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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,000 on purpose. 2 00:00:30,750 --> 00:00:33,450 Phoebe, I'll put in some more Epsom salts. What are you trying to do, pickle 3 00:00:33,450 --> 00:00:34,450 them? 4 00:00:35,690 --> 00:00:36,890 Oh, walk, walk. 5 00:00:37,130 --> 00:00:39,990 Walk, walk. Walk from the motor pool. Walk to the mess hall. Walk! 6 00:00:40,810 --> 00:00:44,150 When I was a civilian, I used to see the newsreels. Every time I saw a soldier, 7 00:00:44,230 --> 00:00:46,870 he was in a jeep. In every newsreel, soldiers were in jeeps. 8 00:00:47,150 --> 00:00:48,150 I joined the army. 9 00:00:48,510 --> 00:00:49,610 That's where I made my mistake. 10 00:00:49,810 --> 00:00:51,130 I should have joined the newsreel. 11 00:00:56,560 --> 00:00:57,359 din is here. 12 00:00:57,360 --> 00:00:58,279 Fine here, please. 13 00:00:58,280 --> 00:01:01,660 Either a slow rain or sleet will stop these couriers from delivering their red 14 00:01:01,660 --> 00:01:02,660 tape. 15 00:01:03,600 --> 00:01:10,460 All right, Snoopy. All right. What am I doing reading this? I'm off duty. 16 00:01:10,580 --> 00:01:11,580 Read it. 17 00:01:12,940 --> 00:01:14,140 Hey, it's from Colonel Hall. 18 00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:16,080 Well, read it loud. It may be good for some laughs. 19 00:01:17,020 --> 00:01:19,080 Wanted a master sergeant to volunteer. 20 00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:24,260 Volunteer? I told you never to use that word in these barracks. 21 00:01:29,230 --> 00:01:30,230 What does it say? 22 00:01:30,250 --> 00:01:32,970 Oh, it's some new security regulations from Washington. 23 00:01:33,210 --> 00:01:37,250 The colonel wants a master sergeant to volunteer to check the doors of the 24 00:01:37,250 --> 00:01:38,250 armory once a day. 25 00:01:39,030 --> 00:01:40,830 He wants a sergeant to volunteer? 26 00:01:41,730 --> 00:01:42,850 Colonel must be drinking. 27 00:01:43,490 --> 00:01:47,890 All right, all right, what else? The usual army double talk, suborder A5, 28 00:01:48,030 --> 00:01:53,230 regulation PTP, whatever that means. Whatever that... Whatever that means? 29 00:01:53,890 --> 00:01:55,970 If you know how long I've been waiting to hear those words. 30 00:01:56,520 --> 00:01:57,560 Get me my shoes. I'm going to volunteer. 31 00:01:58,060 --> 00:01:59,060 Volunteer? Are you nuts? 32 00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:00,580 Sarge, what's this PTP? 33 00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:03,320 If I told you guys once, I told you a thousand times. 34 00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:06,360 Learn the army abbreviations. They're the key to gracious living. 35 00:02:07,180 --> 00:02:10,220 PTP means personal transportation provided. 36 00:02:10,780 --> 00:02:13,240 Gentlemen, we have got us a jeep. A jeep. 37 00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:15,460 Yeah, but what if the other master sergeant volunteers? 38 00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:17,340 Not a chance for two reasons. One. 39 00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:22,220 Those meatballs are too dumb to know that PTP means cheap. Two, I am about to 40 00:02:22,220 --> 00:02:26,560 lay a smoke screen with charm to see that they don't even suspect that PTP 41 00:02:26,560 --> 00:02:27,560 cheap. 42 00:02:29,160 --> 00:02:31,360 Ah, Miss Sergeant Sawicki. 43 00:02:32,220 --> 00:02:34,560 Mm -hmm. What do you want? 44 00:02:34,820 --> 00:02:37,940 Nothing, just passing by your kitchen. It smelled so good, I just had to drop 45 00:02:37,940 --> 00:02:41,540 in. What smelled so good? Just boiling out the pots. 46 00:02:44,490 --> 00:02:48,950 You see that? In the hands of an artist, even that smells good. You know, pal, I 47 00:02:48,950 --> 00:02:50,170 was telling the guys only yesterday. 48 00:02:50,650 --> 00:02:52,950 We're lucky to have a messager like you on this post. 49 00:02:53,330 --> 00:02:55,310 Crazy about my cooking. The best. 50 00:02:55,790 --> 00:02:58,770 Then how come last month you're running all over the post trying to organize a 51 00:02:58,770 --> 00:02:59,770 hunger strike? 52 00:03:00,830 --> 00:03:04,150 You won't give up on it. Why don't you let bygones be bygones? Don't you see 53 00:03:04,150 --> 00:03:05,150 trying to be friendly, pal? 54 00:03:05,390 --> 00:03:08,690 Every time you want to be friendly with me, it either costs me money or a 55 00:03:08,690 --> 00:03:09,730 night's sleep or a girl. 56 00:03:10,450 --> 00:03:11,450 What is it this time? 57 00:03:12,110 --> 00:03:15,860 Well... I just have to give up. I tried, I tried. I guess I'll just have to 58 00:03:15,860 --> 00:03:17,700 forget that idea of mine. What idea? 59 00:03:18,500 --> 00:03:19,960 Mess Appreciation Day. 60 00:03:20,720 --> 00:03:22,600 Mess Appreciation Day? What's that? 61 00:03:22,920 --> 00:03:27,040 Just an idea I had. I figured one day we set aside, you guys in the kitchen, you 62 00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:31,040 sit on chairs, you don't move, you don't boil a pot. We serve you. Mess 63 00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:32,040 Appreciation Day. 64 00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:34,840 Gee, we get very little appreciation. 65 00:03:35,260 --> 00:03:39,760 None. On Arbor Day, they even honor a shrub. Why not you, Stanley boy? 66 00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:43,040 Mess appreciation day. 67 00:03:44,060 --> 00:03:46,960 See, honey, what I can't figure out is why you... Figure, figure. Why are you 68 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:48,920 always looking a good thought in the mouth? Figure, figure. 69 00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:51,680 Doesn't it figure that once I'd like to do something nice for my fellow 70 00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:55,140 soldiers, this is the new bilko pad I've changed. For instance, if you see that 71 00:03:55,140 --> 00:03:57,540 new detail, I volunteered for it. PTP. 72 00:03:58,060 --> 00:04:01,340 PTP, what's that? I looked it up. It means you've got to wear puttees, trench 73 00:04:01,340 --> 00:04:05,120 knife, paratroop... Oh, yeah, I know. Look, if you want the detail, I'll give 74 00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:06,480 up. No, no, no. 75 00:04:07,950 --> 00:04:11,790 I just can't get over the change in you, Bill. Look, a man changes. A man gets 76 00:04:11,790 --> 00:04:12,890 tired of being the heel. 77 00:04:13,390 --> 00:04:14,390 Hey, 78 00:04:14,570 --> 00:04:17,589 do you mind if I take this pot of coffee over to Pendleton? He's beat. He's been 79 00:04:17,589 --> 00:04:21,790 outfitting rookies all day. Sure, sure. But that misappreciation day, Andy. What 80 00:04:21,790 --> 00:04:24,310 misappreciation? You know... Oh, yeah, misappreciation. 81 00:04:24,850 --> 00:04:26,030 When is it? 82 00:04:26,850 --> 00:04:27,689 When is what? 83 00:04:27,690 --> 00:04:29,690 That misappreciation. A misappreciation. 84 00:04:29,950 --> 00:04:33,090 Well, it's got to pass through the Pendleton, pal. I'm working on it. It's 85 00:04:33,090 --> 00:04:34,150 mind all the time, pal. 86 00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:38,280 I can't get over it. You serving me coffee? 87 00:04:38,980 --> 00:04:42,460 Why not? I was on my way over here to tell you about the new phone you always 88 00:04:42,460 --> 00:04:43,980 wanted. Phone? What phone? 89 00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:48,000 What phone? I know these little things. I talked Rover into it. I know you've 90 00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:49,340 always wanted an extension phone. 91 00:04:49,540 --> 00:04:52,460 An extension phone? For years I've been trying. 92 00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:55,040 Ernie, I sure had you pegged wrong. 93 00:04:55,380 --> 00:04:57,420 Andrew, I had myself pegged wrong. 94 00:04:58,160 --> 00:04:59,160 Hey! 95 00:05:00,479 --> 00:05:03,320 Isn't this one of those jackets that Grover has always wanted? Oh, yeah, but 96 00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:05,860 that's an officer's jacket. He's a sergeant. Yeah, but you know how he 97 00:05:05,860 --> 00:05:06,860 about his looks. 98 00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:08,320 Yeah, but Ernie, it's against regulations. 99 00:05:08,980 --> 00:05:12,740 Regulations? Isn't Grover cutting a few corners to get that phone in for you, 100 00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:14,140 pal? Oh, gosh, Ernie. 101 00:05:14,380 --> 00:05:16,520 You're making me realize what a heel I am. 102 00:05:17,080 --> 00:05:18,080 Take it to him. 103 00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:21,940 Okay, buddy. Oh, incidentally, I don't know if you noticed that new detail 104 00:05:21,940 --> 00:05:25,040 today. PTP. I volunteered for it. PTP? You know what I mean. 105 00:05:25,480 --> 00:05:27,020 Patrol triangle of parade grounds. 106 00:05:27,280 --> 00:05:30,840 Oh, that's right. Look, you want the detail? I'll bow off. No, no, no. I 107 00:05:30,840 --> 00:05:31,840 give it a thought. 108 00:05:32,220 --> 00:05:34,180 Andy, it's good to see you. Enjoy your coffee. 109 00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:37,900 Oh, Ernie, wait a minute. I know why you're volunteering. 110 00:05:38,500 --> 00:05:42,540 Why? You think you have to prove this? This shows you're a nice guy? 111 00:05:42,860 --> 00:05:45,000 You don't have to prove anything, Ernie. 112 00:05:45,260 --> 00:05:46,260 Yes, I do, Andy. 113 00:05:47,060 --> 00:05:48,180 Gotta prove it to myself. 114 00:05:49,360 --> 00:05:50,360 In here. 115 00:06:00,780 --> 00:06:02,560 You got nothing better to do than stand around looking all day? 116 00:06:06,740 --> 00:06:07,740 Sharp, 117 00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:12,460 sharp. Bernie, I'm ashamed. 118 00:06:13,100 --> 00:06:17,260 When you called me in, I didn't know what was going to happen. But this jet, 119 00:06:17,260 --> 00:06:19,900 sure must have worked on that Pendleton. For months. 120 00:06:20,100 --> 00:06:23,020 Look, I told him, here we got Grover, the best looking guy in the post. 121 00:06:23,280 --> 00:06:24,540 We got to dress him accordingly. 122 00:06:25,500 --> 00:06:29,660 Cut it out, Ernie. Look, pal, you don't put a prize rose in a dirty glass. 123 00:06:31,860 --> 00:06:33,280 Beautiful how I envy you. 124 00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:35,140 Come on, Ernie, looks ain't everything. 125 00:06:36,020 --> 00:06:39,580 Hey, you know, I volunteered for that PTP detail today. 126 00:06:39,820 --> 00:06:42,240 I shouldn't be getting a little bit PTP. 127 00:06:42,740 --> 00:06:43,740 Hey, you know what it means. 128 00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:46,100 You gotta have a pistol, tent, and pack sack. 129 00:06:46,340 --> 00:06:47,340 Oh, I know, murder. 130 00:06:47,500 --> 00:06:50,400 It's a murderous detail, but I figured the colonel would stick one of you guys 131 00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:51,400 with it, so I volunteered. 132 00:06:51,620 --> 00:06:52,840 Well, thanks for the jacket. 133 00:06:53,060 --> 00:06:54,060 Hey, hey. 134 00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:56,960 Why don't you surprise Pendleton? Why don't you put in that phone for him? 135 00:06:57,320 --> 00:06:58,660 But, Ernie, regulations. 136 00:06:59,820 --> 00:07:05,160 Regulations? A handsome sergeant in an officer's jacket talking about 137 00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:09,480 regulations? Okay, I'll have a couple of boys put it in tonight. Okay, Pappy. 138 00:07:09,860 --> 00:07:11,800 Wait a minute, wait a minute. Do that again. Do that. 139 00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:15,940 And the way they rave about Gregory Peck, I don't understand. 140 00:07:17,060 --> 00:07:19,040 Oh, cut it out. So long, handsome. 141 00:07:19,340 --> 00:07:20,880 So long. Don't knock the girls over. 142 00:07:21,380 --> 00:07:22,400 Oh, wee -wee -wow. 143 00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:23,960 Here we go. 144 00:07:24,620 --> 00:07:27,020 Well, that takes care of the last block. 145 00:07:28,560 --> 00:07:31,580 Special bulletin. Good news. Yeah, no kidding. 146 00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:39,280 All right. You know there's no tipping in the army. Here it is, 147 00:07:39,340 --> 00:07:41,000 men. From Colonel J .T. Hall. 148 00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:45,680 My request for a volunteer for special detail suborder A5 has resulted in the 149 00:07:45,680 --> 00:07:47,160 following volunteering for the detail. 150 00:07:47,520 --> 00:07:50,560 Master Sergeant E. Bilko and Master Sergeant L. Hogan. 151 00:07:51,340 --> 00:07:55,000 Well, we picked the jeep out of the motor pool. I want a big... Who said 152 00:07:55,280 --> 00:07:57,380 Who said Sergeant Hogan? You did. I said Hogan. 153 00:07:58,980 --> 00:08:02,780 Sergeant L. Hogan. There's no Sergeant Hogan on the post. There is now on the 154 00:08:02,780 --> 00:08:05,780 post, on the list. He's got one leg in our jeep. From out of nowhere. 155 00:08:06,060 --> 00:08:07,060 Hey, 156 00:08:07,160 --> 00:08:08,540 relax. Emergency. 157 00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:11,660 Dilko takes care of it. Just start thinking of a name for the jeep. 158 00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:13,899 Hey, Olsen. 159 00:08:13,900 --> 00:08:15,740 Snoopy. Get in here for a message. On the double. 160 00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:19,840 Now, don't just stand around. 161 00:08:20,340 --> 00:08:22,760 Think of a name. for the chief. But what about this Hogan? 162 00:08:23,060 --> 00:08:26,580 If you ever know where to goof off on an emergency, just don't worry about it, 163 00:08:26,660 --> 00:08:27,579 pal. 164 00:08:27,580 --> 00:08:32,080 And tonight at eight, welcome to party four, Sergeant... What party? 165 00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:35,900 These. Terrace room will host any doco. 166 00:08:36,700 --> 00:08:40,620 I need... I need... Not here. 167 00:08:41,140 --> 00:08:43,140 Here, pal. You gotta think with your heart. 168 00:08:43,380 --> 00:08:44,740 What makes this Joker volunteer? 169 00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:48,180 What? Lonely. He wants to meet people. Tonight he meets me. 170 00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:50,400 Tomorrow he withdraws his name. 171 00:08:51,070 --> 00:08:52,070 Come in. 172 00:08:52,150 --> 00:08:55,010 Hey, Olsen, be a good boy. Deliver this to Sergeant Al Hogan. 173 00:08:55,230 --> 00:08:56,350 Top secret. I'm the double assistant. 174 00:08:56,670 --> 00:08:57,670 Now, 175 00:08:58,450 --> 00:09:00,490 look, we've got to start thinking of the party. We've got to get a little gifts 176 00:09:00,490 --> 00:09:02,950 for him, make him feel at home. I've got to get him a date. I'll tell you later. 177 00:09:03,070 --> 00:09:10,030 I'll work... Matter 178 00:09:10,030 --> 00:09:11,030 Harry. 179 00:09:12,830 --> 00:09:15,550 When you're through reading that note, I want you to see that Sawicki, 180 00:09:15,770 --> 00:09:17,590 Pendleton, and Grover are invited... 181 00:09:22,190 --> 00:09:23,149 You got all the gifts? 182 00:09:23,150 --> 00:09:25,970 Yeah. Suppose he's already got a Marilyn Monroe calendar. 183 00:09:26,970 --> 00:09:27,970 So what? 184 00:09:28,230 --> 00:09:31,150 He can always trade it in for a neighbor gardener t -shirt. Doesn't matter. 185 00:09:31,610 --> 00:09:32,529 Now, look. 186 00:09:32,530 --> 00:09:36,190 You got that free pass to the steam baths? Right here, Sergeant. How about 187 00:09:36,190 --> 00:09:40,130 fellas? A party and for a guy he don't even know. Ernie, you're all hard. Come 188 00:09:40,130 --> 00:09:41,730 on, Pendleton. Don't be so emotional. 189 00:09:42,210 --> 00:09:45,450 My name's all set. Good. Rocco, did you get in touch with Mildred? Yeah, I 190 00:09:45,450 --> 00:09:47,230 finally located her. That's the date I'm getting for Hogan. 191 00:09:47,630 --> 00:09:49,910 You located her? Yep. Did you call Heidingen's pool room like I told you? 192 00:09:50,030 --> 00:09:52,550 Somebody there knew where to reach her? What somebody? She answered the phone. 193 00:09:53,990 --> 00:09:54,990 That's Mildred. 194 00:09:55,290 --> 00:09:59,450 Is that the Mildred that... Yeah, yeah. The barracuda. All right, all right, all 195 00:09:59,450 --> 00:10:00,450 right. 196 00:10:00,750 --> 00:10:03,430 She's a nice girl just because she works in a father's fish store. 197 00:10:05,520 --> 00:10:08,900 You told her this was a formal party dress. No rubber boots. You told her. I 198 00:10:08,900 --> 00:10:09,839 told her Hogan. 199 00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:12,580 Hogan was the millionaire's son and he looked like Tony Curtis. 200 00:10:12,940 --> 00:10:14,160 You getting Hogan a date? 201 00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:17,420 I want to make him feel like a big man. Hey, how about this guy, Hogan? He's 202 00:10:17,420 --> 00:10:18,560 supposed to be the guest of honor. 203 00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:21,060 He'll be here when he gets here. Make him feel right at home. Gentlemen. 204 00:10:21,380 --> 00:10:23,880 Yeah? Are you expecting Sergeant Hogan? 205 00:10:24,080 --> 00:10:25,059 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 206 00:10:25,060 --> 00:10:27,000 He's here. He's here. Climb up, quick. This way, Sergeant. 207 00:10:27,860 --> 00:10:29,360 He's a jolly good fellow. 208 00:10:29,740 --> 00:10:31,500 Boy, he's a jolly good fellow. 209 00:10:32,020 --> 00:10:33,800 Boy, he's a jolly good fellow. 210 00:10:43,210 --> 00:10:45,410 I'm Sergeant Bilgo. Are you Sergeant Hogan? 211 00:10:46,350 --> 00:10:50,310 Oh, well, this is Sergeant Swicky. How do you do? Sergeant Grover, look out for 212 00:10:50,310 --> 00:10:53,370 a music killer. There's Sergeant Pendleton. How do you do? Corporal 213 00:10:53,370 --> 00:10:54,550 do you do? Corporal Barbello. How do you do? 214 00:10:54,750 --> 00:10:58,890 You know, I can't help but get the feeling you weren't expecting me. You 215 00:10:58,890 --> 00:10:59,890 expecting me. 216 00:11:00,090 --> 00:11:03,750 We weren't expecting anybody as charming as you. Won't you sit down? 217 00:11:04,130 --> 00:11:05,190 Oh, for me? 218 00:11:05,670 --> 00:11:07,970 See you in the steam room. What is that? What is that? 219 00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:15,720 What's the matter with you? Didn't I tell you to get those nylons? Oh, now, 220 00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:17,720 didn't you expect a man? Now, pass off. 221 00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:21,420 Now, you're in for a lot of surprises. Sit down, Sergeant. 222 00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:22,919 Hiya, boys. 223 00:11:22,920 --> 00:11:26,200 It's Mildred. Oh, madam. Well, where's my date? Now, there seems to be the 224 00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:27,640 ladies' club meeting in the terrace room. 225 00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:32,480 Now, you see, when I... What are you talking about? I was invited to this 226 00:11:32,560 --> 00:11:38,400 Madam, some other... We've been talking about you. Where's my date to look like 227 00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:41,400 a tall, handsome sergeant like Tony Curtis? Tall, handsome sergeant? Well, 228 00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:42,400 fits Grover. Grover. 229 00:11:42,970 --> 00:11:46,750 You know... Come on, honey. Get your hands off of me, tomato face. 230 00:11:47,070 --> 00:11:50,150 Tomato face? Who do you call a tomato face? 231 00:11:50,370 --> 00:11:52,350 She called me tomato face. 232 00:11:55,230 --> 00:12:00,970 I'm going to date with a sergeant. She has a date. She called me tomato face. 233 00:12:01,010 --> 00:12:02,230 You are a tomato face. 234 00:12:03,910 --> 00:12:07,570 Excuse me, Mildred. I can explain this whole... Don't give me any of that fancy 235 00:12:07,570 --> 00:12:10,750 Bilko double talk. I want to know just one thing. Where's my date? 236 00:12:11,230 --> 00:12:14,010 Where's... Hogan. Sergeant Hogan. 237 00:12:17,590 --> 00:12:20,110 What's the matter, you guys? U .S .O. laying down the dog? 238 00:12:20,890 --> 00:12:23,110 You gotta figure out your own jokes in entertainment? 239 00:12:23,950 --> 00:12:28,870 Big joke, huh? Wait, wait, now, Mildred, I'm not... Is there anything I can do? 240 00:12:29,010 --> 00:12:30,010 There is! 241 00:12:41,740 --> 00:12:43,000 Let's have the party. Here we are. 242 00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:44,619 No, no, no, no. 243 00:12:44,620 --> 00:12:45,640 Please. Please. 244 00:12:47,440 --> 00:12:53,060 Please. I know I'm... But I do catch on. You're expecting a man. I'll just run 245 00:12:53,060 --> 00:12:55,420 along. I don't want to... Now, wait. Now, wait a second, Sergeant. There may 246 00:12:55,420 --> 00:12:58,400 have been a little misunderstanding, but the important thing is we wanted to 247 00:12:58,400 --> 00:13:01,660 meet Sergeant Holgren. We want you to meet us. Oh, that's better. Well, 248 00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:04,320 Sergeant... Sergeant Belker, I've been wanting to meet you for years. 249 00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:08,140 You know, ever since I went to Camp Collins... Camp Collins, my old prep 250 00:13:08,140 --> 00:13:09,740 dad insisted that I attend there. 251 00:13:12,910 --> 00:13:14,990 No, they still tell stories about the things you did there. 252 00:13:15,250 --> 00:13:19,510 Lies, all exaggerations. But the main thing is I want you to know me, to learn 253 00:13:19,510 --> 00:13:22,010 to trust me if you ever need a friend for some advice or anything. 254 00:13:22,210 --> 00:13:23,049 Oh, advice. 255 00:13:23,050 --> 00:13:24,050 Yes. Oh. 256 00:13:24,110 --> 00:13:26,690 I'm glad you brought that up. Now, look, you started off on the wrong foot 257 00:13:26,690 --> 00:13:28,410 today. You volunteered for that new detail. 258 00:13:28,830 --> 00:13:31,710 Oh, that's a bad deal. Oh, you really pulled a boo -boo there. Looks like a 259 00:13:31,710 --> 00:13:34,830 cinch, doesn't it? Oh, sure. Just inspect the armory doors once. Oh, no, 260 00:13:34,830 --> 00:13:37,570 hidden trap there, kid. You've got to bring in ammunition, clean out the guns, 261 00:13:37,630 --> 00:13:38,750 and rearrange the chairs. 262 00:13:38,970 --> 00:13:42,190 See, I didn't know that. I just read that the order said PTP. 263 00:13:42,950 --> 00:13:45,290 PTP. Oh, I can tell you what that means. 264 00:13:45,550 --> 00:13:46,690 Well, I know what it means. 265 00:13:46,990 --> 00:13:47,969 A jeep. 266 00:13:47,970 --> 00:13:51,710 What's she saying? What is she saying? A jeep. A jeep? What's she talking about? 267 00:13:51,730 --> 00:13:52,389 A jeep? 268 00:13:52,390 --> 00:13:53,910 She called me a tomato. 269 00:13:54,150 --> 00:13:55,150 Did you hear my... 270 00:13:58,569 --> 00:13:59,990 Never mind about him. 271 00:14:00,190 --> 00:14:03,290 She said Jeep. What are you talking about, Jeeps? Here's a poor man with a 272 00:14:03,290 --> 00:14:04,630 bleeding heart from a callous remark. 273 00:14:04,950 --> 00:14:09,170 Never mind about the callous remark. She said Jeep. This is my button. I don't 274 00:14:09,170 --> 00:14:09,749 like my button. 275 00:14:09,750 --> 00:14:15,610 Shut up! The new Bilko with the same old double -crossing ways. Let's get out of 276 00:14:15,610 --> 00:14:18,230 here. Wait a minute, wait a minute. The panel. We've got to play a little poker. 277 00:14:18,230 --> 00:14:21,310 Come on. Poker with you? Why, we look like a suicide squad. 278 00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:26,460 Look, so we... Mess appreciation day. 279 00:14:27,340 --> 00:14:31,120 Grover, look, I can... She called me tomato face. She said, I'm not a thing 280 00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:33,540 call me tomato face. All the time. 281 00:14:35,060 --> 00:14:39,920 You're a pretty cute little operator, huh? 282 00:14:40,790 --> 00:14:42,070 You had me fooled for a minute. 283 00:14:42,290 --> 00:14:43,290 I don't know what you're talking about. 284 00:14:43,530 --> 00:14:46,090 You all don't know what I'm talking about. Oh, yes, you had me camouflaged 285 00:14:46,090 --> 00:14:47,090 those baby blue eyes. 286 00:14:47,350 --> 00:14:50,130 But I'm hip to you now. You're pretty sharp. You know all the abbreviations, 287 00:14:50,130 --> 00:14:53,450 don't you? You're a pretty wise little cookie. Sergeant, if I did anything to 288 00:14:53,450 --> 00:14:55,030 make you mad, well, I'd just die. 289 00:14:55,470 --> 00:14:57,730 Honey, you don't have to die. You tangle with me, you're going to get 290 00:14:57,730 --> 00:14:58,730 annihilated. 291 00:15:00,050 --> 00:15:01,490 Where are those daily reports? 292 00:15:01,910 --> 00:15:04,210 Oh, excuse me, Colonel. I'll take that. 293 00:15:04,690 --> 00:15:05,690 Here, is that it? 294 00:15:06,690 --> 00:15:07,690 What's going on? 295 00:15:14,250 --> 00:15:15,450 Bilko is struck again. 296 00:15:17,490 --> 00:15:18,650 I'll put a stop to this. 297 00:15:19,170 --> 00:15:20,610 Sergeant Hogan? Oh, yes, sir. 298 00:15:22,330 --> 00:15:26,410 Please, withdraw your name from that volunteer detail. 299 00:15:26,750 --> 00:15:28,050 We'll never get anything done. 300 00:15:28,270 --> 00:15:31,330 Oh, Colonel, honestly, I have this fear of no time at all. It's much more than 301 00:15:31,330 --> 00:15:34,890 that. This is just the beginning. You don't know Bilko. He'll find regulations 302 00:15:34,890 --> 00:15:38,050 that the Pentagon doesn't know about. Oh, I can't imagine anything like that. 303 00:15:38,450 --> 00:15:39,450 Colonel, sir. 304 00:15:40,030 --> 00:15:41,030 Sergeant Hogan? 305 00:15:41,290 --> 00:15:45,390 Will you put this lost article, Tracer 2X5, as quickly as possible? Tracer X5? 306 00:15:45,910 --> 00:15:48,410 Where did you dig that one up? Well, sir, that's one of the little old 307 00:15:48,410 --> 00:15:51,550 regulations. I think it was put in the books during the Spanish -American War. 308 00:15:51,870 --> 00:15:53,490 The Spanish -American War. 309 00:15:53,910 --> 00:15:59,210 I don't know if I remember the ruling correctly. I think it says that if an 310 00:15:59,210 --> 00:16:01,950 enlisted man ever loses an article and he's charged with it, he can demand a 311 00:16:01,950 --> 00:16:04,130 record of his entire equipment during his Army career checked. 312 00:16:04,370 --> 00:16:05,370 His whole career? 313 00:16:05,470 --> 00:16:09,570 Yes, let me see now. In 1939, I lost a barracks bag. It had a little hole on 314 00:16:09,570 --> 00:16:11,770 side. Oh, it would take a year to check a thing like that. A year? Well, that's 315 00:16:11,770 --> 00:16:15,170 silly. If Sergeant Hogan devotes all her time to it, as she must do according to 316 00:16:15,170 --> 00:16:18,430 regulation, and has no extra duties to distract her, why, she could have it 317 00:16:18,430 --> 00:16:21,570 cleared up in six months. Six months? Yes, and then she'll have time to take 318 00:16:21,570 --> 00:16:23,110 care of Corporal Barbella's tracer claim. 319 00:16:23,350 --> 00:16:26,230 Yeah, I lost a fatigue cap in Guadalcanal, size six. 320 00:16:28,230 --> 00:16:32,810 I think I can handle this. 321 00:16:33,370 --> 00:16:36,710 Now, Sergeant Bilko, I'll be very happy to start tracing that barracks bag as 322 00:16:36,710 --> 00:16:37,810 soon as you've given me your inventory. 323 00:16:38,330 --> 00:16:39,330 All righty. 324 00:16:41,070 --> 00:16:42,810 Inventory? What inventory? 325 00:16:43,310 --> 00:16:48,510 Surely you know that I can't start checking a tracer claim until I've 326 00:16:48,510 --> 00:16:51,370 classified inventory of every article that you've ever been issued since you 327 00:16:51,370 --> 00:16:52,369 came into the Army. 328 00:16:52,370 --> 00:16:55,310 Well, he's been in the Army 15 years. Well, I can't help it. It was a 329 00:16:55,310 --> 00:16:58,350 put on the books during the Civil War, and it says never... Never mind. 330 00:16:58,690 --> 00:16:59,910 Well, what about your barracks bag? 331 00:17:00,810 --> 00:17:01,890 I just found it. 332 00:17:10,199 --> 00:17:13,540 Well, Sergeant, in all fairness, I'd better leave you with this parting 333 00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:18,079 As they say at Madison Square Garden... Protect yourself at all times. 334 00:17:18,940 --> 00:17:20,099 What are you fussing about? 335 00:17:28,500 --> 00:17:29,840 Truce? Friends? 336 00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:34,300 Sergeant Vilco, I'd just die if you didn't consider me one of your most 337 00:17:34,300 --> 00:17:37,280 and devoted... Good girl. 338 00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:41,840 Look, we got this whole camp in a tizzy, jockeying for position to get that 339 00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:44,740 Jeep. Everybody's all... So what do you say we get it over with real quick? 340 00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:48,820 Anything you say, Sarge. Why don't we just flip a coin, or maybe better, why 341 00:17:48,820 --> 00:17:50,840 don't we just cut cards for it? Cut cards? 342 00:17:51,040 --> 00:17:51,859 What's that? 343 00:17:51,860 --> 00:17:55,360 Well, it's very simple. You cut cards, the high man wins, and the low man, 344 00:17:55,500 --> 00:17:56,780 he withdraws her name. 345 00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:00,260 Or his name. 346 00:18:00,700 --> 00:18:03,820 Now, to cut cards, a half a deck of cards would... Right here. 347 00:18:05,380 --> 00:18:06,380 Jock? 348 00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:07,800 Shuffle them. 349 00:18:12,860 --> 00:18:13,860 Never mind. 350 00:18:16,480 --> 00:18:19,700 Hey, I recognize that shuffle from someplace. 351 00:18:20,180 --> 00:18:21,180 Well, of course. 352 00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:25,020 It's called the Bilko Shuffle. My first sergeant at Camp Collins taught it to 353 00:18:25,020 --> 00:18:26,020 me, Emily Gribble. 354 00:18:26,540 --> 00:18:29,300 Emily Gribble? You know her? She used to go out with me. I know. That's where 355 00:18:29,300 --> 00:18:30,300 she learned about cards. 356 00:18:30,460 --> 00:18:34,680 Emily Gribble. She still in the army? Oh, no, no. She's a dealer in Las Vegas. 357 00:18:40,810 --> 00:18:44,210 to me. I spent my whole career creating a group of Frankenstein. 358 00:18:44,650 --> 00:18:45,950 Listen, friends. 359 00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:49,970 Friends. Let's forget all this bickering. After all, there are other 360 00:18:49,970 --> 00:18:50,970 talk about. 361 00:18:51,150 --> 00:18:54,990 As a friend, will you meet me at the Roseville Roots at 8 o 'clock for a 362 00:18:54,990 --> 00:18:55,990 dancing? 363 00:18:56,090 --> 00:18:57,090 I'd love to. 364 00:18:57,390 --> 00:18:59,710 Well, I hear there's going to be a full moon tonight. 365 00:19:00,290 --> 00:19:01,930 A full moon? 366 00:19:05,570 --> 00:19:06,850 Show her no mercy. 367 00:19:11,880 --> 00:19:13,280 Hey, you know, she's a pretty smart cookie. 368 00:19:13,640 --> 00:19:14,920 How can you be so sure? 369 00:19:15,180 --> 00:19:17,840 How can you be so not... What, have you been living under a carpet? 370 00:19:18,760 --> 00:19:21,340 Fender, it's the Vilco Blitz. Look at the record. 371 00:19:21,580 --> 00:19:23,540 37 consecutive knockouts. 372 00:19:23,880 --> 00:19:25,080 Always the same technique. 373 00:19:25,340 --> 00:19:28,340 Look, I'll show you. I'm Vilco. You're the target for tonight. 374 00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:29,900 May I have this dance? 375 00:19:30,500 --> 00:19:31,500 Hey, dance. 376 00:19:31,620 --> 00:19:33,240 He dances around into the terrace. 377 00:19:33,740 --> 00:19:34,740 Steps into the moonlight. 378 00:19:35,380 --> 00:19:36,580 Shines on his good side. 379 00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:38,560 He sighs. 380 00:19:41,270 --> 00:19:42,790 She grabs for the bait. 381 00:19:43,890 --> 00:19:46,130 Sergeant Bilko, you're sad. 382 00:19:47,170 --> 00:19:50,650 Sad? A sergeant's life is a lonely one. 383 00:19:50,870 --> 00:19:54,590 Here, here, here. If you're going to do it, do it right. A bleak and lonely one. 384 00:19:55,170 --> 00:19:58,910 Sorry. A sergeant's life is a bleak and lonely one. 385 00:19:59,730 --> 00:20:00,730 Six stripes. 386 00:20:01,110 --> 00:20:02,810 Prism bars around my heart. 387 00:20:03,130 --> 00:20:06,250 Do it right. Hold up your arm so she can grab your hand and put it to the gym. 388 00:20:06,250 --> 00:20:07,490 Oh, yeah. Then she takes his hand. 389 00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:09,340 Puts it to her cheek. 390 00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:11,140 A tear falls. 391 00:20:12,500 --> 00:20:15,400 You poor man. 392 00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:18,240 You're too nice a guy to be lonely. 393 00:20:53,149 --> 00:20:54,230 You're sad. 394 00:20:54,810 --> 00:20:55,810 Sad? 395 00:20:56,570 --> 00:20:59,510 A sergeant's life is a bleak and lonely one. 396 00:21:01,290 --> 00:21:02,350 Six stripes. 397 00:21:02,890 --> 00:21:06,030 Each stripe a prison bar around my heart. 398 00:21:06,990 --> 00:21:08,030 What happened? 399 00:21:08,790 --> 00:21:11,410 Honey. What's the matter? You're crying. What's wrong? 400 00:21:11,870 --> 00:21:13,710 Prison bars around your heart? 401 00:21:14,230 --> 00:21:16,510 What do you think a woman soldier goes through? 402 00:21:16,950 --> 00:21:20,370 It's romantic for a man in uniform, but a woman in uniform? 403 00:21:20,650 --> 00:21:24,530 That wall between her and every soft and tender feeling she's got? 404 00:21:24,810 --> 00:21:26,090 Gee, I never thought of that. 405 00:21:52,810 --> 00:21:55,250 again? Come on, honey, I'll walk you back to the post. 406 00:21:58,650 --> 00:21:59,650 Why walk? 407 00:22:00,230 --> 00:22:02,010 I'll drive you there in my Jeep. 408 00:22:05,970 --> 00:22:07,430 Jeep? Bernie! 409 00:22:07,810 --> 00:22:09,070 Coming, dear, coming. 410 00:22:15,590 --> 00:22:17,990 Sergeant Hogan was played by Elizabeth Fraser. 34834

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