All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s02e03 Bilko Goes To College

Justin, expelling you from school would
break your father's heart.

I know, Dean Seymour. But look at these
marks. Failing in every subject. Falling

asleep in classes.

I'm sorry, sir. Of course, if you insist
on gambling all night with those low

characters in town... It's Sergeant
Bilko to see you. Bilko? He's in charge

that motor pool platoon. We're here to
give our ROTC unit their four -week

training course in Army vehicle
maintenance.

He says it's urgent. Well, send him in.

Justin, I've tried everything to
discipline you, to break you of your

gambling. Sir, this is a pleasure. My
men and I have just been on this ivy

-covered capital's yacht just for ten
minutes, and already the spirit of

is in our blood.

Schmill, men!

Schmill, men!

Observatory! Hill, men! Oh, it's a grand
show!

Sergeant Bilko, you said there's
something urgent.

Yes, there is. My men and I were rather
upset to find that no arrangements had

been made for a dance welcoming us to
the campus. Dance?

Yes, but fortunately I had some tickets
printed.

for a welcome visiting soldier's dance
to our campus affair.

There'll be a slight charge, but the
faculty is admitted free. You can be

to it or not.

Sergeant Goethe, if you and your men
have looked forward to a gay and

stay in some playboy college, forget it.
Schmill is interested only in the

development of the mind. Sir, it's just
a little fundraising activity.

That's all.

Well, sir, I am disappointed.

I thought that after the stern
discipline in life we lead in the

You've changed your mind about the
dance, have you?

Discipline. Army discipline.

We'll need a glee club, sir, to give the
opening... Sergeant Bilko, you're just

the man I need to help me with Justin.
This is Justin Pierce. How are you? Now,

we'll need a place for the girls to
change. You see, the bus is picking them

at the pickle factory. They can't bear
us.

We'll have to have some... Sergeant
Bilko, I want Justin to take that ROTC

training course under you.

Justin comes from a good family.

His father is chairman of the Pierce
Steel Company. We have the steel

Who? Who's the steel...

I don't believe I've had the pleasure.
How are you?

Glad to shake your hand. Like him. Liked
him the minute I saw him. There's

character here, sir. Character gone
wrong, Sergeant. The trouble with Justin

he gambles.

Gambles! The son of a millionaire, and
he gambles. Good boy!

Sergeant Bilko, I'm depending on you to
teach this young man there's something

in life besides poker. Sir, I assure
you, I'll never leave his side.

You have a knack for the devil's way,
have you, young man?

Gee, I hope this college life don't
soften me up.

All right, all right, get moving. You
know what happens in a new base? The

thing we set up is the card table. Look
at that. Move, move.

You're on a college campus. You stand
still. Ivy grows all over you. Put the

chair right there.

Right there where young Mr. Pierce will
sit.

Sarge, taking a college kid at cards.
What are you talking about? I'm simply

following instructions from the dean. I
was told to show him there are other

things in life besides poker.

I'm going to show him there's...

Gin Rummy, Fan Tan, Black Jack.

Tremendous fan of time permits.

I'll induct him into the mysteries of
two -card coyote.

Sarge, two -card coyote. He's only a
kid.

A millionaire kid.

Here he comes, Sarge. Oh, now you army
men, we have to set an example for these

young men in college.

The first thing we do is... Oh, there
you are.

Hey, doesn't he look nice in his
uniform? Not above... Not above any

checks, no doubt.

Now, you notice, son. You notice how
they move when I yell. That's army

discipline. Sit down.

I'm going to induct you in some training
manuals that, oh, good heavens, the

boys left their cards.

They're continually playing Old Maid.
Oh, Maid, that's a laugh.

Oh, is it? Well, if you know a game that
has more spice to it, I don't mind

learning. Oh, do you ever play gin
rummy? Gin rummy. Gin rummy. Uh, is that

game where somebody yells, bingo?

Oh, this is pitiful.

None of them. Now, each gets ten cards.

Excuse me, isn't this sometimes played
for money? Like a penny a point, a

quarter a box, five dollars a game, and
double for blitzes? I thought you didn't

know this game. Oh, I hear these
expressions in smoking rooms. I think, I

I know what you're talking about.

Now, you found yourself a new game,
Justin?

Little Louie. Who is this man? A
gambler.

Please, I saw him first. Out, out, boys.

Just a minute.

This punk's been playing it pretty big
in a poker game I run in town.

I got a thousand bucks of his IOUs and I
want it now.

Oh, $1 ,000. Give it to him, Justin.
Let's go out with our... I believe I was

dealing. $1 ,000? I haven't got a dime.

You haven't got a dime? If we don't get
it from you, we know where to go.

Oh, please, Louie, not my father. Just
give me time.

You got time.

Till tomorrow.

Not a dime.

You're like this. My father worked his
way through college, and he's making me

do the same. Please, we've got our own
troubles. You like my luck?

I'm the only guy in the world who meets
a millionaire who doesn't got a dime.

When my father finds out I've been
gambling, he'll disown me. Please, I got

own problems. Don't give me time.

In two years, I inherit the whole steel
company.

Steel company?

You inherit a steel company in two
years? I'm president with unlimited

But you're right, this isn't your
problem. What do you mean, this isn't my

problem?

Your problems are my problems. I help
you, maybe in two years you'll help me.

President of the steel company, huh?

I mean, your father didn't just say this
in a jovial mood one night. I mean,

you've got this in writing.

It was in grandfather's will.

Grandfather's? Good boy.

Let's go.

You mean you're going to pay the
thousand?

Pay? I made a rule earlier in life never
to pay when you can talk your way out

of it. Oh, talking to Louie won't help.
It's Big Ed McMillan who's head of the

gambling syndicate.

Big Ed McMillan? Don't tell me you're
involved with him.

That sneaky character who's got his
itchy fingers in every gambling

Bookmaking Enterprises. Yeah, yeah,
yeah. Do you know him? No, but he's

been my idol.

Now, come right in, boys. Mr. McMillan,
this is the most thrilling moment.

Excuse me. It's my daughter. She's ten
years old.

That's it, darling.

Now say bye -bye, Daddy.

She said bye -bye. Smart. Smart. Only
ten years old and she came out with a

-bye.

What is it this time, boy? Selling war
bonds?

Oh, no, it's just a small matter, Mr.
McMillian.

This poor unfortunate boy in uniform, it
seems that there is some little...

Excuse me, I have an I .O .U. here.

Justin Pierce, Jr.? Yes, sir. It's only
a thousand dollars, you see, but...

I haven't the money right now. Son, you
have nothing to worry about.

Did I tell you? Did I tell you the
bigger they are, hot? Has he got hot?

I'm sure when I speak to your old man as
one businessman to another, he'll go as

high as ten grand to keep the side of
the papers. My father... Oh, he's

son. Listen, you punk.

Don't come into his office and play tin
soldier with me.

Just because you're wearing that
cornball uniform, don't come around here

waltzing on bets.

Look, nobody is waltzing on bets. I
want... Tiny!

Get these army slobs out of here. Just a
minute. What's that language?

Nobody called any... I don't... I think
they want us over there. Let's go, go.

And don't let him come back, you cunts.

Sarge, why don't you forget about it?
McMillan is too big a man to try to get

even with. No man is too big for the
United States Army. He's going to pay

this. What did he call me? You got here
10 horned soldiers. Put that down. 10

horned soldiers that's going to cost him
$500.

Cornball uniform.

Cornball uniform. Put down $1 ,000.

Army slobs. Army slobs. That's the
one... 2 ,500.

If I let them off for less, I would
never be able to face the colonel again.

Next. Goldbreaker.

$100. Only $100?

Let's face facts. I've been called that
before. Let's be fair about it.

What is the total? $4 ,000.

$4 ,000, gentlemen. That's what it's
going to cost big shot Mr. McMillan to

back these insults. And furthermore...
Before he accepts his money, he's going

to have to eat this entire piece of
paper. Because someday... Watch out,

comes the team. Stand back, you want to
be crushed? That was invigorating

practice. What's invigorating?

This is the team that plays Notre Dame.

Okay, fellas, hold it. Here comes Coach
Abernathy.

Ladies and gentlemen, you were marvelous
in the field today.

Now, this is the finest team that
Schmiller's ever presented.

Don't forget those secret plays I told
you. The flying wedge.

Dismissed. Have a nice game, fellas.

Please, please.

Forgive me if I seem over -curious, but
this is the team that plays Notre Dame?

Yeah. Who arranges this game? Blue
Cross?

This is murder.

Come on, fellas, let's take our showers.
Hey, you better use the buddy system.

You'll go down the drain. Watch
yourself.

All right, back the way.

Milk plays Notre Dame?

Is this record for real?

You mean that Schmill has never scored
one point on Notre Dame? And Notre Dame

never scored less than 100.

I wonder what the odds on this year's
games will be.

Oh, Sarge, those bookmakers ain't that
dumb. They're going to take any bets on

Notre Dame.

Suppose you wanted to bet on Schmill.
Bet on Schmill?

No one in history ever bet on Schmill
against Notre Dame. You could get 1 ,000

to 1, Sarge.

1 ,000 to 1, huh?

There's a soldier here about a charity
for the army.

Oh, send him in. Always glad to see the
boys in uniform.

Sir, I represent a committee that wants
a level Bunker Hill.

Out! Oh, you don't understand, sir. The
height of Bunker Hill has caused poor

television reception at Ford Breed. Out!
The kid pays the grand or else. Oh,

that. I didn't come to see you about
that.

No? And what do you want?

I wondered if I could make a little bet
on the Schmill Notre Dame game.

Oh, how clever you are.

You won't... me to take pity on a
soldier and take a sucker bet on Notre

I don't know what you're talking about.
I want to bet $100 on Schmill.

You want Schmill?

If the odds are right.

Odds. Hmm.

I might be able to give you a thousand
to one.

That's a bet.

Uh -huh.

And here's my slip.

Here's a $100 bill with my name and
permanent post so you can send me the

,000 when Schmill wins.

When Schmill wins.

I'll be seeing you. Beat it, dog face.

Dog face. Add $1 ,000 to his credit.

Now, thank you, gentlemen. I want you to
meet my new assistant.

Bilko, sir. Ernie Bilko.

Now, men, I'm going to handle the
publicity for this team. I'm going to

sporting world what I see here. And I'd
like to tell you right here and now, I

like what I see.

I see the roughest, toughest team that
the old fox has ever put out on the

field. The old fox?

Who's that?

That's you.

Old Fox.

That's you. Refer to him by that name in
every press release. Remember that.

Old Fox, you're great.

Old Fox.

Old Fox.

Now listen to me.

I know your record against Notre Dame is
not very good due to the lack of

manpower. But this year we got it.

Now, give me a list of the names and the
weights of the men you're sending to

the newspapers.

Quarterback Cyril G. Hush, Jr., weight
126 pounds. That's me. Excuse me, I

see Mr.

Cyril B. Hush.

I see Swivel Hips Hush, weight 200
pounds. Put that down. 200 pounds. Next,

Skyler Van Twitzel.

How are you, crazy legs? Crazy legs?

Crazy legs. Broken field runner, weight
240 pounds.

240? Think big and you'll be big. He's
thinking big. Put down 260 pounds.

Who's next?

Dexter Lauradale. Don't stand up, Ox.
Ox. Yes, Ox Lauradale.

240 pounds of the plunginest fullback
that ever hit the line. Now, the line.

Oh, that's... Ha! Ha! No names!

The line is referred to as those seven
rocks of Gibraltar. Total weight, five

tons. Five tons.

Now, get that to the IMSUP and the AP
and give it this heading.

Schmill Avengers cry, bring down Notre
Dame.

But, Sergeant, you can't.

What was that expression?

There it is, the old frame. The easiest
hundred I ever made.

He even put his name and address on it
so I know where to send the hundred

grand.

You know something? I think I'll hang it
right over there.

Here's half your paper, boss. Thanks.

I could have given him a million to one.
I want you to spread this around, boys.

It's good for my reputation.

We sure will.

Fast, heavy smell.

Oh, a thousand to one. What a chunk.

Anybody thinking he could take the boss
for a hundred Gs?

Something wrong, boss? Shut up.

Hey, boss. Shut up.

He built the Roseville, Kansas.

Who handles our bets around Roseville,
Kansas?

Blinky Newman. Blinky Newman, huh?

Get me Blinky Newman.

Hey, boss, you don't think this
soldier's an operator, do you? An

Hello, Blinky.

This is Big Ed McMillan.

No, no, there's nothing wrong.

Hey, did you ever run into a soldier
down there?

I think his name is Bilko.

Boss, look, I went and bought the books
a long time ago.

You can't beat him.

No kidding.

Why don't you go down and buy it back?

Me go to see a soldier? You don't know
Big Ed McMillan. I wouldn't walk across

small road to see a general.

What are you all worried about?

Those school kids playing the best team
in the country.

Give me the race results.

The surprising news from Schville has
the sports world agod. With players like

the Ox, Swivel Hips and Crazy Legs.

do if reporters try to get him to see
practice?

Fine, and put bayonets on there. Keep
them out. Got you.

Get these to all the papers. Get that
release out.

Old Fox Abernathy slugs newspaper man
for trying to invade secret practice.

did this happen?

Tomorrow. But, Sergeant, you can't...
Now,

does the Fox know what to do when they
ask him a question?

Smile and wink.

Good.

The Miller's limousine just pulled in.

Listen, those pro football players in
the army that I had shifted at this

outfit, do they know what to do? All
rehearsed, Sarge. They're in the shower.

Hey, come.

Yes, who?

Life magazine.

What? That's a lie.

Confidential did not get into secret
practice.

No, no newspaper. I'm sorry. Please,
please. You're embarrassing me and

yourself. Oh, these newspaper people. No
newspaper people, please.

Well, bless my soul, it's Mr. McMillan,
the chair boy. Quickly.

Never mind, soldier boy.

I've got good news for you.

My conscience has been bothering me. I'm
going to let you off the hook.

Now, here's your hundred back.

Plus a hundred.

Now, give me the slip.

Not interested.

Not interested.

Take a look at that sporting company
that's making the uniforms. Oh, don't be

chump. Dear sirs, what do you mean you
can't make the uniforms big enough?

Why, that size 78 sweater wasn't big
enough to get over the ox's head.

400, that's final. I'm gone. Goodbye.
Now, when I asked for cast iron

dummy... What's wrong, fellas?

The fox said we weren't big enough to
make the team.

He just looked at us and said we're too
little.

Look, don't take it. Look, fellas, maybe
next year, bid yourself up, drink a lot

of milk, you know.

Now, that's something I hate to see, big
men crying.

Well, back to work.

Where was I? Billko, Billko, I'll go as
high as 500.

500? You'll go as high as 4 ,000.

4 ,000? Yes.

And you'll eat every piece of this
paper.

Eat that paper?

Why, you crumb, I... Write this down.
Make it 5 ,000. He said crumb.

I'll give you a lot more where it's
free.

If you think all that newspaper... but
talking is going to scare me. You don't

know Big Ed McMillan. You just blew 600
because I ain't coming back. Wait.

Red tie?

I don't like red on you. I don't like
it.

Let's get out of here.

600 bucks.

He hasn't even reached the first
plateau.

The iron curtain around the powerhouse
bill team indicates one of the biggest

upsets in football history.

Ed, I just don't understand at all. All
of a sudden you've got high blood

pressure. Well, I would have been a
thousand to one. Get out of here!

I know it's bothered me. All I've been
doing is worrying about that Schmill

Notre Dame game.

Schmill can't win.

Can they?

Boss, maybe you'd better settle. No.

His last offer was only five grand,
boss. I know.

An evening apiece of paper won't kill
you. No, I'd crawl for no... But, boss,

100 Jesus sinkers. That big, fast
Schmill team. That big, fast Schmill

That's all we're thinking about. We're
forgetting that they're playing those

school kids.

Notre Dame, the biggest team in the
country.

Give me the bomb -out results.

Here we are in South Bend, Indiana, to
get the Notre Dame coaches' point of

on Saturday's big game with Schmill.

Coach, what do you think?

Listen to this.

Well, we know we've got a fight on our
hands. To the many friends of Notre

I'd just like to say, you can't win them
all.

But get this. I'll give it to him
straight. No crawling.

I'll show him.

Oh, I almost forgot. He doesn't like
red.

Come on. We've got to get out of here.
Let's get out of here.

Gentlemen, gentlemen.

Please, please, gentlemen.

Please. The old box left word.

Nobody gets into secret practice. Stand
back for the players. Hey, wait a

minute. I know him, Jabelski. He played
in the Chicago Bears before he went to

the Army.

And that's O 'Brien of the Packers. I
took his picture. What are you trying to

pull? These guys are bros.

All right, gentlemen.

The cat's out of the bag, so now you
know. But let me explain what happened.

old fox couldn't get college boys big
enough to scrimmage with the Smil team.

had to settle for pro football players.
The Humane Society insisted.

Practicing with pros! What a team! All
right. He's a very busy man, but you can

see the old fox. Get the coach.

But please, prepare your questions now.
He's a very busy... Here he comes. All

right,

quiet! I'm the old fox. Yes, I told
them. I told them.

Now, what's your question? What about a
coach that's the toughest team you've

ever seen? You. How many points are you
going to beat your by? Hey, are you

going to beat Notre Dame?

You heard the questions, old fox. What's
your answer?

There's your answer. What a story.

Hey, did you see that wink?

He must have a flower house. Now,
gentlemen, you have all the input.

What is this? I just tackled swivel
hips.

Never again.

Are you all right? The ox hit me. I'm
lucky I'm alive.

Keep me alert, those butchers. College
team beating a pro.

Oh, why don't you come back and give him
another... Oh, excuse me. Sergeant

Bilko. Yes?

Remember me? I'm Ed McMillan. Oh, Blue.

Blue. I see you in blue. That's very
charming. You look much better. He likes

it. Thank you.

Look, Sarge.

I may have said a lot of harsh things in
the past. Oh, the past, the past.

Oh, you don't bear grudges, huh?

No more fights? No more anger? Look,
look, here's $1 ,000.

Why don't you wear a Windsor knot would
be better, don't you think? Give me a

break, Bilko. $2 ,000. Why must you wear
the tie crooked?

$3 ,000. I don't know if I approve of
this carnation. It's kind of sad. $4

and a good job with my organization when
your hitch is up. $10 ,000 or you ain't

got an organization.

$10 ,000. $10 ,000 in cash.

10 ,000 cash? You've got to give me a
little time. I'll give you a half hour.

A half hour?

That's more time than you gave young
Justin Pierce, isn't it?

I'll be right back.

Wait.

Don't have anything to eat in the
interim because you'll have to have an

appetite to eat this.

Velko, you're an awful... I'm a what?
Right this time, I'm a what?

I'll be right back.

Sergeant, the dean wants to see you.
Later, later. He's got the faculty heads

with him. It's a must.

All right, all right. Dean, you suppose
he found out about that phony build -up

he's going to cancel the game? He can't
cancel. It's a traditional game.

I better make sure. Look, be sure the
boys, when you get to 10 ,000, they see

him eat this paper. They can't cancel
it.

Schmillman, Schmillman, Randolph.

Oh. Dean Sagamore, you may have seen
certain things in the paper. Let me

you... Sergeant, we, no matter what's in
the papers, we see what's happening on

the campus.

There's a new spirit.

You've made us realize that a university
isn't just laboratories and classrooms.

Students, for the first time, are
walking around with pride, confident

Schmill is going to beat Notre Dame. Oh,
I wouldn't go as far as to say... Bill

Cole, we want you to be the first to
know.

Schmill is going to win. Schmill is
going to win? Well, who says that? The

finest scientific minds in the country,
our faculty heads. We've been working on

this all week.

By using the Hedalian laws of moving
objects, our plays, augmented by Engel's

law of calibrated distance, can place,
they can place all 11 of our players in

front of any Notre Dame runner before he
can take a step. You see, Schmill can't

lose. Coach, quick, what do you think?

Get me the field house. I've got to stop
Rocco. Get me the field... As a

professor of law, I found 11 loopholes
in the intercollegiate football rules,

allowing us to put 14 men on the field.

14 men? Are you sure? 14!

Will you get me the... Wait, wait, wait.
Listen to our psychology, Professor.

By having our players hum a certain
laboratory -tested sound... Hum a sound?

They can get pressed.

demoralize, and bring on a state of
complete melancholia among the Notre

players. I mean, I got to stop.

Rocco, I got to run. Just one more word,
gentlemen.

We'll can't lose.

We'll can't. Can't you? I got to run. 10
,000. Who didn't stand by? We can get a

hunch. Oh, excuse me. Rocco.

Rocco.

9 ,500.

9 ,500.

10 ,000. 10 ,000.

It's all out. Give me back my slip.

Not yet. First, you got to eat this
piece of paper.

I'll be happy to. Rocco.

Stop it. Stop it. We got the money. Give
it to him back. Give it to him back.

A bet is a bet. $10 ,000.

Wait a minute. We can't lose.

We can't lose. We've got 14 Adelians
humming depressing songs.

Science is with us.

Oh, 14, are you here?

Yeah. You remember the secret place?
Yes.

Now. Who are you? I'm the old boss. Oh,
of course. What's the matter?

Now, let me hear that hum.

That's it.

That's the secret. Hey, Notre Dame's on
the field.

All right, men.

This is it.

$50 ,000. Out.

Out. Out.

Out.

Wait a minute.

Gentlemen, in gratitude, I want you to
meet the gentlemen who are responsible

for the scientific plays. Let's show
them what we think of them.

Excuse me. Who are these boys?

Who are these?

This is the schmilt team you said
couldn't lose.

Can't lose? Why, these boys haven't a
chance.

Why, our place was centered around men
like Ox Laura Dale, 235 pounds. The

Rocks of Gibraltar. Just as it says in
the papers and on the radio.

Well, that was publicity.

They're just boys.

Well, they haven't got a chance. It was
just a minute.

Can't science do anything for them? Yes,
after the game.

There have been great advances in first
aid.

time in history you kept Notre Dame
under 100 points.

99 to nothing.

Well,

Big Ed, you won.

Yeah, I won.

Well, look at me.

Thanks, Wilco.

Thanks for what?

Thanks for showing me that I was in the
wrong business.

I'm going to buy a piece of a laundromat
with my brother -in -law.

Good move.

Good move. All right, here.

Here's your betting slip back.

Thanks. Here's Justin's IOU.

Thanks.

Hey, give me that slip with those names
on it that I called you. I want to eat

it. Oh, yeah, but you don't have to eat
it. I want to.

Wait a minute. Let me look at that.

Did you really call me a punk, tin horn
soldier, army slob, gold bricker?

Well, be my guest.

as Corky and Vern Hoffman as Little
Louie.

Now stay tuned for The Addams Family
next on TV Land.