All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s02e17 Love That Guardhouse

Nine,

three, eight, up!

Pair of aces. Every time. You can't beat
it. Two boys by it. Try it again.

Hey, not so fast.

What do you mean? What do you do?

What do I do?

I got your beer on the table. I got a
pair of aces. The best you can do is

a pair of rakes.

Are you talking or playing? What do you
do?

I ask you. All right.

Pair of aces. That's a dollar.

I see you, and I raise you a dollar.

Jake, I got your beer on the table.

All you can do is... Another thing is I
got another race underneath.

Well, put your body where your mouth is.
Are you in or out?

Okay, I see you. What do you got? I got
a pair of eights.

Three aces.

I knew it.

Jack, I told you I had three aces,
didn't I?

I thought you were bluffing.

I give up with you. Listen, why don't
you stop playing cards? Why don't you do

something more on your own mental level,
like stringing wooden beads or jacks?

Let's go. Are you in, Roop? I'm broke.

Oh, that does it, boy. The golden goose
has laid his last bag for the evening.

Oh, wait a while. I got 50 bucks home.
I'll be right back. Wait a minute, wait

minute. 50 bucks isn't that a payment
for your car? So I'll miss a month.

You've been paying off that car for
eight years. The company's been out of

business for five years.

Why don't you pay up and let them close
their offices?

That's my business. Your business? But
it's my business when your wife comes

screaming at me. Why don't you stay away
from Rupert, you bum? If it wasn't for

you, we'd be financially wealthy, you
bum.

Never mind my wife. Sure, let him alone.

Look, he's a big boy. If he wants to
play, let him get the money. Boy, he's

for four more years. We've got plenty of
time with him. Let's call it a night.

All right, let's get some sleep. Hey,
wait a minute. Give me a chance, boy.

night, Rupert. See you next week. Oh,
I'll get lucky.

You broke up this game very nicely. Very
nicely indeed.

Oh, I don't know.

What's the matter? You afraid I'm going
to take you? Take me?

Rupert, if you lived to be 300 years
old, you wouldn't be able to take me.

sure.

I don't know what it is with you.

You are absolutely the worst gambler in
the world. But I mean, not near the

worst, but the worst.

But then you insist on gambling. That's
all you live for. I'm just on a bad

streak, that's all. And as soon as I
start to get lucky, I go broke.

There should be a federal law against
playing cards with you. The government

should protect you like it does its
wildlife.

Okay, Chaplin.

Are you through with the lecture? I've
got to clean up this kitchen. Rupert,

being, I'm really being down a square
with you. No, Kim, you shouldn't play

cards. You haven't got a chance. Look,
you raised me with a pair of vape.

Jerk, you've got no chance. You know
nothing about gambling. And still you

insist on torturing yourself.

You must gamble. Why don't you take your
money, go to Las Vegas, put it on a

number and roulette, one spin of the
wheel, performing it through for the

What number?

I give up. Have you got a number?

Yeah. The number of your IQ.

Double zero.

Good night. I give up with you.

Double zero?

That's a number?

It's four o 'clock in the morning.

Mrs.

Rittig, it's four o 'clock in the
morning. Where's Rupert? Rupert? Don't

innocent. I know he's in there playing
cards with you bums. Please, Mrs.

I know he's in there. Come on out,
Rupert. I can see you in the corner.

That's my gas mask. I'll give you my
word of honor. We'll stop playing at

midnight, Mrs. Rittig. Sure. Come on
out, Rupert. You're not fooling anybody.

Mrs. Rittig, please.

He's not been here for hours. Oh, don't
kid me. He came tearing into the house,

sneaking in around midnight. He took
$50. I had him...

In case I give you my word about it, I
haven't... Rupert, if you don't come

I'll scream!

Don't scream.

If I'm going to get a rap, it's not
going to be for you. Don't scream,

Don't scream. I'll get Sergeant Scrover
and Birch, and we'll round them up.

Don't scream.

Don't scream.

He's a master sergeant. Let him go!
Please, Mrs. Ritzig. He weighs around

pounds. He's got a sort of pleasant,
stupid -looking face. Let him go!

the bomb. Please, Mrs. Ritzig, the home
post is asleep. I want the home post

here. Listen, everybody, my husband left
me. The bomb's gone. Please, please.

Wherever you are, Rupert Ritzig, stay
there. Please, please, keep up quiet.

All the way down to Main Gate. Did you
find out anything else? He was in his

going out to Main Gate heading south on
Highway 72.

Did you hear that, everybody? He drove
away in a car that wasn't paid for. Mrs.

Ritzig, please, I got the air base. I'm
checking. Oh, let him go. Please, hello.

Yes, well, did you... He did?

Thank you.

Oh, hear this.

He hitched a ride on a bomber that was
going out to Camp Crawford in Nevada.

Now, what would he want with Nevada?

Camp Crawford?

Oh, that's out near Las Vegas. Las
Vegas.

Did you hear that, everybody?

He went to Las Vegas in a car that
wasn't paid for until it was finished.

Now, listen, your husband is in a lot of
trouble. I don't care.

In a lot of trouble? Yes, he forged a
pass. He went AWOL. Oh.

Oh, there goes Sergeant Stratton. He's
going to go laughing. What are you going

to do? Look, will you let us? We'll
cover him. The colonel won't know he

the post. Now, you go home and don't
worry. Sure. Stop worrying. Did your

husband ever go to Las Vegas? What am I
going to do?

Did your husband ever hide 50 dollars
under your pillow?

Now, look, will you relax? Just go home.
Let us go home and get some sleep.

Sweet. I'll never close my eyes again.
Keep it quiet.

Listen. Does anybody know he's gone?

I don't know. One of my men was on the
main gate there. Tell your man he saw

nothing. You understand? We've got to
pretend he never left the post. Right.

understand? Now we've got to make like
we know nothing. Officer to the guard.

Who's there?

Oh, it's you, Bilko. Yes, sir. What's
going on? Oh, it's just Master Sergeant

Birch, Grover, Rittig, and myself. We're
just checking on our platoon, sir. Oh,

I'll put that in my report.

Thank you, Lieutenant, and good night.

Good night, Bilko. Good night, Birch.
Good night, Bilko.

Good night, Grover. Good night, Bilko.
Good night, Rittig. Good night, Bilko.

Good night, Grover.

Good night, Rittig. Good night, Birch.
Good night, Rittig.

Good night, Lieutenant.

Good night, Rittig.

Oh, excuse me, sir. There was something
funny.

Sergeant Ritchie just told a very
amusing joke. He's on his way to the

hall, sir. He asked me to drop off the
morning report. Oh, Ritchie, where is

I want to see him. Oh, I'll see if I can
get him, sir.

Ritchie, the colonel... Oh, there he
goes around the corner, sir. We missed

Oh, nuts. I wanted to ask him if those
strawberries came from my wife. Oh, I'll

get him, sir. I'll see if I can get...
Oh, Ritchie, the colonel... Oh, there he

goes around the mess hall building. Yes,
sir.

Well, I'll run down to the mess hall and
tell him you wanted him. Oh, never

mind. I'll be over there to check the
lines. I'll see him then. You'll see

Of course.

I always taste everything before the men
eat it, don't I? Isn't that a bit

dangerous, sir? Never mind. We don't
want to lose our peerless leaders.

Phenomenal mistake, sir. Quiet!

Tell Ritzik I'll see him in the mess
hall.

You'll see him at the mess hall. Oh,
yes, sir. You'll see him at the mess

Is it done, Bert?

How do I know?

I've never done this before.

Let me taste it. Taste it.

Won't do. It's too good. They know
that's Ritzig's. You've got to last it

little. Hey, watch it. Look, it's Rover
ready. Does he know what to do? Has he

got the strawberries? He's scared to
death. Oh, my goodness. Hey, chef.

And he is. Where's Ritzig? Oh, he's
inside baking, sir.

Oh, baking.

Well, go and get him. Yes, sir.

Ah, I'm here, Sergeant Ritzig. The
candle's waiting for you, Sergeant

Come here.

Oh,

good. My strawberries.

Thank you. Wait a minute.

There's another matter.

Did you arrange with that farmer for
those vegetables?

Oh, yes. He did that first thing in the
morning, sir. Please. Yes, sir.

See that he doesn't overcharge us. Oh,
he watches him like a hawk, sir.

I'm talking to Sergeant Rissick. Of
course, sir.

You know what happened to that other
farmer? Oh, yes. We've had a chuckle

that other farmer many times, sir.

Are you Sergeant Rissick, or is he? No,
he is. He is Sergeant Rissick. Very

well. Yes, sir.

I did it. I did it. What is it? I did
it. How dare you come in here with your

hat on in front of the colonel? You get
out of here. Out.

Don't you see the colonel is talking a
mess, Sergeant Vincent? How dare you

in here without the military protocol of
removing your hat?

Who's that?

That was Sergeant Grover, sir. He's
become the sloppiest soldier in the

Who's a slob? No, sir.

See how he is? All hot.

All hot, sir. He thinks perhaps that
you're going to chastise one of his

friends. Oh, don't worry. Oh, I hear the
bread rising. You better take care of

it.

Carry on. Yes, sir.

We'll need you around here anyway.

Oh, it must be very dull, really. No
floor show, no Zsa Zsa hanging out of

arm. He's in here. Come on. Where are
you? What are you doing to him? You know

this man had a book for you?

You know what happened when I had to
sign that into the morning order? Do you

realize you're bad? You know the trouble
I could get into? Get out of here.

What's that?

What? That. Oh, this? Oh, just $1 ,750.

$1 ,750.

My boy is back.

I've arranged a little party for you at
the barracks today. We're all great to

welcome you home.

Oh, no. No, you don't, Phil. No, you get
out of here. Wait a while. You can't

talk like that to my benefactor.

Benefactor? Yes. For the first time, I
did what you told me. I went to Las

Vegas. I took my $50. I put out double
zero.

$1 ,750.

Good boy.

Good, good boy.

Well, boy, I knew I could do it.

I'll be over to the party tonight. Good
boy. Yeah. Oh, don't you do it. You stay

away from them, Rupert. They're already
counting your money. They think it's

theirs. No, no, don't worry. I know
where every penny is going. I hope

not going to do anything foolish. Oh,
no, I won't. First, here is $50 for the

car payment. Oh, Mr.

Payment, what difference does it make?

And here's $200 for some new wardrobe.

Why, she looks lovely. Why waste $200?

And here, this $1 ,500.

Yeah. Well, this is the beginning of a
fortune.

Now, if I can get some suckers to play
cards with me.

You're not going to dance.

Good boy. I thought you were going to do
something foolish.

Now about the party tonight. Oh, you're
out of your mind. You're crazy.

I'm out of my mind, eh? Did I hit the
number of Las Vegas?

I'll tell you, I can't lose anymore. My
luck has changed.

Look out, pigeons.

Here comes Riddick.

Mrs.

Riddick, let me get this straight. You
want me to arrest your husband and put

him in the guardhouse? Please, Colonel,
before it's too late. Too late?

Yes, don't you see? That's the only
place he'll be safe, sir. Safe? I don't

understand. Besides, I can't arrest a
man for no reason. No reason?

Why, Colonel Hall, my husband is a
deserter.

A deserter? Yes. He forged a pass last
night. He went clear to Las Vegas, left

the post and went to Las Vegas and only
came back half an hour ago.

Mrs. Rizzi.

He's been on the post all morning.

Now look, I saw him this morning in the
mess hall just before lunch. He gave me

some strawberries. I had a little chat
with him. No, no, that wasn't my

Colonel. I saw him with my own two eyes.

Then there's something wrong with your
two eyes.

Because my husband just came back from
Las Vegas with $1 ,750.

He's got $1 ,500 on him right now.

He's got $1 ,500?

Does Bill go now? Yes.

We've got to lock him up.

Okay, you got the chips? You got the
cards ready? You got the potato chips?

Ritzik loves potato chips. Come on,
Sarge, give him a break. The poor slob

finally got some money. What are you
talking about? You know Ritzik, he can

hardly wait to give away that $1 ,500.
Why should I live and give it away to

strangers? And those other two bosses
are going to try to beat me to it. Does

Net Sergeant Birch and Grover know about
this emergency session?

They think the game is Saturday night.
Good boy.

I'll make this clean and fast. Where is
he? Where is he?

How dare you call us Ritzig?

Ritzig? Who? What Ritzig? Rupert Ritzig,
the millionaire.

If you think you're going to cut him up
alone... What are you fellas talking

about? Yeah, I thought you were going to
wait until Saturday night to dump the

gun, huh? How dare you use that tone?
You and that little private game you got

arranged with Ritzig. I resent that. Do
you infer that I, a master sergeant in

the United States Army, will play cards
in the afternoon?

Oh, of course not, with the shades down,
cards and chips on the table. You're

not exactly set up for surgery.

Nice going, pal.

All right, I should have known I
couldn't outsmart you guys. Oh, look,

gets here, I'll tell you what we'll do.

What's the matter?

I can't go through with it. What do you
mean?

It was right there where I saw her last.
Who?

Mrs. Ritzig. Sobbing softly in the
night.

Worrying about her husband. Yeah.

If you fellas want to take his $1 ,500,
you go right ahead. I can't go through

it. I wouldn't be able to live with
myself if I did. I never thought of it

way, Ernie. Yeah, poor guy. First time
he ever had that much money in his life.

Would we like ourselves if we took it
away from him? No, we wouldn't, fellas.

feel terrible. How low can guys get?

Sergeant South.

This is a no. United, we stand against
him. No matter what he says, no matter

how he pleads to play cards with us, we
say no!

No!

Just a minute.

What is this? Without a warrant? Come
on.

Just a minute. Look at your cards. You
want any cards? Yeah, two cards.

Wait a minute. At least let us go in the
wagon.

Wait a minute. Look at your hold.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

That's the most savage, cruel thing I've
ever seen. They wouldn't even let him

look at us. Oh, God.

What are we living in, Russia?

Well, there goes the game.

What a bad break.

No, fellas.

It's a good break.

Good break.

In the guardhouse, he's safe from us.

I never thought of it that way. Yeah.

Forging a pass, absent without leave,
and he's going to be safe for a long

Forever, fellas.

Forever he'll be safe from us because
we're the only temptation that he has to

avoid. Yeah.

Sergeant, so...

United, we say no matter what he wants
to do, whatever he pleases, we will not

play Cosman for our own mental
appeasement. Is that right, fellas?

safe from us. Right.

Makes you feel clean inside, don't it?
Yeah, me too. For a minute we were

greedy, but we saw the light. This thing
never happens. Let's do what the army

pays us to do. A good day's work.

See you later, Ernie. See you tonight in
the day room, fellas. So long, boys.

Gee, Ernie, that was the nicest thing
ever. Stop blubbering. Get my hat on.

There you go.

All I need is five minutes alone with
him in the guardhouse.

Now, just get back there and relax,
Sergeant Riddick.

Here are his papers, sir.

I met Sergeant Bilger to see my friend,
Mr.

Riddick, if you don't mind, sir. Don't
stand up. I know just where it is, sir.

Hold it, Sergeant.

Oh, just some hot soup on the foot for
him to read. Sorry, no visitors.

No visitors.

For one infraction of the rule is a man
to rot in a cell, sir. He's only been in

there two minutes. Yes, but to a man
like Riddick, sir, two minutes without

action, I mean two minutes cut off from
the world, is like an eternity, sir. I'm

sorry. He can only see his wife.

His wife, sir. But it's me he wants to
see.

Rupert, I'm here.

Is that you, Bill? Yes, dear friend.

Did you bring the cards? No.

Sorry,

you'll have to leave. Yes, sir. Here,
I'll bring these. No, that won't be

necessary. How thoughtful of you to
bring him this book. The Poems of

Browning.

Just some bookmarks, sir. That's all.

I believe the poker chips would be in
here.

Bean soup, sir.

Sergeant, no visitors except his wife.
But, sir, it'll only take a minute if I

can hold his hand to give him a little
encouragement.

Take a card. Stop it!

Sergeant, what's leaving him down here?

Sergeant, no visitors except his wife.
Now, get up!

Yes, sir. We are friends of Sergeant's.

You can only see his wife. I'm sorry,
boys. Don't visit. I'll tell him you

here. Some friends came to see you.
Wasn't that nice? Take a card. Open up

Take a...

Think of the cost. Eight of diamonds.
Show me $30.

Quiet!

Quiet!

You'd better watch your military conduct
or you'll be in there with us.

I'll be... Oh, yes.

Yes, the colonel doesn't stand for
disheveling. Thank you very much for

me, sir. Hang on, Rupert. Think of a
suit.

Clubs. I had diamonds. Show me $40.

Sir Defender, you will consider this a
final warning.

You know that a tie clasp is against
regulations.

You're out of uniform.

And next time, you will be subject to
severe discipline.

Come on, there.

You were right, Lieutenant.

I don't care what Bilko does.

Under no circumstances do I want him in
the guardhouse. Do you understand?

Good.

Now remember, Fender, next time it'll be
the guardhouse.

That'll be all.

I have the morning orders. I have the
morning orders.

There he is. There he is.

There you are, sir. The morning orders.

Can you see it all right, sir? The way I
wrote the morning orders in there, sir.

Sir! Oh, look at the amount duty and
amount of uniform.

Oh, well, a day in the guardhouse won't
kill me.

Don't be silly. I think you look rather
dashing.

Well,

I'll just drink to that.

Oh, heavens, I'm on duty and I'm
drinking. The empty is outside. I'll get

sir. Drink? I won't tell anybody.

You won't, sir? I don't understand, sir.

I do.

You do?

Vilco, you're not getting into that
guardhouse.

I'm not? Vilco, this is your day. I
don't care what you do. I don't care

regulations you break.

You're not getting into that guardhouse.
Is that clear? Very clear, sir.

All right.

Get out of those stupid clothes and get
to work. Yes, sir. Vilco.

Oh, excuse me. Excuse me, sir.

What's going on here? What's going on?
You stand here smugging your complacency

when a fellow soldier's in the
guardhouse without any reason under the

aggression. On no trial, one is as dead
as silent. A man is being oppressed. Do

you want that to happen to you?

No! Free Rupert Ritchie!

Free Rupert Ritchie!

Free Rupert Ritchie!

Wilco, what have you done? Oh, sir,
nothing at all. This is merely a

reaction. This is the only way they
can... I tried to stop them, but this is

only way they can betray the injustice
done to Sergeant Ritchie. I said don't

it. Free Rupert Ritchie! Free Rupert
Ritchie!

What's going on? You keep out of this.
Oh, tension.

Here it is. What's going on? Sir,
there's an interruption. I'm the leader

men, sir. That's all right. Don't be all
the way, sir.

I did my... Quiet, quiet.

Just try to do all the work.

Get the military police.

You'll never regret this, sir. Send an
MP wagon.

No, don't send it, sir. We'll go to the
guardhouse. We'll run. We'll get there.

Sir, I'm the guilty one. Believe me,
these men are entirely... No, we are

guilty. We're guilty.

Lock them up. Yes, please. Lock them up.
Lock them up. Here we go.

I'm out.

I'm out. Oh, Rupert, now you need to go
home. Oh, where are the boys? Where are

the boys?

Sir, I wish to report a kidnapping.
There's an empty cell. There was a man

there a moment ago, sir.

Bilko. Rupert. We've gone in. We've gone
in. I've gone out. Lock him up.

Take the car.

Take the car. What are you saying?

Rupert, now we're free to go home.

Well, let me back you there. I'm not
going to let this man go out into the

this quick. Lock him up.

Take the car.

Six a heart. Don't be a hundred dollars.

This man is a lot. He's insane.

Take it off him. Please, please, take me
to Jacket Spade.

Jacket Spade? Don't run.

You'll be fine.

Just give

me five minutes. Just five minutes with
my friend.

Riddick, there's no charge against you.

Well, maybe I can belt her.

Oh, come on, Rupert. Don't you know
you'll never... Oh, just one sock.

One sock, it won't hurt us.

And he still won't give you the money?

It's like a disease, Colonel. He doesn't
care about anything but gambling. Well,

with Bilko behind bars, he won't be able
to gamble anymore. Maybe he'll finally

come to his senses.

Oh, General Davis, I thought you left
the post a half an hour ago. I did.

Really, Jack, must I do all your work
for you? What do you mean? Five miles

the road, I pick up a hitchhiker. A
hitchhiker? One of your men. Without a

Heading for Las Vegas.

Where is he now? Well, he should be in
the guardhouse. Oh, I hope I'm not too

late. Free Rupert Ritchie! Where was he?

I'll see you later. Hurry up for
Sergeant Ritchie!

Where's Ritchie? He's just being
released. Ritchie! He's only been in a

minutes. I hope we're not too late.

I know it.

I know it.

What happened?

I thought he was bluffing.

We are too late. Rupert, when will you
learn that you're no gambler? Now, come

on home. I knew it.

I knew it.

Send for Bilko, Grover, and Birch.

Sergeants Bilko, Grover, and Birch on
the double.

Quiet.

Shame on you men.

What shall I do with them, sir?

Release them. Release them? Yes.

I don't want them contaminating the
other prisoners.

Sir, we...

Mrs. Ritchie? Oh, it's you.

You've got a nerve showing your face in
here after what you've done. Please,

Mrs. Ritchie. Look, Rupert's asleep in
there. Now's your chance. Why don't you

go in there and go through his pockets?
Maybe he left a dime.

Mrs. Ritchie, here's your $1 ,500.

You're giving me $1 ,500?

Well, you didn't think we would keep it
now, did you?

I didn't? We want it so nobody else
would. Yeah, take it, Mrs. Ritchie. Of

course, now take it, buy some new
furniture, pay off the car, buy yourself

new dresses. Oh, boys!

Oh, please, no hysterics. It's only
truths.

Rightfully yours.

Case is closed. Come on, fellas.

Robin Hood, come on.

All right, I've got two rents. I'll see
you.

Jack, two cakes.

Oh, well, that does it. Come on, let's
break it up. It's four in the morning.

Hey, isn't it nice getting to know your
conscience? We'll let you get a little

sleep tonight.

Yeah. Makes you feel good again.

You're not kidding. You know, when you
do a good deed, you get the benefit of

it. That's right. Good night, fellas.
Good night. Good night.

Hold on.

Ritchick! No, no. No, no, you can't play
with us. We made a vow never to play

cards with you. Oh, no. I didn't come
here to play cards. What are you here

Did you see my wife?

Your wife?

Yeah. Well, while I was asleep, she came
in, she got dressed, and she took the

car, and she took off for the main gate.

The main gate? Did you check at the main
gate?

Yeah, they said she was heading west on
Highway 72.

Oh, no. Las Vegas.

I know it.

Now, look. You've got to stop. Get the
chief. Get the officer of the guard.

get to the MPs. Tell them to shoot at
the tires. Tell them to shoot low. She's

carrying money.

Mrs. Ritchick, wherever you are!

The number is double zero.

Coming up next, Don Rickles.