All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s02e02 Its For The Birds

And now, for the last part, for $64
,000, quote in its entirety the poem

begins, Much have I traveled in the
realms of gold.

Much have I traveled in the realms of
gold, and many goodly states and

seen. Round many western islands have I
been.

What's the matter with him? He's stuck.
He stared at the Pacific, and all of his

men looked at each other with, uh, with,
uh... With what?

With a wild surmise, silent upon a pecan
dairy. That is correct!

The sailor won $64 ,000!

Come on, come on! The sailor won!

The marine won!

What's wrong with the army? What are we,
a bunch of dopes?

You realize if one of you guys was an
expert on anything, we could share it?

$64 ,000 would be $5 ,000 apiece!

Hey, I bet if I wrote in an army
confession, they'd grab it up.

Remember, if you wish to appear on the
$64 ,000 question, Send us a letter and

picture. Do not telephone.

Do not telephone.

Do not telephone.

Yes. Thank you. You'll be hearing from
us. Goodbye. Thank you.

What did he say? Just what he said in
the program. You've got to write a

with a contestant's picture in it. Yeah,
but we knew that. Yeah, but I got him

thinking about an army contestant. The
thing is, we get there with a contestant

first.

We've got to find a guy in a post that
knows everything about something.

And this post? Why not? That Marine
captain knew all about cooking. He

even a mess sergeant.

Hey, we got a mess sergeant.

Oh,

there he is. The Picasso of the pots and
pans.

Oh, that is lovely.

Smells like ragu a la dirge.

It does? Yeah. It's chip beef on toast.

He's an expert.

He knows. What do you want, Bilko?

Well, I'll tell you what.

I was thinking of giving my boys a
little surprise party and Bastille Day

coming up. I thought something in the
French style.

You name it, I'll cook it. Two bucks a
head.

All right.

What would you do if we wanted boule
bais a la mousselet?

Well, what do I do? Yes.

I do what I always do. Open a can and
pour it out.

Never mind. He won't do it. How about
spaghetti and meatballs?

Fuck ahead. Forget it. Forget it. He's
not good.

What's that?

It's Mr. Colbert. He did a shoemaker.
His shop's right next door.

An Italian shoemaker. They always win.

Hey, Tony.

You come for your shoes.

Birka, Birka, when did you leave them?
No, we didn't come for the shoes. We

heard you singing outside. Beautiful.
You know all about Italian opera, huh? I

know all Italian music.

La donna nobile, la bella via mori. La,
la,

la.

That's the Verdi, huh?

I beg your pardon? That was Verdi.
Giuseppe Verdi.

Verdi, Verdi. When did you leave them?

Hey, Sach.

When you press by the chaplain, take a
piece to the chaplain, eh? Please, I'm

busy, Tony. I... Wait a minute.

Wasn't there a woman on the $64 ,000
question who was an expert on the Bible?

She won a bundle. Yeah, but who? We got
the... Here, here, here.

Yeah, I'll be glad to take you by to the
chaplain, Tony.

Arrivederci. Ah, grazie, signore.

Come in.

Hi, chaplain. Hello there, Wilco.

Tony wanted me to drop these shoes off.
Well, thanks, Ernest.

You know, chaplain...

Last night, a question about the Bible
came up in our barracks.

In your barracks?

Oh, yes, sir. Really, there's been a big
revival amongst the boys, sir.

Glad to hear it. But you see, Sir
Doberman asked a very important question

nobody could answer at the time.

Doberman wanted to know, what was
David's father's name?

David's father's name? It was Jesse.
Correct!

That's right.

But there was one question that really
stumped us. It was in the... first psalm

of David and the third verse that ends
with, and whatsoever he doeth shall

prosper. What we wanted to know was,
what was the line before that?

His leaf also shall not wither, and
whatsoever he doeth shall prosper.

That's absolutely correct.

You know, chaplain, I have a wonderful
idea. Philco. Yes, sir? I'm not going on

that quiz program.

Question, what would a chaplain do in
a...

How does he do no everything? Keep that
bird quiet out there! Shut up! Sergeant,

will you sign my furlough papers?
Furlough papers? No, I'm busy. Will you

me alone with this? But, Sergeant...
Will you shut up that robin? That's no

robin, Sergeant. Who cares what it is?

That's a black -throated blue warbler.

Latin name, the Neuricus Rulicens.
Breeds in deciduous and mixed woodlands

northern Minnesota through the Plains
states.

This is it!

Yeah. See this bird? Look at that bird.
Oh, identify the bird. That book!

That is a decider. Bring it back here.
What are you doing, sir? Take your hands

off that scientist. We were playing
sheep, run, sheep.

That book, that book, get it out of
here. Forget it. The book's on the

Forget it.

What's with the book? What's the matter
with it? Did you read this book?

Read it, sir. I spent 18 months doing
nothing but reading it.

Really? Well, there must be 64 ,000
birds in that book. 8 ,622.

Isn't that wonderful? Wonderful.

How did this all come about?

That's a terrible story. You see, before
I came here, I spent 23 months on the U

.S. Army Arctic Expedition.

Oh, you were in Operation Deep Freeze.

I was advanced to an advanced weather
hut way up near the pole, and I got

in all by myself.

That's rough.

Well, it wouldn't have been too bad,
except there was nothing to read.

There was only one book in the hut, left
there by the expedition's

ornithologist. All right, this is the
book here. Hang on, hang on, hang on,

on. Take it easy.

For 18 months under the snow, just...

Just me and that book.

I read every page, every word, over and
over and over.

Eighteen months.

I know every picture, every thumbprint,
every grease spot.

Sarge, I never want to see it again.

Well, you don't have to read the book.
All the birds are in your head.

In my head?

That's the trouble.

Everybody thinks I'm dumb.

I'm not dumb. I've got a brain.

It's just that it's full of birds.

Birds, birds, birds.

I've got to forget about it.

Forget about it. Boy, that's why I gotta
get away on my furlough. Hold the

phone. Get away on what furlough? Just
like that, get away on a furlough?

You're a soldier, pal. You just can't
leave what you want. You're not a

commuter. But, Sarge, it's my turn to go
on furlough. Oh, trying to pull

something on the old Sarge. You know
this is Fender's turn to go on a

But Corporal Fender passed up his
furlough just like he always does. Oh,

Let's all take advantage of Corporal
Fender. Doesn't matter to you that he's

a wife and six children and his wife's
mother all in that one room apartment

waiting for Daddy to come on his
furlough. But, Sarge, my family is just

as big as Fender's. All right. I'll try
to talk to Fender. I'll see what I can

do. You stand by and I'll let you know.
You don't go too far so I can get in

touch with you. Oh, thanks.

Fender! Hey,

Fender!

Come to time when every soldier has to
do something beyond the call of duty.

What is it? Sam, I'm going to give it to
you straight.

You've got to go home on furlough.

You're kidding.

I'm not kidding, Sam. Oh, no.

Ask me anything else.

My right arm tights it. You don't know
what it's like.

A wife. A mother -in -law.

Sick space kid, that's all in one room.

Sarge, you've got to help me. No, Sarge.
Calm down.

Is the wife going home on furlough for
$5 ,000? How many days? Three days?

No. Come here.

This is important.

Honiger is a cinch to win the $64 ,000
question. Now, if he goes home on

furlough... There goes our $64 ,000.

Please. Did I ever see you? Listen to
me.

How do you look alive?

What did he say, sir? I'm sorry. I tried
to talk him out of it.

Go home,

happy warrior, to the bosom of your
family. Go home, father, son -in -law,

dad.

He's a lucky guy going home to see his
folks.

I want to talk to you a minute. Listen,
those birds in your head, there must be

some way of getting rid of them.

Why didn't I think of it? The $64 ,000
question.

What an idea!

Quiz program?

Yes, those quiz pros in the very tents,
they shoot questions on you. First thing

you know, the birds will fly out of your
head, out of your mouth, and into the

air. Right out through my mouth?

Into the living room.

Go with him and have your picture taken.
Put a pipe in his mouth, make him look

intelligent. Right,

son.

Here's a $64 ,000 question.

For 18 months under the midnight sun, I,
Corporal Ed Honiger, was stuck.

$64. Identify the bird on the United
States emblem.

That's such a bald eagle.

That's correct.

Polyitis leucocifalus. Wings spread six
to seven and a half feet. White head,

white tail. That's all we need. Near
oceans, rivers, and lakes. Gulf of

North as far as ice -free water permits.
Thank you. That was on page 722. Thank

you.

Can you hear me in there, Ed?

Yeah.

May I have the question, please?

Thank you.

I will read the question once, and you
will have 30 seconds to think it over.

For $32 ,000, the question is in three
parts.

One, identify this bill.

Two, the Connecticut warbler and the
Kentucky warbler are identical in every

except for one detail. What is that
detail?

Three. This is the tail feather of a
bird just flown in from Siberia.

Identify it and give its call.

You have 30 seconds to think it over.

This is a seed -cracking bill of a
Patagonian wood finch. That is correct.

And now, part two.

The Kentucky warbler and the Connecticut
warbler are identical in every way

except for one detail. What is that
detail? During the mating season, the

Kentucky warbler stands on one leg.

That is correct.

And now, part three.

Identify the feather.

Let's see. What page was that on?

Oh, yeah.

the one with the mustard smear.

This is the tail feather of a rufous
-crested latwing, Vanellus europa. Its

song, a hollow three -syllable uluwu,
usually appeared three times, ending on

high woo.

That is correct!

You and your buddies have won $32 ,000.

Now, during the next week, we want you
to decide whether you will go for $64

,000. You are allowed an expert in the
booth with you. And, oh, by the way,

along with the books we gave you last
week, we forgot to include this one.

Werblin's complete study of birds.

Come on.

Come on. Come on.

It's murder. That phone hasn't stopped
ringing since you left.

Telegrams, they never stop, son. It's
just the beginning, boys. They've been

all afternoon making deals. The minute
he answers that $64 ,000 question, this

goes on the market.

Honegan's do -it -yourself bird cage.

Honegan's bird bed.

Run against bird seed.

They've even been doing a special
newspaper with a picture on it from the

of bird cages.

All the way.

Hey, communications.

Are you in touch with our golden goose?
Yeah. They're filling him with kandoski.

Got him outside seeing in the jeep. Get
him in here right away.

Headquarters. Keep in touch with him.
You know what happened when he ran out

the studio? We chased him all through
Times Square.

Hey, this came from a sponsor site. This
came from... What is it?

Werblin's a complete study of fright.

Get this out of here. He sees this,
we're through. Get out of the way. Hide

Hey, Dodgers. That was good, wasn't it?
It sure is.

If you're really going to... to go for
the $64 ,000? He's really going to go.

Did Rockefeller stop at his first oil
well?

There he is. All right, go, fellas. You
all have a chance for his life story.

We'll give you a... There he is. Hiya,
baby. How's it feel to be famous?

What's the difference? The birds are
still in here.

Sorry, I don't want to go home.

Go home?

Come here a minute.

You want to go home? Desert these
thousands of letters that have been

from your buddies, guys who believe in
you, guys who have joined bird -watching

clubs, bird -call clubs.

They're even peeking in nests all over
the country.

These are your buddies. You going to let
them down?

No. Go on in and get a little rest. Be
in time for this question of night.

Okay. Keep an eye on him, Kodowski.

Say, anybody seen a box of cookies my
mother brought me?

Yeah, they're in the bottom drawer of
the dresser in there.

Get a nice tap so you'll be full. Hey,
you're starting with the little boogily

-boogily. How come you know where the
cookies are?

Because I hid the book under them. All
right.

He'll go looking for the cookies. He'll
find the books.

Are you all right? I'm okay. I'm okay.
You all right? Yeah, I'm okay. He's

Yeah, I never felt better in my life.
You never felt better in your life?

Sarge. What?

The birds are gone.

The birds are gone?

What? Just like you said.

All the birds are gone out of my head. I
don't remember a thing about birds.

Sarge, you don't know about birds.

Sarge, relax.

Things are done here. Give me that case
right away.

What is this?

I don't know. Come on. It's a bird. What
kind of a bird?

Is there the chicken?

The chicken!

Sarge, what are we going to do? What are
we going to do? Face it.

The birds flew out of his head and back
to Capistrano.

Don't remember anything. Now go on in
and lie down. Stop packing and we'll go

home.

Pack? But Sarge, what about the contest?

What about it? We make it simple and we
stop at the $32 ,000.

Well, that's $2 ,500 a piece. It doesn't
just need that.

What? What? What?

Well, Sergeant, it's not the 2 ,500.

Well, what is it? Well, a Marine went
for the 64 ,000 and a sailor went for

64 ,000. How's it going to look if the
Army quits at 32?

It's like we surrendered.

At least we can give it the all -Army
try.

All -Army try? What are we, West
Pointers?

There's money in it. All the servicemen.

Oh, go, go. We're all rooting for you.

Make me proud to be in the same Army
with you.

We're rooting for you, buddy.

What? What? He hasn't got a chance.

You ever thought you could take a
nickel? What expert? Who knows as much

it as he does? This man is a blank.

Yeah, but we could try something you
could figure out. Forget it. It's all

I don't know what happened. He went in
there for some cookies and a book fell

him. It's such confusion here. He came
out with a swelling and nobody really

knows... What's up, Sarge? Quiet. The
wheels are beginning to turn.

Suppose I went in the booth with him.

Yeah? You can all give me the answers
right through this, right? What?

How would we know? Of course you'd know.
You'd have all the information right

here. Where's the genius? Palmer. Yeah.

Can you hook up a walkie -talkie? Can
you reach me through that booth through

this? Yeah, you can have a small battery
pack in your pocket.

Simple. Thomas, I'm a double. Yes, sir.
Get over to the National Museum.

You understand? Tell him the Army has
requisitioned every stuff right now.

day. Yeah. Tell him. Go to the public
library. Anything you can find.

week to decide.

Will you take the $32 ,000 you've won,
or do you want to go for $64 ,000?

I can't let my buddies down. I'll go for
$64 ,000.

Now, remember, you're allowed an expert
in the booth with you. Do you have an

expert? Yes, sir. My Sergeant Ernest
Bilko.

Welcome, Sergeant Bilko. Yes, sir. Oh,
I'm sorry. You seem to have been hurt or

wounded. What happened?

I'd rather not talk about it.

Well, we understand.

May I have the booth, please?

Booth?

Hello. Hello.

Hello. He is great, Ernie.

Look at him. Quiet. He's heading for the
booth. All right, you guys. On your

toes. The minute you hear him question,
dig out those answers. Twice.

Check the birds. Check.

Palmer, we got enough power to carry him
in the booth? Yeah, but run for it.

That ladder will overload.

Right. Hedge. Ready. Look. He's in the
booth.

Here we go.

Headquarters to Bilko.

Headquarters to Bilko. You look great,
Ernie.

Can you hear me?

I will read the question once, and you
will have 30 seconds to think it over.

And now, for $64 ,000, may I have the
question and the sealed package, please?

This bird is a rare visitor from the
north.

We want you to tell us, one, its name.

Two, its breeding grounds.

Three, its closest similar species.

Four, its average weight. And five, two
great ornithologists have described the

voice. Give these descriptions and the
names of the men.

You have 30 seconds to think it over.

Be free to consult with each other.

Let's go. It looks like an owl.

It looks like an owl. Hold it up a
little higher. I can't see it.

Hold it up a little higher.

I got something like this stuff. I got
to see the tail.

I need to find it around.

I think I got it. What?

I think I got it.

I think I got it.

Yellow?

Me? You.

Sounds like, sounds like you.

Blue, an owl with blue ears.

I know, blue ears. I think I got it. I
got it. I got it. I got it. I got it.

I got it. I got it. I got it. I got

it.

Richardson's owl.

That is correct.

Now, part two, it's breeding ground.

North Canada, south of Manitoba, Nova
Scotia.

North Canada, south of Manitoba, Nova
Scotia. That is correct.

Now, part three, it's closest similar
species.

Right here, a common soil -wet owl,
which is a much smaller boy.

The common saw -wet owl, which is a much
smaller bird.

A common saw -wet owl, which is a much
smaller bird.

That is correct.

And now part four.

Its average weight.

Three pounds, six ounces.

Three pounds, six ounces.

That is correct.

And now, for the last part of the
question.

If you answer this, you win $64 ,000.
The question is in two parts.

Two great ornithologists have described
the voice. Give these descriptions and

the names of the men.

Breakhole, breakhole, I got one.

Song like a soft, high -pitched bell.
Sir Abner Bent.

Sir who?

Sir Abner Bent.

Song like a soft, high -pitched bell.
Sir Abner Bent. That is correct.

And now, now.

Who is the other one? I need more light.

Terrible. Can we come back next week?

Oh, I feel miserable.

All the birds are back.

Yeah? We'll go right on with the
questions, please. We're all right.

Well, I don't know what to do. We've
never had a situation like this. Right

with the questions, please. Yes, you've
answered all the questions so far. What

questions? Yes, you did all about this
bird.

You mean this Richardson's owl? Correct.

Breeding grounds, North Canada, South of
Manitoba, Nova Scotia. Its closest

similar species is the common saw -wet
owl, which is a much smaller bird.

Average weight, three pounds, six
ounces. Correct.

Its call is like a saw, tight fishbelts
are out in the vent. Correct. Ping,

ping, ping, Sir William Seaton.

Would you mind telling us what you're
going to do with the $64 ,000?

Well, we sort of figured on dividing it
among all of us in the platoon.

He's all hot, this boy, all hot.

No, Sarge, it's you who have the heart.

Thinking of all those guys who wrote in
all those letters who started their own

bird watches clubs, bird study groups,
and building houses for their feathered

friends. Now, isn't that wonderful?
Yeah, that's the way I am. What are you

going to do? Yes, Sergeant. To make you
happy, I'm going to turn this $64 ,000

over to a special fund to buy
binoculars, bird books, and anything

needed for our armed forces all over the
world for the advancement of this

wonderful science.

Don't say anything. Now, how about that,
folks?

No. Sergeant Bilko. No.

Don't say anything. Sergeant Bilko,
that's probably the finest thing we've

seen. What have you to say?

It's for the bird.

As Private Honiger, Jean Peterson was
the master of ceremonies, and Lynn

played herself.