All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s02e16 The Blue Blood of the Bilkos

Well,

Biff, the Winkers have had many captains
of industry marrying into the family.

But this is the first time we've ever
had the captain of the Princeton

team. Thank you.

By the way, Biff, we know very little
about your family. Well, it's just that

father, the Commodore, is a little
touchy about social rank.

Well, we're one of the first families,
you know. Well, just what is your family

background?

Don't be modest, dear.

I told you, Biff's father, C .J.
Bentonhurst, is one of the biggest men

Kansas. Isn't that right, Biff? Well,
I've always considered him. Well, I

remember seeing the name C .J.

Bentonhurst in the social register. Oh,
I told you. His father hates publicity.

His business, you know. Well, just what
does your father do?

Well... Oh, he's in munitions, isn't he,
Biff? Well, sort of.

Yes, I would say that he's in munitions.
Good, good.

C .J.

Bentonhurst, munitions.

Okay, once more, Sergeant Bentonhurst.
Hit it, C .J.

Okay, Nelson, come on in. I said for
today.

Hey, we're knocking off a little early,
aren't we, Sarge? Yeah, we've still got

two demolition tests to run. I got a
little celebrating to do, boys. Got a

letter from my son Biff. He's getting
married.

No kidding. Congratulations.

Who's the lucky girl?

Here's a picture from the Philadelphia
paper.

Penny Wingate. Wow.

Hey, she's some looker.

Mr. and Mrs. Holt and G. Wingate
announced the engagement of their

Penny. To Clifton Biff Bentonhurst,
captain of the Princeton football team.

Well, I guess you'll be leaving the army
now, eh, Sarge, and getting a plushy

job with those windgates. Ah, cut it
out. Biff's marrying her, not me.

the army's the only thing I know.

Hey, it's Coco.

Hop on the lift.

All right, hop in.

Ten cents.

Give it to me.

No charge for fellow sergeants.

Wait for Nelson.

That'll cost him an extra dime. When you
idle the motor, it costs an extra...

That's a big smile on your kisser. You
act like you just got the colonel with

the last blast. Just got a letter from a
son bit.

Don't mention that. It ain't great to
me. Oh, Ernie. Of all the ungrateful

When he was a kid on the postal, took
care of him. Took him to the movies,

showed him how to play gin rummy. Ernie,
can't you forget that? Oh, I'll never

forget it as long as I live. After all I
did for him. One little favor.

I asked him to throw the Yale game.
What'd he do it? No.

I made a lot of bets and that went right
down. Ernie, look at that. Look, I know

he's your kid, but he's got a mean
streak in him.

Little fumble on the one -yard line.
Here, Ernie, look at this.

Don't tell me about ungrateful people.
When the guy shows this... Penny

This is marrying into one of the
wealthiest families in America?

My son is getting married.

Let's go.

Go where?

I've got to get ready for the wedding.
I've got to have Fender make me up a

dress suit. Oh, but wait, Ernie. I don't
even know the Wingates. I can't take

you or Stranger out to their house.

Oh, Ernie, what's the matter? Stranger?
You call me a stranger? You mean Uncle

Ernie can't go to Little Biff's wedding?

You know I'm Uncle Ernie to mingle with
those millionaires? Finally got a chance

to put over one of my million -dollar
ideas to someone who's got a million

dollars? But, Ernie, I don't know them.
I know the Wingates pretty good. Steel,

oil, farm machinery, railroads,
Connecticut.

They don't live in Connecticut. They
live in Philadelphia. I didn't say they

live in Connecticut.

They own Connecticut.

Let's go.

Father, a sergeant.

Mother.

Give her some water. Oh, a sergeant in
our family.

What will my garden club say?

You almost kept it from us. Thank heaven
I had the good sense to have your

family investigated.

Oh, what will that Commodore say? Oh,
Mother, what difference does it make?

difference does it make? A sergeant?

Our family had been in Philadelphia a
hundred years before the Kellys, and

daughter, Grace, married a prince.

And now my daughter is marrying the son
of a sergeant. Oh, no.

What will the Commodore say?

Commodore.

Quiet. Open the Commodore.

Oh, no, no. Don't get excited or
nervous, Father. Oh, what is it, Father?

Take the Kellys off the gas lid. The
Kellys? But, Father.

I just found out their daughter was an
actress. Oh, we'll never let this down.

What's the matter with her?

Oh, Una.

Grandfather, this is Biff Bentonhurst,
the man I'm going to marry. How do you

do, sir?

Fine. Fine -looking young man. Fine
hair. Good stuff. Good stuff. Father, we

have something to tell you.

Yes, I like his eyes.

Reminds me of President McKinley when he
was a boy.

Father, I... Well, here's a report on
his background.

Read it.

What is this for?

Sergeant.

A sergeant in the family. What will the
Commodore say?

You're the Commodore.

Why, I'm the Commodore.

Look, Father.

You knew this was going on? But, Father,
now. Go to your room.

Oh, no, no, Father.

I'm excited, Father.

This is a fine mess.

Oh, Father, Biff wanted to tell you
about it, but it was I who... Oh, quiet.

invitations have been sent out.

Well, we'll just have to make the best
of it.

Oh, thank you, Daddy. I know when you
meet Biff's father at the wedding... At

the wedding?

Well, that's out of the question.

He must not be seen there, do you
understand?

Now, wait a minute. My cousin is a
general, and he barely made the guest

But my own father... Oh, it's
impossible.

A sergeant at a Wingate wedding? At my
wedding, the caterer was a major. Well,

that's the way it's going to be. I won't
hear of it. Please, Father. Please,

Mother. Let me talk to him. No, no, no.
Now, Penny, I'm adamant about this.

Now, Biff... No!

Biffy, we've got to be reasonable.

No.

Well?

It's all right, Fender, but is it me? Is
it me?

It's you. It's you.

Paparelli. Is it him? It's him. It's
him. No, you don't understand. I'm going

be mingling with millionaires. I want to
walk in and exude a certain quiet

elegance. I got it. Give me piping on a
lapel. That'll make me stand out. This

is my big opportunity. Don't you
understand? With my ideas and... Oh,

ready? Hey!

Get him a suit.

Get the striped on.

Oh, you're going to look great.

Ernie, I'm going to look foolish in one
of these monkeys suits. You're going to

look elegant walking down that center
aisle.

Those windmills are going to be proud of
you. Real army man in the family.

Hey, C .J., it's for you. Philadelphia.

Oh, it must be, Biff.

Penny, I can't. I can't tell my own
father he can't come to my wedding. Oh,

please, Biff. After the wedding, we can
have a nice long visit with him. Okay.

Hello, Pop.

Yeah, Biff.

Look, Pop.

Uh -huh.

Yeah, Biff.

Oh, sure, kid. Sure, sure. I understand.
Don't think anything about it.

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Sure, Biff.

And Biff, all the happiness in the
world, kid.

Goodbye, son.

You understand?

Pockets, not slits.

Pockets! Pockets! Here,

Fender, I won't eat this. Wait a minute,
what's that?

You won't eat?

I get it. Isn't that wonderful? The
Windiates want him to come as he is, a

sergeant. Did I tell you once? The
bigger they are, the nicer they are.

we ain't going to the wedding.

You mean we ain't going to the wedding?
Biff is getting married. We're not going

to the wedding. Oh, what's the
difference? It's a long trip, just for

and I'd feel out of place. Just a
minute.

Biff don't want you at the wedding?
Well, it's not Biff, exactly. It's just,

well, there's some misunderstanding.
They're a pretty high -class family.

a broken -down, regular Army sergeant.
Hold the phone. What do you mean, broken

-down sergeant? Now, look here, Ernie.

If it's all right with Biff, it's all
right with me. Now, just a minute. It

be all right with you, it may be all
right with Biff, and it may be all right

with the Wingates, but it's not all
right with me. Now, Ernie, don't start.

quiet. I'm not doing this for you.

I'm doing this for every red -blooded
American soldier who has the right to

mingle with millionaires. Fender! Get
this suit and pack it. Wait a minute.

about the alterations? Put in the needle
and thread. Mrs. Wingate will fix it.

I've picked out a program. Oh, yeah?
Mozart. We're going to kick off with...

Mozart. What,

Rodney? Sergeant Bilko to see you. A
sergeant? Now, really, Rodney? Sergeant

Bilko, Army Intelligence.

Army Intelligence? Now, who are these
people? Well, they're all... Never mind.

want them all fingerprinted.

And search the grounds.

These doors will have to be bolted.
Bolted? Well, there must be some

Mistake? You are the mother of the young
lady who's marrying the young man whose

father's in the army?

Yes. Is the father's name... Is

this the father's name?

Yes. See? No!

Please, just nod your head. Don't
mention names. Is this the name? Just

Then there's no mistake.

You want those trees removed? It's too
easy for a sniper to take a pot shot at

him. Him? Him? I ask you not to
mention... Now, is this the name?

Yes, Sergeant.

No names. Chew on that. All right.

I need accommodations for the Secret
Service men when they get here. They'll

here a day before the wedding.

The guests will have to be searched.

Guests searched?

Yes. I'll leave the minister at the
discretion from that to you. I want no

incidents. You understand, Mrs. Wingate?
No incidents at all. We have this...

Oh, yes. I know he's there. Don't be
alarmed. I knew all this. I know he's

behind me. I know.

Who are you?

Hands up!

Who are you?

I'm the caterer. All right, you know the
wedding cake will be x -rayed, and you

ought to taste everything before he eats
it. He?

He,

yes, he. And that's all we refer to him
as he. Now, about the wedding

procession. The secret servicemen will
be bridesmaids. You understand that?

Now, you tell your daughter no sudden
moves, like tossing the bridal bouquet,

men are instructed to shoot, anything
that moves. Now, this is ridiculous.

It cannot be some mistake. He's just a
sergeant, this man. Bless you.

You just keep referring to him as that.
You mean he's more? No, no, no, no, no.

What is he?

Just the sort.

Good girl. Oh, take a message. Call a
Pentagon, get the head of staff and give

them the following message.

Fish on Friday, Elsie is here. Fish on
Friday.

This little mention that his father was
this important. Of course not, my dear

lady. You think we'd tell even the next
of kin?

Oh, I see him. I know he's big.

Don't worry, I knew all the time. Who
are you? I'm the officer.

The orchestra leader. Now, when he gets
here, you know, to play Hail to the

Chief. Now, I'll go down, down.

That can only be played for the
president. Please, no names.

All right, dismissed. Oh,

yes,

this is all well organized. Now, this
picture intrigues me. Behind her, we'll

put the machine guns. The secret service
will like them. Oh, I know she's here.

I saw her the minute I came. I was well
aware.

Oh! Can you vouch for her? Oh, yes, yes.

Is this the dress you're making for her?
I want five more duplicates.

Five, yes. It would be excellent for the
Secret Service man. Helps conceal the

radar. Oh, I had no idea his father was
a reporter.

Why do you do this? You are a citizen.
You want to protect the country. Why do

you mention names? What is he?

That's all you... Did you get the
message? Yes, fish on Friday. No, no,

that. What did they say to you?

Someone told me to get off the phone and
hide. Girl, girl, I'm not interested in

your babbling. What were the exact
words?

They said, get off the phone, you idiot.
Idiot, the key word. Where's the code

number?

I -D -I -O -T.

Would you do di -ta -ta -ta? Do that. Di
-ta -ta -ta. Di -ta -ta -ta. I see. It

all fits.

No good.

Why? Why not? You won't be here.

Why not? Why not? The staff won't allow
the sergeant. He can't come. It's too

much of a risk.

Risk? Well, you must understand, with
international cold seasons, in fact, why

they can't allow the sergeant to come to
this wedding. But he has to come to

this wedding. No, he doesn't. We can't
allow the sergeant to be associated with

a family that, shall we say, are
undesirable.

Undesirable? Why, we're one of the
oldest families in America.

Older than the Benedict Arnold?

Well, I bet you're a very nice family,
really.

So are the Borgias.

I'll take that. Never mind.

X -42 reporting. Who?

Do we have an operator named Una?

I'm Una. Is that you?

Mark that name down. It's foreign
sounding. Una.

Oh, Houghton.

Houghton, we have to have the sergeant
at the wedding. I can't promise you

I'm sorry. Yes, but, oh, Houghton.

Houghton is the most important man that
you can... Houghton!

Won't talk, eh?

We have ways of making men talk.

Plan XT -4200.

I have to leave now. You're in complete
charge.

No one's to leave this room. Yes, sir.
Oh, but Sergeant... Just where do you

think you're going, baby? Sergeant!

I don't know for the last time.

I've had Biff's family checked.

I don't care what song and dance Bilko
gave you. Biff's father is just a

sergeant, and I don't want him at the
wedding.

Well, what would the Commodore say?

No.

Yes? There's a Sergeant Bilko to see
you.

Well, good. Send him in.

Sergeant Bilko, Army Intelligence. This
will just take a moment. My wife told me

there's some stupid Army cake.

You are the father of the bride?

Hope you wouldn't get the third.

Wedding license, please. Wedding
license? How dare you?

You don't think we of the general staff
will allow the sergeant to attend the

wedding without a clear check, do you?

Let him attend?

He's not coming to the wedding.

That's for the general staff to decide,
isn't it? General staff? Why, he's just

a sergeant.

Isn't he?

Let's just keep it that way. He's just a
sergeant. Oh, you mean he's a... This

is the new army, Mr. Wingate.

While the enemy is busy watching what
they think are generals, we of the

echelon are properly camouflaged. Oh,
you mean you yourself are... What am I?

Just a sergeant.

Just a sergeant. Let's keep it that way.
However, I don't expect you to

understand you have no military
background.

Oh, what are you talking about?

During the war, I was a major general.

On whose side? Our side, of course.

Which side is our side? Now, quickly,
without thinking, which side is our

On the side of America.

North or south? What do you mean, North
or south?

You should know the difference between
North and South America.

Oh, naturally, I know the difference.

South America. Do you prefer it?

What are you talking about? Do you like
South America or North? You do. Why?

Why? Why, yes. You like the climate here
better? You like highlight instead of

baseball? What is it? What do you prefer
about South America? I prefer North

America because I was born here.

Birth certificate, please.

I don't have to prove anything to you.

Like to change some of your answers?

No. I don't want any more questions. I
don't blame you. I was getting a little

warm there, wasn't I? What are you
talking about? It was a little

that question about which side of the
war you are. You were a little evasive,

weren't you? Which side? I've had
enough.

Get out of my office. Well, there's no
reason for temper. I'm just trying to do

my work. Oh, I understand.

You understand there's no hard feelings?

No, none at all. This protects you as
much as it does us. Well, I must be

Good day, sir.

Ah! Thunder!

Ah!

moment you were back in the dear old
days in Berlin, weren't you? Are you

kidding me?

Crazy. Crazy not to recognize a Prussian
officer masquerading as an American

businessman. Are you out of your mind?
Come clean, Herr von Wingate.

How did you get out? Yes, how did you
get out? In the submarine with him to

South America?

Oh, that was the clue. South America,
when you started babbling, I knew. With

him? Oh, it's so obvious. Oh, so
obvious. The close -shaven Prussian

the precise way of speaking, so you can
cover the guttural sound of your native

language, and oh, they've healed.

The scars you got in Heidelberg, they
healed, didn't they? I can prove that I

was in the American army. Can you
indeed? I've got my discharge.

Recommendations. Recommendations here.

Just a minute. What would they prove? If
you did prove anything, there would

always be that doubt, wouldn't there?
Doubt? Why?

Because the sergeant didn't attend the
wedding.

What do you mean?

You know what people would think? The
sergeant didn't attend his own son's

wedding. They'd say there must be
something wrong with that family.

highly undesirable.

I never thought of that.

Well, think of it. Now I must be off.
There's a lot of dirty wash in some

Wingate closet I got to uncover.
Houghton! Houghton! No, wait. Well, I

know this was to be a boon meeting.

What does he mean?

Now, wait a minute.

Sergeant, wait.

Get me the Commodore and his club.

Please, Bilko, wait.

If the Sergeant doesn't attend his own
son's wedding, the scandal will ruin us.

Oh, I don't know what I can do. Oh,
please.

Well, perhaps I'll do something after
all. Blood is thicker than red tape. The

Commodore has got to understand.

Hello. Father?

This is Holden. Well, I... Holden!

Your son!

I was... Your son!

Yes!

Now, Father, the sergeant must come to
the... Father!

Father!

Oh, no, he hung up.

I wonder what he's trying to hide. Well,
we'll see. We'll see. Well, I must be

off. Help!

Help! Help!

Oh, you've got to be stopping! You've
got to be stopping!

The army must make the sergeant come
here.

Get me my cousin, General Davis, in
Berlin.

I mean... Your

move, Commodore.

Commodore, it's your move.

Oh,

Arlington, excuse me.

Oh, I'm sorry. Members only, and they
have to be officers, you know.

Uh, come on. Just a minute.

Sergeant Bilgo, Army Intelligence?

Army Intelligence. Is there something
wrong?

Oh, I'm sorry.

This is highly confidential. You
understand?

Oh, of course, yes. Do you have a member
in this August nation of Satan

Commodore Wingate? Commodore Wingate?
Why, yes. He founded this club. There he

is. Heaven's men, don't point your
snodge ahead. Is that him over there?

that's him.

Just a quiet investigation. I expect you
to treat this in a highly confidential

manner. Of course. Uh, this is Commodore
Wingate. What does he do when he comes

to the club?

Oh, he... He discusses things with his
friends and he sits down and reads his

paper. What paper?

The Wall Street Journal, of course.

What paper is he really reading inside
the Wall Street Journal? Inside the Wall

Street Journal? Is it the Daily Worker?
The Commodore reading the Daily Worker?

Now, in his views that he discusses with
these friends, are they ever on the

radical side?

Commodore, a communist?

I didn't say that, now, did I?

No, you didn't. Now, tell me one more
thing. On May Day, does he come in here

with his feet aching like he's been
marching?

On May Day?

You understand this is just an
investigation. We have very little to go

these pictures.

Oh, yes.

Red Square, Moscow.

This is an interesting one.

Lenin with his arm around the Commodore.

Oh, this is one. The Commodore
introducing Tito to Molotov.

Here's one he must treasure.

The Commodore, a pallbearer at Stalin's
funeral.

Of course, this is very flimsy evidence,
but it's all we have to go on.

A communist, are you sure? I didn't say
anything. I'm just new on this case. All

I know is the army considers him such a
bad risk, they won't allow the sergeant

to come to the wedding. The sergeant?

This is highly confidential. You
understand that? Of course, of course.

your name?

Andrews. First name? Adolf.

Adolf.

Oh, dear.

My son, a corporal. What will the
Commodore say?

Then where did you get that title of
Commodore? In the Spanish -American War,

you weren't a Commodore with Admiral
Dewey. You were just a bugle boy.

Oh, grandfather.

Keep this quiet. You ought to be ashamed
of yourself for not wanting a sergeant

at a wedding.

You should be honored to have a man like
Sergeant Bentonhurst, who's devoted his

life to the Army.

Sergeant Wilco. Yes, sir. Speak over.
Gladly, sir. All right, hit a break. Get

those shoulders back. Get that stuff in.
And that mustache has got to go. It's

against speculation.

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