All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s02e05 The Face on the Recruiting Poster

Sergeant Bilko?

Yeah, who are you?

Private Mike McCluskey reporting, sir.

All righty.

You must be the replacement for Smalley,
huh?

Okay, I'll take it now.

I beg your pardon?

Well, didn't they tell you?

Didn't they tell you? Every new recruit
donates $10 to our helper buddy fund.

You see, and then when you leave the
Army, you get $100.

Hey, that sounds like a great idea.

Oh, we're going to get along fine. Come
on in. I'll check you in.

Oh, I've got a nice little bunk reserved
for you. Of course, the upper bunks are

less expensive, but you look like the
type of fellow who's used to the best.

Take care of this. Thank you. Come on
in, pal.

Do you like hot showers?

Yeah. All righty. Give him a handle
marked hot. That makes you an exclusive

member of the Hot Shower Club. Sit down.

Oh, no. No charge.

Leave it.

Well, well, well. I hope you're going to
like it here.

Well, that all depends.

Depends on what?

Are there lots of wax on this post?

Wax? Sure, just like any other post.

That's bad.

See, I hope there's no trouble.

What do you mean, trouble?

Well, look at my record.

Let me see.

Transferred for the good of the service.

Transferred for disciplinary measures.

Transferred for good be...

Transfer, transfer, transfer. You don't
look like a troublemaker. I'm not. It's

those whacks. What do you mean?

Oh, I don't know what it is, but sooner
or later they... they fight over me.

They fight over you?

I mean, they don't fight over Frank
Sinatra or Perry Como.

They fight over you. It's terrible.

Here, see this disciplinary inquiry at
Fort Riley?

Four of them began tearing each other's
hair out in front of a general, and I

was transferred to Camp Crowley.

Really?

I see that two days later you were
transferred again. What happened?

of them followed me from Riley to
Crowley.

They followed you?

In duffel bags.

In duffel bags?

Oh, this is... Please, Sergeant, don't
let it happen to me here. Don't worry,

Romeo. You'll get no trouble here.

Take care of his papers. I'll get him
over to the administration and check him

in.

Wow! I've read everything!

Hey, Sarge, I'm on command, huh? Sarge,
we've got something there, huh? Well,

I'll say we've got something.

We have got the biggest liar in the
whole United States Army.

Oh, you should hear him in there.

Wax following him from post to post,
hiding in duffel bags.

Maybe it's true, sir. What do you mean,
true? If one -tenth of it was true, a

man with that appeal, Hollywood would
have grabbed him years ago. He would

replaced Cinerama. I'm ready, Sergeant.
Oh, yes, I'll take you over, Casanova.

Follow me.

All right, after you plop the jeep, get
in here, Mike.

Where have been my little tacky cuties?
Work, work, work, work, work.

Hiya, Johnny.

What is it, Annie? We're busy. I got a
replacement. Check him in.

Girl, check in this replacement.

I gotta get these vouchers out. I gotta
finish this poster.

Mary, would you please? I'm way behind.

Sergeant Velko? Come on in, Mike. Hey,
how about tonight, honey?

Oh, there you are, Mike. This is
Sergeant Hogan. This is the new

Check him in.

I begot you.

It's true.

It's true.

I'll take those papers.

Please, Sergeant, I don't want to be
transferred again. I promise you,

Look, take him and show him his detail.
The boys will take care of you. Go out

there with the fellas. Now the rest of
you, men, you have to do your work and

it in an orderly fashion.

Come on, conference, quick.

Men, this is it. Get your hips fitted
for Jaguars. Oh, here we go again.

It's true.

Everything he said is true. It's all
with my own eyes. Wax, they throw

themselves at him. Women, they, how he's
lived, I don't understand. They follow

him and duffel beg.

In my room right now, gentlemen, is the
biggest woman trap.

Since ranch meet. James Bultram, huh?
How he's laughed at this one.

Here, you.

Outside. Watch. See if anybody follow
him.

You. Zimmerman. Go, mate. 24 -hour guard
duty. Wait a minute. Wait. If

anything's moving, shoot in the air. It
may be a whack on the prowl. Watch it.

Whack? I'm telling you, we may have to
set booby traps.

Because... Don't look around.

Don't look around.

Whose duffel bag is that over there?

McCluskey. Back.

Quiet.

Young lady, you'll have to come out of
there.

Oh, it's all right. You see, if he gets
transferred, we've got to watch that. If

he gets transferred, a million dollars
gets transferred with him. A million

bucks? Yes, sir. So the games go from
where does that leave us? It leaves us a

million dollars to split up as the co
-managers of the most magnetic film

personalities since Valentino. Oh, and
he sure looks it. Look, keep this quiet

till I can get him signed.

Well, hello, Mike.

Getting along all right? Don't!

What's the matter, Sarge? I thought I
saw bushes move.

The wax are restless tonight.

What are you doing?

Signing them off a bunk ladder. All
right, hold that pen. I want them to

something up.

Actually, I got a Bilko oil.

Bilko fatigue insurance.

Bilko fellow. Here it is.

Personal management.

Yeah, there it is.

Oh, no. Is it another transfer? Yes,
from Fort Baxter to Hollywood,

Hollywood? What outfits out there?

Oh, there are a lot of outfits.

There's Fort Warner Brothers, Cam
Paramount. Sergeant Bilko, what are you

talking about?

I'm talking about you, the biggest movie
star to come along in the past ten

years. A movie star? Yeah, it's just
lying right here under where I wrote, I,

Tab Timberley, assign Sergeant Bilko...
Tab Timberley? Who's that?

That's you.

See, McCluskey, it's a nice name, but
Tab Timberley. Hear it? It sings.

Tab Timberley. It's got... I like that,
Tab.

Attaboy. Attention.

Bow your head.

Gentlemen, a star is born.

Get over to our people's. Get over to
Signal Photo Land. Tell Sergeant Larson

want a lot of pictures taken. Pictures
full face, pictures left profile, right.

Wait a minute.

Get him in a bikini.

A bikini? How am I going to tell him?
Tell him anything. Tell him he's a frog

man. I'm a devil. You, let him.

Take it out and let us know all the
studio heads of Hollywood, California.

start off with Xanax.

Dear Daryl.

You may not remember me, but I never met
you at Louis B. Mayer's house. Arch,

what does that mean? They're big men.
They never read. They just look at their

names. Right.

On the separate cover, Daryl, I am
sending you a photograph of my latest

discovery. A man who revolutionized the
motion picture industry.

Luella herself is insane about him.

Luella who?

You starting with me again?

You know Luella who. Don't start with
me. Don't give me those little bridges.

You know who I mean. Right.

All right, look at that.

I hear there's some mail for me. You got
a whole load.

Load, load.

I guess sending that picture of Mike to
Hollywood didn't pay off. Look at this

postmark. Hollywood, USA.

From the offices of Warner Brothers,
returned unopened. You see how neat they

do? Returned unopened.

They're all returned unopened. Look,
they got a letter on them.

Yes, sir.

Company policy does not permit us to
open unsolicited photographs.

Oh, Sarge. How do you like that? I tried
to give a dying industry a helping

hand. This is the thing. They ought to
take at least ten minutes to look at a

picture. Oh, if I could just get this
picture in front of the public. If they

could just see this face.

What's the matter, Sarge?

Wait a minute.

Expires August 15th.

That means right now in Washington
they're getting the new recruiting

ready. So what?

So what, don't you get it? If we get
Mike's picture on all the recruiting

posters, don't you see it? On every
street corner, every lobby, every

lobby, every post office, Mike's
picture. Don't you... Hollywood will

crawling to us. What an idea!

Wait a minute, Sarge. You know, they
always take a guy from one of them big

camps around Washington.

He's right, Sarge. They ain't gonna pick
a guy from a small post like this. Oh,

they're not.

They will when the colonel registers his
beef. The colonel ain't gonna register

a beef about a little thing like that.

Rocco, when are you going to learn? Who
runs this post, me or the colonel?

Are we going to have a swimming pool?
Yes, I think we'll have a kidney -shaped

pool with lights, blue lights, playing
under the water.

Esther will like that.

Esther who?

You're starting again.

You give me the bridges, I don't want
these.

I'll meet you on the first tee in five
minutes, Harry. And don't forget, my

expects you and the missus over for
canasta tonight.

Goodbye.

Well, what is it, Bilko? Sir, we have a
chance to put Fort Baxter on the map.

Whatever it is, Bilko, no.

But, sir.

Bilko, Fort Baxter is on the map. And
it's a tribute to my vigilance that it's

still there.

And you haven't raffled it off. Oh, but
really, sir.

A little gulp, sir?

Yeah. Oh, that's right.

Relax. Let's go. Let the other officers
command the more important posts. That's

right.

What do you mean command a more
important post? Oh, I only meant that in

highest sense, sir. After all, sir, you
have served with distinction in two

world wars. You've earned the right to
be put out to graze. I certainly have.

Put out to graze? Are you being
impertinent? No, sir. No, I really

excuse me, Colonel.

Isn't this a picture of your graduating
class at West Point?

My, what wonderful -looking cadets.

Not cadets anymore.

There's General Lawson, General
Michaels, General O 'Hara. My, my, just

them. All of them are generals, aren't
they, Colonel?

Colonel. Well, sir, I didn't mean to.
What I meant is, oh, let the more

ambitious commanding officers get these
meaningless plums.

What plums? Well, sir, you know I'm the
deal to get the soldier for the

recruiting poster?

They pass us by again, sir.

They pass us by again? Oh, sir.

Did you all let those other commanding
officers with their better connections

Washington get it? Better connections?

I'll show them who's got connections.

Get me Washington.

Extension 213.

you pass this by again, eh?

You know what I'm talking about.

If you don't choose a man from Fort
Baxter for those posters this year,

uh, uh, Generals Lawson, Carter, and O
'Hara are going to know the reason why.

What?

Good.

You just send me the procedure for
selecting a man, and I'll send you the

for your poster.

Congratulations, General Hall. I mean,
Colonel Hall. I was thinking of the

immediate future. There's going to be a
lot more done around here. Bill Coe, I

want you to take care of the detail of
selecting the man for the poster. But,

sir, I'm all for the poster. That's an
order. Thank you, sir. I'll do my best.

What?

Harry! You're on the first team?

Well, go on without me.

What do you think? I've got nothing to
do but play golf around here?

There's work to do.

Tell my wife to cancel the canasta for
tonight. I'm working late.

There's work to do.

What have I got to do?

Well, wait till Hollywood sees Rory's
face.

Rory? I thought his name was Cam.

I changed it. Rory. It sings.

You know, it's got a... The Colonel!

The Colonel! Watch the dryer, Fender.

Colonel Hall, sir. This is a pleasure.
Well, Bill, the test for that recruiting

competition just came in from
Washington.

Test? Competition?

There's something burning.

I'll kill that Fender. Fender? Oh, it's
corporate. offended, sir. He's so

security -minded, every time Russia
unveils a new plane, he starts burning

record, sir.

I thought I was going to pick the
winner, sir. No, it's an open

You pick ten of the best -looking men on
the post to take a test on military

procedure. Military procedure?

The results go to Washington, and they
pick the winner.

Oh, they pick the winner.

Good luck, Bilko. Thank you, sir.

That's funny.

I smell nail polish.

Oh, yes, sir. Private Kodowski just got
a package from home, sir. Nail polish?

Well, you see, his folks always wanted a
girl, sir.

Oh,

one of those things. Yes, sir.

I'll take care of all that, sir, and the
ten men will... Sarge, open

competition? That means that every chick
in the post will think she's good

-looking, but won't answer. And they'll
all take the test, and when they take

the test, they'll all beat McCluskey.
Sarge, he's a real dope. Yeah, but I got

news for you. We got ten bigotopes right
in our platoon.

Our platoon?

Look, you heard the colonel. He's
leaving it to me to pick out the ten

handsome men.

I'm sorry. I happen to think the men in
my platoon are beautiful. Oh, but,

sir... Wait, wait, wait, wait. Now,
we've got to find out how much he knows

about military procedure.

Let's find out.

Hiya, Mike.

What's the first general order?

What's what? Tell him, Doberman. How
would I know?

Give me the army manual, the army
regulations.

Here, you read these. Over and over,
read it to him. But, sir, I can't...

it to him every word in there. Over and
over. Till it sinks in. Over and over.

Do that. Come on.

Sarge, you're all brain. All brain.
Please, please. This is no time for hero

worship. I've got to think of a way of
getting our star's name in front of the

public. Take a letter to Walla Winchell.

Walla Winchell, Daily Mirror.

New York City, you know the answer. Dear
Walla, what secret weapon is Colonel

Hall, a Fort Baxter candidate, waiting
to unveil on the new recruiting poster?

Got it. Got it. Earl Wilson.

Dear Earl, when she sees the new face on
the recruiting poster, Marilyn will

realize she married too soon.

Marilyn who?

Stop it. He's doing this for spite. He
knows. Don't give him that.

General orders number one. To take
charge of this post in all government

property and view. Two. To walk my post
in a military manner, keeping... All

right. Go on. Go on.

Government. Government.

Wake up. Government.

To walk my post in a military manner. To
take charge of this post... I know

you'll know it. Tell it to him over and
over. Besides, two nights will help

sleep. Over and over. Listen.

Over and over.

Are you ready?

Sarge, what kind of a test is this? I
never heard of a thing like that. You

the army, they always make them tests.
You know the first general order?

What? You know the uniform code of
military justice?

Are you kidding?

Put that down.

That's a good answer. I like that. You
know why? Because it was natural. That's

all the army wants.

Natural answers. Are you kidding? Put
that down. Very good.

Are you going to disgrace the whole
country? The less they know, the better

makes it for Ricky.

Ricky, I thought it was Rory. I like it
better.

Ricky Rincester.

Hey, are you guys supposed to take some
kind of test? Yeah. Lieutenant Green's

waiting in the examination room. All
right, all right. We'll be there.

Lieutenant... All right, now when you
take these... Just be Ricky. When you

these tests... Right down there.

Military... Good job, Doblin. Go and get
some sleep. You've done a wonderful

job. Now, you ten men. Sarge, there's
only nine.

Doblin! Take the test with the best of
the men. Sarge! Hey, face!

Have you made arrangements to rush the
winner off to Washington as soon as his

name is announced?

It's all set, sir. We have a plane at
the airbase.

Oh, sir, the teletype.

Washington to Fort Baxter.

Newspapers, please copy.

The soldier who...

will appear on this year's recruiting
poker, receive the highest mark ever

attained on a military procedure test.

Good work, Benko. Oh, Ricky boy.

His name is... Sir,

what is it?

His name is Dwayne Doberman? I did it!

Colonel, sir, I don't know what
happened.

Five minutes earlier!

Five minutes earlier and I would have
been on the golf course with Harry.

But, sir... This wouldn't have happened.

Sir, I don't know what to tell you. Hey,
Doberman.

Picks is the best -looking man at Fort
Baxter.

We'll be on the map, all right.

They'll flock here for miles to see what
the reservoirs look like.

I don't know what to say, sir.

Doberman on a recruiting poster.

And I pressured them for it.

I'll be court -martialed for giving the
enemy aid and comfort.

Sir, Doberman isn't going to Washington.
They're waiting for him now.

But, sir, they can't make him go to
Washington if he doesn't want to go.

He doesn't want to?

Let's put it this way, sir. Doberman is
not the smartest man in the world, but

he's smart enough to know his face
doesn't belong on the recruiting

sir. I'll break it to him gently.

Good, good. All right.

Doberman, I've got to talk to you. Hey,
Sarge, how is this?

Uncle Sam wants you.

Very good. Now, look, I have to... Don't
take this long underwear with me. They

might want me to tour. Look, Doberman,
Doberman... Sarge, maybe this is better.

Enlist. Now. Very good. I'll adopt them.
Would you listen to me? I have to...

Sarge, this is the first time I ever won
anything in my life. Calm down. There

comes a time I have to be brutally
frank.

You know what my mother said when I
called her? Your mother what?

She cried.

She cried?

Yeah. So did the colonel.

Yeah, and so will I.

Now, gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen
out. Now, each one of you will be given

chance to take a picture of Private
Doberman.

Here he is now.

Come in, come in.

No.

Sergeant, we've got a reporting, sir.
He's not the one.

For just a minute, I thought.

No offense, Sergeant.

Can I see you outside in the hall?

Did you bring Private Doberman? He's
here, but can I see you a minute in the

hall? Later, later.

Right this way, Private Doberman. Now,
gentlemen, be sure to get a good, clear

picture of him.

Private Doberman reporting.

Welcome, Private Doberman. No pictures.
Everybody out. Everybody out.

Everybody out. Check with you later.

Is this what you wanted?

You mean he's the... Five million Uncle
Sam needs?

What happened? What happened?

I want to know.

Sir, Washington said he won't. We were
just following your procedure. Never

the procedure. We're in a spot.

Is something wrong, sir? Something
wrong?

Nobody's told him?

Well, so we figured an officer should
tell him, sir.

Well, remember now, Private.

This is nothing personal. I... Yes, sir?
Just doing his duty, Doberman. You

understand. Thank you.

It's just that you... Yes, sir?

Well, you don't look like a typical
soldier.

Thank you. That's what my mother always
said.

Your mother?

Won't you get past this or it's a
breeze?

Now, this is no time, Private, to spare
your feelings. You... Yes, sir?

You... Yes, sir?

You tell him.

Look, Captain, you took this out of my
hands.

Well, well, where's our poster boy?
Private Doberman reporting, sir.

Private Doberman.

Now, let's get...

I don't know, sir. I merely called
Lieutenant Branson. I forwarded the call

the captain. You took it out of my
hands, Major. Quiet. We're in a spot.

anybody know about this? Just his
mother, sir.

His mother? Yes, sir. Yes, and you've
made her the happiest woman in the

Major.

Now, look, Private.

Yes, sir?

Private. Yes, sir? It's hard.

Yes, sir?

There are certain things that must be
said.

Yes, sir.

Private. Yes, sir?

Please, please don't look at me when I'm
talking to you.

Yes, sir.

It's just that the public has a certain
conception of good looks. Now, they may

be wrong.

Of course they're wrong. Why, my mother
always said that I was attractive.

Your mother?

Your dice major?

Private?

Yes, sir?

Would you step into the office for a
minute?

Of course, sir.

How's this?

Come on in. The army's fine.

Very good.

Who did it? Who did it? How did it
happen? I was just following orders. I

picked up the phone. I wasn't even here.

You picked him as one of the ten
handsomest men on the post. How did it

Well, sir, it's a long plane ride and
the pressure, you see.

Pressure? You don't know what pressure
is.

We have a new commanding officer here we
haven't even seen yet. Yeah, General

Kramer. He's the toughest officer in the
army. I hope we all like Iceland.

General, answer it.

Answer it.

Answer it. Me?

Sergeant Bilger reporting.

General Kramer, yes, sir.

Well, sir, there's a problem here at the
Major's office.

And, sir, we would appreciate it very
much if you could give us some time,

and clear this thing up. Only you can do
it, sir.

Thank you so much, General.

Only he can do it. Well, of course,
General Kramer. He's a war hero. He's

death many times. He can face Doberman.

Get him.

You're right. The General can explain
that a man that looks like Doberman

just... Can't be on a poster for the
United States Army. That's right.

photographer here to take my picture.
You're going to meet the famous General

Kramer. Be quiet.

Attention, General Kramer.

Well?

Well, sir, we were wondering if you
could explain...

Who is this soldier?

Private Doberman, sir.

Very good -looking soldier.

He should be on the recruiting poster.

Yes, sir.

Anything else? No, sir.

Carry on.

Sergeant Wilco. Yes, sir. In ten
hours... the presses start grinding out

million posters with Doberman on them.
You'd better think of something.

I got it.

Gentlemen, we proudly present this
year's new recruiting poster.

Private Doberman, if you please.

Private McCluskey played by Eric
Clement.

The Major was played by John Borough.
The Captain was Nelson Olmsted.

The Lieutenant was Tom Poston. And
General Kramer was played by Jim White.