All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s02e06 Bilkos War Against Culture

Is my staff car ready? No, sir. Sergeant
Vilko's still working on it. All that's

wrong with it was a little rattle in the
rear.

Oh, no.

They're sending us another special
service officer.

Lieutenant D .M. Roxbury.

Don't they ever give up? There's a
fourth one this year.

For duty at Fort Baxter to establish
cultural programs for the purpose of

discouraging indiscriminate gambling.

What's so indiscriminate about it?

Thanks to Bilko, there isn't a post in
the Army where gambling is better

organized.

On Saturday night, this post makes Las
Vegas look like a ghost town.

Perhaps so, sir.

Perhaps this officer has a new approach,
sir. Yes, but he'll have the same

assistant, Sergeant Bilko.

All right, better call him in here.

What time is it?

Four o 'clock, sir.

Well, that means his phone is free. The
races are over at Belmont.

What noise is this? We're good.

All the polls, Sergeant Bilko. Just a
moment, sir.

Can I ask, will you hold that work down
a moment, please?

Yes, Colonel.

Your staff, sir?

Just a moment, sir, and I'll check.

What's the schedule on the Colonel's
staff car? You rented it to Corporal

for his date tonight, sir.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. We're having trouble
replacing the differential.

We'll try... Tomorrow?

Just a moment, sir. Tomorrow?

You're driving it in the stock car race
tomorrow, sir. Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I'm

having a lot of difficulty getting the
parts. But on Monday?

Well, if we replace the fenders, we'll
try.

Well, I give you my word of honor, sir.
Oh, yes.

Yes, I'll drop all work until that
happens. Of course, sir. Yes.

Schneider, a gin op.

What was that?

Uh, Corporal Barbella thought he heard a
knock in your car, sir, and I, uh, told

Private Schneider to turn the engine
off.

Oh, I see.

What is it, sir?

They're playing gin rummy. Barbella just
got Schneider with a gin op.

Sir, if you're sure they're gambling, we
could catch them in the act.

Catch them? I've been trying for eight
years. They got a warning system that

makes radar obsolete.

Bill 2, a new special service officer is
on the post.

I want to see that you get your men to
volunteer for his classes.

And none of your usual bets on how long
he'll last.

Well, sir, you misunderstand me. Well,
of course, I'll be in your office as

as I can with a list of volunteers, sir.

Thank you, sir.

Oh,

yes, I forgot, fellas. There's a new
special service officer on the post.

Anybody want to volunteer for his
classes?

No, that's too bad. What else did the
colonel want, sir? Oh, I'm glad you

me. The colonel reminded me there'll be
no betting on how long the special

service officer lasts.

Start a pool. Right, sir.

reporting, sir. Special services.

You'll find that the work... Oh.

Well, welcome to... Oh.

Welcome to Fort Baxter, Lieutenant.

Thank you, sir.

I'd like you to meet Lieutenant
Cranston.

How do you do? How do you do?

How do you do, Lieutenant?

That'll be all, Cranston.

Lieutenant,

I know that our cultural record is bad,
but we have a unique problem.

I said that'll be all, Cranston.

Yes, sir.

Cranston, why don't you try the door?

Now,

Lieutenant, about this unique problem...
You mean your Sergeant Bilko?

You mean Special Services has a file on
Bilko? It's more than a file, sir. It's

an exhibit.

An exhibit?

It's a depressing picture of how one
sergeant has been allowed to sabotage

cultural program because it interferes
with his gambling activity.

Lieutenant, if I can catch him just
once... You won't have to, sir.

The cultural... program I've developed,
the men will leave Bilko and flock to

our classes. Just let me show you.

We have painting and folks... Come in. I
pleaded with the men and not one of

them would volunteer.

Bilko, this is Lieutenant Roxbury, our
new special service officer. Welcome

aboard, sir. I myself said I'm ready to
cooperate.

Red D!

So, you're Sergeant Bilko.

I've heard of you.

Lies, all lies, Lieutenant.

Hear my side of the story. I didn't have
to hear about you, Sergeant. I know

your type.

Every commanding officer has one like
you on the post.

Are you sure, Lieutenant?

I thought the War Department had singled
me out for punishment.

Oh, the girl has a quick wit. Never
mind. Give me a leader who can make his

chuckle. Quiet!

Yes, sir.

Lieutenant, have you any instructions
for Sergeant Bilko?

Instructions? Well, I'm sure we can work
this out together. I have a little

restaurant in town. It's very close.
It's...

Bohemian has candlelight. It won't be
necessary.

Well, it'll be too dark, but if you
wanted that... Bill Carroll!

Sir?

You're speaking to an officer. Yes, sir.

That's all right, Colonel. What I was
getting at is that I won't need your

I brought my own assistant.

Oh, but Lieutenant, the men... I said I
won't need you. Well, Lieutenant, you'll

find the men won't show up if I... Bill
Carroll?

You heard the Lieutenant.

Yes, sir.

Now, Lieutenant, if you'll sit down
and...

Just tell me about your program.

Well, sir, you'll notice here I have a
list of things that... Excuse me, sir.

Has your wife returned from Toledo?

My wife?

Oh, my wife.

Yes, yes.

She got back six months ago.

Oh, you'll like the Colonel's wife.
She's a lovely woman.

Never mind. She's one of the boys on a
crack shot. Quiet!

The important thing is to have something
for everyone.

You see, we have easels for the
painters, and Bavarian folk costumes for

dancers, and, uh... Oh, yes, Wilco, I
have something for you, too. For me? Uh,

Corporal Sandberg.

For me?

Oh, Lieutenant, you shouldn't have.

I brought Corporal Sandberg along to
help you. Oh, it's what I've always

Wilco!

Sir, she said it was for me. You're not
going to pull rank on me, are you?

Quiet!

This is what I have for you, Sergeant. A
work detail.

Corporal, give me the list of equipment
to be picked up and delivered to the

recreation hall. Well, I'm sure if the
lieutenant will reconsider between the

three of us... Vilco!

All right, the four of us. Quiet!

Perhaps I can help you.

I want to work with you. Yes, sir.
Vilco, if I ever find out that you're

to influence the men...

Volunteer for her classes.

Influence the men. After all, sir, the
men come to me for guidance and counsel.

I take them just mere fledging, and I
mold them, and I put their faltering

on the firm paths of life. Never mind,
Belko. We already have a chaplain on the

post. Oh, yes, and he's doing a grand
job, he is. Yes, he is, sir.

I think I'm needed. Will you excuse me,
sir? Thank you.

Put it up there very high, corporal,
where they can all see. Oh, here, let me

help you.

Never mind. Oh, perhaps if I lifted the
corporal. I said never mind.

What are you doing in there? Anything?

Sergeant, get the truck down to the
station and bring that equipment in here

the classes. Tell the men those classes
start 8 o 'clock tonight.

What? And they got a gypsy violence
that'll drive you out of your mind.

Sergeant. Ma 'am? Did you hear what I
said? I said 8 o 'clock tonight.

Oh, you're coming with us. I'll make a
reservation for three.

Get me Gino's restaurant. Put down that
phone.

I said the classes start at 8 o 'clock
tonight. Oh, that. Well, Lieutenant, I

think you'll find the men won't come
out, sir. Why not? What's the matter?

if you didn't know, it's Saturday night.
Tonight is Monte Carlo night in our

barracks. Monte Carlo night? Except me
gambling.

Oh, good heavens, no. It's our salute to
Grace Kelly.

We sit around and discuss our old
pictures, and then we write her a group

letter. Yes, I'm sure. Did the
lieutenant know that Prince Rainier is

honorary corporal in our platoon?

Oh, really? Oh, yes, since the day he
proposed. If you'll drop in at midnight,

we'd drink a toast to him, and then we'd
sing the Monaco National Anthem. It's a

simple song. I could teach it to you. I
miss for the money, but... Never mind.

Good heaven!

What? I just noticed.

The startling resemblance the lieutenant
has to Grace Kelly.

Why, it's amazing. Please, let me write
MGM. They're looking for a replacement.

Tension?

I gave you an order, Sergeant.

Now get down there to the railroad
station and bring that equipment in here

tonight. But, Lieutenant, I'm trying to
say... The men will never... Quiet! Let

the men choose between the finer things
the army has to offer and the low

gambling offered by a finagling
sergeant. But, Lieutenant... Wilco, you

the Lieutenant.

Yes, sir.

Well, well, well, Lieutenant. I see
you're making yourself comfy.

And did your wife have a good time in
Toledo, sir?

We play on credit? And we don't need
money?

Well, I'm worried about the attendance.

Ah, Sarge, what are you worried about?
Oh, we'll be there.

Well, I'm afraid somebody might come
around and get you to sign up for the

cultural classes.

Cultural classes?

Sarge, are you nuts?

Sarge, we promised we'd be there. A
promise is not good enough. I want it in

oath. Assume positions for the oath.
Right hand.

I promise, Sergeant Bilko.

I promise, Sergeant Docot. He who thinks
of nothing but his men.

He who thinks of nothing but his men. He
who's every waking hour is devoted to

our welfare and all he asks in return is
love and loyalty.

He who's every waking hour is devoted to
our welfare and loyalty.

I solemnly promise I will not sign up
for any culture classes.

I solemnly promise I will not sign up
for any culture classes. This I swear.

Tonight? Tonight at 8!

It's very good.

get the Beethoven album.

Come on, let's practice.

One, two.

Oh,

don't stop on my account. I love this
melody.

This is a fine cultural thing.

It's worth getting up five o 'clock in
the morning. What do you mean getting up

five o 'clock in the morning? Well,
isn't that when the buglers get up?

Buglers? That's standard army procedure.

She didn't mention buglers.

Oh, they never do, but this is the way
the army develops your wind.

First thing you know, you're blowing,
you're saying...

The first thing you know, it's five o
'clock on a cold morning. You're

Well, if you want to be bugles, take
their names. How about... Ah,

the merry fifers have fled.

The peasants are on the green.

We're the merry faces. It's harvest
time.

Shut it off.

Good man.

Where are you running? I like this. This
is very good. I mean, it develops your

leg muscles, your feet. This is good
exercise.

This will come in handy when you have to
drill.

What do you mean, drill?

Well, you're soldiers. Let's face it,
soldiers drill.

But, Sarge, we haven't drilled in five
years.

Of course not, because for five years
I've been racking my brain, getting

to get you out of it. You, Palmer, I had
you down for flat feet.

Paparelli, I said you had sore ankles.
And, Doberman, I think I had you down

12 toes.

But what am I going to do if the colonel
sees you jumping and dancing and is

going to insist that you drill? Take the
names of these fellows.

The happy peasants have revolted.

paint the barracks facing them off.

Well, the renaissance is over.

And now the cat table is set up, the
chuck -a -lot, the roulette wheel, shall

go and have a turn?

Now, men, if you'll just gather round.

Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Lieutenant.

Well, I guess we won't need these.

Uh, Corporal, would you mind? I'd like
to be alone for a moment, please.

Yes, ma 'am.

It wasn't your fault. It was mine.

Before trying to come here and teach
culture to Bilko's platoon, I should

taken a course in guerrilla warfare.

Sir, the chief is waiting.

Lieutenant Roxbury is leaving.

So soon? We hardly got to know you,
Lieutenant. I'll be packed and ready to

at 6 o 'clock tonight, sir.

Shame on you, Bilko. It was her first
assignment.

Sir, I was the most shocked man on the
post when none of the men would

volunteer. Never mind.

Bilko, if ever I get any proof that you
had anything to do with influencing the

men...

to have an impartial witness.

Corporal Barbella was there. Now,
Corporal Barbella, did I do anything to

influence the men? Sergeant Bilko did at
no time in any manner, shape, or form

use coercion to arrest or undo
influence, causing the men to leave

classes. Nice enough.

Bilko, if I ever get definite proof that
you in any way... But, sir, you heard

Corporal Barbella.

I'm terribly sorry. I didn't know it was
your first assignment. Forget it.

Is there anything I can do, Lieutenant?

Yes, there is. Just have the jeep ready
at six o 'clock to take me to the

airport. Lieutenant, that isn't what I
meant. That's an order.

Yes, ma 'am.

Culture is a weapon.

you looking at me for? Yeah, why are we
looking at you? Yeah, why are we looking

at you? Sergeant Bilko did it no time in
any manner, shape, or form.

Now, shut up. Now, what can I do? What?

Sarge, maybe if we could get the guys
back painting and singing tonight. What

are you talking about? You know they
lost last night. They'll be back tonight

get even. Who can stop them? Who?

Wait a minute.

What's the matter, Sarge? I beat it. On
to the black.

Yes, I know, sir. We're a minority
group.

But, sir, I have definite proof that
there'll be gambling tonight in Sergeant

Bercow's barracks.

There always is.

But I can never get definite proof.

What? Wait. I'll take this down.

The clock is a roulette wheel.

The bulletin board is a dice table.

Go on.

All right, the radio spins and spins and
spins. And the number is 15. Nobody

answers. 15. Well, these things happen.
A little action, my friend, of course.

Ah, too bad. You lose. Well, that's the
way it goes.

Hit that board.

Snake eyes.

The next one. What is it? Change? Change
for everybody.

The man wants to know if he can have
some credit.

Credit? Hey, Wimbrow.

Poetry reading circle, sir. I see. Well,
go right ahead. You won't disturb us.

Thank you. Stood the wigwam of Nokomis,
daughter of the moon, Nokomis.

Go right ahead.

Rose the black and gloomy pine trees,
rose the furs with turns upon.

Go right ahead.

Beat the clear and sunny water, beat the
shining pixie water.

of Gitche Goomey's... Sarge! The
roulette wheel!

What are you doing, Sarge?

Fellas. Sarge? I'm sick all over. What's
the matter, Sarge? There's an informer

in our room. No, nobody in there. Give
us a minute. Please, no names.

Whoever the guilty man is knows it right
in here.

The thing is, we're being watched,
fellas.

That means there'll be no more action?

Action? Where? Where? How?

Wait a minute. I have an idea.

Suppose we continue the action in the
culture classes and nobody will suspect.

How could we gamble there? I'm glad you
asked that. Sarge. What?

Are you going to finish the poem?

Get him out.

Goodbye, Colonel Holland. Thanks for
trying to help. I feel very badly about

this, Lieutenant. Sir, the jeep is
waiting.

Come on, Corporal.

Lieutenant, would you mind stopping by
the recreation hall? The men want to say

goodbye. The men? What are they doing in
the recreation hall?

Well, what do men do in a recreation
hall, sir?

They have recreation.

Your expression was broad strokes.

Oh, look at Fender. Isn't it remarkable?
He has a reminiscence of Picasso's Blue

Period. Don't you think so?

Sir, are you looking for something? Can
I help you?

I know it's here somewhere, but I can't
find it.

What?

The gambling angle. The gimmick. The
con.

Well, the Colonel uses these military
terms. I don't understand. Never mind.

Oh, really, Colonel? How can you doubt
all this? You don't know Bilko.

I know it's here somewhere.

All right, men. Broad strokes of the
brushes. Give full freedom to God. All

right. Okay. Target in place.

Can you see?

No. Let it go.

25. Who had 25?

See how Beethoven developed his themes?

He was supreme at development. Listen.

Isn't that it?

Oh, listen how he speaks.

his orchestration. Oh,

it's Beethoven.

What is he up to?

Oh, he's up to the seventh movement.

Imagine all seven movements. Oh, yeah.
Oh, Colonel, you must stay. It'll only

take an hour and a half, and then we're
going to have Mozart, a chap for the

Colonel. An hour and a half. Never mind.
I have to go back to my office. All

right. Now, what is he up to?

You notice the expression when
Beethoven... They're gone.

They're gone. All right. As you are,
this is it.

he's asleep.

What was the time? Two minutes, forty
seconds. Who had two forties? I got it.

Pay him!

Yes,

we know the Muffin Man, the Muffin Man,
the Muffin Man. Yes, we know the Muffin

Man who lives in Drury Lane.

Beautiful, beautiful.

Oh, thank you, Lieutenant. We would hope
to have Pussywear as the cream for the

tea ready, but the tenor, his voice went
away.

Sergeant Bilko, I'm leaving this post
because you don't... need me anymore.

we couldn't have done this without you,
Lieutenant.

Oh, it wasn't I, Sergeant. It was
culture.

Once the men were exposed to culture, it
just never lets them free. Once they've

been exposed to the finer things, it
just never lets them free. Thank you.

were magnificent, Lieutenant. Thanks for
all your help. Thank you, Sergeant. And

keep up the good work, men.

Bye, Lieutenant.

It's good to be here somewhere.

I'll see you again, gentlemen. Remember,
do you know the muffin?

All right, this is it.

On your marks, set...

was disqualified for mumbling. Get out.

They're off the boat.

Now we get back to the roulette wheel.
We do it the way we... Come on.

Where's everybody?

Where's... Come on, hey. The roulette
wheel is all set up. I'm sorry,

I'm teaching Tony the peasant dance.
They're having a fair in Roseville. They

want peasant dance. What are you talking
about? I've got a new set up. What's

going on?

Send that.

Come on, baby. I've got the dice table
real hot. We've got everything set up.

Not now. I'm just getting started. I'm
getting those bold strokes that you told

me about. What are you talking about?
The roulette wheel...

Roxbury said, once the men have been
exposed to culture, it'll never let them

free. Culture is a weapon.

A weapon? It's a weapon against our way
of life. Come on, for credit.

You pay free.

Sarge! What's the matter? Shh.

Beethoven. What?

What's the matter with you guys? Well,
you're not going to... Please.

as Lieutenant Roxbury and Mara McAfee as
Corporal Sandberg.