All language subtitles for fubar.s02e08.1080p.web.h264-successfulcrab

-I gotta call the White House!
-I thought DEFCON 1 was good.

DEFCON 5 is good.
DEFCON 1 is Armageddon.

Barry, sitrep now.

The missile launch system
must have a failsafe.

It assumes if the nation loses power,
it's because we're under nuclear attack.

Moscow is going totally
völlig verrückt right now.

Their spy satellites see
that your ICBMs are primed

and will ready their own.

This was Cress' plan all along.

He never cared about
knocking out the power.

He... he just wanted to
start a nuclear Armageddon.

This is Cress' radical reset to
wipe out 90% of the population.

Luke, you... you
have to believe me,

I didn't know that any of
this was going to happen.

-I believe you.
-Why do you believe her?

She's the reason we're
in this position.

Because I know her heart.

If we survive this,
I'm locking her ass up.

Reed, call Moscow right now and
let them know what's going on.

The White House and the Pentagon
cannot get through to the Kremlin.

Cress must be jamming
communications somehow.

The Russians aren't gonna sit around
and wait for our missiles to launch.

They're gonna strike first.

Their ambassador
said the same thing.

He's giving us 30 minutes before
their patience and trust runs out,

then the fireworks start.

-What about NORAD?
-They're running a system reset.

It'll take 'em an hour. By
then, we'll all be glowing.

So that's it? I never
got to see Shreveport.

-What's in Shreveport?
-Titties?

You said that you worked with
my father on the Y2K bug, right?

And he said that
the United Kingdom,

they... they put in a backdoor
to the nuclear operation system,

just in case everything just went
bonkers at the turn of the century.

But the States, I mean, you must've
done something similar, surely.

We did. We created
our own backdoor

so we can shut down the missiles
in case of an emergency.

There were four operatives
that were given the password.

-I'm the only one still alive.
-I'll patch you into NORAD now.

No, no. The password is keyed to my
voice, so it has to be done in person.

We don't have time
to go to NORAD.

We just have to get to the closest silo
because they're all hardwired together.

Once I get into the backdoor,

I can go and stand down
all of the missiles.

I got 450 missile silos
within a five-state radius.

There's one 14 miles from there.

I'm gonna regret it, but
I'll get you clearance.

-Let's hit it. Come on.
-Let's go.

Come on. Go. Go.

B, I'm just a few streets away.
You got an update on the address?

Um...

We should have an answer soon.

Tina just walked in.

Hang tight, bro. This
one's gonna sting.

Foreign operative Mukerji,

we've tracked Dante Cress via
his IP address to this street.

Metadata from your cell phone says that
you've been in the vicinity before.

Which one of these
houses is his?

Tell us, and we can see what
we can do about your charges.

Give me five minutes with her, and
she'll tell me everything she knows.

Oh my.

I know you say you don't love
me or care about any of us,

but I don't believe
that you're so cold

that you're willing to live
through a nuclear winter.

Our missiles are
primed to launch,

and Cress is jamming our
communications with Russia.

That's why we need to find him
and stop him from doing that,

so we can communicate to your homeland
that we are not about to attack them

so they don't
preemptively attack us.

Please, Tina.

The house set back
from the road.

Aldon, did you get that?

Yeah, the house set
back from the road.

But my handler, Mikhail
Volek, will be there.

-Your boss is Dante Cress?
-All I know is he's a liar.

He told me everything we
did, we did for Russia.

But it appears he
was Cress all along.

He had me protecting him.

He ordered me to prevent the
team from tracking down Cress.

That's why I held on
to the BlackBerry.

I came to America to
gather intel, not die here.

Sucks to be lied to, huh?

Aldon is never
going to stop Cress

and open communication
with the Russians in time.

Uh, where are you going?

-If you must know...
-Yes.

To call the woman I love.

Hello, Mother, it's Marcus.
I've got some very bad news.

Hey, let's not get negative.

Luke's got this.

I can't remember the password.

-What?
-Are you joking me?

This is why I
bought you fish oil.

Fish oil always makes
my burps smell funny.

Listen, old man,

I don't wanna die because your
brain's clogged with schnitzel

and World War II documentaries.

Don't worry, love.

We'll help you.

Ugh.

Look, I'm sure that
I will remember it

by the time we get to the silo.

You think so?

Because we're here.

Oh God.

Yeah.

Oh shit.

We're getting everything set
up for you, sir. Through here.

-We got eyes on the inside.
-Aren't ICBM facilities air-gapped?

Mission control, yes.
Security cameras, no.

That's a Titan II. I thought they
replaced that with the Minutemen.

Not all of them. This silo hasn't
been upgraded since the early '80s.

We're still using computers with
floppy disks in the control room.

Only NORAD has machines
with voice recognition.

That's why we're hacking
into the missile.

Okay, Dad. It's showtime.

Dig deep.

We need total recall.

Ah, shit.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey,
mate. Look, you can do it.

Was it a numerical code?
Was it... was it a word?

No, we were able
to just make it up.

I think it was in the
zeitgeist back then.

It... it was something that
people said all the time.

-Was it "talk to the hand"?
-No.

-"Don't go there"?
-No.

-"The tribe has spoken"?
-"Tabasco my asshole"?

Nobody said that.

It was something visual.

-A movie. "May the force be with you."
-No.

-"I'll be back."
-No.

-"I'm the king of the world."
-No.

"Do I make you horny?"

A little. But I'm trying
to focus here, Mrs. B.

It's a commercial!

-"Got milk?"
-"I can't believe it's not butter!"

-"Where's the beef?"
-"Yo quiero Taco Bell."

No, it's none of that.

How about "I've fallen,
and I can't get up"?

That was the '80s.

And you should focus on killing Cress
or Volek or whatever his name is.

We're running out of time here.

Come on, big guy. Just
remember that shit,

I'll buy you a case of IPAs, and we can
celebrate saving the world together.

Beer!

It's a... it's a
beer commercial.

I got it.

Just speak the
password here, sir.

What's... up?

Have to say it louder, sir.

-What's up?
-Say it like you mean it, man.

Say it like the world
is depending on you.

Whassup?!

-You're in.
-What?

Yeah!

That worked?

All we need to do now is just
enter some basic commands,

and I can get us
back to DEFCON 5.

What about the other
449 land-based ICBMs?

See this red comm cable?

Any command sent through this missile
will relay it to every nuke on US soil.

Still ten minutes
till we switch shifts.

Hey, Barry, what... what
am I looking at here?

Well, it looks like
satellite flight paths.

-Those are DSCS satellites.
-You know that?

Everyone in Russian intel knows that
we attach spy hubs to your sats.

That's how I knew about the extra weight
on the satellite Barry was trying to hit.

When you saved me?

When I saved the asset I worked
so hard to compromise, yes.

But Volek seems to have
reprogrammed the hubs

to change them from
spying on communications

to blocking communications.

Okay, but how do we turn
these little spy boxes off?

Volek.

Shit. Barry, how long
until backup gets to Aldon?

Too long.

My team is closing in on you.

You're good as dead, Volek.

Or should I say Cress?

If you had backup,
they'd already be here.

You came alone.

You crazy Americans, huh?

All want to be cowboys.

And I'm not Dante Cress.

But I am.

You sneaky little shit.

All warfare is
based on deception.

That was you on the voice box.

Actually, it was Volek reading
off a script that I gave him

after things went
south at Beaumont Lake.

And I thought we
could trust you.

Live and learn,
mate. Live and learn.

Drop your guns.

Guns down.

Raise your hands, or
this young lady dies.

Chips, do not shoot that airman.

As you wish, m'lady.

Do you now realize the
severity of the situation?

Luke, finish accessing
missile control.

Now!

We're already inside.

At least you get to
die with your boots on,

just like John Wayne.

-Barry, do something.
-Like what?

Look at you. You American,
you get so used to winning.

But now, it's Volek's time.

The little boy from Tolyatti,

kept from the highest ranks of the SVR
by internal politics and petty grudges,

shows them all by helping
to reset this world

and claiming all of the
motherland and Asia as his prize.

A Cinderella story!

Do you believe in miracles, huh?

Yeah!

Hamsteak, you can drive?

No, Aldon. I hacked the
car's self-driving system.

You can talk?

Well, it seems like Aldon will
live to see the bombs fall.

If he finds the
shelter in the basement

that Volek was gonna ride
out the nuclear storm in,

then, ugh, I'm gonna
have to kill him too.

Oh well, future problems.

Speaking of the future,

Emma, I actually still
do have feelings for you.

I do.

Why don't you come with me? We'll
repopulate the world, together.

With sex.

I'd rather die.

Then I'll sadly grant your wish.

You know, Luke, your admiration
for my father was reciprocated.

He told me all about you,

your escapades and your forbidden
relationship with Greta.

You were legendary.

I learned all about your Y2K
work and how, just like Britain,

America created a
backdoor into the system

as a precaution in case, you know, the
computers misbehave on New Year's Eve.

And since you're the only one
still left alive who can access it,

I joined up with Greta.

Came to you with my pedigree,
my sad little story.

She fell for it, as you all did.

I knew once Greta's name popped
up that the CIA would be drawn in.

And inevitably you, and
eventually, we'd end up here,

and you giving me access
to the missile system.

You know my reputation, Luke.

Dante Cress always
thinks ten moves ahead.

Stop that son of a bitch.

-Doesn't he need launch codes?
-Launch codes are for a remote launch.

He's hardwired right into the missile,
so he can just enter a launch command.

Officer Reese, you need to shut down the
communication blocks on this satellite

so we can tell the
Russians to stand down.

I can understand Russian, sir,

but I still can't
understand any of this shit.

It's just jamming software.
I can talk you through it.

The command code
is in, and send.

Ha!

Your launch order never left
the building, fish 'n' dicks.

That may be so, but it did
send to this one, so...

Fueling commenced.

Shit.

Russia will see it
coming, she'll retaliate,

then America will fire back,
and all will be beautiful.

Too bad you won't
live to see it.

You know, these silos,
they have fallout shelters.

It wasn't my original
idea, but it'll suffice.

Right, but you'd have to get through us
to get to it, and that's not happening.

"You know, amidst the chaos,
there's always opportunity."

Captain Kangaroo.

That's Sun Tzu, idiot.

Agree to disagree.

-Dad!
-Don't worry about me.

I have to figure out how to
stop the missile from launching.

You guys handle that.
I'm going after Chips.

This thing's fried. We won't
be able to stop the launch.

Maybe we can stop it fueling.

Give her a hand while Greta and I try
to figure out how to disarm the warhead.

Copy that.

-How long do we have?
-Standard is T-minus five minutes.

You've already burned
close to 20% of that.

Barry, send me the
schematics to my phone, now.

Aldon, update.

Putting in Barry's codes,
hoping for the best.

Emma, be careful!

Worried about his child.

Must be nice to have
a father like that.

Look, I get it. Your dad
died for no good reason.

But... you can't kill billions
of people because of it.

You know, I wasn't completely
honest with you, Emma.

Yes, I was shot, and yes,
I was crying out in pain.

But my father was more concerned
about me giving up our position,

so he tried to smother me.

My own father tried
to smother me.

And I fought back.

With the little strength that
I had left, I fought back,

and I reached out,
and I strangled him.

I strangled my hero to
death with my bare hands.

And we looked into each other's eyes
in disbelief that it was happening.

The rest of what I
told you is true.

You know, it was a mission
to cover up a sex scandal,

which, it turns out, my
father knew about, by the way.

You know, he was
willing to kill me

to protect some... some
wanker fucking politician

because the government
had given him orders.

You know I...

I loved him.

I worshiped him, and he...

I meant nothing to him.

You were betrayed and hurt. You
don't end the world over it.

No, no, no. That's actually
exactly what you do.

What kind of world do we live in
where a father murders his own boy,

a boy who adores him, just to
keep gossip out of The Mirror?

-Yeah, that's pretty fucked up.
-The world is a cesspool.

You need someone to
shake the Etch A Sketch.

Come on.

Shake it with me, baby.

One last chance.

I'll take that as a no.

Second stage tank is fueled,

but if we can shut it off
before the first stage fills,

that'll stop the countdown.

-How do we do it?
-Uh, that wheel.

It's stuck.

Hasn't been upgraded
since the early '80s.

If we live through this,

I'm gonna send a strongly worded
letter to my congressperson.

Give me a hand.

I'm pretty strong.

Fueling complete.

It's happening. It's happening!

Damn it.

Oh shit, you're alive.

Got my collarbone, missed my
heart. But my leg's broken.

Come with me. Come on, hurry.

-You have your ID?
-Yeah.

-Stay here. I will get you help.
-Okay.

Okay, remove red panel
marked "caution."

These are my least
favorite kind of panels.

Are they trained in nuclear
physics or something?

No, Mrs. Brunner.

A conventional explosive device starts
the whole nuclear chain reaction.

It's just like that bomb that we
disarmed on that yacht in Monaco.

Afterwards, we were
all alone on the boat,

and we made love on the
deck under the stars.

Sex on a boat.

Must be his thing.

Three minutes to launch.

There's a red and a blue.

Okay, I'll take the
red. It's closer.

All right.

-We cut on three. One, two, three.
-One, two, three.

Warhead deactivated.

Aldon, are you done?

We need to let Russia know
that we're shooting blanks.

Yes. Phone lines are open and
operators are standing by.

Calling it in now.

Two minutes to launch.

-This isn't over.
-Why not?

Let me guess, the Russians
didn't believe you.

It doesn't matter we
deactivated the warhead.

The Russians will think
it's an operable nuke.

The minute it leaves our airspace,
the Kremlin will retaliate.

What about Tina? She's one of
them. They'll listen to her.

She's in our custody. The Russians
will assume she's being coerced.

Gotta figure out something quick,
boss. This bird flies in 90 seconds.

Seconds, that's it.
The second stage.

-I think I'm following you, Greta.
-What the hell is she talking about?

The missile, it has two engines.

The first-stage engine acts as
a booster and gets it airborne.

After a few minutes,
that stage falls off.

Then the second stage takes over

and flies the missile
to its target.

The first stage of electronics is
too high up. It cannot be reached.

But the second stage of wiring
is just five feet above you.

Disable it, and the
missile will still launch,

but it won't leave our airspace.

It'll drop back to the ground like
a disarmed dud of a bottle rocket.

Seventy seconds. Less
verbiage, more sabotage.

It'll take at least 90
seconds to disable it all.

Then I have to go on a ride.

-No!
-No!

It's the only way,
and you know it.

We don't have enough
time to argue.

Is there enough time
for one last kiss?

Goodbye, Luke.

Greta! Get out of there!

It's too late for
that, Liebling.

You have so much to live for.

Your family, your team.

I know that you love me, Luke,
but you're not in love with me.

You lied to me to save the
world, but you love Tally.

I could see it in your eyes.

You've always loved her,
and you always will.

You're gonna die!

But not...

Not in vain.

I guess you're right.

I do have goodness in my heart.

I think you put it there.

Hate to interrupt the goodbye, but
according to the lovely Airman Mendez,

at T-minus 15 seconds, the blast
doors will automatically close

and anyone left out there in
the silo will end up well done.

Copy.

Shit.

Emma, get the hell out of there.

Twenty seconds.

Goodbye, my love.

Fifteen seconds.

Blast doors secure. Ten...

-Emma!
-Emma!

-...nine, eight...
-Come on, say something.

-I'm okay.
-...seven...

six,

five,

four,

three,

two...

The red line marks the
edge of US airspace.

If your lady friend can't keep that
missile from crossing that line...

We are all totally fluffed.

Look who I found.

Nice. Where's your boyfriend?

Seared into the launch pad.

Barbecue Chips.

Tell them... tell them
we're trying to disable it.

Tell them not to launch.

Greta, can you hear me?

You can do this.

First-stage booster
empty and detaching.

Second booster rocket
should take over... now.

The missile failed!

-Yeah!
-Yes!

Oh my God!

Yes!

Yes! Hammy.

Yes!

You like Cheesecake Factory?

I'll do it, Dad.

Director Reed.

Uh, yes, sir.

I have visual confirmation.

Greta Nelso did
not survive impact.

Official status is KIA.

Copy that.

Greta!

You're alive!

Hello, Liebling.

Sorry for the theatrics. I couldn't
get the door open from the inside.

How is this possible?

Oh, this is the stuff that clogs
up the turbines at the dam.

Impact absorbing,

originally engineered by
DARPA to stop suicide bombers,

wrapped around me.

Took the brunt of the impact.

A few cracked ribs,
still standing.

You are the best
operative I've ever known.

Well, I think this is the
end of Greta Nelso, the spy.

I've got 500 million
reasons to move on.

-Well, I'm always here if you need me.
-I know.

Goodbye, love.

You will always be
my best of times.

And... and thank you for
not... How did you put it?

Not locking my ass up?

Saving my friends, my family,
and about eight billion people

earns you a get-out-of-jail-free
card, I guess.

Mmm.

Keep an eye on your
old man for me.

And you thought I
was compromised.

I'm so sorry, Dad.

I really struggled
with what to do.

I... I went back and forth on the decision,
and in the end, I chose work over family,

which is the same thing I
constantly give you shit for.

-I was stupid.
-No, you weren't stupid.

You had good reasons to
believe that I was compromised.

And you did what you did
in order to protect others.

But when it came down to it
and the world was in jeopardy

and Reed asked you
to shoot Greta,

you sided with me.

And you saved countless lives.

So you chose work and family.

Which is something that
I never could have done.

Thanks.

But hold on.

Why did you say

that I had good reason to
believe you were compromised?

Oh, about that.

Your mother and I may
have put on an act.

Okay, everyone...
Everyone, take a breath.

I have something to say,

and it's going to be a
little hard to swallow.

But you need to hear it.

Simply put, your
relationship is over.

-You're out of your mind.
-No, no, no.

I'm not saying you should
actually end the relationship.

Just pretend to.

I've been working on this for
15 years to get this woman back.

I know, but there's another
woman in your life now,

and according to you, she's the
greatest spy you've ever known.

One with impeccable
skills and no weakness.

Save for one.

You.

How does us breaking up
help him defeat Greta?

If Greta thinks that there's
even the tiniest sliver of hope

of getting back
together with you,

then maybe you, her one true
love, can talk her into things.

Such as not destroying the world

so the two of you can live
together happily in it.

But it can't come from you.

She has to hear
about it secondhand,

from somebody she's
trusted before.

-Chips.
-Exactly.

And he's MI6, the
son of a master spy,

so he'll instantly
pick up on insincerity

if everybody around him is
trying to sell him on something.

So all the others have to fully
believe we're broken up too.

Bingo.

Hmm.

Wait till you see
how hard I can throw.

So you and Mom are still...

More in love than ever.

Now, Schatzel, you know I don't think
there's any man ever good enough for you.

But should you ever find
that special someone,

I hope that they are capable

of that complete and unselfish
love that your mother gives me.

I hope so too.

-Wasn't your mother fantastic?
-Yeah.

Huh? I mean she could have
been a spy. She was badass.

You know I always wondered
where I got it from.

Oh.

Wise ass.

Oh, stop.

I pull a mad scheme All
around the north side

We did it, my old friend.

Every time I try...

There you go. This is perfect.

...crazy 'bout a north side gal

Aldon?

I got some good talk...

I've been meaning
to commend you.

From all accounts, you've become a
caring and attentive father to Hamsteak.

You've shown tremendous growth.

Thank you, Dr. P.

You know when he went back
into that meatpacking plant

and then almost got shot,

I truly felt for the first
time in my whole life

what it really means to care for something
so much more than I care for myself,

and all the fear and the pain and
the vulnerability that come with it.

I am so proud of you.

You have made a
wonderful breakthrough.

And what's your takeaway
from that experience?

-Oh, it sucks.
-Huh?

Yeah, it sucks giant putrid ass.

Not for me, no way. I am never
putting myself through that again.

I'm going back to worrying
about three people,

me, myself, and Aldon.

But what about Hamsteak?

Gave him away.

Yeah.

Heart of steel.

Didn't even bother me.

Hopefully the pig
learned something.

Oh.

They're called neuticals.

Frankly, they look a heck of a lot
better than before. You want to see?

I do not. But, uh,
congratulations. Proud of you.

-I do love them.
-Oh good.

And thank you for not
letting those bikers kill me.

-You're a good friend.
-No, I told you we are not...

You know what? I think we are
maybe pretty good friends.

-Hell yeah!
-There you go.

Exactly, just like
Franklin and Bash.

Yeah, maybe next, we
should start a law firm.

Franklin and Bash are lawyers?

Uh...

Crazy 'bout a north side gal

Now listen, doc,

I know I've been hard on you
ever since you came around.

Mmm. Yes, you called
me soda names.

-I mean...
-I know.

I'm very protective of
my family and my friends.

You were kind of
like an outsider.

But I just wanted you to know
I think the world of you.

Could have never gone through this
tremendously challenging time without you.

You've been a tremendous
asset to our team.

Well, thank you.

Thank you very much for that.

You know, I've never actually
been a part of a team before.

I never even got
picked in gym class.

Their loss.

Thank you for everything.

Okay.

All of 'em try

They're crazy 'bout
a north side gal

Well, I said They're crazy
'bout a north side gal

Sorry, I'm sorry
to ruin the fun,

but I have news that I think
you'll all want to hear.

Got off the horn
with the 7th floor.

Dante Cress has been officially
classified as neutralized, as has Greta.

The threat to the
electrical grid is no more.

I also have this.

Putt, if you will.

Thank you.

It was anonymously
dropped off this morning.

Forensics have been all over
it, but they found jack.

The individuals being killed
here have one thing in common.

Our intel shows they all purchased
your private information from Boro.

We don't know who's
behind the killings,

but to get it done this
fast and efficiently,

they had to have connections
and a lot of money.

-Yeah, 500 million.
-Greta.

And now, I have one
last thing for you.

Hi, Meemaw. Hi, Pee-Pa.

Someone else also
wants to say hi.

My baby.

Yes, thattaboy. Good boy.

Thank you, Uncle Aldon, for
Hamsteak. I love him so much.

So do I.

Bye, pal.

Also, the man from Pee-Pa's work
says we can all go home now.

What?

-Back to normal!
-It's true!

Back to normal!

-Hey!
-Hey, buddy!

Oh yeah.

Ah.

Hold up. Hold up. Unfortunately,
not everyone can go home.

We got a call from the FBI.

Mr. Luna, Mr. Perlmutter,

is it possible you did something to anger
the biker gang known as Azrael's Knights?

-No.
-We might have... killed one of them.

-What?
-Was an accident.

-I was on PCP.
-I'm only human.

PCP?

Well, that guy is the nephew of a very
high-ranking member of that organization,

and now there's a million-dollar
bounty on your heads.

-The air conditioner fell on his head.
-Yes!

And I am not going back
to that safe house.

Well, you're in luck.

Azrael's Knights have
chapters in every state.

There's not a place in
America that's safe for you.

We've arranged for you to hide
out at a CIA listening post

in Saqqaq, Greenland.

We believe we can resolve the biker
threat within the next 48 months.

-Okay, we can do this.
-Yeah.

Four... four to eight months?

Forty-eight months.

Are you out of
your fucking mind?

This is Reed.

Ooh! Forty-eight months?

You're gonna need
this, my friend.

Space Juggs lead to space tugs,

so have fun.

Let's not end this on a
downer. I have a big surprise.

Come on in.

What's this?

I'm gonna retire.

Again.

And Tally and I, we're gonna sail
around the world with my ship.

Finally, right?

Retirement?

-Are you sure?
-100%.

I know, it's happening.

I'm not sure what this team
will be like without you.

I'm more worried about what the
team is gonna do without you

because I heard you
were accepted in Unit 9.

So congratulations.

Um, thanks.

Uh, I turned it down.

Why? That's what
you always wanted.

Yeah. I mean, I... I thought so.

But this group, these guys...

I mean, they'll need at least
one Brunner to keep them in line.

Yeah.

No crunchies?

They're for children.

-I hate you.
-Why don't you order it next time?

-Maybe I will.
-Well, will you?

Bad news.

We just learned the Great
Dane is in Russian custody.

He was picked up in Alaska
to see what he knows,

which now they
realize is nothing.

-I could've told you that.
-They'll make a trade for Tina.

-They want their asset back.
-Could they just keep him?

Tally, this is my fault. I should've
made sure he comes home safe.

So I go and do the trade.

It's my last mission.

No one left behind.

Except me. I'm out of here.

I'm going back to Toledo where
I don't have to deal with yahoos

crashing a spaceship and
destroying multiple power plants,

and a, oh, yeah,
nuclear Armageddon.

You're Roo's problem now.
She's your new director.

Yes! Fuck yeah.

Whoo!

All right, Farkas, go
get my office chair.

Yes, ma'am.

Roo, you're the boss, so you tell
Luke he's not going anywhere.

Mmm. Uh-uh.

Tally...

No. No, you just had a
bullet taken out of your arm.

We're gonna go home.

I'm gonna take care of
you, and you're gonna rest.

That's it and that's all.

-She's right, Luke.
-Hey, I can run it, big guy.

It's an easy prisoner
swap. No fuss, no muss.

Oh, so you all want me to
just blow off this mission

so that I get taken care of
and babied by my ex-wife?

Yeah.

Well, that doesn't bode
well with me, all right?

On the other hand, getting
babied by my fiancée...

You know, I've never stopped
being in love with you,

and I'm not gonna
mess it up this time.

So, Tally,

will you do me the honor

and be my wife, again?

Yes.

Now I get to ruin their wedding.

Let's do it again.

Yay, you guys!

-Wow.
-Come on.

-Yes.
-Congratulations.

Hey. Getting a pick-me-up before
you head to Finland to get the Dane?

Yep. You comin'?

Uh, no. No, I'm... I'm gonna
help my mom with something.

You okay? You don't seem
like your usual rizzy self.

Eh... I miss my pig.

When you really care for someone,
it's hard to let them go.

Anyway, I'll see you around.

Yeah, okay.

Aldon, do you maybe wanna
grab dinner when you're back?

Yeah, I'd love that.

I could use a good friend hang.

Moderne Barn? I love
their dumplings.

Sounds great.

Okay.

You first.

This doesn't look
like Euro Disney.

Aldon! What's up, man? It's
so good to see you guys.

He told me we were
going to Euro Disney,

and I was like, "What?
That place sucks."

You got a wicked sense of humor,
Vlad. You're a real prankster.

Bring it in. Give
me that tight tight.

All right, Barry... our turn.

Prisoner swap!

Prisoner swap!

This is it.

You are leaving forever.

Tell me it all wasn't a lie.

Barry, I've got four other
guys in Europe just like you.

They all think I'm
their true love.

You need to stop being a fool.

Hope you brought some 2-ply
'cause they only got single.

What's up?

What up, dork?

Prisoner swap!

Prisoner swap!

Prisoner swap!

I'm so sorry this is
happening, Carter.

This is not what anyone wanted.

But, you know, for what it's worth, I
think you're gonna be great out there.

Think of it as an adventure.

I wish I'd never met you.

Donnie, I'm really sorry
it turned out this way.

I truly loved you, once.

You're the worst
person in the world.

Stop gabbing. This
is a workin' boat.

Head below and grab your gear.

I... You really couldn't
have got us an airplane?

Go!

Have fun.

Hey, the, uh, comrades filled me
in on the whole Tina situation.

And, you know, just so you
know, for what it's worth,

you don't need that red widow.

She's not even a good spy.

My sources said that half the
intel she gave her handlers

was inaccurate information.

-What do you mean?
-Like how you smuggled me into Greece?

Apparently, she reported to the SVR
that you were in Papua New Guinea.

That doesn't make sense.

She knew where we were. She worked
with Barry that whole mission.

She was also talking about
some honeypot in Uzbekistan.

We never went to Uzbekistan.
That was Moldova.

She loves me!

She was giving them
chicken feed to protect us!

Why did she say she
never loved you?

So it wouldn't hurt when she
left. It still did though.

Like when Charlie told Bumblebee
she didn't want him around.

Why else would she
purposely give false intel

unless she really had
become a member of the team

and... had fallen in love?

Un pequeño problema.

I might have reported Tina's discrepancies
to Rusti and Igor back there,

to kinda knock her
down a few pegs.

I did do it for you, Barry.

Broskis before Ruskies.

Do you have any
idea what you did?

You just got Tina killed.

Whoops.

Let's get rid of that plant
and one of the filing cabinets.

Keep the coat rack.

On it.

This is your new kick-ass
director, Roo Russell.

Press two for the shitty
outgoing director.

Roo Roo, Tina was on our
side. She's one of us.

We have to get her back
or they'll kill her.

Crap on a kaiser!

The 7th floor is never gonna
authorize a mission onto Russian soil

to retrieve a
confirmed Russian spy.

Then we do it without
permission. We go rogue.

He's right, pal. We have
to break into Russia.

Good luck with all that.

Well, madam, it looks like
you're in charge of this mess.

What's that military term for when
everything goes totally to shit?