All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s01e34 Bilko on Wall Street

Come on, hurry up, hurry up. Hey, wait
till New York gets a load of Bilko with

this outfit. Come on, let's go, you
guys.

Look at me.

I'm Anthony Eaton. Hey, that's Bilko's
hat.

Hey, is Bilko going to wear this on the
yacht?

Are you kidding? That's Bilko's smoking
jacket.

Smoking jacket?

You mean Bilko's really going to spend
his prelude in New York with a

millionaire? That's to Bilko luck.

This guy Morgan Twinhazy he was overseas
with turned out to be a Wall Street big

shot. Ten check!

Furlough started an hour ago. This is on
my own time.

Fender, please, give me a sweep. Give a
character, please.

But, Sergeant, I've ruled uniform.

Doberman, will you look alive, please?

After all, I'll be sailing on my friend
Twin Hazy's private yacht to Bermuda.

Bermuda. Hey, can't you just see me at
the wheel?

Oh, I see.

Is that the Vanderbilt's yacht off on
the left stern?

Ahoy there, Alf.

Race you to the yacht club. Last one in
has to eat yesterday's caviar. Are you

present, Jim?

He's really loaded, huh? Loaded?

He loaded the stationery he sent me the
invitation on. If it was any more

expensive, you couldn't even fold it at
all.

From the desk of S. Morgan Twinhazy.

Butterworth, Butterworth, and
Butterworth Investments. He looked them

done in Bradstreet. They're really
loaded. Rich.

Butterworth, Butterworth, and
Butterworth. Why not?

The whole family's working.

I thought I was reaching your wrangle in
the invitation to stay at his house.

Here it comes, the envy.

You hear a dripping envy?

Wrangle? What wrangle?

Get a load of this.

Dear Ernie, glad to hear you're going to
spend your furlough in New York.

It goes on further. It says, my wife and
I discuss your suggestion that you stay

with us and we would be very happy to
hear that.

We would be very happy to put you up.

We do live a rather unexciting life.

But we want you to see Bermuda.

Bermuda!

Okay, Sarge, the jeep is ready to take
you to the airport.

Here we go. Oh, I better get rid of
this. We may sail by a battleship and

they'll start with those 21 -gun salutes
and me with my sinus.

This is more like it. This is a nautical
shot. All right, away we go.

Ahoy, you landlubbers. Move it, move it.

Oh,

just a moment.

Allow me the pleasure of looking at this
unprivileged living that I won't have

to put up with for the next three weeks.

Oh, this poor underprivileged child.
This child of the tenements.

Goodbye, army cops.

Goodbye, depression living.

Oh, I could just see the Twin Hazy
townhouse.

Sumptuous, with carpet so thick you have
to use snowshoes.

Can't you just see Twin Hazy walking
into the drawing room?

Lovely in his Dior smoking jacket saying
to his wife, and for you, my dear, a

star sapphire.

Why?

After all, darling, it is Thursday.

Finish washing out the socks, Brenda.

I'll hang them up for you.

Come in.

Oh, that's the army cop, Sergeant
Philco.

Put it right here.

Trouble, trouble. Nothing but trouble.
It would be nice of you to let us use

your extra cot, Mr. Hesselman. So what?
I was expecting the Duke and the Duchess

over for the weekend, but they can sleep
in the coal bin.

Mr. Hesselman, wait a minute. What is
it? I'm busy. Speak to him. Speak to

Mr. Hesselman, about the heat.

What about the heat?

There isn't any.

You noticed it, huh?

Look, Mr. Hessel... Now, you look, Gwen
Hazy. Last night, the weatherman on

television said it was going to be warm
today.

So the landlord didn't send over any
coal.

So if it's freezing, don't bother me. Go
call CBS.

No, I... I wish our rent was paid up so
I could really tell him.

Morgan. When are you going to tell the
Butterworths that $42 a week isn't a

fitting wage for a head bookkeeper?
Brenda, you know they're very

They're all fuddy -duddies who think
what was a good salary a hundred years

is... Brenda, you'll wake the baby.

Don't worry about Bermuda. She's sound
asleep.

But if you'd only explain... Honey, you
know just what old Mr. Bickle says when

I mention that I need more money? What's
the matter, Twin Hazy? Out with those

Ziegfeld girls again?

Yeah. Oh, hi there!

Is that the Vanderbilt yacht off on the
left stand?

Hang out!

I... Oh, you look wonderful.

This is my wife, Brenda.

How are you?

Morgan's told me a lot about you. He
has?

Look at him wearing that navy hat,
Brenda. Didn't I tell you he was always

joking? Boy, are we going to show you
what time.

If we can get a babysitter tonight,
we're going to a newsreel and then back

for peanut butter sandwiches.

Oh, great.

Great.

I... Oh, put it right over here. Right
in here, will you, pal?

Thanks a lot. Here.

A bird.

Downstairs, you promised me five birds.
That was downstairs. Out of the way.

Look at that. Let me take your coat,
Ernie. No, no, thanks. I'd rather keep

on. Oh, I understand, Ernie. But this is
all just temporary.

Oh, temporary?

Yes, by tomorrow morning, you'll be warm
as toast.

Oh. Wait till you see Bermuda.

Bermuda. She's sleeping now.

Oh, I see what happened. You closed the
townhouse. You had to have a place to

stay while you had the yacht refitted,
right?

Bermuda.

Who's sleeping?

A baby, Bermuda.

Your baby's name is Bermuda?

Well, I'll get dinner ready.

Oh, Sergeant, we have a surprise for
you. Chipped beef on toast.

Here's where you sleep, Ernie.

We think you'd like a room to yourself,
you know.

Seems like I came at an inopportune
time.

I'm sorry about it. Now, when did it
happen? When did what happen? When did

get wiped out? Wiped out?

Yeah. Had it all in industrials, huh?
There was a slump. You couldn't recoup

Butterworth let you go, huh?

I'm still with Butterworth and
Butterworth and Butterworth.

You are?

Yeah. In fact, I just had an
advancement.

Oh, I see what this is. This is a tax
dodge, huh? Tax dodge?

Oh, the government will never hear away
from me. Let them go find the money.

You people who deal in minions, you
really think cover it up. Live poor,

Wizards, that's what you are.

Wizards. Ernie, look.

Just because I'm with a concern that
deals in millions doesn't mean I'm rich.

Well, you just said you've been a winner
for 19 years. You just got promoted.

Yeah, I did. I'm head bookkeeper now. I
just got a raise to $42 a week.

You got a raise to $42 a week?

Ernie, you don't understand.

You've been with them 19 years and you
get $42 a week? Yeah, next year I get a

gold watch.

So you can time the hunger pains? Oh,
Ernie, you don't understand.

You don't understand.

You understand.

You work amongst millions and you make
$42 a week.

It's what they're trying to do. Dare you
to take it?

Ernie, don't start. It's the break of my
life. Ray! You work amongst

millionaires and this is the best you
can do? I work amongst paupers and I do

better than that.

What's the matter with you? Don't you
want to be rich? What do you got against

money? Nothing. I've got nothing against
money, but... Ah, that's your troubled

butt. That word butt I see now. You're a
butt man.

That's the difference between success
and failure, the use of the word but.

it out of your vocabulary.

But. Never say but.

Now, a hundred years ago, there was a
man named Louis Pasteur, and he said, I

think I will purify milk.

There was another man named Edward
Schlemmer. He said, I think I'll purify

but.

So today, we drink pasteurized milk.

Let me ask you something.

When's the last time you bought a bottle
of Schlemmerized milk?

Did you? Did you? No, but, but.

There you go with the buts again.

Forget the word but.

Speak with confidence.

Say something, I mean it. Confidence.
Say, I want to be rich.

I want to be rich.

That all the confidence you got? Not
only will you be rich, you'll have to

the breaks to be poor.

I can see your problem now.

I'll have to step in. I'll see
Butterworth first thing in the morning.

Butterworth, Ernie. Oh, Mr. Butterworth
hardly knows who I am. He'll know you

when I get through with him, pal. What
do you mean?

What do I mean? The law of supply and
demand.

You want to get rich? You want more
money?

Supply, I'm going to make a demand for
you. Ernie, you don't know this concern.

They're old -fashioned. Please, let me
see. What do I wear?

I was going to save this when I met Ali
Khan, but... Ernie, they're old

-fashioned. Now, what's the matter
with... Don't you want to be rich?

First thing in the morning, my mind is
made up. I'm seeing Butterworth.

The baby's up.

Come on, Sarge, we want you to see
Bermuda. Come on, let's... Oh, wait a

Hold on.

What are you doing?

Okay.

Take me to Bermuda.

Morning,

Mr. Smith.

Good morning, Mr. Bickle.

Good morning, Mr. Pickle. Well, Twin
Hazy, I suppose perhaps you've forgotten

that on the day the board of directors
meet, we all get here 15 minutes earlier

on our own time.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I forgot.

Out with those Seatfield girls again,
eh? No, sir.

Twin Hazy! Yes, sir.

That's the second time this month you've
left the light on. Are you out to

destroy Butterworth, Butterworth, and
Butterworth?

No, sir. I'm just a little nervous this
morning, sir.

Well... I suppose, when you're dancing
all night at the Delmonico with those

Ziegfeld girls.

Pickle! Yes, Mr. Butterworth? The board
is waiting to meet. Get me the papers on

the Spencer Harrison Hubble account.

Yes, sir. Do you hear that? Mr.

Butterworth III wants those papers.

Yes, sir. I'll get them.

Pickle, I notice there's a shortage of
paper clips. I check up on them every

night. And the ink. They're taking it
home in the fountain pens.

Grandfather built this firm on economy,
and I want it to continue. That's the

way I want to keep it, sir.

Good. Here you are, sir.

I hope you made no mistake, Twin Hazy.

Spencer Hubbell and Harris is one of the
biggest banking houses in the world.

If they choose us as the brokers for
their bond issues, we'll double our

business. Yes, sir.

What's the matter, Twin Hazy?

Something troubling you? No, Sergeant.
No, sir.

What's the matter with Twin Hazy? He
looks jumpy.

You'll be conscious or something. I'll
start checking the books.

You would better.

Where's father?

The board members are waiting.

Grandfather isn't here yet, Dad. Is Mr.
Butterworth the first actually coming

here this morning, sir?

With an important decision coming up
from Spencer Hubbell and Harris?

Why, of course.

Did you hear that, Twin Hazy? Mr.
Butterworth the first himself.

Oh, here he is. Good morning, Mr.
Butterworth. Mr. Butterworth is here.

Here he comes.

I'll take over from here, Evans.

What is it, Dad? The light! Turn off the
light!

The name is Twin

Hazy.

Gentlemen, Mr. Gillespie of Spencer,
Hubble, and Harris has written an

report on our firm.

We have every reason to believe that our
getting the Spencer, Hubble, and Harris

account is now just a formality.

Yeah, did you hear that?

Here, here, here.

All right, Jarvis, have the car back
within the hour.

Are you from Spencer, Hubbell and
Harris, sir? Now, wouldn't you like to

Office manager, can I help you?

Do I look like the type who usually
talks to office managers? Not really.

Of course not.

I beg your pardon, sir.

Those are our files.

Really? Something to hide?

No, sir.

Are they expecting you, sir?

Good heavens, I hope not.

You may announce me, however.

But they're having a board meeting, sir.

Who's Spencer Hubbell and Harris? A
billion -dollar bank. A new account,

That's all I have to know. I'm going to
create a demand for you. Sit down, big

quatch. Let me handle this.

He won't give his name.

He's poking into our files. I'll handle
this.

What did you say?

Dad says show him in. Show him in, a
total stranger.

What did you say, Dad?

Yes. Yes, Dad. Dad's right, gentlemen.

Don't you see?

He's from Spencer Hubbell and Harris.

He's just checking on us before they
shine.

Good thinking, Dan.

Good thinking.

Gentlemen, this is Mr...

What?

from Spencer, Hubble, and Harris?

You suppose quite a lot with very little
ground.

Well, I... Are you an example of the
personnel here hasty to jump to

conclusions? Look at me, man, when I
speak. Don't shift your eyes. Son, son,

were you... Were you shifting your eyes?

Dad, I wasn't shifting my eyes.

I see.

Quick to lose your temper, eh? Covering
up? Something to hide? Now, which one of

you is Butterworth?

I am Mr.

Butterworth. Are you still capable of a
good day's work, sir?

Why do you have to take me? Don't
mumble. Speak up. What is it? What?

That's better. Speak clearly. We've
become a nation of mumblers. Now,

hear this.

I'll be brief. I have this to say.

No notes.

No notes when I speak.

Haven't seen you lately at Dwayne
Doberman's party.

Dwayne who?

You are out of touch. You don't know
Dwayne Doberman, one of the great

geniuses of our day?

I don't have to say. Why is he mumbling?

I see, covering up, eh? Honor among
thieves and all that sort of thing.

let me say this.

No notes.

I won't have that. I want this man's
name.

Gentlemen,

I'll be brief.

I've seen your office.

I've seen you.

Frankly, I don't like what I see.

Oh, you don't? Well, Mr. Gillespie of
Spencer, Hubble and Harris made an

exhaustive survey of our firm.

Here's his report.

He was pleased with us. Indeed, Mr.

Gillespie was pleased.

Suppose you ask yourself, is Spencer
Hovland Harris pleased with your Mr.

Gillespie? Now, see here.

I've known William Gillespie for 20...
Oh, William is it.

I haven't heard him refer to that in
many a moon.

William, indeed.

We know him more intimately as Willie
the Bundler.

He's mumbling.

Oh, you gentlemen, I newly had the
audacity to say this.

You can get the Spencer, Hubble, and
Harris account now, did you?

We have top executive strength.

Here's our personnel report.

Oh, really?

Personnel, really? Oh, this is rather
nothing.

You call this a... Good heavens!

I didn't know he was with you. He?

Who? Who is he?

Twin Hazy. Is Twin Hazy with you? Oh,
yes. Twin Hazy is with us. Oh, good

Oh, Twin Hazy. Twin Hazy? The one who
left the light on.

I'll kill him.

I'll kill him.

Grandfather. Grandfather.

He, Twin Hazy, is one of our best men.

And Sir Hubbell and Harris like him.

Oh, good man. Good man.

Good man. How can you hold him all these
years? I'll never understand. Must cost

you a fortune.

Forty -two dollars a week?

Yes, for a man like this, we at Spencer
Hubbard House are prepared to pay him

$200 a week.

He's the very man who had my staff.

Your staff?

He's still working for us. Ah, going to
be dog -eat -dog, is it? Well, let me

warn you of something.

When I want a man, I get him. And I want
Twin Hazy. He wants to steal Twin Hazy,

Grandfather. You won't get him. He's a
loyal employee.

He's a Butterworth, Butterworth, and
Butterworth man. He won't leave here.

Jolly, we'll see about that.

I'm prepared to offer him $200 a week.
If you can top that, we'll take it from

there. We'll see about that. Well,
Charlie, well, we'll see. And let me

you with this thought.

That. Notes.

No notes.

I don't have that. I want that man's
name. If I see him on the stock

I'll hand him my resignation.

Good day, gentlemen.

Really.

What's going on? I bet you $200 a week.

$200? If they try to cut you down, hold
out. Listen to me.

Good luck.

Is there anything that...

whispered something to Twin Hazy and
they shook hands. He whispered something

Twin Hazy and they shook hands. He's
stealing him away from us. Grandfather,

we've got to give him $200 a week to
keep him.

$200? Yes, yes, yes, Dad. We have to.

Son, you call him in. Yes, Dad.

What'd you say? Come back.

Yes.

Yes. Yes, Dad's right. Dad's right,
gentlemen.

We almost made a terrible mistake.

We were in opposition to antagonize
Spencer Hubbell and Harris.

If they want Twin Hazy, why, we can't
stand in their way.

Son, you call him in. Father himself
will speak to him.

Come in, Mr. Twin Hazy.

Did you call me, sir?

Congratulations, Twin Hazy. Well, thank
you, sir.

Congratulations, Twin Hazy. Thank you,
sir.

My grandfather himself wants to say
something to you. Yes.

Twin Hazy?

Yes, Mr. Butterworth?

celebrating or what? They go to 250?

They fired him.

What? They fired him? They can't do
that. I created a demand for him.

Oh, I see what I have to do.

Right to the top I go.

Spencer, Hubble, and Harris.

Spencer, Hubble, and Harris?

They don't know Morgan's alive.

They don't know. Well, when I get
through with them, they'll know he's

I'm going to see them first thing in the
morning.

I'm going to create a demand for you.

you? A friend.

A friend? A friend. Get out of my
office.

Excuse me, would you say that again,
what you just said?

Get out of my... No, no, no, the way you
said it. Get out of my office. Amazing.

The exact words and the very same
intonations used by Frazier Peck.

Peck? Yes, it was Frazier Peck many
years ago sitting in his office. This

man came in with a bottle of oil and
said, Mr. Peck, I think we could sell

And Mr. Peck said to that young man,
what was it you just said? Get out of my

office. I mean the way you said it. Get
out of my office.

said that to the young man, the young
man's name was John D.

Rockefeller. You have a wonderful view
here of Rockefeller Center, don't you?

If one cranes a bit, one can see just
about a corner of the Bowery. As a

of fact, you can only see from the very
doorway where Frasier Peck is sleeping

it off right now.

You resemble him tremendously. You
really do.

Is this Willie the Bungler? Is that him?

Bungler? What's the meaning of this? I
suppose this is the Butterworth's

Yes.

I guess I should let you go through with
this.

It's been some years since Wall Street
has had a good laugh. A laugh?

Oh, this is excellent. The Patagonian
slip dirts.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with
this, sir. Every asset of Butterworth,

Butterworth, and Butterworth is listed
there. Including the name S. Morgan

Twinhazy. Who's Twinhazy?

Twinhazy? Incredible. You don't know
Twinhazy?

The man whose genius, the man whose
reports, the man whose know -how is

responsible for keeping those old
fossils going?

Don't you know?

Oh,

of course, Twin Hazy.

Top man.

Top man.

Twin Hazy is Butterworth, Butterworth,
and Butterworth. He's the brains of the

company. Without him, there is no
Butterworth.

So this Twin Hazy is Butterworth,
Butterworth, and Butterworth.

Was. Was.

He's not with them anymore.

Why wasn't I told that Twin Hazy isn't
with Butterworth, Butterworth, and

Butterworth anymore? But, sir, he's
listed right here. You see, my dear sir,

they give me Butterworth, Butterworth,
and Butterworth.

Macedonian silk, isn't it beautiful?
Yeah. You know, if I couldn't have

Macedonian silk in my drapes, I'd just
as soon live in a cave. You can

understand that, don't you?

Butterworth, Butterworth, Butterworth?

This is Spencer, Spencer Hubbell and
Harris.

I want to speak to Mr. Tornhasey.

What?

He's not with you anymore?

Really, the bungler. But sir, he's
missed it last night. I want to speak to

Butterworth. No, not the third or the
second. The first.

I don't care if he is out playing... I
want to speak to him immediately.

They think they're going to get out of
business with their keen man, not with

him anymore.

Well, I guess my work here is done.

I'll come along.

Well, you know, you were dead of
gratitude, Mr... Just a friend. Oh, I

Picasso. The blue and grays make me want
to cry.

Want to cry.

Willie, be alive, Willie. Well, I'm off
to the hunt. See you.

You've been a lot of fun.

Butterworth?

Yes, Butterworth.

Unless you get one, has he back?

Forget our accounts.

Just a minute.

Oh. Twin Hazy live here?

Yes. Mr. Butterworth. This way, Dad.

Oh, Morgan.

Morgan.

Twin Hazy.

Where is he? He's coming, Grandfather.

Oh, dear.

Where did you talk?

Mr. Butterworth.

Twin Hazy?

My dad offers you $200 a week if you'll
come back.

$200? Why did you hear that?

Well, what is my head booking for doing
living in a place like this?

Mr. Butterworth, $42 a week isn't what
it used to be in your day. It isn't? Why

wasn't I informed of this?

$250.

$250? Oh, Mr. Butterworth, I don't
deserve it. Nonsense.

Nonsense. Why, Twin Hazy, without you,
Butterworth, Butterworth, and

is just a shell.

Well, well, well.

He promised to stay with us.

I know, and I'm beaten. I should have
known better than to tangle with the

of Wall Street.

That is a charming custom. Didn't I see
you in the our gang comedies?

You can tell your firm of Spencer,
Hubble, and Harris

that they're dealing with a live wire
office.

Spencer, Hubble, but Ernst Sargent.
Yeah, he's referring to my old firm,

Sarge, and Battersby. Well, I must go.
There's a run on oil, you know. I must

go. Ernie.

It won't, Mr. Butterworth.

You've been the victim of an unethical
plot to get me more money. Pay no

attention to him. You understand he's
been drinking. You remember how Diamond

Jim used to put it away? Same thing with
this boy. Ernie, please.

Ernie. Mr. Butterworth, he's no big
mystery man of Wall Street.

He's just Ernie Belko. He's a soldier.
We were in the war together.

You mean this whole thing and his phony
act at the board meeting?

Grandfather, did you hear that?

Dad, what is it?

office ready. Leave everything to him.
As a matter of fact, you can take a

couple of weeks off. Why don't we
live... I know a place that has three

Why don't we dance in it?

At last, a new apartment.

Maybe a car. I can't believe it.

How can I thank you? Don't have to,
then. Don't stop me now.

Where are you going? Mr. Butterworth
just invited me for a cruise to Bermuda

his yacht. Mr. Butterworth has a yacht?

No, but he's going to have one.

tonight's cast were McLean Savage as Mr.
Butterworth I, Eddie Phillips as Twin

Hazy, Athena Lord as his wife, and Mort
Stevens as Mr.

Bickle.

Now stay tuned for the Munsters next
year in...