All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s02e21 Bilkos Television Idea

Gee, Dagmar, how did you know it was my
birthday?

You certainly put enough signs around my
dressing room.

Oh, well, do you have a present for me?
Yes, I have, Mr. Bickford. Well, give it

to me. Do you really want to get it? Do
I really want to get it? Give it to me.

Give it to me.

All right.

How do they think of things like that?

If you like this account of these two
idiots, you've got to sit through this

every week. By the way, that's terrific.

Oh, I'll put more. He says, I didi -didi
-do. Yeah, yeah.

Well, that was it, ladies and gentlemen.
Our last show of the season. And I want

to thank you from the bottom of my
heart.

I didi -didi -do. I didi -didi -do.

Turn it off, will you? Turn it off. Come
on.

This is the most disgusting thing I've
ever seen, laughing at drivel like that.

Leave him alone. That's not fair, right,
Mike? When I think of the years I spent

turning out great television scripts,
only to have him come back with not

interested. All right, can you open?
Yeah, I can open. I paid thousands of

dollars for drivel like I did -dee -dee
-dee -do! I did -dee -dee -dee -do!

show you came up with with Buddy
Bickford last night. And look at the

He was beaten by a documentary film on
beekeeping.

Boys, we've got to come up with a new
format for him next year or there'll be

next year. You boys have got to come up
with an idea.

Maybe if we change the orchestra leader.

Well, that's good dynamic thinking.

Change the orchestra leader. We've got
to change everything.

We've got to give him a character.
There's got to be a situation comedy.

Big B, we've racked our brains all year
trying to think of a character for him.

Well, other comedians have done it.

Bob Cummings is a photographer.

Jesse's a band leader.

Since he's a commuter, there's got to be
something he can do. Mr. Bigby, we've

been through every civilian occupation.

Besides, so many other comedians already
have gotten it. Wait a minute.

I've got it. I've got it. What is it?
Why does it have to be a civilian

occupation? Why can't it be in the army?
The army, out of the thought of it.

That's right. I've been on television
before.

I've seen it in a small little post
somewhere in the middle west. In Kansas.

With a wax for the love interest.

That's it. That's it.

Get me the Pentagon.

Now, I'll tell you what to do.

We take him out and spend a week at some
army camp in Kansas. You know, to get

the background.

Tell the army he wants to put a show on
for us.

Yes? Mr. Bickford is here.

Oh, Mr. Bickford!

He's here.

It's a candy store, but they'll call me.

Oh, I dig that, Secretary. I dee -dee
-dee -dee -doo.

Hiya, Big B. How are all the little
bees? Oh, my writers.

Beautiful. Was that a show they wrote
for me last night? Was that a show?

Buddy, here's last night's ratings. The
ratings. I want these writers around for

life.

You bums, what are you trying to do?
Ruin me? You're cool.

Get out of here. Get him out of my
sight. I don't want to see him. Buddy,

minute, wait a minute. It's not the
writers.

Oh, then it's me. I didn't say it was
you. I'm not funny anymore.

Call my psychiatrist. Get his phone
number. He has an ad in Variety. Buddy,

look, it's not you. You're great.

I am? You're terrific. It's just that
the show needs changing. Yeah, we want

get a new approach. An entirely new
format.

You're right.

But no halfway mission.

This time we go all the way. Exactly.

We get a new orchestra leader.

Next season, we start with a brand -new
band leader. Is Harry Horlick still

around?

Everything's going to be changed.

Look, you're a soldier in the Army. A
little close to my head.

Well? I'm a soldier?

It's a great idea, buddy. Why don't you
have to step a bit on television before?

Oh, buddy, you'll be sensational.

I can see him already in an Army uniform
that doesn't fit you. Oh, yeah, with

the long sleeves.

Hey,

hey, hey, that's funny already.

It is? Hey, buddy, don't you remember
all the laughs you got during the shows

the Army, huh? Oh, yeah, what, yeah.

I just saved an entire regiment. You
saved a regiment? I shot the cook.

Wait a minute. I got an idea. The
opening of the show, instead of

dee -dee -dee -dee -doo. I dee -dee -dee
-dee -doo.

Doberman.

Doberman. Oh, he's coming here.

He's coming here. Bilko. Where are you?
He's coming here.

Bilko, where are you?

Where are you? Oh, where's Bilko? He's
coming here. Rupert.

Rupert, I'm here. What is it? Oh, there
you are. Oh, he's coming here in person.

Who's coming?

Oh, I can't say it without laughing.

He's coming. He's coming.

Rupert, he's coming. I know.

Who's coming? Him, him, him.

Who's him?

Buddy Bickford.

Why?

Why? It don't make sense.

I've left the comedian's entertainment
on me, Ken.

Yeah, but why this, Ken? The last show
we had here was Toby Wing and a turkey

truck dancer.

Hey, son.

He's your male and your variety. All
right, thanks. Why would Buddy Bickford

coming here? He hasn't entertained us at
a camp since the last war.

Why would he come to a dog farm like
Baxter? I'll tell you, there's something

here that he wants.

On this post?

Come on, Eddie. Shut it out. You're
always so suspicious.

There's nothing here.

Suspicious, huh?

No, no, no. I'm talking. I'm just
talking off the top, huh? Listen to

is it? Big B executives are going around
with big smiles on their faces.

The tip is out that the sagging Buddy
Bickford show will come back this fall

a situation comedy.

Before Buddy and his writers disappear
from New York, the comic crusade to say

we'll be back in a week with a brand new
idea. Suspicion, huh? I told you so.

What does it mean? It means that
somebody here has got a comedy situation

that he wants. Somebody here has a comic
situation idea? Yes. Somebody on this

post even has an idea?

Yes. Somebody... What's the matter?

Of course!

Art Whitley. Whitley? He's been writing
and submitting them for years. At last,

one of his ideas hits. Let's go. Where?
Where are we going? Well, you know that

Whitley. You know what a jerk he is. He
doesn't know what he's got here.

They're winding him with little
flattery. First, he's going to let it go

peanuts. That's right.

Why? Why should he get peanuts when we
can get caviar and all share in it, huh?

Right. Let me go. Sarge. Sarge, what? Do
you mean that you're going to handle

the deal and we'll share in the dough?
In the words of the greatest living

American, hey, dee -dee -dee -dee -doo.

How about these tone pods?

I told you, it's got to be a situation
television idea. Now, find it. They're

hot for you.

Oh, I'm just completing one. Let's see
it. What is it? It's right here.

There you are.

I'm married to Sherapidis.

You're married to Sherapidis? That's a
television idea?

A foot doctor?

Well, it's a new TV profession. Look,
you must have some other ideas. Oh, I

it to that advertising agency, Bigby,
Bigby, and Bigby. Why don't you check

people? Why are... Wait a minute.

Bigby... Just like I thought. Big, big,
big... That's Buddy Bickford's agency.

Come on, where is it? Well, they haven't
returned it yet.

Sure. No wonder they didn't return it.
They want to get here and make a deal

with you. I can't believe it.

Is this it? Yeah.

Andrew Armstrong, pre -surgeon? Never
mind. Whatever it is, this is the show

that Buddy Bickford's going to do next
fall.

Buddy Bickford? Now look, I'll handle
the deal. Let me handle this. And

remember, we split right down the
middle. You, me, and the boys in the

Pre -surgeon.

Why? Well, who knows?

Look what they did with a fat bus
driver.

Feel free to look around, Mr. Marsh.
And, uh, Mr.

Melnick, make yourselves at home.

Excuse me, sir. I found this portable
outside. I don't believe I've had the

pleasure of... Oh, this is Mr. Melnick
and Mr. Marsh.

You don't have to be afraid of me. Have
I heard of Rodgers and Hammerstein,

Gilbert and Sullivan, Sears and Roebuck?

I get all finicky once in a while. You
fellas doing a back -up job. Excuse me,

gentlemen. I promised my wife I'd call
her soon as Mr. Pickford arrived.

I'll entertain the gentleman, Colonel.

Dr. Manning in office. He's a grand
gentleman. A grand gentleman. Oh, don't

this uniform fool you. I got a
connection with show business myself.

Oh, you do? Yes, I went to school with
Bob Hope's cousin. Oh, you did? Yeah, we

were on the same wrestling team
together.

She was a lovely girl. What about that?

Oh, excuse me. Oh, that's a chit -chat.
Let's get down to business.

This is what you came here for, right?
It'll cost you $1 ,000.

$1 ,000?

Are you crazy? Oh, trying to give you
the little thing, huh? Make me if you're

not interested, because it's a no -no,
right? You think you'll get it for

peanuts, huh? What are you talking
about? What am I talking about? This is

you came from New York for. Who are you
kidding? Now, you've got to make do with

me. Please, people are talking business.

Mr.

Cleveland, has this sergeant been
annoying you? No.

He hasn't? Well, that's strange.

Ordinarily, left alone with two
strangers, he tries to sell them a

Oh, talk about a sense of humor, Alvin.
Quiet, quiet.

Wilco, I want you to show these
gentlemen around the post. They need

Background, sir? Yes.

Buddy Bickford's going to do a new TV
show about the army.

Show about the army? That's right,
Sergeant.

And it's our idea. We're not buying it
from anybody.

Wilco, did you try to sell them? That's
just a misunderstanding.

Buddy Bickford!

Me, Tarzan, you whack!

Oh, hi, Kyle. I see you've got two
whacks, one for each knee.

Mr. Bickford.

In behalf of the officers and the men.
Oh, get this character. In behalf of the

officers and men.

Oh, put that down for the Colonel Fry
show. A bumbler. A bumbler? I have an

idea. Oh, I don't know. Who's this
character? Your head is shining in my

Oh, dear.

Hey! Hey, that's a beautiful head of
skin you got there, Curly. He's very

isn't he? Comes up. Make a nice ice
skating rink for midgets.

Right, George. That's a good one. Last
time I saw something like that, I made

to hardware in a side pocket.

My name, my name. Oh, I feel funny.

What a beautiful background with these
funny soldiers and everything.

I like it. I like it.

Ah, la -da -da -dum -dum -dum -dum -dum
-dum.

Ah, Chiquita, my cha -cha partner.

I thought I left you in a pawn shop in
Cuba.

Kiss me, you fool. My regiment leaves at
dawn.

Mr. Bickford, this is my wife. Oh, don't
apologize, Colonel. It could happen to

anyone.

Oh, Mr. Bickford, I understand.

That's beautiful.

The Colonel's wife. A frumpy little
chatterbox.

What? Well, pardon me.

Pardon me? I'm sorry, lady. I'm not the
governor.

What? Just show people they're full of
fun. Oh, I feel funny. I feel funny. My

confidence is back.

Uh, Colonel, will you do me a favor? Go
down to the station and pick up my bags.

Do I love it here? Do I love it here?
Oh, hold it. Wait till I get out of the

room.

Let it fly.

All right, dee -dee -dee -doo.

Well, so that's the story. Take Andrew
Armstrong, please, Sergeant, and put it

back in the files. I don't figure this
at all. It all made sense to me. They're

coming here, that item and variety, and
all tied together.

I could complete, uh, I married a
shrapnet. No, no, later.

Give me that tree surgeon script back.
Sarge, you said they wanted to do an

show. They're on Fort Baxter. Fort
Baxter is my property. When people are

property, they do what I want. And I
wanted to buy the script about the tree

surgeon. Yeah, but how?

How? No, figure that later. The first
thing I have to do is talk him out of

army idea that he wants to do. But
Sarge, you yourself said he thinks it's

funny. Yeah, you said he had a lot of
confidence in it. So what? So we break

confidence. The easiest thing to do in
the world is to break a comedian's

confidence. How?

You don't laugh. We don't laugh?

Nobody laughs.

So now he don't know what's funny.

So now his confidence is broken. So now
he don't even know anything that's

funny. So I step in and I tell him
what's funny.

I got to tell the rest of the boys.
Platoon!

Hartnell, they're over here. Platoon!

What's up, Sarge?

Gentlemen, in a few minutes, I'm going
to bring Buddy Bickford into this room.

Hey, Buddy Bickford! Now, fellas, you're
going to come in here and make some

funny gestures, tell you a lot of jokes.
Yeah.

Why don't you do me a favor? Yeah.

Don't laugh at us. Yeah.

Don't laugh? You mean we can't even
laugh? Buddy Bickford's funny. Just a

minute. Remember I told you if I put
over a certain little deal something

be changed here. You like living in this
goat's nest?

Wouldn't you like me to make these
barracks nice and comfortable? Wall -to

carpeting, comfy and warm, wallpaper
cheerful and bright.

One titter and you're back in the goat's
nest.

Now, is he funny?

Never could see him. Dull.

Nothing. Man, the United States Army is
proud of you, boy. I think you'll find

yourself a comfortable rider here. Make
yourself at home.

Gentlemen, the moment you've all been
waiting for. Your favorite and my

favorite, Buddy Bickford. Oh, just a
minute. He asked me to introduce him in

following manner.

Presenting... Hollywood's biggest star.
And here he is.

I'm Lassie, Hollywood's biggest star.

Let's get out of here.

Nobody laughed.

Nobody laughed.

Raise your hand, those of you who didn't
laugh.

Gentlemen, you ought to be ashamed of
yourself. Here's a gentleman come all

way from New York just to be funny for
you.

I'll show some respect.

Right ahead, Mr. Pickford. Be funny.

Be funny.

Kill him.

Hey, fellas.

You hear about the scientist who crossed
a porcupine with an octopus?

He got a broom with eight handles.

A broom with eight handles.

Is that it?

Oh, that was very funny. So now that was
funny and none of you laughed. You

especially, Pat Bailey. You were
especially glum. Now, why?

He wasn't funny.

Well, of course he wasn't funny. Does
everybody walking in this barracks have

be funny?

The man came to see you. He could at
least show some respect. He's a guest.

Now, you go right ahead, Mr. Fitz. I
think they're warm now, sir. They're

now.

All right, one more. Now, you pay
attention and laugh.

The minute the joke is through, you
laugh.

You will tell us when it's through,
won't you, sir? Tell you when I'm

I'm through right now. Buddy, don't give
up. Give me your thought. It never

fails.

Hey, fellas, did you hear about the
farmer down the road?

He fired his milking helper. Wanted to
take things into his own hands.

He wanted to take... Well... Is that it?

Oh, it's not the boy's fault this time.
You promised me you would tell me when

it was true, sir. Oh, no.

You can't blame them. You distinctly
promised you would tell me when it was

true, sir. Oh, this is too much for my
psychiatrist.

Now, give them another chance. I think
they're starting to breathe heavy, so

more joke will put it right.

Oh,

no. This is too much. Let's get out of
here. Oh, no. Get a hold of yourself,

buddy. These guys are a bunch of
deadheads. A lot of fellas down at the

day room waiting to see you. Especially
two sergeants.

Ritchick and Grover, they're dying to
meet you. Yeah? They laughed when we

showed them your empty car.

They did?

Yeah. Good. Let's go.

That's it. That's a splendid idea.

Grover and Richard are tremendous fans
of Corporal Henshaw. Will you take him

the day room? Take him by the...
Shotgun. Yes, Sergeant.

You see him? Do you see him? No, but his
writer said that they're going to bring

him here.

Hey, did you see his empty car?

Wasn't it funny?

I hope he says, I did, he did, he did.

Hey, Ernie. Hey, Ernie. Ernie, did you
see Buddy Bickford yet?

Boy, I want to apologize to you.
Apologize for what?

I apologize for having ever said
anything mean about Buddy Bickford.

matter? Boys, I just found out something
that... What'd you find out?

Boys, he's come here to entertain us.
Yeah. In spite of the fact that... But

what is it? What is it? Boys, he's just
got a week to live.

Would you believe that? Oh, no.

Oh, poor Buddy. No, no, no. Don't do
that.

He won't want that. Don't let him know
you know.

Greet him with smiles.

And even though I happen to know, his
tombstone has been ordered for a week.

Has it? With a simple inscription...

I deedy, deedy did.

Boys, no. Don't give in to your
emotions.

Don't let him know you'll be here any
minute. Smile. Don't let him know you

know. Smile at him. Smile.

Well, fellas, I promised to meet him,
and here he is. This is Sergeant

and Sergeant Grover. Hiya, fellas.

I'm really glad to meet you. I really
mean it. I deedy, deedy do. I deedy,

do.

Oh, that's awesome. That's awesome. I'm
ready.

I'm ready.

I'm ready.

No, no, the army idea's out.

Buddy just won't go for it.

How's that?

Buddy, Buddy, you want to talk to him?

No, no, no, Mr. Bigby, don't worry.
We'll think of something else on the way

home. All right, bye -bye.

Don't worry, Buddy. We'll come up with a
real blockbuster for you. Buddy, we'll

pack and we'll see you later.

Excuse me, you gentlemen all have a
staff car? Yeah, it's waiting.

Thank you. Thanks a lot.

What's the matter, Mr. Bigby? You got
the blues?

Don't worry. I'd shoot out my platoon
real good. I told them about popular

behavior. The least they could have done
was laugh.

Why should they laugh? I'm not funny.
You're not funny. Come on. You're the

funniest guy in the world. I am? So how
come nobody laughed?

Well, let's face it, Mr. Dickman. Those
jokes you were telling, we heard those

years ago.

Years ago? My writers just wrote them.

Look, I happen to have a television
situation comedy idea ready. Everybody

writes a comedy show. I'm telling you,
the boys were screaming at this at the

barracks. What boys?

My boys, the platoon.

Your boys in your platoon can laugh? I
wish you'd look at this. There it is.

Just look. Give it a glance.

Andrew Armstrong, tree surgeon?

Oh, about that.

That's funny. Where did you get to the
tree part?

The tree? Oh, yes.

Fifteen different type trees. One
funnier than the next one.

Trees are funny?

Well, trees are not funny within
themselves, but what are trees made out

Wood?

Wood is funny?

That's what is funny. You must have
known that.

Everybody's laughing at wood?

Everybody's laughing. Oh, look.

One year they laughed when you mentioned
Brooklyn.

I don't know why everybody laughed.

Then one year it was chopped liver, and
then years ago it was dee -dee -dee -dee

-doo. And now they're laughing at Woods?
You knew that all. You're kidding me.

Oh, no.

Wood is the funniest as wood, man. You
must... Oh, come on. You must mingle

the public. You know that.

Well, sure, I mingle with the public
every week. 20 million people watch me.

I see. On your way to the... In the
subway, you talk to the people and...

no. I have a limousine.

Oh. I guess when you get to the studio,
you talk to the audience, you get that

pulse. No, only the crew is there.

Really? Oh, I guess when you get home
from work, you go out to those land, all

the different places. No, I go nowhere.
I go right home. I'm beat.

This has been going on for eight years.

No wonder you're out of touch. No wonder
you don't know what's funny anymore.

You mean everybody is laughing at what?

What is the funniest, man?

Come on, I'll show you. Yes, I got it.
I'll show you.

I want you to meet my boy.

Here they come. Now, you know what to
do. Yeah.

Come on, Mr. Bickford. Don't be afraid.
Come on in.

Come on.

All right.

Now, let's use that jolly friend of
ours, Mr. Bickford. That's great. All

fellas. Go on.

From any place? Any place at all. Just
at random.

Anything? Go on. Go on.

Mahogany?

Did he say mahogany?

What'd I say? What'd I say? That's one
better.

Nutty pie?

on the chair because this will knock you
right off your feet. Listen to this.

It's a situation comedy show built
around me. I'm a tree surgeon.

A tree surgeon? Don't you get it? There
isn't one on the air yet. I'll be the

first one. I'll have to jump on them
all. What are you talking about? Quiet,

quiet. Listen to this.

You ready? Here it comes.

Mahogany.

95.

Oh, I get it. You guys are giving me the
fees bit because you didn't write it.

Are you crazy?

Crazy? I'm being funny, man. What? What?

What's so funny about Wood? That's what
you don't know. You haven't been

mingling with the public. Get out of the
way from your swimming pool and your

big limousines. Get out and mingle with
the public and you'll find what they're

laughing at. Wood, that's what they're
laughing at, man. They're laughing at

Wood. They're laughing at Wood?

Yeah. I'll call his analyst. You'll call
him.

The first time in my life I got
something going for me. But Wood. Wood,

man. Funny. It's funny Wood.

You don't believe me.

Come with me. You remember those two
fellas who were crying?

Ritchick and Grover? They'll be
laughing. Come with me.

But he's going to live. He's going to
live.

Our buddy's pulling through.

His life was saved by this magnificent
doctor, Dr. Wood.

He owes his life to this Dr. Wood. Dr.
Wood. Buddy is so grateful.

Every time he mentions the word Wood, he
wants people to rejoice with him. You

can understand how happy he is. If you
care about your old pal, whenever he

anything that sounds like Wood, rejoice
with him. Laugh with him. We will.

We will. We'll laugh with him. Yeah,
Wood.

Hello, Mr. Beckwith.

Mahogany. Mahogany!

Weeping willow. Weeping willow.

Hey, instead of my dee -dee -dee -dee
-dooey switch, do I woody woody what?

I had to come all the way from New York
to find that you fellas had gone

completely out of your minds. But,
Clemson, this is funny.

Wood, you're out of touch.

The public's laughing at Wood. I know
what the public is laughing at. They're

laughing at Gleeson, Jack Penny, Les
Skelton, and those guys aren't talking

about Wood. They're just funny.

You mean this guy just talked me into
this? He certainly did.

And you guys, two of the smartest guys
in the business, and you let an ordinary

sergeant flimflam you into thinking Ward
is funny.

Now, that is funny.

I've never heard anything like that.
When I tell the boys... What is it? What

it? That's it. That's your new
character, buddy. What character?

Bilko, a finagling sergeant in the army
who can talk people into anything.

And the way he talks...

He made the platoon not laugh at me. And
then he switched me and he made me buy

this piece.

That's me, Mr. Biffy in New York.

Boys, this is it. Oh, what a beautiful
character. I can sink my teeth into

I'll wear glasses.

Platoon! I don't have a hair.

I don't believe that Ben and I have come
up with such a completely unbelievable

character. Unbelievable? But this is
based on a real character. You saw him.

It's that Sergeant Soko that drove you
from the station. Hey, he's fantastic.

He can talk anybody now. Why, he's the
smartest, the shrewdest operator in the

whole army. He is, eh?

Let me tell you this, boys.

This same Sergeant Bilko you're so hot
on happens to be the most stupid, naive

character I've ever met. Stupid? Yes.

Who else but the most stupid man in the
world would sell me the hottest

television property in years for only $1
,000? I married a chiropodist.

The public laughing at feet, men. Feet.

Feet. Big feet. Small feet. Anything.
May I interrupt you, sir? Would you mind

giving me cash instead of this check?
I'd like to divide it amongst the boys.

Cash? Thank you very much.

Flat feet.

Archers.

Bunions.

On guard!

Also seen in tonight's cast were Dan
Dayton as Buddy Bickford, Joey Ross as

Ritzik, James Little as Grover, Howard
Petrie as Bigby, Cameron Andrews as

Whitley, and Dagmar as herself.