All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s02e04 The Girl From Italy

And I promised my wife I'd get tickets
for My Fair Lady.

I'm sorry, we're sold out for the next
six months. Next.

Is there anything at all for this month?
I'm sorry, madam, we're sold out for

the next six months.

All right, folks, don't panic. It's as
much as the attack evacuation drill. I'd

like

to have four seats down front for
tonight's performance, please. We're

for the next six months.

The next months? What a pity. Well,
we'll just wait.

You'll wait? Oh, yes.

Set up the camp right here in the lobby.
In the lobby?

Mr. Levin, the producer will be right
out. Good heavens, why bother him? We

what to do. We've had basic training.

Oh, look, run a hose outside to the
hydrant so we can have water for the

portable showers.

Showers!

Oh,

listen.

Have you got that army garbage disposal
unit to fit into the lobby? Yes, sir.

Now, as to laundry... I tell you what
we'll do with the laundry. We'll hang

wash out on the marquee. Excuse me, I'm
Herman Levin, the producer. What's going

on here? Congratulations, you have a
magnificent show out here.

Now, look, I want to alert you, Mr.
Levin.

It's not his time to smell smoke in the
theater. Please don't be alarmed. It'll

be just us cooking in the laundry.
Cooking? Oh, it's just for six months.

months? Let's get our tickets to my fair
lady. Whatever, sir.

You'd better give me two. Oh, are your
folks coming, Corporal? Yes, they are.

The wife with the children? With the
children. Can you tell me a good diaper

service? Excuse me.

Are you men crazy? You can't set up camp
in the lobby without my permission.

Without your permission?

Did you hear that, folks? Will you step
in here in a minute? He says we need his

permission.

Did we need his permission when we
camped on Saipan?

with those bullets flying past. Just a
moment, please. There's been a little

misunderstanding here, folks. Would you
step this way, please?

Henry, the floor tickets that I set
aside for my parents.

Here you are. I hope you enjoy the show.

Thank you very much. All right, folks.
Everything's all right. Don't interrupt

the lobby. I don't know.

Everybody out.

Oh, yes.

My respects to Mr. Harrison. He might
enjoy this with his tiffin. Shall we?

I don't understand. Everybody says it's
tough to get tickets to My Fair Lady.

Sergeant, your date's name is Gretchen.
I know what she looks like. Yeah, I'll

try. Wait a minute, wait a minute. In a
nice way. See if you can get her

measurements. Her measurements?

You're going to my fair lady. Come on.

I'll try. Okay.

I'll be right home, Mark.

Ernie would like to know Gretchen's
measurements.

What's the matter with you?

I have to go to my brother's wedding,
right? Right. Well, it's off.

It's off?

That's rough.

Forty -two.

You mean to call him Forty -two where?
Where? I don't know.

Ernie would like to know where.

Sarge, he just met her for the first
time this morning. She just got off the

boat from Italy. Just got off the boat.

You see, Sarge, it's one of those old
country arranged marriages. My uncle and

brought her over from the other side on
my jerky brother. He didn't want to

marry her. This is a fine time to talk.

42 is not her age. Find out the right
thing.

Well, Sarge, I guess I've got to go now.
Boy, I hate to face that scene. Wait a

minute. What are you all so down in the
dumps about? Well, that's all right,

Sarge. You and Henshaw have a good time.
I'll go home, huh?

Settle down. I'm your sergeant. Your
problems are mine. You want me to go

with you?

Yeah, but you're going to be busy. It's
all right, Sarge.

Things can be worked out. Here, you take
the tickets.

Meet the girls in the lobby. I'll be
there before the show starts, all right?

All right, Sarge. Come on, I'll get into
my civilians in your house. Thanks,

Sarge. Don't make a tragedy out of
anything.

No, sir.

No good.

What a shame. What a shame.

What are they going to say in Barbiccia?
I don't care what they say in some

little Italian town hall. This is
America, and I'm not going to marry her.

Don't. Spend the rest of your life with
the bombs in Goruc's pool room. She's a

nice girl.

She got here this morning and already
she's making bread for the whole

neighborhood. This is a fine time to say
no. What am I going to tell your Uncle

Dominic and your Aunt Maria?

They came all the way from Italy with
her. It was all arranged.

Don't talk in Italian. They understand.

They still think that there's going to
be a wedding.

I don't even know her. You were engaged
with her the day you were born. Why

didn't you say something then?

Oh, why didn't I say something then?
She's a nice girl and she loves you. Oh,

Mama, please.

Here.

My Sergeant, I need Bilko. You know, I
wrote you all about him. Sergeant Bilko!

Sergeant Bilko, this is my compadre,
Dominic, his wife, Maria.

They have just come from Italy now, this
morning.

That's right.

Hi, how do you do?

Hello, Joe.

Oh, I speak English.

Hey, Sergeant, this is my brother, Andy.
Hello, Andy. How are you? Sergeant

Bilko, don't talk to that bum. No,
because he puts shame on this family.

Oh, for heaven's sake, they want me to
marry a peasant.

A peasant? And you are a loafer and a
bum, you disgraziado. Papa!

She's in the bedroom, she hears you.

Okay, Sergeant, talk to him.

So, Pa, what do you want from the
Sergeant? Let the Sergeant decide.

Me? Yes, because Rocco, he always right
how smart you are. So now I'm going to

introduce you to Rosa, and then you tell
my Angelo how lucky he is. You shut up!

You will do what the sergeant says. What
I said? Leave him alone. He's got

nothing to do with it.

Here she comes.

Ecco, il mio figlio Rocco.

Cugina, come sta?

E il sergente Bilko.

What he said, I said.

God,

look, look how she looks at him with
love in the eyes.

Did you get a hold of her? Shut up!
Because of you, your uncle and your aunt

will have to take her back, even without
some backing.

Please, please, please.

They don't know nothing.

Do you want a pizza?

We don't want pizza.

Well, Sergeant, what is your decision?

My decision?

Sergeant, say the truth.

Ma, what do you want for a money? Well,
I guess you better, Sergeant, because if

you don't, this will go on forever.

Well, if you want the truth, in my
opinion, well... You see, what was good

you in the old country?

Doesn't necessarily mean it's good for
Angie.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, Angie's an American. He's
21. He's got a right to choose his own

wife. Okay, you're satisfied? You asked
him and he told you.

Look, Mrs. Barbello, please don't put me
in this... You asked me and I told you.

Okay, Sergeant, you told us. Now you
tell them.

Hey, Pa, what do you want me to tell
them? He can't tell them. Then you tell

them. Me?

For heaven's sake, Pa, I'll tell them.

Look, Rosa.

Mrs.

Barfella, is it?

Mino, do not.

Me no say.

I'm sorry. I got some people waiting for
me, Rock. You know that. You better

hurry, Sarge, because you're going to
miss the curtain.

Yeah, I'll have to go. Excuse me.

I hope she doesn't think this is my
fault. Oh, don't worry about it, Sarge.

go back there, at least you'll find
another fellow.

Yeah, well, because I didn't. I'll see
you around. Right.

Sarge, you're going to miss the show.

Well, at least I can do a say goodbye to
her, isn't it?

I just wanted to say goodbye.

Arrivederci, Rosa.

Look, Rosa.

Honey, I know you don't understand me,
but look, you wouldn't be happy married

to a fellow who doesn't love you.

Oh, look, it seems serious now, but go
back to Italy, throw a few coins in the

fountain, and I'll bet before no time
you'll be married to Rosanna Brasi.

Look, honey, it's not my fault that he
doesn't want to marry me. Oh, you love

him?

Well, look, I love Marilyn Monroe.

But when she got married, I didn't go to
pieces.

I tried to kill myself, but I got over
it. Look,

Rosa, you wouldn't be happy married to a
guy. He wants to choose his own wife,

don't you have?

Just a minute. Hey, so I can spew heads.
He's calling from the lobby. Come on.

Well, what am I going to... All right,
tell him. Look, Rosa, Rosa, come on,

baby. No, cry. You're too young. You go
with Rocco later. You see moon pictures.

You like a Sinatra.

You go see Sinatra. No, no, don't cry.

Hey, Sarge, the play started already. We
went in without you. Did I miss much?

The whole first scene. Boy, it's
terrific.

It's about this professor who picks up
this ragged little dame who can hardly

speak correct English and changes her
into a lady.

He changes her into a lady?

What do you mean?

Oh, I see.

New clothes.

Dresses her up.

Yeah.

Yeah. Okay.

Well, what is it, Sarge? Yeah.

Yeah.

This has got to go.

Then we'll take this off.

Then this has got to come off. Sarge,
you're crazy. Your uncle's in here in a

room.

Is that how your mind works?

Any girl who's in love with a guy like
she is deserves a good break. Now, let

handle this. Yeah, but Sarge. But Sarge,
Angie don't want her. Look, when I get

through with her, he's going to want her
more than anything he's ever wanted in

his life. Come with me, Rose. Come,
come, come, come.

Rose is going to come with me and do it.
Do it, Rose. What is that?

What's this?

They want to know where you're taking
Rose.

Tell them she's in good hands. Leave
everything to me. It's going to be...

them she's with an American soldier.

Un buen hermano soldado americano.

Soldado americano.

Fifteen. Ah, this is sixteen here. I'm
sorry, sir. You'll have to wait. Oh, you

don't understand. We have a
disappointment here. But I'm not rude,

Yes. Oh, I see.

Touch it. Don't touch it. Don't lay a
finger on it. Leave it just as it is. As

it is. May I introduce myself? I'm from
Vogue magazine.

Vogue. We're desperate for a cover
picture. The new hairstyle.

This is it.

But the curlers are still in. Don't you
understand? That's what we want. The

curlers. It gives us that new metallic
look.

But don't we have time? Oh, good
heavens, she doesn't understand. She

Look, rush right over to our offices.
The photographer's awaiting.

Ask for Pepe. He's our best man. And
tell him I've said to call it the

unfinished symphony. But I'm not
waiting. No, but you must go just the

are. They're waiting.

Get a cab. It's waiting. Ask for Pepe.
But I...

Where's Mrs.

Duffel? Oh, she had to leave.

What can I do for you, sir?

For me, it's too late.

I want you to work on her.

Perhaps a feather barber and a sweep.
Use your imagination. Let it soar. Did

say Pepe? Pepe, he has the little... Oh,

no, no, no. Don't touch it.

I want you to cut this. Cut and let your
imagination run

rapid. Do you understand?

Yeah, Hans.

What do you mean I'm missing my fair
lady? I'm in it.

Yeah. I've got to get her into an
expensive gown.

Listen, is Gretchen still there with the
42...

Look, just keep in touch with her.

Yeah, all right.

Well? The place is called Snowblee's.
It's the most expensive dress shop in

York. Very good. Yeah, but Sarge, we're
broke.

Broke, broke. That's just the state of
mind.

Hey. What'd she say? She asked if you
liked it.

Oh, bella, bella.

Hey, look who's got an Italian boy
haircut.

Uncle, what do you think of your wife?

Hello, Joe.

Nobody there especially proud.

Midnight in Montmartre.

And now our next model is... Let's do
this! Let's do this!

What do you mean?

What do you mean?

I wanted to shoot this picture in Italy,
but no!

You talked me into New York. I beg your
pardon. Get them into their gowns. The

gowns? That's all I need is one more
delay. I beg your pardon. Gowns? Gowns,

yes! Didn't you set it up? Yes, sir.
What's going on here?

You told me out of Italy. I didn't know
it.

Will you please get them into that?
Isn't asking too much?

We're already a month behind schedule.
Took us two weeks to get permission to

rope off Times Square for the festival
scene. Took another week's delay to

up a thousand actors who can play Focci.

And now, now we find out that the climax
of the picture, they won't let me set

fire to the front.

Set fire to the front?

You talked me out of Italy. In Italy,
they offered to let me burn Naples. And

here we are, stuck behind...

Don't just stand there, man. They're
gowns. They're gowns. What do you mean

they're gowns? Oh, I see you're covering
for him. I want this man's name.

Immediately. This is Bergdorfer Goodman.
Bergdorfer Goodman. This is Snowbly.

I've... Snowbly?

You mean we're in the wrong store?

The wrong... I'll rip you... I give up.
You produce the picture. But E .B.,

he... You. You tell the bank that the
$10 million picture is being held up

because you brought Gina to the wrong
store.

You mean she's Gina?

Not in front of her. She'd be furious if
she thought someone didn't recognize a

smile of her. Smile, smile.

Thank you very much.

Don't overdo it. Anna will be curious.

You recognized her right away, did you?
Bless your heart. Smile at her.

She's terribly sensitive. She had a game
made for the picture. She's awfully,

awfully sensitive about that. I don't
believe I know this gentleman. Oh, that

was nice of you, pretending you didn't
recognize Vittorio.

He's been discarded.

He doesn't want Shelly Winters to know
he's in town.

Oh, my man, be a good fellow. Call
Bergdorf Goodman. Tell him he'll be

presently. Will you do that? That's a
good shot. Excuse me, sir.

Call the mayor. Maybe you'll let us burn
Brooks.

Shut up. Shut up.

Look, we've been looking for a big movie
credit like this for years.

Gina, Anna, and Snowbly Downs in a $10
million picture.

Do you think you can swing it? Leave it
to me.

I'll let you try as long as you're here.
Oh, no, no, no. I know what you're

thinking of. No, no.

Oh, no, no, sir. We have dressmakers,
designers. Just give us one hour.

sir. We'll show you. I can't fight
anymore.

All right.

Now, sir, if you'll just tell us what
kind of gown you would

like. The kind of gown I see.

You stopped, didn't you? Oh, yes. Thank
heavens I tracked you down. There's an

entire office of photographers waiting.
Go, go, go. But I haven't any clothes.

Well, you'll be biased. Maybe he has a
mustache.

Hello.

Is this the box office at the Hellinger
Theater?

An emergency. Get Dr. Henshaw to the
phone immediately.

You'll have no trouble locating him.
Yes, he's in an Army Corporal uniform.

Yes, he's in disguise. He's a doctor for
the FBI.

Hey, Sarge, look.

Presenting the Snobly original Gina in
Magenta.

Bella, Bella.

Oh, I don't believe it, Rock.

If you don't believe that's right, you
don't know what it is.

Oh, Bella. And the credit will be... Of
gowns by Snobly, of course. Thank you,

sir. Uncle, uncle, look at your wife.

The professor gets this little doll all
dressed up and takes her to a big fancy

ball. Sarge, she looks sensational.

You're telling me.

What happens then?

Well, a good -looking society guy takes
one look at her, falls in love with her,

and wants to marry her.

Wants to marry her. That's all I want to
know.

Your brother is a dead duck. Hey, baby.

Avante Colucci's pool.

Hey, Angie, can we borrow the keys to
your car? Sure thing. Let after this

You and Ernie got a couple of chicks
lying around? No, Ernie's going to take

Rosa out tonight.

Rosa? That's that greenhorn I was
telling you about, the one my folks

stick on me.

He must be desperate. Hey, Angie, do you
remember Rosa?

Sure.

It was a hanger and you missed it.

Can we have the keys to your car,
please? Sure, sure. That's a good

Is this the ignition key or is this the
key to the truck?

I assume the registration's in the glass
compartment.

Well, never mind. We'll find it. Come
on. Get on me.

Let's go. Wait a minute. Where are you
going? Oh, who knows?

Copacabana, Latin Quarter. We don't
know.

Look, I'm not doing anything. Maybe I...
Come on, Angie. Give me a break. I

mean, after all, how often does stuff
like that come off a boat?

Another banana split. She's going

to eat her way right out of this dress.

Sarge, can't we go home now?

No. Time for another call to your
brother. On a double.

Sarge, Angie already has fraud in her
mouth.

Frauding ain't good enough. You've got
to want to marry her. Look, I know. I've

frauded many a time, but I'm still a
bachelor.

Oh, you're the 21st.

No more, no more champagne. Please,
Rosa.

What is that? Oh, excuse me a minute.
What is it, Rosa?

Well, I don't want to in front. All
right, Rosa, dear.

Oh, Rosa, please, you're roaming.

She's in pain, but she's fun.

She is fun. Don't worry.

Just to say once you want to marry her.
Why must I make up my mind right away?

I never have any fun.

Look at Rosa, Mama.

Rosa! My woman's a fan, not all of you.
Wait, wait, wait. Listen to this. Listen

to how cute it is. Say, say.

What have you been doing with my girl?
Your girl? What are you talking about

your girl? You didn't even want to marry
her. I changed my mind. mind. He

changed his mind. You're all witnesses.

He changed his mind. He wants to marry
her. I just want a little time to get to

know her. A little time? Well, I could
use a little time, too.

Rocco, would you mind escorting me?

Take the future Mrs. Bilko into the next
room. I'm sure she wants to freshen up

a bit. Thank you so much.

You're going to marry her? Are you
kidding? You can't even talk to her.

Please. There's only one language.

The language of love.

Spiridon de San Domenico.

Come in to our survey agenda.

Hey, Sarge, he's blowing his hat.

Come on, man, what are you doing to my
girl?

Sarge, Sarge.

Sarge,

he said he loves her.

Not enough, he's got to want to marry
her.

You know the good -looking guy that
falls in love with the girl and wants to

marry her? Yeah, he marries her, right?

No, no, no. Here's the switch. The
professor falls in love with her

What?

You're kidding. You're not going to go
through with this, are you? Oh, but I

love her. You love her, but does she
love you?

Tell her.

Tell her about the time she just had
shawls on and he didn't want her. He was

a pool room.

Yeah.

Tell her who worried about her, got her
into a new hair gown and all the

dressings and everything. Tell her.

Yeah.

And tell her that you're sure you're not
losing anything in the translation.

A toast to the bride and the groom. Come
on, everybody.

Come on.

Oh, Rock, let that be a lesson to you.

Never again, I'll have anything, nothing
to do with a woman again.

See what I think?

Yeah? Hey, Sarge, it's Hank. Who cares?
What does he want? Hey, Sarge, I got the

stuff outside.

No, I'm not interested.

Oh, you got to take one look at
Gretchen. I don't want to see anybody.

Oh,

are you the little hot member I'm
supposed to have the date with?

Sarge, I forgot to tell you. She don't
speak one word of English. She don't?

Sprechen Sie Deutsch?

Also seen in tonight's cast were Augusta
Morigi as Mrs. Barbella, Dino Terranova

as Mr. Barbella, Jesse Checco as Aunt
Maria, Louis Bartolotti as Uncle

and Sal Dano as Angie.

Rosa was played by Anna Rosselli.