All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s02e33 Bilkos Perfect Day

The world shall have his day.

The day when his every wish becomes a
reality.

Who will it be today?

Does he live in Paris?

Is he Pierre Dupre, a poor street
cleaner of Paris?

Is this his day?

No, his day comes next year.

Is he in Hong Kong?

Is it Ling Wu, a Hong Kong rickshaw boy
playing fan tan with his last 20 yen?

No, his day doesn't come to two years
yet.

Where is the fortunate man?

Ah, the gods have chosen.

He's a master sergeant in the United
States Army.

His name?

Ernie Bilko.

Look, little does he know that today his
every wish will be granted.

Come on, Judge!

Come on!

I heard that.

Wake up, Judge! Come on, Judge!

You gotta get up! You gotta get up! Why?

Why? Yeah, why?

Give me one reason I should get up today
just to walk to the guardhouse.

The guardhouse?

Here's your lighter, Sarge. That hasn't
worked since the day I bought it. I'm

out!

It's going to be one of those days.

Big trouble.

You know that horse room behind the
grain and feed store in town?

I was there all day yesterday. I played
26 horses. Not one winner. Not even one?

The horses I bet on left the starting
gate and were never seen again.

You know, you stop that when I'm
talking.

On my way back to camp, I had a slight
auto accident. An accident?

Mm -hmm. I was driving the colonel's
staff car. Oh, no. Oh, yes.

And with my luck, I had a crash defender
of some loudmouth civilian with a

little mustache, five kids in the
backseat, his wife, him screaming, I'll

you first thing in the morning to the
colonel. Well, maybe today you forgot

about it. No, no, not today.

What do you mean? I got a feeling in my
bones today is the kind of day nothing

works for me.

We ever have one of those feelings that
the world is against you? It's Sarge.

Sarge, the liar worked.

Oh, goody, goody. First time I've worked
in six years. Remind me to send a fan

letter to the company that makes this.

Give me a phone. I'll take a shower.

With my luck, I guarantee there'll be no
hot water.

Oh,

no, not again. Tell me when I get up
this morning that... Oh, Sarge!

Sarge. What, do you mind? But Sarge.

That's half early taking a shower. Board
of Health wants to make their move.

Sarge. I've got enough trouble for one
day. I knew this was going to be one of

those days.

The minute I got up this morning, I
said, Ernie, close your eyes again. This

isn't your day.

Once I'd like to have a good day. Once
I'd like to have things turned right.

not for me. Have I ever harmed anybody?

All I do is worry about my fellow man
sitting in his spot. Do I get a break?

lousy break? No, not in a million years.

This is going to be the final. All
right, peasants, you're next.

Hey! We don't have that.

Scythe call again.

I tell you, boys, this is a day for
Russian roulette. The intelligentsia is

Sarge, what's an 11 -letter word? Shout
ahead. Shout ahead like you. Now get

back to work.

Hey, it fits.

It fits. But he didn't even hear.

I'm telling you, for Bilko, it was hot.
For me, it was cold. Yeah, he's a witch,

Doc. He must be. He just gave me an 11
-letter word for my cross with puzzle.

what? So what? I didn't even give him
the definition.

All right, Dolman, make yourself scared.

Say, Sarge, can I go to town? I need to
pick up some spare parts for the water

heater. There's no hot water.

What do you mean, no hot water? I just
took a hot shower.

Oh, Sarge. Look, Dolman, if you want to
go in town for a meeting of your

Mouseketeer Club, just come out and say
it.

Mouseketeer Club?

That's Wednesday.

All right, all right.

I'll ask you to drive you into town.

Gee, thanks, Sarge. It's a little ray of
sunshine in a sea of darkness, isn't

it? My tie on straight?

Yeah. All right, Sarge. At least I'll be
the best, best deserter the army ever

had. Go on. I bet this guy don't even
report you to the colonel. What are you

talking about? You should have heard him
screaming. You soldiers driving

taxpayers' money around, hitting
fenders, crushing... Sarge.

Call the nut farm. Tell them we got the
fat one here.

Sarge, can you tell me how many jelly
beans are in a jar about this wide and

this high?

We thought he went nuts. He's got a
legitimate excuse here. Jelly beans.

Come on, get out of here with jelly
beans. That's all I need. They got a jar

jelly beans in the window of McGregor's
Hardware Store. If you guess the right

number of beans, you win a $100 money
order.

You want me to help you? The unmonkiest
man in the world, you want me to help

you? Yes, Sarge. Oh, come on, get away.
Leave me alone, will you please? Please,

Sarge.

What's the last five numbers on your
door tag?

61620. That's the number of jelly beans.

Really, Sarge? To the exact bean.

Oh, gee, thanks, Sarge.

You're asking me, the unluckiest man in
the world. Ah, Sarge, cut it out. No,

it's a fact. It's a law of nature.

A law of nature? The smarter you are,
the unluckier you are. They have to do

That evens things up. That's a law of
nature? That's to keep guys like me from

ruining the world. Oh, Sarge, I'm
kidding. I'm not kidding at all. I'll

to you. A guy like me intelligently
dopes the horses, right? Eight hours a

I devote to this. I get all the weights,
the figures, the handicaps. I pour into

the racing form, right? What happens?

I come up with 26 straight losers.

You know how an idiot picks horse races?
They don't give a this. You got the

name Scratchy? Yeah, right here, sir.
I'll show you how an idiot picks horse

races. I'll start with the first race.
Who does he pick here?

Leaping Lena. Why? He's got an aunt
named Lena. No thinking. Aunt named

Picks Leaping Lena. Second race. Oh,
this is a sense. He picks Frickazee. Why

Frickazee? He had lunch.

Frickazee. He picks Frickazee.

Uncle Joe.

Jerk hasn't got an uncle, so he picks
Uncle Joe here.

Fourth race. Wicky Wacky Woo. He picks
that horse. Why? He's got a girlfriend

named Wicky who's wacky.

Little Naples. For no reason at all. He
just picks this off Little Naples. Six

race. Happy Prince. Why? He's probably a
Grace Kelly fan. Happy Prince.

Twinkle toes.

The jerks feed height. He picks twinkle
toes. And that's how jerks pick horses.

Don't tell me about the law of nature.
How about it, Sarge? You're joking.

Joking. I got a lot to joke about today,
huh? They're taking me to the

guardhouse and I'm joking?

There they are.

Come in.

Never mind the blindfold. Just give me a
cigarette.

Sarge, it's only Fender.

Fender, good old Fender. What'd I do?
What'd I do?

I'm so glad to see you. I'm glad to see
you too, Sarge. What's going on? You

just come from administration?

Yeah, I got the morning report.

Good boy.

Anything else? No, nothing else. Good.

Oh, just one thing. What? The colonel's
got a civilian in his office. Some guy

with a mustache.

They want to see you immediately.

That's it.

Goodbye, old faithful. What's going on?
I'll see you on visiting day.

Sarge, what are you going to do?

What am I going to do? They got my back
to the wall. I'll do what any decent

American soldier will do.

I'll lie. Give me my hand.

Sir, if you're going to take a word of
every drunk who's standing... Quiet!

Yes, sir.

Now, Mr. Forbes, are you sure you can
identify him?

Now, Bilko, turn around so he can see
you.

He's the one.

He's the soldier who ran into my car.

at the corner of Main and Elm Streets at
11 o 'clock last night. 11 o 'clock?

That's impossible, sir. I spent the
entire evening on the post. You know,

didn't have a pass. How could I leave
the post? Oh, brother. Colonel, there

be no doubt. Yes, sir, sir. Are you a
citizen?

Has he been checked for security, sir?

They've been landing them by submarine,
sir.

Doctor! Where did you hide your
parachute, Hans? We must know where it

That's enough. Well, all right, sir.
We're not here to play games. Not at

can assure you that, sir. At 11 o 'clock
last night...

You? Yes, sir. I told you where I was. I
was on the post. Isn't the word of an

American soldier enough, sir? An
American soldier? You're practically a

civilian.

The way you came out with it. Is there
anyone who would love a Colonel? He's

funny. Quiet, quiet.

If you were on the post last night, we
want proof.

Well, of course you do.

Proof is the proof. Yes, why didn't I
think of it? Of course, I spent the

evening with the officer of the day,
Lieutenant Peterson.

The officer of the day was Lieutenant
Johnson. Of course, all officers look

alike to me, sir.

So you were with Lieutenant Johnson? The
entire evening, sir. I remember

distinctly we collected clothes for the
Red Cross and then we colored some eggs

for the officer's kiddie party. And then
there was the... That's enough.

Yes, sir. Mr. Forbes, Lieutenant Johnson
is one of my most trustworthy officers.

You can bet on that. It'll be easy
enough to check. Check? Well, so why

Come in. I understand he's been
transferred, sir. Oh, Lieutenant

Lieutenant Johnson.

I want to ask you a few questions about
last night. Last night? Last night's a

wide -maker man digging to the past.

Lieutenant, quiet.

Lieutenant, were you and Sergeant Bilko
collecting clothes for the Red Cross

last night? Yes, sir. And, sir, we
filled our baskets to the brim.

And after that, did you and Sergeant
Bilko... In other words, you and

Bilko were together every minute up
until midnight.

Well, if I remember correctly, sir, I
think it was a few minutes past

wasn't it, Sergeant?

Yes.

Ten minutes after midnight, sir.

There's your answer.

There's your answer, sir. I know you're
anxious to find the man that ran into

you, but obviously it was not Sergeant
Bilko. Will that be all, sir?

That's all. Thank you, sir. Thank you
very much. Oh, I'll find this man,

me. You described him. I think he was a
short man with a goatee. That's all,

Bilko.

Billy, look up about small men with
goatees for me, will you?

Lieutenant. Gee.

What?

Thanks for covering for me.

Covering for you?

If the colonel knew I was off the post
last night visiting my girl, it would

have meant my lieutenant boss. Oh,
Bilko, thanks again.

It's the most fantastic story. I made it
up. Shh.

See? I'm stopping to get the breaks. One
moment, please. It's for you, Bilko.

Me? Who is it? It's Mr.

Fauntleroy from the public library who
calls you every morning. Oh, yes. Thank

you very much, Edna. Thank you. Who is
it?

Patsy, the bookmaker.

Hello, Mr.

Fauntleroy. Okay, Bilko, give me your
picks. We'll start with Belmont Park.

Mr. Fauntleroy, I have sad news for you.
I'm turning in my library card. No more

horses. You're going to pull that on me?

Pull what?

You know what I mean. You had a bad day
yesterday, stuck me for a hundred bucks,

and now you're finished.

Look, Patsy, I'll pay you next week.

You pay me today.

You bring me that hundred bucks by eight
o 'clock tonight, or else I go to the

colonel and do some talking. Oh, yeah?

Well, I'll do some talking of my own.
I'll tell him how you're running an

illegal horse betting game right near an
army camp.

I'll tell him about that direct wire you
got where you get the results.

And I'll tell him who sold me the wire.

One hundred clams by eight o 'clock.

Patsy, listen, Patsy.

I've got to have 100 bucks by 8 o 'clock
tonight. 100 bucks? There ain't that

much money on the post.

My day, huh?

Now I know why you kept me out of the
guardhouse. You were saving me for

Leavenworth. Leavenworth?

100 bucks, we've got to canvass the
whole platoon. Hey, stop that. I'm back

town. You know what happened? You know
that jar of jelly beans on the window of

McGregor's hardware store? Who cares?
He's bothering me with jelly beans. I've

got to get a... Wait a minute. Maybe I
can get it from Ritzig. No, I'd have to

kill his wife for it. Doberman gets the
number of jelly beans to the bean.

He won $100 money on it. Will you stop
bothering me with jelly... Hey.

I'll get a GI loan. I'll tell them I'm
going into the jelly bean business.

Jelly beans? Where'd I get that? Oh,
yeah, you just told me. Goldman won $100

month for getting jelly beans.

Goldman won $100 a month!

At the hardware store. They're taking
pictures and everything.

Yes, that's the fellow right there.

Yeah, he come in here and he guessed the
exact number of jelly beans. Just like

that. Fine looking soldier. Yes, well,
look. Where did he go from here? He took

one look and he says 61620.

Right on the nose.

Yeah, if you don't believe him, why, you
can count him. Look, I believe you.

Where did he go from here?

That fellow certainly knew his jelly
beans. Are you coming? Where did he go?

That's him right there, accepting the
money order.

What happened to him? He's a much nicer
looking boy in person. Yeah, I know.

He's lovely. Where did he go when he
left here? You know what? We're starting

another contest now.

The first customer to say the magic
word, he gets a hundred dollar money

Oh, nuts.

Did you figure out a magic word? Yes.

Nuts. Nuts.

Well, if I had just said it, I'd get to
get a money order.

Hey!

She'll flink. Good boy.

This is an emergency.

Was there a little fat soldier coming
here to cash a $100 money order? Say, do

you know him? Yes, yes. Yes, McGregor's
jelly beans to the T. He was here. Now,

where did he go?

I don't know. He just took the money and
ran out.

Stubborn with $100. Can you imagine?
I'll have to look in every toy shop in

town. Will you please take me to the
police station? Do you mind?

I'm busy.

Mister, did you see a soldier with
glasses?

Excuse me, will you please take me to
the police station?

Sure. Follow me.

Don't be dumb, then.

Join your peanut butter sandwich, baby.

Start the pot, spawn them. Build them up
to make it real interesting, okay?

Anything you say, sir. I open for a
dollar.

I'm in.

I'm in.

I owe a dollar.

You owe a dollar? You got a hundred
dollars.

No, I lost that in the other game.

Isn't it amazing?

For a year, I don't play poker. Now,
twice in one day.

What other game?

No, two fellas stopped me in front of
the post office, and they invited me up

their hotel room for a poker game. Oh,
no.

Nice fellas. They gave me liverwurst.
Oh, good.

Sarge, how? They won it. This is a job
for the police. Those men were obviously

card sharks, and there's no room in
Roseville for another card shark. Hey,

liverwurst. What room number? What?

501. 501.

you mean you haven't got time now? An
American soldier is fleeced by cod

Look, Bilko, we're busy. We just nabbed
Horatio Fink. It's the biggest thing

that's happened to our department in 50
years.

I demand that you apprehend these men at
once. They're in room 501 at the

Roseville Hotel. Arrest those fiends.
Every time the money they're not poor

innocent boy.

501. Okay, we'll get them. Wait for me.

I was in the doorway when they brought
him in.

Ten o 'clock, sir.

Patsy's probably on his way to spill
everything to the colonel. No, Sarge,

that's the way the cookie crumbles. Oh,
shut up. Cookie crumbles.

Look at my philosophy here. What do you
mean, cookie crumbles? Can one sweet,

wonderful thing happen to me? Like what?

Like Patsy getting hit by a truck? Is
that asking too much? One lousy break?

Like this guy here finds in Horatio
Flink and gets $10 ,000?

Will you please take me to the police
station? Hey, Sarge, it's

fine. When the shower was hot for you
and cold for everyone else. Flink.

The way you picked the exact number of
jelly beans.

Hey, Sarge, look who won the first
development.

Leaping Lena.

Leaping Lena? Paid $285 to win. Leaping
Lena? What is it, Sarge? Where's that

scratchy where I picked all the horses
this morning? Right here, Sarge. Let me

look at it. All right.

How many did win in the second race?

Frickin' Steve. The third race. Uncle
Joe. Fourth race. Wicky Wacky Wolf. Van

Little. Little Eagles. Happy Prince.
Twinkle Toes.

Sarge, I'm scared.

But I gotta make sure. Here.

Give me a royal flush.

What do you got? You look.

Sarge, it's a royal flush.

Thank you.

See, this is my day and I didn't know
it. This is the day I can't lose, boys.

Everything I say will happen, happen.

This is the day I can rule the world. I
only got two hours to do it. And this is

the day I can pick the winner of any
race.

But Sarge, it's ten o 'clock. There are
no more races. There must be something

else. Wait a minute. There's a fight in
Los Angeles. Rocky Rossini, the champ,

is fighting Evelyn Chatsworth.

Evil in what?

Just a tune -up fight. The champ is six
to one favorite.

That's it. We put all our money on evil
and he can't lose. Evil and can't lose.

Are you sure?

Take a card.

Do some clubs.

Evil and can't lose.

Money. We've got to get money.

Besides, you owe Patsy a hundred
dollars. You know, at a time like this,

a measly... Riddick, he's got five
hundred dollars. But, Sarge, he's

I'll wake him up.

What he got against Prowler?

That's how we met.

He heard about the $500.

Oh, no.

Oh, I wish it were a Prowler. There you
go. You can't take it. Good evening,

Mrs. Richard. I just have to talk to
Rupert. No, you don't. You're not

that money. You keep it away from me.
Rupert, listen to me. I'll make you

thousands. Rupert, today I can't lose.
Philippe, Rupert. Keep your distance.

Here, take a card, Rupert. Take a card.

Don't give him the money. Never.

Rupert, you've got to believe me. I
can't lose. Take a card. Any card. Any

Jack of diamonds?

Emma, give him the money. Rupert, you're
crazy.

fight in Los Angeles. Oh, give him the
money.

What are we doing? We're acting like
animals. This lady is your wife. Let's

adult and rational about this. Rupert,
explain to her calmly, reason with her.

Explain to her what it means to have
money on a sure thing.

Emma, my dear, Bilko was right. Yes.

Where's the money?

Rupert, I told you to reason with her.

Now, there's a nerve right here. If you
squeeze it properly, they can't stand

it.

here? What do you mean? I got some money
from him. He got a call. He went over

to the room 501 at the Roseville Hotel.

501? Yeah.

He said it was a parent's teacher's
meeting. Oh, yeah. 501. PTA meeting.

on.

I don't get it.

He ain't got no kids.

Hey, what is this?

Where's Patsy? Patsy, didn't you hear?
Yeah, what? We just got a phone call

the hospital. He was hit by a truck.

What do I do? What? What? What?

Hey, soldier. What do you want? Are you
lucky tonight?

Yeah, lucky. I'm very lucky. How about a
little poker?

Yeah. A little poker, yeah. Why not?

A little poker. Like a little poker
ring. Nothing like it.

See, I don't know the game too well, but
I'm sure you'll be tolerant. This is a

lot like bingo, isn't it?

You open, soldier.

I open for $100.

$100?

I'm in. I'm in.

What do you got?

What do I got?

Royal plus? Okay. Royal plus.

Wait a minute. You haven't even looked
at your card. Oh, yeah.

You look at them.

A few friends sit down to a friendly
game of Mahjong. What are you doing? Is

this Russia? Oh, if you, Bill Cole,
couldn't work, if a more citizen gave us

tips like you did, we could do our job
better. No, wait a minute.

He's a friend. He's a friend. Take a
high count for $100.

Come on, Pete.

The fight.

The fight. The what?

Evelyn can't lose.

The biggest upset of the century.

Evelyn Chatsworth has just knocked out
the champ, Rocky Rossini.

What are you wasting time? I told you
you couldn't lose.

11 o 'clock. I only got an hour.

There must be some action. Wait a
minute. 11 o 'clock.

That means it's three o 'clock in
Australia.

We've got time for the third race at the
track at Melbourne.

Excuse me.

Are we too late?

Oh, I'm sorry. No visitors.

We're the immediate family.

Daddy, we're here.

Patsy, it's me, Ernie Bilko.

Hello, Ernie.

Nice of you to come.

Patsy, we came here the minute we heard
about it.

No, it's times like this when you find
out who your real friends are.

Hang on, Patsy. Hang on.

Patsy, I know these aren't the best
conditions to talk business in, but can

get me the odds on the races in
Melbourne, Australia?

Philco, you came here to bet on a horse
in Australia?

Yeah, they're coming up with a third
race in Melbourne.

Better get in bed with me. You're sicker
than me.

He still has a sense of humor. I want to
bet $400 on the longest shot in the

race. No, no, no.

Call me to Bennington to get the price
down on the race. I'm telling you this

can't miss. Put something on it
yourself. It's a sure thing. It's a sure

Patsy, look, I had eight out of eight
minutes today.

Leaping leaner in the first fricassee in
the... Give me the phone. Phone, phone,

phone. I want to call New York.

Yeah, it's cycle 16457.

Yeah, I'll talk to anybody.

Right. Are you sure?

Patsy, I can't miss. This is my day.
Hello?

Hello, Archie? This is Patsy in Kansas.

I'm fine, thanks.

Look, Archie, is the third race off yet?

What do you mean, where? Melbourne,
Australia, of course.

Fifteen minutes?

They're off in fifteen minutes.

That'd be $400 on the longest shot in
the race. Archie, what's the longest

in the race?

Mugwump. $160 to one.

That's the winner.

Archie, put $400. No, change that. Put
$500 on Mugwump. Right.

I put $100 on myself.

You won't regret it, Patsy B. Hey,
Rocco, get to the camp, get to Grove and

them to put up a shortwave radio set in
my room. I want to hook up to Australia

by the time I get back there. Check,
Sarge.

Sarge. $400 at 160 to one. That's $64
,000. We don't even have to get into a

booth.

It's a beautiful day here in Melbourne.

The race has still been held up.

Come on, come on. They're at the post.
Get them off. Hurry up.

Oh, there goes Mugwump. They can't seem
to settle him down.

What is he acting up for? He can't move.
What are you worried about, Mugwump?

Mugwump seems to have settled down now.

They've only finished. We're a cinch.
They've only finished before 12 o

They're crowding the first turn.

It's Mugwump in the lead by 10 links,
followed by Dr. Zoff, their lonesome

and Cherry Pie.

They win on Mugwump. Stay with it!

And they're in the back stretch.

Oh, this is amazing.

Mugwump is leading by 25 links. 25
links!

You've only got a few seconds left. Come
on, Mugwump! They're crowding the far

turn. Mugwam was ahead 35 links,
followed by Dr.

Zoster, Lonesome Sam, and Cherry Pie.

Sarge, we're rich! We're rich! They can
only finish before 12. Come on, Mugwam!

They're entering the stretch.

It's Mugwam all alone, leading by 40
links. We can't lose!

Come on, Mug!

All right, fellas.

You can forget about it. We lose.

But Sarge, he's leading by 40 links in
the stretch.

If you listen to me, we lose.

And in the middle of the stretch...

Something's happened to McGuag.

He's slowing down.

He's dropping.

Oh, and here comes disaster.

You're telling me.

Stop disaster, please.

Couldn't give me another minute, huh?

All right, boys, that's it.

That's the end of a perfect day.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Jack
Hartley as Mr. Buckley, Nelson Olmsted

Captain Masters, Hope Sandsbury as Mrs.
Hall, and Jimmy Little as Sergeant

Grover.

Now, stay tuned for more of our farewell
to Phil Silver's Invertivision.