All language subtitles for phil_silvers_show_s01e17_the_investigation

budget held up.

Special committee appointed to
investigate rumors of military waste.

Committee findings may mean pay cuts for
men in service.

Cuts? What are you worried? Just another
investigation.

Are they kidding?

Immediate investigation of army bases
planned by committee.

Those are the headlines.

Now for Fenton Dudley in Washington.

Good evening. This is Fenton Dudley.

With me in the studio tonight is the
special citizens committee appointed to

make a whirlwind tour through army
installations.

investigating rumors of waste and
pampering of our soldiers, former

Pettygill, Mrs. Alice Colby, president
of the Women for Economy and Government

League, and the chairman of the
committee, Mr. Clyde Fortright,

Taxpayers Federation to Cut Waste in
Government.

Mr. Fortright, can you tell us briefly
the purpose of this investigation?

Fenton, our purpose is plain. We're out
to save money.

Heaven knows we don't want to hamstring
the defenses of our country.

But we hear rumors of enlisted men who
are living the lives of country

gentlemen. A four -year vacation with
pay.

They found out about Biltro.

It's our duty to investigate these
rumors.

Rumors of country club living where the
finest imported wine is served.

Wise. This is domestic if I ever tasted
domestic.

Congressman Pettygill, would you say a
few words?

Let's get something else on now. Right.

I don't bother you when you listen to
ding -dong school.

This is important.

I'm with Clyde here, whole hog. When I
was in the Army, just a dog face and

proud of it, I was paid $21 a day, once
a month.

Thank you.

Mrs. Colby, will you tell us a little
about your trip?

Well, it's more or less top secret, but
we're going to start with the Army.

You're going to sort of swoop down on
some camp, unannounced.

Some poor commanding officer's in for
it.

We're going to some out -of -the -way
place.

Somewhere in the Middle West.

The Middle West?

There must be hundreds of camps in the
Middle West besides ours.

A camp nobody hears about because
practically nothing ever happens there.

They're getting warm.

The camp we're investigating is an
almost forgotten outpost of our military

system. Draft.

Unrecognized. Practically asleep.

They're coming here.

That's it, drab.

Unrecognized. Practically asleep.

He just described Fort Baxter. I gotta
go get my kitchen cleaner. I gotta

that old signal car.

Watermaster. Come here, you meatballs.

This is the chance we've been waiting
for. This is the chance to get a raise.

raise? He's gonna cut our pay.

Cut us?

When I show that committee around this
post and let them see how we live on the

means... The colonel's gonna let you
show him around the post.

Let me?

He's gonna order me to.

You stand by for instructions.

The committee is coming in on the 810
plane in the morning?

Yes, sir. Now, I'll have everything in
order.

They're coming here, all right.

What'll I do?

Nobody important has visited this post
since that camp show got lost and came

here by mistake.

Oh, dear, a military reception.

I'll alert the postman. The postman,
wait!

Find out if they can play any marches.
Nobody's ever heard them play anything

but mambos for Bilko's dances.

We'll get together the honor squad, sir.
The honor squad?

Three of its members are in the
guardhouse.

Why does this have to happen to me?

Come in.

Colonel Hall.

What is it, Bilko?

Sergeant Bilko. How nice to see you.

Thank you, miss.

Colonel, you didn't tell me there was a
movie star on the post. Here it comes.

Are you here to entertain?

All you folks do a grand job. Come now,
Sergeant Bilko.

It's Mrs.

Hall. If you get any younger, I swear
they'll be calling him a cradle

Bilko!

What is it? We're busy.

An investigating committee is coming
here. Oh, yes, sir. Isn't it exciting?

Exciting? Yes. Just think of the
wonderful opportunity to show off our

Bilko! Stop joking. I'm not joking, sir.
This is a service installation.

We're not prepared to entertain VIPs.
Well, it's a grand opportunity, sir.

meet them at the airport myself with the
staff cars thrown around the barracks.

You? You?

You'll meet them and take them around?

Well, sir, I presume... You certainly
are.

You're the last man in the army I trust
with visitors.

They'd end up in a crap game.

He does come out with the good ones.
Never mind.

Just see that your barracks are clean
and that your men are G .I. when I bring

them around.

Yes, sir.

Sir, are you going to show them around?

Of course.

Well, sir, I know you'll do a fine job
of showing them everything, but I can

only hope they'll believe you.

You hope they'll believe me? Well, no
offense, men, sir, but you know those

taxpayers' committees, they're very
suspicious.

And you as the commanding officer, well,
they may not think you're showing them

everything. Bilko, are you intimating
that I would want to hide something?

Oh, no. No, sir, you're the last person
in the world I suspect.

For land's sakes alive, sir, I would
vouch for you for anything. Oh, I'd

for you. I'd put my name on any lawyer.
Bill Cole!

Just what are you driving at? Well, sir,
you saw it yourself. This Congressman

Pettigrew, he's the next soldier. And
now those doughboys feel that they're

bitter about officers.

That has nothing to do with me.

I guess you're right, sir. Just have to
take your chances.

Chances? How can you help but admire a
man like this? He's gone through a thing

against all odds, even against ex
-congressmen who ought to get even with

officers. John, maybe Sergeant... She's
right. Every word she said is right.

Absolutely right, sir. Because we should
have no fuss, no bother, just an

uninterrupted day in the life of Fort
Baxter.

Yes, but tomorrow's Saturday. That's my
day to work in the garden. And it's my

day for collecting old clothes for the
Salvation Army. Wonderful, wonderful. A

typical Saturday of a happy, happy camp.
You digging away in your garden, you

collecting clothes for a worthy cause.

Oh, incidentally, Mrs. Hall, drop by the
barracks. The boys have some clothes

they want to give you. Oh, thank you,
Sergeant.

Colonel, he may be right.

Yes, yes.

They'll see we're not trying to hide
anything behind brass bands and parade.

The splendid idea this man comes up
with. Isn't it magnificent?

Just an uninterrupted day, a normal day.
An enlisted man meets them at the

airport, starts... Oh, sir, who shall we
get to meet them?

Oh, I wonder who we can get.

Oh, how about you? Oh, please, I
could...

Well, sir, I'd love to... Why, you've
been here longer than any other

You know the post better than anybody.

But, sir, I have such a busy schedule. I
don't know how... Bilko, you'll conduct

the tour. That's an order. Well, sir, if
it's an order... I'd better get my

clothes off the line. No, please, if you
don't mind my saying so, just leave it

the way it is. The clothes on the line
is the perfect touch so they can see

a happy, happy day at a camp.

A camp that's led by a magnificent
commanding officer.

Oh, come now, Bilko. Glad to see it.
Anytime.

Sergeant Milko, you've been ordered to
conduct this committee on inspection of

Camp Baxter.

Committee on an inspection?

Well, heavens, we're not even prepared.

We didn't expect that. Sergeant, we
meant this to be a surprise.

Well, sir, it certainly is.

Oh, just a moment.

Isn't this Congressman Pettigoat?

You recognize me. I recognize you, sir.
The champion of the South.

I always say the North may have won the
war, but you're going to live to make

them regret it.

Very good. I must remember that. This is
Mrs. Colby.

How do you do?

Say, I saw you last night on television,
and if I may say so, you're even

lovelier in person.

It must have been quite a sacrifice
giving up the career of a model to go

politics. Oh, now, Sergeant, a model.
Why, I'm just a plain housewife.

Plain, plain indeed, calling her plain.
That's like calling Marilyn Monroe

mousy.

Is this going to be a social visit?

Well, no, no, not the matter.

Oh, just a minute.

Isn't this Mr. Fortright?

Oh, the many times I've enjoyed your
speeches on temperance. Oh, yes, sir.

make carving nations seem like... Are
you through?

Yes, sir. If you are, we can get on with
our job.

We're here to cut down this waste and
extravagance we hear about. Oh, and it's

about time, if I may say so. No easy job
for a sergeant trying to handle men who

are so used to being pampered.

Pampered? Oh.

Well, now, I think we're lucky running
into a sergeant as intelligent as

Sergeant Bill Cole.

Thank you. I've seen your face on some
cover, wasn't it, Bo? No.

I've seen that face.

Leave! Yes, sir. May we begin? Well, of
course.

Well, this is a typical barracks. Who
could ask for anything more?

There is some rumors that they're going
to tear these barracks down, but I think

that's rather ridiculous. They were
built to last a hundred years, and he's

at least two more years to go.

Oh, yes, it's just like home.

Are those boards?

Oh, yes, but that's just for the
enlisted men. What the officers sleep

that's something else again.

I thought so. Yes, they sleep on straws.
Straws?

Oh, we don't mind. It gives us an
incentive to rise to the top, to become

officers ourselves.

You've got that wrong, dear.

Officers have the straws, not the straws
for the officers.

is your commanding officer?

Well, I believe this is his day off.

Out to the country club playing golf, I
suppose.

Or is it yachting this week?

Well, I'd rather not say, sir. Come
clean. What does he do?

Well, this is the day he makes a little
extra money doing work for the

civilians. Doing work for the civilians?
Oh, yes. You see, officers don't get

much pay. They have to pay for their own
uniforms. And at 60 cents an hour, he

gets digging cesspools, ditches, and...
Well,

it does pay. You see, it makes ends
meet.

The commanding officer takes in odd
jobs. This is the most ridiculous.

Attention! Colonel Hall!

Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, don't go, Colonel.
Don't go. Please don't say a word about

until he's terribly proud. Very proud.
Come in, Colonel.

I'm sorry. I didn't expect you to be in
here. My clothes are... Oh, I explained

everything, sir. Oh, thank you, Bill.
Oh, you haven't met the committee, have

you? This is Mrs. Colby, a well -known
model of years gone by. This is, uh,

Congressman Pettigold, Mr. Fortnight,
our Colonel. How do you do? Uh, pardon

for not shaking hands. Uh, they're a
little dirty.

We understand, Colonel.

Uh, you know, when you...

Work with the soil, you know. It's
nothing to be ashamed of.

Well, has Sergeant Bilko been showing
you everything that goes on at Fort

Baxter? He certainly has.

Well, Sergeant, I just dropped in to get
that shovel that you said you had. Oh,

yes. Corporal Barbella, the Colonel's
shovel.

When you've seen everything, won't you
come over and have dinner with my wife

and me?

That's our cottage over there with the
wash hanging out in front.

Now, carry on, Bilko. Thank you, sir.

Thank you, Corporal.

Oh, that reminds me. The washout front?
Yes, we must pick up our laundry. It's

ready at the colonel's wife. Your
laundry?

Oh, yes, the colonel's wife does our
laundry. The colonel's wife does your

washing? Oh, and a crackerjack job she
does.

Although you've got that wrong. It's not
the straw she does. She does the

laundry. The commanding officer's wife
takes in enlisted men's washing.

Sergeant Bilko, I just came to... Oh,
excuse me.

I just came for the clothes. Well, you
speak of an angel, I'll always appear.

This is our beloved commander's wife,
Mrs. Hall. I'd like to present the

committee. This is Mrs. Colby, a famous
model, isn't she lovely? This is

Congressman Pettigo and Mr. Portwright,
our colonel's wife. How do you do?

Oh, I appreciate this so much, Sergeant
Bilko.

If you knew the poverty.

Sergeant Bilko told us. And believe me,
Mrs. Hall, we're going to do everything

we can to help you. Oh, it will be so
appreciated.

Thank you.

Thanks. And don't forget to start with
the colors, dear. You've done a great

job.

Now, Alice. Oh, I can't help it. That
poor woman, and she can still smile.

Sergeant Philpott, a platoon has
returned.

Let them wait.

No, no, no.

Send them in. We'd like to see them.
Yes, yes, we would. All right, but

when you see them in their fancy
uniforms and full of zip and vigor,

it's just for your benefit. They've just
come back from regimental inspection.

Good. Nothing like the snap of a crack
platoon.

Oh, you are an army man, sir.

This is a platoon that just came back
from a regimental inspection?

Yes, sir, you'll have to excuse my
pride. You see, this is my very own

Sergeant, these men are barefoot.

Yes, ma 'am? I said they're not wearing
any shoes.

Shoes? In summer?

Sergeant, do you mean that these men
don't wear shoes in summer?

Well, sir, wouldn't that be sheer waste?

Shoes in summer, indeed.

Oh, isn't it wonderful to look at the
sparkle in these men's eyes, these proud

American soldiers, proud of the heritage
they... Gentlemen, let's say it out

loud. What is the American soldier?

The healthiest soldier in the world.

Right.

You heard that. The healthiest...
Paparelli, Paparelli, put yourself

Sergeant, what's wrong with that man?

Allegra. Allegra? We all have a touch of
it, but some of us are too proud to

give in to it. Hold on, Paparelli.
Sergeant, sometimes I... No, no,

Keep a hold of yourself, man. Remember,
tomorrow we get Kodowski's food package.

Food package? Yes.

Once a month we get a food package.

Kodowski, his relative, sent them from
Poland.

Our boys get food packages from Europe?

Well, sir, don't take that wrong. We
love what we get here.

Oh, believe me, you'll see that for
yourself. It's just that these packages

contain said little delicacies we're not
used to, like sugar, butter, powdered

eggs.

No, you've got that wrong. It'd be
Poland. See, we don't get the straw from

Poland. It disappoints me. Sergeant,
this is all very dramatic, if a bit

unbelievable.

Barefoot soldiers.

A fantastic story of a colonel's wife
who takes in enlisted men's washing.

You expect me to believe that?

Paparelli, Paparelli, hold on. Hold on,
Paparelli. What is it now?

Well, nothing, sir. It's just that
cigarette that's been mung since the

one. Paparelli, please.

And would you please be kind enough, if
you don't mind, blow a little smoke to

the men in the back row.

We'll see you in this platoon at share.

And share alike.

Thank you. Hold on. Hold on.
Unbelievable.

Well, Sergeant, shall we go on?

Get away. Get away.

Drop it. Drop it. Drop it.

Drop it. Drop it.

Quickly.

Now, you take that to the chaplain for
safe keep. Yes, sir. Thank you.

Come on.

You remember this for two. We share and
share alike. We'll each get a puff right

after retreat.

Remember that butt we found last month?
We all got a puff. Who had the last

puff? I did. Well, we start with you,
gentlemen. Remember that.

Put yourself together. Well, all right,
men. Time is running out. We've only got

three minutes left for the recreational
period.

Recreation? Ah, yes. I've heard of these
swimming pools, elaborate game rooms.

Oh, game. Oh, yes. We play games. We
have a game we love.

All right, men. Now, remember, we only
got three minutes left for fun time.

whose turn is it? My turn, Sarge. All
right. Go.

Tag, you're it. Come on, Paparelli.

Attaboy, Paparelli. Go right after him,
boy.

You mean the only game these boys play
is old -fashioned tag?

Oh, we play other games like run, sheep,
run, imagination, baseball.

Sergeant, I happen to know that even the
smallest army post has a movie theater.

Oh, so do we. We have a movie once a
month. Once a month? Yes, I know it

extravagant, but I heard rumors of other
camps that have talking pictures.

You have talking pictures?

Oh, yes, we love the silent pictures.
Last week we had the covered wagons.

Wasn't it fun? The Indians. Oh, it's
great. These are the pictures you see.

Oh, and don't we love them? We have a
Francis X. Bushman fan club right on the

post. Oh, yes.

All but enough talk about the gaiety of
soldiers. I know there's something else

you would like to join us in, and we'd
theme it an honor if you'd have chow

us, as we say in the army.

Excellent idea. We want to eat exactly
what you eat. And you will. And perhaps

can help you cook.

Oh, I've seen that fish. Was it the
police?

Look, I told you it smelled good. This
is our little place.

I do hope you enjoy it. Oh, and with a
great deal of pride, may we present our

champion mess sergeant, Sergeant Stanley
Suki.

He used to be with the Howard Johnsons.
Howard cried like a baby when he left

them.

Won't you come in? Thank you. Shall we?

I'm as hungry as a hound dog. Well,
that's good to hear. I do hope you

your appetites with you. And I hope
everybody likes frankfurters. Just like

old Arby day. I love them. Well,

I'll come.

Oh, I believe this one might be alive
yet.

And, my dear, I do hope you like the
outside cut.

There we have it.

All right, boys.

There you go.

All right, all right. Let's not have any
riots. There'll be enough for all of

you. Beans?

Please. How many?

How many?

Really?

These are our guests. What do you mean,
how many? You take as many as you want

to. Three or four, any amount you want.

Wait a minute. Son, tell me the truth.
Is this your usual meal?

It's no use, Zwicky.

He's too smart for us. I shall tell him
the truth.

No, sir.

This is our Christmas dinner.

What do you men get every day? Please,
not while they're eating. Please.

Oh, but we like what we get. At least we
don't have to pay for it. But the

office... Oh,

please, be seated, everyone. Thank you,
Colonel.

Pay no attention to me.

Have you those meat scraps and bones for
me, Sergeant? Oh, yes, sir.

Right here, sir.

Nice and fresh.

I hope you're seeing everything.

Oh, we certainly are.

Carry on.

So proud, so cheerful.

Yes, but it's wacky. That's the real
champion of all. You should see what she

makes out of those bones and scraps. The
most wonderful hash you could imagine.

Please, wait.

I've seen enough.

I'm going back to Washington
immediately.

I shan't rest until that military budget
is raised.

Men, I'm going to see that you all get
at least $10 a week.

Men, men, you have been the victim of
terrible rumors.

Oh, well, that's... Thank you so much,
Mr. Ford. We're very happy with... Hang

on, Paparelli. Hang on, boy.

Help is coming, boy.

All right, men. Dismissed. Remember,
this evening in my barracks for basket

weaving. Basket weaving?

Oh, yes. We have a little roadside thing
we have. The profits we put into

vitamin pills.

It helps. Sergeant, when is the first
plane out of here? I'll arrange

for you, sir, immediately.

Too bad you couldn't get those black
-eyed peas for the congressman. Oh,

this is Kansas.

There's the committee.

I must see how the roast is doing.

Come in.

Ah, Mrs. Colby and gentlemen.

What's this?

Take it. You don't have to say anything.

Just something to tide you over until we
get you that raise.

Tell your wife she's washed her last
pair of socks.

Well, I don't understand.

Dinner's ready.

I hope you like roast beef. Roast beef?

Do you have a dog?

What's the meaning of this? I don't
understand it. Oh, the things we heard

you from Sergeant Philco. Philco!

Now I understand.

Hey,

Sarge, you're a genius. Who else could
have done it,

huh? They come out here to cut the
budget and they wind up giving us a

How about it when the colonel walked in
for the bones?

Let me tell you something.

Now, Mr. Fortwright was no easy nut to
crack. But when he cracked, he... Excuse

me, sir. I thought you had left. So this
is the starving platoon.

Oh, well, don't misunderstand this. I'll
tell you what happened, sir.

Fort Croft has sent us a carrier pigeon
and we couldn't resist it, sir.

That's the leg of a carrier pigeon?

Well, you see, it's the new type for
long messages.

Don't let what you've seen here...
Caporelli, pull yourself together.

Sergeant Phil Cole?

You deceived us. Stop.

Just a minute.

And you say you're not a model? The way
you sashayed over... They've

had it and so have I.

Gentlemen,

I'm sorry that conditions on this post
were so misrepresented.

If you'll spend the night on the post, I
will show you around personally.

And you can see for yourselves just what
the true conditions are on this post.

Thank you. That's all we ask, Mrs.
Colby.

Will you spend the night at my house,
please? Thank you.

Congressman Pettigill and Mr.

Fortwright.

Colonel, if it could be possibly
arranged, I'd like to spend the night in

barracks. It's been so many years since
I've been in the army, I... Well, uh...

Colonel, please allow me to put up the
men in my room. In some small way,

perhaps I can repay for the despicable
way I've acted. I don't know what got

into me. Won't you join me? You'll love
it. It has a roulette wheel. We have

television. You'll love it.

Thank you, the rest of you men.

You'll go on with your business as you
do every day.

I want the committee to see the
recreation hall and the baseball field

everything else. That'll be all.

Come, Mr. Colby.

Oh, you certainly fixed us good. All
right, take it easy.

You were going to get us a raise.

Ten dollars a week more. I promised each
man ten dollars, didn't I? And I'm

going to come through with it. Let me
see.

There's 16 of us. That would come to
$160, right?

Sergeant, we're waiting.

Oh, yes, that wonderful game you
suggested. What was it? Oh, poker.

Poker. How did you say about jacks or
better to open? That's very intriguing.

But we ought to set a timeline on how
long we should play.

Let's play until somebody wins $160.

$160? Sounds like an all -night session.
It certainly does.

Well, it'll be fun. Whatever it is,
it'll be fun. How much money was that?

$160. All -night session.

They'll be in bed way before they know
it.

Mr.

Pettigill was played by Ralph Dunn.

Mr. Fortwright by Howard Freeman. Mrs.
Colby was played by Nina Ollivant.

The only channel that's funny on
purpose.