All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s02e27 The Mess Hall Mess

A dash of paprika.

That's enough.

Catch him.

Oh, just a smidgen. Just enough to
caress the meat.

Dr. Rettig. Yes, sir. The men are
waiting for their dinner. Why isn't it

Oh, uh, it's ready, sir. Well, serve it.

Yes, sir. We'll serve it.

Are you sure it's ready?

Well, it looks like it's ready. Uh, why
don't you taste it?

You taste it.

Come on, you taste it. You taste it.

Well, I've been working on it all day.
It's hard for me to tell.

Hey, Dino.

Come on, taste it. Not me.

Oh, come on. Tonight I think they're
going to flip. But, Sarge, that's what

said every night this week. And all week
they've been sending it back.

Look, Sarge, suddenly what's with this
experimenting of yours?

Why don't you go back to the old menus?

Okay, you haven't won any gold medals,
but at least the men got it down. Oh,

shut up. I'm running this kitchen. I'm
going to cook, and you guys are going to

serve. Oh, come on, Dino. You take it
in. I'm sure tonight they're going to

flip. If they ask what it's called, what
should I say?

Well, be kind of coy about it. If they
press you, tell them that it's Sergeant

Ritzick's surprise.

Such a... I'd better put on a clean
apron. I got a hunch

tonight the boys are going to ask me to
take a bow.

Is

that

some pepperoni?

Would the boys like the food?

It's your fault. You went crazy with the
ketchup.

Rupert, my platon is screaming.

What are you doing with the food? Oh,
never mind. Come on, stop saying it.

on. Rupert, look, my boys are going
broke eating in town.

Well, wait till tomorrow. I'm working on
a fricassee. What fricassee? I can't

tell you about it. It's still on a
drawing board.

Well, so this is the scene of the crime.
Good evening, Lucrezia Borgia. Do you

mind? Now, look, Rupert, enough is
enough.

Do you mind? I am prepared to die for my
country, but not in your mess hall.

Do you mind what?

I forgot.

Look, Rupert, you can tell me. You got a
private agreement with the Kremlin?

Do you mind?

Here we go again with an old coward
dialogue.

Rupert, what's with this food?

This is going to look pretty bad for
you. Well, we're the only American camp

gets food packages from Europe.

I'll have the last laugh when I get $50
,000.

$50 ,000?

That's right. It's in all the magazines.

It's a $50 ,000 contest for the best new
American original recipe.

Who's sponsoring this? Murder
Incorporated?

Only the biggest food company in
America. Here, read this.

Associated Food Corporation's annual $50
,000 contest for...

Oh, so you've been using us for guinea
pigs, huh?

But, Ernie, if I could only hit the
right recipe.

Why don't you knock it off? Come on. I
got the jeep parked outside. We'll go in

the restaurant and eat in town.

Okay. You're a scientist, suddenly.

Come on.

No, not me.

A mess sergeant eating out? Are you
kidding?

With all the delicious food I got here?

Wait for me. I'm going with you.

this place before.

This place looks empty. The food must be
bad in here. Come on, let's go. Where?

Where? Where are we going to go?

Thanks to you, this is the only
restaurant in town that isn't jammed.

Come on.

I thought so. A Greek joint. Sit down
and chat.

My husband and I, we are here one week.

Naturally, you will have the specialty
of the house.

Oh,

no, no, no. We don't want anything
fancy.

We just had something fancy. Do you
mind? Take your hat off, animal.

My friends and I, we're not too hungry.
We'll just have some hamburgers.

Hamburgers? Monsieur, my husband,
Marcel, does not make hamburgers. Just

casserole à la boudreau.

Well, it'll take hours to get into any
other joint.

All right. Bring us that casserole,
whatever the name was. Oui, monsieur.

Trois casserole à la boudreau.

Well,

what do you think?

Say, do you have some wine?

She just told you wine.

Well, why don't they call an American
name like Manischewitz?

Show the lady. How much is two and two?
Go ahead. Pour with your left foot. Do

you mind? Oh, shut up.

Deux. Trois.

Voilà.

Bon appétit.

Dending my glasses.

Well, that hit the spot. Let's get out
of here. Wait a minute, I'm hungry.

Hungry enough to eat this?

Hey, don't look too bad. Do you mind if
I go ahead?

Go ahead, eat.

How is it, Rupert?

Sounds good.

One of us better stay in condition to
run for the chaplain.

I'll take a chance.

Well, how is it?

How is it?

Well, how is it?

It's looking like you never eat anything
in your life.

The way you... Bernie,

this stuff is great.

How great?

Think of every great meal you ever had
in your life before you answer me. How

great? This is the greatest dish I ever
had in my life. You're on record with

that statement. You, Rupert, what do you
think? You know what this tastes like?

What? $50 ,000.

$50 ,000?

That contest, you know, for the best
original American recipe?

Yeah. All right, we'll take it apart,
one by one. Is it the best you ever had?

Yes. Two, is it original?

Uh -huh. Three, when we change the name
to Uncle Sam's Stew, made by an Army

sergeant, will it be American?

We're in.

Only it's a cinch, but how are you going
to get the recipe?

It'll be child's play. Show me the chef
that can withstand flattery from a

fellow gourmet. Hey, here he comes.

Well, gentlemen, how did you like...
What is the matter with him? What is the

matter, he asks?

An angel steps down from heaven, puts on
an apron and makes a casserole for the

gods. And he says, what is the matter?

Maestro.

You really like my casserole a la
Boudreau? Like it, like it, he asked me.

like it? All my life, I've eaten in the
finest restaurants in the world. I

thought I was eating.

But until now, I was grazing like an
animal. Oh, monsieur.

At last, I found an American who
appreciates my casserole a la Boudreau.

Appreciated? Show me you are human and
not a gastronomical angel. Show me you

are human.

Show me the recipe.

Monsieur, this is the happiest moment of
my life. I know. Write every word.

About the recipe. Yes, yes.

That I cannot give you. Right. I
cannot... You cannot give me. I am

Sorry?

Sorry? You're sorry?

You let me taste the nectar of the gods.

Now you want me to wander through life
wondering, wondering what was in it.

What was in it?

Oh, monsieur, take my dog.

Take my wife. But I cannot give you the
recipe.

Oh, please, monsieur, understand.

The recipe is a family secret handed
down from generation to generation.

So, this is the way it must end.

What must end? The spirit of friendship
between America and Europe.

Monsieur, take my life. I don't want
your life. I want the recipe.

I'm sorry.

It's impossible.

All right. All right.

Serge, we were greedy.

Yes, we were.

I'm going to level with you, Marcel.

That recipe you're worth.

$25 ,000 to you. Not even a million.
Even if my family was starving.

Even for $1 million, I would not betray
the secret of my family.

You must be crazy.

Maybe, monsieur. Maybe for generations
we have been crazy. But the recipe

remains a secret.

Say, Ernie, how do you spell secret?

Now, the minute we get into the kitchen,
that's when Doberman comes in and he

orders. What do you order, Doberman?
Repeat.

Sarge, I've said it a million times.
Repeat. What do you order?

Casserole a la Boudreau, okay?

Fine. Now, the minute he starts to make
it, it's in your hands. Now, look,

Rupert, are you sure you can watch him
and remember every move he makes?

Oh, don't worry about me. I got a
photographic mind.

I'm not worried about your photographic
mind. I'm wondering if there's film in

the camera.

Come on, we gotta go.

Just a G .I. who dropped in for a meal.
You don't know for anything. And what do

you order?

Sarge! What do you order?

Casserole a la Boudreau.

Boom. Come on.

Military sanitation inspection.

Military sanitation. Military sanitation
inspection.

I do not understand. Oh, just a mere
formality. Since you do have American

soldiers eating here, we must be careful
of the cleanliness. Your hand.

Leave. Yes. Oh.

What a coincidence. There's an American
soldier now.

What would it be?

Armadix. Armadix.

Hold. Hold. Just a minute.

I think that man's in the seat.

Are you out on orders?

Yes, sir.

Do you remember your orders?

Orders? Oh, casserole. Wait a minute.

He's all right. Take his order.

Yes, the kitchen doesn't... Casserole à
la boudreau.

Casserole à la boudreau.

Watch his right hand. You watch his left
hand. I'll watch the ingredients.

Got to be careful. Sometimes they're
French.

Is that all there is to it?

Gentlemen, you now know the secret of
casserole à la boudreau.

What do you do? Grow it? I make it once
a week.

Say, how do you spell week?

Well, gentlemen, how does my kitchen
stand inspection?

Oh, splendid.

You'll hear from Duncan Hines in the
morning. I'll... I'll... Come on, come

let's go.

Come on. Don't you stop us, Doritos.
Come on, when I... Don't. You can't

Well?

Yes. It looks awful under the mic. Look,
we don't care what it looks like. We're

paying you five bucks to analyze what's
in it. Well, let me look once more. Go

ahead. Now, do you see anything?

Hold it. Hold on, I think he's got
something.

Yeah, yeah. Let me check once more. Be
ready to write down anything he says.

Well, definitely.

What, what?

A carbohydrate and proteanious compound
in a semi -solid caloric state.

What does that mean in plain language?

Gravy.

I paid him five bucks to find out it's
gravy. I could have got that off

Doberman's Tide.

Charlie, why don't you taste it and find
out what's in it? Me?

Please.

You got the wrong guy. Down at the mess
hall, we call him the bird.

Please, I just can't stand food.

He comes in once a week into the mess
hall, he eats four cornflakes, and he

collapses from indigestion. All right,
all right.

Why don't you eat it, then you can tell
what's in it. Don't you guys start. For

15 years, it was my mother.

Eat, Charlie, eat.

I got into the army, the medics.
Soldier, you gotta eat.

Look, get that stuff out of here. What
are you gonna do with a mental case,

Maybe we shouldn't have bothered with it
in the first place. You may be right.

Just because we like it doesn't mean
everybody else likes it. You know, we

have developed Ritzik mouth. You know,
no taste buds.

Ooh, ooh, the bird is eating.

Huh?

Charlie, you like it?

Like it?

That's the most delicious. Look.

Where can I get some more? You've got to
tell me. Charlie, I'll get you all you

want. Just tell us what's in it. I'm
going to be fat. I'm going to be nice

fat all my life. I wanted to be fat.
Look, Charlie, I'll get you all you

Just tell us what is in it. Well, sure,
I can break it down to the last decibel.

You can write this down. All I need is
one thing. What?

The recipe.

I'm going to be fat. I've got to call my
mother.

Hey, Mark, I'm going to be fat.

Ernie, why don't you give up now?

You saw what just happened where the guy
can't even stand food? We've got a

fortune riding here.

Marcello's got to give us a recipe.

Fellas, I'm a peace -loving man, and I
hate to say this, but... Yeah?

We'll have to resort to violence.

Violence.

He's getting ready to close. You know
what to do. Yeah.

I take out the gun, I say, stick him up.
You're money or you're life. Hey, I was

supposed to say that. What difference
does it make? Well, I've been rehearsing

it all night. All right, get big and
big.

Now, look, you know what? When he comes
out, you threaten his life.

I, a passing stranger, save him from you
hoodlums.

He's a Frenchman. He's emotional. Out of
gratitude, he gives me the recipe.

Now, wait.

He's putting out the lights. You know
what to do. Right away.

Oh, mon dieu, what is it you want?

I forgot.

Oh, give me that.

Oh,

I was supposed to say that. Will you
shut up? All right, Franchi, give me

money. Spare me, I'm a poor man.

That is your life. Say a prayer. Oh,
don't shoot, please, don't shoot.

We will hit the dust.

Good heavens, what is this? Say, hold
up. You stand back or I'll give it to

too. What does it mean to me when a
fellow human being's life is in danger?

Oh, monsieur, they are killers.

Killers indeed, eh? Did you ever hear
of... Jiu -Jitsu!

Kick up your head!

What a man!

By George, it's Marcel. Sergeant, you
saved my life. Oh, forget it. How can I

ever repay you?

Well, I didn't do this for profit,
but... There is one thing you can do.

Anything, anything.

The recipe.

Casserole a la Boudreau.

The recipe?

The recipe.

Take my life.

Marcel, I don't... Oh, you saved my
life. Now it's yours to take.

Look, all I want is the recipe.

Sergeant Bilko, a Boudreau dies first.

My father gave it to me. His father gave
it to him. And his father before him.

Yeah, suppose those gangsters would have
killed you. What would happen to the

recipe then, huh?

My little son, Philippe, he has the
recipe. He would carry on.

Your little son, Philippe?

Oh, your little son knows it.

What are you doing here in the middle of
June?

He's a big boy. Have you got presents
for all of us? No, little darling, just

for one little boy. He's a...

Look, you're a big boy. Go play with the
traffic.

Last year when I went back to the North
Pole, my wife, Mrs. Sandecross, reminded

me because a new boy just moved into
Roseville, I forgot to give him

And she told me his name. His name is...
He's a phony. This little boy.

He's good with that. Yes, I think the
little boy's name was Philippe Boudreau.

Oh,

yes, I have things for you. I have
presents.

Yes?

Just for that. Everybody away.

That's you, Philip. You I must talk to.
I have for you many presents. Let me

see. Ah, you've been a good boy years, a
little tutor.

And look what I have for you. It makes
you a real American.

You like that, Philip?

Wait, I have many other presents. Look
at this. A saxophone.

I have for you a pistol.

No, look at this. For you.

What do you say?

Oh, Monsieur Santa Claus, never in my
life have I had to make presents.

I've never been so happy. How can I
thank you? How can you thank me?

He wants to know how he can thank me.
Mr. Kringle. Yes?

Oh, let me get a gun. I'll give you one.

Because you want to give me something,
and I don't want anything. But you can

give Mr. Santa Claus something,
anything.

But I have nothing to give him. Oh, you
have love in your heart?

Oui. You have a little boy's faith in
Santa Claus?

Oui. You have the recipe?

The recipe? Yeah, casserole a la
boudreau.

Take my life!

There must be a way of getting that
recipe. If you don't get it by tonight,

forget it.

Look, the contest will be over. It says
all entries must be postmarked not later

than midnight tonight.

How can a guy be so stubborn? He's going
to go broke in this town trying to run

a French restaurant. I'm offering him
$25 ,000.

Forget it, honey. He won't give you the
recipe. It's a secret.

Yeah. If you... Wait a minute.

Suppose this famous recipe of his just
turns out to be a common American army

dish. How are you going to make her
believe that?

He'll see for himself. When on a tour of
the post, he sees right on that stove

there a whole pot full of casserole a la
Boudreau, enough to feed an entire

regiment. A pot full? Who's going to
make it? The only man who can, Marcel.

Only he won't know he's doing it. I got
to make a reservation for the party

tonight. Oh, we give it a party? What's
your case?

A party for 20?

Tonight?

And they all want the casserole?

A celebration?

For who?

Oh, he was?

Sergeant Bilko, we will do our part.

Over. Marcel, a party for 20. Oui, oui.

What is it, Marcel?

It is a great occasion for them. They
are celebrating Rocky Graziano's

Marcel, who is this Rocky Graziano? How
could you be so stupid?

He was their 23rd president.

President Graziano will not only be
remembered for opening the Panama

Sergeant. Yes?

I have served everyone.

You can eat.

Oh, swell.

Now, gentlemen, we will take the oath.
The oath that... Please, this is

for citizens only. Oh, what about it?

They're gone.

Get them, get Glover and Ritzing. Okay,
boss. Look, sing loud and cover the

noise.

Hail to President Graziano!

Birth and peace and war.

Maybe if I had a little... Call it. You
heard what Belko said.

You make one move with that paprika, I
got orders to shoot.

Here we have Company B kitchen.

Sergeant Ritzick in charge. You remember
the folks? Tell us, Sergeant Ritzick.

What lunch are you cooking up for the
boys today?

Oh, nothing much.

I just slapped together something out of
the Army cookbook. Oh, the good old

Army cookbook. Oh, this must seem
privative. To an artist like you, the

live must be revolting, eh?

Oh, say, here, take a taste. Oh, no.

You wouldn't want to taste it. Let me
taste it. All right.

This is rather a joke to him, for him to
taste Army cooking. It's out of the

book, you understand.

Wait. Mama, taste this.

Taste it? Oh, did you like it? It's
rather quaint, I imagine, to you. This

it. But exactly.

Casserole à la boudreau.

My casserole. And for generations I
thought it was a family secret. Oh, no,

there must be some mistake that came out
of me. Oh, no, no, this is it exactly.

Well, you see, he just cooks out of the
army cookbook. Let's see what he cooked

today. Let me see. Oh, I almost forgot
what you can see for yourself here. It

says War Department Technical Manual.
It's a cookbook. We cannot show that to

civilians. Oh, but I want to know...

Well, I'll tell you what. Why don't you
tell me your recipe? And I'll see if it

coincides with what's written here in
the book. Fine. Right ahead.

Taking equal portions. Taking equal
portions.

Of beef.

Of beef. Lamb.

Lamb. And rabbit.

And rabbit.

Braise slowly.

Braise slowly.

For one hour. For one...

I'm following it with the pencil. It's
exactly the words, word for word.

Oh, no.

And does it say in a saucepan sauté? In
a saucepan sauté. Is that sauté with the

dash over the E? Yes. Sauté. A mixture.

A mixture. Of butter.

Of butter. Garlic.

Garlic. Crushed fraise de bois.

Crushed fraise de bois.

And bay beans.

And... Bay beans. Bay beans.

Bay... Why, it's uncanny word for... Oh,
I wish I could show you this. They

won't let us. And does it also say about
egg white? No, but it will. I mean,

what about egg white?

I don't feel bad, Marcel. It could
happen to anybody.

Oh, for centuries, my family guarded it.
And now it's in an army cookbook.

Ah, c 'est la guerre.

Oh, come now, Marcel.

Yes, I must break it gently to Philippe.

Au revoir. Au revoir. Come back any
time.

Come on, quick, quick.

We've got to work real fast. Remember,
neatness counts.

Right. I've got the letter here. Here it
is. I'll start it off by saying, I,

Rupert Ritzig. I, Rupert Ritzig.
Sergeant of the United States Army.

the United States Army. And close the
recipe for my original dish to be called

Uncle Sam's Stew. Uncle Sam's Stew.

All right.

Taking equal portions of beef.

Beef. Lamb and rabbit. Lamb and rabbit.

Braised slowly for one hour. Braised
slowly for one hour. Can I go too fast?

no. I can make it. In a saucepan, saute.

A mixture of butter, garlic, and crushed
fraise de bois.

Fraise de what?

What?

Why do you put a French name in there?
It's not an American stew anymore.

Yeah, we've got to find out what it is.
Well, look at the book. They got far

away to the book. Look at the index
here.

Index. Here it is.

Index. Index. F -F -Fricassee. Foul
food.

Page 483.

Recipe 390. Well, look up that... Here
it is. It's in this thing. Kentucky

Hunter stew.

Taking equal portions of beef, lamb, and
rabbit, braise slowly for one hour in a

saucepan. Saute a mixture of butter,
garlic... In a saucepan, saute

a mixture of butter, garlic, and... Take
equal portions of beef, lamb, rabbit...

It's exactly the same recipe.

What do you mean? It was in there all
the time? Kentucky Hunter stew?

Look at this.

This early original American dish was
created by Daniel Boone in 1804.

How do you spell Boone? Is it one or two
O's? I'm too tired to hit you.

Three zeros. That's what's going to wind
up. Well, there goes our 50 ,000. Me,

25 ,000. We're going to give Marcel 25
,000.

Poor jerk. Not only will he break his
heart...

Look at the problem he's got. He's got
to run a French restaurant in a town

this. Well, what are we going to do?

I don't know.

All this work down the drain. I don't...
Tell you what we're going to do.

Spread the word around this... Still a
great dish, isn't it? Yes. Spread the

word all over the post and town, any
place you want. For the best Kentucky

Hunter stew, drop in at the Daniel Boone
room at Marcel's Restaurant. We'll

build him a sign.

Well, how is everything?

Say, how about some more of that Daniel
Boone stew?

Coming right up, partner.

Well,

Marcel, we're here for some of that
original.

Look, I'm sorry if you didn't make a
reservation.

Marcel! Oh, don't Marcel me. Wait
outside in line with the rest.

Outside? Outside.

The minute you're a success, everybody
is your friend.

Who needs him? Come out with me. I'm
working on a new fricassee.

Do you mind?

Do you mind?

Also seen in tonight's cast were Joe E.
Ross as Sergeant Ritzy,

John Silo as Marcel Boudreau, Suzanne
Kobe as Mrs. Boudreau, and Sandy Kenyon

Charlie.