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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,000 Platoon! 2 00:00:29,660 --> 00:00:33,160 will bivouac in this area. Same as every year. Same as every year, yes. 3 00:00:33,620 --> 00:00:37,700 But with one exception. This year, we'll have Sergeant Bilko with us. Sergeant 4 00:00:37,700 --> 00:00:40,220 Bilko, that's the one you told me about, sir? Yes, Sergeant Bilko. 5 00:00:40,420 --> 00:00:41,420 Sick call, Ernie. 6 00:00:42,260 --> 00:00:48,100 Once a year, the word bivouac brings on a complaint that Major Donald... Now, 7 00:00:48,100 --> 00:00:51,700 Colonel, when a soldier comes in with a strange ailment, I must put him in the 8 00:00:51,700 --> 00:00:53,560 hospital. Strange ailment. Look at his record. 9 00:00:54,030 --> 00:00:55,090 Every year, a new disease. 10 00:00:56,370 --> 00:00:59,230 Rhinitis, oophitis, bovinitis, bovinitis. 11 00:00:59,470 --> 00:01:01,770 It took you a week to find out it only affected cows. 12 00:01:05,930 --> 00:01:06,930 Tonsillitis, twice. 13 00:01:07,170 --> 00:01:09,070 Once the hard way, without tonsils. 14 00:01:11,050 --> 00:01:16,150 I confess, Colonel, I'm helpless in Bilbo's hand. I know. That's why I'm 15 00:01:16,150 --> 00:01:17,910 Captain Curtis to examine today. 16 00:01:18,670 --> 00:01:22,370 Was it the men called you at your last medical post? Oh, I believe it was Iron 17 00:01:22,370 --> 00:01:25,870 Curtain Curtis, sir. Iron Curtain Curtis? Yes, sir. They've really got to 18 00:01:25,870 --> 00:01:29,450 sick to get by me. Captain, if you let Bilko get... Sir, you could consider 19 00:01:29,450 --> 00:01:30,950 Sergeant Bilko on bivouac. 20 00:01:32,450 --> 00:01:35,930 This platoon, that's you, led by Sergeant E. Bilko, that's me, will leave 21 00:01:35,930 --> 00:01:40,510 0900 on foot, carrying full pack tents, field equipment, and proceed 20 miles to 22 00:01:40,510 --> 00:01:43,670 bivouac area B, known locally as Biddleman Swamp. 23 00:01:44,070 --> 00:01:45,070 If he hit! 24 00:01:45,530 --> 00:01:46,530 Anything else? 25 00:01:46,560 --> 00:01:47,458 Sick call. 26 00:01:47,460 --> 00:01:48,920 No. Here, here. Here. 27 00:01:50,160 --> 00:01:51,160 Hey. 28 00:01:51,620 --> 00:01:52,620 Hey, Chuck. 29 00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:55,340 You guys have been goofing off pretty good eyes, right? 30 00:01:55,540 --> 00:01:57,340 Attention. Forward march. Nothing. 31 00:01:57,760 --> 00:01:59,200 Nothing. You're not on a ball at all. 32 00:01:59,460 --> 00:02:02,960 Come on, men. Let's get behind the colonel and his glorious project of his 33 00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:06,540 turn us into hard -muscled, steely -eyed American soldiers that we've admired so 34 00:02:06,540 --> 00:02:07,680 many times in the newsreels. 35 00:02:08,199 --> 00:02:09,300 Tear up. 36 00:02:10,479 --> 00:02:11,480 Dismissed. 37 00:02:11,860 --> 00:02:14,320 Put me on a sick list. I'll be in the hospital in 15 minutes. 38 00:02:16,880 --> 00:02:17,880 Sarge, what's wrong? 39 00:02:17,920 --> 00:02:21,420 I'll soon find out. Get me my medical book. Every year we go on bivouac, and 40 00:02:21,420 --> 00:02:24,160 every year you and the other master sergeants check into the hospital for a 41 00:02:24,160 --> 00:02:25,119 of polka. 42 00:02:25,120 --> 00:02:27,980 Rocco, I'd love to join you guys in the great outdoors, but I'm just not that 43 00:02:27,980 --> 00:02:30,520 type. I told that to my master, but they wouldn't... Ah, here it is. 44 00:02:31,980 --> 00:02:33,560 Symptoms of rare tropical diseases. 45 00:02:34,760 --> 00:02:38,000 There it is, gentlemen. This is the key way. The key way to gracious living. 46 00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:43,960 Ah, Miss Sergeant Sawicki, what pinnacles of gastronomical delights are 47 00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:45,520 busy little hands fixing for us today? 48 00:02:46,190 --> 00:02:47,290 Chipped beef on toast. 49 00:02:49,230 --> 00:02:52,830 Yes, sir. And only you can make it, pal, with the lumps in the right places. 50 00:02:53,110 --> 00:02:54,950 You do a great job, Stanley. Great job. 51 00:02:55,290 --> 00:02:57,890 You look a little tired, though. A little peaked, you could use a little 52 00:02:57,890 --> 00:02:58,930 got news for you, Ernie. 53 00:02:59,370 --> 00:03:02,390 This year, we ain't going into the hospital with you. Wait till you see the 54 00:03:02,390 --> 00:03:05,170 disease I picked out for you, pal. It's a real grabber. You'll love it. 55 00:03:05,810 --> 00:03:06,910 Forget it, Ernie. 56 00:03:07,940 --> 00:03:11,220 Every year you come in here and try to talk us into going to the hospital with 57 00:03:11,220 --> 00:03:15,300 you. You know, being locked up with you in isolation is like being in a foxhole 58 00:03:15,300 --> 00:03:16,300 with a real fox. 59 00:03:16,920 --> 00:03:18,220 You ain't gonna get us. 60 00:03:20,480 --> 00:03:21,480 What's the disease? 61 00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:23,560 Major Dunn will really flip when he sees you. 62 00:03:24,300 --> 00:03:25,300 Spiralitis. 63 00:03:25,500 --> 00:03:28,360 Spiralitis? Yeah, you show up on sick call with your body twisted all the way 64 00:03:28,360 --> 00:03:29,299 around. 65 00:03:29,300 --> 00:03:30,300 Twisted around? 66 00:03:30,380 --> 00:03:33,920 It's a disease common with the natives of Madagascar. You gotta stay out of the 67 00:03:33,920 --> 00:03:35,280 window, you get screwed into the ground. 68 00:03:40,820 --> 00:03:44,080 Get yourself another sucker. I've had it. Now, you're not going to leave me in 69 00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:47,100 that isolation ward all by myself with my Wilkinson's disease. 70 00:03:47,520 --> 00:03:48,920 Oh, that's what you got. 71 00:03:49,140 --> 00:03:51,800 Oh, it's perfect. The only symptoms are pain in the chest, spotting from your 72 00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:53,680 eyes, and your right hand trembles. Oh, it's great. 73 00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:56,320 I ain't going in with you. Oh, you'll go. Hey, tell me. 74 00:03:56,840 --> 00:03:58,280 Isn't this huckleberry pie a little sweet? 75 00:03:58,500 --> 00:03:59,600 It's blueberry pie. 76 00:04:00,160 --> 00:04:02,000 You taste that and tell me it's blueberry pie. 77 00:04:03,920 --> 00:04:04,920 Blueberry. 78 00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:08,040 All those taste buds of yours. In France, you'd be knighted. 79 00:04:09,950 --> 00:04:13,030 Now, don't forget, when you come to the hospital, bring a lot of fruit. We'll be 80 00:04:13,030 --> 00:04:16,310 in there a week. I ain't going, Ernie. You'll be there. You'll be there. No. 81 00:04:16,589 --> 00:04:19,990 You'll be there. No. Oh, please, listen to me. You'll be there, pal. Don't worry 82 00:04:19,990 --> 00:04:20,589 about it. 83 00:04:20,589 --> 00:04:21,589 No. 84 00:04:22,390 --> 00:04:24,970 The creeping Caledonian croup? 85 00:04:25,210 --> 00:04:26,210 Oh, it's great. 86 00:04:26,250 --> 00:04:29,570 I was going to take that one for myself, but it's you, Andrew. It fits you. 87 00:04:29,750 --> 00:04:32,790 You'll be the talk of the malignant disease set. I ain't going in with you. 88 00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:36,860 At least on the post, I'm free to run when you flash a deck of cards. But what 89 00:04:36,860 --> 00:04:39,620 chance have I got cooped up with you in an isolation ward? Look, when you show 90 00:04:39,620 --> 00:04:42,900 up in a major's office, bend over and wheeze a lot. It'll be very effective. 91 00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:46,000 I'm not going in. Oh, you'll be, man. Look, when you come to the hospital, be 92 00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:47,060 sure and bring your mambo records. 93 00:04:47,840 --> 00:04:50,480 Here, there's a new nurse. When she hears the maracas, it goes out of her 94 00:04:53,100 --> 00:04:54,100 It's no use. 95 00:04:54,620 --> 00:04:58,160 It's no use. We took a vow. I'm not going in with you this year. You'll be 96 00:04:58,160 --> 00:05:00,860 there. Look, I'm going now. Last one in the hospital is a dirty thermometer. 97 00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:06,520 I'm not going to be there. Why do you always fight me when I... Tell me, is 98 00:05:06,520 --> 00:05:07,720 blueberry pie or huckaberry pie? 99 00:05:09,260 --> 00:05:11,480 Blueberry. I guess you're right. Well, see you at the hospital. 100 00:05:11,740 --> 00:05:15,140 Oh, no, I'm not going to the hospital. I made up my mind. You'll be there, pal. 101 00:05:15,300 --> 00:05:16,300 I'm not. 102 00:05:19,340 --> 00:05:22,720 That's perfect. Perfect, pal. Major Donald will swear that you've got 103 00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:25,400 poisoning. I never tasted rutabaga in my life. You never? 104 00:05:25,980 --> 00:05:28,680 You'll have your picture on every medical journal cover in the world. 105 00:05:29,820 --> 00:05:32,220 When you show up, be sure and bring your record player, because Penland is 106 00:05:32,220 --> 00:05:35,080 bringing his mambo record. I told you, you're going in without us this year. 107 00:05:35,080 --> 00:05:39,520 does everybody fight? Is this huckleberry pie or blueberry pie? 108 00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:42,800 Blueberry. That's what I thought. See you at the hospital. 109 00:05:43,060 --> 00:05:46,800 I'm not going in. You'll be there, pal. I'm telling you, I'm not going in. 110 00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:50,580 Well, sir, Sergeant Bilko isn't here yet. 111 00:05:51,180 --> 00:05:52,660 He'll be here. It's bivouac time. 112 00:05:53,040 --> 00:05:54,260 When he comes, don't forget. 113 00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:55,480 Don't worry, Colonel. 114 00:05:55,920 --> 00:05:57,660 Miss Swenson and I know every trick. 115 00:05:57,980 --> 00:06:01,260 He'll find out. that Captain Curtis and I are running a hospital, not the 116 00:06:01,260 --> 00:06:02,340 hideaway for fakers. 117 00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:04,880 I think Bilko is in for a surprise. 118 00:06:07,140 --> 00:06:08,220 Yes? Bilko? 119 00:06:08,660 --> 00:06:09,660 He is. 120 00:06:09,820 --> 00:06:11,580 Send him right in. We were expecting him. 121 00:06:12,060 --> 00:06:15,040 Do you mind if I stay? I've always wanted to catch his act. It'll be a very 122 00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:16,400 short act, I can assure you, sir. 123 00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:21,800 Oh, excuse me. I was expecting Major Donald. 124 00:06:22,020 --> 00:06:23,020 Bilko? Sir? 125 00:06:23,780 --> 00:06:25,980 This is Captain Curtis, one of our new medical officers. 126 00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:27,800 He's making the examinations today. 127 00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:29,620 Captain, glad to have you aboard, sir. 128 00:06:30,040 --> 00:06:32,920 Colonel, you do have the happy knack of surrounding yourself with excellent men. 129 00:06:33,120 --> 00:06:35,820 I always say John Hopkins' laws is our game, Captain. Never mind. 130 00:06:36,080 --> 00:06:38,180 Watch your stand on socialized medicine. Never mind! 131 00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:41,320 Is it over, Captain? 132 00:06:42,380 --> 00:06:44,600 Well, Sergeant, what is it this time? 133 00:06:45,540 --> 00:06:46,540 What? 134 00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:48,520 What's wrong this time? Wrong? 135 00:06:49,080 --> 00:06:52,660 Oh, I see what you're doing. You think I'm here on sick call. I never felt 136 00:06:52,660 --> 00:06:53,980 better in my life, sir. You what? 137 00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:56,640 Of course, I just came here to check on some of my men and see if they're trying 138 00:06:56,640 --> 00:06:59,280 to get out of Bivouac by pretending they're sick. They're a great bunch of 139 00:06:59,380 --> 00:07:01,340 Captain, but they are rascals. They are rascals. 140 00:07:02,780 --> 00:07:03,780 This is Sergeant Bilko. 141 00:07:04,380 --> 00:07:07,120 Bilko, you mean it's Bivouac time and there's nothing wrong with you? No, sir, 142 00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:09,700 just a little quickening of the pulse, thumping of the heart, anxious to get 143 00:07:09,700 --> 00:07:12,900 in those open spaces with my men, digging those foxholes. Oh, sir, there's 144 00:07:12,900 --> 00:07:15,080 nothing like Bivouac. How do you know? You've never been on one. 145 00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:19,500 Really, sir, that's unkind, just because in the past I've been unfortunate 146 00:07:19,500 --> 00:07:21,600 enough to get these rare afflictions. I know, I know. 147 00:07:22,289 --> 00:07:25,190 We shut off in 15 minutes. Yes, sir, and I'm looking forward to it. Finally 148 00:07:25,190 --> 00:07:27,490 getting out on bit back, sir. Oh, this is a dream come true. 149 00:07:27,930 --> 00:07:29,810 Never thought I'd make it, sir. Neither did I. 150 00:07:30,930 --> 00:07:32,050 Ah, he's a grand man. 151 00:07:32,270 --> 00:07:34,890 A grand man, the colonel. They don't make him like him anymore. You know, top 152 00:07:34,890 --> 00:07:36,910 man in his class at West Point. You do that, didn't you, Captain? 153 00:07:37,250 --> 00:07:39,850 Sir, I see you're busy. If you'll just sign these papers, I'll be off and join 154 00:07:39,850 --> 00:07:40,569 my men. 155 00:07:40,570 --> 00:07:43,250 What papers? Well, it just says that I'm in perfect health to go on bit back. 156 00:07:43,310 --> 00:07:45,590 You'll sign it, sir. I'd appreciate it very much. You want me to sign this? 157 00:07:45,750 --> 00:07:46,750 Well, you see, the men, they're... 158 00:07:47,520 --> 00:07:50,340 Gossipers, you know, they're afraid that if I go on Bivak, I'll break down. They 159 00:07:50,340 --> 00:07:53,000 don't want the responsibility of bringing a body home. You know that's 160 00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:56,080 false rumors. You'll just sign, assuming all the responsibilities. Well, just a 161 00:07:56,080 --> 00:07:59,640 second. I mean, it's silly signing anything if you're in perfect health. 162 00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:02,280 I was in any better health, I'd be on all the recruiting posters. 163 00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:04,400 Nothing. 164 00:08:05,260 --> 00:08:06,260 Nothing at all, sir. 165 00:08:06,420 --> 00:08:09,300 Sometimes a little stick in there, it's nothing at all. If you'll just sign, I'd 166 00:08:09,300 --> 00:08:11,680 appreciate it. Well, I don't like to sign anything until I'm sure I know what 167 00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:13,620 I'm saying. Sir, it's just a mere formality. If you'll just sign it. 168 00:08:13,920 --> 00:08:14,829 Yes, sir? 169 00:08:14,830 --> 00:08:17,390 Your hand, does it always shake like that? Oh, no, no, sir. It's just an 170 00:08:17,390 --> 00:08:20,350 accident. I'm just a little tense. I'm dying to get out in those open fields, 171 00:08:20,430 --> 00:08:24,170 toying my men on that dirt bike. In the out... What is it, sonny? 172 00:08:24,490 --> 00:08:25,490 Nothing at all, sir. 173 00:08:26,790 --> 00:08:29,890 I take a deep breath and arrive... Are you sure you're all right? Oh, sir, I'm 174 00:08:29,890 --> 00:08:33,250 in perfect health. You can... You can... Excuse me, sir. I don't want to be 175 00:08:33,250 --> 00:08:35,630 impertinent, but is that a regulation tie? 176 00:08:36,210 --> 00:08:38,090 Why, of course it is. With polka dots? 177 00:08:39,230 --> 00:08:40,230 Do you see polka dots? 178 00:08:40,890 --> 00:08:43,830 Aren't there any... It must be these glasses. I must have them clean, sir. I 179 00:08:43,830 --> 00:08:44,719 really must. 180 00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:47,380 Now, wait a minute, Sergeant. Now, just when we're in... Trembling hands, pain 181 00:08:47,380 --> 00:08:49,880 in the chest, spots before the eyes. Now, what is that? It's nothing, sir. 182 00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:53,180 Believe me, I'm in perfect health. The only bilbo so far who's never contracted 183 00:08:53,180 --> 00:08:55,360 a family curse of Wilkerson... Wilkerson! No, sir! 184 00:08:55,580 --> 00:08:58,980 I didn't mean to say that. I heard an old husband. Please, sir. Pay no 185 00:08:58,980 --> 00:08:59,980 to what you saw, sir. 186 00:09:00,060 --> 00:09:01,780 It's not... It's on page 82, sir. 187 00:09:06,020 --> 00:09:08,280 Wilkerson! Trembling hands. Sir, please. Yes? 188 00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:09,600 Audley, there's an emergency. 189 00:09:09,620 --> 00:09:12,340 I'm putting you in isolation immediately. The hospital. Oh, no, sir. 190 00:09:12,340 --> 00:09:14,900 man to bed. Sir, won't you reconsider? I want to join my men. 191 00:09:15,140 --> 00:09:17,660 What war, sir? Sir, please, don't... War D, the same war. 192 00:09:19,280 --> 00:09:20,280 Put him in isolation. 193 00:09:20,540 --> 00:09:21,580 Sir, stand back. 194 00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:22,800 What's the matter with you men? 195 00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:26,080 Don't you realize that Wilkinson's disease is the most contagious ever 196 00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:29,060 medical science? Good heavens, I almost forgot. Sir, please forget... There's 197 00:09:29,060 --> 00:09:32,760 luggage in the hall. Don't you stand there. My luggage... Sir, won't you... 198 00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:34,200 Wilco, who are you in contact with today? 199 00:09:34,700 --> 00:09:36,300 Sir, I'm no stool pigeon. My lips are sealed. 200 00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:38,780 Bilko, we've got to round up those men and put them in the same ward with you 201 00:09:38,780 --> 00:09:41,240 for the health of this whole post. Now, who are they? Well, if you put it that 202 00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:44,180 way, sir, I did share the same piece of pie with Peter. Same piece of pie? 203 00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:46,980 Now, what were those fellows' names? There's so many men on the post. 204 00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:52,220 Oh, yes, I believe it was Sergeant Sawicki, Pendleton, and Grover. But, 205 00:09:52,240 --> 00:09:54,020 please, I never felt better. 206 00:09:54,920 --> 00:09:59,540 I'm in perfect health. Hey, are these your things? Be careful with that 207 00:09:59,580 --> 00:10:01,180 There's some egg rolls there. I don't want it squashed. 208 00:10:01,900 --> 00:10:02,900 Yes, 209 00:10:03,180 --> 00:10:04,180 I know. 210 00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:06,580 Look. There goes Bilko's platoon. 211 00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:09,180 This is the site I've been waiting for. 212 00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:10,880 Bilko leading his men. 213 00:10:12,180 --> 00:10:13,180 Where is he? 214 00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:19,700 Maybe he's behind them. Oh, didn't you hear, sir? Hear what? Oh, it's tragic. 215 00:10:20,180 --> 00:10:23,760 Oh, don't tell me. Yes, sir. He's in the hospital. Captain Curtis says it's one 216 00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:24,760 of the rarest diseases. 217 00:10:24,860 --> 00:10:25,860 Stop the bivouac. 218 00:10:26,080 --> 00:10:29,600 Stop the bivouac? Stop the bivouac. This outfit doesn't go out without Bilko. 219 00:10:29,780 --> 00:10:30,780 Yes, sir. 220 00:10:30,900 --> 00:10:32,280 He's not getting away with it. 221 00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:37,080 All right, this is it, men. Unpack the luggage. I'll tell you where everything 222 00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:39,940 goes. Oh, Martin built those bags. Back again. 223 00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:42,060 Can a moth stay away from the flame? 224 00:10:42,680 --> 00:10:43,680 Hello. 225 00:10:44,140 --> 00:10:45,140 Give me the diet kitchen. 226 00:10:45,620 --> 00:10:46,620 Hello. Mrs. 227 00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:47,880 Dombrowski. Yes, 228 00:10:49,300 --> 00:10:52,060 it's Ernie. She remembers me. What else do you remember, dear? 229 00:10:52,460 --> 00:10:55,740 Yes, the steaks. Blood rare. That's a good girl. I'm not clean of this year. 230 00:10:55,900 --> 00:10:57,580 With the goulash, go out of your mind. Yes, 231 00:10:59,020 --> 00:11:01,000 I love you, too, you passionate poor boy. 232 00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:03,100 All right, sweetheart. 233 00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:05,480 Wonderful girl if she could only cook. 234 00:11:06,640 --> 00:11:07,179 Please, 235 00:11:07,180 --> 00:11:24,780 you'll 236 00:11:24,780 --> 00:11:26,000 have to wait your turn. Come on, darling. 237 00:11:26,840 --> 00:11:30,820 May I ask what's going on here? May I ask what you're doing here when I didn't 238 00:11:30,820 --> 00:11:31,820 ring for you? 239 00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:32,779 for me. 240 00:11:32,780 --> 00:11:34,380 This is Miss Swenson, the head nurse. 241 00:11:34,580 --> 00:11:35,700 Nurses, get back to your duties. 242 00:11:36,260 --> 00:11:39,780 Miss Swenson, a thousand pardons. And here I've been waiting to meet you all 243 00:11:39,780 --> 00:11:41,320 day. What's going on here? 244 00:11:41,540 --> 00:11:42,680 I order you. Stop. 245 00:11:43,340 --> 00:11:46,340 Stop. Would you say that again the way you just said it? I order you to say 246 00:11:46,340 --> 00:11:46,959 again, please. 247 00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:50,060 I order you to? No, no, say it with the same flash, the same fire you said it 248 00:11:50,060 --> 00:11:51,060 with originally. Say it, please. 249 00:11:51,300 --> 00:11:52,760 I order you to? Do you see it? 250 00:11:53,120 --> 00:11:54,700 Do you see the same incredible interpretation? 251 00:11:55,060 --> 00:11:56,240 Garbo. Garbo? 252 00:11:56,460 --> 00:11:59,220 You saw her, too. You noticed it, didn't you? What are you talking about? Oh, 253 00:11:59,220 --> 00:12:02,040 you know what I'm talking about. The same bone structure, the same fire, the 254 00:12:02,040 --> 00:12:04,840 same inner beauty. But then again, Garbo was Swedish. 255 00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:06,120 I'm Swedish? 256 00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:07,620 Oh, no, please don't drive me mad. 257 00:12:08,060 --> 00:12:09,060 Don't, please. 258 00:12:09,500 --> 00:12:13,000 It can't be. It can't be that same happy coincidence you... Well, the bone 259 00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:15,060 structure there, it's Garbo. Look, we won't say a word. 260 00:12:15,340 --> 00:12:17,400 What was your stage name? Just tell us, please. 261 00:12:17,950 --> 00:12:19,230 What nonsense are you talking? 262 00:12:19,570 --> 00:12:22,310 Oh, you know what I'm talking about. Just tell us what plays you've been in. 263 00:12:22,310 --> 00:12:24,210 live such a drab life. We love you people at the theater. 264 00:12:25,030 --> 00:12:26,490 I was never on the stage. 265 00:12:26,950 --> 00:12:27,950 He's crazy. 266 00:12:28,770 --> 00:12:32,170 Yes, I'm crazy. Crazy to think for a moment this talent, this fire could have 267 00:12:32,170 --> 00:12:33,170 been hidden for so long. 268 00:12:33,410 --> 00:12:36,110 You're exquisite. That's what you are. Tell us your stage name. Come, please. 269 00:12:36,370 --> 00:12:39,230 Well, in nurse's school, we did have a dramatic class. 270 00:12:39,490 --> 00:12:42,010 Huh? Huh? I see things. Did I notice it right away? 271 00:12:42,270 --> 00:12:43,470 It was there all the time. 272 00:12:43,830 --> 00:12:47,550 We did Peter Pan. Peter, oh, I could just see you flying through the air. 273 00:12:48,650 --> 00:12:49,950 I played the dog. 274 00:12:50,230 --> 00:12:51,230 The dog? 275 00:12:51,250 --> 00:12:54,190 Well, that producer should be horsewhipped. Anybody that would take 276 00:12:54,190 --> 00:12:55,910 talent... Oh! 277 00:12:56,570 --> 00:12:57,469 What's wrong? 278 00:12:57,470 --> 00:12:59,610 Please, please forgive this ecstasy, but... 279 00:13:00,030 --> 00:13:02,890 I just became conscious of your hands. My hands? 280 00:13:03,130 --> 00:13:05,730 There's something about Swedish women, gentlemen. Their hands, they tell you a 281 00:13:05,730 --> 00:13:09,070 story. There's an electricity in them that... Oh, it's just overwhelming. 282 00:13:09,290 --> 00:13:11,790 Oh, don't tell me you never gave a massage before in your life. 283 00:13:12,210 --> 00:13:15,050 Well, it was a natural fact when I first came to New York. Oh, of course, I knew 284 00:13:15,050 --> 00:13:15,809 it right away. 285 00:13:15,810 --> 00:13:18,810 It's magic in their hands. Just against the grain, dear. Not too hard. 286 00:13:20,030 --> 00:13:21,510 Oh, it's heaven. 287 00:13:21,750 --> 00:13:23,050 It's heaven. That's what it is. 288 00:13:26,629 --> 00:13:30,050 Hilda, gently, Hilda. Hilda, gently. You're ruining my clavicle. Gently, 289 00:13:30,510 --> 00:13:33,730 And then she says to me, look, he bought a goat. Fine. But how did you get a 290 00:13:33,730 --> 00:13:35,310 goat that looks just like the colonel? 291 00:13:36,750 --> 00:13:38,770 Oh, wait, it gets better. 292 00:13:39,670 --> 00:13:40,670 Oh, 293 00:13:42,150 --> 00:13:45,210 sir, I need some more oxygen. Quiet, on your feet. On your feet. 294 00:13:45,470 --> 00:13:46,630 Miss Winston, what's going on here? 295 00:13:46,850 --> 00:13:49,370 Well, Ernie here complained... She was kind enough. Now you keep quiet. 296 00:13:49,770 --> 00:13:50,770 Miss Winston, come with me. 297 00:13:50,990 --> 00:13:53,090 I know where we left off, dear. I'll tell you later. Miss Winston! 298 00:13:53,980 --> 00:13:56,740 Colonel, it's nice of you to get some fruit for the colonel. Fruit! Never 299 00:13:56,840 --> 00:13:57,840 Bilko. 300 00:13:58,000 --> 00:14:01,280 Pardon me for breaking in like this. I know you didn't ring for me. Oh, sir, 301 00:14:01,580 --> 00:14:05,420 please. Be free to come here whenever you want, won't you please? Thank you, 302 00:14:05,420 --> 00:14:09,180 Bilko. I know how you miss not being out there leading your men. 303 00:14:09,500 --> 00:14:12,360 Sir, if they hadn't hidden my clothes, I'd tear through these walls, sir. 304 00:14:12,580 --> 00:14:17,780 Ah, Sergeant Sawicki, Pendleton, and Grover. Hail, hail, the gang's all here. 305 00:14:17,860 --> 00:14:18,860 How about that? Hail! 306 00:14:26,540 --> 00:14:30,220 The past eight years, I've been laboring under the delusion that I run this 307 00:14:30,220 --> 00:14:31,900 post. It's time to face facts. 308 00:14:32,260 --> 00:14:34,740 You, Sergeant Bilko, you run this post. 309 00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:36,920 Oh, sir, I couldn't do it without your cooperation. 310 00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:40,560 I give you my word, sir, you're a peerless leader. 311 00:14:41,040 --> 00:14:45,800 I am a stooge. No, sir, don't say that. But from now on, the joyride is over. 312 00:14:46,740 --> 00:14:47,740 Private. 313 00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:49,720 Twelve years of suffering. 314 00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:52,260 Twelve years of finagling and goofing off. 315 00:14:52,830 --> 00:14:56,170 And you're going to get out there on that bivouac. But, sir, regulations. 316 00:14:57,290 --> 00:14:58,290 Regulations? 317 00:14:58,670 --> 00:15:00,950 Regulations? Look who's talking about regulations. 318 00:15:06,910 --> 00:15:08,550 Tactic Boba Fatalis. 319 00:15:08,770 --> 00:15:10,110 Mm -hmm. We'll use that one. 320 00:15:10,550 --> 00:15:14,010 But, Captain, it's against all regulations. I know. That's why only the 321 00:15:14,010 --> 00:15:17,110 us must know about it. He's made a fool of us, Miss Swenson. Now, two can play 322 00:15:17,110 --> 00:15:17,959 at that game. 323 00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:20,720 We're going to throw a scare into Sergeant Bilko that's going to keep him 324 00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:23,000 sick call for the rest of his life. Where's the overseas record? 325 00:15:23,220 --> 00:15:26,820 Here. To think I let him fool me into getting him... Quiet. 326 00:15:27,540 --> 00:15:28,519 Let's see. 327 00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:31,560 Stationed in New Guinea in the settlement of Govici. 328 00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:33,420 Come along, Miss Spencer. 329 00:15:34,540 --> 00:15:37,140 What is this? What is this? Somebody would think I was sick or something. 330 00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:40,320 Sergeant, all we know is you were just put on the critical list. Critical list. 331 00:15:40,820 --> 00:15:43,440 I knew I overdid it. I'm the victim of my own talents. 332 00:15:44,060 --> 00:15:45,180 Under the 081. 333 00:15:45,660 --> 00:15:46,660 He's ready. 334 00:15:47,439 --> 00:15:51,680 Under the N... Hello, Captain. Join us. Bingo. It's only ten cents a cup. All 335 00:15:51,680 --> 00:15:54,140 right? Now, Sergeant Bilko, just relax. Relax. 336 00:15:54,860 --> 00:15:56,980 Miss Swinson, I'm sure this X -ray must be wrong. 337 00:15:57,240 --> 00:15:58,240 X -ray? 338 00:15:58,260 --> 00:16:01,660 Let me fess up to you, Captain, so I can tell you... Now, please, Sergeant. 339 00:16:01,680 --> 00:16:02,680 Please. 340 00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:06,240 Hmm. 341 00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:07,579 Is that a sign? 342 00:16:07,580 --> 00:16:10,240 Well, we'll have to make some more tests. Look, look, look, Captain. Before 343 00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:11,520 go out on a limb, I'd better confess. 344 00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:13,680 I never had Wilkerson's disease. 345 00:16:14,020 --> 00:16:15,560 We know that, Sergeant. We know that. 346 00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:18,860 The x -rays prove you haven't Wilkerson's disease, but thank heavens 347 00:16:18,860 --> 00:16:21,020 that x -ray and found out. Found out what? 348 00:16:21,220 --> 00:16:24,980 Now, don't get alarmed, Sergeant. No case of Cactobulba fatalis has ever been 349 00:16:24,980 --> 00:16:26,040 reported in this country before. 350 00:16:26,420 --> 00:16:27,640 Cactobulba fatalis? What is that? 351 00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:30,400 It's a tropical disease, 100 % fatal. 352 00:16:30,700 --> 00:16:36,520 100 % fatal? Now, Sergeant, you couldn't possibly have Cactobulba fatalis. Well, 353 00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:40,860 thanks. Now, you see, the disease is confined to the island of New Guinea, so 354 00:16:40,860 --> 00:16:41,880 how could you possibly have it? 355 00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:43,080 New Guinea? 356 00:16:43,230 --> 00:16:44,870 I was stationed in New Guinea during the war. 357 00:16:45,090 --> 00:16:45,489 You were? 358 00:16:45,490 --> 00:16:49,490 Yes. Oh, no, it couldn't be. You see, this disease occurs only in a tiny 359 00:16:49,490 --> 00:16:51,690 settlement called Gubichi, so... Gubichi! 360 00:16:52,010 --> 00:16:54,970 I was there for 18... You know I was... Yes, sir. 361 00:16:55,210 --> 00:16:58,470 Miss Swenson, alert the Walter Reed Tropical Disease Lab immediately. Tell 362 00:16:58,470 --> 00:17:00,290 we've isolated Pat de Bulba Fatalis. 363 00:17:00,630 --> 00:17:03,250 Sir, Fatalis... Miss Swenson, you'd better send it in court or it's going to 364 00:17:03,250 --> 00:17:04,029 panic the country. 365 00:17:04,030 --> 00:17:06,490 Sir, the... Now, Sergeant, you're going to be all right. 366 00:17:06,730 --> 00:17:09,170 Miss Swenson, alert the chaplain. The chaplain... 367 00:17:11,530 --> 00:17:13,349 Hope won't be the same without Bilko. 368 00:17:15,490 --> 00:17:16,490 Where's Hampton Curtis? 369 00:17:16,750 --> 00:17:20,190 He's at Sergeant Bilko's side, sir. Well, he won't be for long. I have an 370 00:17:20,190 --> 00:17:23,650 here from Major Donald stating that Bilko is perfectly fit to go on bid 371 00:17:24,030 --> 00:17:25,390 That phony faker. 372 00:17:25,770 --> 00:17:27,250 He spent his last day in this hospital. 373 00:17:27,450 --> 00:17:28,450 His last day? 374 00:17:30,110 --> 00:17:30,989 What's wrong? 375 00:17:30,990 --> 00:17:34,970 Sir, that phony faker, as you call him, is at death's door. 376 00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:38,890 I didn't know. 377 00:17:48,460 --> 00:17:49,460 I didn't know. 378 00:17:52,380 --> 00:17:53,380 Come in. 379 00:17:58,140 --> 00:18:03,700 Am I too late? 380 00:18:04,020 --> 00:18:06,760 Sir, I'd like to speak to you for a moment. I know all about it, please. 381 00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:09,100 Leave me alone with the boy. Sir, I'd like to explain... Please, that's an 382 00:18:09,100 --> 00:18:10,300 order. Yes, sir. 383 00:18:17,970 --> 00:18:19,550 Oh, no, Bilko, you don't have to salute. 384 00:18:22,950 --> 00:18:23,950 Well, 385 00:18:25,850 --> 00:18:28,650 sir, I sure got off bivouac, didn't I? Pretty vices. 386 00:18:29,250 --> 00:18:30,250 Mumble it. 387 00:18:30,630 --> 00:18:33,370 Don't worry, don't worry. You'll be out of here in no time. You're going to be 388 00:18:33,370 --> 00:18:33,989 all right. 389 00:18:33,990 --> 00:18:35,290 No use, Colonel, I know. 390 00:18:35,490 --> 00:18:38,130 I've been ordered to that big bivouac up yonder. 391 00:18:43,170 --> 00:18:44,170 Bilko, 392 00:18:44,370 --> 00:18:46,570 here are your stripes back. 393 00:18:48,170 --> 00:18:49,069 Thank you, sir. 394 00:18:49,070 --> 00:18:50,410 Master Sergeant Bilko. 395 00:18:50,790 --> 00:18:55,650 You will see that I'm wearing these when they... With full military honors. 396 00:18:56,770 --> 00:18:58,050 I mean, you're going to be all right. 397 00:18:58,790 --> 00:19:02,310 Full military honors. I don't deserve it, sir. I've been a bad soldier. 398 00:19:03,190 --> 00:19:04,190 No, Bilko. 399 00:19:04,670 --> 00:19:06,070 You've been a good soldier. 400 00:19:06,350 --> 00:19:09,790 It was a pleasure to inspect your barracks. They were the cleanest on the 401 00:19:10,110 --> 00:19:12,690 Colonel, I have to confess, I can't have it on my conscience. 402 00:19:13,030 --> 00:19:14,970 Those weren't my barracks you inspected. 403 00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:17,400 I always led you to the barracks next door. 404 00:19:19,900 --> 00:19:20,900 Sir, 405 00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:25,260 I don't blame you for being angry. You're a great military leader, sir. 406 00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:27,080 Great military leader. 407 00:19:27,420 --> 00:19:28,420 Wilco. 408 00:19:29,180 --> 00:19:30,540 I must confess, sir. 409 00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:34,960 You know all that talk about me being top man in my class at West Point? 410 00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:36,600 Weren't you, sir? 411 00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:39,000 They call me Melonhead. 412 00:19:39,300 --> 00:19:40,300 Melonhead? 413 00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:45,680 You must carry that secret with you to your grave. 414 00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:47,440 I mean, you're going to be all right. 415 00:19:48,340 --> 00:19:51,460 Colonel, the captain has something very important to tell you. 416 00:19:53,220 --> 00:19:54,360 I'll be right back, Milko. 417 00:19:56,100 --> 00:19:59,900 I will be with you right to the flat. I mean, you're going to be all right. 418 00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:05,440 And I'm going to give you a leave for one month. 419 00:20:05,860 --> 00:20:06,839 That's a promise. 420 00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:12,040 Sir, if I can ever get out of here, I'll take a bivouac for a month. That's a 421 00:20:12,040 --> 00:20:15,030 promise. Colonel, the captain must speak to you. Coming. 422 00:20:29,030 --> 00:20:30,950 Hilda? Hilda, is that you, Hilda? 423 00:20:31,870 --> 00:20:36,490 Well, little Peter Pan, I'll soon be in Never Never Land. 424 00:20:37,870 --> 00:20:40,490 I can't stand it! It's not your fault. 425 00:20:45,010 --> 00:20:48,470 I'm... It was a trick. You're very healthy. We didn't scare you. 426 00:20:49,230 --> 00:20:52,070 Are you kidding me? You and Captain... It's a gag? 427 00:20:52,510 --> 00:20:53,329 I'm all right? 428 00:20:53,330 --> 00:20:56,030 Yes. I can get on my feet again? Back to the mumbo. 429 00:20:57,070 --> 00:20:59,010 And the colonel promised me a month furlough. 430 00:20:59,290 --> 00:21:00,289 Wait a minute. 431 00:21:00,290 --> 00:21:02,090 I promised him I'd do a month on bivouac. 432 00:21:02,470 --> 00:21:04,910 Does the colonel know about this? No. Get me back in bed. Don't tell him 433 00:21:04,910 --> 00:21:06,110 anything. I've got to get out of this promise. 434 00:21:06,530 --> 00:21:08,090 Held down depending on here. Give me that. 435 00:21:23,950 --> 00:21:25,930 It's getting darker, sir. Dark. 436 00:21:26,870 --> 00:21:27,870 Hang on. 437 00:21:32,490 --> 00:21:33,490 I know. 438 00:21:34,430 --> 00:21:39,790 I made a promise that... After you, sir. No, you go ahead, Bickle. Well, sir, I 439 00:21:39,790 --> 00:21:43,610 made a promise to go out on bivouac, but, sir, I just realized on my 440 00:21:43,790 --> 00:21:46,070 I don't... You don't live to go on bivouac. I know. 441 00:21:46,310 --> 00:21:49,030 You promised. But, sir, my condition, I don't... Oh, no. 442 00:21:49,290 --> 00:21:53,290 Ernie, it occurs to me that I mentioned something... 443 00:21:54,050 --> 00:21:55,230 Rather personal to you. 444 00:21:55,490 --> 00:21:57,070 You mean about Melonhead, sir? 445 00:21:58,970 --> 00:22:05,030 If you promise not to reveal that, will you promise to take me off bivouac, sir? 446 00:22:05,190 --> 00:22:08,310 I didn't say that. But, sir, if you want to make a deal... I'm not making any 447 00:22:08,310 --> 00:22:12,150 deal! Sir, please, you're yelling at me. My condition... I know your condition. 448 00:22:12,170 --> 00:22:14,450 You're as healthy as a horse. And you're going on bivouac. 449 00:22:14,770 --> 00:22:16,710 M .P.! Sir, this shattered body. 450 00:22:16,930 --> 00:22:20,330 You can't... Take this shattered body and get it out on bivouac. Sir, won't 451 00:22:20,330 --> 00:22:21,410 you... M .H.! 452 00:22:21,730 --> 00:22:22,730 M .H.! Don't you dare! 453 00:22:27,439 --> 00:22:30,100 Captain Curtis by Arthur Storch. 454 00:22:31,480 --> 00:22:33,280 Money on purpose. 39131

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