All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s02e22 The Son of Bilko

I do not!

What are we going to do? Spend the whole
night here in the lobby waiting for him

to get a date. He'll get a date. It's
just that he hasn't been in New York in

such a long time.

Hello, Zelda.

This is Danny Bilko. Yes, I'm in town
with some friends. We have a reservation

at the Latin Quarter. I thought you'd
like to join us for a little dancing.

Is that whatever comes later?

I thought you would like... Hello.

Hello.

She couldn't make it? That was her
husband.

Look at that list. There must be
somebody I forgot. Look, if you can't

date... I can't get a date? You must be
kidding.

I can't get a date. May I point out to
you I'm just a little more

than my friends here? Yes.

Yes, I don't just throw myself at it.
Hello there.

You don't think I'm going to grab the
first girl and go, hello, how are you?

You better go along without me. Oh, but
Ernie, we came together. Look, what's so

terrible? I'll go to my room at the Y,
I'll read a book, I'll look at some

television, then I'll throw myself out
the window. Oh, come on. What do you

from me?

Ernie! Hello there.

Oh, Ernie, how are you? How are you?

You don't remember me. Of course, you're
Harvey Mess.

How are you, Ernie Philco? I haven't
seen you in years. What are you doing

I'm in the Navy. What am I doing?

This is my friend, Corporal Barbello.
This is Corporal Henshaw. And of course,

you know, Jane Mansfield and Miss Helen
Hayes.

Oh, same old thing. Very big in that
business.

Very big. What a funny coincidence.
Guess who I bumped into yesterday?

Who? Peggy LaSalle.

Peggy? Oh, you gotta remember her, the
showgirl with the follies. You know, she

was so nuts about you. Peggy LaSalle?
Yeah. That beautiful? Yeah. Did she

remember me? Remember you? You're all
she talked about. She's trying to get in

touch with you. No kidding. Really, she
gave me your phone number. You've got a

little card like this. Is this it,
Harvey?

Is this the card I'm getting?

Look, I've got to run along now, Ernie.
Why don't you give me a ring sometime?

Yeah, I'll call. Where can I get in
touch with you? Same old place. Same old

place. I'll see you.

Can't get a date, huh?

Can't get a date. Are you kidding?

Oh, wait till you see this girl.

Peggy LaSalle. Remember her now.

A rare beauty.

Hensher, this dame is the most.

I'm sure.

And she makes you look like a boy. Wait
till you see her.

Did she really build that?

I'll never forget her. When she used to
walk in that runway, the follies and the

spots would hit those spangles and make
shimmies and... Hello.

Hello.

Hello, Peggy.

Yes, who's calling?

This is your lucky day, baby. This is
the most fascinating man in town. Mr.

Wonderful is here.

Oh, I...

Right away. Right away. Look, control
yourself.

My mama's here.

Come in.

Ta -da! I'm here, you lucky girl.

Oh, no.

Oh, are you... Don't speak.

You're beautiful.

You're even more beautiful than you were
in the folly.

Ernie Bilko? Yes.

Mother! Mother? My mother.

You haven't changed a bit.

Oh, there's my date pump. Oh, have a
good time. Oh, Ernie, remember our first

date. When you took me through Central
Park in that handsome cab at 3 o 'clock

in the morning. Oh, you dog.

Peggy, please.

Oh, you're still angelic, Ernie.

Peggy, Peg.

Peggy, honey, there's a gentleman here,
Peggy. Oh, Ernie, this is my husband,

Bill. How do you do?

So you're Ernie Bilko.

Don't mind me. This does my heart good.
I think you should see more of her, old

friend. I was just an acquaintance. I
really got to run along. Oh, no. Run

along? Not before we have a talk. Talk?
Yes. Why do you think I've been looking

all over for you? There's something
we've got to discuss.

Discuss? I haven't seen you in 18 years.
What is that? Hi, Mom.

Oh, Ernie, this is my son.

Jeff, this is Ernie Bilko. How do you
do, sir? Is this your boy?

Yes. Nice -looking kid.

what I want to talk to you about.

What? Why would you want to talk to me
about him?

Here, let's sit down and discuss the
whole thing. Sit down and talk about it?

Now to be civilized about it. We've got
to reach a decision about Jeff. And

you're the only one who can tell us.
What can I tell you? What have I to

Ernie, Jeff is 17.

17? Let's get right to the point.

Hey, what year was it I met you in the
folly? 39.

Now here's the situation.

He's out of high school.

And now he wants to enlist in the army.
And you're the only one who can advise

us what to do. Look, if I met you in
39... What?

Oh, you want me to advise you about him
in the army?

Oh, let's discuss it.

Oh, he's a fine looking boy. He's got
your chin. He's your boy. You can't deny

it. What should he do?

We think he should start college. He's
got your eyes. He's the spitting

He's your boy. He always wanted to be a
soldier. Tell him. Oh, is that what this

is about?

Look, son, I better tell you now. Army
life is not a vacation, you know.

It's KP, 20 -mile hikes, open -air bid
-backs. Of course, I just know this from

hearsay. It's the phase of the Army
life. I never bought it.

Oh, don't kid me, Sergeant. Look at
those campaign ribbons. Oh, that's in

past. Gee, Dad, look at this one. Tell
me about this one, Sergeant. The bronze

star, this one. Oh, this one? I got that
in the Marianas. You see, single

-handedly, I charge a Japanese pillbox.
Gee. You see, I lost my glasses. I

thought it was a PX.

Oh, now no more talking. We'll have to
dinner. James, you go wash up. Oh, Mom,

don't... Ernie will be right here when
you get back. Now, get washed up. Now,

you heard your COT. Right about feet.

17.

Oh, Ernie, he sure took a shine to you.

Yes, he's 17. I married Bill the year
you went into the Army.

That was 18 years ago.

You mean if I'd have got married at that
time, I'd have a boy that age today,

wouldn't I?

kid. He showed me his report card.
Straight A's. Hey, I got his picture

We've seen him. We've seen him.

Any of you flipped? You had one day left
on your furlough. What did you do? You

took that kid to the ball game, to the
movies, bowling. So what?

So what do you got planned for your next
furlough? A father and son banquet?

All right, stop with the wisecracks,
wise guys.

You know, if I'd have gotten married 18
years ago, I'd have had a boy that age

today. You married?

Dad is tired.

You better get his pipe and slippers.

Look, I'm one of both of you. Don't
start grizzling me. Don't start with the

grizzly. If you can't have an
intelligent conversation, don't talk to

right. That's wrong if I had a kid that
age with all I know with me to guide

him. He'd be a well -beater. The
president of the United States. All

right. Get some shut -eye. You're too
clever for me today.

ladies and gentlemen, the President of
the United States.

Hello, Americans.

Glad to see you.

As a tribute to my father, I have just
legalized gambling.

Places and measurements. Plenty of time
for that tonight. Come on, it's way past

lights out. We're not on a holiday.
We've got a big day tomorrow.

Who's the kid? Just a kid. Did you call
my wife up when you were in New York?

Yeah. What's he doing here? Oh, he's
been trashing here on approval.

Here, I fixed up his papers. Just sign
him and get rid of him.

My mother -in -law's still at the house.
Yeah, well, look, if he's transferred

here, why do you want to get rid of him?

Serge. What? That's the one thing you
can't stand.

Kids in the barracks. What's with you,
Fender? Always trying to get rid of

people. Why? Me?

You're the guy that's always saying, who
needs kids?

They got no money to bring mumps and
measles into the barracks.

That's what this barracks needs. There's
a little youth in it that you want to

know something.

Sarge, not this kid.

What do you mean?

Troublemaker. Yeah? Look at his record.

He's been in the army six months. He's
been transferred 14 times.

Looks like a nice kid. I don't
understand.

Sarge, 14 transfers. Look, let me handle
it. I know how to handle kids.

Perkins. On a double. Yes, sir. How old
are you?

18, sir.

18. Get in my office. I want to talk to
you. On a double.

Is that all you've got to do around
here, grin? What? What do I have?

What's with you, kid?

You've been in the army six months.
You've been transferred 14 times. What,

you want a treasure hunt?

What's with you? Can't you get along
with your fellow soldiers?

People just don't seem to like me.

I'm too quiet, I guess.

If only I had somebody to guide me.

Guide you?

Yeah. You see, I never had a father.

You didn't?

Someone who could be a pal.

A pal?

Oh, well.

Maybe there'll be someone at the next
camp. Hey, hey, where are you going?

You're staying right here.

You mean, Sarge? Now, look, don't think
I went soft on you. This is going to be

no breeze. You're going to work as hard
as anybody else here. Do you understand

that? I'm appointing you barracks
orderly. Now, get into the barracks and

bunk and nestle down for the night. Yes,
sir. Come on. It's way past lights out.

Good night, Sarge. Good night.

Son?

Hello there.

Oh, I'm never good with kids in the
back.

Where's that other picture at?

All right.

Come in.

Excuse me, Sergeant.

Now what?

Well, there's no cop for me in the
barracks room. No cop? Maybe you should

registered at the Waldorf Astoria.

Now, look, just because I went a little
soft and I'm letting you stay here,

don't think this is a breeze, you
understand? You haven't got it made.

Now, come on, look alive.

Well, as long as you're in here, you
might as well settle down here. Come on,

find a place for yourself here. Thanks,
Sergeant.

Here, here. What are you doing?

Oh, I'm going to make room here so I can
lay down right on the floor. Lay down

on the floor. You can see you're 18
years old. You haven't got a brain in

head. On the floor, you'll catch your
death of cold.

Come on, take my bun right away. But
what about you, sir? What are you going

do? Do what I tell you.

I slept on a train. I won't be able to
sleep tonight anyway. Come on, I'm a

double. I haven't got all my... But,
sir, do as you're told.

Now, look.

You're no better than anybody else,
honey. You're not going to be babies. Do

understand? Yes, sir.

Did you brush your teeth? Yes, sir.

Did you say your prayers?

Yes, sir, in the barracks. Well,
congratulations. At least you thought of

something. Gee, sir, I... Now, look, I
don't like kids jabbering around here.

Go to sleep.

Kids. Noisy kids. Always bothering you.

Like a kid who's asleep already.

Did you do that?

Kid's got a sense of humor. Come on.
That's not funny. Yeah, it was very

Come on. Take it. You're all right.

Crazy kid.

Go on, then.

Hello?

Henshaw? Where is everybody?

They should be back from town. I don't
know, Sarge. I've been working here all

day, and I've just finished up in the
bed. Good boy. Now, clean the latrine.

Now, you're a good boy. Do everything
nice. Nice and clean.

I'm dead.

Oh, I just do it.

I'm dead.

What? What is it?

What?

What's going on here? It's the size of
my feet.

Where have you guys been?

Where have we been? We've been on a 20
-mile hike. That's where we've been. 20

-mile hike? Are you out of your mind? I
didn't authorize any 20 -mile hike. Sure

you did. Right here with fulfilled
equipment.

What are you talking about?

Who signed my name? Is this some kind of
a crazy joke?

Hey, did I sign your name right?

Did you do this? Yeah.

Kill him! Kill him!

What's the matter with you guys? This
kid's full of fun.

And you fell for it. It was fun. Yeah.
So much fun you're having. Come on.

Take it in good... You bad boy.

Come on, fellas. Come on.

Take it in good spirits. He's only a
kid. He's having some fun with you.

get rid of him, Si. Now, look. That's no
attitude.

He's the best barracks order he ever
had. Now, I'll leave it to you. Did you

ever have your bed made better than he's
been making it? Now, tell the truth.

Well, we'll give him credit for that.
All right. Now, go on. We have a general

inspection this afternoon. Hit the sack.

Crazy little kid.

You crazy little kid. Now, remember, no
more gags.

Remember, you promised Uncle Ernie.

Now, look, there's going to be a general
inspection.

I'll be there. I'm going to take a
little nap. The minute the general gets

you wake me. Can I depend upon you?
Don't worry, Ernie. Wait a minute.

Okay, go ahead.

Crazy little kid.

Remember, you guys, General Billings is
tough. I want everyone to look GI. Watch

it. Stand up.

Stand up.

The motor pool platoon, General.

Nice looking men.

Why don't you call... Take him!

Can I

show the General around the post, sir?

No, thank you, Sergeant.

I've seen enough.

Let's get out of here.

What is it? Something funny?

Something the kid did?

What is it, Ginger? Tell me what he did.
You've got to get rid of him. Get rid

of him? Are you crazy? It's the only fun
we've had here since he's been out of

town.

What did he do? What did he do?

What did he do? Tell me what he did.

My little rat. Get rid of him. Get him
out of here. I'll kill him. Come

on, Sergeant. Say you signed it. Signed
it. You better.

Besides, it's a good thing we're getting
rid of him. Look what he had in his

barracks bag.

Exploding cigars. Itching powder.

You like that little phony kid? He
convinced me he was an orphan. The other

sergeants didn't understand. Hey, hey.
Get a load of this. What's that? What is

that?

That's a .45.

What is it?

Wait a minute. What is it? How do you
like that little cat? He's got it rigged

up. It's a water pistol.

Water pistol? It's a real .45 converted
into a water pistol.

Let's get rid of this character.

So I get to get rid of him? No.

That's too good for him. That's what the
other guy did. It was too easy to get

rid of him.

Likes practical jokes, huh?

We'll give him a lesson he'll never
forget. What do you mean? He's going to

think he killed a man. Killed someone?
Yeah. He's got a .45 and put it into a

water pistol.

I'll switch. I'll give him a .45 with
blanks in it. Get him into a fight. Hey,

that sounds great.

Wait a minute. He's got to think he
killed somebody. Who's he going to kill?

Why does it always have to be me? I'll
look, Doberman. I'll die. I'll die. Of

course you will. And make it look good.
Here's what we do.

Oh, gee, Sarge, I'm sorry about that.
Don't be, Sarge. It was a funny gag.

ready to put the eye on us. He's not
mad.

How do you think of all those... Hey,
look.

Doberman is sleeping in my bunk.

Let's do something to him. Let's play a
joke on him. How about a hot foot?

Yeah! Hey, you know another thing about
Doberman? He's deadly afraid of guns.

Afraid of guns? Yeah.

I got a Regulation 45. I converted it
into a water pistol. A water pistol?

Now, here's what we do. We get him mad,
see? Then I pretend I lose my temper,

and then I let him have it.

Instead of a bullet, water!

Hey, that's great! I'll go get it. Wait,
no, no. I'd better go and see if he's

asleep. I'll call you.

You got everything? Yes. You got the
blood? Right. All right, shoot. Fine.

That's it. Fine. You got the blanks? All
set, Josh. Right.

Ah!

Why don't you punch me right in the
nose? Let him come. Let him come.

I'm not afraid of the fat slob. We
called you a fat slob. A fat slob? Hey,

what are you pointing that gun at me
for?

Shark! He snatched!

You're nuts, huh?

Shark!

Shark! Hank!

Toby!

What did you do?

You shot him! That's a real gun! That's
my gun!

What do we do?

Sarge. Look at Doberman. Sarge, I'll get
a doctor. Wait a minute.

Too late.

But it was only a joke.

Some joke.

Doberman's not laughing.

Look, we've got to cover for the kid.
Sarge, Sarge, he's a murderer.

He deserves the chair.

I know.

Well, will that bring back the dear
departed Doberman?

Listen, just the three of us know. We've
got to cover for him.

I'll tell you why we do as much as I
hate to. We've got to do it.

One life is better than two.

Take Doberman, put him in the rifle
pits. It'll look like a rifle accident

Target practice. You understand?

Yeah. And you, be quiet.

I'll see if the coast is clear.

Come on. Nobody's seen him. Come on.

What are you taking a rifle for? In case
anybody sees us, we're up at night

target practice.

Thinking all the time. Thinking.

Doc, handsh... Oh, it's you.

Anybody see a kid?

Did you get rid of Doberman?

And Rocco and Henshaw, too.

What do you mean, Rocco and Henshaw? The
two shots.

The only witnesses.

Right.

You shot Rocco and Henshaw?

You couldn't. You couldn't. But after
you kill one man, it's easy the next

Well, you must be nuts.

It was only a joke we were playing on
you. A joke?

Well, they're not laughing, Ernie.

Hey, I'd better get up. Maybe I can
help. No, no, no. You stay right here.

do you mean, stay here? They may be
bleeding to death.

Ernie, please, don't.

It's so easy.

Yes, I won't do anything. Just go out
there like nothing happened. Like

happened. Like nothing happened.

I'll go headshot. Like nothing happened.

Help! Help!

Help! Help!

He's crazy.

He's a psychopath.

He killed a guy. He's a psychopath. I'm
not a psychopath.

What's the matter? He shot Rocco in the
headshot. It was just a joke. What?

You all right? Yeah. He just shot me in
the ass for laughs.

For laughs?

It was just for laughs and you fell for
it.

All you think I fell, I was just ripping
it.

Feel better, Sarge? I'll feel all right
when I know that kid's out of here and

gone.

Well, did you put him on a train? Yes,
Sarge. Did you watch him? Until it was

out of sight. Good. Now I can get some
rest. I don't want any characters like

that. Go on, fellas. I want to hit the
sack. All right, Sarge.

I don't know what... Hey.

What's this?

It's got a letter with it.

You know something about this? No.

From the kid.

Dear Sergeant Bilko, if I live to be a
thousand years, I'll never forget the

kindness and consideration you showed
me.

You're the closest thing to a father I
ever had.

When my own dear daddy died, he left me
this old music box.

It's the only thing of value I have, but
I want you to have it.

Daddy's music box, huh?

Slash, don't open it!

What's the matter with you guys?

Now, you see?

How suspicious can you be?

Just because a kid does a couple of
wrong things, you want to condemn him

everything. Hey, Sarge, that's
beautiful. Look at that.

That's a rare old piece. Yeah.

How do you like that? It was his own
daddy's and he wanted me to have it.

The only thing of value he had.

Fellas, you mind if I'm alone for a
minute? Sure, we understand, Sarge.

How do you like a kid like that?

What happened?

The kid left him a music box that his
father gave him. Oh, no.

Listen, listen, listen.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Rob
Kilgallen as Perkins, Colette Lyons as

Peggy LaSalle, and Joe Silver as Harvey
Metz.