All language subtitles for The Phil Silvers Show s01e01 New Recruits

Roger!

dream about my brother.

I had a dream about my wife.

Why don't you give her another chance?
Maybe she still loves you.

Just a three -day pass.

So he says to me, how come?

24 years in the army, you're still a
private.

I told him, it ain't easy.

Well, we got a couple of the biggest of
the Charleston contest Bilko's running.

Don't it be fun?

What do you want, blood?

Hey, Mullen.

Mullen, I got you down for the paint
job.

Big deal.

Hey, listen, Mullen. Bilko got a new
line of platoon stationery. Very nice.

$2 a box.

Please. All right, simmer down.

Special detail.

The following men step forward.

Doberman, Paparelli, Van Dyke, Gomez.

You men report to Miss Sergeant Zawicki
at 0900 for KP. That's all.

Sick call.

Now, excuse me, gentlemen. Duty calls.

Look, Pilkoff, you're broke. Let's break
it up. Here, here, here. Take it easy.

I'll be right back with a fresh
bankroll. Relax.

Roll call! Roll call! Look alive, fresh
and shiny. Here, here, here. Bright

eyes. Here, here, here.

Here, here, here. All right.

B Company, 3rd Platoon, Roll Call. Here
we go. Anderson.

Ten bucks, what happened to the 250?

Would you like me to stand here on Army
time and explain it in front of the

whole platoon?

All right, men, here it is again.
Another complaint.

Lieutenant Bigelow reports that he saw
one of our trucks from the motor pool at

the drive -in theater last night.

Fortunately, I was able to prove by the
records there was no man from this

platoon.

Kedowski!

Next time, don't leave your dog tags on
the front seat. Thanks.

Now, come on, men. Let's make this the
last complaint we get.

They've been watching this platoon like
hawks since last summer when that tank

showed up on the beach.

Sun worshipper.

Now, men, I told you this a hundred
times. If you need transportation, my

car is at your disposal.

It's only ten cents a mile. The weekly
rates are up on a bulletin.

And you can see Corporal Bob Beller
about the group plan.

Ten dollars. You need ten dollars to
keep that game alive.

We gave you every last cent. Where are
we going to get ten bucks? You must...

Don't go anywhere.

Is he selling me football tickets?

Go in there and stall them off.

How about the football pool? The bed
-making kind? They ain't springing for

nothing lately.

Gotta think of everything myself, huh?

Men, it's been some time since we've had
a little talk.

Freeze. Freeze, you commandos.

Men, when the United States army put
these stripes on my sleeves, they also

something on my shoulders.

Responsibility.

And what has been my biggest
responsibility?

Your morale.

That's the one thing I think of day in,
day out. Your morale.

Now, I must have told you this a
thousand times. Suppose you tell it to

What do I want to make this outfit?

The happiest platoon on the post.

Right. The happiest platoon on the post.

But, men, I can't do it by myself.

I want to see my boys have fun.

Fun?

What good is it if you don't join in any
of these fun -making activities?

You won't buy tickets to the football
pool. You won't join any of these

fundraising activities.

I racked my brain.

They're breaking up the game. I can't
stall them any longer.

Ciao.

Hey, where you going, fellas? It's only
the shank of the morning.

Hey, surely my credit is good. Credit?

Sergeant Vilko, you said a dirty word.

What about it, Swiggy? A little two
-handed, anything?

It's all over, Bilko. The big operator
of the post finally got himself taken.

Well, don't bruise that bankroll. I'll
get it back Saturday night. Saturday

night. When are you going to get a
bankroll to get into that game Saturday

night?

Your luck's changed, Bilko. It's all
over.

See you when you get another bankroll.

He's in trouble. If Belko needs money,
we're in trouble.

Ah, just a minute.

I thought I tore a putty tag.

I've seen outfits move faster in my
life. That's the fastest I've ever seen

these fellas move.

Well, now, here's a gay little group.

Mind if I open my veins and join you?

250 clans.

And a hundred... of it was my money.

Hi, Chopper. Hi, Padre. Hi, Padre. What
brings you here? Nothing much. I just

wanted to verify something I never
thought I'd live to see.

You lost in a card game.

Card game?

Padre, you know I don't allow no games a
chance in my barracks. Police the area.

Bilko, you're a gambler, a sharpster, a
promoter.

You're everything I'm here to prevent
soldiers from becoming.

Tell me, why do I like you?

I don't know. You do have a nice
personality.

I don't know why I worry about your
soul. You'll probably talk your way into

heaven.

Bilko, why don't you forget about it?

Forget about what?

You know what? I mean this constant
gambling between you and the other top

of the permanent party.

Oh, Padre, you don't understand. I got a
reputation of upholding those meatballs

just because they got a little lucky.
Now they think they're smarter than I

Maybe they are.

What do you mean?

Where were you sitting during the late
lamented game?

Right here, my lucky chair.

Lucky. I see. Where's your mirror?

My mirror?

Right over there on the wall where it
always is. Why, you want a shave or

something? You're welcome to it.

Who moved my mirror?

Rocco, did you move my... Oh, there it
is.

It's funny.

You know what it is, Padre? You get used
to a mirror in one place, some joker on

a neat kick, you know?

I... Rocco, sit here.

Look at your whole car.

Ten of diamonds, right?

Gee, that's terrific.

miserable rascals.

Don't you see what happened? They set it
up for me. Don't they take care of all

those... They're mean fellas, Jack.

I can see you're taking this pretty

seriously. The training report, sir.

Thanks, Hogan.

Now, Tom, if you can show me how...

Leaving Bilko, that motor pool platoon
is going to cut down the gambling over

the permanent party quarters.

I'll go along with it. But Bilko is the
best motor pool NCO I've ever had.

That's just it. He's got it running so
smoothly, there's nothing for him to do

but to think up little rackets, play
poker.

What are you driving? Give him something
new, something that will challenge him.

What are you driving at, Tom? Colonel,
give Bilko a basic training unit.

Bilko?

Young, innocent recruits?

For a minute, I thought you were
serious.

I am.

I know you're shorthanded on your
training schedule, and here's Bilko, a

sergeant with a great record... Not a
chance.

Tom, we reorganized the entire layout of
the post.

We moved buildings, blocked off streets,
so that no rookie, even by accident,

could ever get near Bilko.

Colonel, I've got a hunch.

Oh, Billy, you're a good boy. Take care
of yourself. Bye, Tony. Say hello to

Billy. Hey, you.

I'll miss you. Take care of yourself,
will you?

I don't get it. I don't get it at all.

Why? Why are they transferring my
platoon, my boys, the guys I grew to

especially today, Saturday, when they
get paid?

Hey, did you find out anything?

No, nothing.

Gee, it's hot.

Thanks a lot. I sent him out for
information. He comes in with a weather

Well, there goes our last chance to get
a bankroll for tonight's game. I don't

get it.

Empty barracks, empty bunks.

It's an empty world, man.

you to Scoutmaster?

My name is Higgins, sir. At the
induction center, when they found out

to a military academy, they made me
acting PFC in charge of this squad until

got here for our basic training.

Basic training? Yes, sir. Sergeant Bill
Kidd! This is your new assignment, Bill

Coe. See that they get the required
basic training courses. That's all.

Thank you, sir.

Only the one he's talking to.

My new squad.

New blood.

At ease, men.

Welcome to the United States Army.

Friends, when the United States Army put
these stripes on my sleeve, they also

put something I'm saying.

I understand you boys don't get paid for
the first 30 days. Now, if you're a

little short... Oh, no, Sergeant, we
brought money from home. Money from

Money from home.

Oh, what pleasant memories those words
invoke.

Mom's apple pie, washing the car on
Sunday.

Gets you right in here, don't it, pal?

But, friends, the Army, too, can be fun.
For instance...

This weekend, I want to see you all at
the Welcome Rookies dance.

Corporal Barbella will have the tickets.

I always say a little fun with a little
hard work.

Sergeant, Sergeant, well, doesn't the
soldier's guidebook state that the first

weekend should be spent reviewing the
things we learned during the week?

Good boy.

Yes, sir, men.

Every night when you return from that
drill field, I'll be here to relax you.

Take the tension away from you with a
little game of chance, nothing too

expensive. Little lotto, little bingo.
And for you older men, perhaps a little

gin rummy. What about that?

You listen to me, because your welfare
is the... Sergeant, what about our

personal health and character guidance
lectures?

Aren't we supposed to have those at
night?

Good boy.

Yes, friends, you call on your sergeant
for anything you want. My door is open.

You ever need any souvenirs, slight
extra charge, chewing gum, cigarettes,

little knick -knacks you need, you can
all shatter.

Razor blades, little postcards,
anything... Sergeant, Sergeant, just one

Isn't there a post exchange where we can
buy those things direct?

Wouldn't you be happier in a navy?

I'm sorry, sir, but I just want to make
sure my military career gets started on

the right foot. You see, after my two
years are up, I plan to stay in the

And you'll make good, too, as a target.

Yes, man, we're going to have fun, fun.

But lest we forget, there's a military
aspect to this man's army, too. For

instance, I personally every day will
escort you out to the drill field, the

rifle range, short hikes, weather
permitting.

I am going to make this a track and
track outfit.

I think you're going to be pleasantly
surprised, sir.

I will?

Yes, sir. You see, at the induction
center, while waiting for our

took the liberty of putting the men
through a little close -order drill just

get a head start, you know, sir.

Would you like me to take them out and
drill them now, sir? Take them out and

drill them? Say, that ought to be fun.

Sergeant Bilko, I don't want to miss
that dance, so could I reserve some

tickets? Yeah, and I need stationery,
sir.

You could have a baseball pool and a
deep breakfast. Please, please, friends,

everything I promise you you'll have.
Just give us a chance to get organized,

aren't they wonderful?

All right, men.

Hold that just a minute, Higgins.

Corporal Henshaw, I want you to escort
these men out to the drill field and

with them every minute.

In this heat, Sarge, they ain't going to
get lost.

I'm not worried about them getting lost.

I don't want nobody to steal them.

an empty practice rifle?

They're the most dangerous kind.

And I wouldn't want anything to happen
to you.

Sergeant Bilko.

Yes, son, what is it? It's my girl's
picture for the Sweetheart of the Squad

contest you're running.

Well, we'll put her right up on a
bulletin board.

Of course, you know, there's a $5 entry
fee to defray the cost of thumbtacks.

Oh, yeah, that's for sure.

Sarge. Hey, Sarge.

Sarge, we gave it a start already. It's
so weak, he's comforting me kitchen.

How about that bankroll coming up?

I'll give you the money as soon as we
get our first pay. I'm broke.

I thought you guys brought money from
home.

Yeah, that was this morning.

I have $50, but Higgins has it now.

Higgins? Yes, sir. He's got almost all
the money the fellow's brought.

I tell you, the minute I laid eyes on
that kid, I knew he was a born

Oh, Higgins.

Yes, sir. Let's have a little chat.

who squeezes money out of his comrades,
he's called a vulture.

And there's no room on his post for a
mother... for a vulture.

But, but, but, sir... Do you deny you
took those kids for every nickel they

Oh, oh, no, no, no, sir. You got it all
wrong.

I'm just holding the money for them.

Holding it? Yes, sir. You see, we all
planned to go on our first furlough

together on a trip, and the fellas gave
me the money to hold so that they didn't

spend it foolishly.

Foolishly, huh?

Higgins, uh, did anybody on this post
warn you about, tell you about me?

No, sir. Just the chaplain.

The chaplain. That's all dismissed.

My friend, the Padre, warning new
innocent soldiers against their own

Well, there goes the bankroll. And the
game has started already.

What is it? I hear cards being shuffled.

All the way from the Company B kitchen?

I also hear money being riffled.

Our money.

Crying out into the night, Daddy, come
take us home.

Now, where is Daddy? In a barracks,
babysitting.

Come in.

Holy smokes.

What is it now, Higgins? I forget your
bedtime stories? Somebody have to be

burped? Sir, could I talk to you for
just a minute? It's a little personal.

All right, fellas, out.

Buddy -buddy time, huh?

All right, Higgins, come on, let's have
it. What is it?

Well, sir, you remember the money I've
been holding for the fellas?

It never left my mind.

Mine neither, sir. It's just too much of
a responsibility.

Here, Sergeant, will you hold it for us?

You want me to hold it?

Yes, sir, if you will.

Come on, Higgins, I'm only flesh and
blood. You hold it.

Sergeant, the soldier's guidebook states
that enlisted men may leave their

valuables with their sergeant. You
didn't read the footnote where my name

mentioned.

Sergeant Bilko, please, it's more money
than I ever had in my whole life.

My gosh, there's over $300 here.

$319.

$320.

I didn't get that wet single in here.

Now, now, you better hang on to it. You
heard what the chaplain said about me.

Yes, sir. That's why I'm here.

Well, the chaplain said, if we ever
needed anybody to turn to, someone we

trust, we could always trust Sergeant
Bilko.

Trust Sergeant Bilko?

Yes, sir.

The chaplain said that?

Yes, sir.

Look, Higgins.

When he said it, was he laughing or
something?

No, no, sir. He seemed quite serious.

Please, Sergeant, hold it, huh?

The chaplain said that?

Yes, sir.

Good night, sir.

Good night.

Hey, Sarge, what did the kid... He got
it! He got it! Hey, Sarge, I've seen you

work fast, but this is the new army
record.

Come on!

Scheduled meatballs?

I'm surprised with you.

As long as you've been with me, you
ought to know me better. These kids gave

this money to hold. They trust me with
it.

They gave it to you? Who else would they
trust but their own sergeant?

Boy, do they need basic training.

Well, maybe we could use it. Just for
the game.

I told you they gave it to me to hold
and trust.

Yeah, but sergeant... Out.

Out.

We're going to teach it to those kids
who might as well know what we're doing.

Just drop by to leave the flashlight.

Flashlight? Yeah, just in case you
change your mind, it's pitch black

here and the company B kitchen.

Where the game is going on. With our
money.

I told you I'm holding that money for
the kids. Out.

I'm watching the game. There's all the
money in the world there just waiting

you. So, Wick, you just won a $35 pot
with a pair of fours.

Oh, good for you.

Get out of here.

Here you go. Wake up. Wake up. What is
it, Sergeant? Night maneuvers?

Night maneuvers? I just went through
those.

Here. Be careful what you do with other
people's money. Hang on to this. But,

Sergeant, we trust you.

Don't press your luck.

Get some sleep. Good night, Sergeant.

Well, what are you two jokers doing
around here?

Good night, Sergeant.

Good night.

Good night, Sarge. Good night. Well,
don't stand around. You know what to do.

on.

Well, Padre, what brings you around
here?

Just checking. Everything okay?

Just wonderful.

It figured.

Good night, Padre. Good night, Ernest.

Huh?

Higgins was played by Michael Dreyfuss.

Henshaw portrayed by Alan Melton.