All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s02e31 Bilko Acres

Every year we have the same space
problem. But, Colonel, we just have no

to put these old records anymore.

Well, get them out of here.

Every morning I have to cut my way into
my office.

How about that old gun shed near the
rifle range, sir? It must be in pretty

condition. No one's been in it for
years.

But let's take a look at it anyway.

He's coming out for his point, and here
he comes to hold better lot, win a lot.

The nine is four.

Four is his number, and I'm laying two
to one. Much obliged. I'll take it for a

dollar. You got it for two dollars.
Dollar, two dollars to a dollar. What's

pleasure? Thanks, thanks. The bargain
basement is two blocks that way.

Hold it, hold it. What? The kindle.
Kindle. All right, move, move. All

clean, clean, clean.

I want this place spotless. Clean.

That is.

Yes, sir. Now, what are you doing here?

Well, sir, we're just cleaning up a bit.
You know how the men of my platoon ask

for one spot of dirt on the post. They
can't sleep at night, sir. Well, how can

you sleep in those barracks of yours?

My barracks are there as clean as a
whistle. Be free to come over any time

want, sir. I've been there.

And I don't know whether you should
sweep it or plow it.

What do you suppose you hear about the
colonel? Never mind.

Oh,

so you've been chuckling, chuckling all
day long. Quiet! Yes, sir.

Lieutenant, all right, you can start
bringing those files in here.

As you were.

Thank you. Back to work. Clean, clean.
Work, work, work.

Drop it up.

Who's rolling? Oh, shut up.

He's watching us like a hawk. Sarge, he
just dropped in. He just dropped in.

You don't believe that malarkey about
bringing the files in here, do you?

Let's face it. The colonel found out
about my Saturday afternoon floating

game.

All right. Back to the bags.

Undercover. Come on. Move, move. You got
all the equipment? Yeah.

Get everything we got. Don't leave
anything around here. Hey, Sarge. How do

find out?

I don't know.

All I know is we've got to find another
place for our Saturday afternoon crap

game. A place he wouldn't find in a
million years. All right, thank you.

Drill from 0900 to 0930.

Retreat will be at 1632 hours.

Lieutenant, can you think of anything
else for the orders of the day? Well,

Mr. Simpson has finished all his
repairs.

He can start on the gas testing chamber.
Oh, yes. Until further notice.

There will be no gas mash drill in the
gas testing chamber under any

That's all.

All right, who's got the dice?

Got money?

Now, remember, if the colonel finds out
we're holding the crap game, over in the

guest test chamber, the only place left
for us is the colonel's living room.

Now, I want you to march to that guest
chamber like we've got a purpose in

March with us. Here are the orders of
the day for the administration building.

All right, get your guest test. Let me
see whether there's any unknown

circumstance in anybody going to get
this. Nothing important. All right.

I want a nice snappy catch. Ah!

Right face!

Turn! Hold it.

All right, you can forget it. We're
going no place.

It's off.

Dismissed. Dismissed? Well, what about
the game?

The game is off. The colonel knows.

He knows?

Knows. He stopped it before we even got
started. Nobody's allowed in the gas

chamber. Well, how come you found out?
We're the only ones who know. Maybe

somebody told him.

You say that again as long as you live.
But, Sarge. You've been hinting that

somebody in this platoon would... I
don't even want to think about it.

didn't. I don't know who told the
colonel. Well, one thing I do know. He

find it out from any one of my men.

Men, we may not have much.

But there's one thing we do have, and
that's faith.

Trust. Yes.

Even love for each other.

Sarge, I'm so ashamed. Well, you should
be, even casting the slightest doubt

against this platoon.

This is not a platoon of men.

It's a platoon of hearts wound around
each other with complete faith and

Dismissed.

Beautiful, beautiful. Sarge, that was
the most beautiful thing I ever heard.

Shut up!

There's a spy in the outfit.

knows exactly where the crap game is?
Don't tell me he does it with a Ouija

board. Sarge, are you sure? Yes, I'm
sure. Some miserable rat out there is

tipping off the colonel to every one of
my moves. Sarge, who could have done it?

Sarge, you gotta find out. Gotta find
out? You're asking me the impossible.

You're asking me to find out from guys
who are like my own flesh and blood.

I eat when I sleep and I know them like
I know the back of my hand.

Any one of them could have done it.

Sarge, maybe Paparelli knows who it is.
He's suspected Paparelli. Why didn't I

think of that?

Paparelli. Oh, Sarge, not Dino. Not
Dino. He was the only one who had a

to tip off the Colonel to my move today.
I picked up the orders of the day.

Paparelli. I knew he was a blabbermouth.
And the biggest gossip on the post.

But a spy.

Oh, Sarge, I don't believe it. No, not
Paparelli. Not Paparelli.

All right, if I prove it beyond a doubt,
will you believe it? How? How? We tell

him something. If it gets back to the
Colonel, can there be any doubt? No

What are you going to tell him?

I got it.

Tangerine.

Tangerine? When the colonel was in the
war in South Pacific, the last war,

tangerine was the code word for radar.

So? So?

Paparelli slips in the word tangerine.
The colonel puts two or two together. He

figures the crap game is in the radar
hut. Let me hear it.

Paparelli, on a double, come and see us.
That's a big boy. Hey, Paparelli.

The minute the colonel declares the
radar hut out of bounds.

We know who the rat is. All right?

You know, fellas, we've got to give up.
The colonel is too clever. He's just too

clever. If you call me, Sarge, we've got
a dress for drill. I'll be with you in

a minute. Now, remember, the word
Saturday is tangerine.

Mr. Pony, someone was here!

I really... You didn't hear anything I
just said, did you? No, just tangerine.

Do me a favor.

You never heard... Here.

This is what I called you in for. Get
these dirty rocks over to the colonel.

Look, I'm depending. I know your big
mouth. Don't say a word. Don't let the

colonel know we know about... Tangerine?
I asked you.

Don't say that word. I know your big
mouth. Forget the word. Do me that

Sure, sure.

Goodbye.

All right, the trap is sprung.

Tangerine and the colonel?

The colonel and... All right, you men.
Let's get some snap into it.

Order!

Hey, Corporal Solomon. What is it,
Paparelli? Did you hear about it? Did I

about what? The colonel's running off
with a dame. He's going where?

Tangerine, Saturday. Don't tell Bilko.
Watch it.

Did you hear about the colonel? He's
leaving for the Argentines, Saturday.

No kidding. Don't tell Bilko.

Watch it.

Present arms!

They shipped the colonel to the
Philippines. He just got it from

Solomon.

Did you hear about it? What?

The colonel got caught with a Philippine
woman. No, colonel.

I'm sending him to the Solomon. What?
That's the cold turkey. Watch him. Right

shoulder. Arms.

It's Ed Kutowski. What? We're being
shipped a turkey this winter.

He does it with the colonel? Where else
are they going to ship a commanding

officer who got knifed in a dance hall
trying to run off with a Chinese

It was an Egyptian belly dancer.

Uh -oh. That was the one who knifed him.

Mister's hurt by that much.

Port Baxter calling Bombay, India.

Hello, Sergeant Bernard?

Sergeant Grover. Yeah, we're all coming
to Bombay next week.

Yeah, it's been confirmed.

Look, Bernie, I... Beat it. Restricted
information.

Ernie, there's this girl, Peach Blossom,
I was engaged to during the war.

Tell her that Lieutenant Pickinett is
coming back.

Yeah. And I'll meet her under the temple
bells a week from Saturday.

Yes,

Poopsie, my furlough starts tomorrow.

Your hero should be home by... Hey,
Ernie, come on, get off the phone, will

I gotta call my folks. Please, I'm
talking to my wife in Cleveland. Well,

goodbye. We're going to Malaya Saturday.

Malaya? Yeah.

Sweetheart, don't say a word to anybody.
We're pulling out for Malaya.

No, dear, not Malaria.

It's not malaria.

Chuck's here. Chuck's here. Come on,
girls, move.

Chuck, when we get everything organized,
we're shipping out. Are you sure we're

going to Singapore?

Well, we can't stay here now that the
post is condemned.

Come on, come on, girls, hurry up.

We've got to get out of here. But, sir,
we just found out.

Save only the important papers.

This post will be burnt down by tomorrow
morning.

Sir, are you sure they found malaria
here?

Am I sure?

My brother... law called me from San
Francisco.

San Francisco?

Yes. He read it in a Cleveland paper.
Now get me the Pentagon. Why am I always

the last to know?

Well, what do you want?

Sergeant Bilko's duty rosters, sir. Duty
rosters at a time like this? Why aren't

you down taking your tropical shots?

Tropical shots?

Yes. We're shipping out to Singapore
Saturday.

Singapore? Yes. Now get me the Pentagon.

condemned. We're all being shipped
overseas.

Overseas where?

Overseas? Now, who started this silly
rumor? It's no rumor, Sarge.

Oh.

Paparelli. It's true, Sarge. The post
has been condemned. We're all shipping

to Singapore Saturday. We are shipping
out to Singapore Saturday. Now, who told

you this? The colonel himself told me.
Oh, the colonel. Had a little chat with

the colonel.

Oh, just a few words.

Hmm. I'll be lucky, fellas, to have a
fellow in our platoon on such intimate

terms with the colonel.

Oh, it's just a casual acquaintance.

Will you do me a favor?

Will you go and get my duty rosters back
from the colonel? I want to work out.

I'm just a little bit... I'm sure,
Sarge.

Don't tell me... What is he hitting us
for? Is another of us coming?

Are you sure?

You believe that the force is being
condemned and we're being shipped out to

Singapore? What did he say? What?

But Sarge... You of all people. I'm
ashamed of all of you. You trained under

for years and you fall for this stuff?

What stuff?

It's a typical army maneuver. This is
the way the army operates. When the army

wants something done, they send out
rumors to the opposite. Don't you see

The colonel sends his private little
carrier pigeon, Paparelli, around to say

the post is being condemned. We're being
shipped out to Singapore.

Can I only mean one thing?

What? Not only are we not shipping out,
they're enlarging this post, making it a

major military installation.

Yeah? What did he say? That's what they
got to do.

Why? Why, if it ever gets out that
they're enlarging the post and certain

unscrupulous, slimy real estate
operators hear about this, they buy up

real estate for peanuts, sell it back to
the army at a big profit.

Sarge, how do you know?

Because that's exactly what we're going
to do. We are?

Maybe we're in the real estate business?
Just long enough for the army when they

want to enlarge to buy us out.

But Sarge, how can they enlarge Fort
Baxter? There's town property on the

the rivers on the east, the highways on
the west. Haven't we forgotten the

south? Luscious territory, 25 acres.

Sarge, Bimmelman Swamp?

That's the only place the army can move.

Sarge, we're going to buy a swamp?

Just for a few pennies a acre, and then
make a tremendous profit. Get me the

patrol welfare fund money. We're going
to do it.

We're going to do it. We're going to do
it. Let me out of here. I told you Elvis

was coming here, and he's going to bring
his guitar.

There you are, Mr. Tyler.

Who do you want the deed made of? Oh,
it's a corporation. Make it up to the

Wisdick Land Developing Corporation.

Wisdick? Yes, that's an abbreviation for
we'll all soon be driving Cadillacs.

What do you want with 25 acres of swamp?

Don't let this get around, but I think
we've located Chloe.

Yes, General?

Yes, General?

About Singapore.

Nothing to it, huh?

Just a rumor.

Oh, no.

I didn't pay any attention to it at all.
Where shall I put your mosquito net?

Quiet.

Just checking.

Yes, General, I... I'll take care of
that little matter as soon as I can.

Thank you, General.

Put that back.

But, sir, we're packing.

And we're going nowhere.

Put everything back.

You men have to believe every rumor that
floats around the post.

Well, sir, now that that little maneuver
has fizzled out, shall we talk

business?

Business about what? Well, shall we say
about changing the size of the camp,

sir? How did you find out? Just this
minute I found out myself.

Well, sir, let's just say that I felt it
in my bones that Washington would call

you and give you orders to enlarge the
camp.

Enlarge the camp? They think it's too
big. I've got orders to cut it down.

You'll find that I am the sole... Cut it
down?

Yes. They want me to sell that ten acres
next to Bimmerman Swamp.

Bimmerman Swamp? Yeah, what idiot would
buy that?

Yeah.

Well,

that was the business deal of the year.
Two hundred and fifty bucks for a swamp.

All right, all right.

We're in. If anybody in Kansas wants
mosquitoes, they got to come to us.

Jokes. I'm trying to think. Jokes, I
guess. So we got stuck, Sarge. They'll

never get stuck. I've just begun the
fight. So we own a swamp, right? Right.

what are we going to do with it? We're
going to do with it what anybody who

owned the swamp does.

We're going to subdivide it and sell
lots. We're going to sell lots?

Dimmelman Swamp?

Sarge, if they take one look. What's the
matter with you? Don't you know what's

going on these days? People read,
listen, and buy. They don't look.

Here's what we do.

How much money we got in the welfare
fund?

About $100. Oh, no.

Not more money.

Twenty -five acres is a thousand dollars
an acre. Are you sure? Look, Ernie,

that's just another... Why? Here's what
we do. I want you to put ads in the

papers. Put them up to my head. It's
open here. Get down to the swamp. Have

somebody help you.

Kill the mosquitoes in the swamp.

Mosquitoes? You heard me.

Sarge, how do you kill mosquitoes?

I don't know that. Somebody had it up.
Hey, help!

I want some street signs made to put up
on our property. Nice names.

Sarge, street signs at Bimelman Swamp? I
never want to hear you use that name

again. From now on, we refer to our
property by its righteous title.

Paradise Acres.

Paradise Acres. Just a good place to
live.

Gentlemen, you're a highly intelligent
group of people, and I didn't bring you

out here to promote.

I didn't bring you out here to sell. I
brought you out here to give away

Paradise Acres. Yes, that's what it is.
At $1 ,000 an acre, it's a giveaway.

And what was that, lady? You're
wondering why are we breaking up this

beautiful estate where we simply cannot
stand in the way of progress. Yes, the

beauty of Paradise Acres is not meant
for one man. It's meant for all of you.

Unfortunately, a selling agent, Mr.
Marbella, informs me there are still

choice locations left.

Would you bring in the exact replica of
Paradise Acres? Isn't this a thrilling

panorama of modern living? Right here
are the locations next to the modern

shopping center, which is, of course,
right across the street away from the

school. The school bothers you, doesn't
it? You'll love it when you do go there.

And for those of you who are sports
-minded, right along San Susie

there are still some choice locations
left, just a stone's throw away from the

Paradise Golf Club. And the president
promises to play the first round of

Sweet of him, isn't it?

You can see it. There it is. The
Palatian Country Club. How can't we go

see for ourselves?

No, you can't. I informed you we're not
allowed in there while the construction

is going on. There's a bedroom of
activity in there and a fun little hair.

And one little touch, head was injured.
I could never face myself again. All

right, folks, this is your opportunity.

There are only a thousand dollars a
naked. Did you hear that? One thousand.

do I hear say in the first... What was
that, sir?

What?

No, but it's your money, Mr. Barbello.
Are you sure? Mr. Barbello informs me

to some cracks in the sidewalk along
Honeysucker Lane here, he's letting the

lots go at only... Are you sure?

Only $500 an acre.

Ladies and gentlemen, take advantage of
this man's foolish generosity.

Only $500 an acre. First come, first
served. And you'd better hurry because

staring right at me, I see one of
Rosal's leading real estate operators,

Burke. I see that theme in your eyes,
sir. Perhaps he'll buy the entire

Look, Bilko, I'm just here because I
didn't believe it. You hate it yourself,

folks. He doesn't believe it, and
neither will you believe it when you see

modern community... Don't go!

What's going on here? And you're worried
about your neighbors? This is the type

of neighbor you'll have right next door
to you... Quiet!

You men know the medical officer warned
you against being in this unhealthy

area? Say, halt!

Right face!

All right, halt!

You're in the modern shopping center.
Step over there.

All right. Tell you what I'm going to
do. I know you're a man of vision.

Visualize what can be done. Don't go. I
visualized it years ago.

It's Billman's swamp.

Billman's. Good heavens. That must be at
least 14 miles.

Don't kid me.

All right. But you did get rid of the
mosquitoes.

Give me $10 a leg and give me a chance
to break even. Oh, look, Bilko. The only

reason I'm here is because I'm the local
agent for the International Land

Development Company. And I've got to
look at everything that's for sale.

I'll have a good report for them on
this.

Yes, what is it, Miss Basie? I have Mr.
Robinson in New York. Oh, Mr. Robinson.

Hello, Mr. Robinson.

Yes, I was out there. No, nothing
whatever. Just a swamp land.

It's of no value whatsoever.

What is it, Miss Basie? What's that on
your shoes?

I just got back from that swamp. They're
wet. That doesn't look like water.

Just one moment, Mr. Robinson.

Oil?

Mr.

Robinson, I'll call you right back.

It's crude oil, all right. It's oil, Mr.
Robinson.

25 acres of it.

Now, listen, Bert, don't panic. Buy
every lot of it and be smart.

Offer him so little, no one suspects.

I'm flying out to Kansas at once.

What is it, J .R.? You think our eye on
Kansas paid off? We've got oil.

Mr. Tyler, be reasonable. We're offering
to sell the property back to the county

and half of what we paid for it.

Oh, sure.

What is it, Sarge? I don't want to take
it back. He says we owe him $16 in taxes

already. Come on.

Hello?

Hello, Bilko? This is Mr. Burke.

I've been thinking about that property
you have a sale. You know, that

swampland? Well, Mr. Burke, if you're
interested, perhaps I can talk my show

sheets into disposing of the property.
Well, Mr. Robinson, who I represent,

hates to see a soldier get stuck. Now,
we'll take it off your hands, shall we

say $2 an acre?

Two... You say $2 an acre. I think
that's terribly unfair, Mr. Burke. After

we spent $10 an acre for the property.
Well, can't you boost it just a little?

Well, as long as it's for you boys...

up to $5 an acre. Maybe I could just
stop at a monocle.

What's this on your shoe?

It must be something I picked up at the
swampland.

Oh, Mr. Robinson says it's okay, Bilko.

$5 an acre.

Oh, Bilko.

How about $6 an acre? That's all.

$7? $8?

$9?

Hello, Mr. Burke. Stop wasting my time.

If you want to do business with me, stop
talking in the millions.

Millions?

They know about the oil. Oh, I knew
you'd mess it up. Now, listen, Bilkoff.

We'll go as high as any oil company.
We've got millions.

Now, let's get together at once.

All right, Mr. Robinson. I'll speak to
my board of directors. I'm sure they'll

be willing to make some sort of deal.
I'll get in touch with you.

Mr. Pilko, we've been on this contract
for eight hours. Will you please sign?

Please, please, Mr. Robinson. I'm just
the voice of the board of the director.

Gentlemen, we're down to this. We get
$11 million as a down payment.

Then 10 cents a barrel, which will bring
us in another million dollars.

How about the details? Sergeant, it's a
standard contract. Please sign. I want

to get my drillers in there. Please,
please, just a moment. You specify right

this clause here to build us each a home
in Miami Beach, right?

You don't say anything about the type of
construction.

It specifies a $50 ,000 home. They can
have any kind of price they want.

I'll speak to the men. Now, gentlemen,
there it is. How does it sit with all of

you?

He speaks for the group.

All right, a swimming pool. Sergeant, an
operation like this, what's a million

dollars one way or another? Now, please,
let's settle it now. Let's not go into

litigation later. This is the time to
clarify it. Here's your clause.

You guarantee us each a limousine, but
there's nothing said about a chauffeur

with each house.

Mosquito. Mosquito.

Now, will you please sign, Sergeant?

Another mosquito.

Mosquito, I thought we got rid of them.
Yep.

Mosquitoes are back. Get rid of them.
I'll do what I did before.

Goodbye. I'll spray oil on this one.

Oil?

I said, I'll spray oil.

He said, Earl, that's Corporal Earl.
They have a lot of fun. They spray each

other with garden hoses. Go spray oil.
I'm Dick.

Out! I'm Simon. Quiet.

Has that oil been used to exterminate
the mosquitoes?

I guess that's what I'm saying. We're
taking the boat.

Unanimous? Okay, we're signing. No,
please. We're very happy to hold the

right away. You yourself said tonight. I
want you to drive me to the airport.

I'll sign it. Thank goodness I found out
about this.

Please!

It became that close.

And it all started with one word.

Tangerine.

Tangerine. Hey, wait a minute.

It never did get back to the Colonel,
did it?

Boy, we're lucky.

Lucky? It cost us $11 million.

Cheap. Cheap.

To find out that we haven't got a spy in
the outfit.

Come on, Dino.

I want to tell you a secret.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Jack
Hartley as Mr. Buckley, Nelson Olmsted

Captain Masters, Hope Sandsbury as Mrs.
Hall, and Jimmy Little as Sergeant

Grover.

Now, stay tuned for more of our farewell
to Phil Silver's Invertivision.