All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s02e25 Bilko Goes South

Splatoon!

18 below.

Hot water. Hot water. More hot water.
Hey,

what's going on in there?

Sergeant Bilko.

Oh, I wonder if it's going to be a boy
or a girl.

Tragedy. Tragedy. What's wrong?

Our sergeant has the sniffles. If this
news reaches Moscow, they may attack

tomorrow.

Shame on you. We lost sergeant in there
with the medical officer.

Doctor, tell me everything. Don't spare
me. I won't.

Here, serge.

Is that you, Dwayne? Give me your hand.

It's growing dark in here.

I'll raise a shake, can't you?

Tell me everything, Doctor. What if I
can't? I'll tell you what you've got.

You've got what you get every winter. An
insane desire to go to Florida.

Florida? You mean my emergency furlough?
It's out of the question. You're going

to stay here.

Oh, then this, then, is the thanks I get
for the years of service to my country.

Bilko, we all serve our country. But we
serve it here, not in Florida.

But, sir, I... Bilko, you're staying
here. But, my God.

Sarge, Sarge, why don't you appeal to
the client? Quiet, forget it.

Captain is right. I've got to stop
thinking of sunshine and beaches.

This is my post.

I'm a soldier on duty in here.

Here is... It's 20 below.

Take it easy.

Well,

it's one thing you've got to say about
Fort Baxter. No matter how hot it is in

the summer, in the winter, it's
unbearable.

It's hard to forget about it. But I'll
tell you, look at the travel ads in this

holiday magazine. They drive anybody
nuts. I don't want to hear about it.

at this one, Sarge.

Tropical sunshine.

Stop it. I don't want to hear about it.

Balmy breezes whispering through the
palms, saying... What? What? What are

balmy breezes saying? What? They're
saying, come to the Apex Travel Agency,

headquarters for Caribbean cruises.
Caribbean cruises.

Look at this, Edson. Let me see it. Let
me see it. Now you too can afford

fabulous, enchanting Monte Carlo.

Let yourself go on a dashing adventure
into a new world of old world romance.

Oh, Raul.

Gina.

to see us here in romantic Monte Carlo,
whisked across the Atlantic by plane at

such low rates.

How on earth do Musselman Airlines do
it?

By smart operation, Gina.

Musselman has eliminated all unnecessary
personnel, such as co -pilots,

stewardesses, experienced mechanics, and
they've passed that saving on to you.

And have you ever had a smoother ride
than on Musselman's luxury airliners? By

George, Gina.

Those one -engine planes are sturdy.

And we could see everything, thanks to
the ingenious seating arrangements.

Open cockpits.

And here we are, in romantic Monte
Carlo.

Gina! Oh, Raoul!

Gina!

Gina! Gina!

Don't get out of here. Sarge, you've got
to stop thinking about these things.

Yeah, Sarge. The medical officer, the
colonel, the post commander, they're all

united this winter to keep you from
going south.

Why? Why?

You think I was going to give military
secrets to Jefferson Davis?

What do they want? Hold on, Will.

Oh, you know, if you close your eyes,
you can just picture you're in a

barracks holding your hands over a lousy
heater.

I've got to get to Florida.

Sarge, why don't you just forget about
it? Forget about it? Sure, it's easy for

you. You've never been to Florida, have
you? No, but the guys in the 2nd Platoon

Company A, they all went to Miami last
year. Just about this time of year, too.

To Florida?

Yeah, well, you know, every year they
have that all -army singing contest that

they run. That's right, Ernie. They send
the best platoon from each camp down to

Miami for the finals. Hey, Sarge, maybe
we... Forget it. Have you ever heard

this platoon sing?

Or even in assemblies, the colonel has
stopped them from singing the Star

Spangled Banner.

He says it makes the song sound
subversive.

Forget it. We got no chance. That's
right. What chance would we have? The

chance we'd ever have of winning a
singing contest is if we were the only

in it.

Hold that. What did you say?

I said the only ones in it.

If we were the only ones in it.

Why not? But, Sarge, every platoon's
going to sign. Sign? What are they going

sign? An entry blank, what?

Suppose there's only one entry blank,
and we're the only ones that got one,

we're the only ones that signed it.

Why not?

Thunder! On a double look at ice,
thunder here, thunder here!

Why don't you go open a loss for duty in
the mail room? The mail room? Yeah.

Now, a few weeks from Washington,
there's going to be these entry blanks

through. Before they have a chance to
distribute them, take them all. Don't

anybody see them. Bring them to me.

Sarge, that's stealing.

You're right.

That is stealing.

But when it's 20 below.

And with the whole platoon having a
chance to go to Florida, what do we do?

steal. There's a good boy.

Not

too

close, Colonel. Those mosquitoes are
killers.

I've seen enough.

I must say they gave me a chill. They
should. You're looking at death. The

Anilosphenecti mosquitoes.

Carriers of the 100 % fatal Caledonia
fungus fever. 100 % fatal? On every

we tested, death came in seconds.

Take her away, Jenkins.

Gentlemen, you finally succeeded in
isolating the fungus fever carrier.

Congratulations. I'll make the
announcement. Not yet, sir. Not yet? No,

we've tested human beings, everything
we've done is worthless.

Colonel, you must get us a group of
soldiers. Soldiers? No, that's asking

much. Colonel, what's that? It was only
when the great Walter Reed tested the

deadly yellowjack mosquito on soldiers
that yellow fever was wiped out. You

get us some army volunteers.

Volunteers? How can you ask soldiers to
make a sacrifice as great as that?

Colonel, that's the story of medicine.
The sacrifice of a few to protect

millions. Well, I can only ask
volunteers.

Lieutenant? Yes, sir? I want a request
for volunteers.

make it in the form of an application
start with a clear statement of the

and rush the applications to every post
in the united states army yes sir

gentlemen we can only hope that
somewhere there are american soldiers

enough to make the final sacrifice

May I remind you, gentlemen, this is a
singing contest we're entering, not a

hard -calling festival.

Sarge, what are we knocking ourselves
out for? If we're the only ones in this

camp that are going to enter the
contest, what have you got to worry

have we got to worry about?

We're not going to pick winners. We've
got to make an attempt at singing, don't

we? Now, look at I.

Do what I tell you. I got him. I got
him.

Wait a minute. The application?

Yeah. Now, look, Sarge, I got him from
Washington.

Let me worry about it. Give one to the
boys here. I'll burn a lot of them. You

get rid of the rest. Sign.

Sign that, fellas. You know what that
means?

That means we're going to Miami, boys.
Just sign it. Do what the old sergeant

tells you to do. Sign it.

Goldman. Did you sign? Yeah. What are
you standing there for? Pack my bikini,

blow up my beach ball.

Sign it, gentlemen. I ain't signing
anything till I read it. There's a lot

writing here on the top. There's one in
every post, isn't there? Just read the

bottom, that's all. What does it say?

Should any of the men above be selected,
they have to be sent at once to Miami,

Florida. Well? Well, I'm signing it.

Go on, then. Yeah, right, sir.

Take this over to the administration.

Put it in so nobody sees it. All right,
boys. Now, look.

For once, our plans have come to the way
we want. Now, let's practice so we'll

make it look good at least. Now.

We're heading for the last round.

Write your words and let me hear the
diction.

On a saddle all came for the last time
and rock.

boy is heavenly heavenly he opens his
mouth and the angelus comes through

sweet

Yes, hello.

Yes, get me Colonel Wister of the Army
Medical Corps, Tropical Disease

Laboratory, Miami, Florida.

Bilko. How I've misjudged him.

Hello. Hello, yes, this is a priority.

What's that?

You're sure?

A whole platoon.

Captain, get this down.

Port Baxter, Kansas. Sergeant Ernest
Bilko.

Yes, Captain, I'm flying immediately.
Get them.

A motor pool platoon at an unimportant
post in Kansas.

Gentlemen. I'm proud to be in the same
army with him. I'll get you packed, sir.

I'll get the mosquito ready.

Now, remember, gentlemen, from the top
that I want it, Acapulco.

Understand?

We're heading for the last round. Don't
fight your birds. Don't the men. Don't

have low pain for the last time and
rise.

Hold me back. I can't keep my hands off
this boy.

It's time you're killed.

What is it? A strange officer's coming.
This is the officer that comes to pick

the winner.

I wonder who the winner will be.

Don't give it away. Whatever you do,
don't break up. Play it safe.

All right, there's a drilling exercise,
gentlemen.

Attention!

At ease, men.

Thank you, sir.

Are you Sergeant Belko? Yes, sir. Is
there anything I can do for you, sir?

Sergeant, are these the fucking trees of
you and your men?

Yes, sir, I believe it is.

Yes, sir.

Do you realize that out of thousands of
soldiers, you are the only men who've

signed this application?

Oh, indeed.

Well, think of that.

I'm going to ask you not to do that.

What? Besides, the boys are in a jovial
mood. Oh, yes, sir. We figured we'd sign

up. After all, we know we have very
little chance of surviving the big test.

as we say in the army, what a kismet.

It's him. He's the jovial one of the
group. Dolman is always making... It's

incredible. You can still laugh.

Well, I suppose you meant to want a few
days to say goodbye to your fellow

soldiers on the post. Not necessarily,
sir. We just thought we'd slip off into

the night just like that.

Just like that.

I'm going to ask you... I'm sorry about
the men, sir. They're so glad to see an

officer, sir. I don't want to take you
and your men to Miami

unless you're sure that...

Bet you've prepared yourself.

Why, sir, we're fully prepared, as we
can well show you. All right, gentlemen.

We're heading for the land of the sun.

We're heading for the land of the sun.
So

we have another chorus, sir.

Jacobin, I salute you.

broke up myself.

Gentlemen, I salute you.

Hey, Sarge, Sarge, I don't like it. Why
don't you like it? Well, destroying the

application so the other platoons on the
post couldn't do that. Oh, isn't it too

bad about the other platoons? Ritzig and
his kitchen platoon just came back from

sunny California for a cook and bake a
refresher course, didn't they? How about

Grover? Did he spend a whole month of
September with his whole platoon? They

were down there doing the signal cord
drill in Texas where it's warm.

We're the only platoon on the post that
hasn't been down south.

Let me tell you something, fellas.
Whatever we got waiting for us in Miami,

got coming.

It's all arranged, Colonel.

They're here?

Until the test tomorrow morning, we're
putting them up at the Thunderbird,

Miami's most luxurious motel.

That's right, sir. The Pentagon says
that they have anything they want.

Yes, sir.

Fine. This is perfect.

Now, Mr. Pollock, remember, this is the
men's last 24 hours. Anything they want,

I understand.

Never mind the expense. Just send the
bill. There will be no bill, Colonel,

what these gallant boys are doing.

Mr. Pollock, we must be as brave as they
are.

I know it's just that... I understand.

Dr. Milko, will you come in? Yes, sir.

Wow.

Now, how do you like it?

Really wonderful, sir. Colonel, may I
thank you for taking time out from your

busy schedule to show us all these
wonderful, fabulous motels? And also, if

may go back to our barracks. Your
barracks? Yes, sir. I have to make a few

calls. Some old college chums are
waiting to hear from me. You can have...

Sergeant, you men are staying here.

Here? That's right. You have this whole
wing. We'll... We'll pick you up in the

morning.

Have a good time.

You must admit, this is living.

I'm hungry.

Hey, let's order something. Hold it,
hold it. Wait a minute. Just because by

accident we got this big pipe dream,
let's not push our luck. I mean, don't

advantage. You just don't lift the floor
and say, give me room, sir.

Send me up some caviar, some roast
takies, some peasants, and a blonde, a

brunette, and a couple of wrenches.

Hey, what are we wasting time for? The
Miami sun is waiting.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

Hold it.

Gentlemen,

we've just got a few hours to do this,
and let's have all the fun we can. But

we'll do it in an orderly fashion.

Who's for water skiing?

Right here, sir. Who wants deep sea
fishing? Right here, sir. You are

to get the temperature of the water. I
want no children.

What is this, sir?

This is what you ordered from room
service. Oh, we were just kidding. This

girls.

What we've always dreamed about.

Yeah, thank you.

I can't help but feel there's some
mistake here, sir. Sergeant, the Army

orders to give you anything you want.

The Army?

Our Army?

The United States Army?

That's right.

They must have approved a new military
budget.

Will there be anything else?

Well, sir, there's something wrong here.

No, Sergeant, the Thunderbird is at your
disposal.

When I told these guests that you were
here, they insisted on doing their part

to make your 24 hours with us the
happiest of your life. They did?

Get into your bathing suits, boys.

We'll meet you at the pool with the rest
of the girls. Ta -ta.

Ta -ta.

Remember, boys, anything you want, just
ask. Just ask?

I want the blunt. I want the brunette. I
want the drumstick.

Sir, now, once and for all, there is
something wrong here. Absolutely nothing

wrong, Sergeant.

Oh, come on. What are you talking about?
I can't help but think of this.

What if you fellas insist? All right.
Like the saying goes, let's eat, drink,

and be merry, for tomorrow we die.

What's the matter with him? What's the
matter with him? You'd cry too if you

were in a beautiful motel like this and
a bunch of sloths came in and messed it

up. And may I ask what we're standing
around for?

Let's mess it up.

We'll be in the control room next door.

We'll feed the mosquitoes through this
aperture.

And the man will just stand here like
sheep.

I'm sorry, sir, but I've been with them
and they're so cheerful.

Why, only actually, they swam and danced
and sang.

It's so cold -blooded. They're soldiers.
They know what they're doing.

Let's try to act like soldiers, too,
about this. Yes, sir. A camera will film

their reactions.

This microphone will pick up any sound
they may make when... Never mind.

Let's get it over with.

Sergeant Milko.

This way, men. Come on, then.

Are you ready for us, sir?

Yes, Sergeant.

Colonel, sir, I may never see you again.

And so, on behalf of the men...

I would like to thank you for making the
last 24 hours the most pleasant we've

ever witnessed.

Good luck.

All right, fellows. This microphone is
going to pick up every word we say. Do

you understand? I want it nice and clear
and everything's enunciated. Let's be

proud of ourselves.

We're ready, sir. Anytime you are, sir.

And five.

This is it.

You know what to do, Jenkins.

Yes, sir. One mosquito at a time. Good.

We're starting, Sergeant.

All right, sir. Testing. One, two,
three, four. Hello, Max. Hello, Max.

Are we coming through all right, sir?

Fine. Fine.

Stand by, Jenkins.

This is it. First specimen entering
chamber, 0951.

Pull it!

We're heading for the last round of...
General Jenkins, pull it!

It was all right, sir, until they began
singing, but I can't...

That's ridiculous.

Here, I'll do it.

I can't.

Why must they save?

How brave can you be?

Something wrong, sir?

Is there anything wrong?

Listen to that brave man.

What do we do now?

General. What's the matter down here?
Why aren't you going ahead on schedule?

They're so brave, General.

Shame on you men. Don't you realize that
by prolonging it like this, you're just

making them suffer? Give me that
microphone.

I'm sorry, boys. We'll have to start the
test again.

All right, sir. We're at your disposal.
We have no future plans.

Thank you.

We'll get started.

All right, I'll do it. What do I do?
Just pull that rope, sir. It raises the

door. Officers in the United States
Army. We're taking it again, men. We're

ready. Here goes.

We're heading for the last roundup.

Pull it, sir.

I can't.

I can't. I must sing.

Would you deny them the right to face
death with a song, sir?

Men, I've been through two wars. I've
seen courage and bravery.

Don't do it, sir.

No.

Here goes.

Stand along, little doggy, stand along,
little doggy. Hold it, hold it.

Thank you, Mosquito. It was a natural

instinct.

We were just going to...

Excuse me, men. Is there something
wrong, sir? No, no. How are we doing,

are doing fine, fine. Thank you, sir.
Just stay right where you are and

as you were.

Oh, and, uh, sergeant. Yes, sir?

Don't kill the mosquitoes.

What's that? Don't kill the mosquitoes?
What's that?

Don't kill the mosquitoes.

We don't ask any questions so far.

We've been having a ball. You don't want
us to kill the mosquitoes. We don't

kill them.

Okay, we're sending them all out.

Don't kill the mosquitoes.

They're fighting.

They're fighting.

There goes the first one.

It's horrible. It's a slaughter.

Well, something's wrong, sir. They
should all have been stricken by now,

only one.

Well, give us one to work on. It may
give us the answer.

Anything new on Private Doberman? He's
still alive, but... Oh, no, he's grown.

It's inhuman, sir. It's inhuman. It was
for science, Colonel.

How did the rest of them feel?

Strangely enough, they seemed
disappointed.

They claimed they weren't given a chance
to finish their song.

Such brave men.

Here, Captain Howard.

Well, Captain?

Is it over?

Doberman is gone?

You've saved him?

Well, that's miraculous.

What did you give him? A tablespoon of
bicarbonate of soda.

Bicarbonate? In all my years in the
army, that's the worst case of

I've ever seen.

Indigestion? We check with the motel. In
24 hours, that man in there ate three

turkeys, two hams, and both... That's
enough!

What happened?

Weren't the men stung? Oh, yes.

After that, we found the mosquito we
developed has no effect on the human

No matter what, their courage will be
recognized.

Do you have a ball? Do you have a ball?

Sarge, what a trip that was. Hey, Sarge,
how's my tan?

Hey, listen, one thing I forgot to tell
you. What we did, burning those

applications, that's federal stuff.

Not a word of... Look out! There's brass
coming!

They found her!

Not a word.

Hey, Sarge!

General Owen would like to speak to you
and your men. General, I'd like to

explain. It was cold. That's why I
burned it. Sergeant, take your place at

front of your men.

Yes, sir.

Trouble? By an act of Congress... Act of
Congress.

Federal rap.

Please, Sergeant.

By an act of Congress, the citation of
valor has been awarded to you and your

platoon. To us, sir? Yes.

What did you do? Did you do anything? By
signing an application.

Who signed? What is it? Thus,
volunteering to remain in a room filled

mosquitoes. Mosquitoes? I told you to
let it... Carrying the fatal fungus

disease.

And allowing yourself to be bitten by
same in which death was a certainty.

And yet in the face of this danger, your
bravery, your valor, your willingness

to sacrifice your lives for the cause of
medical science, I hereby present you

with this medal of valor.

Also seen in tonight's show were Jay
Barney as Colonel Wister, Bob Lieb as

Captain Haver, John Griggs as Captain
Billings, Nelson Olmsted as Captain

Hedges, and John Boroff as General
Owens. Tina Louise played the girl in

Monte Carlo ad.