All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s02e30 Bilko the Marriage Broker

Rise and shine.

Hey, good morning, men. Good morning,
good morning. I'm your new company

commander.

Why didn't you tell me this was the
hospital?

It isn't, sir. This is your motor pool
platoon.

You mean these men are in the army?

Yes, sir.

Him too?

I'm afraid so, sir.

example of you, Sergeant. He's up, he's
out, his bed's already made. With a man

like that for your leader, I expect a
greater thing from you men.

Come on, Rupert. All right, enough is
enough.

Oh, come on. Just one more hour of
poker. Good night. Go home to your wife.

home to your wife. It's easy for you to
say, I gotta do it.

You guys are up so early.

Look, I'm warning you. If one guy wakes
me up, I'm warning you. I want... Huh?

What is it? What are you trying to tell
me? They're trying to tell you your new

company commander has arrived.

Do you mind I ask him? Let's not butt
in. I don't mind.

Roll call. Roll call.

Hold on, sir. I'm just trying to get the
men out to work, sir. Quiet.

Hold that. Sir, they're so eager to get
out to their work. Is that why they

slept through Reveille?

Did you sleep through Reveille?

You're bad soldiers.

Bad. That'll be enough. That'll be
enough. Hold on.

I'm Lieutenant Wallace, your new company
commander.

Sergeant Vilcro, sir. Glad to have you
aboard, sir. What do you want that man?

Hooray! Hooray!

You'll notice the two, sir. From this
moment on, there will be a daily

inspection. You will have drill, hikes,
full field pack, 20 -mile hikes. May I

remind the lieutenant we're just a
service outfit, sir. Sergeant, you will

your men assembled on the parade grounds
for calisthenics in ten minutes.

Come on!

Aye, aye, lieutenant.

We're going to be on those parade
grounds. Oh,

we're going to miss him around here.

They're all tough till I soften them up.

Al, there's a hundred ways to take care
of an eager beaver. First, we'll give

him a little gift, a pair of socks or
something. We'll let him think we think

he's a regular guy.

Then for his zinger, we throw, we love
our company commander party.

is the best.

Inspection! Inspection!

Inspection!

Inspection! Inspection! Inspection!

Inspection!

Well,

not bad, Doc. Not bad. I see that you
take... Time to take a little dirt off

this rifle. Yes, I did exactly as you
wanted, sir. I took it apart, cleaned

and then put it right back together
again, sir. Not bad, not bad at all.

Where's the trigger?

Trigger, sir?

Yes, the little doodad you pull if you
want to fire the gun. Oh, well, sir, I

had some parts left over.

This is it, sir. No, that's the
mainspring.

The notes are all clean, sir. I've kept
them in an envelope, sir. In case

there's some emergency... Philco!

Sir? This platoon does not go to bed
until every piece of equipment has

inspection. Yes, sir.

Yes, sir. Oh, sir, just a moment, sir. I
hate to disturb the lieutenant, sir,

but we have these papers here that have
to be signed. Do you understand, sir?

These are requisitions for the motor
pool. This is some gas, sir. I do hate

trouble you with this red tape. Just a
minute.

Thank you very much. You mind if I read
that one? You mind? I signed it. I'd

like to read it.

I'd like to read this one.

I,

Lieutenant T .R. Wallace, request
immediate transfer to the United States

for the duration...

I'll track him down, sir. All right,
quiet.

Hold that.

He'll go.

Dismiss your men.

Yes, sir. All right, knock it off, boys.
Sergeant.

Sir. Dismiss your men properly.

Oh, probably. All right, ready. Aim.
Fire. Yes,

sir. Now, we have a lot of work.

Oh, this guy is murdering us. Sarge,
this guy is murdering us. Sarge, he

human. He's a monster. No, he isn't.
He's a perfectly normal young man who is

obviously suffering from a
neurofrustration complex. Yeah?

Oh, of course.

Freud proved this in his theory when he
gave the analysis of the young Viennese

nobleman, Baron von Schnitzel, a high
-strung young man of the aristocracy who

showed signs of mental strain when he
started shooting down his own men.

Oh, yes, the authorities tried to reason
with him, but he just kept laughing and

shooting down men.

Freud was called into the case,
fortunately for them, because Freud saw

Freud saw what on the surface looked
like a maniacal outburst about a

Freud, in language that the layman would
understand, showed him that bang, bang,

bang of the gun was symbolic.

It said, give, give, give. Bang, bang,
bang. Give, give. He wanted love. And

in the twisted thwarting of his
monument, bang, bang, bang.

Don't you see the pile over this young
lieutenant here?

Don't you see the compulsive drive
against his neurotic pretension?

Don't you see it?

When the lieutenant says, present arms.

He tries to be mad. Present arms. You
know what he's saying? Give arms. Give

arms. I want to be one of you. Don't you
see it? His libido was so twisted into

the it complex and the edit of it
complex that it's as plain as Freud. If

alive today, he would see this man's
complexes.

In other words, he needs a girl.

A girl?

Look, how long has he been here? It's
been spring. Has he looked at a girl

No, he's been too busy looking at us.
Right.

Give me a list of all the available
names on a post. Check. Caparelli, get

his room. Find a clue.

Give me the type of girl he likes. How?

How? Look at his pinups. Look at his
magazines.

Find the pages with the thumbprints on
them. I hope it works. He hopes it

We're desperate. If it doesn't work, you
know what's going to happen?

He's going to make soldiers out of us.

to his entire room and that's all the
evidence he came up with? That's right.

picture of Anita Ekberg had the only
thumbprints.

All right, go on. In three weeks he's
been here, he only went to one movie,

and Peace.

War and Peace. Anita Ekberg again.

Boys were starting to pinpoint the
target. Go on. He had dinner in town

What did he have it with? He ate alone.

Alone. He had Swedish meatballs.

Swedish meatballs. Anita Ekberg again.
Get her measurements. They're in my

We've got to find the game on this post
with measurements close to Anita Ekberg.

Here it is, son.

You got the availability list? One dame.

One dame? Well, all the WAC offices are
engaged, and he can't go with enlisted

WACs. Who's the dame? Is this it, Miss
Gloria Wigman? Yes, she's the post

librarian, a civilian.

And you guys know what she looks like?

Waist 26. Waist 26.

Waist 26. But I heard nothing about the
Army putting the civilian help in

uniform. My dear, the orders just came
through, and you're our only civilian.

want you to have the perfect fit. Listen
to him. Hips 40. Hips 40. Hips 40. Is

it going to have a Peter Pan collar? Oh,
yes, and I can give you puff sleeves.

Oh! and am I going to have a dirichlet?

You'll have the dumbest dirichlet you
ever saw.

Oh, the book I asked you to read. Can
you find it? Oh, what was it again?

The book on motors. The Do's and Don'ts
on diesels by Undershaft. Oh, yes, the

Do's and Don'ts on diesels by
Undershaft. Give me her measurements.

Anita Eckberg?

I'll be back, Sean. It's amazing.

Exactly the same measurements. 40, 32.

No kidding.

With one exception.

Where Eckberg is 40, she's 32.

She's 32, Eckberg is 40.

You've got to give up. Give up nothing.
It's her only hope.

And that's the story, sir. We've kept
this young lady so late, looking up

technical books for us, she missed the
last bus home. And then this last

job on the Colonel's staff car came
along, and we're all so busy, we can't

her home. I'm not busy, Sergeant!

You're not busy?

Have you forgot the tires on the hair
track? I'm sorry!

Always volunteering. That's the way I
met our train, sir.

And so I just feel terrible so nobody
left to drive her home. We're so busy.

Well, in that case, I suppose... Would
you, sir? That's awfully nice of you.

She'll show you the way. She knows just
how to get there. You shouldn't take the

shortcut, you know, where the shimmering
moonlight is. I know, I know. You know,

you know. No one on driving.

Happy landing. Have a nice trip.

Chevy. Yeah. Got everything figured out?
Did they run out of gas in Lovett Lane?

We measured it to the last drop. In
exactly 13 minutes, the Jeep will come

stop exactly at Smooch Point.

Smooch Point. From there on, Mother
Nature takes its own course. Keep it

relaxed, boys.

Tomorrow we'll all sleep late. He'll be
hanging around the library all day.

How can I? I haven't got a library card.
Oh, we'll fix you up with one.

What happened to the enchanting young
lady, sir? Private Doberman's taken care

of her.

Doberman.

Well, it's a good man, that Doberman.

Volunteer. Will you check on me as soon
as you get the colonel's car fixed? I'll

be in my office.

Yes, sir. Now, you heard the lieutenant.
Check on the car. We've got to work on

the car because... I don't get this at
all.

Young man, it's spring.

A lovely night like this. He could be
sitting in the car with a beautiful

lady now. He wants to sit in an office.

It's against all rules of nature.
Doesn't he know it's the mating season?

Doesn't he know it's spring when nature
demands... Wait a minute.

What is it, Sarge?

Maybe he doesn't know.

Flowers for me, Bilko? Yes, sir. I
thought they would brighten up your

Do you mind if I put them on the sill,
sir?

You see, so in the morning, the bees can
get at them. The bees?

Yes, sir. Well, you see, sir, at this
time of year, there's a pollen in the

flowers. And the birds, and the bees.

They just have this big desire to get at
that pollen.

Excuse me, sir. You are over 21.

I'm way ahead of you, Bilko. I've been
giving sex lectures to the men for the

last five years.

Oh, then you know.

I know.

Are you sure you didn't overlook any
girls on the post? No.

How about Cleo the Clutch?

That hashlinger? For an officer?

Why don't you look alive?

He's got to have something special.

Now, you know the kind of girl he would
go for? Colonel Hoffman. Right in there,

Lieutenant. Thank you, sir.

Go right in, sir.

Tell you the kind of girl he would go
for.

That's the kind.

Blonde, she's an officer, looks like
Anita Egbert, but would that ever happen

this post?

It happened.

Thank you. The name is Lieutenant
Rogers, and she's just been

stationed here. Now, look, wait a
minute. I saw her first. Oh, excuse me,

Oh, what is it, Bilko? Isn't it
wonderful?

Well, what's wonderful? I mean about
Lieutenant Wallace's fiancée. Lieutenant

Rogers has been transferred to this
post.

She's Tom Wallace's fiancée. Oh, I do
hope it's a spring wedding, don't you? I

know you chaps will look wonderful at
the chapel holding the swords over their

heads. Tom never mentioned it. Oh, you
know him. He's the intensely silent,

jealous type.

Heavyweight champion at West Point, you
know.

And they're brooders.

You going in? No, I'll get later.

All right, sir.

Swell.

Get Lieutenant Wallace, have him over to
the motor pool. I'm going to see if

they meet before the wolf pack makes
their move.

Well, I must say, Sergeant, you make
your company commander, Lieutenant

sound like some kind of a superman. Oh,
yes. Where do you meet him, sir? Blue

eyes. Please notice them. Very sincere.

I must say, we've all lost our hearts to
him. I called Barbella and said, do you

want to see me? Oh, yes, Lieutenant. I
would like you to meet Lieutenant

She's been transferred to our post, sir.
How do you do? What does Barbella want

to see me? I don't believe you heard me,
sir. This is Lieutenant Rogers. What,

sir? What?

So? Well, sir.

I just wanted you to be the first to
meet the lieutenant.

I got the name. I got the name. Look,
Bilko, have you become the social

on this post?

No, sir. I assure you.

That's not my idea. I'm not anxious to
meet conceited officers. No, no, no. I'm

not paying you the sight of any second
lieutenant who takes advantage of what

some naive man might call rushing.

Are you conceited? Please, lieutenant. I
was just showing her around the post.

I've seen enough, sir.

Why aren't you on the rifle range with
the rest of your men? Sir, this is all

wrong. Get going. Get going, Bilko. Get
going. I'm sure Lieutenant Rogers will

have no trouble finding some man who has
gone around the post. After all,

she's... He's gone.

Oh, darling.

I had to be careful, sweetheart.

After all, if they found out I was
getting a transfer just to be near you,

might get to father. Of all the girls I
have to become engaged to, it has to be

the daughter of a general who believes
having his daughter on the same post

the man she loves is taking advantage of
her military privilege.

Oh, darling, I don't care. I just want
to get married. I can't, I can't. Not

until I'm a captain. I promise your
father.

Yes, darling.

Remember, Virginia, no one must even
suspect we know each other. We've got to

play it cold.

We've got to play it cold.

First time I ever saw two people meet,
it was hate at first sight. You ain't

kidding. You should have been at the
administration building. They had a big

fight in front of everybody.

I don't get it. He's a good -looking
guy.

She's a pretty girl. They're young. It's
spring.

They should be making enough electricity
to light a small city. Sides, you've

got to face it. They hate each other. Do
what?

Very easy to turn hate into love. All it
needs is a spark. What kind of spark?

Spark of jealousy.

Jealousy? Yeah, the minute she sees
another dame interested in him, wham,

wants him for herself. Another dame?
Yeah, somebody nice and flashy like Cleo

the Clutch. Oh, you mean the waitress at
the diner? Yeah, she goes to work on

him tonight at the post movie. You think
the Clutch will do it? Let me handle

the Clutch. Give me my shoes. Towel,
towel.

Well?

Sure, this Hollywood talent scout's
going to be at the Post movie tonight.

Clutch, would I lie to you?

Yeah, but I'm in no position to doubt
it. Good girl. Here's what you do.

Do you mind?

Here's what you do. The seat in front of
me will be empty. That's the seat you

sit in. Now, you make a play for your
officer sitting to your left.

Officer? I thought he was a talent
scout.

Look, he's come to an army post looking
for talent. What should he wear, a

hockey outfit?

I don't know. The whole thing sounds
phony. Cleo, let me assure you.

Steve Murray?

There's no floor show here, please. Keep
your color.

Now, look.

You got nothing to lose.

The worst comes to the worst, you see a
movie for nothing. Let me worry about

it. Rocker will tell you when you show
up, okay?

Okay. Good girl.

This is our last touch.

Oh, right here, Lieutenant.

Lieutenant, what luck. The only seat
left in the entire show. Right here.

I'm glad you could come, Lieutenant.

Thank you, Sergeant.

Excuse me. What's wrong, sir? Do you
mind if I choose whom I sit next to? I

don't want to see the picture that badly
either. Excuse me, sir. It may not be

my business to say so, but this will
have a terrible effect on the morale of

men, so won't you please be seated?

Well, very well, Sergeant. Oh, no!

Here are two seats here, Gloria.

some coffee in here, isn't it?

Ah, the picture's about to start. My,
it's Dr.

Romantic in here, isn't it?

The clutch.

Quick, the clutch.

He's got to fix the clutch. Yeah.

Oh, it's nothing. The picture brings out
the Spanish in me, sir.

Just the officer sitting right in front
of me.

In their pitchforks, this means
Hollywood. You know, make up to run your

through them. Lay your head on his
shoulder.

Colonel. Colonel. Colonel, please. Take
my seat, will you, sir?

No, no.

Please, please.

You take mine. I'm not interested at all
in the picture, really, Colonel.

Neither am I. Are you sure? Yes.

Oh, I hope we haven't missed too much.

Oh, I'm sorry you can't sit here. These
seats are taken. Please.

Colonel.

Nothing, sir. Oh. Oh, I'm sorry that you
can't sit here. Well, this is an empty

seat. I know, sir, but I don't think
she'd better sit here. Quiet. Give you a

little more confidence. Quiet, Bilko.
Watch the picture.

Yes, sir. Cleo, will you get out of
here? Get out. Come on, come on.

Stop handling this, young lady. It's not
that I'm handling it, sir. I just...

Are you comfortable here, sir? Yes.

All right.

Now, you have to leave, young lady. I'm
awfully sorry. Bilko, take your hands

off me, young lady. I think this is a
spy.

All right, Ivan. Take your wig off. We
know you.

Yes, sir.

What's all the trouble, John?

Nothing, nothing.

knows. My heart knows.

Believe me, I... Shame on you and in
front of all your men, too.

Please, please, young lady.

Mel, really, I don't know.

Please, really, young lady.

You old goat, you!

The men?

Well, perhaps you two would rather be
alone.

I'm going home. Mel, please. Young lady,
please.

Please, young lady.

Mel, you heard that goat. She's a spy.

Congratulations, Tom.

Congratulations. Why you wanted to keep
your engagement to a doll like

Lieutenant Rogers a secret is beyond me.
How did you find out about that? Oh,

good morning, Colonel. What's good about
it?

You enjoyed the movie last night, sir?

Oh, that's right.

You're the young man that gave me that
seat.

Yes, sir.

Excuse me, Colonel. Stay away from me,
young lady.

I didn't know. I didn't get a wink of
sleep last night.

Look, would you take... Excuse me.

Just a moment, Lieutenant. I'd like to
speak to you. Would you file those for

me, please? Yes, sir. Thank you.

Oh, Tommy.

Virginia. What's the matter with you?

The secret's out. Everybody knows that
we're engaged.

Well, good, as long as everybody knows
we can get married. I promised your

father not until I'm a captain. We can
get a jeep and get married this

afternoon. I promised your father. Never
mind my father. You're not marrying my

father. You're marrying me. Virginia,
look, I... This afternoon.

You'll enjoy the show. I have a
wonderful... That'll be all, Lieutenant.

That'll be all. I'll stay on the company
matters, you understand?

That's all?

Dismissed? Dismissed? Yes, Lieutenant.

Really, Lieutenant, he's a wonderful
guy. Have you noticed his blue eyes? So

sincere. Sergeant.

Sir?

Sergeant, get a jeep ready and fuel for
me at 2 o 'clock this afternoon. I'll

pick it up at the motor pool.

Motor pool, sir? That's where Lieutenant
Wallace is usually hanging around.

Never mind, Sergeant. I mean, you two
are always at each other's throats. Just

get the jeep, Sergeant.

Jeep. 2 o 'clock at the motor pool. Yes,
sir. 2 o 'clock.

I know, but look, Belko. Are you sure
this is the right guy?

Yes, yes. Now, this is the talent scout.

Now, look. Here is the scene. At a few
minutes before 2 o 'clock, you come into

the motor pool and you fling yourself
into his arms.

And what?

Yes, yes, this is a screen test.

Now remember, he is your lover and he's
trying to leave you.

So clutch, live up to your name.
Remember, give it everything.

Sorry, is everything ready? Yes, ma 'am.

Now look, honey, if your husband was a
captain, you know, you might have a

chance of something. All I want to be is
Mrs. Wallace.

Right on time. Attagirl, Cleo, hang on.
Lieutenant Rogers will be here any

minute. Bilko, Bilko, what is this?
Please let me handle this. Get in there

pitch Cleo. Cleo?

Wait a minute. You mean you two?

That's right, Coco.

Congratulations, sir. Who is Cleo? This
is the happiest moment of my life,

seeing you two together, sir. Who is
Cleo? I always said, all you needed was

love of a good woman, sir. Who is Cleo?
And you, you sly lieutenant ordering a

chief you wanted to get away and get
married. There isn't going to be any

marriage. No marriage? Not until I find
out who Cleo is.

Cleo? Cleo, it's an expression we use.
Now, instead of saying everything is

snafu, we say, who is Cleo?

It's kind of an old army expression. Who
is Cleo?

Cleo. Have you forgotten those two?

Who is this woman? I assure you it was
the clutch. What's she doing in the

motorhome? She's a traveling sales lady
selling spare parts.

I'll see you. I'll see you at the
garden.

Congratulations.

You just broke up my marriage. Look,
I'll explain it to Lieutenant Rogers.

Everything will be squared away. I'll
just tell her I did this, which is the

truth, just to make her jealous. Well,
just forget it, Bilko. Forget it? It's a

use. I couldn't marry her until I was a
captain.

A captain?

Is that all that's been bothering you?
Oh, it may take years.

Why didn't you just mention it?

Captain.

One little finger. One finger.

No, sir.

Bringing charges against Lieutenant
Wallace for extremely cruel and inhuman

treatment of enlisted men under him.
Sir, we could barely hold out, sir.

You, Philco, and your platoon out on a
20 -mile hike?

Sir, it was a nightmare.

He made you take the infiltration
course?

Yes, that's where we almost lost
Doberman.

And you, Philco, out on the drill field?

Sir, the man is a fiend, sir. He should
have his lieutenant bars ripped right

off him, sir.

You're so right.

Lieutenant Wallace, are these charges
made by the men true?

Yes, sir.

Lieutenant, for doing what no officer
has been able to do in the history of

Baxter, I am recommending you for
immediate advancement to captain.

Sir, this is the direct slap that every
enlisted man, so the doughboys who have

worked... Quit!

Quit! Yes, sir.

Bill Carroll, it's time you learned that
I make the decisions on this post, not

you. Yes, sir.

But who was asked?

Well, Captain, darling.

Captain Wallace.

Oh, Tom.

Virginia, this is so sudden. I just
don't know what to do.

You don't know what to do? Sir, please.

You see, at this time of year, the birds
and bees have this desire to get the

pollen in their mouth. It's a perfectly
natural urge. The birds and bees know

that the pollen is there, as it should
be. And so they... Oh, he knows.

He knows.

Also seen in tonight's show were Biff
McGuire as Lieutenant Wallace, Constance

Ford as Lieutenant Rogers, Virginia
DeLuce as Cleo, Janet Fox as the

and Joey Ross as Sergeant Ritzy.

Now stay tuned for The Munsters, next
year in TV Land.