All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s02e28 The Secret Life of Sergeant Bilko

Yes, yes, that's what I said. As editor
of the Globe, you ought to be ashamed of

yourself for printing such lies about
Army security.

Those Army rockets and top -secret
equipment he claims he photographed, you

those were obsolete models he took right
out of some old magazines.

Look, General, you just play with your
toy soldiers and don't tell us what to

print. How is he, man?

Best wishes, Ray.

I think you've gone about as far as you
can with this phony expose.

Harry, this series is the hottest thing
we ever ran. You're getting too hot.

Unless you get some real facts, it's...
You want facts? Okay, I'll get you

facts. I go to some small army camp
where they don't get the New York

Yeah, so you won't be recognized.

Right. I'll find out where the G .I .s
hang out. I'll flash a roll of bills.

I'll wine them. I'll dime them. And
presto, I'm their pal.

They'll bring me pictures, plans,
blueprints.

Boy, will that make a story?

Well, that's the crummiest trick I ever
heard.

How soon can you leave?

Right now.

All right, you got that?

Five shrimp cocktails. Right. Five
sirloin steaks. Splendid. Fly my little

to the kitchen. Good night, sir. Well,
my host, Mr. Adam Apopolis.

$15 order, huh? Is that charming? As
busy as he is, he takes time out to give

his personal attention.

The warmth of his gracious hospitality.

I told you when these bums walk in,
check with me.

Is he done?

and the fuss they make over Tootshore.

Sheriff! See, you're no credit for these
deadbeats. Wait a minute!

Did you all hear that?

What is it, Birko? You call me a
deadbeat in a public place in front of

these people.

Well, if you pay for the time, I'll pay
it on the radio, too. Thank heavens we

live in a country where there are laws
protecting the innocence against

slanderous remarks just as you just
made.

I'm suing you for $50 ,000.

Oh, please, don't.

Don't try to make a settlement. I want
the name to all these witnesses. Wilco,

don't start. Young lady, I want you to
understand you'll wear a short skirt, of

course. I'll supply the nylon. Wilco, do
me a favor. Get out of here. Please,

don't try to make any settlement. Who
wants to make a settlement? Your lawyer

will. My lawyer won't even give me...
Just a minute. Suppose your lawyer

you to settle for $1 ,000.

I won't settle for $1 ,000.

Just in theory.

Suppose you just say, I settle for $1
,000.

All right.

Splendid. You'll never regret it. Take
the $15 off the $1 ,000. No, ma 'am.

Before the case comes to court,

Cash. What'll it be, boys?

Five hamburgers. I'm sorry. I'll have a
table for you in a moment. Say, a lot of

soldiers in Fort Paxton hang out here,
don't they?

It just happened to my competitors.

How much is that? Here's the nickel.

Oh, Pat.

Figures. How close are we?

You still need 36 cents.

I'm assuming there'll be no tip. Oh, you
are so right.

Come on, Rocco.

I'm all alone here. I wonder if you
could find a place for me. Sure.

Here, this is for you.

Nice. Something smells awfully good.

Oh, thank you. Any place at all.

Oh, what luck.

Here's the place right here. Why don't
you join us?

Well, all right, but only if I buy the
meal.

Well, if you were a friend of mine, and
if I knew you, I would argue out of

this. However, stay like this.

Let's have dinner.

She was one of the town's leading
debutantes, you understand.

Came out in a bad year.

Get rid of my coat and wash up. No
hurry. We'll still be here. What? What?

Sarge, I've seen his face somewhere. Who
was looking at his face? All I noticed

was that bankroll. Now, there were
faces.

Washington, Hamilton, Lincoln.

Sarge, I knew I'd recognize him. Look,
here's his picture.

Look at these newspaper articles my
mother sent me.

What is this picture? What's his name?
Ray Barker. He's been writing a phony

series rapping the army. My mother's
scared.

If he thinks he's going to come here,
flash a bankroll and try to bribe us

his dirty money to give him military
secrets. Yeah.

Thank heavens he came here to a platoon
that can use your money.

My secret, sir.

We'll give a military secret. Sarge,
military secrets at Fort Baxter? When I

through, Fort Baxter will make Oak Ridge
look like ding -dong school.

So I said to this security officer, I
said, sir, why pick on a small post like

Baxter for these highly secretive
experimental things such as Project Boom

And he... Oh, you're back.

I don't think I got your name. I'm
Sergeant Bilko, in charge of military

secrets. Charlie Jones. I'm in farm
machinery.

Sit down, Charlie.

Farm machinery.

Oh, I wish I was in something like that
instead of this atomic energy thing.

You'll forget I said that, won't you,
please? Just a slip of the tongue.

forget it. You can understand. For
security reasons. Yeah, I understand.

Well, I suppose you had difficulty
getting a room in town. I mean, with all

scientists and the top brass that are
here from the Pentagon for the... All

right, Charlie? Yeah. All right.

Sir! This little town is full of
scientists.

Yes, but they're wasting their time.

I've seen that they won't get this thing
off the ground.

What thing?

Oh, it's too technical to explain. I got
all the blueprints and the details in

my office.

Look, I may not be a genius, but even I
know you don't just take a hydraulic

ejector, atomic inductor, and expect it
to give the velocity to the nuclear...

Well, you'll see for yourself when you
come to the barracks.

Not truly in your barracks? Why not?

Well, doesn't the army have rules?

Well, of course, but there's a greater
rule of Western hospitality.

The willingness to share our meager
campfire with a wayfaring stranger.

Well, of course, if you'd prefer going
to the hotel. Oh, no, no, I'd like to

stay with you. With my friends.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I said friends. You know what that does
to me.

I tell you, Harry, those naive jerks are
sneaking me right into their barracks.

Yes, Colonel.

He's a newspaper man from New York. He
wants to do a nice story about army

and I convinced him to do it right here
at Fort Baxter.

Wonderful, Bilko.

It's about time we got a little
publicity.

Don't you get permission from your
mother to stay with us? Yes, she's

Now, you're sure you can get me into the
vessel?

Place is crawling with security agents.

You think that's a blonde over there?

Lieutenant Schmidt of the FBI.

One of their best men.

I checked. It's going to be rough. They
got all the fences electrified. There's

a machine gun nest every ten feet.

But for a friend, I guess we can arrange
it.

Well, Sidney, without you to drop in and
say hello, how's it going?

Remember what the sergeant said when he
called.

Here they are.

Close the door.

All clear.

All clear.

I'm sorry, Charlie. I thought that was a
security policeman. You've got to be

very careful. You know, those guys, they
shoot first and ask questions later.

Fine. Now, look, here's what we're going
to do. The minute we get you in the

barracks, you'll be safe. And we'll get
you there in a garbage truck. Put them

in the garbage can, boys. The garbage
can?

Isn't there any other way?

Oh, yes, there is. Of course.

We'll send your picture to Washington.
Then they send it back to you. No, no,

no. Let's do it this way. Put them in,
boys.

Now, look. The minute you get to the
back barracks, you know, the boys,

be waiting. They'll have the furnace
room ready.

The furnace room? Oh, it'll be perfectly
safe. You'll be covered with coal.

Coal? Soft coal, of course.

But look, let's do it the other way,
where we send your picture to

No, no, no, no.

Let's go.

All right, give it a minute. Now, look,
I'll tap on the lid whenever it's old

cake. All right.

Did you hear that, Charlie?

We heard it okay. Now, look. Where are
you at there, soldier? Just filling some

garbage, huh? Well, I don't know if
you're filling garbage. Yes, I do.

Well, I don't know.

He's gone.

You all right, Charlie?

Now, remember, you guys know what to do.
What's in that furnace room is a golden

goose that's going to lay eggs. Watch
it, here he comes. We don't know what

here for. You know, play it dumb.
Morning activity. Hi, hi.

What is that, Paparelli?

You want to go on K .P. again? Well, you
can't. Don't be a hard man. I know it's

pleasant in the kitchen, but you can't.
Well...

Good morning, Charlie.

My head is still ringing. That garbage
can.

Well, that's all behind you. Just think
of this as your home away from home.

Anything you want. You don't see it.
Just ask for it. Now that you mention

last night you said something about
documents and military secrets and

Isn't that wonderful? He still
remembers. That's a real citizen.

Interested in that dull, drab military
secret.

Yeah, I'm so interested in military
documents.

Oh, it's sort of a hobby. Oh, that'll
all come. Why don't you wash up first?

Well, sir, where do I go? Right in
there.

Oh, oh, I'm terribly sorry. I forgot.
Since you're in the barracks, you'll be

using our facilities, and there are
certain charges. Charges? I know you'll

think this is rather petty, but the boys
did chip in all the money to fix up the

barracks, as you can see.

And so we sort of share the expenses
together.

Oh, yeah, well, I'll pay my share. Well,
that's terribly nice of you. Did you

bring the towel?

No. Oh, then you'll need the towel
service. That's by the year, you know.

$36.

That's what, if you remember, of the
latrine club.

A latrine club? Yes.

$65 a year?

Yes. It's worth it, though. You see,
they give you everything, excluding the

shower cap and the soap. Oh, but it's a
wonderful organization. At the end of

the year, there's this gigantic cocktail
party in the latrine. Lots of fun.

$65. I could use a hot shower. Oh,
excuse me. Did you say hot?

Hot.

That's another branch of the latrine
club. The hot water club.

The hot water club? Oh, if you're not a
member of the hot water club around

here, you're just a goose pimple.

I'm not joining. Well, it's splendid.
You're one of the family.

Hey, Ernie, I've got the names here for
the full tournament. Do you want to sign

up? Wait a minute, Ernie. I need those
things. Not as much as I do.

Yes, Major, I'll memorize these
signatures and then eat the paper.

Signature? Oh, yes. All the top
scientists who are working on Project

Are those genuine?

Good heavens, don't tell me you're one
of those autograph hunters who would pay

up to $10 for a name.

That's a matter of fact. Well, I thought
that their names would come to $100.

I'll take them.

You must remember one thing you wouldn't
get in this ordinarily, but I figure

you've already seen the blueprint.

Well,

you know about it. There it is.

Are those blueprints secret?

Are they secret? Just read what it says.

Plan for proposed sewage disposal plant
at Fort... Sewage disposal?

Really?

The Z -bomb.

They have to call it that, you see.

Because if it gets them to the hands of
the wrong people... Oh, may I tell you?

Now, look.

See this comic book? It's rather
innocent, doesn't it?

Code. Would you believe that this comic
book is the entire Atlantic defense

system in code?

Anything around here is code. I hate to
sign it, but what does it say?

Home sweet home. Does it really?

Read that back for me.

No, not aloud. Walt have ears. Wrap that
up for him.

You see, as long as a man is interested
in the defense of this country, I like

to... Well, heaven, how did these get
out of the safe?

Would you be interested in this army
cookbook, Secret Poisoning Devices?

That's right, Harry, I need more money
again. Now, remember, as fast as those

crates of documents I am looking at
here, put them in a safe underground.

That's right, I've brought every single
scrap of paper in these barracks, and

it's all top -secret stuff.

Oh, and we spread the Pentagon's top
-secret project all over our front page.

You can get ready to give me a raise.

Don't worry, don't worry. This time I'll
have proof.

An actual picture of me taken right in
the middle of a highly sensitive

installation.

surrounded by the platoon who gave me
the stuff.

Yeah, yeah, look, set up this caption,
huh?

G .I.

Jerks guard our country's top secrets.

Right.

How is your mother?

Oh, she's fine, fine.

Did you ever see such a devoted son?
Every night that he's been here, he's

called his mother. Yeah, and every night
she sent money.

Oh, I'd like to meet her personally.

You know, that's just what she said.

That's why she wanted me to take a
picture with all you guys. A picture?

Yeah. Well, that's the very least we
could do.

Say, Corporal Fender has a camera. He's
very good at it, and very reasonable.

I'll show you where he is.

Chief! Chief!

Oh, oh, oh, hold on. Dobman, it's
nothing.

Dobman, just step out of the picture.
You can't be in it. All right. Chief!

a minute, wait a minute. Dobman's very
important to the picture. Where can't he

be in it? Well, I'm afraid you don't
understand. You see, Dobman is a

professional model.

His union won't allow him to pose for
less than $50 an hour.

Doberman is a professional model.

Oh, God.

That's the 50 -baby food baby of 1916.

Oh, how quickly this... All right, all
right, I'll pay him his fee. I'll take

that 50, baby. All right, everybody, big
cheese!

Cheese! Oh, wait a second. Now what?

It'll only take... I'll be back in an
hour. I can't pose this with my hair.

a mess.

Well, look, you're the most important
one in the picture.

Well, of course. You don't think I want
your mother to see me with this mess? I

need a haircut. I'll be back in an hour.
Break it up, boys. I'll be...

Hello,

Harry?

I'm still here. Well,

I'm having a little trouble getting that
picture.

Well, I know I told you three days ago,
but... Well, I had to give them money so

they could set up a darkroom for the
picture.

Harry, we're sitting on top of the
biggest story... What?

What? You heard me.

It's a big story, all right. if it leaks
out that a bunch of G .I. jerks took a

smart New York reporter for almost $1
,000.

That's right.

Ed Mack, who was in the Pentagon during
the war, looked over those top -secret

documents you sent. It's nothing but
ordinary Army paperwork.

That's right.

Instead of throwing it in the
wastebasket, they've been selling it to

You mean there's no story?

Damn home, sucker!

While you still got the gold in your
fillings.

Well? Somebody must have told him. Boy,
is he mad.

Well, the sleigh ride is over. No, it
isn't. But, Sarge, we took him for

everything. Money isn't enough. He's got
to be made to suffer for all those lies

he's spread about the army. You mean...
Operation X -2 goes right into effect.

Tell the boys. Come on.

Boys know what to do. All set. Side
double. Sarge, here he comes.

Well, you think you're pretty clever,
don't you? Selling me all that worthless

stuff. Wait!

Close the door. What?

Have the guards out? Yes, troop leader.
Troop leader? What is it?

Why didn't you tell us who you are? I
thought you found out.

Now we know. We have this wire from our
undercover branch in New York through

Operator X2 telling us that a courier
posing as a newspaper man was coming. A

courier? Here, eat the wire.

Welcome to Cell 57, Kansas Division.

For the cause.

We've held up the cell meeting long
enough. I don't want to.

It's all right to be cautious. But the
time for caution is gone. The time for

action is here.

Also, we've held up the meeting long
enough.

Everybody knows their place. Everybody
in their places.

All right.

Turn on the lights. We have a friend.

In the name of the leader, I... In the
name of the leader, I... In the name of

the leader, I, Fritz... I, Fritz...
Dedicate my life to the overthrow and

destruction of the United States
government.

In the name of the leader, I... In the
name of the leader, I... In the name of

the leader, I, Fritz... I, Fritz...
Dedicate my life to the overthrow and

destruction of the United States
government. In the name of the leader,

Fritz... Did I reveal our plans? May my
death be instant at the hands of my

comrades. Did I reveal our plans? May my
death be instant at the hands of my

comrades. Good!

Look, look, let's bring out some...
That's a traitor!

Nothing, I... The arrival of Comrade
Fritz alerts us. We have but one week to

prepare for the day.

You know what our cause is. The
overthrow of the United States Army.

Now, when triumph day arrives, you all
have your orders. We will review same

orders.

Troop leader, Paparelli.

At three minutes after four, I will
arrive in Washington as the head of a

containing three million pounds of
dynamite.

Field Marshal Zimmerman.

My men and I will transfer the dynamite
to the cellar of the Pentagon.

I will be. I will wait. I don't... I
will wait in the cellar.

The moment the dynamite arrives, I will
attach it to a ten -second fuse.

I will have ten seconds to light the
fuse and leave the building in safety.

And to you, comrade Brittons, comes the
most glorious task of all.

Me? Yes, once the fuse is lighted, you
will stay in the cellar, blow on the

to see that it doesn't go out.

That's the traitors!

That's the traitors.

I'm Ray Barker. I'm a newspaper man from
New York. Well, Mr. Barker, I hope your

stay here will be... Do you know that
right on this post, there is a cell of

saboteurs who are part of a monstrous
conspiracy to overthrow this government?

Conspiracy? Why, Mr. Barker, I'm sure...
I have risked my life coming here. If

they knew I was talking to you, I'd be
dead in seconds.

This Bilko, he's a fanatic.

Bilko?

What is the scamp up to now?

That scamp is about to blow up the
Pentagon.

Oh, look, Kimberly, you've got to help
me. I've taken the oath. If they knew

that I was revealing the secret, well,
it's death to the traitor.

Now, Mr. Parker, unless you're very sure
there's any unauthorized activity...

Unauthorized? Look, there is going to be
a meeting in two minutes. I'll bring

you plenty of proof.

Now, unless... Shh!

Oh, it is Fritz!

Fritz, you are late.

Mark him late. Wait!

anything. Oh, yes, yes. Oh, Colonel, I
hope you realize I wasn't joking before.

Oh, you've got a great organization.

Well, thank you. I've spent a lot of
time building it up. Oh, I can

that. Of course, way out here, I don't
think the Pentagon knows I'm alive.

But I have a feeling that they'll hear
about me someday.

They certainly will.

Well, Mr. Parker. Oh, no, no, please,
Colonel. You must call me Fritz.

Oh, thank you.

Fritz, you haven't been with us very
long, but I'm sure you're one of us. Oh,

yes, yes, yes, I am. I've taken the
oath. I mean, you know, death to the

traitor.

I'm ready to go.

Excuse me. I've got some work to do.

Atom!

Shut up. Now, just listen.

I am watch day and night. My life is
worth a dime. I am involved with the

dangerous fanatic...

Your mother, Fritz?

Yes, Leda. She sent you her regards.

Good. Come. There is a final meeting.

Ray? Ray!

Barker's in trouble.

Call the commanding officer at Fort
Baxter. Tell him I'll be there at once.

Like that?

No, no. Lie flat.

Flat. You see, so that when it does go
off, there'll at least be something left

of you to identify.

Otherwise... Oh, no, no, no, no. Look,
look, look.

Don't, don't, don't.

Is there something wrong, Drew Leda?
Something wrong indeed.

Well, what is it?

Here's the wrong man.

But the troop leader undercover in New
York said that a courier posing as a

newspaper... I know, but the real
threats arise on the 3 .30 plane this

afternoon. You mean he.

Caput.

We know it's not your fault, but you can
see our position. You know everything.

We must kill you.

Who will do it? I would like to. George,
I'm the man.

Please, Ernie, let me do it. Why must
you always push yourself on? You killed

the last one.

He's gone.

In about ten seconds, he'll be making a
phone call, and this is one call we want

him to make.

Yes, yes, that's right, Sheriff.

Sheriff, this spy is getting off the 330
plane from New York. I'm positive.

He's part of the most dangerous group in
America.

Call the FBI. Call the state police.
Call the National Guard.

You've got to get him. You've got to.

He's going to blow up the Pentagon.

Good to see you.

I know it's hard to explain.

Harry, I came as soon as I found out it
was you.

I brought you some oranges, Harry.

Did they hurt you, Harry, when I grabbed
you at the airport?

Look, Harry, nobody has to know about
this. I'll write a nice story about Fort

Baxter. Harry, are you listening to me?

You sure you won't have some oranges?

Colonel Holt, I don't know what you did
to that Parker or how you did it, but

whatever it was, congratulations.

This is wonderful, Belko. A sleepy
little post carries on.

Well, Colonel, when you're nice to
people, they show it right back to you,

Mr. Parker did in his wonderful story
about Fort Baxter.

Read what he says at the finish. And as
far as security goes, any foreign agent

that gets into Fort Baxter will live to
regret it.

Well, now maybe they'll take notice of
us in Washington. Yes, sir.

This ought to light a bomb under the
Pentagon.

A bomb under the Pentagon. That's a
horrible thought to make.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Hope
Sandsbury as Mrs. Hall, Paul Lipson as

Lonesome Sam, Bob Shawley as Feldman,
George McIver as the Marching Rookie,

Tony Galanto as Little Pete.

in Vertivision.