All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s01e29 The Physical Check Up

Don't break down the door. What are you?

Just then, while you were in dreamland
last night, I was in there all night

arranging schedules.

Is that why we heard those voices last
night saying, I raise your turn, I think

you're bluffing, you win?

Really, Muller?

Wouldn't you be happier back in civilian
life in your old job as a peeping Tom?

Hey, Sarge, we've got to get to work in
the motor pool. Are you kidding? I've

got to get some sleep. I've got the air
map. It's from back in the 5 -ton truck,

Sarge. Get a little shut -eye. Good boy,
good boy. Now, look, men, when you're

working today, not too much noise. Now,
stay away from the fenders. Keep away

from the piston rods.

Just grease jobs, you know? And when you
squish... Lieutenant, sir,

all work scheduled for today is
canceled.

This platoon, led by Sergeant, will
assemble on the parade ground with full

field pack for the 20 -mile hike, which
this platoon somehow missed last month.

Oh, sir, we didn't miss it. We happened
to take a wrong turn, and there we were

at the Paradise Bar and Grill. Never
mind.

Thank you, sir.

Hey, what are you doing?

Shut up!

The hike's going to kill you. Look at
you.

Flabby, you need it. A little workout
will do you some good.

Besides, it'll teach you a little self
-reliance. Self -reliance? Yes.

I won't be along with you.

Sarge, ain't you going to go with us?
Are you kidding? In my condition?

Get me my hat.

I've got to go up and see the colonel
and talk him out of this detail.

What excuse did I use last time?

Flange foot.

Flange foot. I'll do it again. He'll
never remember. And look, fix up my

so I can take a nap. It'll be nice and
quiet with you guys gone. And look, take

it easy. Have a nice hike. Thanks,
Sarge.

Sarge! What's the matter with your foot?
I got, uh, what is it? Flange foot.

Flange foot.

This gets to all sergeants of the top
three grades.

Yes, sir. Physical exam for all top
sergeants tomorrow?

No, it's nothing. Every couple of years,
they send a medical man to check.

Uh, did you inform Bilko's platoon on
that 20 -mile hike? Oh, yes, sir.

There's Bilko.

He's trying to get out of it.

Good morning.

Oh, sir, I see you're up at the rooster
again. What a sterling example you set

for the men, sir. What is it, Bilko?

Blanche, what again?

Blanche? Oh, you remember, the colonel
has the memory like an elephant, so a

veritable elephant. Quiet, quiet.

I checked with a medical officer, and
there's no such thing as flange foot.

Well,

sir, that accounts for why I recovered
so quickly, sir.

You see, and it was gone. It's the
strangest thing. But what I have now is

rare disease, sir. It's really dreadful.
It's been the bane of the Biltos for

years, sir.

Bunkleman's hook, sir.

Bunkleman's hook? Oh, yes, it eats its
way right through the metatarsal, sir.

It's really dreadful. Never mind. I've
already put you down for flange foot.

Give this to Captain Barker, and he'll
excuse you from the hike. Well, thank

you, sir.

You've been here eight years, and I
still find it hard to think of you as

our soldiers. But, sir, I mean... I know
you occasionally sleep here and eat

here, but I somehow keep thinking of you
as a civilian.

A civilian, sir?

Yes, even now I feel uncomfortable as
you're standing there at attention.

Somehow I want to ask you to have a
chair. Oh, the Colonel is pulling my

You two come out with a crackerjack.
Quiet!

Yes, sir. Vilco, you've been in the
service for 15 years.

Haven't you even been curious about the
military side of Army life? Well,

really, sir, I believe that the records
will show something. I know.

I wonder if the records would show that
you're probably the only man.

who will ever leave Fort Baxter without
ever having been on the drill field.

Do we have a drill field? Oh, yes.

I've seen it, sir. It's that flat
terrain. I give up.

Dismissed. Thank you very much.

Colonel, am I privileged to speak off
the record, sir, please?

What is it? Is there something troubling
the Colonel? Something wrong? Of course

not. Why?

Oh, sir, I came in here without any...
Oh, because I left you off the hike

without any fuss.

Well, so we usually do have a go at it.

What for, Belko?

After all, a 20 -mile hike might be too
much at your age.

At my age, sir? Oh, let's face it,
Belko, you're not a rookie anymore.

Oh, sir, but let me point out that I'm
in the best of shape, sir.

Who?

Major Hollister, put him on. Sir, that
last remark about... That'll be all, old

man. Old man?

Send in Lieutenant Anderson with those
shop records.

Hi, Ernie. Hi.

Something wrong?

Wrong? No.

Never felt younger and never felt better
in my life.

You look terrible.

Oh, that? Well, I had a rough night.

Hey, Joanie. What?

What's wrong with the colonel? What do
you mean?

Well, I went in to goof off on a hike
and he didn't even put up a fight.

He's just resigned to the fact that
you're going to outsmart him every time,

that's all. I guess that's it. He's just
thrown in the towel.

Here, this is for you. There's an
amazing human coming on the post

give you a special physical exam.

Okay, honey, I'll see you at the dance.
Okay.

That's a physical exam.

Who needs a special physical exam? Are
they kidding?

It's the colonel's own exam.

That's it.

What? That explains everything.

Oh, sure.

Tony? The spinal is trying to kick me
out of the army. Are you crazy? Yes, I'm

not so crazy at all. No, he's not
throwing in the towel. This is just his

saying goodbye.

He's just waiting till he thought I grew
old. Then he's sending a hatchet man,

that medical major, trying to get me out
on a medical discharge.

No, no, look. Let's face facts. They got
me over the barrel. Technically, they

got me.

Look at me. I'm nearsighted. I'm 15
pounds overweight, falling arches.

Starting to lose my hair.

Ah, now. Now I get it. That's what the
colonel meant when he sneakily said,

meeting Bilko at your age. Ernie Bilko,
you must be losing your mind. Well, the

colonel would never give you up. He
considered you the best motor pool

in a whole entire army. You kidding me?
I am not kidding you. I heard him say so

myself. For true? Absolutely for true,
across my heart.

Now, listen, Hollister. Those new Jeeps
were supposed to be here a week ago.

How Bilko has kept those old jalopies
running this long is a miracle.

I'll show you how young I really am when
I take you to that dance tonight. It's

cha -cha -cha all the way.

Oh, sir, judo practice. She's very good
on the flip -flops.

Very good, yes.

Now, listen to me, Major.

There's no room in a modern army for
broken -down wrecks.

If they can't function, they've got to
go.

Why, we've got one in particular here.
This is a disgrace to any motor pool.

Major, I'm depending on you to see that
this ancient relic is replaced and

scrapped.

This is an army post, not a military
museum.

Oh, Sergeant Vilko. Yes, sonny. Oh,
lieutenant.

You know about the physical exam?

Yes, sir. Good luck, old man.

Old man.

Sure, I'm imagining things, aren't I? If
that Colonel thinks he's going to put

the skids out of me and get me out of
here. Oh, no, all dates are off, kid.

got to get in shape.

That's 20 -mile height.

That'll do it. Just a little ahead of
them, pal.

So that Major that thinks he's going to
see a wreck tomorrow, huh? Well, he'll

see an Adonis, may I say to you? An
Adonis!

the shade outside to have a nice little
nap. Oh, a little nap.

Aren't you going to give me some
crackers and milk for my bedside?

Yeah, but, Sarge, maybe a little sweet
back so I can gum it, huh? But, Sarge,

but, Sarge, maybe you'd like to put me
in a wheelchair with a lap rope and put

me out in the sun to doze a while, huh?
Sarge, what are you doing? You think I

can't handle a 20 -mile hike? You think?
Get me my full field pack.

I'm going to stay in it, Tommy. I spent
too long feathering this fence.

The goat's in the back. I know where it
goes.

I'll show them, huh? I think I'm falling
apart. All right, you meatball. Think

I'm an old man?

Say nothing.

I'll show you some action.

Think I can't handle it? I'm going to
take you crumbs on a 20 -mile hike. And

any of you guys can hold up with me.
I'll march you 20 more miles.

All right.

See you, weaklings.

All right, white guys.

Well, there goes Belko's platoon
starting out on the hike.

They're certainly getting a fast start.
I'd like to see them, uh...

What's wrong, Puck?

I think there's something wrong with my
eyes. I'll have to stop and see if it's

okay. You're right.

Yes, I thought I saw Belko leading the
platoon.

Belko? It is Belko.

Belko? On a hike?

What is he up to?

Look, they're turning back.

Turning back?

What is it?

What is it? The hike over?

Yeah, it's all over. Keep it going.

It's over.

Over? Yeah.

How did I do? You did great.

Another 19 and a half miles and you
would have made it.

I don't know. Suddenly, a bright flash
hit me. That was sunshine, Ernie. You're

just not used to it.

That's it.

I'm not used to it. Come on, Sarge. Why
don't you lie down, huh? No. No. Get

that off me. Get it off me.

No, sir. All I need is to pull up a
little muscle. That's all. Get those

muscles. I'll get over to the gym.

We got a gym?

Do you remember where you held the St.

Valentine's Day crap game?

Was that the gym? Yeah. That's where I'm
going.

I'll pull up these muscles. Out of my
way.

Out of my way.

Look out.

Click, click, click. Here it comes.

You, get over to Captain Grace's medical
office. Get into the examination room.

Think in there. Find out where
everything lays at.

Give me an exact diagram of every
article in the room, you understand?

Yeah. And then get a copy of the eye
chart.

Write it down.

So I can memorize, you understand? On a
double, look at that.

Now, this is the exact diagram of the
examination room. That's right. This is

the desk right here, huh? Yeah.

Dialing across the cabinet.

Right. Over here, you said, was a
picture of his family. Yeah. And then

chart. Right. That's the edge of the
door, right on the right side. Okay, let

see if I know it now.

Picture of his family.

Not at the eye shot. Send a picture. Eye
shot. Send a picture to the family. Am

I right? Good.

Let me see if I got it right now. I walk
in to the desk, then the cabinet.

Over here, the picture, the family. Eye
shot. Got it right. Here, come here.

Hand shot.

Hand shot. Joe, come here.

Hold it right.

I don't need them anymore.

I got to walk around. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Why don't you try the eye

shot one? Why not? If I remember, I
surprise. Let me see. Hold it up.

Z -T -N -O -P -L -T. Good. Now let's try
the next line. This is a little bigger.

All right. P -D -R -S -O -E -T -V.

Wonderful. Now the last line. This is
tiny.

I'll stumble a little so you won't think
I know it well.

R -G... Is that a G or an E, sir?

Oh, those E's throw you, don't they,
sir?

R -G -S -V -T -R -S -W.

Wonderful, Sergeant. Thanks, sir. Yo.
Okay.

Stay right with me. I'll walk around
with our glasses and drive everybody.

nonchalant. Here we go.

G is the first.

I don't care, but once I...

Hiya, Sarge. Who is it? Paparelli. Hiya,
Paparelli. Hi.

Who is it? Dillingham. Hiya, Dillingham.
Hi, boy.

I don't need the glasses. Just got to
exercise your eyes.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Good

afternoon,

Captain Grace.

Oh, hello, Bilko.

Working at your desk? Yes, sir.

Yes. Oh, sir. Oh, excuse me, sir. I do
hate to bother you, sir. I just thought

if you had an application handy, sir,
I'd like to apply for transfer to be air

cadet, sir.

Air cadet? Well, sir, I think a younger
branch of the service is more to my

liking, if you don't mind, sir.

Philco, you're not wearing glasses.

Not the... Oh, sir, did you fall for
that, Dodd? I don't need the glasses,

My eyes are in perfect shape.

I just want the...

You know what I mean, sir?

Give me a little more dignity if you
know what I mean, sir. Really?

Yes, sir. I've been in the army 16
years, sir.

16 solid years, sir. And I'm in better
shape now than when I first enlisted.

That's wonderful.

Yes.

Yes, sir. What was that, sir?

All these filing cabinets.

Filing cabinets.

Yes.

Oh, yes, sir. I feel that if a man stays
in shape, it's best of all for the

man's physical condition to be top
-notch.

Sir, you are losing weight, aren't you,
sir?

That's the way it goes.

What was that? Oh, what?

That was... What, sir? Oh, I might
appear older to you, sir. That's because

was prematurely bald, sir. You see, I
was bald at birth, sir.

Ha, ha, ha!

Ha, ha, ha!

Ha, ha!

Oh, yes, I keep in shape, especially
with the eyes. My eyes are in perfect

shape, sir. The eyes are important.

Oh, they're very important. Oh, sir,
this is a lovely picture of your family.

My family? Oh, yes, I'd know your
younger boy anyplace. He has the same

sir. Remarkable.

Philco, are you sure about your eyes?
Oh, good heavens, yes, sir.

Here's the time to prove it, sir. You
have the eye charts. Here, I'll run them

right off you. The top line.

P -L -T -C -T -T -I.

We'll take the second line just with one
I, sir.

A -E -O -L -T -E. Milco, are you all
right? Watch this, sir, the small I. No

A -E -T -R -E -G.

Isn't that remarkable, sir?

Unbelievable!

Yes, sir. Thank you very much for your
trouble, sir. And I'm sure that if you

choose to tell this to the colonel, why
they call off that silly physical was

just a waste of the time. Thank you so
much, sir, for your trouble. I've told

you enough trouble. I'll be on my way
now and not bother you anymore, sir.

I'm sorry, sir.

You have a remarkable medicine, Captain.
I've found to do enough today. I'll be

on my way. Oh, I see you have the storm
doors up. I'll be on my way, sir.

But he was speaking to an empty desk,
shaking hands with a skeleton.

And you think Bilko is cracking up? If
ever I've seen symptoms, Colonel, the

basic trouble is the metabolism
condition.

Wait a minute.

That foolishness is the gym.

They're putting on a show of fainting
just at the beginning of the hike.

Don't you see it? See what?

As a medical man, don't you recognize
when a man's putting on an act, trying

get out of the Army as a mental case?
Oh, and Philco was it. Yes, Philco.

He's getting tired of trying to outsmart
me.

Yes, he knows that Major's coming here
tomorrow to give him a physical. Oh,

really, Colonel? I don't think... If he
wants to get out, he'll whittle his

hitches up.

He's not going to pull anything like
this.

Besides, I need him.

Come in.

Colonel, perhaps you've heard some
rumors, sir. Put your glasses back on.

over here.

Oh, yes, Colonel. The magnetism of your
voice would draw me to the ends of the

earth. Give up. Give up. It's not going
to do any good. That major is a top

medical man. You're not going to be able
to pull the wool over his eyes. But,

sir, I don't intend to. That's all?

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Russell,

listen. We're in a lot of... Why are you
wearing perfume, Rock? Why?

Oh, Joe, wait a minute.

He's determined to kick me out of the
office.

Eddie, I can't believe that. You should
have heard him in there. You should have

heard him. Well, he's not going to get
away with it. Why? Because I'm going to

stay in shape. Whatever hours I have
left, every minute of it is going to be

spending in that gym, getting in shape.
I've got to run now.

Stay in shape.

Left in shape. What is wrong with you?

Sergeant, three o 'clock in the morning.

to give up. Gotta get in shape for
tomorrow morning.

Why is your robot doing it? No, I'm not.
I gotta keep going. Come on, one more.

That's too much for one day. No, no, no.
One more time around the left. Here we

go. Keep it going. One, two.

Time for physicals in 15 minutes.

Oh, my muscles. I can't breathe. I told
you, you overdid it.

Oh, we...

I'll get the liniment. Well, it's too
late. I can't even keep my eyes open.

Sarge, you've got to take a physical in
15 minutes. I know, I know.

Look, in my locker. Get the zip pills.
Sarge, those pills are only to keep you

going in combat.

Combat? I'm fighting for my life, ain't
I?

Better have your board, Major.

How are you, Captain? How are you, my
dear?

Never felt better in my life. It's a
waste of time, Bob, and it can't save

I'm a pacifist myself, but a war should
break out, may I?

Ah!

Oh,

there you are.

He's not to be disturbed, Colonel. Oh,
he isn't. Well, this will only take a

minute. This is for you, Marlon Brando.

Brando? Consider this an Oscar for the
best acting bid I've seen in my whole

career. Acting?

Major Newman's been examining him all
morning. He says it's the first case

ever seen of peacetime combat fatigue.

Colonel, please, don't let the Major
kick me out of the office, sir.

Don't let them? I thought you wanted to
get out. Oh, no, I want to stay in, sir.

I'll do anything, anything.

Well, now, please, sir.

Very well, under certain conditions.

Conditions, sir? There'll be no more
card playing.

No more card playing.

Well? No more card playing.

You'll stop promoting the men, not
running any raffles, any dances, and

not use my staff car at your
convenience.

Yes, sir.

And when there's a drill on the drill
field, you'll work.

Oh, I'll meet you.

On behalf of Sergeant Bilko, I'd like to
thank you. Isn't your concern for

Sergeant Bilko a little late, Colonel?

Concern?

I'm going to speak frankly, sir.

I've never seen a more run -down soldier
in all my years in the Army.

Colonel, you're dealing with a human
being.

You can't work a man as though he were a
machine.

Bilko works?

Yes, sir.

To the bone for you. To the bone for
you, sir. No, no, no, sir.

All right. All right.

Colonel, I've decided to let him stay in
the army.

Oh, thank you, sir.

But under certain conditions.

And I'm going to put it in writing.

Under certain conditions?

Yes. He's to be excused from all heavy
military work.

Excused?

And he must find something to do with
his extra time.

Perhaps he can learn to play cards.

Bill can't learn to play cards. I'll
try, sir. I'll try.

Keep his mind completely off any
military duties.

Assign him to, uh, run dances.

Raffles for the men.

Very usual.

Passworded errands.

was played by John Griggs.

Major Newman was played by Don Douglas.