All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s02e09 A Mess Sergeant Cant Win

Under the N -32.

Under the... Oh, hold it. Gentlemen, we
have visitors. Pull up a chair. It's

only ten cents a card. An excellent
chance to win an army blanket. What

it? Do you mind if I talk to the boys in
the off -patron? Not at all, buddy boy.

Gentlemen, we are about to be addressed
with a few kind words from Sergeant

Grover. Let's show them into Platoon
Hospitality.

Look, fellas, we're all chipping in the
run. Miss Sergeant Ritzick, a going

-away party. Now, Ritzick is a real...
Ritzick?

Where's he gone?

Where's he gone? Didn't you read the
order today?

Ritzick's hitch was up. He's not re
-enlisted.

Ritzick? Leaving the Army? Yeah,
Ritzick, your pet pigeon.

I know just how you feel.

It's like Rockefeller's oil well
suddenly drying up. All right, boys, to

piece down, give it to Sergeant Penley.

Put me down for $20.

$20? Yeah, that's what I won on a bet
from him last week. Here it is.

I'm sorry, Ernie.

Sorry? What are you sorry about? Well,
when we told Riddick about the party, he

said okay, but on one condition.

What was that? That you won't be there.

He's kidding you. We were in the South
Pacific together.

Look, Ernie, that's the way he wants it.

Don't forget, fellas, the party will be
at 8 .15 at the mess hall, Saturday

night. Will it be James Grover? Yeah, be
careful who you bring. His wife will be

there. We will let you. I want to bring
that claw with you.

What a doll.

Look, Sarge, Ritzik is just steamed
because he never beats you at betting.

That's another thing. That's business.
But not wanting me at his farewell

Oh, no.

This I got to hear from his own lips.

Finally, after 15 years, you're...

Made of getting a little intelligence
into your head. Am I glad you're leaving

this army. I wouldn't care if there was
only an enemy to save. But Bilker was

just too much.

As long as he's on this post, you'll
never have a dime.

All these years I've stood by silently.

Silently? Yes, stood by watching you
make a chump out of yourself with those

bets of his.

Well, that's all over now. Come in.

Hiya, Mrs. Ritchie. Hiya, Rupert. Stay
away from him, Rupert. Well, I just

that he's leaving the army. I mean,
after all, we've been together 15 years.

years that you're milking him out of
every dime with those bets. Oh, please,

Mrs.

Ritchie. Dayton's leaving, Sergeant
Philco. We're going out into civilian

where men like you are putting jail.

Now, you know in your heart you don't
mean that.

There's something I must hear from
Rupert's own lips. Stay away from him,

Rupert. Now, Rupert, did you actually
say you didn't want me at your farewell

party? Yes, that's exactly what he said.

Without a handshake? Without a goodbye?
That's right.

He's through making bets with you.

He's got $400 saved up. And you're not
going to get that on any bet with him

because he's going to keep every cent of
it. And we're going out to Peoria to

open a little luncheonette.

That's it. Is this true?

You heard me.

$400 to open a nonchalant? You've got no
chance. These days I won't even buy you

two stools. You'll need more money.

I got it. I'll run you a testimonial
dinner. You'll do nothing. Just leave us

alone. But look... No!

Is this your final word, Rupert? Stay
away from me, Rupert!

She's a lovely woman. You've got to love
her.

You've got to love her.

You've got it all listed there? See for
yourself, Sarge. We've got every bet

down that you've ever made with her.

We were going to send it in to believe
it or not.

This guy's phenomenal. This is the
unluckiest.

Look at this. Look who we bet on in the
1948 Kentucky Derby.

Trigger.

What does an old dog love to?

$375. Oh, I could make it an even $400
that I want from him, and I'm going to

give it back to him.

You're going to give it back?

Yeah. He's thinking of opening a
luncheonette with $400. What chance has

With $800, he's got a chance in these
days to stay in business.

Where are you going to get $400?

Boys, I... Eddie, I... You

know, we're missing a bet with this
platoon. We should enter them into the

Olympics.

Besides, they've been burned once too
often. Besides, there ain't $20 among

of them. Look, I gotta raise $400 for
Ritzik if I have to sell everything I

You can't... That's it.

Sell everything I own.

You mean all this junk in your room?

Junk? How dare you? You call these
hallowed war souvenirs junk? You call

early American prints junk? These
precious possessions junk indeed.

Take some notes. I want this converted
into posters and put it all over the

post. Attention, attention, attention.

Sale at tremendous loss of the entire
estate of Sergeant E. Bilko.

Come on, come on.

Free entertainment, free refreshments,
if available.

25 cents. 50 cents.

One buck. A buck and a half. A buck 60.
Stop it. Stop the sale. Stop the sale.

A buck 60? A dollar 60 indeed for a
television set?

A dollar 60 for this electronic marvel
that brings the finest entertainment in

the world into your drab existence?

A dollar... Show them that.

A dollar 60 for this magic box that
brings you Jack Benny?

Ed Sullivan?

Jackie Cleason? Yes, only a two -inch
screen.

That won't even get Jackie Cleason's
elbow.

Indeed, $1 .60 for this tremendous...
Why, gentlemen, you know what it means

me to part with this after ten years?
It's like a wrench out of my heart.

some wrench. It never once worked.

I'm glad you brought that up. We found
out why. We've been plugging it into

electricity. We found this works on gas.

Now, gentlemen, the last bid I made was
$1 .60. $1 .40.

Sold for $1 .60 to the original... I
didn't want it. You're sure? I saw that

handout. Now, gentlemen, on we go.

Oh, no, not that. I'm sorry, gentlemen.
Please don't force me to sell these. I

know the science had all my personal
possessions, but they're safe. Please,

do you embarrass me by meaning out
things that I can't? Gentlemen, there

Well, if you insist.

All right, I accept the challenge.

Gentlemen, those of you who are familiar
with the newsreels will remember this

prized relic which has disappeared from
the collector's scene.

Nobody knows where it is, but we know
right now. Do you recognize this?

This was the sod.

Tended in surrender on the USS Missouri
to General MacArthur. This sword

belonged to Tojo, who was heard to say,
Congratulations,

that meant, General, take Japan, but
don't take my sword.

But General MacArthur, stern taskmaster
that he was, he said, Oh, no! To the

victor belongs the spoils.

And then there was this confusion. A
third cousin of mine, named Victor

was confused at the time. He thought
this was a gift to him, and he

this song.

Innocently, but he had it. Now, the
Smithsonian Institute has been looking

over the world for this prized relic.
Now, how much I've turned on any number

offers. What am I offering? Ten cents.

So... Beware, Mrs.

Fitzgerald.

I bet I know someone who's in for a big
surprise.

I'll take that bet. Rupert!

Please, Mr. Lawley, take a minute, Mrs.
Rupert isn't listening. Oh, he'll listen

to this.

Now, look, that $400 that you had. Oh,
why did I mention it? Well, be grateful

in your heart that you did mention it.
What chance have you got going into

business with $400? Now, look, I'm not
good at speeches.

This additional $400 will help.

You're going to give me $400?

Oh, yes.

What's the matter?

No, don't! Don't worry, Emma. I wasn't
born yesterday.

What are you talking about?

Oh, listen, I've been around you too
long not to know a gimmick when I see

What kind of gimmick? Here's your $400.

Yeah, the only time you give $400 is if
you expect to get back eight.

Are you crazy? There's no strings
attached with this here.

Oh, find yourself another sucker.

Oh, for heaven's sake. Here, it's yours.

Oh, God.

Hey, hey, hey.

Come back here. Bless you, buddy.

You mean he refused this $400 you
offered him? I'll tell you, it's crazy.

thinks it's some kind of a gimmick to
get him to bet. I can't understand it.

Bet. Wait a minute, that's it.

That's all he dreams of, is beating me
out of a bet. You're going to get him to

bet? But Sachi can't beat you. I'll bet
him it's something that even he's got to

win. Something crazy. What kind of bet?
I don't know. I'll figure something.

Where is he now? Oh, he's over at the
mess hall. He's making a cake for the

colonel's 25th wedding anniversary
tonight.

Hold it.

That's it.

That's the bet.

It'll be ready in time for party, sir.
Thank you, Sergeant.

25 years.

They don't make marriages like that
anymore.

Well, of course, sir, I'm on duty. I'm
just checking the menus.

Hey, boys.

I'm busy, Bilko.

To my darling. Oh, is this for the
Colonel's anniversary party tonight? So

So what? I'll take a piece right now
about that big. You? You're not going to

at the party. Neither is the Colonel's
wife. The party's been called off.

They're breaking up. Breaking up?

It's a shame. I got information. They
had a tremendous fight. They're through.

Are you kidding? The Colonel's wife?
What? You're pretty sure of that, huh,

Bilko? Sure.

Am I ever wrong?

Wrong? The Colonel was...

Oh, so there's going to be no party
tonight, have the best. Ah, it's not a

after all the years. No party. Hey, save
me a piece of cake.

Gee, ain't it a shame? After 25 years,
the Colonel and his wife are breaking

But the Colonel with the cake was
just... They ain't breaking up. I know,

Bilko don't know it, so... Well, maybe I
could suck him into a bet. You mean

you're going to get Bilko to bet on...
That the Colonel and his wife aren't

breaking up? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Hey, they are, I thought, eh?

Are you nuts?

They're the loveliest, loveliest couple
in the army.

Make your bet. Don't worry. Wait.

I'd better make sure.

Oh, Sergeant Ritchie. Oh, I just came in
to tell you that the cake will be ready

for the party.

Oh, thank you, Sergeant.

There is going to be a party.

Of course.

Why not?

Oh, nothing, nothing. Your wife's a
wonderful woman, sir.

Well, the finest in the world. There
isn't any trouble, is there? I mean, uh,

there's no trouble.

Trouble? Well, of course not.

Oh, thank you. I got him. I got him.

Trouble?

It's ridiculous.

And you're taking it on a bet with
Bilko. I could have you committed.

This is what I've been waiting for, a
chance to get all my money back from

Bilko. Stay away from him, I beg you.
Look, it's a cinch.

Let me ask you something. Is there a
happier couple in the world than a

and his wife?

No, but... Well?

Are you sure he'll bet you $400 that
she's leaving him if there's not going

be a party tonight?

Well, I got him dangling.

Okay, but let me check myself first. And
don't you make one move until I get

back.

Mrs. Rizzi.

I was just going by, Colonel, so I
thought I'd stop by and congratulate you

your 25th anniversary.

Oh, thank you.

Imagine 25 years and no trouble between
you. I mean, and no trouble.

No, no trouble.

Your wife is a wonderful woman, Colonel
Hall.

She certainly is. Please give my very
best to your wife when you get home.

I'll do that.

She will be there.

Of course.

Tonight's the party. It's still on? I
mean, it's still on.

Why shouldn't it be?

Oh! No reason at all, Colonel.

Thank you, Colonel.

What is everybody talking about?

Maybe they're trying to tell me
something about my wife that I don't

That's ridiculous.

Let me get this straight. You want to
bet me $400 that the party is on tonight

and the Colonel and his wife are not
breaking up? That's right.

Oh, look, Ritzig.

Save your money. I happen to know they
hate each other.

I knew when the chips were done, you
were checking out, Bilko.

I don't like that language. I accept
that. You force me into this bet, I'll

at your mess hall in an hour with the
$400. You heard it, boys. He said in an

hour. Yeah, I said in an hour.

He fell for it. And now, why don't you
give it to him now? You got the money. I

just remembered his luck.

Sorry. I better check.

Kennel Hall?

Kennel Hall, sir.

Oh, it's you, Bilko.

Congratulations, sir. Oh, thank you,
Bilko.

How's your wife?

Why do you ask? Oh, just interested,
sir.

There isn't anything wrong, is there,
sir? Of course there isn't.

Why should there be?

Oh, no reason at all, sir. Your wife is
a wonderful woman.

Thank you.

Anything else? Oh, yes, sir. About the
party tonight. It's still on. Oh,

splendid. Fun, fun, fun. Thank you, sir.

What's going on?

The husband's always the last to know.

Well, not this time. I'm going to find
out.

Oh, John, it's you.

Why? Were you expecting somebody else?

No, it's just that you never come home
in the middle of the afternoon.

I don't, huh?

Maybe if I did, I'd find out what's
going on here. John Hall, what are you

talking about? I'm talking about what
the whole post is talking about.

Something's going on here that I don't
know about.

John Hall, don't you dare use that tone
of voice to me. I'll use any tone of

voice I want to until I find out what's
going on around here.

You must be mad.

I was mad, but now I'm getting smart.

It's all over the post.

Everybody's talking about it, and I'm
going to find out what it is.

Well? Well, here's my 400.

Okay, here's my $400. Now, the
conditions of the bet are understood,

Right. Well, it's simple. He says that
the colonel's wife is leaving and

going to be no party tonight.

Right. Is it a bet? It's a bet.

What's going on here? Tell the sucker.

Jake, the colonel was here a half an
hour ago and okayed the cake.

Oh, no.

I was at his office, too, and my wife,
Jack. They're the happiest couple in the

world.

The cake is ready for the party, sir.

Party?

There's not going to be any party. I
knew it. No, Bob.

I knew it. My wife left me. I knew it.
Left you?

I knew it.

Everybody knew it. I knew it. What do we
need to do?

Sir, I'm sure if we want to... I knew
it. We can rectify this, Mr. Rupert. I

knew it.

You can't beat him. I give up. I'll tell
you this. Look, look. I just... Take

the body.

I wouldn't even let the guy get a
luncheonette. You don't understand.

Educate. Choke on it.

How do you like that? Did you ever see
such an unlucky guy?

He must have shot an albatross.

Look, first thing we got to do is get
the colonel and his wife back together.

Take a couple of wires, quick. Send one
wire.

Dear Bunny, please forgive me. I love
you. Signed, Boo -Boo. Take another

Dear Boo -Boo, please forgive me. I love
you. Signed, Bunny.

I sent one to the colonel, one to the
colonel's wife. Which one? What

does it make? Which one is... Now I've
got to find a way to get this $800 to

Ritzig. You'd better hurry. He's leaving
in three days. I've got to think of a

bet. Again?

Something that he can't lose.

What's this?

This is Rupert's discharge papers. I'd
better bring them over to him. Hold it,

hold it. Let me look at that.

Rupert P.

Ritzig, born Peoria, Illinois.

Now, there's a valuable piece of
information to know. Why?

Why? Because I'm going to bet on he was
born in Singapore.

Lots of good luck to you and Mrs.
Ritzig. Thank you.

We'll miss you, Sergeant.

I'll miss you too, sir.

Coming, Barney?

I'll be right along, boo -boo.

There's nothing like a little family
fight to make you realize what you've

Great, guys. I miss Paul having you back
in the post like a ray of sunshine

hitting Kansas.

Hi, boys.

Look, fill out this transportation
requisition. I filled in the rest. You

sign your name. I get the truck to move
the stuff.

What's the matter with him? His wife
said he ain't allowed to talk to you. He

says I have to truck around first thing
in the morning.

All right with me here. Just sign the
requisition.

Hey, what's this, a gag? What is it,
Richard? He's got me down here that I

born in Singapore.

Singapore? China?

Yeah. Tell him he's nuts.

I was born... Tell him I was born in
Peoria, Illinois.

Says he was born in Peoria, Illinois.
He's changing. Oh, change it. Just like

that. I'm sorry, gentlemen. I will not
falsify army records just because a man

is ashamed of being born in Singapore.

He's crazy. I was born in Peoria, 323
Acorn Street. My folks still live there.

Look, that's his business. If he's
ashamed of being born in Singapore, I

help that. Hey, what's with this
Singapore? I can't even spell it.

Look, don't toy with me. I have other
things to do. I happen to know the

What facts?

Want me to tell you in front of the
boys? Yeah, yeah, tell me.

You asked for it. Go ahead. Just so
happens that your mother was a dancing

in a Singapore cafe where she met your
father, a sea captain, who was engaged

in, shall we say, some rather mysterious
activities along the China coast.

He's nuts.

My mother never left me already in her
life. My father's a butcher.

If he ever got near a pier, he'd get
seasick. Oh, that's rather amusing. I

I'm wrong again, huh? Like I was wrong
about the... Oh, you're so wrong, it

ain't even funny. Well, suppose you put
your money where your mouth is. What do

you mean?

I'll bet you $800 against your car that
you were born in Singapore.

You want to bet me I was born in Peoria?

Is it a bet? All you have to do, if you
want to make the bet, stick your head

out the window and go, and I'll know
it's fleecing time.

You got him? You got him? Yeah, yeah.

That was great, Rupert, the way you
sucked him into that bet.

I did?

You weren't born in Singapore, were you?
No, I was born in Peoria. Are you

positive? I'm positive, I'm positive.

Wait,

wait, wait.

I'd better check.

crazy. You're a stock -raving maniac.
Will you put that telephone down so I

call the authorities to come and drop
the net on you?

Why, he's bet me $800 that I was born in
Singapore.

I ought to know where I was born.

Operator, operator, please hurry up that
call.

First you lost the $400, then you lost
the car. I'll be next.

Oh, quiet, quiet.

Hello? Oh, mother?

Mama?

This is Rupert.

Rupert, how are you, son?

When are you coming home?

Never mind that, Mama.

There's one question I've got to ask
you. Have you been hiding something from

me? Now, it's all right. Don't spare my
feelings.

Mama, were you ever a dancing girl in a
cafe in Singapore?

Son, have you been drinking?

What?

You were born right here in this house.

Thank you, Mama. I've got him. I've got
him. You can't...

Oh, well. All right, here's the
registration of my car. Here's the $800.

Is it a bet?

Well,

let me get it straight.

You say that I was born in Singapore.

Right. You say you were born in Peoria.
Is it a bet?

Well, come on.

Name them. Get them.

I'll be right back.

All right. Now, is it a bet? Don't rush
me.

Now, let me ask you, is it a bet?

Let me think.

Look, is this a betting contest or a
staring contest?

Well, let me get it straight. Now, it's
a bet. I'd say that I was born in

Peoria. I'd say you were born in
Singapore.

Right. Now you make the bet. After that,
we'll open up the sealed permanent

records and then we won't know.

Right. Now, is it a bet?

Now, you're sure that I was born in
Singapore? Sure. Who could be sure? Life

a gamble. I like to gamble. Is it a bet?

No, I don't know. Don't blow it.

confuse me. You know you were born in
Peoria.

Gee, I don't know what I know.

Now, look, look. I want a bet. Take any
side.

Hey, you heard him. You heard him. He
said take any side. What are you talking

about? All right, wise guy. I'm calling
the shots now. I take Singapore.

You heard me. I said I'd take Singapore.
No, no, the bet's off. I don't want

this. You can't refuse. I got you nailed
on this one.

Nailed? Yeah, my wife was right. She
told me that if you said I was born in

Singapore, I was born in Singapore. I
don't know how you found out, but I...

I checked. Yeah, I checked. I checked my
telephone through administration.

That's where his girl, Hogan, works. No,
wait a minute.

You're dreaming.

Yeah, I tripped. I was talking to my
mother. Meanwhile, I was talking to one

your confederates.

And the clerk at Peoria.

Yes, you're a Peoria baby.

I can recognize couple headshots for the
invitation.

Oh, no, no. It's a fact. It's a fact. Go
back. Oh, no, you don't. You can't

weasel out of this, Bilko. For the first
time in his life, he's nailed you.

That's a fact. Oh, wait a minute. Let me
explain.

It's a fact. Hey! Hey!

I don't know how you make it in this
house, but you did, Rupert. You're

You're great.

Hey, you don't have to be hanging around
here for a while. You get used to

getting... What is it, Steve? What is
it, Steve?

Tell him, Steve.

Rupert, you were born in... Yeah?

Peoria. I knew it.

Rupert.

I knew it.

Rupert. I knew it. Rupert, I want to
talk to you. I'll wait a second. Look,

Rupert. Well, that's the way he
operates. He makes us wait. I should be

with him.

I want to tell you what happened.
Rupert, listen to me.

Oh, look, you clean me out. All I got
left is my wife. I don't want to bet

Look, about the bet.

I was just... I bet. I wouldn't bet you
that my name is Rupert Ritchie.

It's a bet. What?

You hate him? He shook on it. It's a
bet. I just bet him $800 in the car

his wife that his name is not Rupert
Ritchie. Look it up in the records.

find his name is Nathaniel Kilman.

Watch the car, sir. I do it.

How did I get tricked into this bet? Oh,
Ebba, I won $800.

Ebba, I beat up. I quit $800.

How did I ever let myself get tricked
into this bet?

Oh, knock it off, Bilko. Now we know
about the colonel and the cake and all

that.

Over hill, over dandy.

Come in.

Hi, Rupert. Hi, Mr. Bilko. Hi, Ernie.
Thought I'd come over and help you move

off the post.

Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Huh?
Oh, you'd like that.

You want to get rid of me now, now that
my luck has changed? What are you

talking about? Well, I ain't gone,
buddy. I just signed up for four more

Staying on?

Are you kidding the way I beat you on
that last bet?

This is a goldmine for me.

Oh, no.

And I know how you operate.

And I'm one step ahead of you.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Joe E.
Ross and Sergeant Ritzig.

Leitris Pond as Mrs. Ritzig. Jimmy
Little as Sergeant Grover. Ned Glass as

Sergeant Pendleton.