All language subtitles for The Ballad of Wallis Island 2025 1080p PCOK WEB-DL DDP 5 1 H 264-PiRaTeS.eng

(footsteps approaching)

(birds singing in distance)

(soft guitar music playing)

* *

HERB: * Oh, would you like
to hear a story *

* About a man
who's tired of life? *

* Rejected money,
love and glory *

* To escape the city strife *

HERB and NELL: * He found
an empty wild meadow *

* To make a home
among the trees *

* To lose his past,
to lose his shadow *

* Face the sun
and find his peace *

* But in the evening *

* He hikes up the mountain *

* To see the city lights *

* Hears music
whispering around him *

* And remembers his old life *

CHARLES (faintly):
Herb!

(birds calling)

* And though
he has his isolation *

(water splashing)

-* He has no peace of mind... *
-Um, okay.

-Uh... -CHARLES (in distance):
Hello! Hello!

-Is this-- Are we here?
-Herb!

Herb!

Herb!

There he is! Herb McGwyer!

I've got you on!

I've got you on now, Herb!

(music playing faintly
through headphones)

Fancy a listen?!

First sign of madness.

(laughs)
Dearie me.

Oh! You made it okay?!

I can't hear you!

You got here okay?!

Well, yeah, obviously.

Of course you did!

No nasty, uh...
the dreaded in-flight meal?

Is there not, like,

-a harbor... here?
-Is there not a harbor?

Well, no!

It's sort of nature's harbor,
really.

-It's, um...
-Okay--

I can kind of carry you
through the shallows.

-Um, can you maybe, um...
-I'm Charles.

-Charles Heath.
-...take a bag?

-Of course.
-Thanks.

Take it.

Load me up.
Load me up, buttercup.

-There it is. The old axe.
-Quickly, please. It's heavy.

-That's fantastic.
-Can you take it, please?

-Of course. Absolutely.
-Thank you.

Yes, please. The axe.

(mimics playing guitar)

-Love that.
-Okay. S-So...

Massive fan of your work,
obviously.

-So what do I do? -Thanks
for coming. Oh, I'll grab this.

No, no, no, no, no! No!

-Herb. Okay.
-(spits, groans)

-Right. Here.
I'm so sorry, Herb. -(groans)

-Get my-- Can you get my bag?!
-Get everything, isn't it?

Get everything. Keep it dry.

-Okay, we're good. Close--
-We're good?

Well, "close shave," I was
going to say, not "we're good."

Right. Are you all right?

-You're wet. Oh, bugger me.
-No. I mean, I...

It's 'cause I was...

pissing about with the guitar.

Oh, I'm so s--
Welcome to Wallis Island.

You don't travel light,
do you, you musicians?

Well, this is the island.

I shall show you around it
as we go along, really.

We have actually met, Herb.

You may not, um...

-Colchester Corn Exchange.
-(sighs)

-(whispers): Come on.
-The glamour. Stage door, 2008.

My, um...

Marie, a woman about...

yea high,

and a man about...

well, me, so...

with her.

Um...

Yeah, I meet a lot of people.

Course you do. Popular man.

Popular man.

(sighs)

How far is it?

-Huh?
-How far is it?

Oh, not too far.

(sighs)

Can they not send a car?

-They?
-Um, Wallis Lodge,

-my hotel.
-Wallis Lodge, my house?

And your hotel. Yes, exactly.

This week.

A hotel in all but name.

And, um...

and, um, facilities.

-You...
-You?

I-I need to call my people.

Ooh.
(chuckles)

Love that.

Calling his people.

(sighs)

* *

My humble abode.

(door creaking)

(grunting)

(sighs)

Ooh, no, you don't need
to take your shoes off, Herb.

Well, they're soaked.

Oh, yes. From the sea.

Let's get you nice
and crisp and dry.

I've got a world-class bath,
by the way.

Yes.

Lion's feet on it.

Not real, of course,
but next best thing.

Gig-wise,
it won't exactly be Glasto.

Glastonbury.

Uh, yeah, that's-that's fine.

-(grunts loudly) -I mean,
I much prefer, you know,

intimate gigs.

CHARLES:
Oh, God, yeah.

(grunting)

Um, how many?

-People?
-Yeah.

Well, less than a hundred.

-Perfect.
-Perfect.

Yeah.

Bloody good effort this, Herb.

Coming all the way out here
without your roadies.

-Just an acoustic set.
-Eh.

Why waste the money?
Quite right.

-Well, no, I didn't--
-Which brings me on

to the thorny issue of payment.

-Hmm. (grunts) -Oh, yeah,
we don't need to do that now.

(grunts)

It's bloody unseemly, in't it?

(clicking)

-Cash?
-Yes.

Now, what I thought I'd do
is give you

£50 now

and the other £499,950

on completion of the gig.

If my maths is correct.

Okay.

-(scoffs)
-Oh.

A cool half million.

Should keep you in guitar
strings for a couple of years,

you bloody mercenary.

-Well, hang on. That's not...
-No, I'm just--

...the reason
I'm doing the gig.

No. No, no, no. No, no, no.

(stammering)
This is all jokes.

I'm just joking.

Jokes included.

It's just, um...

I-I'm not really used
to having guests.

I'm just trying to get some
atmos going. (chuckles softly)

Uh, there's a case in point--

I've made myself a tea
and not you.

(sighs)

Yeah, look,
can I get changed, please?

-It's-- I'm drenched.
-You are.

Dame Judi.

Dame Judi Drenched.

* *

CHARLES: Not many musicians
come to the island, Herb.

For obvious reasons,

i.e. it is admittedly remote.

And there are no stadiums
or stadia.

No boutique hotels.

Well, no hotels.

There's a sort of
an unofficial campsite.

You can't exactly expect
Mick Hucknall

to slum it under canvas.

Kate Bush came to the island.

Herb.

But I think
that was more as a retreat,

rather than as part of a tour.

She needed
some peace and quiet.

And that we can offer.

(inhales)

-Yes. That's the beauty
of this island. -(gasps)

The silence.

And, of course, the beauty.

It is
a bloody beautiful island.

-You're in here.
-(creaking)

(water running)

-Okay, well, can you, um...
-Yes.

Mm-hmm. Oh, by the way,

you've absolutely timed
the ass off this, Herb.

Seaman's Day on Sunday.

Always a highlight.

Yeah, I'm just gonna lay low
until the gig.

-Thank you.
-Now, this tap doesn't work.

-Well, it does work.
-Yes, it does work.

It works,
but it sort of works...

too well,
if you know what I mean.

That used to sort of drip-drip.

And now that...

more gushes.

Yes. Sorry again. If...
(sighs)

If these are too baggy
or daggy for you.

On the plus side,

I have here in my hand
a Winona.

A what?

A Winona rider.

-Your rider.
-Okay.

You are now the proud Winona

-of a rider.
-(unzips)

You've got yourself...

your favorite apples,

Braeburn thereof,

times three.

Monster Munch, Pickled Onion.

Don't go snogging the ladies.

And, uh, of course,
some whiskey.

And it has to be
the Johnnie Walker Blue Label.

Just a few things that you've
expressed a fondness for

-in, um...
-Interviews.

In the past. And, of course,

the Galliard Blonde.

Oh. Yeah, I, um...

-I-I don't smoke anymore, dude.
-No.

But you waver.

You waver, don't you?

Have you got rice?

Do you normally get rice?

For my phone.

Does your phone get rice? What?

It'll soak up the water
from the sea.

-Will it, now?
-Well, it can do, yeah.

Okay. You're not just
a pretty face, are you?

-Charles.
-Yas.

Can I get some rice?
I need to make some calls.

Amazing sentence. Yes, you can.

I'm going down to the shop
in a second.

-I need to pick up a hog.
-Okay.

-A what?
-The hog.

Ich bin ordered ein hog.
Oink, oink.

-Okay.
-Okay.

Well...

shall I plod on, Macduff?

Yeah.
Can you just shut the door?

Absolutely.

(sighs)

(creaking)

(Herb stammering)

I-- No, I meant...

-Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry, Herb. -Yeah.

That's inexcusable.

I'm sorry, Herb. That's crazy.

-All right.
-(door creaking)

I'm not at the races.

(door closes)

* *

(scoffing)

(birds calling)

CHARLES: So go on then, Herb.
Out with it.

What happened with you
and Nell Mortimer?

Um...

Yeah, I'm quite
a private person, to be honest.

No, I know you are.

But go on. What happened?

Because some sources say
that you dumped her.

Some sources say
that she dumped you.

So come on.

-Who dumped who?
-No, it wasn't--

Whom dumped whom?

It was--
it was a mutual decision.

Some of the best are.
Some of the best are.

And now we're sort of...

all good, huh? Amicable?

I'm sorry. I'm prying.

It's just I love that...

What do you call it? An era?

The early stuff. You and her.

-Some of my favorite stuff,
I have to say. -Yeah, okay.

I think my solo stuff's
more varied.

Musically.

Mm, mm.

The harmonies?

And I'm very proud
of my new album, so...

Which I cannot wait
to listen to on the night.

Not exclusively.

As part of a balanced program,
of course.

-Where is the shop, man?
-The shop is down thar.

* *

-(entry bell tinkles)
-(door creaking)

CHARLES: Yes. Bit of a,
um, Aladdin's cave.

Fishing net.

(grunts)

Uh...

-MARCUS: Why? -AMANDA:
'Cause you won't do it.

You'll get--
You'll leave everything out

-and expect me to put it all
away. -Mum, please.

-(clears throat)
-(ringing)

(sighs)
Sorry about that.

New balls, please.

You must be hungry.

-(chuckles softly)
-Hmm?

No. But not to eat. The...

Uh, no, no.

I meant, uh...

Ooh.
(grunts)

-O-kay.
-(grunts)

CHARLES:
There she is.

Oink.

Will you be needing the barrow?

-Oh, God, yeah.
-Sorry, um, do you sell rice?

Uh, we've got pasta.

N-No. It has to be rice.

It has to be rice, apparently.

What are you making?

No, it's-it's for my phone.

It got wet.

Right.

(quietly):
Yeah.

I still don't understand.
Sorry.

Welcome to my world.

Uh, well, there's
a-a-a payphone outside.

Great.

-He's a musician.
-Oh.

Ooh, you've got rice pudding
though.

-Yes.
-Hmm.

(pay tone ringing)

(knocking)

I need some more money.
For the phone.

Some change.

Will you just get me
some change?

-I'm about to run out.
-(mutters) That's a 50.

Oh, hi. Um...

Can, uh-- can you put me
through to Zeb Loman, please?

Herb McGwyer.

I don't want tickets
for Herb McGwyer.

I am Herb McGwyer.

Saying my own name
isn't name-dropping.

(jangling)

Well, okay.
Uh, when will he be free?

Can you find out?

Hang on.

Um...

You changed the whole thing?

Yeah.

Okay, well, just, uh,
yeah, go in the meeting.

Can you shut the door?

No, not you. Sorry. Can you--
can you shut the door?

Thank you. No, not you.

It's not shut.

(grunts)

Can you shut--
What kind of meeting is it?

Can you...

I'm calling back
in the morning.

Yes, exactly.
Stretch the old "leegs."

See if you can't breathe some
life into the old, uh, iPhone.

Yeah, I mean, rice pudding
definitely won't work.

Well, not with that attitude,
no, it won't.

Ah! Now, then!

The scene of the crime!
The venue!

-Where?
-It's down yar.

It's not finished yet,
of course.

We still need to...

roll out the barrel.

But that is the, uh...

It's not ready yet, Herb.

It's not--
it's not finished yet!

(birds calling)

This isn't where the gig is.

Well, you're half right.
It is where the gig is.

Where will the audience be?

Oh, no, I'll just--

You just concentrate
on what you do best--

playing your wonderful music.

And I'll concentrate
on what I do best--

sort of sitting on a pallet.

But, I mean...

I mean, there's no--
How do you...

-how do you ticket this?
-Don't worry about that.

You said there'd be a hundred.

No.

-No, no, no, no, no.
-Well, yeah, you did.

No, fair's fair. No, I did not
say there'd be a hundred.

Yeah, you did.

No, I didn't.

I said there'd be less
than a hundred.

How many less than a hundred?

Well, just as in...

(stammers)

As in?

Is it just you?

Yeah.

Right.

Are we wandering back up,
are we?

Are we wandering...

Now, set list-wise,

of course,
absolutementup to you.

Well, I do have a few faves
I wouldn't mind seeing

scuttling around,
and he who pays the piper

must have some control over

-what the piper pipes.
-What do you do?

-Hmm?
-You a banker?

Or oil?
It's oil, isn't it?

-I-I... I'm retired.
-'Cause I'm not

playing a private gig for
some oil tycoon or whatever.

-Where's oil come from?
-I'm... You know,

I'm-I'm anti-corporate,
famously.

I'm anti-corporate.

Believe me,
I hate bloody, um...

Well, I can't
think of one, but...

-'Cause, you know...
-IKEA. Bad example.

I thought it was a group
of fans all clubbing together.

No. One fan.
Clubbing alone.

Right, so, I need to know
what you do.

-You have every right to know
what I do. -Thank you.

Right.

I did... was a male nurse.

Nurse.

S... Okay, where's
the money come from?

-You won?
-CHARLES: Indeed we did, yes,

we bloody won the thing. Yup.

-And it changed everything.
-Well, yeah.

Course it did, yeah.

The world was our oyster.

We got to travel the globe.

We did Asia.

That's what they say,
isn't it? "Did."

Who, uh...

Well, you know,
the globetrotters.

-You know, um...
-I mean, who's "we"?

Palin. Alan Whicker.

We did China. We did Malaysia.

Kathmandu was very much
a case of Kathman-did.

Italy. Antigua. Tokyo.

That's not the route,
of course, that's just

some of the places
we visited, really.

And then one day, of course,
it had run out.

And there we were.

Hungover and suntanned.

With precisely two-thirds
of diddly-squat to our name.

Okay. So, sorry,
I don't understand.

How come you're
a millionaire now?

Mm.

So...

Played it again.
(clicks tongue)

And won it again.

And decided to save it.

Wasn't much interested
in traveling anymore.

Not on my tod, anyway. Um...

after Marie, um... I mean...

Uh, you-you
won the lottery twice?

Did indeed.
Bought this place. Hmm.

Just me. My money.

And your beautiful music.

7, 11, 18,

27, 45 and 48.

The significance being those
were the winning numbers.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

-I mean, obviously.
-I mean, obviously.

(pops lips)

Two pounds well spent.

(muffled folk music
playing on speakers)

(footsteps approaching)

HERB (recording):
* See the places... *

(camera shutter clicks)

The great Herb McGwyer.

1981 to...

Well, who knows? TBC.

Or, put it another way,

Chris Pinner.

For the first 20 years
of your life, Chris Pinner.

-No? Don't like it?
-Not really, no.

No. All right.

Well, I shall avoid
calling you the C-word.

As in "Chris."
Well, as in either.

-Cheese.
-(shutter clicks)

-That's lovely, that.
-Sorry, can you, um,

can you delete those, please?

-Um...
-I mean, they'll just be

-for my, um... for my annals.
-Oh?

Well, this'll just be for...
well, for me.

-* And I can feel *
-Oh...

-(volume increases)
-* My whole life... *

Oh. Goes right
through you, then?

(harmonizing on song)

That's the phrase I'm after.

When was the last time you, um,

c-collaborated with Nell
or, you know,

-played together?
-Um,

well, I don't know, man,
like, ten years ago.

"Sunday Best."
Radio 6 did a thing on us.

-Yes, with Gideon Coe.
-Yeah.

Well, listen here, Herb.
Just in terms

of the "pluffman's..."

-Dig in. You know...
-Uh...

-Ploughman's. Have so...
-Yeah, I can't

eat four types of cheese
directly before bed.

-Quattro formaggio?
-Yeah, it's... it's late, man.

I think I'm gonna,
um, hit the hay.

-(cork pops)
-(exclaims)

I've opened the jeroboam now.

I'm good.

-Oh.
-Thanks.

And, just, Nell-wise,
just broken record-wise,

-I mean, you'd be okay if...
-Can you-can you just

stop prying? Okay?

I know. "Pryawatha."

Yeah. I will.

-It's just because...
-It's, please... It's...

Listen, it's water
under the bridge, okay?

Okay.

Perfect.

(folk music playing
on speakers in distance)

HERB and NELL:
* Never got the chance *

* To take you in my arms... *

HERB:
He's everywhere.

It's like he's man marking me.

No, there's no party.

No. It's...
I'm literally playing

(laughing): to one...
to one guy.

Of course I'll do it. I mean,
it's paying for the album.

You know, take the money,
do the gig,

take out a restraining order.
(chortles)

I'm serious, Zeb,
this is Misery.

I'm gonna wake up
with no ankles.

No, he's fine.
Honestly, he's quite...

He's sort of...
he's sort of sweet, in a way.

I mean, he's a sap,
obviously, but he's...

I feel kind of badly
for the guy.

-(pay tone ringing)
-Oh, hang on.

Oh. Yeah, send me
the latest artwork.

I'll-I'll try
and get online and, um...

Oh, my God,
this is unbelievable.

Here he is. (short chuckle)
He's crazy, man.

Yeah. He's literally just
come waddling past right now.

Um... I've...
I've got to go. Hang on.

Charles. Is that...

Is Nell coming?

Ah, Herb. Hello.

-Did you...
-Good phone call? Decent?

-Did you invite Nell?
-Eh...

But, uh... Yeah.
She's, um...

HERB:
Oh.

Oh, shit.

In a good way or...

-Why didn't you tell me?
-I did try to, last night.

-But before that.
-Because we were...

Your trousers were all wet.

-Before I got here, I mean.
-She confirmed late.

-It's okay. Is it?
-What? No.

-What?
-No.

With...

Nell and...
you and Nell and Michael.

Who's Michael?

Her husband.

CHARLES: You were saying
"water under the bridge."

-You did say.
-Yeah, as in

"it was a long time ago,"
not as in...

-Yeah.
-"it's okay."

-It was a long time ago.
-It's not okay.

-I know. Is it not?
-No.

Not really.

I need to, um...

MICHAEL:
Hey, hey!

-The welcoming party.
-CHARLES: Hello, hello!

-NELL: Hi, Herb.
-Ah! Thank you, Peter.

Yeah, thanks-thanks,
but no thanks, Peter.

That was a bit of a bumpy ride.

-(laughs): Oh. Oh, dear!
-Oh.

-Oh! Easy, baby, easy.
-Careful, now.

Careful on the shingles.

(sighs heavily)

McGwyer, Mortimer.

Mortimer, McGwyer.

-MICHAEL: Straub-Hodder is the,
-It's my marr...

-uh, married name.
-Oh.

-It's not Mortimer anymore.
-(grunts): Ooh.

-Love that. Yeah.
-Herb!

It's great to finally
meet you, bud. Come on!

-(grunts)
-(chuckles)

-Yeah. Um, you're Michael.
-Yeah.

Last time I checked,

-yeah.
-Cool.

(Michael chuckles)

-Okay.
-Well, there we are.

-NELL: Yeah.
-CHARLES: Shall we, um...

-MICHAEL: Yep.
-CHARLES: Let's, um...

-(birds calling)
-* *

MICHAEL:
Shearwaters? Do you, uh,

do you get any
shearwaters here?

Shearwaters?

Again, Mike,
I'm not exactly birdwise.

I mean, uh, gulls, we have.

-Seagulls.
-What about auks?

Do you get any auks here?

Well, orcs don't exist,
do they?

As in... Are you talking, like,
the sort of green trolls?

MICHAEL: Oh, no, no, no, no,
I mean, like, uh...

So, um, he, uh, he wants
to play the old stuff.

-Charles.
-Ah. Yeah.

I mean, I'm happy to say,
you know, no.

Okay.

Well, th-that...
that... some of that's

off limits, you know?

I don't know how you...
I mean, what...

what-what do you think?

Yeah, I figured he'd want
the back catalogue.

I mean, it's his party.

-What's your problem?
-Haven't got a problem.

I'm just... It's...

Would...
I mean, that stuff

is just from another time,
isn't it?

Yeah.

So that's why
it's fine, isn't it?

Okay. Or...

that's why it's not fine.
You know?

You knew I was coming, right?

Yeah.

Yeah. Why?

Well, what did you think
you'd be playing?

If it was with me,
you must have

-thought it would be our stuff.
-No, no. Yeah.

I know that. Yeah. I did.

Okay.

No, it's just, I...
It's fine. Forget it.

It's not a big deal.
I'm just saying...

-I'm excited.
-Yeah. I am.

You know, you and me,

-playing again.
-Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

CHARLES:
All right. Here we are, then,

-kids.
-MICHAEL: Shoes off?

Uh, shoes on. Very much on.

Oh, my God.
I am literally in love

-with your glazing, man.
-CHARLES: Well,

-thank you.
-NELL: We've got you some...

-Ooh.
-NELL: Oh, no, no, no.

-It's just a little...
-Oh, you shouldn't have.

-What is it?
-Um, it's just a little

something to say thank you
for having us.

-What's this-- chutney?
-NELL: Yeah.

Houston, we have chutney.

(short chuckle)
And it's not a problem.

(Nell and Michael laughing)

"Nell's Chutney."

-It's just a hobby, really.
-Hobby?

She has her own stall at
the Portland farmers market.

Wowee.
Straight outta Portland!

-MICHAEL: Uh...
-The Windy City.

-No. No, no, that is,
-No? What is... No. That's...

-Chicago. We are Rose City.
-That's Chicago.

Rose City Limits.

-Yes, sir.
-Route 66.

-Uh, Interstate 5.
-Oh.

It's, uh, the I-5.

High five.
Don't leave me hanging.

(chuckles)
Absolutely love that.

Love having you here.

-MICHAEL: Love being here.
-CHARLES: Fantastic.

* *

NELL:
Uh, no.

I mean, I... It was fun.
I mean, not, you know,

-annoying, obviously, having to
-Yeah.

relearn all the songs,
but, um...

-Bloody fantastic.
-Yeah.

Uh, I quite enjoyed it--
playing music again.

No offense here, but I didn't
really, uh, listen to you guys,

like, back in the day.

-Oh, wow. Seriously?
-Oh, no, that's-that's fine.

I mean, I knew who she was
when we met.

But yeah, I've, um,
heard the songs a lot

these last few weeks
and, um, yeah,

some of them just really
get in there. So, um, so,

kudos to you-dos.

-(chuckles)
-(Nell laughs)

-(Michael chuckles)
-(music playing on speakers)

Yeah, I mean, my music's
quite different now.

-MICHAEL: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
-NELL: Yeah. Um...

No, 'cause you-you've heard...

-He's heard some of the, um...
-I have, yeah.

-Uh, the, um...
-Collaborations.

Yeah, the collabs.
Um, uh,

like the, uh... What's the...
that "Work That Body"?

-"Work the Body."
-Oh, boy. That's the...

-Yeah. That's the...
-CHARLES: Well,

-it is what it is.
-MICHAEL: So... (chuckles)

Ideal.

Yeah, I mean, I... that one

is a bit more commercial,
I guess.

Commercial-- is that a, um...

-genre?
-Mm.

It... As in,
it's, uh, it's a dance,

big beat,
kind of more mainstream.

Pop.

Goes the weasel.

It's... "Commercial"
is the catch-all term

for a whole range of-of...
It's-it's not...

-I'm not commercial.
-MICHAEL: Of course.

You're just getting paid
300 grand

just to do a private gig,
so, you know. (chuckles)

HERB and NELL:
* You say I work out *

-* Where I'm heading... *
-Shh.

Wha... What-what was the...
that-that...

Um, now...
gonna help you to some...

Uh, no, I'm-I'm, uh...

Did you just tell him
to shut up?

Nah.

Um, is it a case of
"let's get ready to crumble"?

Is he getting paid
more than me?

-Hmm?
-Are you...

Are you getting paid
more than me?

-(needle scratches)
-(music stops)

I d-I don't know
what this guy's doing.

How much you getting?
How much you getting?

Let's... I'm happy
to just split the lot.

No, I'm-I'm interested in
how much more important a part

of McGwyer Mortimer you are.

-Uh, 500. His...
-(music starts playing)

-His people wanted 500.
-Right, see, it wasn't me.

-I didn't n-negotiate.
-It was the people.

-The people.
-HERB: Oh, for God...

You don't have
a manager anymore, yeah?

It's different for you,
you know.

You're not, um, an artist now.

I'm not an artist?

As in... as...
I'm still making albums.

You know? You-you quit.
And I wrote the songs.

No, you didn't.
Not all of them.

Oh, come on, I wrote, like,

you know, the...

Good ones?

"The majority,"
I was gonna say.

No, like, 90%.

I didn't quit.
You made a solo album.

Okay, and you didn't.

So what do you want...
Uh, this is...

this is bullshit.

I don't need it. Can you...

Please, just stop
playing our music,

like, all the time?

I will second that.

And you can shut up as well.

-MICHAEL: Whoa, dude.
-NELL: Really?!

-Come on.
-Yeah. Actually, I'm going

-to bed.
-Okay, so, Herb, should we

just clean up after you, then?

No, Herb, you don't need to.

-Oh, well, no, I'm gonna...
-You don't need to.

-I...
-Fine.

-MICHAEL: Herb.
-Honestly...

Not in the wastepaper
basket, man.

* *

* *

(birds chirping)

(door creaking)

Oh! Hell.

(door opens)

-I mean...
-CHARLES: Hello?

-Hello, hello?
-HERB: Oh.

Oh, my God, Herb!

What the bloody hell
has happened here?

I'm fine.

-You fell. Again.
-I know that.

What are we gonna do with you?

-Here.
-Just... You left

-crumble outside my door.
-No, that was meant as food.

-Yeah, I get that. Right.
-Not as a hazard.

Are you leaving?

-CHARLES: No.
-HERB: Yeah.

Th-This is bullshit, okay?

I d-I don't need this.

Oh, come on, dude,
you can't leave.

No, he can't. You can't leave.

-You're not leaving.
-I'm not playing the old songs

like some tribute band.

Tribute to yourself band,
though.

HERB: That's not...
that's not what I'm about.

Well, thanks for discussing it
with me first.

Yeah, I didn't know you were
gonna be here, okay?

I, uh... lied about that.

I wouldn't have agreed to it
if I'd known.

Oh, cool. Thanks.

MICHAEL:
Baby, hang on.

-(door closes)
-Herb, you can't go.

HERB:
Yeah, sue me. Whatever.

CHARLES: No, as in, th-there
isn't a boat for hours.

HERB:
What time is the boat?

There's nothing
you can say, Charles.

Well, hang on a minute.
Please-please don't go.

You already said that.

Please don't go.

I mean, I can't read
the guy's handwriting.

He can't read his handwriting.

Peter-- absolute disgrace.

Look at this timetable.
Absolute car crash.

(sighs)

Fold out...

11:30, look.

-Yes, 11:30.
-That's a nine, isn't it?

That's a five.
But that's 11:30.

He collects the post at 11:00,
then have a cup of tea,

use the WC,
and then he sets sail.

I mean, obviously,
none of that's written here,

but that is how he does it.
11:30.

"Sometimes."
He's written "sometimes."

"Sometimes."
He sometimes goes at 11:30.

AMANDA (in distance):
I got the rice!

I ordered it in.

Oh. Um...

Yeah, I-I,
I didn't ask you to do that.

Oh, no, I know,
but, uh, do you want it?

I mean, not now, no.

Oh.

I, uh...

I did order it in specially.

-Okay, sure. I'll take it.
-Great.

Just, um...
help yourself to whatever it...

-cost to pay.
-Right.

MICHAEL:
Hey, Herb!

-Hiya!
-Oh. Hi, Michael.

-AMANDA: Okay, thank you.
-HERB: Thanks.

-Everything okay?
-HERB: Yeah.

You see-see anything?

Uh... well.

-Not really. Thanks for asking.
-Yeah.

Some gulls.

Some wood pigeons.

Listen, I'm sorry
about last night.

I was messing around.

That's not why I'm...

That's fine. Honestly,
I-I don't care about that.

Sure. I'm just--
I'm just saying. (inhales)

Listen, um...

Here's the thing.

And it's a bit, uh...

We need the money.

Me and Nell.

So if you're going,
there's no gig.

Nell's never gonna
ask you herself.

She's a bit proud,
as you well know.

So there it is.

It would mean a lot.

But you know.

It's your call.

(sighs)

(indistinct chatter)

(exhales)

CHARLES:
Oh, yes.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,
yes, yes, yes, yes.

Fantastic.

I love it.

I am the happiest man
in the world.

Gotta be.

One of 'em.

And if there's anything
you need,

just in terms of, you know,
anything, really,

flannels, a green room.

-Or, uh...
-Yeah.

I mean, probably just
somewhere to rehearse.

-Yeah. Rehearsal space.
-Yeah.

Fantastic.

Hose down the old classics.

Happy man.

Happy man, Herb.

Follow me.

* Heigh-ho. *

Right.

The conservatory/
rehearsal space.

Foliage galore, don't worry
about that side of things.

Oh. Wow.

-Yes, indeed.
-Okay.

I did try soundproofing it,

but I'm not sure I've slathered
myself in glory, I must say.

(chuckles) It's, um...

-it's pretty hot, isn't it?
-Oh, God, yeah.

No, it's unbearably hot. Yeah.

And then, when the sun goes,
it's too cold.

So it's a, um,
it's a country of contrasts.

-Is this my guitar?
-No.

No, got that at auction.

It's the one you recorded
"Way Back When" on.

-Yeah, that's what I mean.
-Oh, wow, you are a fan.

I am. Mm-hmm.

In fact, Herb,
if you do get a second,

I wouldn't mind getting
your paw print on that, please.

Have, uh, have you got
anything of mine?

(stammers) Sorry, what?

NELL:
Do you have anything of mine?

Yeah.

What is it?

Is it creepy?

It's hair, yeah.

-Hair? -It's a,
it's a lock of your hair.

Yes, um...

-Oh, my God.
-Uh, yes.

(laughs)

Whose hair are they
selling you?

Your hair.

-Is it-- No? Is it not yours?
-No.

-Uh-uh?
-Nope.

You've been scammed there,
Charlie.

I've never, never auctioned off
any of my hair.

Mis-sold hair?

Yeah. I can,
I can hack some off

before I go, if you want.

Oh, fantastic. Thank you.

Um...

Uh, no.

-Joking.
-No. Yeah.

Um...

Right, well, um...
what'll it be, then?

Shall I pull up a pew or is it

-make myself scarce?
-No, no, no.

We're in scarce territory.
Okay.

(strumming mid-tempo
melody on guitar)

-HERB: Oh, for, um...
-(music stops)

Okay, it's not...

Just give me a second.

(strumming mid-tempo melody)

-Sounds weird.
-Yeah.

Okay, it's just the acoustics
in here, okay?

* *

(vocalizing melody)

We don't-- Let's--
We don't need to do that one

if you can't play it.

I can--
Of course I can play it.

I've played it before.

All right.

-Chill. Jesus.
-Yeah.

Just... give me some space,
okay? This isn't...

-Give me a second.
-(strumming guitar)

(smacks lips)

(plucks strings, stops)

Look, I'm sorry about
being a prick last night.

Okay?

You can't help it.

Thanks.

Um...

And... so you know,
the solo album...

Oh, God.
You really don't have to.

I didn't plan to, like,
go it alone...

No. We really don't
have to talk about it, Herb.

Well, well, okay,
but you clearly...

I clearly don't. I really,
really clearly don't.

It wasn't deliberate.
Okay? It was, um...

What, you made a solo album
by accident?

No. It was,
the way it happened was...

I didn't think about it.
It just happened.

It wasn't to do with

-what was going on between...
-Hey!

-Hey.
-HERB: Hey.

-You all right? -Yeah.
Just not seeing anything.

-NELL: Aw. Sorry, babe.
-Oh, no.

MICHAEL: Yeah. The shopkeeper
says there's this guy

who does tours on
the north side of the island.

It's where the puffins nest.

So, what, you're going on tour?

I mean, it's your call,
but, um...

We can discuss later, if, uh...

Sorry for interrupting, Herb.

-Yeah. Yeah.
-NELL: No, no, no, there's...

there's loads that Herb
can do without me.

Right?

MICHAEL:
Yeah.

NELL:
Okay.

NELL:
So when are you going?

(Michael speaking indistinctly)

* Hot summer night *

* My head's been set
alight... *

You're gonna miss Seaman's Day,
Michael.

-Big call.
-MICHAEL: I'll be back

-in time for the gig, though.
-Yeah.

I hope you're not huffin'
and puffin' for nothin'.

-(Michael laughs)
-By which I mean,

I hope you see a puffin.

-I love this guy.
-(chuckles)

Love you, baby.

-(engine starts)
-(car door closes)

See you Tuesday!

Tatty bye.

-Ooh. House is this way, Nell.
-I know.

I just want one thing.

Is it? Oh.

(entry bell tinkles)

Sorry, what were they called?

Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.

Oh, right.

And they're a sort of cup.

NELL: Uh, well, no, they're...
they're a sort of, like,

peanut butter in a kind of...

-Parcel, is it?
-Mm, no, not...

Um, like a...

I don't know.

-Marcus.
-CHARLES: Uh...

Sorry about this.

Oh. Hello.

Can you see if

the peanut butter's
been delivered, please?

-Oh, that's lovely.
-Oh, yes.

-Very nice stationery.
-AMANDA: Thank you.

Well, I noticed lots of people
come here to write, so...

Help the writers.

CHARLES:
Long live the scribes.

Nell here is, of course,
a writer extraordinaire.

Was. And even then, not really.

Yes, really.

"Slip Away." One of yours.

-Oh, yeah?
-Oh, yeah.

-You like that one, do you?
-Mm...

Yes, it's an absolute banger,
thank you.

Thank you.

We have this.

CHARLES:
Mm.

-Um...
-(smacks lips)

You could maybe...

put it in a cup?

Yeah, I mean...

Yeah, I mean... Yeah.

(spoon clanking in cup)

-So what's the vibe?
-Huh?

With the, uh... with her.

The shopkeeper.

Oh.

Uh, uh, Amanda.

She's, um...

She lives with, uh,
the lad and, um...

mother, I think, somewhere.

You quite like her, though.

So get her number.

I don't think we're
quite there, numbers-wise.

What do you mean?

There. We're not there,
numbers-wise.

(laughs)

Also, I'd have to march up

right outside her shop
and use her phone box.

-Not a great look, is it?
-That's true.

Ooh, invite her to the gig.

-No. Not happening.
-Why? Why not?

Because no.

I-- That's my worst thing
about gigs, is other people.

Pushing, singing along...

-She's one person, Charlie.
-I know she's one person.

She's not going to start
a mosh pit, is she?

CHARLES:
What's a mosh pit?

(playing mid-tempo melody)

* Your photograph *

(bench creaking)

* Makes me envy your past. *

* *

(creaking)

(Herb sighs)

* *

CHARLES:
Ah.

Genius at work.

Did someone order a...

Nell Mortimer solo album?

I don't think they did.

I would be at the front of
the queue in HMV, believe me.

Get the old elbows out.

Oh. Herbivore.

Why are you so cheerful?

(chuckles) Have a look at that.

-NELL: Oh, wow.
-HERB: Yep.

-There's a lot to that.
-NELL: Wow. Oh, my good--

Oh!

Oh...

We look about 12.

HERB:
I mean, look at that hair.

-Yeah, it's not great.
-Awful.

-Not good hair. -Don't know
what I was thinking.

-Okay. Remember that day?
-NELL: Ooh, I like these.

-Yeah. -HERB: I just remember
being cold.

-NELL: It's a swimming pool.
-HERB: And annoyed all day.

Yeah, that rings a bell.

Oh, my goodness.

HERB:
Huh?

NELL: Tickets from
our Roundhouse gig in '09.

Oh, yes, please. We were there.

HERB:
Well, yeah, you've got tickets.

Yes, I know.
That's how we got 'em.

Fantastic. That gig.

Had the world at our feet,
Charles.

CHARLES:
Now, if no one objects,

I thought I might make a curry.

A good old Dr. Currold Shipman,
at your servissimo.

With, of course,
the Condoleezza Rice.

Okay.

What?

I think we might be back
to square one, Herb.

HERB:
Well, get it out.

-Get it out.
-Oh, right. Okay.

(McGwyer Mortimer song
playing over record player)

Quickly.

-You're boiling my phone.
-(laughs)

-HERB: Okay, Morning Haze...
-NELL: No.

HERB: ...as an album...
Listen. Please listen.

NELL:
So what I'm saying is that

that was the first time
you could see

-where we were going.
-No. No, I don't think...

Like, the first...
like, we stopped

trying to do, like, rock or...

-Rock? Did you just say rock?
-NELL: Yeah. Yeah, rock.

HERB: When were we ever
trying to do rock?

-What are you talking about?
-NELL: You, you I remember...

You told Rich Hamner that
you wanted "Give Your Love"

to sound like The Libertines.

I... Come on.

-Is that true?
-Yeah.

-Okay.
-Hun... Hundred percent.

HERB: It was cool.
It wasn't what we were doing.

It had nothing to do with
the music we were making.

I got to say, this is
brilliant. I'm loving this.

I am absolutely loving this.

Just McGwyer Mortimer
just exchanging anecdotes.

Why not?
I feel like David Letterman.

I really do.
With a chicken xacuti.

Herb?

-Ah... Herb?
-(music stops)

Herb.

He's an enigma.

He's gone to get his guitar.

-Oh, has he? Has he?
-Hmm. Hmm.

Ah.

-(footsteps approaching)
-Oh, the wanderer returns.

Herb.

-Oh.
-You all right?

-Yeah.
-Yeah?

Gonna prove a point now?

-You ready to rock?
-Mm. Oh, wow. Okay.

(both laughing)

(strumming mid-tempo intro)

* If you need some affection *

* And you're feeling
all alone *

* Reach on through
your reflection *

* Pick up the phone *

* And you can stay
if you're staying *

* Well, I don't need to know *

* We'll just keep
the music playing *

* And let the evening flow
till we know *

* Till it shows us
where it wants to go *

* Oh, give your love,
give your love to me *

* Give your love,
give your love to me *

HERB:
Charles?

* Honey, give your love *

* Give your love to me *

* The love I need *

* Oh, yes, indeed. *

(song ends)

It's not rock.

No.

Not when you play it like that.

Wowsers. I mean, wowsers
in your trousers. That's...

I mean, oh,
my goodness gracious me.

That's something else.
That's, um...

That's something...

Everything's there,
and that's somewhere else.

Just believe me.
That's... I'm speechless.

-Well, you're not.
-Well, I am.

I mean, I've never,
you know... That's... Yeah.

And I've seen a thing or two,
believe me.

Keep your Niagara Falls.
Keep your Hadrian's Wall.

Keep the lot.
Keep Alton Towers.

That's beautiful.
That's what it's about.

You two.

The bees' bollocks, basically.

Fantastic.

Probably gonna go to bed.

-Turn in?
-Yeah.

Absolutely. Hundred percent.

-Leave 'em wanting more.
-Yep.

-NELL: Night. Mm-hmm.
-Salute. Yes, big day tomorrow.

Seaman's Day.

-Lest we forget.
-HERB: Yeah.

Come on.

And everything.

Wonderful, that.

(Herb clears throat softly)

(gentle melody playing
on piano)

(gentle melody continues)

(humming quietly)

Hey.

-Here you go.
-Thanks.

Um... set list-wise,

I think we shouldn't do
"Our Love." Really.

-All right.
-It just feels kind of, um,

-Okay.
-like it wouldn't work live,

I think.

Maybe do "Inside a Whale"
or something.

-Mm-hmm.
-(strumming)

Um, you...

-You're not online, are you?
-Yeah, sort of.

It's not great 4G,
but yeah. Why?

Um, can I borrow your phone,
just quickly?

Yeah.

-Is this the album cover?
-It's only a mock-up.

-It's not, you know...
-Right.

Feat?

Yeah, like, um...
like "featuring."

-Ah.
-You know?

Yeah.

What-what do you think?

I mean...

I make chutney now,
so, you know,

-who cares what I think?
-Well, I do.

Come on, please.

Do you want me to say
that I like it

or do you want me to be honest?

Okay.

Wait.

Have they whitened your teeth?

-Yeah. See?
-Oh, my God.

-Wow.
-(laughs)

Wait.

Let me see what
they look like in real life.

-No, no, it's not me.
-CHARLES: Knock, knock.

-Knock, knock.
-Oh.

Sorry to interrupt.

Um, just to say, Nell,
we are an hour away

-from low tide.
-Oh.

-And, um, Herb...
-Mm?

I found another one.

Ah.

All right.

-(grunts)
-15-love.

No, just the sheer connection

between the two of you.

It's incredible, Herb.

-(both grunt)
-30-love.

You can't fake that, Herb.

You cannot fake it.

-(Herb groans)
-40-love.

Ridiculous.

And I'm not just
talking musically, Herb.

I'm talking chemist...

"chemistrarily."

The two of you,
you're just so good together.

Just two people
in perfect harmony.

Literally.

And I know, of course,
you are now

the great Herb McGwyer,
the solo artist,

and I'm all for that,
fair play to you,

but I must say, just from
a neutral's perspective,

just seeing the two of you,
you just think,

"Why are they not
still together?"

(grunts)

-Oh, I wasn't ready.
-And that's one-nil.

And that's game, Charles.

We change ends. We go again.

-Fantastic, that.
-Hell of a serve

-you got on you.
-Oh! Well,

I've no one to play with.

So, basically,
the only thing I can practice

is the old serve.

The dreaded serve.

Whoa!
It's a bit of a weapon.

Yeah, you're a bit of a weapon.

-Pardon me?
-Okay.

-Huh?
-You ready?

Uh, yeah, I'm ready.

Born ready.

Aah!

You see, this is the issue.

I've not returned a serve
for six years.

(grunts)

-New balls, please.
-AMANDA: Right you are.

And also, of course,
lest we forget,

a very happy Seaman's Day
to you.

-Happy Seaman's Day to you.
-CHARLES: Thank you.

-I thought you were leaving.
-No.

Oh, yeah, I was,
but, I mean, I didn't.

Where do you play?

-Pardon me?
-Tennis.

Oh, just, no. Just at home.

Just rubbish.

He's got a court.

Really?

Yeah, did you not...

You two should play sometime.

Oh, I, uh...

-(chuckles)
-(weak chuckle)

Do I have to come
dressed like this?

(laughing) Exactly.

The 1970s called.
They want Björn Borg back.

I don't know
why you're laughing, mate.

-They're your clothes.
-They are my clothes.

Yeah, they are.

-Uh, do you have Calippos?
-Oh, no.

-Sorry, what was that?
-CHARLES: I did say

-it was a long shot.
-Um, Calippos.

They're like, uh,
round lollies.

Well, they're not round.
They're cylindrical.

They're sort of yea...

they're yea wide
and yea sort of long.

I've got choc ices.

-Perfect, yeah.
-Different. Okay.

-Right this way.
-Ah, of course.

The old, uh, chest freezer.

-There they are.
-There they are. Oh.

(wrappers crinkling)

(grunting softly)

Um, on a slightly
different note, Amanda,

-do you like music?
-Sorry?

Do you like...
Sorry.

Do you like music?
Sort of singing

-and dancing?
-Well, not dancing.

No, no, but sort of singing

and playing music.
Like, music.

Uh, suppose it-it depends
what it is, really.

-Well, yeah, obviously.
-Well, of course it does.

Well, specifically,
McGwyer Mortimer.

Oh, I... uh... I-I...

-As in Herb McGwyer?
-No, I...

-Who is that?
-Who's that?

Only the best-selling
UK folk rock artist of 2014.

And also the man
stood right before us.

There he is--
the man, the myth.

-Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry.
-It's fine.

What did you say your name was?

-Doesn't matter. Doesn't...
-CHARLES: Herb McGwyer.

-AMANDA: I think, uh...
-"Raspberry Fair"?

-(smacks lips)
-No?

-Uh...
-"Inside a Whale"? No?

-"Our Love"?
-Well, don't just name

the old stuff. There's...

Uh, "Work the Body"
is more recent,

featuring, uh, Little Peas.

Or "Step on It"
featuring Baby Gal.

* Raspberry Fair... *

(finishes off-key)

* I couldn't say hi *

* 'Cause I was coconut shy. *

Oh, I mainly listen to ABBA.

* *

"What are you doing
on Tuesday night?"

That's what
you should have said.

-Come on.
-Not, "Do you like music?"

Dearie me. We can't all be
lotharios, thank you very much.

-What?
-We can't all be lotharios.

-I'm not a lothario, mate.
-I'm not saying

-you are a lothario.
-Sounds like you are.

I'm saying I'm not a lothario.

-Yeah, evidently.
-It's been a long while.

-Five years, if you're asking.
-Uh-huh.

Well, she likes tennis,
clearly.

-Mm-hmm.
-Ask her round to play.

Ask her round to play?
You're joking.

-I'm not nine.
-(laughs)

Well, I'm not, am I?

"Ask her round to play."

My goodness.
Very sexy, I don't think.

* *

(door opens)

-Oh, shit. Sorry.
-Oh. Hey.

-No, no, it's, uh...
-Sorry.

It's nothing you haven't
seen before.

Yeah, there is.

Have you got a tattoo?

Um, I've got four.

Cool.

Well, get out, you pervert.

-Sorry.
-Go on.

(footsteps approaching)

-What you doing?
-CHARLES: Oh.

No, uh, nothing. Just, um...

It's just, uh, an invitation
to the gig for Amanda.

Pop it round. Yeah.

Okay. Good.

HERB:
Okay. Come on, then.

-What's the plan?
-CHARLES: Ah, yes.

It is a simple case of
jacket potato, baked beans,

flip open the lids
on a couple of home brews

and lay waste
to some Red Leicester.

Okay, but I mean
for Seaman's Day.

As in... I-I mean,
what do you mean?

NELL:
Are we not...

You've mentioned it
several times.

Seaman's Day?

I mean, it's just...
it's-it's Seaman's Day.

I mean, it's not, you know...

But what... So, like,
is there any activity,

like, pinned to it?

Pinned?

HERB: Well, is there
anything to do on...

because it's Seaman's Day
or, uh...

Well, I mean, easiest way to
explain is it's Seaman's Day.

-HERB: Right.
-So it's just, you know,

Seaman's Day-- it's-it's just
the day of Seaman's Day.

I mean, no one really
does anything for it.

Oh.

-Okay.
-Okay.

-(Herb chuckles)
-Well...

Well, we are.

Can we?

* *

-(Nell laughing)
-CHARLES: This stuff here

is gauze, and this stuff
here... Be careful.

HERB: He means... He's trying
to say "gorse," I think.

CHARLES: He-he's not
trying to say "gorse."

-NELL: All right.
-HERB: Let's go, Nell.

-Go on.
-Oh! Missed it.

I can do better.

HERB:
What a terrible delivery.

-I can and I will.
-NELL: Whoo!

-Now, then. Now, then, watch!
-(Nell and Herb cheering)

Come on!

-That's a home run.
-Wrong sport, mate.

-I'm having that tomato. I am.
-No!

-No, Herb. Get off. No. -No,
I'm having it. I'm having it.

-Your dirty little paws...
-You're gonna squash it.

-Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!
-Yes!

-CHARLES: Children, children.
-(Herb laughs)

-McGwyer Mortimer.
-HERB: Mmm.

-HERB: Mm, yeah.
-CHARLES: We're in, yeah.

And plop.

There she goes.

To paraphrase The Beatles,
there goes the sun.

-Fan of The Beatles, Herb?
-Can we just...

-Oh, I bet you are.
-...watch the sunset in si...?

-I bet you bloody are.
-Yes, I like The Beatles.

Let's watch the sunset, okay?

We were lucky enough once
to, um, see

the, uh, Bootleg Beatles.

HERB:
Brilliant.

Have you seen them, Herb?

Something else.
Tight as a drum.

-HERB: Okay, just....
-CHARLES: Hit after hit.

Can we just please...
Can we just watch the sunset?

CHARLES: Can we just please
appreciate this damn sunset?

(Herb and Nell laughing)

-Shall we, um...
-Okay, yeah.

-Let's pack up and head back.
-No, wait, wait, wait, w-wait.

-I've got a thing.
-CHARLES: Oh.

Just sit down.

CHARLES (grunting):
Rest the legs.

NELL:
So, I brought these

to do with Michael,
but he's off perving

-over puffins or whatever.
-(Charles laughs)

-(laughing): There you go.
-Thank you.

For you. And pens.

-There you go.
-To write on the lanterns.

To write on the lanterns.

Um, what do we...
what do we write?

We're writing, um...

-Just... (chuckles)
-...wishes.

People, names,
thoughts, prayers.

-I mean, mainly wishes.
-HERB: Okay.

-Primarily wishes.
-Primarily wishes.

And privately.

Okay.

I've got all my wishes
right here.

Sat on a pebbled beach
with McGwyer Mortimer.

No further questions, genie.

-Eff off.
-(Herb and Nell laugh)

* *

-HERB: What?
-Have you got writer's block?

-Yeah. -Do you want me to write
the last ten percent for you?

-Is that...
-No, I'm doing it.

-Can I help you?
-I-I'm doing...

-Thank you. I'm doing it.
Very funny. -Yeah.

-I think I know whose name
you're writing. -Huh?

Amanda?

CHARLES:
Three, two, one.

Think we know where
it's gonna go, though.

(laughter)

-Three, two, one.
-Two, one.

-CHARLES: Alley-oop.
-HERB and NELL: Go!

(all exclaiming)

-CHARLES: Go on!
-NELL: Whoo!

-HERB: Whoo!
-CHARLES: Yes, please, Louise!

* *

HERB:
Look at my one go.

CHARLES: Well, look at
my one go, by that rationale.

(Herb and Nell chuckling)

CHARLES:
Oh, dearie me.

-(Herb laughing)
-Oh, my goodness.

-Hold, hold.
-Can we just speed up?

-This is...
-We can't speed up.

-We speed down if anything.
-I'm running.

-What are you doing?
No, no, no. -No.

-Herb!
-Herb, man! (grunts)

-You're reckless.
-He doesn't have any...

-NELL: Oh!
-CHARLES: Right, we made it.

-Right, come on.
-NELL: Oh, my goodness.

-CHARLES: Okay, we're in.
-HERB: Right.

-NELL: In, in, in, in, in.
-Access all areas.

-Fantastic.
-HERB: Whoops. Sorry.

-NELL: Oh, my gosh.
-HERB: Okay, it's all right.

-I'm fine.
-Oh. We're in. Lovely.

Uh, right.

-To bed for I, I think.
-Okay. Yeah.

-Oh, my gosh.
-Uh, pint of water.

Yeah.

-Quick widdle, and then, uh...
-(Herb and Nell chuckle)

...climb the wooden hill
to, uh, dear old Bedfordshire.

-So, what now?
-Oh, what a Seaman's Day!

-You tired?
-We did it!

-No.
-(Charles sighs)

-NELL: Are you counting?
-HERB: I was trying to.

Hang on. But there are 64...
I can't do that. I give up.

-That's a lot of omelets.
-It's too many eggs.

-(Nell laughing)
-It's not one chicken

that's produced all those.

Wait. I thought you didn't want
to do that one.

Well, I mean...

He requested it.

* Sometimes when you sleep *

* You look like *

* You're on
the bottom of the sea *

* Sometimes when you smile *

* I can see how *

* You would've looked
as a child *

* When your eyes are gold *

* It seems impossible
to think *

* That we could ever grow old *

* When your eyes are bright *

* It seems impossible
to think *

* You're not creating
the light *

* Our love *

* Can you hear me call? *

* Will you break my heart *

* Or break my fall? *

(chuckles softly)

(stops playing guitar)

What?

We should tour.

-(laughs)
-Yeah.

You and me, we should tour.

We should do like, you know,
back in the day, small venues.

It's... It's...

It's still... It's...

I mean, you feel that, right?

You're right.

-About what?
-It's bullshit.

The stuff I'm doing now
is bullshit.

I didn't...

It's different.
You and me was different.

It was... it was the real deal.

You know what I wrote
on my lantern, right?

And I know what
you wrote on yours.

-What?
-Tell me.

(scoffs)
It's none of your business.

Be honest. Just tell me.

-It wasn't about you.
-Come on. It was.

I know you.

I know you're not happy.

(laughing):
What? No, you don't.

Making chutney
with that cheeseball.

Don't talk about him like that.
You don't know him.

I know that you miss this, us.

I'm... I'm not having
this conversation, Herb.

Or you couldn't sing
those songs.

Not like that.

They're just songs, Herb.

They're our songs.

Tell me I'm wrong, then.

I missed our music.

Not us.

It's the same thing.

It has to be.

That's all there is.

I still love you, Nell.

(scoffs)
I shouldn't have come. I...

You... you knew
what would happen.

-I didn't. I just...
-Of course you did.

-No, I didn't. I just...
-That's why you came. You...

I'm all over the place
at the moment and...

pr... pregnant.

So... so I'm not getting into
your bullshit, Herb, again.

I'm just not.

And you don't love me, okay?

You love the past.

And it was great-- it was--
but it's gone now.

It's time to grow up, Chris.

* *

* *

* *

(thunder rumbling)

-(coughing)
-(water running)

(clears throat)

(knocks)

Nell?

Hello?

Charles?

(birds singing)

Um, thanks for the hair.

It's the least I could do.

-I'm so sorry.
-No. No, no, no. Honestly.

Stop it. I'm sorry.

Um...

We just couldn't,
you know, get her back.

I thought we could.

I thought I could have
the music without, you know,

the other stuff,
but I just couldn't.

I don't think
I helped matters per se.

Just in the old
planning department.

(Nell laughs)

Communications-wise, just...

Well, you know for next time,
when you invite Fleetwood Mac.

(laughing):
Oh. Fleetwood Mac.

Not so much, no. Um...

No, it was always
McGwyer Mortimer.

Marie's favorite.

She was, uh...

She loved you before she, um...

When did she die?

Five years ago, yeah, tomorrow.

Hence the gig.

Anyway, we should, um,

get a wiggle on,
just boat-wise.

-He's the one you want.
-Oh, God, yeah. Yes.

-No, I mean... well, I mean...
-(laughing)

No, no, no. No, I don't...
I want both of you.

-No, I know.
-Yeah, no.

For the harmonies, obviously.

-Yeah.
-Famously.

(panting)

(grunts)

You know what you need to do.

The Nell Mortimer solo album.

Yes.

No, it's a bad time.

Maybe that's where I come in.

* *

(panting heavily)

The kraken wakes.

-Is that... Is she on there?
-Nell.

She, um...

She apologizes
for sneaking off.

She just didn't feel she could
quite get there musically.

I mean, I disagree--
of course I do--

but I guess you arty types

are cut from slightly
different cloth than I.

She, um...

(Herb yells)

Completely.

No, completely agree, Herb.

What do you think
we're thinking, gig-wise, Herb?

Because from my POV,
the show certainly can go on.

I mean, if you're happy to, um,
play on your tod, as 'twere.

-Herb.
-(grunts)

Are you winding me up?

You've ruined my life.

-Have I?
-I mean...

(panting):
This is...

What have you done?

I don't know. What, uh...

I haven't seen her
for nine years.

-(Charles whimpers)
-Before you engineer this,

chuck money at us,

throw us back together
for your entertainment.

No, for the music,
though, isn't it, huh?

Dripping shit into my ear.

When have I done that? Come on.

How we're so good together.

-You are.
-We should be together.

But you should be.
Musically, you should be.

-Come on, Herb.
-Playing us like marionettes.

-No.
-Yes.

-Herb, no.
-Yes.

This was the plan all along,
wasn't it?

-No, sir.
-Get me dancing to your tune.

Shove your bloody hand
up my arse.

I certainly do not want
to shove it up there,

-thank you very much.
-You're-you're like

-a cut-price Geppetto, mate.
-I'm not.

That's all you are.

-Well, I'm not, you know...
-Mm-hmm.

I'm not Pinocchio.

I know.

You're a real boy.

You've ruined my life.

I wish you'd stop staying that.

-You've ruined my life.
-Herb.

I wish you'd stop
staying that. Herb!

(thunder rumbling)

There is one at 5:00, but, um,

I don't think
Peter will be, uh...

He tends not to risk it
when the storm's up.

Um...

(sighs)
I mean, I would phone ahead,

but, um...

obviously, once you're at
the phone box, I mean,

you're more or less there
anyway, aren't you, so, uh...

The plectrum.

-That's my guitar, you see.
-(slams lid shut)

Which, I mean, obviously,
you can, um...

It feels appropriate
that you...

("Lover Please Stay"
by McGwyer Mortimer playing)

Want a hand, Herb?

-(guitar cases clattering)
-(Herb groans in frustration)

You all right, Herb?

(thunder rumbling)

HERB and NELL:
* September the eighth *

* And summer is ending *

* I'm lying in bed
and watching you pack *

* You don't wanna wait *

* And keep on pretending *

* The cares of the world
will never come back *

-* But, lover, give me... *
-(grunts in frustration)

HERB:
Yeah, but can we charter one?

Charter.

It's just another word
for "hire."

Could we hire a boat
that can go in bad weather?

No, the gig's off, man.
I'm not doing it.

(pay tone ringing)

Yeah, I know we need
the money, Zeb.

-I just...
-(ringing stops)

Well, maybe I won't
do the album, then.

I don't know.

Yeah, I'm serious.

Yes.

Yes, I saw it. I hate it.

Did they whiten my teeth?

On the image.

No.

No, it's not okay, no.

Because...

Because artists don't
whiten their teeth, Zeb.

That's, like,
the definition of an artist.

I don't know.

Because there isn't
a boat, Zeb!

When there's a boat,
I know when I'll be back!

* Oh, lover, please stay. *

(entry bell tinkles)

(Herb sighing)

(song ends)

Raining, is it?

Yeah. Um...

do you sell towels?

I got kitchen towels.

Okay.

(plastic bag rustling)

(coins clinking)

Um, do you know?

Uh, two of those.

-Thanks.
-Ta.

Leaving again?

(chuckles) Trying to.

Actually, um,
could I leave my stuff here?

(stammers)
I'm getting the morning boat,

and I don't want to have to
lug it all the way back to...

where I'm staying.

Yeah, sure.

Thanks.

Everything okay?

Um...

My son, he knows you.

He played me "Raspberry Fair."

I liked it.

Cool. Thank you.

(door creaking)

* *

(water continues running)

(soft clattering outside room)

Herb, it's Charles.

Obviously.

Just to say I-I left a bowl
of soup outside your door.

In case you want it.

-HERB: No, thanks.
-Well, it's there.

I mean...

just so you don't step in it,
was my point.

I don't want it.

And, Herb, for what it's worth,
I'm sorry.

I really didn't mean to do
whatever it is that I've done.

I guess it's one of them, Herb.

Some things...

Some things,
you just can't get back.

(birds calling)

(sighs)

MICHAEL:
Help yourself.

I made coffee.

Thanks.
Yeah, I didn't know you were...

-Just got back this morning.
-Oh.

Uh, did you...
did you see your puffin?

I saw a whole circus.

That's the term--
a circus of puffins.

(clicks tongue) Great.

Hear the gig went well.

Charlie says you brought it
forward a couple days.

I'm sorry I missed it.

But I suppose he wanted it
to be a private thing.

I mean, that's what
he paid for, so...

Yeah. I guess so.

I'm just glad it all
worked out.

Yeah. Uh, me, too.

I mean, I know what happened.

I see you, Herb McGwyer.

See right through you.

And I get it.

All the stuff since Nell--

the collaborations, collabs--

it's embarrassing.

I mean, look at you.

You're a joke.

(Michael sets mug on table)

Guess we'd better get
this boat, huh?

* *

(sets mug on table)

MICHAEL: Thanks for everything,
Charlie boy.

-Fare thee well.
-Oh.

-Fare ye well indeed.
-Fare thee well.

CHARLES:
And love to Nell, of course.

(grunts)

(birds calling)

* *

* *

No, no, no.

No.

Herb!

Herb!

Herb!

No, Herb!

Oh, my God, Herb. Herb!

Herb!

(grunts) Come on.

Herb! Herb! Herb!

Oh, mercy me.

That's cold. Herb!

-What are you doing?
-(Herb panting)

Herb, don't do it!

(grunts) Herb!

Herb! I'm gonna save you!

(yells) No!

Don't do it, Herb!

Herb!

(muffled grunt)

Help me!

Herb!

(Charlie screams, gurgles)

Help me, Herb!

HERB:
Charles!

(yelps, screams)

(both panting)

Oh, my God.

Thank God you're okay! (spits)

What were you doing?

Oh, thank God
you're okay, Herb!

You were the one
shouting for help, Charles.

(Charles yelling)

This was filling up. It's...

It's like swimming
with an anvil, Herb.

No, no, I mean why...
why were you out here?

You can stand up.

Why were you here?!

I was just swimming.

I thought it was more of a...

I was worried it was
a situation.

-What? What situation?
-(spits)

-Situation!
-Wh-What do you mean?

Like a bad one, basically!

Well, it was pretty drowny
out there for a minute.

I was just swimming, Charles.

Yeah, in your knick-knocks.

It doesn't exactly instill
confidence, does it?

-You okay?
-No.

You missed your boat.

I'll get a later one.
There's a boat at 5:00.

Sometimes. Sometimes.

Why don't you stay?
Just stay... one night,

and we'll have dinner.

I-I have a halibut.

Hell of a halibut.

-Did you, um...
-We'll eat that, break bread.

Did you pay Nell anyway?

I'll pay you, too, Herb. I...
You don't have to do the gig.

I'll pay you, too.
I-I-I'll pay you, too.

And then tomorrow you set sail,

you-you-you set off
with the money.

Take the money and run.

Well, that's
my indecent proposal.

Decent proposal, really.

It's not a bad one.

Just don't suddenly
go swimming, man,

in your underpants.

* *

(sighs)

(tapping in distance)

* *

(sighs)

* *

* *

(cell phone vibrating)

(chuckles)

Zeb.

Hey. I, um...

(chuckling):
I was just about to call you.

Yeah, I know.
Um, I-I guess the rice.

Back from the dead.

(grunts)

(grunting, panting)

Well, I mean, that's, um...

(panting heavily)

(clock ticking)

(alarm ringing)

(sighs) Finally.

Right, then, old friend.

Let's get you over with.

(knocking)

(Charles sighs)

CHARLES:
Oh, um...

-Hello.
-Hello.

-I'm sorry I'm so late.
-It's all right.

(Amanda chuckles)

Sorry. In what way late?

Oh, for the, um...

uh, for this.

Uh...

AMANDA:
He, uh... he dropped it off.

Your friend.
Uh, I can't remember his name.

-Herb.
-Herb.

He's doing the bloody gig.

-Herb is.
-(chuckles)

Oh, my God.
Herb, mate, what you doing?

He's doing it.

Oh, crikey.

I've just baked
an entire halibut.

Uh, have it after.

Got to be, hasn't it?

Gig, then fish.

-Delish.
-Delish.

(laughs)

Flask.

Sorry. Just gonna get
a thermos flask for the gig.

Oh.

* *

(rocks clattering)

HERB: * There's only
one taste I receive *

-Okay. Oh, my God.
-* There's only one place... *

-It's started.
-(footsteps crunching)

-(shushing)
-(Amanda chuckling)

Don't crunch them.

* For your sweet heart *

-All right.
-Hello.

HERB:
Thought you weren't coming.

-Sit ourselves there.
-* And there is only *

* One light that will shine *

* Only one sight so sublime *

* Only one place in the world
I need as mine *

* Is your sweet heart. *

-CHARLES: Oh, God.
-(Amanda laughs)

-Yes, please. Yes, please.
-Thank you.

(chuckles):
Thanks very much.

Okay, Wallis Island,
how you feeling?

Well, well, well,
fantastic, Herb.

We'll start with
a couple old classics.

-Yes.
-Um, and this is

track number five from our
first album, Morning Haze.

-Okay, Charl...
-"Raspberry Fair"!

-Thank-thank you, Charles.
-CHARLES: Correctamundo.

Uh, you-you know this one,
Amanda, at least.

* You've been
talking to no one *

* Looking at nothing *

* Wandering nowhere
in particular *

* Eyes bright and bold *

* Marigold in your hair *

Everybody now!

-(singing along)
-* Raspberry Fair *

* I feel a tap on my arm
from behind *

-* Raspberry Fair... *
-Ooh.

* Freedom is exploring
your constriction *

* Like you're living
inside a whale. *

* Now the summer's here *

-Ooh, that's hot.
-* The days are long *

-Thank you.
-* The skies are blue *

Careful.

* And the summer's here *

* And I'm with you. *

-Oh, sorry.
-Oh, that's bright.

-AMANDA: Whoo!
-CHARLES: Yes, please, Herb!

* And if we can't go home *

* I guess we'll stay out *

* And if we're forced to roam *

* Let's find something
to sing about. *

-(song ends)
-Oh!

-It had to end.
-There we go.

All good things, Herb.
Another one of them.

-Another one of them, Herb!
-(Herb chuckles)

So, this is a song
about lost love,

and it's the last time
I'm ever gonna play this.

So I hope you're listening,
Marie.

(gentle acoustic intro playing)

* Sometimes when you sleep *

* You look like *

* You're on the bottom
of the sea *

* Sometimes when you smile *

* I can see *

* How you would've looked
as a child *

-* When your eyes are gold *
-(Nell's harmony vocal plays)

* Seems impossible to think *

* We could ever grow old *

* When your eyes are bright *

* It seems impossible
to think *

* You're not creating
the light *

* Let's walk in the sun *

* Let our palms read
to each other *

* What's to come *

* Let's walk in the rain *

* And let the wind *

* Carry us home again *

(quiet chatter)

* When the sky's
full of stars *

* It seems impossible
to think *

* That they don't know
who we are *

* When the trees are in bloom *

* It seems impossible
to think *

* That they're not
doing it for you *

-* Our love... *
-(Charles sighs)

CHARLES:
That's lovely, in't it?

(song fades)

Just the sheer...

majesty of it, power.

It is a serious contender,
isn't it?

Shh.

It...

Yeah, shh.

The waves.

No, shh like...

-Shut up?
-Don't say anything.

Yeah. Sling your hook.

-Just take it in, Charles.
-Take it in. Drink it in.

Glug, glug.

(sighs)

Water, water everywhere.

You would be absolutely
bonkers, well, to drink it.

Well, you would be.

Packed full of salt.

-HERB (sighing): Ah, yes.
-Right, well, don't forget

-your, uh... There you are.
-Yeah.

-You got it? The money.
-Yeah.

The magnificent moola.

Oh. Love that.

Herb McGwyer with the ocean.

If you could see yourself now.

Well, you wouldn't be there.
You...

Shut up.

Shut up and shove off, Charles.

-Thank you, Charles.
-Oh, God, right.

We're doing that, are we?

(Charles grunts)

(sighs) Thank you, Charles.

Thank you, Herb, really.

Really.

(sighs):
Okay.

-Okay.
-Okay.

There he is.

Herb McGwyer.

Legend.

Waving.

Oh, wave back.

The double.

(boat departing)

Right.

A little bit of lunch,
methinks.

First, breakfast.

The thorny issue of breakfast.

(ticking)

("Sky Child"
by McGwyer Mortimer playing)

(sighs)

* I'm sky child *

* I'm the bright child *

* I'm sky child *

* I can fly child *

* The sky above me *

* Says I don't understand *

* Why you won't love me *

* When I know that you can *

* Because *

* I'm sky child *

* I live in light child *

-* I'm sky child *
-(knocking)

* The sky above me *

* Says I don't understand *

* Why you won't love me *

* When I know that you can *

* Because *

* Look to the sky *

* Don't ask why *

* Yeah, we can fly *

* And fly, my lovely *

* Put your heart in my hand *

* And try to love me *

* Like I know that you can. *

(song ends)

-(Herb clearing throat)
-(guitar strumming)

HERB:
Okay, this is, um,

"The Ballad of Wallis Island"
by Chris Pinner.

Take one.

(acoustic guitar playing
gentle intro)

* You opened my eyes *

* Helped me remember *

* Outside it's July *

* My head's in December *

* It's bad for my health *

* I'm tired of lying
to myself *

* I needed a friend *

* To throw me a lifeline *

* Remember to lend *

* Not to keep taking
all the time *

* Gotta move on *

* Stop chasing something
I don't want *

* I'm leaving the island *

* I'm leaving the island
behind me *

* Back to the mainland *

* Back to my family *

* And the people who love me *

* The waves will rise *

* The rain will pour *

* I keep my eyes *

* Fixed on the shore *

* I'm leaving the island *

* Leaving the island
behind me *

* Back to the mainland *

* Back to my family *

* And the people who love me. *

(song ends)

Okay, great. Got that one.

Let's, um...

(laughing):
Let's do something else.