sir. Great piece
of work, sir. We can all be proud,
264
00:14:30,460 --> 00:14:35,520
gentlemen. Proud of our leader here.
Just think, sir, in under two hours, 309
265
00:14:35,520 --> 00:14:36,520
men.
266
00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:37,720
308 men.
267
00:14:38,100 --> 00:14:39,100
308?
268
00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:43,640
308 men, and the other one was... I
can't.
269
00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:46,720
You tell him what he was, Belko.
270
00:14:47,180 --> 00:14:50,060
Well, actually, it's the way you look at
it. Tell him!
271
00:14:52,240 --> 00:14:53,240
He's a monkey.
272
00:14:53,420 --> 00:14:54,399
A monkey?
273
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:59,380
Oh, no! Now I remember those feet!
Belko, you'll pay for this. I'll pay for
274
00:14:59,380 --> 00:15:03,340
this. General Rogers.
275
00:15:03,880 --> 00:15:08,000
General Rogers, we just have to make
some changes in the records here.
276
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:10,940
someone... Is anything the matter,
General?
277
00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:15,080
Nothing, nothing. It's just that I...
Nothing, nothing.
278
00:15:15,700 --> 00:15:20,140
Perhaps I should escort the General to
the guest house where he can rest a
279
00:15:20,140 --> 00:15:24,560
while. No, no, no, I'll be all right.
It's just that I thought I saw...
280
00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:30,780
I was shaking hands with the new men as
they filed by, and suddenly...
281
00:15:30,780 --> 00:15:37,200
I'll be all right.
282
00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:39,660
No use. Tell them, Wilco.
283
00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:41,640
Tell me what?
284
00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:46,480
Well, sir, what you thought was a... No.
285
00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:48,260
It was, sir.
286
00:15:49,660 --> 00:15:50,660
Monkey?
287
00:15:50,940 --> 00:15:51,940
Monkey.
288
00:15:58,100 --> 00:16:00,920
Oh, the general has a sense of humor.
289
00:16:03,100 --> 00:16:05,520
So we took a monkey into the army.
290
00:16:07,580 --> 00:16:09,960
We took a monkey into the army!
291
00:16:11,120 --> 00:16:12,120
General... Quiet!
292
00:16:12,340 --> 00:16:17,940
The monkey and I swore him in. But,
sir... Why don't we all look at the
293
00:16:17,940 --> 00:16:21,180
side, sir? This proves that we have a
democratic army.
294
00:16:23,560 --> 00:16:24,219
this man?
295
00:16:24,220 --> 00:16:27,740
He's the sergeant responsible for this
whole mess, sir. We're all responsible.
296
00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:29,040
But, sir, I... Quiet!
297
00:16:30,980 --> 00:16:32,220
This is General Rogers.
298
00:16:32,700 --> 00:16:36,200
Lock all the gates, cut off all
communications until further notice.
299
00:16:37,180 --> 00:16:42,320
Now, let's stop acting like a lot of
hysterical women and get this mess
300
00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:45,980
straightened out. No, a direct action.
That's what makes him a general.
301
00:16:46,040 --> 00:16:47,040
you can take no... Quiet!
302
00:16:48,980 --> 00:16:50,660
That will be all, Private.
303
00:16:54,160 --> 00:16:57,400
Perhaps the general hadn't noticed
that... I know. I'm thinking ahead.
304
00:17:00,140 --> 00:17:01,300
Well, Lieutenant?
305
00:17:05,359 --> 00:17:06,359
Lieutenant?
306
00:17:06,720 --> 00:17:07,720
Oh, I see.
307
00:17:07,880 --> 00:17:12,220
Exactly. Unless this ridiculous mess is
kept quiet.
308
00:17:12,460 --> 00:17:13,940
Yes. Sergeant Barker?
309
00:17:17,680 --> 00:17:19,420
Get that monkey off the post
immediately.
310
00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:22,319
Arnold, get those records changed.
311
00:17:22,680 --> 00:17:25,460
I'm afraid it's not... Quite that
simple, sir. What do you mean?
312
00:17:25,680 --> 00:17:27,480
The records have already been sent to
the Pentagon.
313
00:17:27,819 --> 00:17:28,779
Oh, no!
314
00:17:28,780 --> 00:17:33,880
They have the records of 309 men. If we
can produce only 308, they'll start
315
00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:37,140
inquiring what happened to Private
Speakup. We've got to move fast.
316
00:17:37,380 --> 00:17:39,020
Throw him out for his abnormal
intelligence.
317
00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:42,240
Well, what's wrong?
318
00:17:42,620 --> 00:17:44,260
He was third highest in his group.
319
00:17:46,120 --> 00:17:47,120
Third highest?
320
00:17:48,460 --> 00:17:51,200
He's a bright little monkey when you
think of it.
321
00:17:51,520 --> 00:17:52,520
Not that!
322
00:17:53,800 --> 00:17:54,800
This is fantastic!
323
00:17:54,960 --> 00:18:00,540
Fantastic! Well, sir, unless we find
some legal reason to discharge... I
324
00:18:00,540 --> 00:18:01,540
want to be bothered.
325
00:18:02,060 --> 00:18:03,600
What? He's in the kitchen?
326
00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:06,220
He bit Sergeant Zwicky's finger?
327
00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:09,840
Just one moment, sir. He bit a superior
officer?
328
00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:13,620
Oh, Captain Barker, do you mean... A
court -martial.
329
00:18:14,100 --> 00:18:16,690
A court -martial? Court! Marge, it ain't
a monkey.
330
00:18:16,890 --> 00:18:20,450
It's the only legal way, sir. That's
right, sir. And once the monkey's proved
331
00:18:20,450 --> 00:18:23,870
guilty and discharged, the legal
channels are open for disciplinary
332
00:18:23,870 --> 00:18:28,070
against the person responsible for this
whole mess. Yes, whoever's responsible
333
00:18:28,070 --> 00:18:29,810
should pay. We've all been embarrassed.
334
00:18:31,930 --> 00:18:32,930
Really,
335
00:18:34,250 --> 00:18:36,410
sir, you're not going to blame me if the
monkey's... Quiet!
336
00:18:36,860 --> 00:18:40,620
Cut the orders. Court -martial convenes
in 15 minutes. But in 15 minutes... And
337
00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:43,840
I am appointing you the monkey's defense
counsel. We'll kill two birds with one
338
00:18:43,840 --> 00:18:47,880
stone. But, sir, really, I... 15 minutes
are not a word to this to anyone.
339
00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:49,320
Ever.
340
00:18:50,060 --> 00:18:51,920
We're going to court -martial a monkey.
341
00:18:55,840 --> 00:18:57,060
Summary of court -martial proceedings.
342
00:18:57,840 --> 00:19:00,880
Read tape. Quickly get this stupid farce
over with the bitter.
343
00:19:01,260 --> 00:19:02,440
Court is convened.
344
00:19:02,940 --> 00:19:04,180
Is the prosecution ready?
345
00:19:04,420 --> 00:19:05,420
Ready, sir.
346
00:19:05,500 --> 00:19:06,680
Is the defense counsel ready?
347
00:19:06,880 --> 00:19:08,220
Sir, I'd like a postponement.
348
00:19:08,860 --> 00:19:09,860
Postponement?
349
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:13,160
Well, sir, there are certain legal
points that I haven't had a chance to
350
00:19:13,160 --> 00:19:14,039
into. Silence!
351
00:19:14,040 --> 00:19:15,040
Yes, sir.
352
00:19:15,120 --> 00:19:16,120
Bring in the defendant.
353
00:19:16,380 --> 00:19:17,980
Bring in Private Harry Speakup.
354
00:19:22,940 --> 00:19:27,120
Oh, no, I... I can't go through with it.
I don't blame you. That's the best fit
355
00:19:27,120 --> 00:19:28,120
you can... Quiet!
356
00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:30,960
Sir, it's the only way. Otherwise, it
might look like we... I'll get it over
357
00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:31,960
with!
358
00:19:32,150 --> 00:19:33,310
Read the specifications.
359
00:19:34,610 --> 00:19:36,610
Specifications against the Q, please
respond.
360
00:19:37,410 --> 00:19:41,010
That on the 16th day of June this year,
the defendant, Private Harry Speaker,
361
00:19:41,290 --> 00:19:46,350
did willfully and maliciously break Army
Regulation 67BQ by assaulting a
362
00:19:46,350 --> 00:19:50,270
superior officer, Master Sergeant
Stanley Sawicki, by biting him on the
363
00:19:50,270 --> 00:19:53,210
index finger. No one will ever believe
this.
364
00:19:54,230 --> 00:19:55,470
Call the first witness.
365
00:19:55,710 --> 00:19:56,710
Sergeant Sawicki.
366
00:19:56,870 --> 00:19:57,870
Sergeant Sawicki.
367
00:19:59,130 --> 00:20:00,750
Come on, come on, come on.
368
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,000
Sergeant Sawicki, do you solemnly
swear... Hurry up!
369
00:20:03,580 --> 00:20:04,580
I do.
370
00:20:05,560 --> 00:20:07,180
Will you state your full name and rank?
371
00:20:07,780 --> 00:20:10,700
Stanley Sawicki, Master Sergeant of the
United States Army.
372
00:20:11,180 --> 00:20:12,860
Sergeant, will you state your present
duties?
373
00:20:13,380 --> 00:20:14,520
I'm the company cook.
374
00:20:15,980 --> 00:20:20,220
In your own words, Sergeant, will you
tell the court what happened at exactly
375
00:20:20,220 --> 00:20:22,420
,400 hours on the 16th day of June?
376
00:20:22,860 --> 00:20:26,860
Yes, sir. I was going into the storeroom
to get some apples for the Waldorf
377
00:20:26,860 --> 00:20:31,370
salad. We always have Waldorf salad on
Thursdays, and when I don't have any
378
00:20:31,370 --> 00:20:34,990
walnuts... Are you going to recite the
book and bake it with you, or are you
379
00:20:34,990 --> 00:20:35,990
going to tell us what happened?
380
00:20:36,330 --> 00:20:37,770
Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.
381
00:20:38,290 --> 00:20:41,990
I reach for an apple when all of a
sudden this monkey comes in...
382
00:20:42,510 --> 00:20:46,690
Objection! I object to the use of the
derogatory word monkey when referring to
383
00:20:46,690 --> 00:20:47,690
my defendant.
384
00:20:49,050 --> 00:20:50,050
You object?
385
00:20:50,330 --> 00:20:53,670
Well, really, sir, until this court
rules otherwise, the defendant is a
386
00:20:53,670 --> 00:20:54,730
in the United States Army.
387
00:20:54,950 --> 00:20:55,950
That's right.
388
00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:08,520
As a private in the United States Army,
he's privileged to the title and the
389
00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:09,520
rank he's deserving.
390
00:21:09,540 --> 00:21:12,020
A rank that has come through the
glorious years to be known.
391
00:21:13,020 --> 00:21:14,680
Objection sustained. Go on.
392
00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:24,400
Well, sir, like I was saying, sir, this,
uh... Private Harry Speakup. This
393
00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:30,180
Private Harry Speakup grabbed the
bananas and I ordered him to drop the
394
00:21:31,100 --> 00:21:33,200
He wouldn't pay any attention to me.
395
00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:36,140
And in the ensuing struggle, he bit my
hand.
396
00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:38,820
And that's the story, sir.
397
00:21:39,020 --> 00:21:41,860
Well, it's pretty clear he's guilty.
Stand by for sentencing. Cross
398
00:21:41,860 --> 00:21:43,820
-examination. Cross -examination?
399
00:21:44,580 --> 00:21:48,280
Bill Coe, are you trying to stall this?
Oh, really, sir. I'm sure you want to
400
00:21:48,280 --> 00:21:52,020
give justice in the history of
jurisprudence of the Army courts. You're
401
00:21:52,020 --> 00:21:53,020
witness.
402
00:21:53,680 --> 00:21:58,700
Sergeant Zerwicki, you stated, and I
think I quote you exactly, I ordered him
403
00:21:58,700 --> 00:22:01,160
drop the bananas, and he paid no
attention to me.
404
00:22:01,520 --> 00:22:02,520
That's right.
405
00:22:02,620 --> 00:22:03,660
Didn't he say anything?
406
00:22:04,040 --> 00:22:07,040
I didn't say anything. He just chatted a
little. Chatter, chatter, which you did
407
00:22:07,040 --> 00:22:09,340
not understand. I'm telling him.
Chatter.
408
00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:13,720
Who can understand it? Did it ever occur
to you, sir, that in this very
409
00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:16,920
chattering he was trying in his own way
to explain perhaps the bananas were his?
410
00:22:17,080 --> 00:22:20,860
And does it occur to you as a private
he's entitled to be fed by the United
411
00:22:20,860 --> 00:22:21,819
States Army?
412
00:22:21,820 --> 00:22:25,520
Milko, stop stalling. It's an open and
shut case. The monkey... Ah, ah,
413
00:22:25,620 --> 00:22:26,620
objection.
414
00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:32,620
Excuse me. Private speak -up bit a non
-commissioned officer maliciously.
415
00:22:33,040 --> 00:22:36,180
Maliciously, sir. Could he... Well, to
go on further.
416
00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:39,860
Sergeant Sawicki, you stated that you
reached down and grabbed him.
417
00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:41,440
Is that clear?
418
00:22:41,680 --> 00:22:43,220
Yeah. Had he grabbed you first?
419
00:22:43,420 --> 00:22:48,000
No. Is the sergeant aware of army
regulations which specifically state a
420
00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:52,020
-commissioned officer must not lay a
hand on an enlisted man at any time?
421
00:22:52,040 --> 00:22:55,600
wait a minute. All I did was... All you
did was disqualify yourself as a
422
00:22:55,600 --> 00:22:58,820
witness, and I submit to the court,
since we have no authoritative witness,
423
00:22:58,980 --> 00:23:02,740
through the history of the army, the
case shows there can be no trial, and my
424
00:23:02,740 --> 00:23:03,740
defendant is innocent.
425
00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:08,240
Innocent? Yes, sir. Do you say we can't
even court -martial the monkey?
426
00:23:10,010 --> 00:23:13,470
this time I think you've gone too far.
Sir, I hate to give the trouble to the
427
00:23:13,470 --> 00:23:16,750
court. Just a minute, sir. I think he's
calling for another lawyer.
428
00:23:32,550 --> 00:23:34,670
Now, you've got to let me handle this my
way.
429
00:23:36,719 --> 00:23:39,080
interruption, sir, but there is no case
against the witness.
430
00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:43,020
In that case, there is no charge against
me. I'll return to my men. Thank you
431
00:23:43,020 --> 00:23:44,760
very much. No charge against you,
Sergeant?
432
00:23:44,980 --> 00:23:45,599
What's this?
433
00:23:45,600 --> 00:23:48,040
This civilian was found sneaking into
the post through the back fence.
434
00:23:48,560 --> 00:23:51,520
A spy! I'll take care of him. Not so
fast, Belko.
435
00:23:51,760 --> 00:23:56,580
Mr. Chaplin, you were in this camp, and
then against all regulations went AWOL.
436
00:23:56,800 --> 00:23:58,360
I know, sir, but I was ordered to.
437
00:23:58,560 --> 00:24:01,780
And who ordered you to do this? Sergeant
Belko. I never saw this man in my
438
00:24:01,780 --> 00:24:02,780
entire life.
439
00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:04,740
Belko, this time we've got you.
440
00:24:05,200 --> 00:24:07,960
A sergeant ordering a man to go AWOL.
441
00:24:08,320 --> 00:24:12,060
The court -martial is still in session.
Just change the name from Stiglitz to
442
00:24:12,060 --> 00:24:17,060
Wilcox. Oh, sir, we're in no trouble
here, sir. What are you talking about?
443
00:24:17,120 --> 00:24:19,580
Well, it's just a slight
misunderstanding. It's very clear.
444
00:24:19,780 --> 00:24:20,800
Well, start clearing.
445
00:24:21,360 --> 00:24:24,900
Sir, your name is Chapman. That's right.
Now, will you state what happened when
446
00:24:24,900 --> 00:24:28,420
the defendant entered the United States
Army? Well, it broke up our act.
447
00:24:28,640 --> 00:24:29,640
And that meant?
448
00:24:29,720 --> 00:24:31,540
That meant he's a sole supporter of
myself.
449
00:24:32,030 --> 00:24:35,650
my mother and father, my brother, and
his entire family. And so without him,
450
00:24:35,730 --> 00:24:36,730
there was no living.
451
00:24:37,110 --> 00:24:39,690
A hardship case. A hardship case.
452
00:24:40,670 --> 00:24:41,910
He's out of the army.
453
00:24:42,270 --> 00:24:43,270
He's out.
454
00:24:43,490 --> 00:24:45,630
He's out. Little Coe, I don't see how
you're doing.
455
00:24:46,050 --> 00:24:47,570
Marshal Harry, speak up. He's over.
456
00:24:47,870 --> 00:24:53,230
And remember, men, from this day on, you
heard nothing. No, sir.
457
00:24:53,430 --> 00:24:54,430
You saw nothing.
458
00:24:55,290 --> 00:24:56,730
You say nothing.
459
00:25:05,070 --> 00:25:09,270
Also seen in tonight's cast were John
Boroff as General Rogers, Nicholas
460
00:25:09,270 --> 00:25:13,370
Saunders as Captain Barker, Joey Fay as
Chapman, and Zippy as himself.
461
00:25:25,330 --> 00:25:29,310
Diane Shallott as the girl, Joey Ross as
Sergeant Ritzig, Nick Saunders as
462
00:25:29,310 --> 00:25:32,750
Captain Barker, Gordon Peters as the
psychiatrist, and John Boroff as Captain
463
00:25:32,750 --> 00:25:33,750
Barker.
39780
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