All language subtitles for Til Death s04e02 Doug and Ally Return

All right, Joy Joy.

This is the spot. This is where I'm
going to put the jacuzzi. You're really

serious about that?

Honey, this is something I've wanted my
whole life. A bubbling cauldron of hot

water that I could stick my big circus
tuchus in right here.

I'm going to make my own pot of any
soup.

As long as your matzo balls aren't in
it. Okay, go ahead, scoff. But it just

happens there are many therapeutic
benefits about having a jacuzzi. Name

Number one.

It tightens your scrotum. Salt!

Do you know that the people in Iceland,
you know what they do? They jump out of

the hot water, they roll around in the
snow, and they jump back in. It's

fantastic. Yeah, but Eddie, you're not
going to do any of that. You're going to

sit in it, drink in it, and pee in it.

Let me do that.

But listen, I want to tell you
something. I've got a surprise for you.

what I'm putting right next to the
jacuzzi? Your own nude beach.

You know what I think of when I hear
nude beach?

Sandy cracks.

She was always in the nurse's office
because she was always chafing. Hey, do

know that legend has it she produced a
pearl?

Say it.

Ta -ta.

Come on.

What the hell is that thing?

Wait, I'll get the gun. We have a gun?
What? No, of course not. Hi, Mom.

Ecuador changed my life? Really?

Why? Is Doug dead?

No, he's in the RV.

Damn. Honey, come out and say hola.

Ta -da!

Oh, God.

Hey, Mommy, Dad.

Okay, all right.

Okay, take it easy. Look, you know what?
Let's nip the familiarity thing in the

bud, okay? We're not your mom and dad.

This is Joy, and I'm Eddie.

Well, technically speaking...

You are now Doug's father -in -law.

Ellie and I are married.

I'm going to get me the vodka.

So anyway, there we were, standing in a
clearing of the rainforests of Ecuador.

When the shaman... Shaman?

Not a rabbi? He just killed Nana.

Go ahead, Doug.

As I was saying, the shaman pronounced
his soulmates forever.

Okay, all right, that's good.

So far, I don't hear anything legal or
binding.

Well, not by the white man's law.

Doug, you are the white man.

Let me understand something.

Are you two married or not?

In our hearts and in our souls, yes, we
are.

How about for tax purposes?

Well, no, but since we've rejected the
entire socioeconomic system, the tax

is irrelevant to us. That's right. See,
we don't really believe in money, Daddy.

They don't believe in money, Daddy.

That's going to come in real handy when
you want to buy stuff.

No, no, my little tree frog.

Not our father's fault.

He's just a product of years of
institutionalized brainwashing. Called

What a waste of time. Yeah. See, we no
longer believe in school.

Excellent.

Doug, you were a teacher.

Yes, I admit. I drank the Kool -Aid.

Until Ecuador.

Is that anywhere near Ecuador?

As I was saying, it was in Ecuador that
I realized school is

rotten with the white man's lies.

Okay, Doug, again, you are the white
man, okay?

Any whiter, you'd be on Fox News.

Don't call him names.

He's a visionary. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,
he's a visionary with a vision of his

own ass. Daddy!

Trying to be self -sufficient.

You know, no credit cards, no processed
foods, no material goods. So, homeless.

Well, um, actually, we were hoping that
we could park the RV in your backyard.

This puts a damper on the nude beach.

Well, not really, sir. Allie and I are
nude most of the time. Hey, darling,

here. Come here, listen.

If I ever see your trouser flower, I'm
going to snip it off like a rosebud.

Trouser flower?

Yes, your little penis fly trap.

Understood, sir.

Don't worry, Daddy. You won't even know
we're here. We're going to be totally

self -sustaining. That's right. We're
going to plant our own garden. Whoa,

whoa. See, when you say something like
garden, that implies seeds and roots.

and harvesting, and that also implies
you being here a very long time, which

impossible because this area has been
designated as my jacuzzi oasis.

How long are you guys planning on
staying?

Two years, Matt.

Two years?

Well, it'll take us that long after
living in the jungle to be completely

of parasites.

Ironic, huh?

Come into our home. I will give you the
grand tour.

Oh, God.

I hate my life.

Go ahead, take your shoes off, sir.

Or not.

Oh, this is nice, huh, Eddie?

Smells like Willie Nelson in here.

All I can see is down.

Oh, try getting on your knees, sir.

Or not.

Back up, Daddy. There's a skylight right
behind you. Huh?

This is great. It's like I'm not even
with you.

Yeah, it's tiny in here. I don't know
why you're being so critical. The who

liked it. Which who?

The band or the who that Horton heard?

The band.

Come on, Mom, I'll show you around.
Okay.

Let's have the grand tour.

Okay.

Move, Eddie.

I'm stuck. This thing wasn't made for a
guy my size.

Neither was I.

The angel got its wings.

See,

we're trying to be as efficient as
possible and leave a small carbon

And you're going to do that by traveling
around the world in a giant gas

-guzzling bus.

Aha! Don't aha me, Doug, okay?

Sorry, sir, I was just going to make the
point that this bus has been converted

to run on vegetable oil.

Ah!

It smells like French fries in here.

You know, I got to tell you, I swear, if
Chanel made a perfume that smelled like

this, I would actually like the French.

You know what else is cool?

We recycle our own urine.

I'm about to recycle my own lunch.

All right, that's it.

Okay, all right.

Joy, butter my head and get me the hell
out of here.

No, I mean, who would have thought that
she would go live in the jungle with

this guy and instead of dumping the bum,
she fake marries him? I don't know.

Well, at least we can maybe throw a
window on the side of that thing and

tacos.

But we'd have to change the horn to...
Okay,

go ahead.

Yeah,

but you know what? This is the problem.
If she legally marries him, then we can

never shake the bum.

I can't understand how the Allie I know
would hook up with some do -gooder freak

who eats tofu and gives a rat's ass
about the environment.

I know. We raised her worse than that.

Maybe this is just a phase.

Did you remember when you used to
believe in all that romantic love crap

you were her age?

Tell me about it.

Love at first sight.

You can't get pregnant the first time.

Soulmate.

Soulmates, yeah. Like, out of all the
billion people on Earth, you're going to

be the one lucky son of a bitch to find
your one and only.

Like I did.

You think I'm one in a billion?

That's what you took from all of that?

Honey, listen, absolutely. I mean, I
feel that I am the luckiest guy.

In the room.

Let me in.

Okay, come on.

Come on over here. Oh, Big Red, come
here. Put that paw around me.

You know what?

Maybe it was just a phase.

Remember when Allie was a little girl
and she thought she was a pony and I had

to strap her breakfast to her face?

And we made all that money giving horsey
rides to the kids in the neighborhood.

Hey, make me feel a little better and
put a french fry in my mouth.

Now, when you say french fry, you
mean... I mean french fry. Okay, coming

And there you go.

See that?

Food is love, right?

Hey, Joy Joy, this is how we do it. We
win her back with food.

Yeah, well, we cook up all the stuff
that she loves to eat, we put it in a

bucket, and we strap it to her face.

That could actually work. That could
absolutely work.

And now, Joy Joy, get ready for the
debut of my evil scientist laugh.

they did.

Take the gun.

Don't need it.

More noise.

Nay, nay.

Wow, it smells great in here.

Honey, check it out.

Ta -da!

Apples and fried chicken.

Allie's favorite.

Oh, God.

Chicken.

You didn't.

Honey, of course not. This is store
-bought yard bird right here. I gave the

idiot's rooster to the guy who works at
the bakery. He has to be up at five in

the morning. And now he has his very own
alarm cock.

Alarm cock, everybody.

I love you.

I think something bad happened to Mr.
Sunrise.

Do you think he met with foul play?

Allie, there's nothing funny about this.

He was the best man at our wedding.

I shared a confined space with that
rooster all the way from Ecuador. He was

your friend. I'm not going to miss a
little cluck. It's just the matter of

disappearance that has me disturbed.

I mean, your father was holding a trash
bag with something in it that looked an

awful lot like there was a rooster
there.

Allie?

Allie? What's going on?

Hey, what smells so good?

Hey, honey, I'm cooking a waffle.

Help yourself.

Don't be ridiculous, Eddie. They eat
organic food. This has processed flour

trans fats.

Ooh, trans fats.

I'm too glad you don't eat stuff like
this anymore because it's delicious.

Oh, I eat stuff like this. I don't know.
Not now that you're Mrs. What's -His

-Face.

It's poison. Would you try your body to
the point where it can metabolize

acorns?

Yeah, you know, he's right, honey.
You've lived a very pure lifestyle. I

you don't want to ruin it now with a
beautiful, syrupy, warm waffle, do you?

Oh, syrupy, warm waffle.

But you know what? If you're hungry, you
can go across the street and munch on

that oak tree.

Yes? Would you like whipped cream on
your waffles?

Now, when you say waffles, do you... I
mean waffles. Okay, well... I don't know

what's gotten into you. Have you
forgotten the vows that we made in

Well, they were in Spanish, so I never
really knew what they meant.

Yeah, well, I didn't either, but I
assume that they meant that our love is

beautiful and pure.

Our love is beautiful, Doug, but our
lives have changed. We're not in the

anymore.

Is that why you stopped wearing the
banana leaf thong?

No, uh, remember those tamales that I
made the other day?

That's what I wrapped them in.

So, uh, you're not wearing any
underwear.

That's what you took from that?

Doug, I want to live like a normal
person.

Allie, I was afraid of this.

The Ecuadorian druid said you'd return
to your old lifestyle and be seduced

from me. They also said that the Earth
is a giant turtle egg waiting to hatch

through the druid. Oh, oh, nice.

Allie, screw the druid. You kiss your
mother with that mouth? I'd rather shove

cheeseburger in it.

All right, you know what?

I don't even know you anymore.

I'm going to be alone in the other room.

How did our little girl end up living in
a FEMA trailer with a putz?

how it works, honey. Sometimes you just
gotta let your kids go and hope they

don't come back smelling like strangers.

So what's our plan?

Plan? Why do we always have to have a
plan?

What, do you think we're living in a
sitcom?

Not this week, I don't.

You know why?

Because I have a question.

A very frightening, not funny question,
Joy. You want to hear it?

Not funny is your specialty.

Thank you.

What if he's really in love with her, or
worse, she's really in love with him,

and what if they are, and I'm vomiting a
little just saying this, happy

together?

What a horrible thought.

Hey, guys.

Ooh, is that bacon? What's going on
here?

Oh, just having some breakfast.

Oh, I love bacon. Is that real bacon?

Uh -huh.

Bacon, bacon?

Uh -huh. Big candy?

Yeah, Daddy.

I thought you guys weren't eating that
stuff anymore.

Well, I'm not, but Allie enjoys it.

What? I thought you were dead set
against her eating like a human being.

Oh, he was. In fact, Doug and I had a
giant fight last night. But then we made

up. Yeah, pretty much all night. Okay.

and Kama Sutra, and then we busted out
the webcam.

All right, we're done. Let's get back to
the bacon.

Please. Oh, okay. We came to a
compromise.

That's right.

See, we realized that our love is big
enough to contain my deeply held beliefs

as well as Allie's need for pork and
cable TV.

I see. And how did you come up with this
amazing realization?

Well, actually, because of you two.

That's right.

See, we realized that you two love each
other, and...

You guys aren't really like each other.
In fact, it's like you're from two

different planets.

If I hear the word Uranus, it's your
ass.

I think it's pronounced Uranus, sir.

Is that how they say it in Ecuador?

all your differences in spite of all,
you know, the slamming doors and broken

lamps and screaming fights and knock
-down, drag -out drunken brawls and

ignoring the fact that the first word
that I ever learned still can't be said

network television, you guys remain
together and appear to be happy. So we

figure that if we can do half as well as
you two have done, we'll be a six -up.

Congratulations, Joy. We've lowered the
bar.

Are you happy, sweetie?

Yes, Mom.

You hear that, Eddie? Yeah. She's happy.

Yeah. Well, my girls are happy. I'm
happy.

I guess we're just one happy family.

Does this mean that you accept me as
part of the family?

Yes.

I accept you in the same way I accept my
septic tank as part of the house.

What you doing, babe?

I'm just saying goodbye to the jacuzzi,
the nude beach, and our property value.

Come on, Eddie. It's not the end of the
world.

Our little girl's in love.

No reason we all can't get along.

Too early to start drinking? Nope.

Is that bacon?

Uh -huh. Real bacon?

Uh -huh. Pig candy?

Yes, Daddy.

Wow.

I didn't say bacon -bacon before.

Really? Well, you should say it, because
it's good.

Whoa, I'm in the crack.

Two years? Wait, wait, wait.

I'm going to say, how long are you
planning on staying? Oh, okay. Well,

got to let us know, for God's sake.

This is make -believe. We're doing make
-believe.