All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s01e28 Bilko and the Beast

Here I am.

Well, happy G .I .s and play. Where's
the action?

Hey, Bilko. Somebody call me?

You're the baseball expert around here.
Well?

I bet you can't answer this question.

I'll answer any question on baseball.

Well, here's five bucks says you can't
answer this one. Well, sir, I'll just

cover that.

Five more?

Glad to do business with you, Andy.
Don't forget me. I'll never forget you.

All right?

What's the question?

How's that go again?

Oh, yeah, I got it.

Bases are loaded.

None out.

Then there's three clean singles in a
row and not a man scores.

How?

Bases are loaded.

Yeah. None out.

Yeah. Three clean singles in a row.

Yeah. And not a man scores.

Yeah. It was a girl's baseball team.

Yeah.

my little pool, dollar a ball?

Oh, come on, fellas. Let's have some
action around here. This joint is dying

its feet. Come on, let's look alive.

Look, I'm just nutty enough to bet on
anything today. Anything.

I'll bet you anything you want.

The next man who walks in here is
barefooted.

Barefooted? Anything you want.

I'm tired.

I didn't make the bet. What are you
worth?

Hey,

take a look at him. He was ready to bet.

So, Wicky, you got any more baseball
questions?

You just wait, you guys. Bilko will get
his. Oh, he's already got his.

And he's got yours, too.

Hey, get a load of this.

We got a new drill sergeant just
transferred from Camp Hanley. Master

Quentin Q. Benton.

Quentin Q. Benton? Maybe it's a whack.

Hey, that's a sixth drill sergeant this
year.

Quentin Q. Benton? He won't stay here
long enough to pronounce his name.

Quentin Q. Benton. Can you see him
trying to get Bilko to parade?

Imitation. This is Sergeant Quentin Q.
Benton. Sergeant Bilko, parade.

Quentin Q. Benton.

Hi,

welcome to Fort... What do you think,
Beast?

A chicken outfit.

You men hear that?

Sergeant Benton thinks this is a chicken
outfit.

Any questions?

Yeah, I got a question.

I'll handle this.

You're not kicking anybody around. Come
on, put them on. Hey, what are you

trying to pull at?

Hello, you meatballs.

I'm Corporal Krim, the sergeant's
special secretary.

I'll handle all the little fundraising
like dancers and raffles that the

sergeant thinks up. But Sergeant Belko
handles things like that around here.

Belko?

Bilko! Where are they? Well, I hear
there's some new men on the postage. Oh,

there they are. Well, welcome to Fort
Banks. Now you men will want some gifts

send home.

You're very lucky. I just got the...
Home and mother pillows.

Chalk -filled pine needles. And rock
-bottom prices, too. I didn't introduce

myself. I'm Sergeant Bilko. You can call
me Ernie.

Your friend is a little robust. Well,
sir, now that we've learned to trust

other, you might be interested in the
only genuine Fort Baxter stationery. If

you'll notice, it's beautifully
monogrammed, and it's only $2 a box.

Nice. I'll take one. Here's a quarter.
All right. Put... Quarter?

You don't understand. They're worth at
least $5 a box.

They are? Here, they're yours for $5.

Well, I'm a little overstocked with them
right now. That's all right. I trust

you. Handshake?

I'd rather pay cash.

I hate to have little debts hanging over
my head. Well, there's a lesson for you

boys. Buy and sell. It's the very
lifeblood of the business world.

What is it? Does he want to be fed?
What? He wants to play pool.

Well, I'd be glad to accommodate you,
but I must admit I don't know too much

about the game.

Ten dollars. Eight balls, side pocket.

I'll just cover that bet.

Too bad it missed.

Now, you don't seem to understand. I win
that bet.

You see, you bet that the eight ball
would go into the side pocket, but it

didn't go in. I said eight ball, side
pocket. I didn't say it was going to go

in.

Now, you see how he didn't say it was
going to go in, and I thought it was

to go in?

And what do we learn from this man? We
learn to listen and learn and be alert.

All is not what it seems. Listen.

What is it? Does he want some meat?
Quiet.

Quiet, man.

The beast wants to talk. Quiet. He's
going to say a few words. Shut up.

Now, here it is. I'm going to say this
just once.

Here's what I don't like.

I don't like bald -headed guys with big
mouths who wear glasses.

An honest opinion. I don't say I agree
with him, but I'll defend with my life

his right.

Here's what I like.

Here's what he likes. Make notes, men.
This is what he likes. I like being a

drill sergeant.

I like to drill guys until their tongues
hang out.

I like to see them crawling through the
mud. I like to see them getting their

faces scratched and sleeping all night
out in the rain.

Funny, but that's the way I am.

That's the way he is. Some men like
women, he likes fellas scratched up.

I'll see you at drill.

Crumbs. I've had enough. Let me...
Paparelli, I'm surprised at you.

Resorting to force.

Sarge, he's a brute.

Sarge, what are we going to do? Do what?
What do we have to do? What?

Sarge, are you afraid of him?

I'm going to pretend I didn't hear you
say that.

Afraid of him, indeed.

Because I show a little perceptiveness,
does that mean I'm afraid because I'm

tolerant? Because I'm trying to see
things from his point of view?

Now, gentlemen, let's review this. A man
walks in here, obviously antagonistic.

He talks too loud. He bangs or squeezes
too hard.

To me, an obvious display of massive
inferiority complex.

And it manifests itself in the Freudian
theory of inner regret.

Now, I'm sure you know what I'm talking
about, Pat Bradley, because you don't.

You don't know about the debate?

Oh, this all came out in a debate that
Freud had with Spinoza many years ago in

Budapest. You read this. You didn't...

Tremendous! Tremendous!

Freud came out with the Bernhardt theory
that man and the inner man, when there

is an obvious submersion of the libido
into the id section, you will find a

regression.

Freud definitely points out that in the
alter ego, when there is an Oedipus

complex which is prevalent, you will see
that the man who shows sadistic

tendencies, aggression will also
submerge into the cocoon of being

from the entire soul.

Freud in his search for knowledge. Oh,
this is way before the search for Bridie

Murphy. He had the... He knew this. He
knew that the it complex will manifest

itself with an outburst of bedroom of
guilt. And there you have the libido

intertwined with the it complex.

Intertwined with the heterogeneous
sections A. Heterogeneous sections B.

came... Oh, Spinoza denied this. Oh, he
screamed.

Didn't do him any good. Because there's
a theory brought right out here. We have

a man showing in a rejection in this
very room a few moments ago. He walked

with this massive aggressiveness.

It looks on the surface he's sadistic,
but it isn't that at all. It's just his

desire saying, I'm not so big.

I am little.

That's what he's saying. He wants to be
loved.

He shows it, but he hides it. That's his
whole quest.

He wants to be loved. It's his way of
saying, love me.

How can we get rid of the creeper?

Now, this is Sergeant Benton's bunk. The
torture chamber.

You got the rocks in the right place?
Yeah. Good.

Now, is this the hardest mattress you
could get? Hey, Sarge, do I have to

under here? Of course. You're the
loudest snore in the whole platoon. We

you. We need that snorius. And look.

Every hour, on the hour, you have a
nightmare. You scream, you kick, you

Right? Okay.

And when it comes to me complaining,
I'll try to be reasonable. I'll say,

Sergeant Benton, these are army
regulations.

It's the only bunk open. If my hands are
tied, I'll say them. Of course,

Sergeant Benton, I'll say, if you wish
to be transferred.

Here he comes, Sarge. All right, boys,
look alive. We have a guest.

Well, Sergeant Benton, this is your
bunk. Hey, Sarge, look.

An honest mistake.

I would like to point out, sir, that
I... Those are my clothes, of course. I

feel that it is my fault that you got
this place on the bunk. I feel that in

army regulations... Yes, of course. I
feel that if you feel that you're not

comfortable enough, well, it is my fault
army regulations say that the first

bunk open a man gets. Now, I would
rather you have what you want, but... As

can see, my hands are tied. I want you
to be just where you feel that you

be. However, well, yet they are a little
gaudy. All right. I feel that if you

feel... Oh, this is you as a boy. Very
lovely.

I don't know why.

Why they make these rules, but those are
the rules that... But there's one thing

I must consist on. Watch that.

You will water those geraniums, won't
you?

Take these things and get out of here.
Get out? Well, I'm sure if you want to

privately concerned for a moment, that's
all right with me. But believe me, my

hands are tied. I don't want you in that
upper bunk. It's just that was the only

bunk open. And if they're going to react
that way, believe me, I don't... I

don't... Here.

You take the upper bunk and if I catch
you snoring... What happened, Sarge?

happened? What? What happened? What do
you mean, what happened? What? You're

going to let him get away with it? Get
away with... Don't you fellas ever

understand anything?

I convinced him to have my room. Don't
you see that?

Don't you recognize he's going through a
cocoon period?

Freud definitely says that when a man is
rejected from society in his mind and

the frustrations within, he will
withdraw from the world.

Oh, if I didn't see this with my own
eyes, I wouldn't believe it. Somebody

have spread some breadcrumbs around. The
pigeons are back.

Oh, it's pathetic. Philco ain't even
putting up a fight.

Do you mind?

Do you mind if I like to see a man as
comfortable since he's only going to be

here for a week? Oh, he's going to be
gone in a week. Gone and forgotten.

Would you like to make a little bet on
that? Oh, you insist on throwing your

money away.

I'll throw $20.

All righty, we'll just cover that,
Rocco. Me too. I'm in.

You ask for it, there it is, and he'll
be out of here in a week.

One week. Gone and forgotten.

Oh, that I gotta see.

Hey, Sarge. Sarge, are you crazy?

He's a monster. You can't out -talk him
because he don't hear you. True, boys.

He's a brute. He's a hunk.

But all we gotta do is get him to think.
To think?

To think. We gotta lull him into a false
sense of security.

We'll throw him a party.

Boys,

boys, you continually doubt me.

Believe me, it's a small brain it has.

It takes a long time for it to warm up,
but we've got to reach that brain. We've

got to start him to think.

Once he starts to think, there'll be
nothing but a shattered shell.

Think. That's what we've got to do.

How's your steak, Sergeant Benton?

You can call me Beast.

He said I can call him Beast. He's
accepted me.

Men, we made the right decision. I'm
glad we did it.

Did what?

Did what?

Sergeant, what do you figure you're
worth?

Worth? Yes, in dollars and cents. What
do you feel you're worth?

I don't know.

We know.

You do? Yes, sir. We figure you're worth
$100 ,000.

You figure I'm worth $100 ,000? Sitting
there calmly eating your steak, you're

worth $100 ,000. Who says so?

This says so. What's that?

An insurance policy in your name for
$100 ,000. The boys want the world to

what they think of you.

$100 ,000?

Not everybody can say that, can they?

Yeah, but my old man said I wouldn't
amount to nothing.

There it is, black and white. $100 ,000
insured for Sergeant Quentin Q.

Penton. Oh, I forgot.

You gotta pass the insurance physical
exam first.

I never flunked a physical in my life.
Oh, fine, Mr.

Crawford. The insurance man is waiting
at the doctor's office.

Out of my way. Sarge, well?

He's not thinking yet. He's not thinking
yet.

Hey, beastie baby, baby boy. Mr.
Crawford, you could insure him for a

Well, he's the strongest man I've ever
seen.

Here you are. You sign right here,
Sergeant Patton. Yeah.

A hundred thousand bucks, eh?

That's one T in Benton.

Thanks.

Thank you.

Now, Sergeant Bilko. Yes, indeedy. Sign
right here, please. Right there. Why

does he have to sign? He's the
beneficiary.

Now, I'll take a look at those records,
please. Fine, fine. Rocco, Henshaw.

Second beneficiary. Third beneficiary.

What's a beneficiary? Oh, don't you
worry a pretty little head about it.

I mean, we just, you know, we just put
up the money. It cost us $60 for the

first month.

After all, we're your benefactors.
Beastie, baby, my.

Sarge, he's going all over the post
telling everybody he's worth a hundred

grand. Yes, Sarge. When is he going to
start thinking?

Rocco, baby, patience, patience. This is
a small brain.

Takes a long time to warm up, but once
the thoughts start getting to it, pow, a

nervous wreck.

Make way for a hundred thousand bucks.

Hey, beastie baby, don't move so fast
you lose weight. After all, you're worth

$500 a pound.

$500 a pound. Have big mouths.

Where's Krim? He's inside.

He doesn't know about it yet. No, he
don't.

Hiya, Beast.

Hiya. What are you so happy about? Did
you see somebody get run over by a

Krim, what would you say if you had the
honor of meeting a guy who was insured

for a hundred thousand bucks?

What'd I say? I'd say I'd like to be his
beneficiary.

Beneficiary? Why the beneficiary?

Well, because the beneficiary gets the
hundred grand when the guy dies.

He's starting to think.

Of course, that's for a natural death.
If the guy has an accident or gets

killed, that's called double indemnity
and the beneficiary gets $200 ,000.

Yeah? Oh, he's thinking like crazy now.

Boy, you sure got this post by the ears.

You're the sixth drill sergeant this
place has had this year.

Yeah? Not one of them lasted more than a
week.

Yeah, Bilko took care of them.

Yeah?

Yeah. What happened to them? How did
they die?

Die? I don't know. Did they?

Hey, Beastie, are you worried about
something?

Me? Absolutely not a thing to worry
about. I'm in fine shape. Hiya, Beastie

Stay away from me. What's the matter?

Nothing. Why?

I don't know. Maybe it's the light
you're in. You look a little... Oh, a

hot soup and you're gonna feel fine.

I made it myself. Come on, Beastie boy.
Have them.

I feel absolutely great.

Doctor said I was the finest specimen he
ever saw.

I should live to be 110.

Oh, you live to be 150.

Eat your soup, old man in the mountain.

I guess I'm a lot healthier than those
other sergeants you had around here.

With them, it was accidental, but they
like my soup.

Have some of it, pal. I want you to have
some of it. Why, we're going to see to

it that you live forever.

Forever? In our hearts.

Have your soup, pal. After all, we can't
have $200 ,000 worth of soldier fading

away.

Why are you so anxious I should eat that
soup?

Anxious? I'm not anxious. Just a little
midnight snack. I prepared it myself.

You taste it. Me?

I already ate.

You second beneficiary. You taste it.
No, thanks. Give me heat cups.

You taste it. No, no, no.

I'll taste it. No, no, no. You crazy.

Get out of here.

Come on, Beastie boy, every little
spoonful.

Yeah, I know you don't.

Why did you do that for? Now look, that
grass won't grow back for a year.

When it does grow back, I ain't gonna be
underneath it.

Beastie, if you don't mind my saying,
you look a little frightened or scared.

Scared? I ain't scared of nobody, and
mostly I ain't scared of you, you

understand? Beastie, baby boy, what's
happening to your pal?

You mustn't be scared of any, especially
your beneficiary.

I'm your pal, pal, your beneficiary. Of
course, if you don't like me... Wait, I

like you. It's just maybe I've been
thinking too much. That may be it. Get a

little rest.

You know, maybe I had you all wrong,
ain't he?

Boys!

Beast wants to save you tonight.

Good night, fellas.

Goodbye, beast.

Oh, that's nothing. Just a slip of the
tongue.

Hiya, crazy eyes boy.

Oh, I'm glad.

I'm glad you noticed him.

I meant to tell you about him. I'm glad
you found out for yourself.

Watch out for him. You see, if he comes
at you during the night, just take away

the bayonet from him. That's all.

Yeah, you see, he still thinks he's back
in the South Pacific. We're kind of

proud of him in the medical corps. He's
the only guy that dreams in Japanese.

Yeah, he's got that... He's a... He's
American.

American man. He with us. American.

You see, I got nothing to worry about.
He gives you plenty of water.

You know what I mean?

Now, before he lunges, before he lunges,
he'll always yell, You listen for that.

Bonsai. That'll give you time to prepare
yourself and take the bayonet away from

you. Other than that, he's harmless.
Just watch out for that bonsai.

Thank you, Tom.

Bonsai!

Did you hear that?

Yeah. What did that sound like?

Bonsai. Good boy.

The last guy who was here... He thought
he heard bird's eye. He got cut from

eating it.

All right, pal.

You're okay.

You got nothing, nothing at all to worry
about.

Sure,

I... I ain't got nothing to worry about.
I...

How'd you sleep, Sarge? Like a baby.

Hey, Sarge, what's going on in there?

Thinking. All night.

Thinking.

Who is it?

It's just me, Big Mouth.

Oh.

Are you alone?

Oh, I just got one of the boys with me.

Just a minute.

Beastie boy!

I'll get a little hot breakfast for you.

Crazy eyes.

He made it for himself.

Get that in you, pal.

I ain't hungry.

You're not hungry.

Beastie baby, you got us worried.

What do you mean? Well, the boys in the
platoon are talking. They say the whole

platoon is cracking up because you're
going soft.

I ain't going soft. I ain't afraid of
nobody. That's the old Beastie baby we

know. Come on in and whip this platoon
right into shape.

All right, I'll show them.

All right, men.

Now, here it is. Present arms.

Halt!

Beastie, what's the matter, baby boy?

What's the matter? These guys gone
crazy? What's the matter with you

said present arms. I didn't say aim and
fire. Oh, you, you bad soldiers. Never

aim at anybody, understand?

Never aim at anybody.

There's nothing to worry about, though.
Those rifles are not loaded.

Put those rifles down.

It was all a mistake.

It was a mistake, Beastie boy.

terrible mistake they made.

Beast, you can't go on like this for a
whole week. Now you haven't eaten, you

haven't slept, you haven't left the
room.

I ain't afraid of anybody.

Well, it's just because Bilko shot his
mouth off and said you'd be gone and

forgotten in a week. A week?

Today's the last day.

Today's the last day of the week. If I
can just lay low for today, then nothing

will happen to me. I'll be sick.

I ain't letting nobody in.

It's the colonel, Beast.

Oh, the colonel. I have to let him in.
Oh.

Let's take this away.

Colonel Hall?

Benton, you came here with a reputation
as a tough drill sergeant.

Now, what's happened? You've been here
for a week, and this platoon hasn't even

been out of the barracks.

Oh, sir, we do march to the mess hall up
and back every day. Quiet!

Benton, I order you to take them out
today. I want to hear the rifle firing.

And you will, sir. All we want is a
chance, sir.

That's an order, Benton.

Get out of this barracks and in front of
those men.

In front of those men?

That's an order.

Yes, sir.

Fisty baby boy, when do we start?

I'll be right with you. All righty.

Go. Are you crazy? The colonel is in on
it, too.

Am I?

Today's the day. Today's the day I'm
supposed to get it.

He's really thinking now.

Beast, it's all in your mind.

Is it?

Paparelli and Doberman are out there
picking flowers.

Beast, maybe you ought to go and have a
talk with the chaplain.

Yeah, the chaplain. Why didn't I think
of that before?

Where's my hat?

He's going to go see the chaplain.
Sarge, the chaplain will give everything

away. Not if I get there first.

Positions be like I told him.

Hi, fellas.

Hi, Beast. Hi, Beast.

You fellas know where the chaplain is on
this post?

Yeah, the other side of the parade
ground.

Thanks, Al. Would you like me to show
you?

No, no thanks. I think I can find it.

Sergeant, would you mind holding this up
to your head there? That's it.

Make it six foot five.

With silver hair.

Hello, Beast.

Hiya, Beast.

Hiya, fellas.

Yes,

Captain, I wrote the boys' folks, and I
think everything's going to be all

right.

You're quite welcome.

So now you're a reporter on the Post
newspaper, right? Yes, chaplain. Too

I've lived in the world of make
-believe. Now I want the facts, sir.

Facts? Yes. You know the wonderful
speech you made, that farewell speech

Sergeant McMahon got his discharge and
he got into the Air Force?

It really wasn't much of a speech. Oh,
it was wonderful, and I'm going to put

on the front page, sir. I'm meeting a
deadline.

If I remember correctly, it went this
way. This is a sad occasion. This is a

occasion. Saying farewell to a soldier
is always a sad and trying thing.

Although he was with us only a short
while, we grew to love him and will

his memory.

But let us console ourselves with a
thought that although we'll miss him

here, by tomorrow he'll be up there
soaring high.

You want any more? No, no, that's fine.
That's fine. I got it all I want, and

thank you. It serves... Thank you very
much, chaplain. Bilko.

Sir?

I have a feeling I've just been taken.

Taken? Chaplain. Would I do anything
like that to you, sir?

Yes.

All right, where is he? Where is he?
Sarge! Sarge, you missed it. He came in

here, picked up his gear, and then him
and that corporal took off. Man, they

must be halfway to the next post,
finally.

Banzai!

It gives me a lesson to you guys when it
comes between a battle between brains

and brawn. Dead on brains.

Beast was played by George Matthews.

Corporal Crim was Don Hanmer.