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Platoon!
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will bivouac in this area. Same as every
year. Same as every year, yes.
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But with one exception. This year, we'll
have Sergeant Bilko with us. Sergeant
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Bilko, that's the one you told me about,
sir? Yes, Sergeant Bilko.
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Sick call, Ernie.
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Once a year, the word bivouac brings on
a complaint that Major Donald... Now,
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Colonel, when a soldier comes in with a
strange ailment, I must put him in the
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hospital. Strange ailment. Look at his
record.
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Every year, a new disease.
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Rhinitis, oophitis, bovinitis,
bovinitis.
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It took you a week to find out it only
affected cows.
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Tonsillitis, twice.
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Once the hard way, without tonsils.
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I confess, Colonel, I'm helpless in
Bilbo's hand. I know. That's why I'm
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Captain Curtis to examine today.
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Was it the men called you at your last
medical post? Oh, I believe it was Iron
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Curtain Curtis, sir. Iron Curtain
Curtis? Yes, sir. They've really got to
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sick to get by me. Captain, if you let
Bilko get... Sir, you could consider
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Sergeant Bilko on bivouac.
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This platoon, that's you, led by
Sergeant E. Bilko, that's me, will leave
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0900 on foot, carrying full pack tents,
field equipment, and proceed 20 miles to
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bivouac area B, known locally as
Biddleman Swamp.
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If he hit!
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Anything else?
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Sick call.
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No. Here, here. Here.
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Hey.
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Hey, Chuck.
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You guys have been goofing off pretty
good eyes, right?
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Attention. Forward march. Nothing.
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Nothing. You're not on a ball at all.
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Come on, men. Let's get behind the
colonel and his glorious project of his
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turn us into hard -muscled, steely -eyed
American soldiers that we've admired so
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many times in the newsreels.
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Tear up.
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Dismissed.
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Put me on a sick list. I'll be in the
hospital in 15 minutes.
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Sarge, what's wrong?
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I'll soon find out. Get me my medical
book. Every year we go on bivouac, and
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every year you and the other master
sergeants check into the hospital for a
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of polka.
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Rocco, I'd love to join you guys in the
great outdoors, but I'm just not that
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type. I told that to my master, but they
wouldn't... Ah, here it is.
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Symptoms of rare tropical diseases.
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There it is, gentlemen. This is the key
way. The key way to gracious living.
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Ah, Miss Sergeant Sawicki, what
pinnacles of gastronomical delights are
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busy little hands fixing for us today?
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Chipped beef on toast.
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Yes, sir. And only you can make it, pal,
with the lumps in the right places.
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You do a great job, Stanley. Great job.
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You look a little tired, though. A
little peaked, you could use a little
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got news for you, Ernie.
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This year, we ain't going into the
hospital with you. Wait till you see the
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disease I picked out for you, pal. It's
a real grabber. You'll love it.
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Forget it, Ernie.
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Every year you come in here and try to
talk us into going to the hospital with
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you. You know, being locked up with you
in isolation is like being in a foxhole
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with a real fox.
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You ain't gonna get us.
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What's the disease?
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Major Dunn will really flip when he sees
you.
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Spiralitis.
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Spiralitis? Yeah, you show up on sick
call with your body twisted all the way
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around.
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Twisted around?
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It's a disease common with the natives
of Madagascar. You gotta stay out of the
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window, you get screwed into the ground.
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Get yourself another sucker. I've had
it. Now, you're not going to leave me in
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that isolation ward all by myself with
my Wilkinson's disease.
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Oh, that's what you got.
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Oh, it's perfect. The only symptoms are
pain in the chest, spotting from your
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eyes, and your right hand trembles. Oh,
it's great.
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I ain't going in with you. Oh, you'll
go. Hey, tell me.
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Isn't this huckleberry pie a little
sweet?
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It's blueberry pie.
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You taste that and tell me it's
blueberry pie.
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Blueberry.
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All those taste buds of yours. In
France, you'd be knighted.
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00:04:09,950 --> 00:04:13,030
Now, don't forget, when you come to the
hospital, bring a lot of fruit. We'll be
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in there a week. I ain't going, Ernie.
You'll be there. You'll be there. No.
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You'll be there. No. Oh, please, listen
to me. You'll be there, pal. Don't worry
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about it.
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No.
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The creeping Caledonian croup?
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Oh, it's great.
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I was going to take that one for myself,
but it's you, Andrew. It fits you.
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You'll be the talk of the malignant
disease set. I ain't going in with you.
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At least on the post, I'm free to run
when you flash a deck of cards. But what
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chance have I got cooped up with you in
an isolation ward? Look, when you show
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up in a major's office, bend over and
wheeze a lot. It'll be very effective.
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I'm not going in. Oh, you'll be, man.
Look, when you come to the hospital, be
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sure and bring your mambo records.
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Here, there's a new nurse. When she
hears the maracas, it goes out of her
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It's no use.
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It's no use. We took a vow. I'm not
going in with you this year. You'll be
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there. Look, I'm going now. Last one in
the hospital is a dirty thermometer.
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I'm not going to be there. Why do you
always fight me when I... Tell me, is
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blueberry pie or huckaberry pie?
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Blueberry. I guess you're right. Well,
see you at the hospital.
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Oh, no, I'm not going to the hospital. I
made up my mind. You'll be there, pal.
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I'm not.
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That's perfect. Perfect, pal. Major
Donald will swear that you've got
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poisoning. I never tasted rutabaga in my
life. You never?
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You'll have your picture on every
medical journal cover in the world.
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When you show up, be sure and bring your
record player, because Penland is
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bringing his mambo record. I told you,
you're going in without us this year.
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does everybody fight? Is this
huckleberry pie or blueberry pie?
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Blueberry. That's what I thought. See
you at the hospital.
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I'm not going in. You'll be there, pal.
I'm telling you, I'm not going in.
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Well, sir, Sergeant Bilko isn't here
yet.
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He'll be here. It's bivouac time.
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When he comes, don't forget.
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Don't worry, Colonel.
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Miss Swenson and I know every trick.
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He'll find out. that Captain Curtis and
I are running a hospital, not the
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hideaway for fakers.
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I think Bilko is in for a surprise.
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Yes? Bilko?
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He is.
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Send him right in. We were expecting
him.
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Do you mind if I stay? I've always
wanted to catch his act. It'll be a very
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short act, I can assure you, sir.
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Oh, excuse me. I was expecting Major
Donald.
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Bilko? Sir?
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This is Captain Curtis, one of our new
medical officers.
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He's making the examinations today.
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Captain, glad to have you aboard, sir.
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Colonel, you do have the happy knack of
surrounding yourself with excellent men.
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I always say John Hopkins' laws is our
game, Captain. Never mind.
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Watch your stand on socialized medicine.
Never mind!
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Is it over, Captain?
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Well, Sergeant, what is it this time?
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What?
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What's wrong this time? Wrong?
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Oh, I see what you're doing. You think
I'm here on sick call. I never felt
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better in my life, sir. You what?
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Of course, I just came here to check on
some of my men and see if they're trying
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to get out of Bivouac by pretending
they're sick. They're a great bunch of
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Captain, but they are rascals. They are
rascals.
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This is Sergeant Bilko.
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Bilko, you mean it's Bivouac time and
there's nothing wrong with you? No, sir,
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just a little quickening of the pulse,
thumping of the heart, anxious to get
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in those open spaces with my men,
digging those foxholes. Oh, sir, there's
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nothing like Bivouac. How do you know?
You've never been on one.
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Really, sir, that's unkind, just because
in the past I've been unfortunate
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enough to get these rare afflictions. I
know, I know.
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We shut off in 15 minutes. Yes, sir, and
I'm looking forward to it. Finally
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getting out on bit back, sir. Oh, this
is a dream come true.
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Never thought I'd make it, sir. Neither
did I.
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Ah, he's a grand man.
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A grand man, the colonel. They don't
make him like him anymore. You know, top
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man in his class at West Point. You do
that, didn't you, Captain?
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Sir, I see you're busy. If you'll just
sign these papers, I'll be off and join
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my men.
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What papers? Well, it just says that I'm
in perfect health to go on bit back.
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You'll sign it, sir. I'd appreciate it
very much. You want me to sign this?
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Well, you see, the men, they're...
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Gossipers, you know, they're afraid that
if I go on Bivak, I'll break down. They
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don't want the responsibility of
bringing a body home. You know that's
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false rumors. You'll just sign, assuming
all the responsibilities. Well, just a
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second. I mean, it's silly signing
anything if you're in perfect health.
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I was in any better health, I'd be on
all the recruiting posters.
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Nothing.
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Nothing at all, sir.
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Sometimes a little stick in there, it's
nothing at all. If you'll just sign, I'd
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appreciate it. Well, I don't like to
sign anything until I'm sure I know what
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I'm saying. Sir, it's just a mere
formality. If you'll just sign it.
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Yes, sir?
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Your hand, does it always shake like
that? Oh, no, no, sir. It's just an
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accident. I'm just a little tense. I'm
dying to get out in those open fields,
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toying my men on that dirt bike. In the
out... What is it, sonny?
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Nothing at all, sir.
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I take a deep breath and arrive... Are
you sure you're all right? Oh, sir, I'm
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in perfect health. You can... You can...
Excuse me, sir. I don't want to be
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impertinent, but is that a regulation
tie?
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Why, of course it is. With polka dots?
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Do you see polka dots?
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Aren't there any... It must be these
glasses. I must have them clean, sir. I
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00:08:43,830 --> 00:08:44,719
really must.
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00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:47,380
Now, wait a minute, Sergeant. Now, just
when we're in... Trembling hands, pain
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in the chest, spots before the eyes.
Now, what is that? It's nothing, sir.
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Believe me, I'm in perfect health. The
only bilbo so far who's never contracted
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a family curse of Wilkerson...
Wilkerson! No, sir!
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I didn't mean to say that. I heard an
old husband. Please, sir. Pay no
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to what you saw, sir.
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00:09:00,060 --> 00:09:01,780
It's not... It's on page 82, sir.
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00:09:06,020 --> 00:09:08,280
Wilkerson! Trembling hands. Sir, please.
Yes?
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Audley, there's an emergency.
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I'm putting you in isolation
immediately. The hospital. Oh, no, sir.
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00:09:12,340 --> 00:09:14,900
man to bed. Sir, won't you reconsider? I
want to join my men.
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What war, sir? Sir, please, don't... War
D, the same war.
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Put him in isolation.
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Sir, stand back.
194
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What's the matter with you men?
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Don't you realize that Wilkinson's
disease is the most contagious ever
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00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:29,060
medical science? Good heavens, I almost
forgot. Sir, please forget... There's
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00:09:29,060 --> 00:09:32,760
luggage in the hall. Don't you stand
there. My luggage... Sir, won't you...
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00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:34,200
Wilco, who are you in contact with
today?
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00:09:34,700 --> 00:09:36,300
Sir, I'm no stool pigeon. My lips are
sealed.
200
00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:38,780
Bilko, we've got to round up those men
and put them in the same ward with you
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00:09:38,780 --> 00:09:41,240
for the health of this whole post. Now,
who are they? Well, if you put it that
202
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way, sir, I did share the same piece of
pie with Peter. Same piece of pie?
203
00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:46,980
Now, what were those fellows' names?
There's so many men on the post.
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Oh, yes, I believe it was Sergeant
Sawicki, Pendleton, and Grover. But,
205
00:09:52,240 --> 00:09:54,020
please, I never felt better.
206
00:09:54,920 --> 00:09:59,540
I'm in perfect health. Hey, are these
your things? Be careful with that
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00:09:59,580 --> 00:10:01,180
There's some egg rolls there. I don't
want it squashed.
208
00:10:01,900 --> 00:10:02,900
Yes,
209
00:10:03,180 --> 00:10:04,180
I know.
210
00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:06,580
Look. There goes Bilko's platoon.
211
00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:09,180
This is the site I've been waiting for.
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00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:10,880
Bilko leading his men.
213
00:10:12,180 --> 00:10:13,180
Where is he?
214
00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:19,700
Maybe he's behind them. Oh, didn't you
hear, sir? Hear what? Oh, it's tragic.
215
00:10:20,180 --> 00:10:23,760
Oh, don't tell me. Yes, sir. He's in the
hospital. Captain Curtis says it's one
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of the rarest diseases.
217
00:10:24,860 --> 00:10:25,860
Stop the bivouac.
218
00:10:26,080 --> 00:10:29,600
Stop the bivouac? Stop the bivouac. This
outfit doesn't go out without Bilko.
219
00:10:29,780 --> 00:10:30,780
Yes, sir.
220
00:10:30,900 --> 00:10:32,280
He's not getting away with it.
221
00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:37,080
All right, this is it, men. Unpack the
luggage. I'll tell you where everything
222
00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:39,940
goes. Oh, Martin built those bags. Back
again.
223
00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:42,060
Can a moth stay away from the flame?
224
00:10:42,680 --> 00:10:43,680
Hello.
225
00:10:44,140 --> 00:10:45,140
Give me the diet kitchen.
226
00:10:45,620 --> 00:10:46,620
Hello. Mrs.
227
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:47,880
Dombrowski. Yes,
228
00:10:49,300 --> 00:10:52,060
it's Ernie. She remembers me. What else
do you remember, dear?
229
00:10:52,460 --> 00:10:55,740
Yes, the steaks. Blood rare. That's a
good girl. I'm not clean of this year.
230
00:10:55,900 --> 00:10:57,580
With the goulash, go out of your mind.
Yes,
231
00:10:59,020 --> 00:11:01,000
I love you, too, you passionate poor
boy.
232
00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:03,100
All right, sweetheart.
233
00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:05,480
Wonderful girl if she could only cook.
234
00:11:06,640 --> 00:11:07,179
Please,
235
00:11:07,180 --> 00:11:24,780
you'll
236
00:11:24,780 --> 00:11:26,000
have to wait your turn. Come on,
darling.
237
00:11:26,840 --> 00:11:30,820
May I ask what's going on here? May I
ask what you're doing here when I didn't
238
00:11:30,820 --> 00:11:31,820
ring for you?
239
00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:32,779
for me.
240
00:11:32,780 --> 00:11:34,380
This is Miss Swenson, the head nurse.
241
00:11:34,580 --> 00:11:35,700
Nurses, get back to your duties.
242
00:11:36,260 --> 00:11:39,780
Miss Swenson, a thousand pardons. And
here I've been waiting to meet you all
243
00:11:39,780 --> 00:11:41,320
day. What's going on here?
244
00:11:41,540 --> 00:11:42,680
I order you. Stop.
245
00:11:43,340 --> 00:11:46,340
Stop. Would you say that again the way
you just said it? I order you to say
246
00:11:46,340 --> 00:11:46,959
again, please.
247
00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:50,060
I order you to? No, no, say it with the
same flash, the same fire you said it
248
00:11:50,060 --> 00:11:51,060
with originally. Say it, please.
249
00:11:51,300 --> 00:11:52,760
I order you to? Do you see it?
250
00:11:53,120 --> 00:11:54,700
Do you see the same incredible
interpretation?
251
00:11:55,060 --> 00:11:56,240
Garbo. Garbo?
252
00:11:56,460 --> 00:11:59,220
You saw her, too. You noticed it, didn't
you? What are you talking about? Oh,
253
00:11:59,220 --> 00:12:02,040
you know what I'm talking about. The
same bone structure, the same fire, the
254
00:12:02,040 --> 00:12:04,840
same inner beauty. But then again, Garbo
was Swedish.
255
00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:06,120
I'm Swedish?
256
00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:07,620
Oh, no, please don't drive me mad.
257
00:12:08,060 --> 00:12:09,060
Don't, please.
258
00:12:09,500 --> 00:12:13,000
It can't be. It can't be that same happy
coincidence you... Well, the bone
259
00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:15,060
structure there, it's Garbo. Look, we
won't say a word.
260
00:12:15,340 --> 00:12:17,400
What was your stage name? Just tell us,
please.
261
00:12:17,950 --> 00:12:19,230
What nonsense are you talking?
262
00:12:19,570 --> 00:12:22,310
Oh, you know what I'm talking about.
Just tell us what plays you've been in.
263
00:12:22,310 --> 00:12:24,210
live such a drab life. We love you
people at the theater.
264
00:12:25,030 --> 00:12:26,490
I was never on the stage.
265
00:12:26,950 --> 00:12:27,950
He's crazy.
266
00:12:28,770 --> 00:12:32,170
Yes, I'm crazy. Crazy to think for a
moment this talent, this fire could have
267
00:12:32,170 --> 00:12:33,170
been hidden for so long.
268
00:12:33,410 --> 00:12:36,110
You're exquisite. That's what you are.
Tell us your stage name. Come, please.
269
00:12:36,370 --> 00:12:39,230
Well, in nurse's school, we did have a
dramatic class.
270
00:12:39,490 --> 00:12:42,010
Huh? Huh? I see things. Did I notice it
right away?
271
00:12:42,270 --> 00:12:43,470
It was there all the time.
272
00:12:43,830 --> 00:12:47,550
We did Peter Pan. Peter, oh, I could
just see you flying through the air.
273
00:12:48,650 --> 00:12:49,950
I played the dog.
274
00:12:50,230 --> 00:12:51,230
The dog?
275
00:12:51,250 --> 00:12:54,190
Well, that producer should be
horsewhipped. Anybody that would take
276
00:12:54,190 --> 00:12:55,910
talent... Oh!
277
00:12:56,570 --> 00:12:57,469
What's wrong?
278
00:12:57,470 --> 00:12:59,610
Please, please forgive this ecstasy,
but...
279
00:13:00,030 --> 00:13:02,890
I just became conscious of your hands.
My hands?
280
00:13:03,130 --> 00:13:05,730
There's something about Swedish women,
gentlemen. Their hands, they tell you a
281
00:13:05,730 --> 00:13:09,070
story. There's an electricity in them
that... Oh, it's just overwhelming.
282
00:13:09,290 --> 00:13:11,790
Oh, don't tell me you never gave a
massage before in your life.
283
00:13:12,210 --> 00:13:15,050
Well, it was a natural fact when I first
came to New York. Oh, of course, I knew
284
00:13:15,050 --> 00:13:15,809
it right away.
285
00:13:15,810 --> 00:13:18,810
It's magic in their hands. Just against
the grain, dear. Not too hard.
286
00:13:20,030 --> 00:13:21,510
Oh, it's heaven.
287
00:13:21,750 --> 00:13:23,050
It's heaven. That's what it is.
288
00:13:26,629 --> 00:13:30,050
Hilda, gently, Hilda. Hilda, gently.
You're ruining my clavicle. Gently,
289
00:13:30,510 --> 00:13:33,730
And then she says to me, look, he bought
a goat. Fine. But how did you get a
290
00:13:33,730 --> 00:13:35,310
goat that looks just like the colonel?
291
00:13:36,750 --> 00:13:38,770
Oh, wait, it gets better.
292
00:13:39,670 --> 00:13:40,670
Oh,
293
00:13:42,150 --> 00:13:45,210
sir, I need some more oxygen. Quiet, on
your feet. On your feet.
294
00:13:45,470 --> 00:13:46,630
Miss Winston, what's going on here?
295
00:13:46,850 --> 00:13:49,370
Well, Ernie here complained... She was
kind enough. Now you keep quiet.
296
00:13:49,770 --> 00:13:50,770
Miss Winston, come with me.
297
00:13:50,990 --> 00:13:53,090
I know where we left off, dear. I'll
tell you later. Miss Winston!
298
00:13:53,980 --> 00:13:56,740
Colonel, it's nice of you to get some
fruit for the colonel. Fruit! Never
299
00:13:56,840 --> 00:13:57,840
Bilko.
300
00:13:58,000 --> 00:14:01,280
Pardon me for breaking in like this. I
know you didn't ring for me. Oh, sir,
301
00:14:01,580 --> 00:14:05,420
please. Be free to come here whenever
you want, won't you please? Thank you,
302
00:14:05,420 --> 00:14:09,180
Bilko. I know how you miss not being out
there leading your men.
303
00:14:09,500 --> 00:14:12,360
Sir, if they hadn't hidden my clothes,
I'd tear through these walls, sir.
304
00:14:12,580 --> 00:14:17,780
Ah, Sergeant Sawicki, Pendleton, and
Grover. Hail, hail, the gang's all here.
305
00:14:17,860 --> 00:14:18,860
How about that? Hail!
306
00:14:26,540 --> 00:14:30,220
The past eight years, I've been laboring
under the delusion that I run this
307
00:14:30,220 --> 00:14:31,900
post. It's time to face facts.
308
00:14:32,260 --> 00:14:34,740
You, Sergeant Bilko, you run this post.
309
00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:36,920
Oh, sir, I couldn't do it without your
cooperation.
310
00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:40,560
I give you my word, sir, you're a
peerless leader.
311
00:14:41,040 --> 00:14:45,800
I am a stooge. No, sir, don't say that.
But from now on, the joyride is over.
312
00:14:46,740 --> 00:14:47,740
Private.
313
00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:49,720
Twelve years of suffering.
314
00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:52,260
Twelve years of finagling and goofing
off.
315
00:14:52,830 --> 00:14:56,170
And you're going to get out there on
that bivouac. But, sir, regulations.
316
00:14:57,290 --> 00:14:58,290
Regulations?
317
00:14:58,670 --> 00:15:00,950
Regulations? Look who's talking about
regulations.
318
00:15:06,910 --> 00:15:08,550
Tactic Boba Fatalis.
319
00:15:08,770 --> 00:15:10,110
Mm -hmm. We'll use that one.
320
00:15:10,550 --> 00:15:14,010
But, Captain, it's against all
regulations. I know. That's why only the
321
00:15:14,010 --> 00:15:17,110
us must know about it. He's made a fool
of us, Miss Swenson. Now, two can play
322
00:15:17,110 --> 00:15:17,959
at that game.
323
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:20,720
We're going to throw a scare into
Sergeant Bilko that's going to keep him
324
00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:23,000
sick call for the rest of his life.
Where's the overseas record?
325
00:15:23,220 --> 00:15:26,820
Here. To think I let him fool me into
getting him... Quiet.
326
00:15:27,540 --> 00:15:28,519
Let's see.
327
00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:31,560
Stationed in New Guinea in the
settlement of Govici.
328
00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:33,420
Come along, Miss Spencer.
329
00:15:34,540 --> 00:15:37,140
What is this? What is this? Somebody
would think I was sick or something.
330
00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:40,320
Sergeant, all we know is you were just
put on the critical list. Critical list.
331
00:15:40,820 --> 00:15:43,440
I knew I overdid it. I'm the victim of
my own talents.
332
00:15:44,060 --> 00:15:45,180
Under the 081.
333
00:15:45,660 --> 00:15:46,660
He's ready.
334
00:15:47,439 --> 00:15:51,680
Under the N... Hello, Captain. Join us.
Bingo. It's only ten cents a cup. All
335
00:15:51,680 --> 00:15:54,140
right? Now, Sergeant Bilko, just relax.
Relax.
336
00:15:54,860 --> 00:15:56,980
Miss Swinson, I'm sure this X -ray must
be wrong.
337
00:15:57,240 --> 00:15:58,240
X -ray?
338
00:15:58,260 --> 00:16:01,660
Let me fess up to you, Captain, so I can
tell you... Now, please, Sergeant.
339
00:16:01,680 --> 00:16:02,680
Please.
340
00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:06,240
Hmm.
341
00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:07,579
Is that a sign?
342
00:16:07,580 --> 00:16:10,240
Well, we'll have to make some more
tests. Look, look, look, Captain. Before
343
00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:11,520
go out on a limb, I'd better confess.
344
00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:13,680
I never had Wilkerson's disease.
345
00:16:14,020 --> 00:16:15,560
We know that, Sergeant. We know that.
346
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:18,860
The x -rays prove you haven't
Wilkerson's disease, but thank heavens
347
00:16:18,860 --> 00:16:21,020
that x -ray and found out. Found out
what?
348
00:16:21,220 --> 00:16:24,980
Now, don't get alarmed, Sergeant. No
case of Cactobulba fatalis has ever been
349
00:16:24,980 --> 00:16:26,040
reported in this country before.
350
00:16:26,420 --> 00:16:27,640
Cactobulba fatalis? What is that?
351
00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:30,400
It's a tropical disease, 100 % fatal.
352
00:16:30,700 --> 00:16:36,520
100 % fatal? Now, Sergeant, you couldn't
possibly have Cactobulba fatalis. Well,
353
00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:40,860
thanks. Now, you see, the disease is
confined to the island of New Guinea, so
354
00:16:40,860 --> 00:16:41,880
how could you possibly have it?
355
00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:43,080
New Guinea?
356
00:16:43,230 --> 00:16:44,870
I was stationed in New Guinea during the
war.
357
00:16:45,090 --> 00:16:45,489
You were?
358
00:16:45,490 --> 00:16:49,490
Yes. Oh, no, it couldn't be. You see,
this disease occurs only in a tiny
359
00:16:49,490 --> 00:16:51,690
settlement called Gubichi, so...
Gubichi!
360
00:16:52,010 --> 00:16:54,970
I was there for 18... You know I was...
Yes, sir.
361
00:16:55,210 --> 00:16:58,470
Miss Swenson, alert the Walter Reed
Tropical Disease Lab immediately. Tell
362
00:16:58,470 --> 00:17:00,290
we've isolated Pat de Bulba Fatalis.
363
00:17:00,630 --> 00:17:03,250
Sir, Fatalis... Miss Swenson, you'd
better send it in court or it's going to
364
00:17:03,250 --> 00:17:04,029
panic the country.
365
00:17:04,030 --> 00:17:06,490
Sir, the... Now, Sergeant, you're going
to be all right.
366
00:17:06,730 --> 00:17:09,170
Miss Swenson, alert the chaplain. The
chaplain...
367
00:17:11,530 --> 00:17:13,349
Hope won't be the same without Bilko.
368
00:17:15,490 --> 00:17:16,490
Where's Hampton Curtis?
369
00:17:16,750 --> 00:17:20,190
He's at Sergeant Bilko's side, sir.
Well, he won't be for long. I have an
370
00:17:20,190 --> 00:17:23,650
here from Major Donald stating that
Bilko is perfectly fit to go on bid
371
00:17:24,030 --> 00:17:25,390
That phony faker.
372
00:17:25,770 --> 00:17:27,250
He spent his last day in this hospital.
373
00:17:27,450 --> 00:17:28,450
His last day?
374
00:17:30,110 --> 00:17:30,989
What's wrong?
375
00:17:30,990 --> 00:17:34,970
Sir, that phony faker, as you call him,
is at death's door.
376
00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:38,890
I didn't know.
377
00:17:48,460 --> 00:17:49,460
I didn't know.
378
00:17:52,380 --> 00:17:53,380
Come in.
379
00:17:58,140 --> 00:18:03,700
Am I too late?
380
00:18:04,020 --> 00:18:06,760
Sir, I'd like to speak to you for a
moment. I know all about it, please.
381
00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:09,100
Leave me alone with the boy. Sir, I'd
like to explain... Please, that's an
382
00:18:09,100 --> 00:18:10,300
order. Yes, sir.
383
00:18:17,970 --> 00:18:19,550
Oh, no, Bilko, you don't have to salute.
384
00:18:22,950 --> 00:18:23,950
Well,
385
00:18:25,850 --> 00:18:28,650
sir, I sure got off bivouac, didn't I?
Pretty vices.
386
00:18:29,250 --> 00:18:30,250
Mumble it.
387
00:18:30,630 --> 00:18:33,370
Don't worry, don't worry. You'll be out
of here in no time. You're going to be
388
00:18:33,370 --> 00:18:33,989
all right.
389
00:18:33,990 --> 00:18:35,290
No use, Colonel, I know.
390
00:18:35,490 --> 00:18:38,130
I've been ordered to that big bivouac up
yonder.
391
00:18:43,170 --> 00:18:44,170
Bilko,
392
00:18:44,370 --> 00:18:46,570
here are your stripes back.
393
00:18:48,170 --> 00:18:49,069
Thank you, sir.
394
00:18:49,070 --> 00:18:50,410
Master Sergeant Bilko.
395
00:18:50,790 --> 00:18:55,650
You will see that I'm wearing these when
they... With full military honors.
396
00:18:56,770 --> 00:18:58,050
I mean, you're going to be all right.
397
00:18:58,790 --> 00:19:02,310
Full military honors. I don't deserve
it, sir. I've been a bad soldier.
398
00:19:03,190 --> 00:19:04,190
No, Bilko.
399
00:19:04,670 --> 00:19:06,070
You've been a good soldier.
400
00:19:06,350 --> 00:19:09,790
It was a pleasure to inspect your
barracks. They were the cleanest on the
401
00:19:10,110 --> 00:19:12,690
Colonel, I have to confess, I can't have
it on my conscience.
402
00:19:13,030 --> 00:19:14,970
Those weren't my barracks you inspected.
403
00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:17,400
I always led you to the barracks next
door.
404
00:19:19,900 --> 00:19:20,900
Sir,
405
00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:25,260
I don't blame you for being angry.
You're a great military leader, sir.
406
00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:27,080
Great military leader.
407
00:19:27,420 --> 00:19:28,420
Wilco.
408
00:19:29,180 --> 00:19:30,540
I must confess, sir.
409
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:34,960
You know all that talk about me being
top man in my class at West Point?
410
00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:36,600
Weren't you, sir?
411
00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:39,000
They call me Melonhead.
412
00:19:39,300 --> 00:19:40,300
Melonhead?
413
00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:45,680
You must carry that secret with you to
your grave.
414
00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:47,440
I mean, you're going to be all right.
415
00:19:48,340 --> 00:19:51,460
Colonel, the captain has something very
important to tell you.
416
00:19:53,220 --> 00:19:54,360
I'll be right back, Milko.
417
00:19:56,100 --> 00:19:59,900
I will be with you right to the flat. I
mean, you're going to be all right.
418
00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:05,440
And I'm going to give you a leave for
one month.
419
00:20:05,860 --> 00:20:06,839
That's a promise.
420
00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:12,040
Sir, if I can ever get out of here, I'll
take a bivouac for a month. That's a
421
00:20:12,040 --> 00:20:15,030
promise. Colonel, the captain must speak
to you. Coming.
422
00:20:29,030 --> 00:20:30,950
Hilda? Hilda, is that you, Hilda?
423
00:20:31,870 --> 00:20:36,490
Well, little Peter Pan, I'll soon be in
Never Never Land.
424
00:20:37,870 --> 00:20:40,490
I can't stand it! It's not your fault.
425
00:20:45,010 --> 00:20:48,470
I'm... It was a trick. You're very
healthy. We didn't scare you.
426
00:20:49,230 --> 00:20:52,070
Are you kidding me? You and Captain...
It's a gag?
427
00:20:52,510 --> 00:20:53,329
I'm all right?
428
00:20:53,330 --> 00:20:56,030
Yes. I can get on my feet again? Back to
the mumbo.
429
00:20:57,070 --> 00:20:59,010
And the colonel promised me a month
furlough.
430
00:20:59,290 --> 00:21:00,289
Wait a minute.
431
00:21:00,290 --> 00:21:02,090
I promised him I'd do a month on
bivouac.
432
00:21:02,470 --> 00:21:04,910
Does the colonel know about this? No.
Get me back in bed. Don't tell him
433
00:21:04,910 --> 00:21:06,110
anything. I've got to get out of this
promise.
434
00:21:06,530 --> 00:21:08,090
Held down depending on here. Give me
that.
435
00:21:23,950 --> 00:21:25,930
It's getting darker, sir. Dark.
436
00:21:26,870 --> 00:21:27,870
Hang on.
437
00:21:32,490 --> 00:21:33,490
I know.
438
00:21:34,430 --> 00:21:39,790
I made a promise that... After you, sir.
No, you go ahead, Bickle. Well, sir, I
439
00:21:39,790 --> 00:21:43,610
made a promise to go out on bivouac,
but, sir, I just realized on my
440
00:21:43,790 --> 00:21:46,070
I don't... You don't live to go on
bivouac. I know.
441
00:21:46,310 --> 00:21:49,030
You promised. But, sir, my condition, I
don't... Oh, no.
442
00:21:49,290 --> 00:21:53,290
Ernie, it occurs to me that I mentioned
something...
443
00:21:54,050 --> 00:21:55,230
Rather personal to you.
444
00:21:55,490 --> 00:21:57,070
You mean about Melonhead, sir?
445
00:21:58,970 --> 00:22:05,030
If you promise not to reveal that, will
you promise to take me off bivouac, sir?
446
00:22:05,190 --> 00:22:08,310
I didn't say that. But, sir, if you want
to make a deal... I'm not making any
447
00:22:08,310 --> 00:22:12,150
deal! Sir, please, you're yelling at me.
My condition... I know your condition.
448
00:22:12,170 --> 00:22:14,450
You're as healthy as a horse. And you're
going on bivouac.
449
00:22:14,770 --> 00:22:16,710
M .P.! Sir, this shattered body.
450
00:22:16,930 --> 00:22:20,330
You can't... Take this shattered body
and get it out on bivouac. Sir, won't
451
00:22:20,330 --> 00:22:21,410
you... M .H.!
452
00:22:21,730 --> 00:22:22,730
M .H.! Don't you dare!
453
00:22:27,439 --> 00:22:30,100
Captain Curtis by Arthur Storch.
454
00:22:31,480 --> 00:22:33,280
Money on purpose.
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