All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s02e36 His Highness Doberman

Where is that Doberman?

Doberman, get in here. I gave my pants a
press over an hour ago. He ain't turned

up yet, but the boys are out looking for
him, like you said.

Hey, Sarge.

Why don't you wear your other pants?
Please, please, on the date I have

you do not wear your other pants. You
wear the pants.

Hey, Ernie, she must be something real
special, huh? Please, please, it's not

the gentleman's court to discuss these
things and mix company.

Hey, Todd, is she a blonde?

Please, my lips are sealed. Oh,
brunette. It'll do you no good.

A redhead? You are pretty. I'll tell you
this much, fellas.

The lady in question and I have an awful
lot in common.

Oh, she's bald.

Brother, you're a witty Sicilian.

Sarge. Sarge, there's no sign of
Doberman. No sign of him? How can a

big as Doberman disappear? Hey, Sarge!

I found him! I found Doberman, and guess
where he is? This is nice.

Standing here without any pants, he
wants to play guessing games. Where is

He's taking a shower. Well, tell him I
want my pants pressed up.

Doberman taking a shower.

Doberman taking a shower and nobody
ordered? You saw him yourself?

With water hitting him? A shower?

What do you suppose has gotten into this
guy? I got it.

He's bucking for a discharge on grounds
of insanity.

But I assure you, you'll not get away
with it. Give me my other pants. Come

Fellas, we have a new man in the outfit.

Corporal, why didn't you tell me the tab
hunter joined our platoon?

Sarge, it's me, Doberman.

Looks a little like Doberman.

Doesn't smell like Doberman.

Thanks, Sarge.

Angel's kiss, number seven. Isn't he
lovely?

He's like a fat page out of Esquire.

I noticed your pants are dressed.

Nice crease.

Yeah.

Very simple.

The man has discovered his natural
beauty and he's embellishing it. That's

Yeah, but do you think we ought to let
him wander around in that condition?

You remember what happened the time he
went into town and car jobs took him for

his bundle? Well, that could happen
again.

Oh, knock it off. Just because he's a
private in the army doesn't mean he's

entitled to his own privacy. He's a big
boy. He'll protect himself.

Besides, he's got a hundred dollars on
him.

We better protect him. Let's follow him.

Good, isn't it?

Mmm, it's fresh, isn't it?

Hot porch sundaes are my favorite.

Me too.

I don't know about you, but I like it
with rocky road ice cream.

Me too.

Gee, we got lots in common.

You know, I was wondering about
something.

Yes, Lillian?

Do you believe in love at first sight?

You know something?

I was thinking about you all afternoon
while I was in the beauty parlor.

You were?

Now that's a coincidence.

I had your face before me all afternoon
when I was down in the grease pit.

Our Doberman. Yeah, the slobbers in
love. Imagine, Doberman. Yeah, Doberman

a girl. All that. That's not Doberman
and the girl at the soda fountain.

That's Romeo and Juliet on the balcony.
A little on the pudgy side, but Romeo

and Juliet never mind.

Hey, Sarge, are you supposed to think of
getting married?

You'll never make it on a private's pay.
Yeah, and the poor kid, she's probably

a waitress or something. No, we've got
to see that they make it. Remember,

romance comes to people once in their
lifetime. In an indulgence case, it's a

miracle it came even once. What can we
do? We can help him. What's the first

thing a man needs when he gets married?

A wife.

Don't give me jokes.

A man needs a place to live, a loveness,
an ivy -covered cottage.

Hey, how about the old Quonset hut?

Good idea.

It'll mean we'll have to haul our crap
game someplace else, but it'll be worth

it.

Rocco, clean out that one. We're going
to need it. Right, right. And you,

Ferret, buy me some rummage sales. You
understand? We're going to need second

-hand furniture. But, Sarge, what are we
going to use for money?

Please don't bother me with details.

We'll run a raffle. What are we going to
raffle off? A foreign car.

A foreign car?

I know where I can get a hold of a 1927
Huffmobile with Mexican license plates.

That was a delicious Sunday, Dwayne.
Thank you very much. I'm so glad you

it. Would you drive, Dwayne?

Oh, sure. I'd be delighted. Oh, thank
you.

There. Comfy cozy?

Yes. Oh,

Dwight, I'm so anxious to get home so
Mother and Dad can meet you.

Oh, an English car.

Yes, it is.

Does it shift like a jeep?

Oh, Dwight.

Miss Middleton!

Miss Middleton!

Oh, I beg your pardon, sir. I thought I
recognized that Miss Middleton. Is she

from New York? No, she's a hometown
girl.

Her father's president of consolidated
iron and steel.

Consolidated iron and steel?

Hey, Sarge, her old man's a millionaire.

How do you like this? A minute ago,
Doberman was a schnook. Now he's a

Mother, I was surprised for you. I
brought home a young man I want you to

young man? Oh, John.

John, did you hear that? Isn't it
wonderful? Lillian brought home a young

Is it that Van Cleave boy from
Princeton? Oh, no, Mother. The

No, Mother. Oh, I know who it is. It's
that nice Johnson boy from Harvard. Oh,

Lillian, if you stop asking questions,
Lillian can bring the boy in and you can

see for yourself. Oh, yes, of course.
Bring him in at once, dear.

Come here.

Mother.

A soldier.

Pleased to meet you, dear. A soldier.

Oh, Lillian, how could you? How dare you
bring this man into the house?

Mother, we love each other. Go to your
room.

Oh, no, Olivia. You keep out of this,
John.

Will you please leave at once?

Yes, ma 'am.

I've got it all figured out.

My father will probably give him a yacht
for a wedding present, and when he

comes back from the honeymoon, he'll put
him in charge of the iron and

steelworks. Oh, Dortmund, don't forget
his old friends. Better than that, his

old friends won't forget him. We've got
to help him. All right, same old

Dortmund.

A man who can think and write.

Bill Cole. Yes, sir, thank you. Oh, sir,
I almost forgot, sir.

The mail, sir.

Oh, wait a minute, sir.

These postcards aren't for me. Oh, good
heavens, Dr. Goldman, I'm so upset

today, sir. I'll get them to him. Hold
on, let me see those.

Dwayne Darling. Oh, it's from Scotland.
Who could be writing to him from

Scotland, sir?

Pheasant hunting time in Scotland isn't
the same without you.

Edward and Wally.

Oh, my dear Carol. Dear, dear Duane. Why
haven't you written, you naughty boy?

The prince, baby Carolyn, and I miss you
terribly. Love, Grace.

Sounds like a nice little family lesson,
sir. Grace, baby Carolyn, and they have

a dog named Prince.

Thank you very much, sir.

I don't believe it.

Hello? Get me the Pentagon.

That's what that's in Barker, too? A
royal crest on his undies, well.

And do you know who he corresponds with?

Wally and Edward. And he has the warmest
note from Princess Grace.

Oh, I'd do anything to make amends. I
wished you no names.

No names. Good afternoon, Baron. Good
afternoon. What do you say good

I said good afternoon. Protocol,
protocol.

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon.

That is better. Oh, these dreary
provincial people.

Patience, Baron. They are a very young
country. Madam, against my wishes and

wishes of the embassy, the Crown Prince
insists upon seeing your daughter. Oh,

that's wonderful, wonderful. We'll give
a tremendous party.

Hear this, Slippits? Already they are
using the Crown Prince to promote their

petty social ambitions.

Again, there's a stab in the back. There
will be no big party. Just an intimate

gathering. Oh, of course. No more than
150 people.

Slippits, the guest list. You will
adhere to this list. Please. The menu.

The Crown Prince's National Anthem.
National Anthem? Yes, of course. You

instruct your guests how to sing it. You
will learn this phrase and impart it to

your guests. Here we go.

Also. Hail the Crown Prince. Will you
please sing in unison, please?

Hail the Crown Prince.

Excuse me. This is funny to you, but
this is super fun. You will sing this

respect. After all, we sing your anthem.
Oh, say, can you see?

We do not say, oh, say, can you see?

With respect, also.

Hail the Crown Prince.

Do you not? Do you not have a sentence?

Hail, that's gone. Print, all out. You
learn this and you teach it to your

guests. You understand? All right, that
is better.

Oh, we are late. We are late for our
cocktails with Doc Harneshaw. We go.

Well,

we've got to find him and get...
Feldman, what are you up to?

I'm trashing my uniform for the party
tonight, Sarge. Nonsense. You're wearing

the new army dress uniform.

It's just been issued. Yes, put it on
quickly.

Hey, this looks nice.

Sure it is.

You fellas get yours?

Of course we did, but ours didn't fit.
All of us are not as lucky as you that

any standard size fits you.

Stunning. Just stunning. Oh, I envy a
man with a build that could wear

it looks like it was born on.

I don't have any trouble getting clothes
to fit. Now, remember one thing. At the

party tonight, there's a heavy burden of
responsibility riding on your

shoulders. Well, clothing salesmen will
see me coming. They smile. Yes, I can

know. Sometimes they get hysterical, but
they're... It's up to you tonight.

You have to prove the nobility of the
common soldier. It all rests with you.

Now, I ask you a few questions. Who is
this reception for tonight?

For me. So we carry ourselves with
dignity.

Dignity? Royalty. Up. Your neck is high.
High. High above. I can't find his

neck.

Think in your mind. You're a king. Think
of a king. You're a king. No, no. Not

King Kong. But with a Satan disdain. If
anybody speaks, you smile at them. But

with a Satan disdain in your smile.
Smile.

But that's too broad. Just take it down
a little. How do you cleanse people?

You want to be like me, don't you? You,
poor soul. You want to be... No, no, you

don't say it audibly. You just think it.
How do you do?

I'll curl your lip.

Curl your lip.

Look down.

People like that. They like to be
dominated. Sneer.

Sneer at them. No, you're smiling too
broadly. Too broadly. Not that they put

their hands out to you. Just give them a
nail.

Keep a loop at all times. You're just
going to smile.

Smile with them in a loop. Here's the
key. Think of smelling. If anybody talks

to you, you want to smell?

Smile. Like you're smelling something.

Look at these people. All want to be
like me. You say that in your mind.

Curl your lip. Smile. Let me see your
natural expression.

That's better.

Where's the carpet? The magenta carpet's
crinkly mad.

That is terrible. You will observe these
rules, please.

Here he comes.

Up, up, up, up. We'll have no
ostentation, please. Oh, it's such an

have you here, Your Highness.

Your Highness, what do you mean? What
does she mean?

Oh, he so matters as if he could hide
his secret any longer.

I can be someone who's rather anxious to
see you.

Hello, Duane.

Hello, Lillian. Hello, Lillian.

He's so delicate.

It comes so easy to him.

How can Your Highness... They're playing
your favorite berserker. Would you

favor us with starting the dance, Your
Highness?

Don't read on him, please. You're
fogging his mettle. I'm sorry, ladies.

laws of this country demand that he can
only dance with one commoner a night.

Your Honor, please.

Charming. Charming. How I wish his
father, the emperor, could see him now.

they make a lovely couple?

His highness is so proud.

So regal. So regal indeed you are.

Charming.

When we go to sing the national anthem,
it's such a thrilling song.

Hail the throne.

when it's dawn in my country. I beg your
pardon, madam. There's a Captain Barker

outside. Captain Barker? At that man
that's put in this house, it means war.

Throw him out. Oh, I should see what he
wants. I know what he wants. He wants my

crown prince.

He wants my country. Throw him out. Out!
I won't have him in here. Don't you

think... This is no time to think this
is a time for action. You don't

understand this, Captain Barker.
Otherwise, you'd refer to him in

circles as Mad Dog Barker. Oh, yes, he
won't sit around across the table.

Disgusting. Not him. Drop the bomb, he
says.

I won't have him. Throw him out.

Slip it. Yes, Baron.

Oh, how come it happened? How did Mad
Dog Barker speak through?

Captain Barker. Yes?

He is here, Mad Dog Barker. Warn the
Crown Prince's entire entourage. Inform

Prince that he is here. Quickly. Yes.
Oh.

Oh, mark my words, madam, this will end
up in an international incident.

Uneasy lies ahead that bears the crown.

Oh, it's terrible enough for such a
small little country.

We have no... It's midnight!

The national anthem! Everybody sing!

for you to come. I wish you could have
gotten here sooner. They've run out of

champagne just when the body... Quiet!

Belko, you're going to suffer for
perpetrating this hoax on innocent

Hoax? Sir, if I may say so, isn't that
rather strong language, sir? Never mind,

Belko. You're going to hear much
stronger language.

I'm going to throw the book at you for
this, Belko. Sir, don't you think you

should look at the title phrase? It's
just a story about a boy in love.

With a girl whose mother is standing in
their way simply because he's a soldier,

sir. Do you know how many years you can
get for this filth? Oh, look at the

charges. Impersonation, fraud, duping a
respectable, innocent family. Is

everything all right, Baron?

This makes it even worse, Bilko. Taking
in an innocent girl.

Passing Doberman off as a crown prince.

Oh, Captain, I know all about Duane. He
told me he was born in Allentown,

Pennsylvania, and that he lived with his
mother until he's gone young. You see,

sir, it's an innocent masquerade, sir.

We'll see how innocent it is. Captain,
why don't you go in and tell Mother

everything you know?

That's exactly whom I want to see, your
mother.

You sent him in to see your mother? Oh,
please, Dr. Bilko, don't worry. Once he

talks to Mother, everything will be all
right.

I hope so.

I know he should rock the road ice
cream.

Attention!

Yes, sir. Government report back to
Captain Once.

Oh, forgive him, Your Highness. This is
such a young country.

Captain! Captain!

and speak to the crown prince like that.
This is a private party. The army was

not invited.

You hear that, sir? The army was not
invited. The idea, ordering him about

that. As if he was a common soldier.
Yes, as if he was a common soldier. To a

soldier's pay to lift him. To a
soldier's pay to lift him. Of course.

Of course. Isn't it enough that he has
to mingle with the army all day?

Mrs. Middles, such a degrading
atmosphere, the army. Oh, it's such a

atmosphere, the army.

Time he mingled with people of his own
social strata. Really?

Yes. Yes.

But you wouldn't understand.

I demand that he stay here.

What are you to say to that?

Now that I know how you feel, Mrs.
Milton, I apologize.

His Highness should have his evening.
Let the festivities proceed.

Sir, I don't want to see that you're
decorated for this. Do you hear that,

Highness? The festivities proceed. The
national anthem, everyone.

Please, Baron.

They're going to sing my national
anthem.

Also appearing in tonight's cast were
Martha Greenhouse as Lillian, Philippa

Bevins as Mrs. Middleton, Ben Lackland
as Mr. Middleton, and Nick Saunders