All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s02e15 Bilko Gets Some Sleep

Well, all except one, sir. I wonder
which one that is. it be.

Please don't be too hard on Sergeant
Bilko.

Yesterday he got word that his favorite
Uncle Felix had passed away.

His uncle? You mean he had one left?

But this time it's true, sir. He even
broke a date with me last night so he

could be alone.

Maybe that explains why he's a little
behind on his report. A little behind?

hasn't even reported Pearl Harbor yet.

Send for my jeep. Oh, excuse me, sir.
Sergeant Bilko said that your jeep is

still being given its 5 ,000 mile
checkup. Every time I want my jeep, he's

giving it a check.

If we went into battle...

I'd be the only commanding officer who
had to lead his troops in a taxi cam.

When you see him, tell him I want to
talk to him. Yes, I will.

Hi, Joan.

Check out these growth prerequisites for
me, would you please? Okay.

What's the matter with you?

Oh, I can't take those all -night poker
sessions with Bilko anymore.

Wait a minute.

Ernie was in a poker game last night?

Are you kidding? He was the whole game.

And a deck of cards in his hands is like
a guided missile.

Oh, Miss Sergeant Ritzing, the Patricia
Borgia of the armed forces. Go,

sorcerer. Mix your pots and pans.

Well, well, good morning. Oh, no, don't
look at me. I forgot my sunglasses.

Your blinding beauty is just too much
for me.

How are you, dear?

Ah, it's quiet around here.

I'm just observing a moment of silence
for the memory of your dear Uncle Felix.

Uncle who?

Uncle Felix, yes.

How touching.

He was like a brother to me. Oh, don't
you lie to me. Lie?

Ernie Bilbo, you look me straight in the
eye and you tell me that your Uncle

Felix died yesterday.

I didn't say he died yesterday. Why do
you twist everything I say around?

I merely say I heard about it yesterday.

As a matter of fact, my uncle died in
1914.

I was just a kid then. And my folks
wanted to keep it from me until I was

enough to stand a shot.

Well, here's another shot for you. I
don't want to see you again. Oh, wait a

minute, Johnny. Let me explain. You say
you're explanation to the Colonel. He

wants to see you.

What?

He wants to see me. Now what?

This is Colonel Hall. When a catchy cab
comes up to the gate, let him through.

It's for me.

Colonel Hall, sir, did you want to see
me, sir?

Oh, Sergeant Bilko, aren't you up a
little early? It's only 11 .30. Oh,

sir? Did the noise of honest soldiers
working wake you up? Oh, really?

Give me a leader with a sense of humor.
There are so few, you have to go way

back to Alexander the Great. Quiet!

Yes, sir.

I've reached a big decision.

I've decided to relieve you of the
command of this post and take over

Oh, really, sir? I do the best I can.

Oh, you're pulling my legs, sir. He's
constantly chuckling me along.

Oh, I don't believe I've had the
pleasure. Oh, come now, Sergeant.

Colonel, you didn't tell me there was a
major film company on location here at

Fort Baxter, sir? Here it comes. I'd
like to meet Miss Taylor, or is it

Elizabeth to you, sir? Oh, don't stop
it.

Oh, bless my soul, it's Mrs. Hall.

Oh, my dear, if you get any younger,
we'll be losing you now. Just press me.

Quiet! Are you going to the locker room
festival with the other kids with the

blue suede shoes? Oh, you'll be there.
Quiet!

Yes, sir.

Here we go. I want no more
interruptions. Yes, sir.

If you can spare the time, I'd like to
discuss some military matters with you.

Spare the time? Really, sir? My time is
your time.

Remember him? My time. He's sort of
really bad. Oh, that was way before your

time. You would... That's what your
mother told you about. He works for the

megaphone. He sings... Get there.

My Jeep has been in your shop for three
weeks. Why?

May I ask the Colonel his age?

What does my age have to do with the
fact that I never see my Jeep? It's

this, sir.

You have the legs of a young man in his
twenties.

Legs of steel and yet with the spring of
a young panther. And why, sir?

Because you do more walking than any
other colonel in the United States Army.

I know I do. Now you're going to.

Until your reports are up to date, until
my chief is fixed, I forbid you the use

of any military vehicle.

But, sir, I'm due in town.

Walk. Walk?

You know my leg, the shrapnel that I was
in. Last week it was your other leg.

My leg?

Oh, Johnny's poor leg.

You'll walk?

Walk. Yes, sir.

You are sweet. Really sweet.

Taxi for Grand Hall?

Let's go.

Yes, Colonel.

Got the nuts and candy? Yeah. Good. That
helps the losers forget. I broke out a

new deck and I got the chips ready.
Fine, fine.

Well, where are my pigeons?

Grover and Pendleton are asleep and
Ritzik's wife won't let them out. Oh,

whole night in front of me with nothing
to do. I got to go.

How about you guys? Sarge. Look, I'll
play blindfold and make it even, all

right? Sarge, we've got to get up in the
morning. Up. You get some sleep, Ernie.

Sleep at 10 o 'clock at night, Sarge.

Oh, nuts.

Sleep, sleep.

Not a light.

One that the gods want to play. I bet a
man.

Sleep.

Yeah.

Might as well take a crack at the sun.

Who am I kidding? I can't sleep this
early.

Sure, everybody's asleep but me. Can't
sleep, eh, Ernest?

Who said that? I did.

Where did you come from? I've always
been here.

You have?

Yes, Ernest, I'm your conscience.

My conscience? Why, haven't I heard from
you before?

I couldn't get a word in edgewise.

There I was in your head, trying to warn
you, hollering, shouting, but you never

heard me.

Is that what that was?

I thought it was a sinus condition.

Why can't I sleep?

Because your mind is so busy scheming to
outwit your colonel. And he's a

wonderful man, Ernest. I know, I know. I
try to treat him like an equal.

And how about Joan?

Joan? Yes, you've been going with her
for five years. Have you once brought up

the subject of marriage?

Oh, yes.

Not in front of her, but I've brought it
up.

Ernest, here, look. Look at your platoon
out there.

All of them sleeping like babies because
they're honest, hard -working soldiers.

Why don't you be like them? Let me help
you to become an honest human being

again. Yes, an honest human being. Don't
listen to him, Ernie. Who's that?

Who are you? I'm your ego. My ego?

Yeah, glad to see you. Glad to see you.

That's it, so there's what you really
are.

And you?

I'm what you think you are. Not bad,
huh? Yeah, yeah.

Ernest, don't listen to him. Beat it,
square.

I'm not listening.

As long as he made the trip, I'll just
pretend I'm listening. Ernest! Quiet!

Please, please.

Now, look, pal, what are you worried
about, huh?

You're doing all right. I am? Sure.

Well, you buttered up that colonel, huh?
Buttered up his old lady. Funny, funny.

You like that, huh? I dug it all the
way. You dug it real good, huh? And the

you took the colonel's cab?

Yeah. Good boy.

Ernest, don't listen to him. Oh, please,
please.

Now, listen, as far as this girl of
yours, Joan, is concerned...

Now, keep stringing her along, see, but
no marriage, huh? Oh, it's the furthest

thing from my mind. Good boy. Ernest,
listen.

Please, I'm not. Now, listen, as far as
dames in general are concerned, you know

you can do a lot better. I can?

Look at me good. Yeah?

There's a hot hook of stuff dancing down
at the Silver Palace in town.

Yeah? Ernest, please, I'm not listening.
I'm working on her for you. You are?

Let me tell you how she's built. How,
how, how? Ernest, don't listen. How,

how, how? Look.

It's going to take a little money.

Money. But I get a lot of slick
gimmicks. He will shake it loose from

petunia. For shame, for shame. He'll
take them for every dime. Take them. Oh,

leave him alone, you fiend. Leave him
alone. I didn't make a square out of

Leave me alone.

Sarge, leave me alone.

What's the matter?

What's the matter? Oh, it's you. I want
you to meet two fellas.

Where are they? Who?

Never mind. Sarge, you must have had a
nightmare. Why don't you go to sleep?

no, no. I can't sleep. I want to talk to
you. Sit down a minute. I must talk to

you. Sarge, we've got a big day
tomorrow. Yeah, we've got to help

move off the post. Captain Adams? Yeah,
you know, the post psychiatrist.

Psychiatrist? Yeah, the head doctor.

He requested a transfer. Said he didn't
have one case in a whole year. How about

that? How about that? Who needs him?

It's okay.

Listen, fellas, I'm going to help you
move him in the morning. Oh, we don't

him. No, no, I got nothing to do. I can
use the exercise. Go on, get in the

sack, fellas. See you in the morning.
We'll help move the guy. Good night.

we leave in half an hour.

Yes, I'll pick you up.

Captain Adams, sir?

Sergeant Bilger reporting. We have a
truck outside, sir. I'm all packed. Move

it, boys. Leave the couch. What side?
Leave the couch. Just take the curtains.

Captain, I never had the pleasure of
meeting you while you were on the post.

I've met hardly anyone on this post.
That's why I'm leaving. Oh, isn't that

bad? Gently.

Handle that gently, boys.

That's precious instruments you're
handling.

Captain, I have this friend of mine. He
can't sleep a wink at night. He keeps

hearing voices. Voices? Yes, sir. And I
think you referred to him as his

conscience and his ego. Project?

Oh, yes, sir. We'll have you moved in no
time at all. So leave the couch.

Leave the couch.

Just take that truck.

Handle it carefully, boys. You may be
handling scientific instruments worth a

fortune. This is not GI issue, Captain.

Careful now. Gently.

Yes, this friend of mine, his conscience
and his ego keep pounding at him. Night

after night, he can't sleep a wink, sir.
This friend of yours? Yes, sir. He's a

lovely fellow. Everybody loves him. I'd
love to help him. Yes, I do hope you

like your new poster. Leave the couch.
It's all right. Just wait outside in the

truck. I'll handle it. Yeah, but the
couch... Just leave it. It's very heavy.

I'll take care of it. Leave it.

This friend of mine, he's the gentlest,
the kindest fellow you ever met. This

friend of yours, who can't sleep?

Yes, sir. By any chance, would he be a
master sergeant?

Does he wear glasses?

Oh, good heavens, sir, you thought I
was... Oh, no, sir.

I'm as normal as Bruber every time.

You thought I was using a substance. Oh,
no, sir. I'm rather just, as you see. I

need help!

Yes, sir. Now, I know that it's
difficult to talk. Yes, sir. But I'm

help you, and I want you to remember
that. Yes, sir. So you just tell me now

what it is that's troubling you. Well,
sir, I have difficulty in talking to

people. But, sir, everybody out of post
is against me. The colonel is against

me. He thinks I'm always goofing off in
my work. And my girl over there has a

case for you. She doesn't believe a word
I say. And I'm honest, you see. I'm a

homebody. I think she's been stringing
me along. She never intended to get

married. I wanted to get married. And
then the boys in the platoon, they're

constantly rejecting me. Anything I say,
I give them all my affection, but they

reject me, sir. I guess they take
advantage of me, account of my... father

complex, sir. Your father complex? Yes,
sir. Don't you see, sir?

It's the id complex versus the libido,
sir. When they're rejecting me, it's not

me they're rejecting, sir.

They're rejecting a dream image.

Freud said it in his thesis about the
male element as rejection of the male

image, sir. Oh, I don't have to tell you
about it so you know more about it. It

all came out in Freud's debate with
Spinoza many years ago in Budapest.

came out with a theory that destroyed
Schopenhauer's theory of the Oedipus

complex.

Spinoza himself, a devoted disciple of
Schopenhauer, screamed at Freud. He

Zygmunt, you are insane!

Freud went right back and says, Barry,
listen to me. I know what I'm saying.

Come on. We've seen the frustrations
there. Freud came right out with the

theories that you mentioned.

We've talked about the sadism, the inner
masochism. Now, you see her in Joan, an

inner masochism. She denies everything I
say. She knows it's the truth. But in

her rejection, she reverts to masochism
and denies everything I say. Why?

It's a rejection of me. I don't know
where it came from, sir. Maybe before

was even born, her mother hated glasses.

I don't know, sir. But Freud said it.
Freud came out with the theories. He

called us the incumbents. And it's
manifestation in the rejection theory.

heterogeneity cycles, it's a bedlam of
guilt. You see it on the posts of the

colonel and the men. The colonel
salutes. The men salute.

Salute. Salute. What is that salute,
sir? It's a symbol of insecurity. Don't

see what it says in essence?

It says, love me. I love you. Want me. I
want you. In the bedlam of conflict.

The in -conflict versus the alter ego.
The manifestation of the theories of the

heterogeneity cycle. It's as plain as
the nose of my face, sir. I see it. Why

can't I sleep?

Now, Sergeant, I would say to begin with
that you seem to have a compulsion to

exaggerate, to color the truth.

Exaggerate? I'm the essence of honesty,
sir. Well, perhaps I could be wrong.

Yes, sir. Why don't we start at the
beginning? Yes, sir.

Tell me, what time do you get up in the
morning? Oh, like any other normal

soldier, sir. I'm up at the crack. The
truth?

Noon. Noon.

And how do you get along with your
fellow men? Oh, I get along fine. They

love me, sir. The truth?

They hate me.

Your girlfriend? She hates me.

About the colonel. He hates me, sir. I
don't understand. You hate me. No, I

don't. Everybody hates me. I'd better
call my wife. Your wife hates me. No,

Sergeant. They all hate me, sir. No,
Sergeant, you could turn this hate into

love. I can't. Yes. Take me by the hand,
Guy. Now,

Sergeant, you're a soldier.

Start living like a soldier. Yes, sir.
Get up in the morning with your men. Get

up with the men. Do your job. I hear
you.

And it's high, high here in the field.
I'll tell you good morning, men.

That was Sergeant Bilko.

Sergeant Bilko. Six o 'clock in the
morning.

It's over. You're still asleep.

Hey,

quiet, fellas. That was Bilko in there.

Bilko? Are you crazy? He splashed on me.
I saw him.

Six o 'clock in the morning.

Hey,

it's Bilko, all right.

How could it be?

Everybody's staring. Well, it's not just
that you're rough like everybody else.

Of course, it's a great feeling. I'm
just another human being.

I know, and we're human beings too, but
we've come to look upon you as some sort

of sun god.

That's a great feeling to be up in the
morning. Boys, we've got a lot of work

do. I've got to fill out the reports.
Take your time, but it's a full day's

work. Hey, hey, hey.

Field artillery.

What is he up to? He's up to something.
He's up to something. But what? What?

Boys, we're in trouble.

I thought he was rather sweet.

Jerk. He's softening us up with
something.

Yeah, but what? He's drained us out of
all of the money, boys.

I think what we've been afraid of for
these past few years is finally going to

happen. What's he going to do?

The only thing that's left.

He's going to sell us into slavery.

Good morning.

Take care of these reports, dear.

Ernie? Of course.

Just handing in my morning reports. Is
there a law against that?

7 .30 in the morning and you're up?
Well, of course, like any other master

sergeant. Why not? What do you think the
army pays me for?

Well, I often wondered. I thought maybe
you had something on the chief of staff.

I'm sorry. I really didn't mean it to
be... It's all right, Joan. I deserved

But things are going to be different
around here now.

How do you mean different? Different
between you and I.

Did you ever think of investigating a
little old American custom called

marriage? Marriage? Of course.

Ernie, you all right?

Better than I've ever been in my life.

See you in a minute.

Morning, Edna. You're looking lovely.

Ken Law?

Sergeant Bilko reporting, sir.

Oh, Bilko. I didn't realize it was so
late. Time for lunch.

7 .30, sir.

My, the time certainly flew by this
morning.

What did you say? I said it was 7 .30,
sir.

7 .30?

My goodness, I must have worked through
till dinner time.

Sir, sir, please, you don't understand.

It's 7 .30 a .m.

7 .30 in the morning and you're here?

Of course, sir.

Now, on these reports up in the motor
pool, I thought if we assigned a couple

extra men, we could have the... Can I
know?

Oh, I'll be all right. I just need a
little time to think this over. Of

sir. Now, sir, about your Jeep, sir. My
Jeep? Yes. You mean you finished

checking it? Oh, no, it's not ready yet,
sir. Oh, good, good. I began to think

the whole world was going crazy.

Your Jeep isn't ready, sir.

But your staff car is.

What staff car? Your staff car.

I have a staff car? Well, of course,
sir.

It's been here for six months, sir.

It has? Yes. What does it look like?
Well, it's a khaki four -door sedan.

quite lovely, sir. Oh, that car. I
thought that belonged to you.

I was just given an extreme road test to
see that it was safe by a commanding

officer. Oh, thank you. Would you like
to look at it, sir? It's right outside.

Here, here.

Is it a doozy, sir?

And it's all right for me to drive it?

Sir, it's your car.

Why? I have a staff car. Well, of
course, sir. Sir, my big wish for you is

drive it in good health, sir. Thank you,
sir. Oh, wait.

It's amazing.

What's amazing, sir? Well, I've never
seen you in the sunlight before. I

you were a much shorter man.

Really, sir, you're going to see a lot
of me in the sunlight, sir.

Working, drilling, working, drilling.

Yes, yes.

What is he up to?

I have a staff car.

Why did he do it?

Why did you let me have him?

Why?

Why?

Why? Why?

Has he gone?

Who? Bilko. Oh, yes, sir. Get me
Lieutenant Samuels. Yes, I will.

Did he seem strange to you?

I never saw him like that before in all
my life. Neither did I.

John, Sergeant Bilko has just been
showing me our new car.

Come, let's take a ride. Stay away from
that car.

Don't.

Why, John?

Don't put your foot on the starter.
Lieutenant Samuels.

Lieutenant Samuels. Colonel Hall.

John, what is it? Quiet.

Lieutenant Samuels, I want you to send
over your best demolition man

immediately.

Why? I think there's a bomb planted in
my staff car.

I want you to have him check every inch
of it.

John, you don't mean it.

I know I was hard on him yesterday. I
knew he'd try to get even, but murder.

Murder?

Sergeant Hogan. Yes? If anything happens
to us, I want you to be a witness.

Yes, sir. Come here.

A witness?

So that's why he wants to marry me?

A wife can't testify against her own
husband?

Oh, boys, you should have seen the look
on Doberman's face when I tucked him and

I could have kissed him.

Boys, it's after nine o 'clock. By
itself, we've got a big date about a 20

hike. I'm looking forward to it. Good
night, fellas.

Good night.

I've got to find out. I've got to find
out.

Sarge, what's going on?

He's asleep already.

Asleep? Him?

Come on.

Did you see that smile on his face? He
knows something. He knows something. The

guys are all asleep. I wish I could
sleep. Come on, we're going to the tree

have a cigarette. Don't be anybody
there.

I don't know. I just can't sleep.

What is he up to? You guys should know.
What is he up to? We don't know. We

don't know. He's got us going good this
time. Look, let's put all our money

together. Every dime, we'll put it in
front of his door.

Then maybe he won't do it. Do what?

I don't know.

I'll tell you something bigger than
that. Now, don't laugh at me. Don't

me. He sold us to somebody. He sold us
to somebody.

Hey, look.

What is it? I'm here, sir.

I'm busy with another patient.

Another? I thought I was your only
patient, sir. Now, please, just sit

Sergeant, and wait your turn. Yes, sir.

Somebody else needs help.

Strange.

So, Colonel, you see, nobody really
wants to harm you. It's terrible,

Yesterday in the assembly, when they
sang the Star Spangled Banner and came

the part, bombs bursting in air, I
ducked under the table. Yes, it takes

Time and patience.

I see you didn't get any sleep last
night. I need help.

So you see, Sergeant, just because a man
gets up at six o 'clock in the morning

and proposes marriage is no reason to
suspect him.

He thinks I'm in cahoots with Bilko.

After 25 years of marriage, I have to
taste his food before he leaves.

He's a good man.

It's just a phase that he's going
through.

So remember, men, you have nothing to
fear except fear itself.

laws against slavery.

Well, Belko will get around them.

Paula, Paula, just a minute. Belko, why
are you bargaining the captain?

Sergeant, what have you done to this
post?

All I did was try to get a good night's
sleep, sir. But nobody else is. Will you

do something? Now I need help.

What's going on here? Can't sleep? Well,
I'll see that you do. There's a new

schedule. Back to the old world.

There'll be Monte Carlo every night.

Just a minute.

There'll be 25 cents a shot at the rifle
range. Get the cupid dolls ready.

Quiet! Now you men come back next
Wednesday.

Sir, Captain.

We're back to normal now. We just won't
have time.

Nothing to it, sir. They just were a
little confused.

They think I know where we put it,
Captain.

Oh, Colonel, I've been looking all over.
Sir, I'll have to take your staff car

back and put it back and repass. You're
taking it back? Yes, sir, and I'm afraid

there'll be no morning reports for a
while, sir. No report?

I think it's kind of silly to get up
that early in the morning, sir. As a

of fact, I've left strict instructions
with Corporal Barbella. If we're to be

attacked, he must wake me immediately.
He knows that, sir. Colonel, did you

to see me? Everything is fine.

Everything's back to normal.

Let me handle it, son. They were just a
little confused. But there's always

Sergeant Hogan. Oh, as a matter of fact,
here she comes now. Let me handle that

little lady, sir. Thank you, Sergeant.
Here, here, hold the phone. Just a

minute. What's with you going to see a
head doctor? What's the matter with you?

Ernie, ever since you asked me to marry
you... Hold that just a minute. Who

asked who to marry who?

You asked me to marry... Have you got it
in writing? Have you got any witnesses?

What is this nonsense about marriage?
You know I can't marry you. I'm in

mourning for my dear Uncle Felix.

Ernie, you're lying to me again. Now,
would I lie to you? You're the only girl

in the world for me.

I wish I could believe that. Well, I
just said it.

That means you can believe it. Oh.

Let me worry about things.

Don't trouble your little... You know,
you're the only girl in the world for

Go on, honey, relax.

You're the only girl I'll ever be
interested in.

What'd you say her name was?

Zsa Zsa Lamour. Uh -huh. She's expecting
you tonight at the Silver Pound. All

righty. Now, this is what you gotta do.
Oh, just stay away from him. I said...

Shut up, Ponch. You just caused enough
trouble.

Now, don't you build me up to come out
to be gone.

Good boy.

Robert Webber was the ego.

Stanley Simmons played the conscience.

Hope Sandsbury was Mrs.

Hall. And Joe E. Ross played Sergeant
Ritzing.